"I heard you executed those maids yesterday." the Emperor broke our silence.
It was night time and I stayed in his bedroom.
If you concentrated on the outside noises, crickets were chirping outside. It was sort of a relaxing feel. I laid comfortably under the blankets of the Emperor's bed. Nothing romantic about it. I was just lonely.
He sat on the opposite side, leaning close to me. Today, he looked less tired than he usually is. I think it was because of the polo game tomorrow. I've never been to one nor watched one. I don't care enough about it. I hated seeing horses being used for entertainment.
Slowly, I let out a small exhale. "Yes, I did... They deserved it."
"I agree." the Emperor responded right away. He bored his eyes into mine; almost black, dull eyes that rarely shone in the light. His eyes fixated on me and I almost shivered under his stare.
I chose not to speak about the maids' involvement with Minister Feng. It wasn't theatrical enough if I told the Emperor himself. Besides, I don't think he'll believe me with the lack of evidence I had. The Emperor had to see it to believe it.
This is why I couldn't wait for tomorrow.
Before I even spoke, the Emperor got up from the bed. I felt the bed slowly rise from my bottom. As the eunuch walked inside, bowing before us, the Emperor turned to look at me. He had a genuine smile on his face.
Slowly, I looked at what the eunuch was holding. There was a cat held snugly in his arms. I didn't know what breed the cat was but it was a typical one. Light grey stripes with yellow feline eyes. The cat's little belly was white.
The feline animal watched me like a hawk, almost like it wanted to tell me something.
The Emperor took the cat from the eunuch's arms and held it in his. He looked adorable holding it. Like a father. I'd rather see him hold animals than babies.
"Empress, I feel that you are quite lonely in your palace," the Emperor quietly said. The eunuch quickly dismissed himself. "I decided that I'd gift you a little friend."
I let out a soft laugh when he passed me the cat. Surprisingly, the cat didn't scratch me or bite me, which is what usually cats do. I wasn't really a cat person. Dogs were better in my opinion, but this cat was obedient. It could sit still. I let it settle itself on my lap as I looked up at the Emperor.
"Thank you, Your Majesty. You are considerate enough to do this," I said almost in a whisper. A big smile was spread on my face. "I love him."
The Emperor nodded. "Her... What are you going to name her?"
"Oh, Your Majesty," I smoothed the cat's head. I watched her head go back and her eyes close. The cat was adorable... also silent. I wanted it to meow or make a noise but it stayed calm. I think it was probably trained before this. "I'm bad with names. Why don't you come up with a name?"
I was thinking this cat might have a spy-cam in it but I realised where I was right now. The Emperor gifted this to me. I don't even want to ask him how he got it... It was true that I was lonely in my palace sometimes. I don't know how the Emperor knew but I was assuming one of my maids blurted it out.
You know the harem, there's plenty of gossiping going around.
"No, she's yours," the Emperor sat down next to me. "I believe if you name her yourself, she'll be more obedient to you."
A chuckle escaped from my lips. We both faced each other and shared amusement. The Emperor was smiling today. He rarely was joyous. Every time I saw him, he was either angry or solemn. I almost felt bad that the polo game will end off with something happening, but Minister Feng needed to go away.
I placed the cat down and exhaled sharply. I had a great name in my head, Em-PURR-ess. But it obviously wouldn't make sense because I wasn't speaking English. I felt pretty pressured to find a good cat name. Usually, I'd name it 'Dog' or something ironic but I don't think ancient Chinese humour would understand it.
Then, I scanned the room. I tried searching for anything that could be a good name for a little cat. I was pathetic. After a little bit of searching, my eyes stopped at the dragon embroidery I did.
He still kept it.
My smile gradually spread wider. I turned to look at the Emperor. "Dragon. Her name will be 'Dragon.'"
"A female cat named 'Dragon'?" the Emperor raised an eyebrow. He took another glance at Dragon, who stretched on the floor. She arched her back and widened her mouth.
