The weather was warmer. I enjoyed the summer breeze brushing past my skin as I had my front doors open to whoever. The sounds of birds chirping helped me concentrate on the text I was reading. Ancient Chinese literature was something I was engrossed in. Besides, there was not much to do. The Empress Dowager will be hosting a banquet in a few days, and I'll have to attend. That was all the plans I had for this week.
I still haven't spoken to Chang Ying. I would catch myself picturing scenarios of what would happen if we both spoke to each other. This time, I didn't want to be confrontational. It was too risky. I'd catch Chang Ying in the act and test her, but I was still healing and putting the puzzle pieces together myself.
It was around seven in the morning, I kept yawning but I woke up early for a reason. Jaxon had informed me that today was the day where they will discuss who the next empress will be.
Reading with a loud mind was hard. As I continued to concentrate on the book, I couldn't stop thinking about what was happening in the assembly. Court officials would rip me to pieces. Although I was still favoured, I couldn't match up to the powerful officials.
They had a say in everything. I didn't.
The Emperor already broke a rule for me; I was slightly meddling with national affairs. I was a woman. I wasn't allowed to speak my mind about subjects like that, but I did. The Emperor had praised me for my high intelligence, but we both know I'm deemed to be incapable of doing anything but be his consort.
It frustrated me. I shouldn't even be surprised. History has never favoured letting women win, and I liked winning.
"Greetings to Madame Ying Yue." Jaxon walked to the front of my seat and bowed.
I put my book face down on the table next to me quickly. My feet were up and running to the front doors. As I closed them, I turned around to face Jaxon, alarmed as I did. "Are you crazy? You're not a guard anymore, you don't have an excuse to be here!"
Jaxon stood tall, wearing a navy blue mianfu with brocade material. He looked much better in this attire, rather than the ridiculously bulky guard uniform. His hair was in a topknot bun with a silver headpiece to secure it. I've been so used to this hairstyle, that if I saw a man with casually short hair, I'd be confused.
Anyways, he looked attractive.
"I still have my guard status," Jaxon raised an eyebrow in amusement. "I'm a two for one combo, remember?"
I chuckled.
"Right, why are you here? I thought we were going to meet up at the pavilion?" I peeked out the door to see if anyone saw. The area around my estate was empty. Perhaps it was because it was seven in the morning.
I hated having to poke my head out just to see if there was anyone outside. The paranoia was killing me. I didn't want to speak to Jaxon in private—this prevented us from seeing each other often, which is not what I wanted. Although we are in this together, I still feel like alone. I couldn't disclose any information to anyone because I was scared. Jaxon was the only person I could tell everything to.
Two people have already betrayed me. I don't want a third one. Hua Er was the only person I trusted sincerely, but we never speak about going back home. Jaxon knew everything. He could relate to me. We always meet once a week and it hits me hard because no one will understand me except for him.
Even then, I still felt alone. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know what I was doing here in Imperial China. What lesson was I supposed to learn? What do I even do? Technically we didn't have a plan. I'm going with the flow, but I would like confirmation that I was going somewhere. I needed to go home, I did, but I wonder if there was any reasoning behind putting me here.
Would the recipe even work?
Again, my monkey mind.
"I'm here because I need to tell you what happened this morning," Jaxon said firmly. "I don't want to waste time. I also think you'll need to sit down for this."
I listened. I sat down on one of the chairs below my main seat. Jaxon followed. He looked worried, frowning as he placed himself next to me. I braced for it. I already had thick skin, but I think I grew a few inches thicker as of now.
Jaxon cleared his throat, gently placing a hand on my knee. "The government officials don't think you're fit to be Empress. They think it's too soon, and that you meddle with state affairs too much."
I gulped.
"They have this conspiracy that you're scheming with enemies to distract the Emperor," Jaxon explained calmly. "They're afraid you're trying to usurp his throne, either to become more powerful than the Emperor, or you're working under someone."
I scoffed. "That's ridiculous, but I can see why they'd think that. I practically gave him an idea he followed through with. During assembly, I attended and they didn't expect me to come up with that."
"They're ignorant," Jaxon studied me for a while. "They stated they're skeptical on your background—how you were an orphan and then lived on a farm. And also on how you know how to fight... even saying that's your only talent."
Of course. They've already doubted me, they'll doubt me again. I was so tired of this nonsense that I wanted to act on impulse. There was a banquet coming up and the higher-ranking state officials would be present.
I've already been ridiculed for knowing how to defend myself, ironically enough. I wasn't going to take it any longer. They wanted to see talent? I'll give them the talent they want to see in a consort. I rose from my chair quickly, leaving Jaxon to look up at me in confusion.
Jaxon stood up after me. He fixed his stare into my eyes. "Oh no. What are you thinking about? You're hiding a smile."
