No one could recover from that surprise, which is the surprise of someone you trusted, showing you their true colours. I wondered how far she would've gotten if I did forgive her. Chang Ying had the smarts to pull it off—to portray a whole different persona of herself to me and everyone else. It was manipulative. It was a very good manipulative plan.
They preach so much about morals and virtue, but I barely see anyone following these rules. Even the officials will plot against each other. Of course, people can vary. Their personality, looks, values, interests, hobbies, can vary, however, why must there be so much plotting and need for power here? Has Eastern philosophy not yet taken off? Either way, it wasn't just ancient China. It was ancient Rome, Greek, Egypt, and even up to my year, 2018, where people will do whatever it takes for money and power. Is the concept of money and power such a bad thing? No. I believe not. But in the wrong hands, can it cause a complete disaster? Yes. Absolutely. The history of the events that had happened before I was born scared me and the present still scares me now. Is it human nature to plot and scheme for a little bit of dominance? We all die at the end, don't we? We all sleep, we eat, we breed, and we die. That is the way we were meant to be doing, and yet we have overcomplicated the way we live.
Ancient China. The place I never knew I'd live in. How fast time has passed me by! And how grateful I was that after all that I've been through, I still have remained unharmed. For all I know, this could be hell and I did die, but if this is hell, perhaps hell isn't too bad.
I still haven't recovered from my interaction with Chang Ying. I must say, I have to acknowledge her plan and her brains to even pull it off. She tricked me. To make matters even worse, I almost tricked myself into excusing her behaviour. I doubted everything. It must've been because I was afraid of losing another friend.
"Madame Ying Yue." A eunuch revealed himself to me, dipping his head before looking up at me. It was Lian Ying, the Emperor's main eunuch. He stood before me, holding a small smile.
As I placed my brush down, I glanced at Hua Er quickly before looking down at him. "What is it?"
"His Majesty has requested that you see him," Lian Ying responded. "If you will, please follow me."
Hua Er gave me a quick nod before urging me to hurry up. Without saying another word, I hastily walked down, giving the eunuch a quick smile. I was afraid of what was going to come up. The Emperor was busy at this time. My heart was racing. I knew Lian Ying felt my hand sweat against the palm of his hand. But I didn't want to ask him anything. I chose to keep my mouth shut.
Then, an immediate thought came to my mind. If the Emperor tells me beforehand that I was going to be the next empress, what would I do? Thank him? I started to feel a spike of adrenaline in my body. And a spike of guilt—I started to think things through. I wasn't ready for this position. Once I get it, was I planning to leave? How could I just leave like that? At one point, I'd have to break the news to the Emperor and tell him that I'm not even from here. There will be a point where I'll have to either fake a suicide or tell him the truth. Jaxon would leave as well. How will that make things any better? They would assume the worst and say that we were secretly lovers. Then the officials would have the biggest 'I told you' moment in history! If I was going to leave, I still didn't want to leave a bad reputation for myself in this place. Call me egocentric if you want, but I don't want to be known as a woman who was disloyal to the Emperor.
My heart was hammering against my chest as I climbed into the sedan chair. Since I could hear the pounding of my heart, I was silently hoping that the eunuchs around me couldn't.
Would the Emperor eventually force me to produce an heir? The Emperor seemed to keep his distance from me, which makes me believe that he doesn't really love me. If he doesn't love me, he can't give me the 'Empress' title. And if he does and I get it? I'll suffer from the guilt I'm already carrying on my back. There was no turning back. I figured I would come clean. I'll tell the Emperor that I don't love him. I'll tell him straight to his face. I'll tell him. I can't sleep anymore, knowing that I don't love him. I can't exploit his heart like that. This wasn't my character. I was willing to fight, but this is going too far. I felt the pressure inside of me. If the Emperor gets mad and threatens to kick me out of the harem, I'll allow it. I'll beg him for the Empress pin. Jaxon and I can stab ourselves and leave. Stabbing would be the worst technique, but I was willing to risk dying.
I can't keep lying anymore. I didn't love the Emperor.
My eyes started to water. I swallowed as I put my head down. Nobody can see me, I could cry right now but my eyes would redden. I blinked back my tears. To keep me distracted, I fidgeted with my sleeves and stared at my hands.
The original plan was to use my hair when I am the empress, but that wasn't possible if I confess. I wish Jaxon would be here with me, so he'd guide me to what I was supposed to do. Although I handled mostly everything myself, I needed Jaxon. There is no way I can do this alone. I needed him to tell me what to do.
We finally arrived.
The eunuchs helped me out. I gracefully stepped out, keeping my head held high.
This was finally it. I came up with a plan that I'll have to follow through with. I wanted to confess everything. The Emperor had to help me... I needed him to. I'll expose everything from technology to human behaviour if I have to. He didn't have to believe me but I'll find a way for him to believe me. Once he believes me, he has to help me. He must.
Why am I so stupid? Stupid, stupid, stupid!
"Warm blessings to Your Majesty." I kneeled, bowing nervously. My knees started to feel weak when I felt his presence come nearer. How could I lie to this man? This man who pardoned me from many things, this man who broke rules for me... I was disloyal.
I refused to look up at him.
"You may get up." The Emperor's voice was enough to give me shivers down my spine. The ground felt comfortable. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to face what would happen next. Can he hear how loud my beating heart was?
"Thank you, Your Majesty," I replied. When I stood up, I looked at him. The Emperor noticed my discomfort. Well, I assumed he did because he lowered his chin and studied my face. To respond to that, I awkwardly smiled. This was embarrassing.
