chapter playlist ⏯
• we don't talk anymore - charlie puth
• hold onto me - mayday parade
• let it go - james bay
----
a couple weeks later
MARCH
gemma <<<
gemmaclark
gemmaclark i let @sloanehathaway make me a brunette again and take pictures of me wearing this fun dress!! i love having talented friends
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sloanehathaway you are a goddess i simply have to photograph you. also welcome back, brunette gemma!!!!
edithjonesharrison gorgeous 😍😍
---
"It looks hot. I forgot how great you looked with brown hair."
I chuckled. "Thanks, Jess. I just figured I was blonde long enough. I've been blonde for our entire relationship, actually."
"It is kind of hard to part with Blonde Gemma, actually. I mean, Blonde Gemma was the one who kissed me for the first time, and told me she loved me for the first time, and shared all these special moments with me. Brunette Gemma didn't really give me the time of day."
I laughed again. "Brunette Gemma was just...confused. But I promise, it's the same girl."
"I'm glad. I mean, I fell in love with Brunette Gemma," he replied. "I think I'd love you just as much with any color hair."
"That's reassuring. I feel the same way about you," I told him.
He laughed a bit. "Glad to hear it," he said. "Listen, I've got to get back, but I'll talk to you tonight?"
"Yeah," I replied. "Have fun."
"Won't," he said. "Love you."
"Love you, too."
And then he hung up.
Today is March 1st. Which, if you weren't aware, is the day that I broke up with Shawn. A date which will live in infamy, you could say. Jesse has to do research all day, which has left me alone. So, I enlisted Sloane to make me a brunette again. Then she insisted we have a photo shoot, and she has this way of always making me say yes to her. She just lights up when I agree to do something. I figured why not, and it did give me a good photo for Instagram, if nothing else. Sloane can do everything. I wonder what's it's like to be one of those people.
Anyway, it just felt like the time had come for me to retire Blonde Gemma. She's done her thing. I'm a brunette at heart.
Now I'm back in my apartment, feeling the emptiness a little extra today. There's nothing different about today from any other day, really, it's just the fact that the anniversary of such a thing makes you remember said thing a little more than you normally would. Which is already a lot, for me.
If I'm truly honest, I feel like I think about that boy more and more each day. In a bad way. There's not a night that I don't fall asleep to the thought of what ifs, motivated by a relationship that ended a year ago. I just...I don't know. I don't know if I actually feel anything for him anymore, or if I'm just...making things up in my head. I tend to do that.
I just thought I'd be over it by now, I guess. I thought he'd be a distant memory by now. I thought that by the time I got to this point, I'd have everything figured out. I'd have myself figured out. But I'm so far from all of that. Further than I was a year ago, I'd say.
Dr. Kelley thinks that I still need closure from him, but I don't know how I would get it. If closure would mean getting him out of my head for good, then I'd love some. I just don't know how I'm supposed to get it. I can't exactly just call him up. I don't want to, anyway.
It's quite nice that Jesse is gone all day, because now, I can wallow without any distraction. I love to wallow. I do it often.
I decided to call Edith. Maybe she has some updates on Shawn and Paige.
You are so pathetic. Stop obsessing over him. It's ancient history.
Not obsessing. Just curious.
"Hello?"
I felt relieved that she picked up.
"Hey. It's me."
"I figured," she said, and I could hear her smile. "Love the hair, and that picture was so cute. You know, you've always been a brunette at heart."
"I know. I felt it was time to give up Blonde Gemma," I said.
"Is there some metaphor tied to it? I feel like it has the potential to be quite symbolic," she said, making me chuckle.
"I don't know. Dying my hair blonde was for sure symbolic, because I was trying to get over the breakup and stuff. It symbolized a fresh start. I don't know what going back to brown would symbolize."
"Interesting," she said, sounding like she was thinking. "Today's the day, isn't it?"
"What day?"
"When you and Shawn broke up," she said.
"How do you even remember?"
"He brought it up yesterday."
My heart stopped. "He did? Why?"
"He was just saying how crazy it is that it's already been a year," she replied, which wasn't the exciting scoop I was hoping for.
"It is pretty crazy, isn't it?" I asked. "I mean...I don't know. It feels like an eternity ago, but at the same time, I can't believe we've been apart so long."
She didn't respond right away; she just let the words hang between us.
"I know he still thinks about you, Gem. I think he thinks about you a lot," she told me.
"Probably because he hates my guts. He's probably thinking about how much he hates me," I replied. "I mean, I hurt him. And I shouldn't have. He didn't deserve it."
"Believe me, he doesn't hate your guts, Gemma. He understands why you did it. He wouldn't hold it against you," she replied.
"I wouldn't blame him if he did."
"You know, have you ever thought about reaching out? Just in a friendly way?" she asked. "I mean, why can't you be friends?"
The thought made me ill. Just being friends with him seemed like the weirdest thing ever. I can't imagine it; I can't imagine feeling nothing towards him, the way I feel nothing for Isaac or Brad or any other male friend I have.
"I could never be just friends with him," I said.
"Funny. When I said that to him, he said the same thing. That he could never be just friends with you," she replied.
"Once again, probably because he hates my guts."