"Jaxon, you'll just have to wait and see," I responded playfully.
I stood in the open entrance of the hall the banquet was set in. The smell of wine, food, and the sound of lingering conversations almost intoxicated me. To back down, was not a choice. I led the group of concubines behind me, with me being in front with the only blue attire. I felt the eyes fixate on me, some filled with loathing.
"Warm blessings to Your Majesties," we chimed, bowing to the man and the mother-in-law we shared. I smiled innocently, ignoring the piercing stare from Chang Ying. The Emperor gave us a gentle smile, then nodding approvingly at me.
With grace, I looked around in the room, making solid eye contact with Jaxon. I looked at the officials longer. I took a few steps forward trying to remain my composure. With the immense training of etiquette and mannerism, I learned to walk with a perfect posture. The hall we were in was spacious. The more I look around, the less I am afraid of falling.
When we reached the center, I bowed again. "I have been choreographing this dance with my fellow sisters. As a high-ranking consort, I felt I was responsible to entertain you, Empress Dowager, and Your Majesty. It is a pleasure for me to entertain the guests."
"Yes," Hua Yang, sitting very close but below the Emperor, beamed at me. She then turned to the Empress Dowager. "Ying Yue is too talented, Mother... The ability to protect herself and delicately dance, I have no words."
The Empress Dowager raised an eyebrow at me, nodding firmly. Her lips slightly curled up.
The traditional music plays, and I follow the rhythm nicely. I trained for more than enough hours for this. Concubines around me followed my lead, effortlessly flowing with my moves. We danced to the instruments. I felt the attention on all of us, but that wouldn't be too long until I grab the attention of everyone in the room.
Gradually, the major instruments stopped. The solo of the dizi continued, and the rest of my dancers slowed their movement. They gently lowered themselves down. As they kneel, they raise their arms out, their palms facing up.
All of them, in a large circle, surround me. The dizi solo, and my solo, was the dance break. I continued following the rhythm of the dizi, aligning my body with my soul. My mind was empowered, my body was empowered, my soul was empowered, to the music. I lifted my arms above my head, dropping it swiftly to the music. The attention was all mine.
I danced with passion. I danced with pain in me. I danced with pride in me. I danced with sorrow. I danced for Guan Shu and Rong Er, still remaining in my mind. I dance with all the emotions I had, mixing within me, spiralling almost out of control. My story flowed out from this dance. The music was in harmony with my unexpressed words.
The rage I felt, was elegant enough to be fitted in my moves. How could a woman dance so gracefully, yet show the raw rage in her system? Within my dance, I gave a look to the officials, now staring at me. They were thinking. Hopefully, they can think about this.
Soon, the concubines around me stood up, dancing with me again. It continued for several seconds until the music stopped and we remained in our formation. After the applause and bright faces, I was handed a scroll from my eunuch. I took it, giving the audience another look.
"A perpetual path of unfavourable circumstances,
a journey to where I belong or,
will not belong.
The agonizing terror of pondering to trudge
incessantly with no hope of glow.
Where will the everlasting but will-be-ending,
the denouement, termination, for the better.
Must I continue this journey, chasing,
diving, undeviating, into the black midst of uncertainty,
with less knowledge than an infant child, grasping its mother's milk source with
its featureless excuse of a mouth.
The soles of the once-powerful, the once,
sanguine,
continues to lift each, to each, in the pitch
unknown path towards what they,
think is the holy grail,
and will forever, or maybe forever,
reach, put its arms out and reach,
but for now, will only obtain oblivion."
I read the poem that I wrote with satisfaction. As I did, I made eye contact with the audience. I was not the best at poetry, but what I wrote wasn't nonsense. It was how I felt. Whether they liked my poem or not, I didn't care. I just wanted to make it known that I wasn't just beauty. I wasn't just a woman who knew how to fight. I was a woman who could do it all.
It didn't make me less of a woman to be violent. It didn't make me less of a woman to not be violent. Because I was both.
After I finished, my eunuch quickly took the scroll from me. I nodded in acknowledgement. I smiled at the Empress Dowager. Looking past the crowd, I then looked straight at the Emperor. The applauses were loud, but in the corner of my eyes, I saw the unsatisfied faces of the officials.
Tough.
Supposedly, the Empress Dowager should have the upper hand, shouldn't she? In case she rooted for Chang Ying, I hope this will change her mind. If she is also influenced by me, the officials will have no choice.
The banquet was the same, but the heavy stares were annoying. Aristocrats were powerful. But not as powerful as me. The Emperor was ecstatic, speaking with everyone. The wine tasted differently this time because I learned to truly enjoy it. After the event, I approached the concubines that danced with me.
"Your Grace, you did very well!" one complimented.
I let out a small chuckle, covering my mouth with my hand. "You all danced excellently. For that, I shall reward you all."