The Emperor relaxed his face. Still, he studied me. His eyes scanned my nose and to my lips, then back to my eyes. I stayed still. I waited for him to speak first. My politeness was extra as of now. "Will you be my empress, Ying Yue?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
I didn't know what had gotten into me, but I exploded in shame. I collapsed on the ground and kneeled. The palms of my hands were wet now, pressing hard on the ground. My cheeks were burning. To show more respect, I kowtowed to him. "I can never serve you as a wife, Your Majesty! I haven't given you an heir, I haven't accompanied you in bed... I cannot reciprocate the feelings back."
I continued, still keeping the top of my head pressed against the hard floor, "You've been gentle, affectionate, and caring to me, but I... I cannot repay you. All this time that I've spent with you, I know you will never get it back. There are so many ways I can repay you, but I cannot. I am left empty-handed. I pay my reverence to you for treating me so kind after all—except for the... er... Anyway, I apologize, Your Majesty."
The Emperor cleared his throat. "Ying Yue..."
"Y-You might as well banish me from the harem, Your Majesty," I sobbed. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. They dripped onto the ground like little drops of coffee from the coffee filter. The guilt was eating at every particle of my being. "I have failed you as a woman in the harem. I deserve to be punished! I apologize a thousand times! I should've told you sooner, but I didn't know what to do—didn't know how to tell you this. But today, Your Majesty, I tell you today. I cannot fall in love with you. I truly hope your ego isn't bruised anyway... definitely not as I intended! You are quite a handsome individual and perhaps in another life, I will fall into your arms and we'll make out in the sunset but not this life!"
I've cried again. I've cried in front of the Emperor again. I thought I wouldn't repeat it, but I did. Have I been used to showing vulnerability to the Emperor? I waited for him to hold me. I waited for him to lift me up and embrace me, but all I felt was the hot summer air surrounding me. My body was trembling under my hanfu. I knew it was noticeable. My lips were quivering as I tried to keep my cool. I'm already crying, I might as well just let it all out because the neglect was already happening. The Emperor continued to remain in the same position. He was towering over me like a dull tree providing shade to a hysterical rabbit. I've never kowtowed for this long. I was afraid to look up at him to see the anger on his face. I have suffered enough. It was over for me. It was all over for me. All the things I've been through, from the Empress's schemes to Guan Shu and Rong Er's death, I can now say that all of it was for nothing. Whoever sent me here can laugh all they want. I can't do this any longer. I don't want to suffer again. The last thing I can do is beg for the Empress pin. Before I could get another word in, the Emperor patted the back of my head.
"Get up," he whispered.
I wanted to shake my head like a child refusing to do chores. I couldn't face him after this. How could I?
But I did. I got up, still trying to maintain relaxed. The wet tears running down my cheeks gave it away. I looked at the Emperor under my wet lashes and was surprised to see him nodding at me. He was thinking. He stared at me as he let his mind go wild.
He had to know. He must.
"Your Majesty—" I tried to muster up another word, but again, the Emperor shut me down.
"You served the harem well. You took control and you did an excellent job. However, your benevolence and virtue are enough to gain the approval of my mother. You are nurturing, you have latent feminine qualities that were developed throughout the months. I am very proud of you," the Emperor stated, still examining my face. "All this time, you remained to be such a benevolent woman, even when I had betrayed you. You are forgiving, nurturing, caring, and most importantly, you do not only care about yourself. You are more fit to be Empress than anyone else, Ying Yue... You set a great example for the nation and the gated city we live in. You are powerful—so powerful that my own strong officials are afraid of you."
I swallowed. "I don't... Your Majesty, I don't understand. Doesn't the idea of me being powerful scare you?"
"You must mistake me for someone else. I am not a weak man. Weak men are afraid of strong women. Strong men look for strong women. You have taught me that women can be as feminine and nurturing, while still having strength in their hearts. Look at you. You are delicate, dainty like the little flowers in our Imperial garden, but you can fight when it matters," the Emperor said. Then, he threw his head back and roared out a laugh. "And scare me? I am the son of Heaven! Why should I be afraid of anybody?"
"You have taught me well too. You have unlocked femininity within me. Before, I let my masculine side dominate me," I smiled. "After these pretty hanfu styles, my hair up, my makeup and jewellery, I feel like a woman again. The farmer lifestyle wasn't as fun as I want it to be. Here, it is a different world..."
I looked down. "But I have been disloyal to you... You won't banish me?"
Still, I was suspicious. He could be testing me. This could all be a test. I suddenly felt nauseous, I wish I could just stop thinking. The Emperor had forgiven me, but at what cost? I continued doubting his laid-back manner. I've lied to him. I've seduced him. I've slept in his bed as everyone else had. Yet I was in front of him, telling him that I don't love him. Why was he not mad at me?
"Ying Yue, I figured you didn't truly love me... Half of the women here don't," the Emperor scoffed. "I kept my distance because I knew you didn't love me. I respect your choices. You know what is best for yourself, I can see that."
He knew.
Was I that obvious?
Although I had no feelings for him, I couldn't lie to myself. He was attractive. The emperors throughout history were usually very unattractive, so seeing him was unusual. He was the depiction of the perfect-looking emperor in the shows I've watched. The Emperor took a deep inhale and looked at me again. "But I still love you, Ying Yue. I can still love you as a companion."
"Having you as a close companion is the best thing I can ask for," I blurted out. That wasn't necessarily a lie. I truly did enjoy spending time with the Emperor.
I couldn't ask for anything better. The Emperor still respected me. He still wanted me close to him. If I can continue this friendship, I'll ask for the Empress pin. I'll do what it takes to get it. But the Emperor just couldn't let me talk.
"I've made the choice to give you the title of 'Empress'," the Emperor noticed the change of emotion on my face. I couldn't help but widen my eyes at his words. He looked serious. There was no hesitation. "That is an order."