chapter playlist ⏯
• orchid - jeremy zucker
• missing you - the vamps
• haunted - the band camino
---
november
gemma <<<
"Here you are, beautiful."
I smiled and took the plate that Jesse was offering to me. "Thank you, Jess."
I didn't think Jesse could get any sweeter, but since we started dating, he has proven me wrong. Exhibit A: when he spends the night, he usually gets up early to make us breakfast, and then he brings it to me in bed. Is that not the sweetest thing you've ever heard? I don't know why anyone would want to treat me the way he does, but he does, and I'm very grateful for it.
I called Jesse that morning in LA, at my secret spot. I called him and said that I wanted to be with him. And that I loved him. Something just came over me when I was thinking about what my life used to be like when I went to that spot with Shawn. I just realized that I've been such a fool for sulking about him for so long when there's an incredible guy who is really into me standing right in front of me, just waiting for a chance. Why am I trying to sabotage myself out of love? Just because it's not Shawn? That's stupid, and I know it's stupid, and I'm not wasting any time anymore. I do love Jesse, and I do want to be with him. And he definitely
deserves a chance.
He didn't call me back at all after I left him that message; he waited until I got home, and then he came to my door at nine p.m., soaking wet with a bouquet of flowers. It was very, very sweet.
flashback, about a month ago
I heard a knock on my door. It had to be Jesse. I've been waiting all day for him to call me back, but I haven't gotten so much as a text, besides the one from first thing in the morning when he wished me happy birthday. It makes me nervous. What if he decided that I'm too late?
I walked to the door while running my fingers through my hair. I wish I had tried a little more today, appearance-wise.
I opened the door, and standing there was my sweet Jesse, soaking wet. He was holding a bouquet of flowers that looked surprisingly dry.
"Hi, Jess," I said, smiling. "What's up?"
"I love you. That's what's up," he replied, grinning, and I had to laugh. "And you're not too late. I want to be with you so badly, now more than ever."
My heart felt full. I made the right decision. "Well, good. I guess we love each other, then."
"I guess we do," he said, still grinning. "I've been waiting for this for so long, Gem. You don't even know."
I smiled, feeling the guilt sink in. "I'm sorry it took so long. I was just...apprehensive. I don't want to let you down."
"I don't even care if you do," he said. "It'd be worth it."
I shook my head. "You're crazy, Jess. You came all the way over here in the pouring rain?"
He shrugged. "It wasn't a big deal. I had to see you."
That's sweet. "I appreciate it. Come in, please. I'll get you something dry to wear."
I retrieved a t-shirt that is super big on me and sweatpants that are also way too big on me. There are benefits to wearing oversized clothes all the time.
"Thanks," he said.
"You should probably just stay with me tonight. I couldn't have you going back out in that rain. Especially when it's so late," I told him, a smile on my lips. I just want him to stay.
He smiled, too. "I'd love to stay."
He changed into the clothes while I put the flowers in a vase. My mind only drifted to Shawn a couple times, which isn't too bad. It's kind of hard not to think about the person who used to bring you flowers and stay the night.
He emerged from the bathroom, smiling when our eyes met. "I also forgot to say happy birthday."
I chuckled. "Thanks."
"How was LA?" he asked.
"Good. I don't miss it; I just miss Edith and Brad and Gabby," I said. "They're like family, you know?"
He nodded. "Yeah. I get it," he replied. "Happy to be home?"
I smiled. "Yeah. That flight is torture."
He laughed a little. "I can imagine."
Neither of us said anything for a few moments. Things are always a bit...odd after you confess your love for someone. At least he didn't accuse me of not meaning it, like Shawn did. Things are going better this time around.
"So, what now?" I asked, leaning against the wall. He sat on the countertop directly across from me, and I marveled at how attractive he is.
A smile crept onto his lips. "What do you mean?"
"Like, what do we do now? Your mission has been accomplished: I'm yours. How do we just start...being a couple?"
"I don't know. We just do it," he said with a shrug. "You act like you haven't already been making out with me for months now."
I blushed. "It's different, and you know it."
"Is it?" he asked, that cheeky grin on his face. He hopped off the counter and wrapped his arms around my waist, while I pretended I was unaffected by him. I was very affected, truthfully. I think he knows it.
"I think it's pretty much exactly the same. You're just scared, Gem. You used to hold all the cards, but now I hold some, too," he said.
"That's not true," I replied. Maybe it is, though. I did used to hold all the cards, and now, the cards are split evenly. I don't think I'm really scared of that, though.
"Whatever you say, Gemma," he said. "All I know is that I'm really happy that I don't have to pretend I don't feel anything for you anymore."