"No. I asked him why not, and he said that he wouldn't know how to be your friend," she said.
Wouldn't know how? What does that really mean?
"And so I asked him what he meant," Edith continued. "And he said he could never just pretend that you guys never happened. He doesn't know how to just pretend he didn't love you with everything he had."
I felt my throat tighten up.
I smiled a bit. "I get what he means. I mean, is there really any way to just be friends with someone that you loved so deeply?"
"I don't know, Gemma," she replied. "I really don't. I've never been through something like you guys."
I sighed. I don't feel like talking about him anymore.
"Well, what's up with you guys? How's Gabby?" I asked, changing the subject.
"We're all good. Gabby's great," she said. "Which reminds me: she wants to see you really badly. And so do I. You should come visit! In a couple weeks or something."
"I'd love to," I said. That's one thing I won't turn down; I think it's important for me to be there for Gabby whenever I can. Plus, Edith is my best friend, and I miss seeing her all the time and talking each other's ears off. It's just not the same with the distance.
"Really? Yay!" she said happily.
"I'll check my schedule and let you know," I told her. "In the meantime, I have a shitload of homework to do, so I'll talk to you later?"
"For sure, Gem. Love you."
"Love you, too, Edith. Bye."
Our conversation ended, and I decided to lay in my bed for a while and think. I thought about Shawn, and everything that happened between us, and what could have been if it hadn't happened.
I opened up my nightstand drawer, searching for notes from him. I know there's some in there, mixed in with my many poems. I grabbed some random ones and examined them.
I recognized his handwriting immediately, and discarded any note that wasn't written with it.
The first one made me smile before I even read it. I recognize it. It's a long note he wrote me before he went away somewhere. I remember finding it in one of my cabinets before I had my middle of the night bowl of cereal.
gem,
i thought i'd write you a note before i left. i know how you like that. i like it when you do it for me, too, so it makes sense. two weeks without you is going to be very hard, but we can do it. we always make it work.
did you know you've been dating me for four months? i can't believe you've been dating me at all, period. it still blows my mind every day that you're my girlfriend. it just feels like the craziest thing that i was like...tripping over myself to get you to like me while you had a boyfriend, but it ended up all being worth it. i was so stupidly into you for so long while you were oblivious, but now we're together. it's funny, kind of. but mostly amazing.
anyway, i digress. the point is that i just wanted to say that you are my favorite person in the world and i hate being away from you. and my mind will be racing with thoughts of us the entire time i'm gone, counting down the minutes till we're together again.
now that i'm reading this, it's kind of embarrassing. i'm not soft. i just like you more than i know how to admit. but i'll try to admit it, because you deserve to know. and i love you, obviously. but liking and loving are different, you know? sometimes you love people but you don't really like them, like...a relative or an old friend of some sort. and sometimes you like people but don't love them. i've liked girls that i never ended up loving. but with you, i like you and i love you. i never get sick of you, even when i spend six days in a row with you and no one else. i've never known anyone like that. i've never liked someone i loved as much as i like you, i guess. weird.
okay. i need to finish packing. and then i need to go see you before i go. and i'm going to hide this in...maybe in the cabinet with the cereal, since i know you'll be up at one a.m. to eat cereal. or maybe under your blanket, so you lift it up and notice it before you go to sleep. or...i don't know. i'll think of something, and you'll find it. and that's that.
i love you. and i like you. don't let that go to your head, though.
love,
shawn
I smiled. It's nice to remember that he felt that way about me. It helps convince me that everything between us was real to him, too. It's nice, all the things he wrote; it was sweet and funny and honest. Only four months, we'd been dating. We were sixteen months from the end.
I found another one. This one's shorter, and his handwriting was messier. Must have been in a hurry.
last night was amazing. i woke up this morning still thinking about it, wondering when we can do it again, and then i remembered you have to leave. i should have gotten us both plane tickets to nebraska, because i can't take the fact that you're leaving. and I'M the one sending you away.
anyway, have fun. relax. make sure to get me in your dad's good graces. but mostly have fun and relax. you deserve it!!
i love you!! have a great birthday!! the big 20!!!
love,
shawn
p.s. i just remembered—i'm sorry about the hickeys. not a cool move by me. but if your dad notices, please don't pin the blame on me. say you burned yourself of something. if he finds out it was my fault, it'll really hurt my reputation with him and neither of us want that. okay goodbye for real now.
That brought a smile to my face. That was the birthday where he bought me a plane ticket to go home and spend it with my dad and Liam. I thought that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. It's still probably one of the sweetest things anyone has done for me. It was just really thoughtful.
