"How is... she?" I asked my eunuch.
I wrapped myself tightly with the blanket. It was starting to get chillier by each day and summer was over. Early in the morning, the strong winds were loud but sounded calming to my ears.
Dragon was still on my mind. She could be a mediocre cat in someone else's mind, but she was a friend to me. Even when she did misbehave, I still adored her.
Li Shu bowed. "The cat is doing fine, Your Majesty."
The same head physician before walked in and held Dragon in his arms. She was drowsy but awake. My heart was pounding when I had her weight in my arms. Her soft fur rubbed against my skin. How I missed her.
"Thank you," I looked up at the physician with a grateful smile. "I shall reward you and the physicians that worked on Dragon handsomely. I appreciate the hard work."
He widened his eyes and bowed. "T-Thank you, Empress. It is very kind of you."
After they left, my maids helped me dress. We stayed silent throughout most of it. Even Hua Er didn't speak a single word. She was busy playing with Dragon.
However, I was glad that they were quiet. I should be used to what had happened yesterday but it's always still a shock to me. To even cross a line by bringing Jaxon into it... was very displeasing to me.
I saw him when I left the Emperor's chamber. After I spoke with the Emperor at night, I left and saw him in the other room. We gave each other a slight nod and I left for my estate. He didn't talk to me, nor did he want to, I suppose.
Jaxon could take his time. I didn't want to disturb nor rush him. I know I should've talked to him. It should've been me to apologize, yet I was still disappointed with him. I'm doing the best I can right now. I want to forgive Jaxon, I do. But there's still a little bit of resentment in me because I can't believe he spoke those words to me.
I tried my best. I tried my best to live here and I think I did great. I am successful as the Empress.
When my maids were almost done, I noticed the expression on my head maid's face. Discomfort. I knew why. The slap was unexpected, but she did get off very easily. I could've disposed of her because I could've died.
Not being able to see my family and friends with all the things I've been through... that thought made me shudder.
"About yesterday," I looked at the head maid from the mirror. She looked back at me, silently. "I apologize."
My head maid shook her head and smiled. "You shouldn't, Empress. I deserved way worse. I should be thanking you for sparing my life."
"I know," I responded. She continued with my hair. "But if you learned from it, I want to move forward... I don't want to die. I want to live."
"Yes... It was wrong of me. I'm going to do the best I can, Your Majesty," she paused. In one of her hands, she held my larger headpiece. "I'm going to make it up to you."
She wouldn't have the opportunity to, anyway. I would leave soon. It was the thought that counts. At least she had the desire to make it up to me, or carry on this kindness to someone else. Truly, I hated deceiving people. I didn't want to refrain from telling them that my stay here wasn't permanent.
Dragon climbed up my lap and curled herself into a ball. I didn't want to stand up. She almost died and I wanted to bond with her. God, I was pathetic. An empress should not be a crazy cat lady. That would be bad for my reputation.
My hair was done and my hanfu was light but warm for the autumn season. I was supposed to go horseback riding today. Last night, I asked the Emperor. I needed to be occupied with something. I wanted to free my mind.
The attire I was wearing was easy to move around in. I twirled around in it and admired myself from the mirror. Then, my maids ushered me out.
"Are you ready to go, Empress?" Lian Ying bowed along with the other eunuchs. He waited outside the palace for me.
He stood a few meters away from the doorway and next to the sedan chair. I walked down the steps carefully with my maids accompanying me. When I stood below the steps, they were gone. I would have bonding time with the Emperor... and his guards.
I held my head high and smiled. "Yes, I am."
When we arrived outside of the Imperial city, the Emperor and a large group of guards were outside. I avoided eye contact with Jaxon. He stood near the Emperor but when I walked out, he took a few steps away from him.
Leaves were beginning to fall from the trees and the gentle breeze against my skin brought memories. Autumn was when I had to adapt as an Imperial Concubine. It's been so long that it feels weird to be at the top. Back then, I didn't really understand what I was getting myself into.
"Happiness and peace to the Empress!" the guards spoke in unison, bowing deeply with their head dipped.
"Greetings to Your Majesty," I bowed when I walked towards the Emperor.
He smiled gracefully and took my hand. As he did, he turned to the guards. "You may all rise."