"Well, you were doing a pretty shit job at pretending," I told him with a smile. "I knew you were into me the whole time."
"Oh, shut up," he said, and then he kissed me. I don't know why I was surprised by it, but I was. It was good, though. His hair was still wet, and his hands were cold, but his kiss felt warm. It made me feel warm inside, and I just wanted to feel it forever.
This is right. I know this is right.
"Hello? Earth to Gemma," Jesse said. I'm very good at zoning out and completely getting lost in my own thoughts. Jesse has to pull me out like, three times a day.
"Sorry," I said sheepishly. "What did you say?"
"When did you say you were leaving for Thanksgiving?" he asked.
"Um, I'm flying back Tuesday night," I replied. "When are you leaving?"
"Wednesday morning. I'm going to try to get there by noon."
My family obviously lives in Omaha, and Jesse's from Boston, which is not close to Omaha at all. So, because we just started dating a month ago, we are spending Thanksgiving with our own families, and probably Christmas, too, since it's just easier that way. I'm really not ready to bring another guy home. I know it's been a long time since Shawn, but I want to be more careful this time.
"I can't wait to see my family again," I said. "Thanksgiving is such a great holiday. No
pressure, just eating and togetherness. What more can you ask for in a holiday?"
Jesse chuckled. "I have to agree. It's such a chill holiday."
"Wait, let me see if I can remember all your brothers' names," I said. Jesse has four brothers—yes, four. I feel so awful for his parents.
"Go for it," he replied with an amused smile. "Can you say them in age order?"
An added challenge. I like it. "Of course," I said, feigning confidence. "Okay. First is Max, then Brooks, then you, then...fuck. Who's next?"
I racked my brain. It came to me.
"Hayes! Hayes is next. And last but not least, Ezra."
Jesse applauded me for a job well done. "Nice. Proud of you. I can do yours, too: Liam. Done."
I rolled my eyes. "Congrats."
All the Cooper brothers have cool names: Max, Brooks, Jesse, Hayes, and Ezra. I mean, how can you not be cool with a name like Ezra? Or any of the rest of them? You're set up for coolness with names like those. I'm intimidated just thinking about them.
Jesse has described his parents as "your classic Catholic parents—kind of strict, but mostly loving," which scares me a bit. Will they think I'm some sort of whore? He says that they will love me, but I should never mention the fact that he spends the night at my place or vice versa. He says that his family is really close, which I think is really great. I'm really close with my family, but I'd be even closer if I could.
"How old are your brothers?" I asked.
"Max is...probably twenty-six, maybe? Brooks is twenty-four, I'm twenty-two, Hayes is nineteen or eighteen, and Ezra is sixteen. I think," he explained. "I'm pretty sure that's right."
I nodded. "I can't even imagine meeting them. Are they all as jaw-droppingly handsome as you are?"
"Not even close," he replied. "Here. I'll show you a picture."
He pulled up a picture on his phone, then pointed out each brother. I definitely think he's the most attractive still, but they're all pretty good-looking. As a grown adult, I can't comment on the younger ones, but I'd be lying if I said Max and Brooks weren't hot. They are definitely hot.
"None of them even hold a candle," I told him. "On a completely separate note, are they single? The older ones, I mean."
He gave me an offended look, making me laugh. "For your information, they're not. They both have serious girlfriends."
"Do you like them? The girlfriends," I asked. I felt a little nervous about that part. I've never really had to deal with siblings' girlfriends. Even if his brothers like me, what if their girlfriends don't?
He shrugged. "They're alright, I guess. They're no you."
"Well, nobody is me. I'm what they call one-of-a-kind," I told him, demonstrating some false confidence.
He smiled and gave me a quick kiss. "That you are."
He took our empty plates back to the kitchen and then got back in bed with me. Another thing I love about Jesse—he's perfectly fine just laying in bed with me for as long as I want. And he doesn't even wake me up when it's noon and I should probably get up. He just lets me sleep. I appreciate that so much.
"What's on the agenda for the day?" he asked me.
"Whatever you want," I replied. "I need tonight to study, though. You should probably hit the books, too, Mr. Biochemistry."
"Don't worry about me. I'm a great biochemist," he said. I don't even know what it takes to be a biochemist, so I can't confirm or deny that statement.
"Isn't it crazy that we're almost done with all of this? In just a few months, we're going to be out of here. And starting our lives," he marveled.
That is crazy. I feel like school is all I know; I have never not been in school, and now, I'm supposed to just not go to school anymore. I've been going to school for the last eighteen-ish years. and now I'm supposed to just move on from it. I quite like school. I'm quite good at being in school. The real world isn't like school, and that scares me.
"I know. It's kind of sad," I said.
