Noah
I was ready to call Robbie a good twenty minutes before the time we agreed on - but for some reason I'm nervous and I don't want to call him early. That'll probably just creep him out more than I think I already have.
I don't know why I'm nervous. I'm just calling a good friend. A friend who I made twenty four hours ago, who I know I want to let into my life a great deal more than some friends I've known since I was a little kid.
I'm wearing the pair of blue-light glasses I had to buy after I started spending too much time on my phone late at night, and no shirt as is my standard 'I'm in bed' outfit. I still don't know if I should ask Robbie about his arm. Maybe it'll just come up in conversation?
I really want to make sure that he's alright, and talk through stuff like this with him. I feel like I could pour my heart out to him, and I hope he could do the same to me. I'm aimlessly opening and closing apps as I wait for the time to arrive.
Maybe I should just text him and ask if he's free to call now? This is kinda scaring me with how nervous I am, and how much I'm overthinking everything. Fuck it. I type out a message and hit send before I can change my mind.
Noah: hey dude, I can call now if you're not busy with your rock and roll lifestyle 😉
Robbie: I'm super busy with all the hookers and snorting coke rn buuut I guess I could make time to call 🤷♂️😂
I can't help but grin. I like how he's somewhat self aware of himself and the industry he's in. I hit the facetime call button and then I'm waiting nervously on the black screen as it rings. I'm not left waiting for long, as Robbie answers after it rings the second time.
His face appears on the screen, illuminated in the darkness of his room much like my own, and we both break into smiles.
'Where are the hookers?'
Robbie laughs and I do too, knowing it was a terrible joke but it got a laugh out of him and that's what matters.
'Gone unfortunately. I am however in the company of a wonderful friend of mine, called my crippling loneliness.'
Robbie turns his camera around to show off his darkened and empty hotel room and we share a quieter laugh than the one we just had. His camera switches back round to his face.
'I like the glasses, I guess you saw a cool musician or something who had glasses and you just had to get yourself a pair.'
'Shut up. This was totally because of my dependancy on using my phone at night, although it doesn't make me look as cool as a certain someone with glasses.'
Robbie grins and rolls over onto his side, his glasses pressing up against the side of his head and I watch him adjust them into a more comfortable position. He's wearing a long sleeve pajama top, which is definitely going to be irritating in the heat tonight.
'How's life as a top tier actor?'
It's my turn to grin at what he's said. I don't normally like talking about Stranger Things or acting when I'm on my days off cause that's what my world seems to revolve around. But I think I can make an exception for Robbie, seeing as I've bombarded him with questions about being a musician.
'Well there's not too much at the moment. We're really close to finishing shooting, it's at that annoying point where we're doing reshoots for scenes which didn't turn out right first time round. So it's like going through everything we've already done with a fine tooth comb. It's super tiring but I know it'll be worth it.'
Robbie grins, resting his head against his arm.
'Any exclusive insider news about the new season?'
'If I told you, I'd have to kill you before Netflix did it themselves.'
'Totally worth it.'
I smile, readjusting my phone slightly as I feel the tingle of pins and needles starting to go through my hand.
'I hope Will and Mike get together.'
I freeze at the mention of my character.
'What do you mean?'
Robbie's eyes shift off nervously, like he's almost too embarrassed to say what he's planning to in his head.
'Well... it's just -- right, I know it's weird cause I'm talking to you and you PLAY Will, but like since season one I've been hoping Will comes out and gets with Mike. I don't think it'll happen though with the way the last two seasons went.'
'I mean, never say never but I doubt it. I don't think Will's explicitly gay, I never really picked up on it when reading and acting but hey if it gives some people different ideas then I guess I've done a good job playing him.'
'Of course you did an amazing job playing him, or else you wouldn't be where you are now. I'll never forget the first time I saw him on screen and how you played him. I never connected with a character like that before.'
There's a slight silence, as I don't really know what to say. He's said that he connected with Will, and reading into the character being gay might say something about Robbie.