"Thank you, Madame Ying Yue." they chimed, bowing to me one last time before I made my way to my estate.
The nerves only got to me when I reached my estate. I wondered what they would say now. Besides, they couldn't judge me for not being talented. The Empress wasn't talented at all! She was just born into one of the noblest families. Her father was probably demoted anyway.
Jaxon was one of the Emperor's advisors, which is an advantage. The Emperor's main advisor was also impressed by me. I had two people on my side who was extremely close to the Emperor. I believe that that was enough. I was willing to believe that the Emperor will have the upper hand on who becomes Empress. Dynasties had different sets of rules, but I knew this was before the Mongolians attacked.
"I am certain you did well, stop worrying." Hua Er set down a cup of water for me on the table. Hua Er wasn't with me during my performance.
Feng Xi smiled at me. "Your Grace, you did excellent today. I am blessed to be around such entertainers! Fen Ai and you, I cannot wait for more."
"Thank you, but it's not just that," I sighed, gratefully reaching for the cup. "They don't like me. They're against me. I don't know anything about politics! Why would I ever want to usurp the Emperor's throne?"
Hua Er sighed slowly as she sat down across from me. We stayed silent at the dining table. I was lost in my own thoughts, thinking about how I was going to make the officials like me. I couldn't, could I? They hate me.
Are they rooting for Chang Ying? Presumably.
I've done enough to try and secure the 'Empress' title. There was nothing else I could do. Chang Ying and I, we both haven't produced the heir for the throne. I was not going to have sex with the Emperor. That was a line I will never cross. Like said, I'm doing this for a reason. The only thing I want is an exit card, not a baby.
My windows were slightly opened. I looked out. The beautiful summer night sky, and the cold breeze against the silk of my hanfu, calmed my nerves. I lost myself in the summer atmosphere. It soothed me. I am an overthinker and I stress too much.
"Your Grace," one of my maids called, but all of their faces were deeply troubled. "You...You have a visitor."
I gulped my water down before I indicated my maids to close the windows. I then set my cup down on the table. "Who is it? At this time?"
Although it didn't sound like it, I knew exactly who it was.
Quickly on her feet, Feng Xi waved the fan near me. I was not safe from the summer here. It was as if I was in an oven. The silk helped, but sometimes I chose to wear brocade attire. Perhaps I enjoyed suffering.
My lips dropped into a frown immediately after my visitor walked.
Chang Ying quietly walked past the room divider. Although there was tension between us, she held herself up with poise as she stood before me. We both didn't speak. I didn't know what else to say or do. I planned this all out but when the time came, I froze. What would you even say to a close friend who betrayed you in the worst way possible? I needed a script.
"Why are you here?" I asked bluntly, making eye contact with my enemy. Her lips tightened as she continued to focus on me. I knew why she was here. I knew she was coming.
Chang Ying took a deep breath. I saw her chest rising. As she made her way past my bowing maids, she pointed at the chair next to Hua Er. "May I sit?"
I didn't answer. I stood up, tucking my chair in. I kept my face relaxed, but my jaw was clenched as I looked straight at her. "No. I believe our conversation will be quite short."
"Very well, I understand," Chang Ying nodded, then breaking her eye contact. She looked at my maids and then at me but I chose to keep my maids here. They will witness our conversation. I guess she understood because she let out a pained exhale. "Sister, I apologize."
I couldn't believe the nerve of this woman. I narrowed my eyes at her, still questioning if she was serious or not. Chang Ying was dead to me. No matter what she said, she was dead to me. I wasn't accepting visitors during this hour, especially from her, and she knew that. I still can't believe she had the nerve to apologize to me.
She was daring. She was bold enough to stand in front of me, just to give me a simple apology. Anything she said or did, will not make any differences. I scoffed. "I'm not your pawn. If you think otherwise, I suggest you leave."
"What do you mean?" Chang Ying looked at me, shaking her head as if I did something wrong.
Good.
"You lied to me. You did all of this so I can be your little puppet," I let out a sincere chuckle, still shocked as to how I let my guards down. "You manipulated me into wanting to become Empress. I didn't want to be the next empress before and you knew that."
Chang Ying opened her mouth to speak but I wasn't done.
I stepped closer to her. "Did you kill Guan Shu too and frame the Empress? Did you kill Rong Er and frame the Empress as well? Was this all a ploy for you to use me as a stepping stool to gain the 'Empress' title?"
My breaths were getting heavy. My armpits were sweating, due to the heat and the frustration I had. Gross.
I was so frustrated with her. To see her in my face, asking for forgiveness? Who did she think I was? Chang Ying stood her ground, no matter how close I was to her.
Typical.
She knitted her eyebrows at me, still shaking her head. Her eyes wandered across my face as they widened at my words. Chang Ying stepped forward. "I didn't kill Guan Shu nor Rong Er! Sister, I would never do that to you."