"Hua Yang told me that this is your first time, is that right?" the Emperor continued to hold my hand, and I let him.
I nodded. "Yes. I've never... done such things when I was farming."
The Emperor cleared his throat. He looked away for a second, then looked back at me. For a second, he seemed to be in thought. I was a little shaky when I spoke. Perhaps there was suspicion? I hope not. I would be in trouble if he caught me.
He settled me on the horse. I didn't know what breed it was but it was a pure white horse that looked friendly. I pet him softly before I went on because I was scared if it tried to throw me off.
"This horse is properly trained," he patted the horse's head. "I doubt he'll try and hurt you. Just enjoy the ride and the scenery with me, Empress."
"Do I hold onto this?" I asked as I held the reins. I did watch a couple of horseback riding videos when I was bored, but I didn't know that I'd be in this position.
The Emperor raised his eyebrows. "You look like an expert."
"Thank you, I try," I chuckled. "Let's hope that he doesn't hate me and try to get me off his back."
"He won't. I won't let him," the Emperor smiled as he got onto his black horse and gave me a subtly flirty wink.
I did it back and let out another small laugh after. Was this embarrassment? I did not want to make a fool out of myself.
We set off. It was like riding a bike; it was pretty liberating because I didn't have to do much. It was more of a body exercise or a core exercise. I did catch myself holding the reins a little too tight sometimes. I never did support riding horses but I'll make sure this horse gets good food after this.
Doing that little movement with the reins was also hard because I didn't want to hurt the horse. It was weird for me. I could imagine sending Fei Ruo to get thirty canes but I couldn't do a light pull on a horse.
Well, the horse was different. I prefer a horse rather than Fei Ruo.
The gentle breezes of the wind were not gentle anymore. It was harsh but free against my face and I loved it. My hair was still done up, and I was surprised at the structure. It stayed. I wonder what laws of physics the maids have studied to keep my hair up. Then again, physics wasn't 'invented' here.
I could invent physics right here. Truly, I could be the next Isaac Newton. It shocked me that all of these people were oblivious to the concept of gravity... Or superposition... It was better if they didn't. That stuff was complicated sometimes.
"This was more fun than I thought!" I laughed loudly, enjoying the smooth ride as we almost soared through the forest.
"I'm glad!" the Emperor responded. He turned to face me and he looked majestic. His black mianfu with gold embroideries matched the black horse. Half of his hair was let down, and it flowed with the wind behind him.
It was beautiful. I wish I could take a picture but I was sure my phone battery died a year ago. Speaking of phones, I was surprisingly shocked at how I functioned without one.
We stopped our horses in a small deserted area for a while. There was an abandoned building in the middle, but I didn't ask the Emperor what it was. I was afraid if I didn't know what the building was, it would raise suspicion. He didn't say anything about it until he caught me staring.
The Emperor sat down on the large boulder. He followed my eyes and sighed. "That is an abandoned shrine."
I wonder if he could read my mind. I stood up from the boulder I was sitting on and slowly walked towards the shrine. "What happened to it?"
"My father came here occasionally," he explained as he stood up to walk behind me. I touched the side of the small building. "After he passed, we removed everything in it and let it be."
"Is he buried here, Your Majesty?" I turned my body to face him.
He shook his head and let out a laugh. "No. Have you not seen the big tombs? Anyway, I come here sometimes to get my mind off of things."
The Emperor was bolder than I thought he would be. Wasn't he afraid that anyone could attack him when he came here alone? It was a creepy site where we were, and it'd be extra creepy at night.
I guess he felt invincible because he was the Son of Heaven. The Emperor's mind was complicated but it was enjoyable to see into it. I watched as he walked in front of me and touched the side of the building with his fingers. I stayed quiet to give him a moment.
"I've never gone in, actually," he turned around. "I guess I'm afraid of it as well."
"It does scare me a lot too," I laughed, covering my mouth with my sleeve. "I didn't want to sound offensive and say it out loud."
He smirked. "I'm surprised you'd hold your words. Usually you'd say something strange by now."
"I feel honoured to have you bring me to a sacred place that reminds me of your father, Your Majesty," I leaned my back against the wooden pillar. "But it does scare me. I don't think I could handle being here at night."