I folded that one back up and found another one. This one was long; I think it was a full-on letter. He must have sent it to me from somewhere.
dear gemma rose,
i'm writing this on a plane. a plane that's taking me from new york city to somewhere in europe. i've forgotten. more simply, i'm on a plane that's taking me away from you, and i fucking hate it.
for context, today is october 18th, and i woke up next to you this morning. you don't know how good it felt to open my eyes and realize i was in your room, and even better—next to you. i kid you not, when i realized it, i couldn't help but smile. a big smile. it filled my body with...goodness. i woke up next to you yesterday too, but i forgot how good it felt until this morning when i felt it again.
being with you again these past couple days has made me realize how much you mean to me. like, i honestly can't imagine life without you in it. i don't want to imagine it. the thought of us not being together doesn't even make sense in my head. life wouldn't be life without you in it. and i'm sorry for treating you the way i did. i just got scared of you pushing me away that i pushed you away first. but i'm here to stay, and there won't be any pushing from either of us. i want you close. i need you close.
i'm feeling all of my feelings very hard currently, i guess because i was just with you, so i figured now's as good a time as any to elucidate them for you. "elucidate" is a gemma clark word. i'd never heard it until i met you.
other gemma clark words include:
- excogitate
- perfunctory
- sycophant
- tryst
i had to look up how to spell all of those, but the important part is that i knew what they meant because of you. anyway, back to my feelings.
i was nervous coming to see you, just because of how the last couple months have gone. and it was honestly a bit weird at first...i think we can admit that. but after a while, we just fell back into it. everything felt good and normal again. and there's just nothing else in the world that gives me the feelings that you give me. i just feel so content; i feel so happy because of you. when we're together, i just feel at peace. so, thanks. i feel like there's no peace in my life anymore, but seeing you again reminded me that there is.
i don't know how we're going to get through five more months of this. i mean, i know we'll stay together, but i just don't know how i'm going to cope. i don't know how to be away from you. i don't know how to just get up in the morning and not think about how it feels to wake up next to you. i don't know how to come back to my hotel room at night and not think about how it feels to come home to you.
i know these next five months are going to suck, but i'm going to do my best to be my best for you. because you deserve it, at the very least. and i'm going to be counting down the days until i see you next, which i hope to god is a lot sooner than christmas. either way, things are going to be fine. we're going to be fine. and we're going to come out of this even stronger than we started.
i'm still so crazy about you, gem. even a year and four months later. i love you like i've never loved anything before. and there's no one else in the world i'd rather go on this crazy journey with. thank you for being there for me through all of this. i don't deserve you, but i'm so thankful that you've fooled yourself into thinking i do.
let's be in love for forever, okay?
or not, if you don't want to. i'd honestly just be happy with the year and four months that we got. but i'd like to do it forever, if it's cool with you.
okay. that's all. i'm going to get some sleep. probably going to dream of you.
love,
shawn
I felt a tear fall, then another, then another, until I was full-on crying. I just...I feel horrible. I broke his heart because I thought I was doing the right thing, but was hurting him ever the right thing? When he loved me like that? He said "let's be in love for forever" and I pushed him away. What was wrong with me?
I read it again, then again, crying more and more with each read. Getting these notes out was a mistake, I'm realizing. I shoved them back into the drawer, then crawled underneath my blanket, curling up with the intention of a nap. Instead, I found myself pulling out my laptop to look at pictures and videos of us. I deleted them off my phone at Dr. Kelley's recommendation, since I was looking at them an "unhealthy amount." But I happened to excogitate a way to keep them forever by backing them up onto my laptop for this very reason. I couldn't just let them go like that.
I looked through everything. Every picture, I saw, and every video, I watched. It's quite sad, isn't it?
Eventually, I shut my laptop and actually decided to take a nap. I need to be unconscious for a while. Maybe when I wake up I will forget about us.
---
shawn >>>
paige
plans for the day?
me
do nothing.
paige
you deserve a day of doing nothing
paige
i wish i could do nothing with you :(
me
me too :(
me
on the bright side...i'll be there in two days and then we can do nothing together
paige
that's true. until then....i will be studying.
paige
goodbye, my love
me
have fun. i'll most likely be napping
paige
you and your naps...
me
i love them. get off my case
paige
okay okay. enjoy your nap :) love you
me
love you too
I set my phone down and sighed, putting my face in my hands. I feel empty. I feel like nothing is exciting anymore. I used to get excited to visit Paige, and now it just feels like one more thing to deal with. A five hour drive that I really don't want to drive. Now I'm just happy to be alone. A day where I don't have to do anything for anyone is the closest to exciting as I'm getting. I'm going to ignore Paige under the guise of a nap, and that's that.
I've been thinking for a while. About Paige. About me. About everything. I am in a Gemma Clark funk, I think.
Gemma used to go through these "funks," or phases, where her mental health would take a bit of a turn for the worse. She lost the motivation to do things and talk to people and try. She was going through a bad one for the better part of four months before we broke up. I guess we could lend that to the depression thing, but still. People go through phases all the time, and I am in one. One that makes me want to ignore my girlfriend, my responsibilities, and leaves me with no desire to do anything. I just feel tired all the time, even when I shouldn't be. And I really don't want to drive to on Friday for Paige to disrupt it. I just don't want to talk.
In other news, a year ago today is when Gemma broke my fucking heart. Always nice to remember things like that. I still can't believe it. I thought she loved me like I loved her, but I would have never done that to her. Ever. No matter how bad things got, I was determined to stay loyal to her and give it my all. Why was it so easy for her just to let it all go? And now she's with someone new, and...I don't know. Maybe it wasn't as real to her as it was to me.