"It is kind of sad. I've had the best time ever here. Especially since you came around," he replied. I smiled to myself. Oh, to be loved and feel loved.
"Yeah. I feel the same way," I said. "I love New York. And I love it even more because you're here."
He kissed the top of my head. "Ditto."
After graduation, Jesse has an internship lined up with some place just a little outside of the city, so he's staying here. I still don't know what I'm going to do. My heart has been set on going back to Nebraska and living with Dad and Liam, but now with Jesse...I don't know, maybe going back home isn't the smartest plan. My life is here now. I could work with Isaac and still write. And I could visit home whenever I want to, since it's not like I have class to work around anymore. Maybe that's a better, more realistic approach. I don't know. No decisions have to be made anytime soon, anyway. Who even knows what could happen between Jesse and I in five months?
"How about...we chill here for a while. And later we can go on a walk and get an early dinner," I suggested. "Then we can part ways so I can focus on my studies without any distractions."
"Sounds like a plan," he replied, and I was glad to hear he was on board. I snuggled up closer to him, and he wrapped his arms around me, making me feel safe.
"Thank you," I said softly. "For everything."
"You're welcome, for everything," he replied. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
It feels weird to hear someone else say they love me. And it's even weirder to hear myself say it back. I really do love him, though. He's easy to love.
---
shawn >>>
I know it is so hypocritical of me to be upset that Gemma has a boyfriend when I've had a girlfriend for months, but I can't help it. I wanted to punch a wall when I found out, and I don't even know why. I've been over her for a long time now. I mean, I've pretty much been over her. This shouldn't bother me.
I just wonder if she would have called me. Since she's ready to date again or whatever. If I didn't have Paige and she didn't have Jesse, would it have been us again? Who knows.
I'm glad she's happy, though. If he makes her happy, that's good. And it's really great if she's doing better mentally. The toll that all of that takes on her is fucking insane, and it makes me realize that it was selfish of me to get mad at her for breaking up with me. She really was only trying to keep me from getting hurt. I just didn't want to be pushed away like that. I didn't want to lose her.
I hope Jesse understands all that stuff. I'm sure he does, if she's letting him in like this. I just...I would hate for her to be with someone who doesn't get it and takes out their frustration on her. I would hate for her to feel like a burden again. She doesn't deserve that.
I'm staying with Paige for all of next week, since it's Thanksgiving. She doesn't have class, and because neither of us are American, we have no plans, which means a long time for us to hang out. I'm really excited. I need to get my mind off of Gemma.
When do you stop thinking about someone? When does everything stop reminding me of her? It's been...nine months since I've even seen her, yet I feel like I see her ghost ten times a day. Nine months is a long time. Long enough to be over someone. And I am over her. She's just...still with me, I suppose. In a different way.
I know it probably seems odd to still be thinking about someone so much after nine months of being separated from them. But I feel like Gemma and I lost out on a lot of closure. I know I was still in love with her when we broke up, and I'd like to think she was still in love with me, too. I know we were struggling, but that didn't change how I felt about her. I just think it's harder to get over someone who never hurt you, and she never hurt me, and I never hurt her. She was only trying to protect me from her by breaking up with me. It's hard to just all of a sudden stop feeling things for her.
Sometimes, I read the poetry and notes she wrote me, which—I know—is totally pathetic. She wrote me a lot of stuff in the two years that I knew her. I could fill a whole day up with just reading her poetry. It makes me feel good inside. It's nice to remember how much someone loved you.
I like this one. I remember her sending this with me one time when I was going out of town. She shoved it in my bag and I didn't discover it until late that night in my hotel room. That was often her strategy.
every time you leave
my heart feels empty
it tries to jump out of my chest,
sneak into your suitcase,
and go with you to wherever you're going
but it can't
so it stays trapped behind my ribcage
aching for more of your love
wishing for one more kiss
longing for your return
and when you come back
it's content again
and when i rest my head on your chest
and hear the gentle beat of your heart
i wonder how much or if at all
yours ached for mine
Okay. Enough of that for today.
I heard my phone ring, and then sighed. Paige.
"Hey," I answered.
"Hi. You sound...sad. What's wrong?"
Just reading poetry from my ex-girlfriend. The usual.
"Not sad. Just...tired. Late night."
"Right," she replied. "You're leaving tomorrow morning, right?"
"Yep."
"I can't wait," she said eagerly. I smiled to myself. Sometimes I get so caught up thinking about Gemma that I forgot that what I have right now is really great, too. Maybe not as great, but there's a lot of time to make it as great. Greater. We've only been dating a few months.
"Same. A break will be nice," I said.