The Emperor looked in thought when he made eye contact with me. There was a conflicting smile on his face, but I chose to not mind it. I behaved well in front of the Emperor. Sometimes a little mischievous. Did he miss it?
He didn't speak for the duration of him settling down on the boulder again. When he looked up at the shrine, he sighed heavily. "It was rebellious of me to do so. I was afraid every time I would come here, but at the end of my time here, I felt relaxed."
It's scary to be at the top all the time. It's scary to be at the top. Everyone is out there to hurt you. And you're lonely—very lonely.
Which was why he came here for solitude; to be outside the Palace and to a serene, yet creepy, area. I wonder how he coped with everything, and I realised that I didn't have to wonder. I experienced it as well. Trust issues and loneliness... something I wish I knew before I ranked my way to the top.
"I see," I watched as the trees slightly danced with the wind. The sounds of the leaves rustling and the blowing of the winds were picking up the intensity.
I wondered about paranormal activity in ancient China. I've never asked Hua Er or anyone else about it. Perhaps they didn't know of the theory of ghosts? The Emperor looked so lost in thought that I didn't want to ask him about ghosts.
The sound, scent, and view of the place were relaxing if I didn't have to see the shrine. I was truly enjoying the gentle silence between the Emperor and me.
He broke it off eventually.
"Ying Yue, I have to talk to you about something," the Emperor said, but his voice changed. This time, he was serious in his tone.
I blinked a few times. There was more rustling in the trees, and I was afraid if the winds would get more violent. "Yes, Your Majesty? You can ask me any—"
I was afraid it wasn't the winds.
"Your Majesties, run! We've been ambushed!" I heard a voice yell, while it got closer.
Groups of men in black and men with armour that I couldn't identify began to approach us. Right before my eyes, Imperial guards quickly zoomed past them to stop them. A battle was going to begin, and I was standing there in confusion.
The Emperor quickly took my hand but another guard unintentionally distracted him by giving him a long sword. I tried to speak but I was still in shock. Still in my meditative stage, I wasn't able to process what was going on.
"Empress!" another voice yelled, but it was already too late.
My life flashed before my eyes when a large arrow was flying towards me. I couldn't react, I couldn't move. I was speechless; I didn't even scream. I let it happen. I was about to accept my fate.
When it got closer, I flinched and covered my face. I should've defended myself, but I just didn't have the mental capacity to.
Darkness.
It felt like an eternity but I opened my eyes. I was still in the same setting as I was before. It was as if time paused when I closed my eyes, and continued when I opened my eyes. Swords were still clinking, grunts were heard. Someone was in front of me. I quickly backed away from him. I couldn't muster a word, I didn't check if I was impacted or not. Something told me that I had to check who it was.
"Protect Her Majesty!" another voice called, and I saw a woman riding a horse towards me. She looked familiar, and I realised when she got closer that it was Hua Fa. There was panic on her face.
But I didn't pay attention to her. Slowly, I leaned to the right to catch a glimpse of the person's face. My heart stopped.
Jaxon.
The arrow stuck to an area in the middle of his chest. I gasped in shock when he turned to face me. I didn't know what to say but look slightly below his neck.
An arrow was plunged in the middle of his chest. I couldn't see everything from the angle I was in, but I knew it was Jaxon and I knew he was hurt. My heart was crumbling in my body. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to do something.
I couldn't muster up a sentence. I felt small. I felt weak. And someone had my hand, tugging me to leave.
"The second prince! It's the second prince, Your Majesty! He's started it!" another voice yelled.
I didn't pay any mind to whatever was happening. My heart was almost malfunctioning as I continued to gape at Jaxon. My arms reached out to help but I couldn't speak. My throat was starting to dry up. "Are... Are you—"
"Empress, let's go!" Hua Fa's voice entered in my ear and she resorted to pulling me away from Jaxon.
I continued to keep my eyes glued to the back of Jaxon, but I needed to go back. With hesitation, I followed Hua Fa who led me behind the shrine. She helped me up on my horse and we were off. I avoided conversation, I couldn't speak.
Everything was a shock and I found myself with widened eyes staring off into nothingness. My entire body was numb. My heart was beating, almost beating out of my chest. I was loosely holding my reins and sometimes, I forgot to control my horse. Hua Fa tried her best to help me snap out of it, but I completely shut down.
