(So uh, this is the songfic request. Let's all pretend that Okita Mitsuba didn't die guys!)
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For you I could pretend I was happy, I could hide away the sorrows.
(Y/N) saw Hijikata as she passed by Kondo's room. They were talking with Mitsuba and Okita. She saw Hijikata's eyes with a light she had never seen before. He truly was happy with Mitsuba and not her. It wasn't her— It was never her. It will never be her in his eyes.
(Y/N) clenched her fist, feeling that disgusting emotion called jealousy bubble up inside her. Why was he even dating her when he was clearly still in love with Mitsuba?
Suddenly, Hijikata caught her eyes and he raised his hand. "(Y/N)! Come join us." He offered but she quickly forced a smile on her lips. "Sorry, I'd love to but I have to buy some medicine." She mutters an apology quickly before she ran out.
For you I could feign strength, numb the pain, and be the girl you can depend on.
"(Y/N)! (Y/N)! WAKE UP!!" Hijikata's fists banged loudly on the door of her room, it was already midnight. "Toshi....What?" The second she opened her door Hijikata rushed in with Mitsuba in his arms.
"She passed out! (Y/N), please help her!" Hijikata was frantic and worried. (Y/N) stood still at the door, stunned by what had just happened. Did her boyfriend really just come in with the woman he loved?
"She's running a fever. I gave her the medicine she needed, she'll be fine if she gets plenty of rest." (Y/N) says as she plopped down on a chair with an exhausted sigh.
"I'm sorry, (Y/N)." Hijikata muttered apologetically to her as he placed his hand on top of hers. "It's fine." She smiles wryly at Hijikata. "You...won't ask why I was with her?"
(Y/N) shut her eyes, as she let out a soft sigh. "I'm tired," She mumbled, pretending she didn't hear what Hijikata was saying. "I love you." Hijikata places a soft kiss on her temple.
'Is that really the case, Toshi?...' (Y/N) thought in her mind. Her thoughts were a mess but she did her best to not let it show. She thought she was strong enough for Hijikata to depend on, but it seems that wasn't how Hijikata saw it. So she pretends not to see even when it's shoved right in her face.
I'm wishing lovin was perfect, I'm praying. you don't realize deep inside that I'm broken
"Are you alright?" Hijikata placed his hand on her back. (Y/N) snapped out of her trail of thoughts to see Hijikata's steel blue orbs gazing at her worriedly.
"O-Oh! Right...sorry," She looked down at the cup of tea in her hands with a soft sigh barely audible. "What's up with you? You've been spacing out a lot these days." Hijikata says as she went quiet.
"Just thinking," She shrugged it off. She was actually debating. Had Hijikata already noticed how much of a mess she was thinking about him and Mitsuba? Or if he didn't, would he soon find out knowing that he easily could tell when she was spacing out.
"About what?" His words got her thinking again, anymore and she could've drowned in her own thoughts. "About job! There have been a lot of patients recently! Ahahaha." She covered up with a fake smile.
(Y/N) continued to smile each and every day, masking her pain with a smile, trying to fix her broken self before he could notice.
I trusted in a dream, a hopeless cause. Now I watch as the flowers wither
(Y/N) watched as Okita happily conversed with his sister, after he tried to kill Hijikata. Kondo was at the side watching too. She frowned, 'I don't belong here...But I trust Toshi.' She thought her eyes trailing to her lover. 'I trust him. Yeah– he won't hurt me...I trust him with all my heart.' She chanted continuously but then she saw Hijikata's eyes on Mitsuba.
'What....is this?' (Y/N) rubbed her chest, her eyes now falling to a lone flower at her foot. It was crumbling and withering away, but it was still beautiful in it's own way.
I'm so sick of this Fake Love, Fake Love, Fake Love. I'm so sorry but it's Fake Love, Fake Love, Fake Love.
"Toshi...I," (Y/N) tugged on Hijikata's sleeve. "What is it?" Hijikata halted his actions, he was just about to go on his usual morning rounds when she called out to him with an unusual voice.
It sounded so different from her usual one, but he couldn't tell. "I'm so sick...." Her voice was like a whisper, he couldn't hear it.
"Sorry, what?" He leaned closer towards her, his eyebrows furrowing. He watches as her mouth opens but no words came out. Then her lips broke out into a smile.
"Nothing, I said I was getting sick of drinking tea, would you mind bringing back some chocolate milk when you return?" She smiles at him, lifting her head and letting go of his sleeve.
"Is that all? Okay, I'll be back later." He sighs placing a quick kiss on her forehead he went on his way. (Y/N) clasped her hands tightly as she bit her lip. What was she about to say? Why couldn't she say it out loud?
I wanna be a good one, just for you. Give you the world love, just for you.