"Really nice," she said. "Anyway. I really didn't have anything to say. I just wanted to hear your voice. I'll let you get back to...being tired."
I chuckled. "Thanks, Paige. I'm sorry. I'll be more energetic later."
"No problem. I'll talk to you later, then," she said.
"I'll call you tonight," I told her.
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye."
I sighed and fell back onto my bed. I know I shouldn't turn Paige away just because I'm busy thinking of Gemma. I just...I don't know. It's hard not to think of Gemma when I'm alone and there's nothing keeping me from thinking about her, but at the same time, it's like I want to think about her. I want to sulk. Paige keeps me from sulking, and while I usually love that about her, there's a small window of time where I just want to be sad about it without any interruptions. And now is one of those times. But I really like Paige, and it's just not fair to her that I can't get Gem out of my mind. I really, really wish I could.
Fuck. I'm just now realizing that she's sleeping with that guy. He just gets to be that guy? I used to be that guy, and it took me months to become that guy, and I don't know if I'm ready to just let someone else be that guy. Does he even get it? Does he even understand her like I did? He must, because they're dating and are probably so in love. Or whatever.
Stop thinking about it. Think about Paige. You get to be that guy with her, and that's pretty awesome. Paige is incredible.
Paige is incredible. She's really kept me together these past however-many months, and I'm really thankful for her. She and I are really strong, and I genuinely see us being together for a long time. I'd like to be with her for a long time, and I think she feels the same. She's everything I could ask for. She's just like a constant ray of sunlight in my life. I think I love her.
Maybe tomorrow will be the day where I don't think about Gemma. Probably not, but I can dream.
---
two days later
gemma <<<
me
flight's delayed
jesse
poor thing.
me
i miss you :(
jesse
yeah same. this break is going to be rough without you
me
we'll talk every day though
jesse
duh. i'm definitely going to need some downtime from my family
jesse
hey maybe you can even "meet" my crazy brothers
me
i'd love to! and you can "meet" my crazy brother
me
aw what if our crazy brothers become best friends????? that'd be so cute
jesse
that'd be totally cute gem. we can work on that. liam and ezra are almost the same age
me
perfect.
me
anyway. i miss you. i hate when my flight gets delayed. i hate airports. you are hot and i want to be making out with you instead :(
jesse
i know gem. you're going to be okay. we can make out when you get back.
me
okay.
me
i'll talk to you later then
jesse
okay. text me when you land. i'll be thinking of you :))
me
i will. maybe if i get home early enough we can facetime before you go to bed
jesse
just call me when you can. i'll stay up.
me
you have to get up early though
jesse
i don't care. i still have to pack and stuff so i'm not going to bed anytime early
me
okay then. i'll call you when i can.
me
i love you jesse cooper
jesse
love you too gemma <3
My one goal for the plane ride is to write a poem about Jesse. For Jesse. He knows I write poetry, and I'm pretty sure he knows I used to write it all the time for Shawn, and he's probably offended that I haven't given him anything yet. It just...doesn't come that easily to me anymore. But if I just try, I'm sure I can get something good enough to give him. It's only fair. Besides, I love writing poetry, and I'd love to have some new inspiration to write about.
Finally, it was time to board. I don't mind flying alone. I'm not a huge fan of flying in general; it makes my anxiety go through the roof and all I think about the entire time is crashing and dying. When I used to fly with Shawn, he made me feel better because he was him and he'd just let me lean against him and rest and I didn't feel scared anymore. But it really isn't that bad. I need to get over it one day. My doctor says that the meds could possible help, and I'm praying for that.
I hate how long flying takes, though. I really wish teleportation was a thing.
Once I was settled into my seat next to an old man, I put in headphones and pulled out my notebook. One thing I do like is that it's a sunset flight, which is the best.
After all the emergency procedure instructions and initial stuff that takes forever, we were finally in the air. The takeoff makes me feel like crying, for some reason, but I get through it.
I put pen to paper on my Jesse poem.
i couldn't ask for anything better
you are a dream come true
whenever the world knocks me over
you pick me up, good as new
i'll never deserve what you give me
i'll never be what you should have
yet you so confidently want me
and i really want you back
i'm just so glad that you found me
in that coffee shop we both like
my life would pretty much mean nothing
if you weren't mine
Hey, maybe I do still have it.
---
the next morning
shawn >>>
"You okay?"
Paige appeared in the doorway. I was still laying in her bed, even though I woke up with her an hour ago. She got up a while ago, but I stayed. I've felt kinda weird lately, and she's catching on.
I sat up, and she sat next to me. She had a bowl of strawberries in her hand. She offered the bowl to me and I took one.