But I remember it clearly—it was magical. The things she said to me, the things she did to me, the way we were...there's no way to fake it. She had to have felt it like me.
I resisted the urge to pull out the shoebox under my bed that held all of the poems and notes she wrote for me. It's so humiliating that I still have them, and what's even more humiliating is the fact that I still look at them. Way more often than I should. I just...like to remember that she felt that way about me. It's nice to reminisce.
But I can't today. I just shouldn't. I'll fall even deeper into this feeling, and that'd just be terrible.
I wonder if she's thought about me at all. And if she did, I wonder what she thought. Good things? I hope.
Last night, I was at Brad and Edith's with Connor, and Edith and I actually talked l for a long time. Gemma came up.
"Hey," I said.
"Hi," Edith replied with a small smile. "You want to talk?"
I nodded. "Yeah. If you don't mind."
"I don't," she said. I sat across from her. "I can tell...you haven't been feeling like yourself lately."
She's right. I haven't been.
"Yeah. You could say that," I replied, running my fingers through my hair.
"What's on your mind?" she asked. "Are things okay with you and Paige?"
I hesitated.
"Yeah," I eventually replied.
"Your hesitation is very convincing," Edith said with a smile. I laughed. "I guess a better way to say it is...how do you feel about things with Paige?"
"I don't know," I replied. "I don't know how to feel. I guess I've been feeling...I don't know. I don't feel like I used to feel with her. I just don't want to see her as much, and I don't want to talk to her as much. I feel like I'm being how Gemma was with me. Just...distant."
Edith nodded, showing me that she was listening.
"But...I feel bad feeling that way, because she hasn't done anything wrong. I just don't know why I'm feeling this way now," I said.
"Well, Gemma felt that way with you because she had a combination of anxiety and depression working against her. It was never about you. So is this about Paige or is it about you?" Edith asked.
I didn't have a good answer.
"Or is it about someone else?" Edith added.
I gave her a look. "What are you implying?"
She shrugged. "Is it so far-fetched to think that maybe you might still think about Gemma?"
Her name made my throat close up.
"It's been a year since we broke up," I said. "A year. Wouldn't I be crazy to still be hung up on that?"
"No. People stay hung up on people for years," she said. "Plus, what you and Gemma had was special. Probably pretty hard to get over."
Really hard.
"Well, I'm not hung up on her," I said.
"Okay," she replied. "So, it's a problem with Paige?"
I sighed. "No. She's fine; she's the same as she's always been. But I don't want to spend time with her. I just want to be alone. All the time. Is that horrible? Do I have an issue?"
Edith thought for a moment. I felt nervous. Maybe I shouldn't be confessing all of this. It felt good to say it out loud, though.
"I think you need to tell Paige how you feel. You should tell her you need space; not because of her, but because of you," Edith said. "Remember how in the dark you felt with Gemma? She just ghosted you with no explanation, all the time. If you explained how you're feeling to Paige, I'm sure she'd understand."
I nodded. That makes sense. I should do that.
"Do you think I jumped into something too fast with Paige?" I asked her.
The words were a surprise to me, and I was the one who said them. I hadn't ever considered that, but here I am, talking about it.
"Do you?" she asked.
"I don't know. Maybe," I replied, sighing. "Maybe I didn't give myself enough time to get over Gemma."
"And you feel that way because..?"
"Because...I don't know. I just think maybe I wasn't ready to commit to someone else just yet."
"Well, it wasn't that soon. It was like, six months after."
"Well, I don't think I was completely over her, even if it had been six months," I said.
"Do you wish you would have waited for her?" Edith asked softly.
I felt like someone stabbed my heart. "Like you said...I waited six months for her."
"Maybe she was waiting for you to reach out."
"I'm not the one who ended things. She should've reached out if she wanted to be with me again."
"Would you have taken her back?"
I thought about it for a second.
"At the time? Of course I would have."
"Well, what if she reached out now? Would you take her back?"
I looked at the ground. There's no good way to answer this. I don't even know how I truly feel about it.
"She would never reach out now. She has Jesse now, and they're perfect together," I said bitterly. "Anyone with eyes can see that she's happy with him."
Edith gave me a look. "Hypothetically, then."
"No, I wouldn't take her back. I'm with Paige. And Gemma broke my heart," I said.
"Fair enough," she said. "Well, would you ever want to be her friend again? You could reach out in a completely platonic way."
"There's no way I could ever be her friend. I wouldn't even know how. She used to...she used to be my everything. For nearly two years. I could never just be able to look at her and pretend it never happened. Pretend I never felt the way I felt about her. I just wouldn't know how," I replied. It's sad to think about, because it'd be nice to have her in my life again. But I couldn't suppress my feelings for her. Even if I don't feel the same way that I used to...it was all too much to just be friends. I think she would agree.
"Okay, so, to clarify," Edith started. "You feel yourself pulling away from Paige because you need space. You don't want to hurt Paige. You are not still hung up on Gemma. And, you could never be just friends with Gemma because you loved her so passionately that you would never be able to just sweep that under the rug."
Huh. Sounds about right.
"I guess so," I replied. "What's your analysis of all that?"
She thought about it for a moment.