"What's wrong with that, Your Majesty?" I pursed my lips, keeping my eyes fixed at the Emperor now.
I waited for him to say something, maybe try to argue with me, but nothing came out of him. The Emperor wasn't going to throw a fit over a cat's name. That'd be stupid. There were more things to worry about than a female cat named Dragon.
The Emperor slowly nodded at me. "Fair enough, Empress."
"You know, Your Majesty, I miss being called Ying Yue."
"You do? You don't want me to call you by your title?"
"No, I just think it's nice to have you call me by my true name," I watched Dragon lay on the ground. She looked at me. I looked away slowly and faced the Emperor. "Unless you prefer 'Empress'?"
"Whatever you like, Ying Yue." the Emperor replied in a softer tone. He studied my face. His eyes trailed to my lips, to my nose, and then back to my eyes. He was so obvious that I don't think he was hiding it.
I was pleased. Nobody in the palace called me Ying Yue, except for the Emperor now. I've been so used to 'Empress' or 'Your Majesty', that I missed being called Ying Yue. Even Hua Er is so keen on not referring to me by my real name. Since the Emperor was the only person who called me by my name, I hoped he felt more connected to me.
We both sat in silence now. After speaking, we turned to watch Dragon. She kept her eyes open but now closed. Probably because it was awkward. I always felt awkward when a foreign animal was staring at me. I didn't know what to do. Do I talk to it? Do I touch it?
After glancing back at the Emperor, I remembered another reason I was here.
I was comfortable where I was, but I shifted myself so I didn't ruin my hanfu. The Emperor turned away from Dragon and watched me. I leaned my head back and sighed. "Your Majesty, please don't get mad when I say this."
The Emperor furrowed his eyebrows. He rested his weight on the palm of his hand settled near my thigh. "What is it?"
"Do you remember the beautiful pin of the red bird you gave me when I was an Imperial Noble Consort?" I asked.
He nodded once.
Once I was a high-ranking consort, the Emperor showered me with more gifts than before. Perhaps he pitied me because I lost Guan Shu, or maybe it was just common to do so. I had a lot of jewellery as well. The earrings that I wore today had the centerpiece of jade.
"I lost it... I just saw it yesterday, but I don't know where it went." I looked away from him and held the blankets up to my chest.
I was still sitting. If I laid down right now, I think I'd fall asleep. The summer night breeze was slightly blowing against my skin. It felt very late even though it was probably around nine. I wanted to go back to my estate and sleep.
As I peeked at the Emperor's reaction, he let out a slight chuckle. "That's alright. I'll get you a new one."
"I know you're mad at me, Your Majesty! I wore it when I was greeting the women in the morning," I slightly pouted. "It must have fallen... but it would've returned to me."
"Don't worry about it, Ying Yue," the Emperor gazed above my head. He scanned the pins in my hair and reached out to fix my larger headpiece. "Your hair looks fine. You can always get a new one."
The Emperor was someone that I misunderstood, didn't I? Or was it because we were together and he had to be kind to me. I never knew how he treated the maids. Or how he treated his eunuchs. He was always kind to me.
That's why I put up with Bao Zhai and the other women in the harem. That's why I put up with waking up early in the morning. That's why I put up with doing a lot of work to manage the harem. It was for the Emperor. I owed a lot to him.
Because in a sense, I was slightly manipulating him.
I shook my head. "Your Majesty, it isn't the same... It doesn't have the same sentimental value..."
The Emperor threw back his head and laughed. I let out a soft sigh and smiled at his reaction. He shook his head as he grinned at me.
"Ying Yue, I'm here in front of you, aren't I? I am the sentimental value." the Emperor smirked.
I nodded. "That is true."
The Emperor looked more child-like when he smiled. A lot less scary.
Then it slowly faded. I knew he was going to say something out of topic because he looked serious now. His eyes have darkened. When he reached for my hand, I almost felt myself flinch and move away.
"Ying Yue, no matter what the court says," the Emperor looked directly into my soul. "I won't let your throne be in jeopardy."