All she ever wanted was to be by his side when he needed her the most. Give everything he deserves and be good enough for him. She tried to do her best. But why wasn't it enough?
She stopped hanging out with Gintoki because he never got along with him. She stopped drinking with Sakamoto because he would get jealous every time.
Everything she did was for him, for him to accept her. But why did it all come crashing down like it was all her fault?
Forget who I was, just for you. Now I don't know me, who are you?
(Last Name) (First Name) was a woman of honesty, bravery and sincerity. She stood up for what she thought was right, she spoke up for others who couldn't. Such a woman helped everyone she could out of the kindness of her own heart.
Gradually, she found herself changing and changing to be worthy of Hijikata. She never stopped questioning herself. But why did she never question if Hijikata was worthy of her?
The proud, kind and pure (Y/N) was slowly changing into someone she didn't know. She slowly became quiet, silent and unsure of herself.
Forest for us two, love where have you gone?
I forgot the route, wandered now I'm lost
"Toshi?..." (Y/N) looked around, he wasn't there. Where was he? It was their alone time, a day they could spend all by themselves. But where was he? Why wasn't he by her side?
"Toshi?..." (Y/N) ran out, searching for him. Where on earth was he? She found herself at the park, sitting on a bench. Pulling her knees to her chest she softly blew on her hands. She rushed out into the cold night forgetting it was winter.
Suddenly a blue scarf was thrown on her face. It's scent so familiar to her nose. "What's a lady doing out on a cold wimter night without a scarf?" She looked up to see Gintoki with that usually uninterested look on his face. But it wasn't just the usual face, it had worry and concern in those red dead eyes of his.
"You've always called me an old woman instead of a lady, why the sudden change of heart?" She giggled softly, as she wrapped it around her neck to warm herself. Gintoki sat beside her with a grunt.
"Now I'm cold! What's that mayora boyfriend of yours doing?!" He complained and (Y/N) could feel her heart writhing in pain. "Here...You can share it." She extended the scarf towards Gintoki who blushed at her gesture.
"It's mine in the first place!" He mumbled hiding his blush, but his eyes went serious when he saw the sad look on her face. "What happened now?"
I'm starting to fade to what you want to see.
For your happiness, I have lost all of me.
One look was all it took for Gintoki to know what was wrong. He sighed when she didn't answer but kept that somber, sad look on her face. "Jeez..." He sighs as he turned his eyes to the dark sky littered with stars.
"I don't know what happened but....Don't lose yourself for someone who doesn't even see your true self." His words pierced her heart like knives. (Y/N) knew that Gintoki's words rang true.
For you I could pretend I was happy, I could hide away the sorrow.
For you I could feign strength, numb the pain and be the girl you can depend on.
"Thanks....Gintoki." (Y/N) smiles softly at the male's attempts to cheer her up. "It's alright. I'll always be here for you, no matter what happens. Whatever you decide to do, my house is always ready to welcome you." He says as he stood up.
"Now, come on!" He says as he flicks her forehead, "Where to?"
"I'm taking you home, idiot. As if I'll ever leave a woman in the streets out cold!"
Love you so bad, love you so bad. A perfect illusion created for you
"Do I....really love him? Does he really love me?" (Y/N) questioned herself out loud. She was all alone once more, and her thoughts were her only companion.
"Or is our love all just an illusion of two hearts who can't move on?"
Love you so mad, love you so mad. A beautiful doll in the image you drew
"I should've known." (Y/N) laughs ironically to herself as she looked up, her eyes losimg light. "We both had the ideal partner in our hearts...but we continue to force it on each other."
"Mitsuba is the one he sees in me...and I....."
I'm so sick of this Fake Love, Fake Love, Fake Love. I'm so sorry but it's Fake Love, Fake Love, Fake Love.
"Hijikata-kun, let's set ourselves free from this dream, okay?" (Y/N) stood face to face with Hijikata. Her eyes glossy, her lips trembling, her cheeks flushed red. "(Y/N)?...What the hell are you saying?" Hijikata couldn't believe his ears.
"Let's stop pretending with this fake love. You can be with her, and I'll be just fine." her voice was quivering but she needed to be strong. "I'm so sorry...Toshi."
"What in the damn hell are you saying. I love you, (Y/N)!" Hijikata's voice got louder, his eyes were staring down at her. She couldn't meet his gaze.
If she did, she'd lose all her resolve and give in. "I'm sorry...I love you but, it's clear you don't love me. So let's end this." She held Hijikata's cheeks with both her hands before placing a soft kiss upon his forehead.
"Be happy, Toshi."
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AUTHOR'S NOTES:
This is pinecest15's request. I had a super hard time with song fics. Might not do it again- depends- it was relly hard 😭😭😭 it was bad too...I dunno.
Requests still open tho. ♥️♥️♥️