"I don't think you were over Gemma when you started dating Paige. I think Paige doesn't completely understand you...not yet, at least. But, I think you and Paige have something good, and I don't think you should just throw it all away because you're having some doubts. I think you should try to work on it with her," she told me.
Fair enough. The last thing I want is to lose Paige.
"Yeah. I think so, too," I replied.
"You know, Gemma knows she did the wrong thing by breaking up with you. She wishes she wouldn't have hurt you like that," Edith said. "She really did think you were better off without her."
I sighed. "I know. I want to be mad at her about it, but I know she was in a dark place and thought she was doing the right thing."
Edith nodded. "Yeah. She's gotten a lot of help, though, and she's doing good now."
Glad to hear it.
"What's she up to, anyway?" I asked.
"School. She's almost done," Edith said with a smile. "She works with Isaac now. Basically, she just reads and reads and reads."
I smiled a bit. The girl was crazy about reading.
"What about Jesse? How are things with them?"
Edith shrugged. "They seem normal. He is really sweet. He treats her like she deserves to be treated."
It is nice to know that he treats her well. I would hate to know she was with someone like Jake again. Or even just someone who didn't treat her like I did. I tried my best. And it sounds like Jesse does his best, and that's good to know.
"But he likes her more than she likes him," she said. My heart skipped a beat.
"How do you know?"
Edith shrugged. "I can tell. Just like I can tell Paige likes you more than you like her."
Is that really true?
No. That's dumb.
"Well, I think Brad likes you more than you like him," I said with a smile.
She laughed. "No. I like Brad an insane amount. I just play it cool around you guys."
I smiled. I miss being like she and Brad are. Gemma and I used to be like them. A package deal. People would always tell us how cute we were together, or how it seems like we're perfect. And now that's just over. I haven't had exactly the same experience with Paige, but things are just different. I wonder if she's having the same experience with Jesse.
"It's weird," I said, shaking my head. "Tomorrow will be a full year since we broke up. It's crazy that it's already been that long."
Edith nodded and smiled. "I know. It feels like just yesterday that the four of us were going out together."
"We were just kids," I said. "And now you have a kid."
She laughed. "I remember the two of you coming to the hospital when Gabs was born. Gemma was so excited. I remember thinking how cute you two looked; she was holding Gabby and you had your arm around her, and you were just looking at her like you loved her. And then you looked away, and she looked at you like she loved you. You guys were always like that."
"Like what?"
"Adorable," she said with a smile. "You couldn't even see it. She looked at you like...like you put the stars in the sky. I swear. She thought you were perfect."
I felt guilty, for no good reason. She's the one who broke up with me, I reminded myself.
"Well...things changed. She changed. I changed, too, I guess. I guess that's just life," I said, not wanting to think about how good things between Gemma and I were anymore.
"Yeah," Edith said. "That's just life."
"Please don't tell Gemma I was like...I don't know. Thinking about her and stuff," I told Edith. I don't know how much she shares with Gemma. She might not even mention me at all. But I'd really hate for Gemma to know that I'm all...messed up. And even worse, thinking about her.
You know, I used to be the stable one, while she was the basket case. Now she's got her perfect life and her perfect boyfriend and her improving mental health while it feels like I'm declining in every possible way.
Edith chuckled. "Heaven forbid she knows you think about her," she said. I gave her a look that told her I was serious about this. "I won't say anything. I promise."
"Thank you," I said, feeling relieved. I trust Edith. "For everything. Sometimes I just need to talk like this, and you give good advice."
She smiled. "Right. And I'm like, the last connection to Gemma in your life, and you're holding onto that because you don't know how to let her go."
Goddamnit. Is that true?
"Have you ever considered going into psychiatry?" I asked her, and she laughed.
"I've thought about it," she replied. "You're just easy to read. Gemma's always been that way, too."
Kind of. Gemma was a mystery to me sometimes, but in other ways, I knew her like the back of my hand. I guess I still do know her. I wonder how much she's changed.
Doesn't matter.
Edith's advice was helpful, but I still haven't completely taken it. I haven't had that conversation with Paige yet, even though I know I should. I don't want to lose her; I really don't. We're good together, and I know that it's my problems that are making me feel this way, not hers. I think I want to be alone, but on the inside, I know that would be worse for me. Paige makes me happy. I can't lose that.
However, I think Edith wants me and Gemma to get back together. I just get that vibe from the way she talks. She needs to understand that that ship has sailed, big time.
I decided it was time to take that nap. I need to shut my mind off. All this thinking is giving me even more of a headache.
---
a few days later
gemma <<<
"Oh my gosh, I feel like we haven't all hung out in forever!" Sloane exclaimed.
I gave a weak smile. It was nice to see them again, really. My heart's just not in it today.
"That's because of this guy," Jesse said, nudging Ryan. "He's like, a real working man here in the big city."
Ryan chuckled and shrugged.
"How's living together been?" I asked. I know Sloane and Ryan moved in together after Christmas, since Ryan's out of college now and Sloane will be in a couple months.
They exchanged a look and then a smile.
"It's been good," Ryan said. "It's nice to live together, you know? You would think that it wouldn't be much of a change, but it is. Now we like, do our laundry together, and cook together, and clean together. It's nice to have someone to do it with."