"Fine. I just had a long week," I replied after I finished chewing. "I'm sorry I'm not more energetic or whatever. I just need a day or two to regroup and get my head together. Then we can go out and do things and all that."
She nodded. "I don't mind. I like just hanging out with you. Over the past few months, I've realized how happy I am just doing nothing with you."
I smiled, taking another strawberry from the bowl. "That's sweet."
She shrugged, taking a bite of her strawberry. "It's just how I feel."
We sat there for a couple minutes, just eating strawberries. It was nice.
"I think I want to cook dinner tonight. Something like, fancy," she said.
"Sounds like a great idea," I replied. I don't mind people cooking for me, and she's a great cook, so I'm never disappointed.
"I need to go to the store, though. Can you handle the store?" she asked, looking over at me. "Or I could go alone."
"Yeah, I can handle the store."
"Great. It's a date, then," she said happily. "We can get lunch, too."
She's so cute.
"Sounds great. It's a date," I said, smiling. That can't be too bad. Besides, I can't just lay in bed all week. I have to get out and see the world and give Paige what she deserves out of a visit. I can't be all unmotivated just because I'm exhausted and still a little bit of upset about Gemma and Jesse. I have to be a good, quality boyfriend.
"The strawberries in France are amazing," she said, picking up a strawberry from the bowl. "They're called Gariguette. They are the best strawberries you will ever eat."
I chuckled. "Really?"
"Really," she said. "I'm not even messing with you. Look it up."
"I believe you," I replied. "How much more amazing can a strawberry be, though?"
She seemed offended. "You'll know once you try them."
"I guess I'll have to try them, then."
"You do. I'll take you," she offered. "It's beautiful there. You'd love it."
"Yeah?"
She nodded. "Yeah."
We finished the strawberries and discussed what else we would have to do on our first trip to France together. She goes back to France pretty often, since it's where most of her family lives. I think that'd be a fun trip to take with her, but I'd be nervous around so much of her family. Especially if they all only speak French. That's intimidating.
"Okay. I'll get ready and then we can go," I told her. I still look like last night's mess, since it's eleven and I'm still laying in bed.
"You mean you're actually going to get out of bed?" she asked surprisedly. "I won't believe it until I see it."
"Oh, shut up," I said. She was grinning.
I looked at her, and after a moment, she looked at me, too. She put her hands over her face.
"Stop looking at me," she said, as if she was embarrassed.
"No way," I replied, and she dropped her hands.
I took the moment to kiss her, and she quickly became her usual un-shy self and kissed me back.
"I'm so happy you're here," she said, smiling at me. I could stay here like this forever.
"Me too," I said with a smile, brushing her hair back. Her eyes are so stunning. "I just want to be wherever you are."
"Ditto," she said, her voice almost a whisper.
I looked at her and thought about kissing her again, but I just got lost in her eyes for a second.
"I love you, Paige," I said, like it was nothing. And immediately after I said it, I realized that I had never told her that before. I just told her I loved her for the first time and I didn't even mean to. How do you just forget?
Not that I don't mean it. I mean it. I do love her. That's why I said it. I just didn't...mean to. Maybe it could have been more special.
She obviously noticed, because she went blank in the face for a moment. I felt my stomach drop. What if she doesn't say it?
"You love me?" she asked. Does she not believe me?
I nodded, trying to be appear confident, as if it wasn't all technically an accident. "Yeah. Of course I do."
But then she broke out into a big grin and she kissed me again, both of her hands holding my face. Look. It worked out.
"I love you, too," she said softly, her face still close to mine. I smiled, feeling quite happy with how that moment turned out.
I kissed her again, and we kissed for a while, both just content with that. It seems like I'm never getting out of bed, and I'm fine with that.
"Why would you ever love me?" she asked, laying her head on my chest.
"What do you mean?" I replied.
"Like, why do you love me? What's there to love? I'm so...unspectacular," she said.
"It doesn't matter how spectacular you are, Paige, even though I obviously think you are very spectacular. I love who you are," I said. "Are you telling me you only love me because of how spectacular I am?"
"No, no. Not at all," she said. "I guess...yeah, you're right. I don't love you because you're handsome and talented. They're just like added bonuses."
"Exactly," I replied. "You are spectacular, though. You know you are."
"Maybe a little," she said. I couldn't see her face but I could tell she was smiling.
"A lot," I corrected her.
She sat up and looked at me, a smile on her lips. "I love you," she said, and it made me feel...weird. Saying "I love you" is kind of big. Well, not kind of. It's huge. It's like giving someone the final piece of you. It's like, the last thing left on the Checklist of Falling In Love. The only thing left besides that is for her to meet my family, but the circumstances are a little different in our situation.