"You're not denying the fact that you befriended me just to depose the Empress!" I roared. My fists were balled up, desiring some action. Everything around me was suddenly a blur. I couldn't think straight. I might act irrationally.
I continued. "You kept me close because you knew I was smart, and that I played dirty... You knew!"
I forced her to make eye contact with me. I forced her to look straight into my eyes and tell me that I was wrong and that I misunderstood everything. I wanted Niu Lin to be wrong. I did. It gave me more reasons to hate her, and it gave me more reasons to hold onto my friendship with Chang Ying.
If Niu Lin was wrong, I could hate her even more. We would be divided even more than before. Of course, I hated being close to an enemy. I didn't like it at all. But when Chang Ying looked away from me and started to think in silence, I knew Niu Lin was right.
"Are you going to defend yourself?" I eyed her suspiciously. I anticipated an answer—hopefully denial, but I already knew from the guilt on her face that I was right.
Chang Ying was a traitor.
She let out another sigh, staring off into the distance for a while before looking back at me. "Please understand this, I love His Majesty... I love him, so yes! I did use you. You were the best concubine to do it! You had the fire, you had the passion. I knew I had to get you on my side," Chang Ying glanced at Hua Er, then faced me. "After knowing that you plotted against the late empress just to avenge your maid, I thought it was finally my chance!"
I snarled. "You're too smart. You played nice—you acted innocent just to manipulate everyone, even Su Yin and me."
"Please don't tell Su Yin... She'd—" Chang Ying began, gently taking my hand in hers.
"You already did." The voice of Su Yin emerged from the hiding spot. Su Yin walked towards the scene from across the room. She placed herself behind Hua Er. Her natural narrow eyes were slitted at the friend she once respected.
My face softened, feeling at ease knowing that Chang Ying was exposed to Su Yin. Both of us trusted her. We both thought highly of her. One must understand how disheartening it was because now, no one could be trusted.
Chang Ying took a step back. She gaped at the two of us. Her eyes darted to Su Yin, then back at me, before closing her eyes. "Please forgive me!"
"I was wrong! I was wrong! I hurt both of you, my fellow sisters... It is wrong. It is wrong!" Chang Ying covered her face with the sleeves of her hanfu. Her head bowed.
"Did you kill Wan Er and her son too?" Su Yin frowned, her eyes still fixating at Chang Ying and her meltdown.
Chang Ying shook her head frantically. She removed her hands from her face, then looked at both of us. Tears were welling up in her eyes. They could fall in one blink. "No! I... I only killed her son but—"
"Why?" I furrowed her eyes, my mouth was subconsciously opened at the news. Wan Er died from childbirth but was it necessary to kill a five-week-old child? She was crueler than I thought, and that scared me.
She loved the Emperor. I knew she did. But would a woman in love kill her lover's child? I believe that it was more of an obsession. Chang Ying lived in the Imperial harem, she should know that all women here were supposed to give birth to further the bloodline. All this for a man? I could never. Did she hate Wan Er so much that she had to kill her son? Would she have killed my child if I was pregnant?
"I-I don't know! I laid with the Emperor so many times but there was no luck... I didn't want to see Wan Er's son... raised by the late empress," Chang Ying raised her voice louder. "I wanted my child to be on the throne, Ying Yue! I hated Wan Er for dying on me! I hated her!"
"Shut up! That's enough," I demanded, turning my back against her as I walked back behind my seat. I wanted to keep my distance from her. If I was still standing near her, who knows what I'd do. "All this... was just an act. I thought the late empress was the cruelest woman, but it was in fact you!"
The devastation was written on her face. To be compared similarly to the late empress in terms of wickedness, would be dreadful. I made sure she knew that.
"I helped you through so much! How could you compare? The late empress tormented you, she made your life miserable!" Chang Ying retorted.
I slammed the palm of my hand on the table, slightly startling Hua Er. "At least she didn't lie to my face and try to be my friend!"
"I never meant to hurt you! Besides, you didn't want to be Empress, I thought you'd be fine—" Chang Ying justified, walking towards me in such a manner that looked as if she was my maid.
The way she reacted told me that I was still being manipulated. She hurt me. She hurt me badly and she knows it. She got caught, and now she's acting innocent. I saw right through her. I knew Su Yin did as well.
Who knows? If I forgave her, the next day my food will be laced with arsenic poison.
"Nevermind! Don't beg me. I don't even have the power to have your title revoked. We're still in this harem no matter what," I crossed my arms.
Chang Ying bit her lower lip, tears already rolling down her cheeks. She could cry as much as she'd like. She cried in front of me before. I was immune to it. I can't sympathize with a woman like her.
"If you want to compete with me for the title, you can compete," I continued, ignoring her pleading eyes. "But you know now, that I don't back down without a fight."