It was always that. I wondered if he said that to the late empress, but then I remembered that she has never felt this in her life. Everyone most likely rooted for her. If they didn't, their voices didn't matter.
Then I realised that there was a reason. The Emperor, every day, having to keep up with security and always on high alert because everyone was out to get him. Prince Jing is one of the examples. There was definitely more but I never interfered with affairs like that.
I realised the loneliness of the Emperor. The loneliness of being the Emperor who stayed at the top, always having to put up a front. Me alone, I felt lonely. I don't think I've ever felt as lonely as I was as the Empress. I didn't have time to make friends in the harem—or didn't want to.
All the women in the harem could not fill the void the Emperor had. Being the most powerful wasn't all that fun. The Emperor was worried about my position, and it was due to experience. Having people backstab you, not being able to trust many people around you...
The Emperor still had plenty of women to rely on, but I doubt he loved them. Still, I feel as if the late empress will still be in the Emperor's heart. Maybe that's why he held onto her and was so blind to see her flaws... Maybe it was because he needed someone to hold onto and rely on. Chang Ying was favoured, I know she was, but the Emperor needed someone as his equal.
Was that why he chose me? He felt that I was equal to him—that we could relate to each other... The dragon embroidery was a prime connection between us. The Emperor was someone that I didn't know I could read, but everybody had walls that hid vulnerable things. Before I felt like I was walking on eggshells when I spoke to the Emperor, but now, I felt like the eggshells held me up.
I was slowly starting to learn and understand the Emperor.
Now, I felt guilty. He knew I didn't love him, and we've never slept together. He still chose me and I just felt like I needed to owe it to him. It almost made me not want to continue the plan regarding Minister Feng.
I was starting to get irritated by the quick thought of Minister Feng.
The Emperor watched as I slowly clasped my hand between the Emperor's hand. I looked at him. "It's not fun, is it? Being alone?"
He didn't respond.
"Being at the top all the time... having to be afraid of your throne usurped," I looked away from him, shaking my head slowly. My eyes fixed on Dragon. Her eyelids drooped. "Never having anyone truly understand your struggles because you're the Emperor so they assume you have everything you want."
He didn't stop me nor deny it. I slowly looked away from Dragon, who was now quietly sleeping on the floor. The Emperor gulped. "Yes, that's what I've always battled with... even as a child. I was the Crown Prince, the heir of the throne... The amount of work and training I had to do isn't something I want to wish upon my son."
The Emperor looked at me now, shrugging. "But anything for the nation."
I wanted to hug him, like hold him in my arms maybe. I don't know if that was intimate but I didn't belong to anyone. Jaxon, wasn't on my mind at this current hour. No one was on my mind but me... and maybe Minister Feng but for a different reason.
As we both settled under the blankets, I rested my head on his shoulder.
"That's one of the reasons why I made you my empress," he continued, staring off into the distance. "You're powerful, strong, resilient, and there's something about you that I see in myself... It gets lonely being the only one like that."
The Emperor inhaled sharply. "You opened my eyes to what a woman can do."
About time... I hated the sexism here.
Our hands were still intertwined with each other. He rubbed circles behind the back of my hand with his thumb. I felt safe. I didn't feel out of place. I almost felt like I belonged here. If the Emperor and I truly did fall in love, I would leave everything I had in my own world... I don't think I could do it.
I still wanted to refrain from thinking about leaving, or not leaving. I had to enjoy this moment now. But the Emperor was a good man. Even though he may have punished me twice, I still chose to forgive him. I shouldn't, but the harem life would be better if I did.
"You're open-minded. That's a trait not many people have, Your Majesty." I nodded with myself.
I felt the Emperor nod too.
We stayed in silence again. I shuffled in my position, laying my head on his chest now. Right now, I was tired. My eyelids felt heavy and I was starting to doze off. My muscles relaxed, my eyes relaxed, and my breathing relaxed. Everything of me, relaxed.