When Gemma broke up with me, I stupidly thought that I'd never tell anyone else that I loved them. I thought she was the only
one I could possibly love. And now, only nine months later, I'm looking at a girl who I do actually love. I was naive and stupid.
"I love you, too," I replied. She kissed me once more. "I'm actually going to get out of bed now."
"Whatever you say," she said, getting up and out of bed. I followed her, then stretched my arms over my head. I honestly could go back to bed.
"You're sure we can't just stay in bed all day?" I asked, knowing she'd never say yes.
"No! I need to go to the store and get supplies for our wonderful, romantic dinner," she replied.
"It's a romantic dinner now?"
"Of course it is," she said. "Someone has to be the romantic one in this relationship."
I pretended to be offended. "I am very romantic," I said defensively.
She just shrugged, which offended me. Maybe the fact that I told her I loved her before I had even gotten out of bed for the day is bringing me down. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, though.
"Remember our first real date? The one I took you on? That was romantic as hell," I told her, trying to plead my case.
She just shrugged again.
"A shrug?" I asked, even more offended. "I don't know what kind of guys you've been with, then. Where did they take you on your first date? The Eiffel fucking Tower?"
She started laughing. "I'm only kidding, Shawn. Obviously you're romantic," she said while she laughed.
"Haha, very funny," I said sarcastically as she kept laughing. "I'm getting in the shower."
"I'll miss you!" she called after me as I walked away. I smiled to myself.
---
a couple days later
gemma <<<
"You have a what?"
As my dad drove us to Aunt Kate's for Thanksgiving, Liam dropped the bomb that he apparently has a girlfriend. A girlfriend.
"Oh come on, Gemma," my dad said. "I'm sure you had a boyfriend by the time you were his age."
"Um, no. I did not," I replied. Only because no one wanted to be my boyfriend. Besides the point.
"Well, I think he's old enough," Dad said.
"I am old enough," Liam insisted from the backseat. "I'm almost old enough to drive a car, for God's sake."
"Don't remind me," I said, putting my face in my hands. "Can you just stop growing up? I think we need to take a few steps back to age twelve and then stay there for a while."
"And you're one to talk about growing up too fast?" Liam said. "You moved out when you were like, seventeen!"
"I was more mature than you," I argued, even though he had a good point. The circumstances were different, though.
"Okay, stop bickering. Liam is allowed to have a girlfriend whether you like it or not, Gemma," my dad said. I crossed my arms and frowned. What if she hurts him?
"Whatever," I said.
"Why don't you tell everyone about your new boyfriend, Gemma?" Liam said from the backseat, a smirk on his lips. I rolled my eyes.
"Shut up, Liam," I said, turning around and giving him a death glare.
"You have a boyfriend?" Dad asked, looking at me.
"Yes," Liam said. Liam keeps up with me on Instagram, and my dad obviously doesn't. He isn't very tech savvy. And I haven't really talked about Jesse to them. At all, actually.
"We just started dating. He's just a friend from school," I said, feeling anxious. There's nothing to be anxious about, I know, but I still am.
"Well, tell us about him," Dad said. Internally, I groaned. I know my dad's just trying to be caring, but I don't like to be quizzed.
"Okay. His name's Jesse, and I met him last year when I started school in New York. He's going to be a biochemist," I said.
"Finally, someone smart enough to keep up with you," Dad said, making me roll my eyes.
"It's not like that," I replied. It isn't. I couldn't care less how "smart" someone is, and how do you even really measure intelligence? Test scores? I don't really believe in that.
"Where's he from?" Dad asked.
"Boston. Well, a little outside of Boston," I replied.
"Ew. So he likes the Red Sox? And the Patriots?" Liam asked.
"Yeah. So what?"
"Gemma, break up with him," Liam said.
"Liam, shut up," I said. Boys.
"When do we get to meet him?" Dad asked.
Truthfully, I'd like to put off their meeting for as long as possible. I don't want to bring another guy into their lives, claiming that I think he's the one, just to have it fall apart. I know you can't hide your boyfriend from your family, but I sorta wish I could.
I shrugged. "I don't know. Eventually."
"Are you embarrassed by us?" Dad asked.
"No," I objected quickly. That could never be true. "Of course not. I brought world famous superstars home to you, Dad. I really wouldn't be worried about a biochemist from Boston."
"That's true," he said. "Just want to make sure. It'd be okay if you're embarrassed by us. We're a little embarrassing."
"Speak for yourself, Dad," Liam said. I smiled.
I'm not embarrassed by them. I think they're cool. And they're my family; if someone I was with didn't like them for some reason, I don't think I'd continue dating them.
