- Some dance to remember,
some dance to forget -
Usually, my father gets tired of following me around the house and screaming after a few minutes. These days, however, he's more persistent than usual and getting rid of his putrid presence is harder than expected.
"Answer me!" he yells, and I sigh, "When are you gonna finally find a job to help out?"
"Daewon, lower, I can't hear the TV," whines my mom from the living room.
I peek through the doorway and see that she's sprawled on the sofa, cigarette in hand and cold slices of pizza displayed in front of her in paper plates. When she sees that I'm staring, she sends me a lethal glare.
"What are you lookin' at?"
Frowning, I turn away, facing my father again, who is still following me like a dog. I think something died in his mouth and not even the stench of alcohol can hide his horrible breath.
"So? I'm talking to you son! When are you gonna find a job?"
"I – I don't know," I say, opening the fridge to grab the milk carton.
"What about your lil' lover? Heh? I know he bought you a new laptop at the beginning of the semester! You should sell it! Heh? This way maybe we could send your sisters to the academy!"
I take out the Lucky Charms from the cupboard and make myself a cereal bowl, planting a spoon in it and taking a big mouthful. I already know that if I sell my computer to give him the money, he will spend it on booze.
"I don't know," I mumble, and he walks up to me, looking at my figure from above with mean bloodshot eyes.
"You don't know anything, am I right? Fucking imbecile, I knew there was something wrong with you."
He spits directly at my feet and then sends me a smile before turning to the living room.
"I think our son's head isn't screwed right," he yells to my mom.
"Really?" she replies from the sofa, and I know without a doubt that she didn't even hear what he just said.
She just doesn't care. It was always like that.
I'm pretty sure she didn't even acknowledge my existence when I came out of her all screaming and bloody from her womb.
I finish my cereals in two spoonfuls, then toss my dirty bowl on the mountain of dishes that's rotting in the sink. Already the smell is pretty bad.
"Hey! Where are you going, you disrespectful lil' bitch?" my father hisses in my back, but I ignore him to get to my bedroom.
Well, it's not my bedroom, it's the bedroom I share with two of my sisters. I walk in, closing the door behind me and find Kristen at the desk, doing her homework.
"Hi!" she says, tired eyes looking over me, "Careful, Jenna is sleeping."
I look towards my bed and see that my youngest sister is fast asleep, eyes closed delicately and sucking on her thumb like a toddler.
"She shouldn't suck her thumb, it's going to mess up her teeth," I whisper, getting close to the bed and cautiously taking it out of her mouth.
She turns under the covers, lips parting. God. She deserves so much better.
"I know," says Kristen, "but she's really cute when she does that."
"She's 7, she's not a baby anymore, don't let her suck on her thumb."
"Okay, okay, I won't."
I turn to her, blinking. Kristen is 16 already, and we only have a year apart, but she looks nothing like me. Her hair is straight, jet black and shiny, and she has sharper features and thin lips that I don't have. The only sign that we're related is her eyes, a bright amber like mine.
I toss a few bills on the desk over her homework, three crumpled $20 I stole from Gill Carter's locker. Jungkook would probably give me some money if I asked, but there is a limit to my disgrace.
"This is for groceries," I tell her, sitting on the other bed and the old springs whine under my weight.
"Where did you get that?" she asks, narrowing her eyes at me.
"Don't worry about it."
"Taehyung..."
"I said don't worry about it!"
She shakes her head, clearly disapproving.
"What did you eat tonight?" I ask.
"Kraft Dinner and broccoli. Mom ordered pizza, but she didn't let us have some."
I nod. That's a classic.
"Are Amy and Sidney alright?"
"Yeah, they're both gone for the week, sleeping at a friend's house while the girl's parents are on vacation."
"That's good."
Sidney and Amy are twins, both 14, and the less time they spend in this house, the better. Me and Kristen both take turns sleeping at our respective friends' houses, but one of us always stays here to take care of Jenna, who's a bit young to have sleepovers yet.