Sloane looked at him admirably. "Yeah. I love it."
"So, when are you going to put a ring on it?" Jesse asked Ryan with a grin. Ryan rolled his eyes.
"Or you," Jesse said to Sloane. "You could put a ring on him. I'm progressive."
We all laughed a bit.
"No marriage anytime soon," Sloane said, looking at Ryan, who seemed to agree. "We're perfectly fine with where we're at right now."
Jesse nodded. "Fair enough."
"How long's it been for you two?" Ryan asked us.
I exchanged a look with Jesse. He looked like he was doing math in his head, which he's pretty good at.
"A little more than four months, I think," I said.
"Wow," Sloane said. "It's so funny how we used to hang out, and Jess just had this big crush on you and no one ever thought anything was going to come of it. And now look at you!"
I laughed, looking at Jesse, who was blushing. It is weird that things used to be that way.
"Well, this all started because Jesse had a huge crush on Gemma," Ryan said. "That's the only reason any of us even know Gemma."
True. It all started with Jesse asking me for my number in that cafe on my first ever trip to New York. That was when things were still good between Shawn and I. I certainly never expected to ever be dating that guy who approached me. I guess life has a funny way of working out.
"Wow, that was...two years ago. We were sophomores," Jesse said. "And you were getting your book published."
I nodded. "I can't believe it's been so long."
"I mean, shit, we're almost out of college!" Sloane said excitedly. "What are you guys doing when you're done?"
I shrugged. "Working still, I guess."
"Maybe we'll take a vacation," Jesse said, smiling at me. I smiled back. A vacation would be nice.
"Are you staying in New York?" Sloane asked.
"I think," I said. "I mean, I don't have any plans to go anywhere, and I don't think Jess does either."
Jesse shook his head. "Nope. I like where we are."
I like where we are.
I do, too. Really.
"You guys are adorable," Sloane said, looking at us. I smiled at Jesse, who smiled back at me.
We hung out at their place all night, until I was too tired to keep up with the conversation. Jesse noticed this, and we were soon on our way home. He gets me, and I love that so much.
"That was fun, hm?" he said as he unlocked the door to my apartment.
I nodded. "Yeah."
He looked over at me and smiled. "You're exhausted, aren't you?"
"Is it obvious?" I said as we walked inside.
He closed the door. "It's very obvious," he said. "Let's go to bed, then."
"Yay," I said softly, making him chuckle.
I got changed quickly, then sped through my nighttime routine. Sometimes I am so tempted to just fall asleep, makeup fully on, teeth unbrushed, face unwashed, but something inside me won't let me. I know it's the wrong thing to do.
"At least tomorrow's Saturday," Jesse said when we were both in bed. "We can sleep as late as we want."
"That's so exciting," I mumbled. "I'm sleeping till two."
He laughed a little. "Whatever, Gem."
We were both quiet for a moment. I thought he was falling asleep until I heard his voice again.
"You seem like you're feeling a bit better lately," he said. "I mean, you seem a bit more...upbeat. I feel like you were distant for a while there."
I felt a pit in my stomach.
"Yeah. I don't know what was up with me," I said. "I am feeling better, though. Sometimes I just need to let it run its course, you know? It was just a funk."
"Yeah," he replied. "I get it."
I'm really glad he's noticed that I'm doing better, because I've really been trying these last few weeks to not let it get me down. I was pushing him away and being distant and everything I did wrong with Shawn, but I had to snap out of it. Dr. Kelley helped me through it. I wonder what would have happened between me and Shawn if I had had Dr. Kelley in my life then.
"Thank you for sticking with me," I told him. "Through...well, everything. You've never given up on me, and that means a lot."
He wrapped his arm around me and kissed my cheek. "No problem. Thanks for sticking with me."
"You're welcome," I said. "I love you."
"I love you, too, Gemma."
And with that, we didn't talk anymore. I closed my eyes and tried to take my mind elsewhere, but it stayed right inside my skull, unfortunately.
Hey.
No. I'm going to bed.
But you should probably do some thinking before you do, right?
I probably shouldn't.
Do you think Shawn's sleeping next to Paige right now?
Probably? What do I care?
Maybe they're not sleeping at all.
Still don't care.
So you're cool with that random girl being with him the way you were? You're cool with him doing all the things he did to you to her?
Yeah. They're dating and we're not, so I'm cool with it.
And you're cool with him saying he loves her? You're cool with him saying that it's a joy to be in love with her? You're cool with him writing songs about her?
Yep.
You're such a liar.
I'm not. I'm with Jesse now, and I'm very happy. And if Shawn and Paige are happy together, then I'm happy for them, too.
Cool. Why don't you write poetry for Jesse?
I just don't want to?
But it used to be your favorite thing to do? Now you just "don't want to?"
What, is that illegal?
No. It just seems like maybe you don't have any inspiration anymore.
That's bullshit.
Whatever.
I need more pills.
You do. You really can't afford to forget to take them.
Yeah, because shit like this happens.
You used to not take them sometimes. Now, you miss one night and this happens.
Well, I've gotten a lot worse since those days.