We made it to Aunt Kate's after finally exhausting the love life talk. I'm excited to tell her about the upward turn I'm taking. Last time I was here, I was still pretty down in the dumps about the breakup, and felt pretty helpless mentally. Now, I'm with Jesse and thinking about Shawn less and less, and I feel like I'm doing a lot better mentally. Dr. Kelley thinks so, too. I should have started going to therapy a long time ago, I have realized.
"Well hello!" Aunt Kate said as she swung the door open. I was instantly hit with the smell of delicious home-cooking. "Charlie, how did you get such beautiful kids?"
"That was all Sarah," he said. My mom's name was Sarah.
"Yeah, you're right," Aunt Kate replied. Then she looked at me. "This one here is practically her twin."
"You're telling me," Dad said. Aunt Kate smiled at me before letting us inside. The kitchen and living room were full with people; this year were having our extended family too, which is stressful, since it makes the group a lot bigger. I'm glad that I'm solo. This would be quite overwhelming for a boyfriend.
That reminded me of Jesse.
me
hey
jesse
hey there
me
how's your day going?
jesse
great. i'm excited for dinner!! we're getting ready to eat.
me
i'm jealous of you and your east coast time zone. i have to wait :(
jesse
aw, poor gem.
jesse
i've talked about you a lot today already. it's fun telling people your girlfriend wrote a book. and that she's going to the school you're going to on a full scholarship. and that she's totally hot.
me
i'm embarrassed from afar...you don't need to talk about me. i don't want them to think i'm a tryhard or something
jesse
my parents love it. they think i should be more of a tryhard. and they love that i'm dating someone smarter than me.
jesse
my brothers say you're too pretty to be so smart, and i say "that's what i've been saying!"
I blushed.
me
i'm not that smart, jess. you are head and shoulders smarter than me
me
seriously. as flattered as i am, please don't portray me as some genius. i'm so far from that
me
you're the actual genius here
jesse
gemma clark. always so humble
me
just being realistic.
me
anyway...my brother told me to break up with after finding out you're from boston. he's not a big fan of the red sox or the patriots
me
so sorry. guess this is the end. we had a good run.
jesse
he's just jealous that we have two of the best teams in their respective leagues in one city. i'd be jealous too
me
i don't really care personally. just had to let you know that we're done.
me
i thought i'd do it via text.
jesse
that's how my last gf broke up with me. via text.
me
the fucking girl who broke up with you the day before your birthday? who was with the british guy?
jesse
yes. molly.
me
i've said it once and i'll say it again: fuck molly.
me
she's such a bitch and if i ever encounter her, i will not hesitate to say something rude
jesse
aw that's so sweet <3 thank you for defending my honor
me
anytime <3
me
okay i'll let you eat your dinner. i hope it's awesome. i'll call you when i get home tonight?
jesse
yes please
jesse
love you & im thankful for you
me
love you & im thankful for you too
The thought of Jesse talking to his family about me was very stressful, and now, I'm going to be stressed for the rest of the day. I just can't help but worry about stuff like that.
Do they really think I'm as awesome as he says? Do his brothers actually think I'm pretty? I hope all these things are true, but maybe he's just saying that to make me feel better. Or maybe they are.
Either way—it doesn't change how I feel about Jess. And I feel a lot of good things about Jess. I'm honestly very, very, very thankful for him.
---
a couple days later
shawn >>>
"I didn't know you were coming out here," I said to Connor.
He shrugged. "It was sorta last minute. I just figured it makes sense to see her while we both had a few days off."
Connor surprised his girlfriend, Eve, who is Paige's best friend, today by driving all the way down to Vegas to see her. I didn't even know about this plan, but I'm pretty glad to see him. It's fun when all four of us can hang out.
One of Paige and Eve's friends was having a party tonight, so Connor and I figured we could tag along for their sake. Even though our girlfriends are best friends, we still don't see each other too much. It feels like whenever I'm in Vegas visiting Paige, Eve is in LA visiting Connor, and vice versa. It's like our schedules just don't work out as much as we all had hoped. We do get to hang out sometimes, though. We've had many double dates.
"How are things with you two? Still smooth sailing?" I asked him. Connor's never really had a girlfriend; he's never wanted to be anyone's boyfriend. He just sort of did what he wanted to do, but ever since Eve came into the picture, he's been the doting boyfriend that he never said he'd be. He's being what he made fun of me and Brad for being.
He nodded. "Yeah. Things are really good. I just wish one of us didn't have to drive five hours every time we wanted to see each other."
"Yeah, I know. That really sucks," I agreed. "It's worth it, though. I don't mind as much as I thought I would."
He smiled as he looked at me. "What about you, huh? You two are like...perfect. And you owe it all to me."