But is that another thing I want to ask? Sexuality isn't an issue for me, but for some reason I really want to know about Robbie. He's noticed the silence and starts to freak out a little bit.
'Shit -- I'm sorry about fangirling over this, if you're uncomfortable then I'll stop.'
'No, it's fine Robbie honestly. I'm just used to having tons of fans say stuff like this to me all the time and like it's weird - this is the first time in a while that I've enjoyed hearing it.'
Robbie reddens a little and I watch the shy grin grow across his face. I love how we can talk about stuff I normally hate talking about, and it doesn't feel terrible.
'Guess I'll just have to wait and see on July fourth.'
'Yeah it's not too long now, which is kinda scary. I just hope that this isn't the season where fans suddenly turn against us.'
Robbie's pulled his phone a little closer to his face.
'Well no matter what, I'll still be a fan of your work.'
I smile as does Robbie, and we're properly looking at each other through our phones. I kinda wish he was here and we were having this conversation in person.
Robbie rolls onto his back and lifts his phone back up above his face.
'Well, enough of me being another creepy fan. Seeing as I've asked some stuff you might've been uncomfortable with, you get a free pass. Ask away.'
'You're not hiding any big secrets right? You're not a musician on weekdays and then a serial killer at weekends?'
Robbie laughs again, and I enjoy watching the brief bit of happiness wash over his face.
'I can't make any promises.'
'Okay then. Um bit of a random one, but are you like... single?'
Robbie pulls a face and I kinda wish I could've grabbed those words before they left my mouth and crammed them back inside my throat.
'Why? You gonna ask me out? Cause you've got literally zero competition.'
'Really? You've probably got girls lining up to try and get with you, seeing as you're the up and coming music sensation people are saying you are.'
Robbie's flinched a little at the mention of being an up and coming musician.
'I kinda don't like the idea of everyone referring to me as the whole up and coming thing. I'm just doing what I love and people are starting to make a big deal out of it.'
My heart goes out to him. The media frenzy that follows people like me, like him now, is insane. And he's not had a chance to get used to it yet. He grins cheekily at me.
'Well right back at you, are you single? Cause my little sister REALLY wants to know.'
We both laugh.
'I'm also painfully single. But you have a little sister?'
'Yep. Probably not as bad as having a twin sister though.'
'Honestly, it's not that bad. Like me and Chloe have our fights, but we're close. I think that's the same with all siblings though.'
We share a smile and fall silent for a little bit. It's a comfortable silence though, which I'm surprised about considering long pauses on calls are nearly always super uncomfortable.
Robbie starts to speak again, staring up at the ceiling and away from the phone he's propped up next to him.
'So yeah, I don't really mind being single at the moment, I don't think I could deal with having a relationship alongside everything else on my plate at the moment.'
'You mean the gigs and stuff?'
I've spotted my opportunity, and I'm going to take it. Hopefully ease into this topic and let him know he can trust me and that I'm gonna support him no matter what. He deserves it.
'Uh -- Well... Yeah. But like...'
Robbie trails off, and I'm seeing a look that's enveloped his entire face which I haven't seen since we started hanging out. It looks painful. I stay quiet, giving him the time and space he needs.
He's still staring at the ceiling, not trying to look over at my face on his phone. I swear I can see some tears starting to well up in his eyes.
'Okay, the gigs, the whole new lifestyle is a lot for me to handle, as you'd probably guess. I'm really homesick and I know everyone goes on about this at some point, and I don't wanna sound selfish cause so many famous people like you probably suffer too, but my mental health has been... well, it's been terrible.'
He rolls over to the face the camera, and I see some tears starting to roll down his cheeks. He wipes them away quickly with his sleeve, and I almost start tearing up seeing him like this.
I don't know if I should say anything. But I want him to know. I'm not going to try to 'fix' him. I want to learn how to support him so that he doesn't have to resort to doing what he's done to his arms.
'Is that why... uh... you arms are like that?'
Robbie's frozen, staring right at me and I hear a soft gasp leave his lips and he starts crying silently. He slowly nods, before taking a ragged breath and I hear his choked up breathing.