Yeah. You have. It's so shocking that someone as good as Jesse wants to be with you.
Yeah, it is. I guess he just loves me in spite of all of it. Crazy how that works.
Do you think Paige is perfectly stable?
How would I know?
I wonder what it's like for Shawn to be dating someone who's normal. No anxiety attacks or irrational worries. He doesn't have to bend over backwards to please her.
I'm sure it's nice for him. He loved me, though. He did it because he loved me. If all that bothered him that much, he could have ended it at any time. And he didn't bend over backwards to please me.
He probably was too afraid you'd have some sort of depressive episode if he broke up with you. He didn't want to have your blood on his hands.
Oh, fuck off. He wanted to be with me the whole time. He was in love with me.
Sure. Didn't take him very long to move on, did it?
It was like, six months. That's a pretty long time to me.
Don't you think he would have waited for you?
Why would he? I never reached out.
Because he loved you? I mean, if he loved you as much as he so often said he did, you would think it'd be an easy decision to wait. Or at least not give up so easily. He called you the "love of his life." Yet he moved on six months after you broke up?
It was dumb to expect him to wait for me. Especially because I gave him no indication that I wanted him to.
It just doesn't make sense that he would move on from the girl he was so certain he would spend the rest of his life with. Makes you wonder if he really knew what he was talking about when he said any of it.
I'm not listening anymore.
Probably because I'm right.
You are me! I'm right. But you're wrong.
You're going crazy and you can't stop it.
Just get out of my head, please.
I am your head. This is your mind, Gemma. You can't just escape it. These are your thoughts.
Shut. Up.
They're cute together, Shawn and Paige. Don't you think?
Yeah, I think so.
She's gorgeous. I mean, with that long blonde hair and those bright blue eyes...she's like the opposite of you, really.
Yeah. She's really pretty. He definitely has the ability to date someone really pretty.
They met while you guys were dating. Remember? He was in Paris. You saw the pictures.
Yeah. So?
I wonder if he was thinking about how pretty she was then.
I really don't have time for this. I need to sleep. I don't care about Shawn. Really.
Okay. Let's bounce over to Jesse, then. You haven't brought him home to your dad and Liam and it doesn't seem like you plan on it. Any reason?
Just haven't had the time. I'm sure I'll take him sometime soon.
How do you think he feels about that?
I think he understands.
He brought you home.
He lives three hours away and I live eighteen hours away. Plane tickets aren't cheap. Besides, I said I'll take him home soon. We're busy right now.
Whatever you say.
Are we done here now?
Sure.
Great.
Do you think Jesse's the love of your life?
I don't really believe in that.
Oh, come in. You were convinced that Shawn was. You called him your soulmate.
I was naive. People say dumb things when they're in love. It's normal.
You don't say it about Jesse.
We haven't been dating as long.
Excuse.
Why does it matter? I learned from my mistakes.
You don't feel the same way about Jesse as you did Shawn. You know that's true. Everything with Shawn was stronger.
That doesn't mean anything. It was all circumstantial.
Do you want to be with Jesse?
I do. Very much.
What if the opportunity with Shawn came again?
It won't. And I wouldn't take it.
Because of Jesse?
Yes. Can I go to bed now?
If you can manage to fall asleep.
I will.
But I didn't. I was up for at least another thirty minutes, my mind racing while I was just trying so hard just to fall asleep. I would have gotten up to make some tea, but I didn't want Jesse to get up and feel like he has to help me.
But eventually I fell asleep.
I don't think I dreamed of anything.
---
the next day
shawn >>>
"Oh my God. It's time to get up."
I pulled my pillow over my head, ignoring her.
Then I felt a body on top of me. It took all of my energy to open my eyes. Her legs on each side of me, Paige was sitting on me, looking down at me with her arms crossed.
"What are you doing?" I asked groggily.
"What are you doing?" she replied. "It's eleven thirty! Half the day's gone! And you missed breakfast!"
I had to smile. "There was breakfast?"
"Well, I had cereal," she said.
I laughed and brought her face to mine to kiss her. She complied with ease. Her hair fell in front of my face, but she brushed it back without taking her lips off mine. I could tell that she wasn't planning on getting off of me anytime soon, and I didn't mind.
"How long have you been up?" I asked her. She got off of me and sat next to me instead, combing her fingers through my hair.
"Since nine," she replied. "I've just been studying a bit."
I yawned. "So, what's the plan for today?"
"I don't know," she said. She laid next to me and rested her head on my chest. "What do you want to do?"
"Nope. It's your home court. You decide what we do," I told her. She chuckled.
"Fine. I want to...go for a drive," she said.
I raised an eyebrow. "That's all?"
"That's all," she said, which was very un-Paige.
"Can I take a shower?" I asked.
"Can I take it with you?"
I laughed. "If you're messing with me, I'm going to be disappointed."
"Not messing with you at all," she replied. "Would you mind washing my hair?"
"It does look like it needs a wash," I said, causing her to elbow me. "Joking. I'd love to wash it."
She sat up, then leaned down to kiss me. I prolonged it by holding her head there, keeping my lips on hers until it seemed almost excessive.