"Yeah, I guess I do," I said, smiling. "I told her I loved her a couple days ago, actually."
"Shut up!" Connor said, looking at me incredulously. "Jeez, dude. You really like her then."
"Of course I really like her. She's amazing," I replied. "We're in a really good place. I honestly didn't think I'd be this happy with someone again."
Connor put his hand on my shoulder. "Look at you, man. I knew you could do it."
I shrugged. "It" means getting over Gemma and finding someone new, and I guess I've successfully done that. It took me a lot less time than I thought it would, actually. I thought I'd be like, thirty and still thinking about her and what could've been. Let's pray that doesn't happen.
"Can't sit around and mope about a girl for the rest of my life," I said. "I would have missed out if I did."
"Exactly," he replied.
"Hey losers."
Paige and Eve approached us, each smiling a big smile. Paige took her free hand in mine and tried to pull me to her, but I resisted.
"Fine. I'll stand in the loser corner with you," she said as Connor and Eve walked off.
"They are so disgusting," Paige said as we watched them walk away, hand in hand.
I laughed. "I know."
She looked at me thoughtfully. "I'm sorry. I know you probably don't want to spend your free time at a party."
"Paige," I said. "I just want to spend my free time with you, wherever it is. We can't just stay home all the time anyway."
She smiled weakly. "Okay. Well, we can leave whenever. I really don't even need to stay any longer."
"Whenever you want," I said with a shrug. "They're your friends."
She gave me the look she gives me when I'm being difficult, but I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm trying to be so easy-going.
"We can just leave and not say anything to anyone," she said in a hushed voice, as if anyone else was even listening to us.
"You want to?" I asked. That's what I want, but I'm not going to say it until she does.
She smiled and shrugged. "Yeah, why not? I think we've been here long enough. I'd like some alone time at last."
I smiled, too, very happy that she was down for leaving. It's nearly one in the morning and I just don't feel like being out anymore. Sometimes you just hit a wall.
We walked out without anyone saying anything, which was a relief, since it feels like everyone has something to say to us at all times. But we made it out with no stops. Then we walked until we reached Paige's car, which I got into the passenger's side of. She was quick to turn the key and buckle up.
"The worst part of going to a party or any event is the end," she said. "Because you have to say goodbye to everyone, and saying goodbye is the longest thing ever because no one ever stops talking. And by that time, you just want to get home."
I know exactly what she means. "I couldn't agree more."
"So why not just skip it?" she said, looking over at me with a smile.
"I think it was a really great idea on your part," I told her. "Brownie points with me, for sure."
She chuckled. "Glad to hear it."
We didn't speak for a moment, and all that could be heard was the faint sound of the radio and the sound of the car on the road. It felt peaceful, but Vegas isn't the most peaceful place. There's some sort of neon like, every hundred feet at least.
"It was really sweet of Connor to surprise Eve, wasn't it?" Paige said.
"Yeah, it was," I replied. "Sorry I'm not more like him."
She playfully punched me. "Shut up. I was just saying that it's nice for Eve."
I smiled to myself. "I know. It is nice. He's really changed as a person since they've been together."
"But in a good way," she said.
"Yeah. In a really good way," I replied. "It's just funny, because he used to make fun of Brad and I for being "whipped" when...when we were with people, and now look at him. He's driving five hours to surprise a girl. That's whipped if I've ever seen it."
She chuckled. "You really don't know what it's like to be in love until you're in it. It changes everything, as corny as that sounds."
"No, you're right. Your priorities just shift," I said. "It's like you have a whole new reason for being alive."
She looked over at me and smiled. "Yeah. Pretty much."
It feels so odd to say I'm in love again. After Gemma, I really didn't think I was capable of falling in love with someone else, but I guess I proved myself wrong, because I am in love with Paige. I told her I loved her, for crying out loud. And I'm really happy with her. What more can I ask for?
I really hope Gemma's happy. I really hope Jesse makes her happy. What kind of person would I be to root for their falling out? Especially when I'm with someone else. I just hope he's everything she could ask for. I hope that he understands who she is. All she really wants is to be understood and loved for who she is, and if he can give her that, then I hope everything works out for them.
I'd be selfish not to.
---
hi everyone! sorry this took a little longer; i just couldn't get inspired. plus, i feel so unmotivated in every facet of life in quarantine. i just want it to be over. but only when it's safe.
i hope you liked this chapter!! i lowkey hated it, but it's alright. hopefully the next one will be better! thank you for reading it!!!
➡️ what are you guys listening to?
i LOVE the 1975's new song "if you're too shy (let me know)!!" it is a total bop. please listen to it.
thanks again for reading! stay tuned for more!!! <3
xx-maggie