'I... I was hoping no one would notice... especially you. You must think I'm a freak.'
'What?! Robbie, I definitely don't think that.'
He's avoiding looking at the screen as he continues to try to wipe the tears from his cheeks.
'Then what do you think? Please... just don't start pitying me or -- or start being all different and sensitive around me, treating me like I'm... some kind of bomb that's gonna go off. I'm stupid okay, for what I did to my arms and I know that. I don't want to ruin another friendship cause you're too worried about me...'
I've rolled onto my side, pulling my phone closer so Robbie can see the seriousness written across my face.
'Robbie... of course I'm gonna worry about you, I care about my friends, especially if they're going through rough patches like you are at the moment. But please know I'm not gonna try to be one of those people who wants to fix you. I want to support you and help you in any way I can. I'll be honest with you, I've had times where I've felt shit. Like the other night when I asked you to play Photograph. You helped me feel better, and I want to be able to do the same for you.'
Robbie's rolled onto his back, holding an arm over his mouth as he sobs.
'Oh God... I'm such an idiot.'
'No you're not.'
'You saw what I did to my arm! I know it was stupid but I can't change that now.'
'It doesn't mean you're an idiot.'
I'm really trying to calm him down. I hate that I can't just wrap him in a hug and feel the shaking caused by his crying slowly stop.
'Robbie. I may not have the answers to everything, and I might not be able to make you feel better all the time. But I'm here. If you ever feel this shit again, please just text or call me. Whatever you're more comfortable with. I'm here if you ever need me.'
He's no longer crying, instead reduced to muted, choked sobs coming through his mouth. I watch his breathing slowly return to normal, and I hope he understands that I mean everything I've just said.
'Do... do you mean it?'
I nod, noticing that a small tear has started to form in one of my eyes as well. I wipe it away and grin.
'Look at both of us. What a life we lead.'
Robbie starts to perk up a bit at my little joke, and I feel that the atmosphere has definitely lightened. We've got this big thing out in the open, but I know we can manage it together.
'And I definitely meant everything I said. Literally any time you're feeling crap, just hit me up. I'm normally not up to much anyway.'
'Thank you so much Noah. It's really hard to find people who are understanding about this sort of thing. One of the people in my life who I thought understood turned out to be one of the worst people I could've said things to, and that kinda broke me the other night. But please promise me that you won't go telling anyone else about what I've been doing to my arm. I mean it.'
'I promise.'
Robbie holds his pinkie finger up to the camera, and I can't help but smile.
'Do you pinkie promise?'
'Woah, it's that serious?!' I joke, as I bring my own pinkie up to the camera.
'But sure. I pinkie promise.'
We both pull our fingers away, and I can see the colour returning to Robbie's face. I'm surprised by how much seeing him upset affected me. It's time to change the subject.
'Do you know when you're going to New York then?'
Robbie's rolled back onto his side, pulling his free arm up under his chin. He looks kinda adorable like that.
'Uh I spoke to Cade earlier and I think it'll be in like two weeks?'
'Dang, that's kinda soon.'
'I know, it still doesn't feel real. It's gonna come round real quick.'
Robbie pauses as I see a thought go through his mind.
'Don't you live in New York?'
'I live in the state, not the actual city.'
'Jeez, I keep on forgetting that there's the city and the state. America is too confusing.'
I grin.
'Or maybe your British brain can't handle how awesome America is.'
'Shut up.'
I laugh and watch as a small grin flickers across Robbie's face. A sudden idea goes through my head.
'Do you know where you're going to be staying in New York yet?'
Robbie shrugs.
'I'd assume some hotel like always. It would make sense.'
'But what if you didn't want to stay in a hotel? You've been staying in them for months and I guess the novelty might've worn off by know. I'm just saying, like, what if you wanted to stay with me?'
I see his eyes widen with the sparkle that appears every time I make some kind of offer to him. I don't think I'll ever get sick of seeing his reaction.
'Stay with you? In a hotel?'