I was determined to be better with Paige this weekend. I've decided to snap out of my funk and be the best boyfriend I can be. Edith is right. I can't throw away what I have with Paige. I need to pull myself together.
"I love you," she said, looking me in my eyes.
And I knew I loved her back. I knew I meant everything I've ever said to her about loving her. Of course I love her. She makes me happy.
"I love you, too, Paige," I replied, and she kissed me one more time, like the cherry on top.
After taking The Longest Shower Ever, we both got ready to leave. It took her three times as long as it took me, and I even took the time to iron my shirt. Still, I didn't mind.
Eventually, we were in the car. I couldn't be more stoked about going for a drive with her. We never really do stuff like this, and this is the stuff I always loved to do.
With Gemma.
Yeah, so?
You just didn't finish the sentence.
It was implied.
Sure.
I'm not dealing with my brain today. I'm having a good day today, actually. I feel great.
We drove for a long time, looking out the window at the Nevada mountains that jutted into a cloudless blue sky. We should have been going on drives here for months now. It's beautiful.
"Why have we never done this before?" I asked. "It's gorgeous."
Paige shrugged. "I don't know. I just never thought about it."
"I like this," I said. She looked over at me and smiled.
"I thought you would."
I took her hand in mine. I know that means a lot to her.
"You seem to have turned a corner," she said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, for the past few weeks I've felt like you were pulling away from me," she said, avoiding looking at me. "Today, you seem...well, happy."
I sighed. "I was pulling away. I don't know why, but...I just felt really stressed out and tired. And I just didn't want to deal with anyone," I said. "And when you would call or text, I just...I felt like ignoring you. For no good reason."
She shifted in her seat, seeming uncomfortable. I held onto her hand tightly. I'm not letting her go.
"And it wasn't anything you did. It wasn't anything anyone did. It was just...my brain couldn't take it anymore," I said. Honestly.
"You should have said something," she replied. "I never meant to make you feel...suffocated."
"You didn't. Like I said, it was me. You weren't being anything other than normal," I replied. "But...I should have just told you how I was feeling. I knew you'd understand. I just didn't want to hurt your feelings somehow."
She gave me a weak smile. "I know you've been feeling off for a while now. I mean, it's obvious. I just...I just thought if I backed off, then we'd grow apart and fall apart. And I didn't want that, you know?"
I nodded. "I know. I should have said something."
"Yeah," she said. "I guess you kind of did, though. On Valentine's Day."
"That was shit," I replied. "I was a jerk on Valentine's Day. Don't let me treat you like that again."
She chuckled. "You weren't that bad. I understood how you were feeling, after you explained the situation. Besides, you made it up to me."
We exchanged a smile.
"Well, I just want to get back to normal," I replied with a sigh. "No more...weird funks."
"I want that, too," she said. "I like this version of you. The one who showers with me and holds my hand in the car."
I felt bad. "Yeah, I like this version more, too. But both versions love you very, very much, for the record."
She chuckled. "Glad to hear it."
I kissed the back of her hand.
"You know, you should probably take something. For your anxiety," she told me.
"Like, meds?" I asked. I never thought I had to be medicated.
She nodded. "I really think it'd help. You have so much going on all the time...I know it's not good for your head. You're getting worse and you don't even see it. And I bet it was contributing a lot to that funk you were in."
I know she's right; I know she's so right. My mind goes a hundred miles a minute this days. I'm tired, and worried, and anxious, and just feel so...maxed out. I guess it's just hard for me to accept that I need some sort of help. It's especially hard for me to accept that I need the same kind of help Gemma does. She's so much worse than me. I'm sure I'd just have something more mild, though. Which is fine.
"I'm open to that," I said.
"Really?" she asked.
I nodded. "If it'll help, sure. I mean, this is going to be such a busy summer. And I don't know if I can do it all while feeling the way I feel. I'm not even that busy right now and I feel stressed and nervous and restless and just...I don't know. Not how I used to feel. Not how I should feel."
"Exactly," she said. "It's hard to see you so...well, anxious. Because you didn't used to be like this."
I ran my hand through my hair, then went back to holding hers. "No. I didn't."
"I'm really proud of you," she told me. "You always give everything your all, even when it makes you feel like this."
"I didn't give you my all," I mumbled, feeling guilty.
"It's fine, Shawn," she told me. "You gave me what you could give me."
"You deserve to be given more, though," I said, looking over at her.
"Well, now's your chance," she replied with a smile. "You have a whole weekend to give me more."
I grinned. I was being dramatic with Edith. Paige does get me. I was just too clouded by my own delusions to realize how good we are together.
"I'll do it, then," I told her. I looked over at her, marveling at how beautiful she was. So beautiful. "For you, I'll do it."
---
hi there! hope you're all having a great day/night, & thank you for reading <3 it means a lot!!
how is everything going for everyone? it seems like covid only gets worse every day, and life just seems to be getting harder to deal with. however, i know i have so many things in my life to be grateful for, so i'm trying to keep it in perspective.
➡️ what are you guys listening to?
i'm listening to some stuff off folklore, as everyone is. my faves are betty, exile, and cardigan! what are your faves?
once again, thanks for reading. i'll see ya next time!!!
xx-maggie