"I can stay tonight if you want me to," I tell Kristen, "Go to Emily's or Rose's, you will be able to do your homework there a lot better than here. I feel like I haven't been home at all these last few weeks."
"Yeah, but there's a reason why."
I tuck my lower lip under my teeth.
Our father harasses me ten times more than Kristen, for the simple reason that I'm a man and she's not. He's a douche, but at least he leaves the girls alone most of the time. He also never hits them, but has hit me plenty of times in the past. Less these days though, because I tend to hit back.
He knows that now.
"Taehyung!" I hear him yell across the house, "Where are you lil fucker?"
Kristen's gaze darkens.
"Taehyung! Taehyung!" he screams, and Jenna whimpers in her sleep.
"I need to shut him up before the police come here again," I whisper.
Kristen shakes her head.
"You should go. It's better when you're not here."
I look at her, and my stomach feels full of rocks.
"Kristen..."
"It's okay! I'll be alright! Go to Jungkook's."
"Taehyung!" my father screams again and he's getting closer.
"Shut up Daewon!" my mom adds even louder.
Sadness creeps in my chest in thick vines, swallowing my heart whole. The guilt is always there, every time I leave and my sister stays all alone in this madhouse with a child that isn't hers to care for. The helplessness, the regrets, they stab me where it hurts every time, aching just a little further when I think it's as bad as it can get.
"Kristen, if there is anything, call me okay! If you need money or help or anything..."
She smiles, a sad ghost of a smile that doesn't reach her tired eyes and I feel so ashamed I think I might burst.
"Go! I got this! I'm fine!"
"Taehyung!" my father hoots and I take my jacket and run out of the room.
"What?" I ask, closing the door to stand in front of him, crossing my arms on my chest.
"Tomorrow you're gonna come to the factory with me and you're gonna work! Your mom wants a new TV and you need to work! Tomorrow you're gonna come to the factory..."
He's repeating himself now, like an old record that needs to be fixed.
"I can't dad, I have school," I calmly try to reason him, and he stumbles through the corridor, following me.
"You ungrateful lil' fucker, at your age, I was already bringing money to the table."
I know his speech by now and I'm over it. I quickly grab my shoes in the entrance, making sure he didn't take my laptop in my bag, and open the front door once again.
"Where are you going?" he yells.
"To Jungkook's house."
"You fucking pussy, you're going to go fuck your lil' boyfriend, aren't you? You're going to stick your dick into his rich ass?"
"Goodbye dad."
I close the door behind me and run through the street, the need to feel my blood pump in my veins and my muscles burn overcoming everything else. I run and run, sprinting into the night, in the empty streets until I reach the train tracks, then I stop.
I take out my phone, dialling Jungkook's number and it doesn't take two seconds before he answers.
"Can I sleep over?" I ask, slightly out of breath.
"Yeah, but I took my mom's sleeping pills so I'm going to be knocked out when you arrive. You still have the key?"
"Yes."
"Okay. See you tomorrow."
I take a deep breath, then walk over the tracks, crossing over the metal beams and turning left, running towards the big white house at the end of the street, with the grass field in the front I played so many times in when I was a kid.
I didn't expect her to be awake, but here she is, headphones in her ears and writing something. I can see her through her bedroom window on the second floor, yellow light pooling from the inside and carving her body in the brightness, her flaming hair looking like blood.
She doesn't see me, focused on what she's doing. Her lips move to the lyrics of the song she's listening to and I can see that the yellow paint of her walls hasn't changed since she was little.
I shouldn't be here.
Then she lifts her eyes up, almost like she knew I was there, and our gazes meet. She scrunches her eyebrows, conflicted to find me staring like some creep, but quickly loses her frown and her eyes go down to her desk, where she looks for something.
Then my cell phone dings.
Sage: Do you want to come in?
I don't answer. I take one last look at her and run away into the night.