'In my house, dumbass.'
He flips me off with a grin blazing across his face, and I guess he likes the idea.
'Is that a no then? Cause I can just invite some other random musician around my house...'
'I'd love to, but aren't you still busy with the whole season three stuff?'
'I just told you, we're really close to finishing. By the time you'll be going to Madison Square Garden I'll be back home.'
Robbie hasn't stopped grinning since I suggested this idea, and I find myself staring at him for a bit too long once again.
'I'll check with Cade, but I'm sure they're not going to complain. Me staying with you means one less room to pay for. I'm not gonna be in New York for long either, I don't want to over stay my welcome at your place.'
'I mean you can stay as long as you want but if there's other things you need to be doing after I understand.'
Robbie grins shyly.
'Well, I do have a good reason for only staying a little bit. I'm doing the last leg of my tour in the UK, so that's why I can only stay a couple days round yours, or else I'd miss my flight. Not that I'd complain being stuck with you for a little bit longer.'
'I'm sure you'll change your mind after one night of sharing a house with me.'
'Now I can see why Millie gets so annoyed at you.'
I flip him off, and he giggles. I genuinely want these next two weeks to go by quickly so I can see him in person again and I can show him around my corner of the world.
'I hate to be the buzzkill here, but it's already late. I know you wanted to talk for a while but tonight might be the first night in a while where I can get a decent amount of sleep.'
'Aww, don't be like that. The night is still young!'
Robbie grins, running his hand through his hair.
'You sound just like Quinn.'
'Well, Quinn must know what he's talking about cause I'm right. We've barely had a chance to gossip about all the latest show business!'
'Okay. I'll tell you what. I can stay on for like another half hour and then I really have to go.'
I smile. 'It's a deal.'
Three hours later, and we're both still talking. I haven't even clocked how quickly time had passed during our call, seeing as I had no need to check. Our whole conversation has been balancing between constant banter, memes, and then heartfelt questions and answers.
'And that's why I could totally be an e-girl if I wanted to.'
'Whatever. Keep telling yourself that Robbie. You'd probably be a better e-girl than someone who keeps an eye on the time anyway.'
I watch as Robbie raises an eyebrow and swipes to check the time on his phone.
'Oh for god's sake I totally lost track of the time thanks to you.'
'Do you regret it though?'
'Absolutely... '
I roll my eyes, before Robbie breaks out into a grin.
'....NOT.'
I flip him off again, and he returns the favour. I watch as he looks over his back towards the bedside table behind him.
'You looking for something?'
'Yeah, my will to live.'
I can't help but grin at his quick retort.
'I'm looking for my charger. My phone's literally about to die so I guess this would be a good point to stop. But thank you for everything again Noah. It's been great chatting to you and... thank you so so much again for being there for me. It means a lot more than I could probably ever say to you.'
I stick my thumb up awkwardly, not really sure of what to say for once. I'm kinda blown away with how much my offer has meant to him, and I'm really glad of that.
'Okay, that's a weak excuse but whatever. And dude, it's absolutely okay. I know you'll be here for me, and I wanna be here for you too. Thanks for tonight as well, I can't remember the last time I had a good late night call.'
Robbie stares right into the camera, and I can feel our eyes locking despite the lack of physical connection.
'Of course dude, you ever need me just text me. Thank you so much for tonight. Hope you sleep well.'
'Same to you dude. We'll properly sort out seeing if you can stay with me later. Good luck with whatever gigs you have, and hopefully I'll see you in two weeks.'
'See you around.'
'See ya.'
Robbie hits the button to end the call, and I'm left staring at my blank phone screen. I'm still wide awake, and it's now the early hours of the morning. So basically normality for me. I'm so glad I got to talk to Robbie about his mental health problems, and I hope he's going to remember me whenever he's feeling that low again.
Two weeks. I've got to get through filming and actually check with my parents if they'll be fine having a guest, although I know they'll probably say yes anyway. I roll over onto my side, placing my phone next to my pillow. I know I'm gonna sleep well tonight.