Tears started to wet my lashes, and I couldn't see with the blur in my eyes. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to go back. I needed to check if Jaxon was fine.
He dived in front of me to protect me. This is what I had to repeat to myself while we rode back. The entire time, my mind was racing with the thought of him dead. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't need this to happen. This was cruel, way too cruel. I've already had people taken away from me, and I didn't want this to happen again.
Haven't I been through enough?
I couldn't think like this. I couldn't leave knowing I left without Jaxon. We were supposed to leave together. We were supposed to laugh, talk, and be great friends when we go back home.
Which is why this couldn't happen. This couldn't. I could feel the tears stinging my cheeks but I cried in silence because Hua Fa was near me.
No. No. No. This didn't have to happen. Two of us. We would leave together and this was a promise. We would never leave without each other. I couldn't do this. I couldn't. After our argument, all I felt was guilt now.
He saved my life. He saved me. Although I was the one who was saving us most of the time, I didn't come close to what he did today. And why did I let myself relax in a place like that? I could've done something. I shouldn't have left Jaxon.
More tears. More tears but I didn't cry. My eyes were wide-opened, my body was stiff, I rode the horse like a statue.
We took a small break. We were close to the Imperial city. But Hua Fa had stopped her horse, so I stopped mine. I didn't react nor say anything. I wanted to thank her, but I was too in shock by everything to even look her way.
Our horses were close to each other. Hua Fa opened a small container and handed it to me. I slowly turned to look down. Water. I needed water. I was parched. Quietly, I took the container and chugged it. Still lost in my thoughts, I finished it and gave it back to her. I wiped the water dripping down my neck and chin.
Hua Fa took it back and closed the container with the lid. She slightly craned her neck to look at me. "Empress, are you alright? How are you feeling?"
"Fine... I'm fine... Just... just in shock," I said calmly, but my body was not calm.
My body was shaking under my attire and I was surprised she didn't notice it. Jaxon was dying by now and I was doing nothing about it. How could I be fine?
"I knew something was wrong when I saw His Highness walk into the Emperor's palace," Hua Fa talked in a soothing tone. "I was peeking in His Majesty's palace because I followed the second prince... I know I shouldn't, Your Majesty, but he was extremely suspicious."
Hua Fa pursed her lips. "I told General He and we collected the troops to make our way to where Your Majesties were."
Without Hua Fa, I think we would've died.
I remembered what Colonel Shi told me. How could I be so stupid? I didn't think they would attack in broad daylight, following us here like stalkers. This was my fault as well. This was my fault. If Jaxon dies, this would be my fault and I would never forgive myself.
The second prince was already bad news, I wasn't surprised. I gripped on the reins, still staring off into nothing. "I should've been there... I should've been there to help."
I paused.
"Oh... no... I wouldn't be able to fight them off," I whispered. "I-I don't do sword fighting..."
"Your Majesty," Hua Fa hesitated to place her hand on my back, but she did anyway. "We'll be home soon... My first priority is to keep you safe. I promise I'll protect you."
I went off on Jaxon for saying this. But he did. He did protect me. He protected me in the end, didn't he? Jaxon said he'll promise to protect me. And he did. He did. He did. He did. I tried to wipe off my tears, but they were already dried.
No more. No more losses. I can't grieve anymore. I am tired of grieving. I don't want another death.
"Thank you... Thank you... I-I mean it," I faced her, still with the tears-stained cheeks. I didn't care if I looked vulnerable in front of her.
I needed saving sometimes. I couldn't do this all on my own.
She smiled. "You are strong, Your Majesty... I-I have to confess that I couldn't greet you in the morning with the rest because I had to speak to the Emperor on what to do to prepare for the rebellion."
"We didn't know it would be like this... though," she looked down.
"Why didn't you just tell me, Hua Fa?" my voice was on the verge of breaking.
"His Majesty said you seemed to be dealing with something... You looked stress, and he didn't want you to worry too much about it," Hua Fa frowned. "I apologize, Empress, but I had to obey his orders no matter what."
I sniffed. There was nothing to say. So I nodded and gave her a small smile, small because that was all there was left of me to give. I wasn't happy. Not at the moment. Jaxon was shot before my eyes because of me.
Tears poured when my horse followed behind Hua Fa, and I cried the entire ride through.