"The Empress is pregnant?" I asked again for confirmation.
"Yes," Pink nodded. "She'll announce it tomorrow morning."
I stared off into the distance solemnly. "Well, that's good news. She'll get off my back."
"Madame Ying Yue," Feng Xi called. "Her Majesty wants to see you."
Hua Er and I immediately looked at each other. I slowly, hesitantly got up from my seat and walked down towards Blue and Pink. They both stood up and bowed as I headed to the exit. Before I left, Hua Er called out to me.
"Ying Yue," she pleaded. "Please... For your safety... It is no coincidence that I've talked to you about this today. The gods are watching and they believe in you!"
The desperation in her eyes and her tightly pursed lips convinced me. I nodded my head silently and proceeded to follow Feng Xi. Fen Ai leaned her lips close to Guan Shu's ear, cupping the side of her face that was exposed to the other maids. Guan Shu nodded as Fen Ai hurriedly stood behind me, replacing Guan Shu's position.
Walking to the Empress's palace was not fun. I haven't had a conversation with the Empress, face to face, for a while now and it was starting to make me feel nervous. If I had the chance to yank a piece of hair from her and run to the Emperor and force him to spit in a bottle, I think I would. This would be a chance to steal a piece of her hair and leave.
I shook my childish thoughts away when we reached her estate. The Empress sat on her throne patiently waiting, she leaned her weight to the right, resting her elbow on the arm of the throne. I paused in front of her and kneeled.
"Happiness and peace to the Empress." I bowed in a monotone voice.
"Get up," the Empress said, she brushed off the maids around her. She looked at my maids. "All of you are dismissed."
While I stood up, I searched for a chair nearby. I made myself comfortable, but I still felt the strong tension between us. We eyed each other like we were going to pounce at each other in less than a minute. They might as well have a boxing ring in her palace.
That would be a good idea.
The Empress presumptuously looked at me. "Congratulations on your title."
"Thank you for blessing me with the title, Your Majesty," I smiled at her, bowing with my head to show her that I wasn't threatening her. "Congratulations on your pregnancy."
"News spread fast, don't they?" the Empress smiled back. "I want to talk to you about why you have this title... You're pregnant as well, aren't you? You laid with the Emperor and you are hiding it from—"
"Don't be ridiculous, Your Majesty," I laughed, sweetly with menace in my tone. "If I was carrying, I think you would be the first person to know!"
I couldn't process the conversation I was having with her. It felt like a high-school comedy where the two best friends are secretly fake to each other. Besides, it was only us in the room, the Empress might as well cuss me out here. Nobody would know. I knew she was dying to.
The Empress chuckled as she shook her head. "You're right, I am delusional for thinking that you laid with His Majesty. Besides, I will be giving birth to a remarkable heir."
"I cannot wait, Empress," I replied, as my eyes followed the Empress walking down to the table beside me.
She picked up a cup and gently pressed the rim against my lips. "Drink it."
"What is this?" I asked, taking the cup from her hands.
"You will drink it, and get rid of the baby." the Empress demanded, but the mellow expression on her face contradicted her voice.
I shook my head, even letting out a real, belittling laugh. "Empress, I already told you that I am not carrying a child! Out of everyone, you would know that I've never laid with His Majesty."
"Then how come he gave you this title?" the Empress shouted.
Her eyes narrowed, looking straight into mine. She stood above me, looking down at me like I was nothing to her. I remained calm and collected. Only for Hua Er. Just for Hua Er, I will not slap this woman. Just for Hua Er, I will be kind.
"You are nothing!" the Empress spat.
"Your Majesty, I know that you are going through a lot. I pity your position," I said, standing up to be face to face with her.
The Empress shook her head in dismay.
"The whole harem is against you, Empress. You have to keep your position, and you work hard to keep that position. Isn't that why you killed Imperial Noble Consort Yang? Isn't that why you plotted against me the first time I moved in?"
"Ying Yue, I'll watch what you say if I were you..."
"No, Your Majesty, this is not a threat. I've never threatened you in my life. If I wanted to usurp your throne, I would have let you die," I continued. "I saved your life during that assassination. I understand that you have to share your lover with different girls that may hate you. I understand that what you do is to survive in this place—to survive and remain as the empress."
"But Empress," I chuckled. "I will not, ever, try to take your position. I respect your decisions, and I respect the fact that you haven't executed me for this but, you must realise, that I am not out to get you. If you don't feel compelled to sabotage me, I will not feel compelled to sabotage you."
I waited for the Empress to react, but she only exhaled sharply from her nose. Her shoulders relaxed. Her pursed lips relaxed. And her eyes softened at my last sentence. The Empress adjusted her hairpiece slightly. She brushed her finger across her eyebrows. "Ying Yue, I've misunderstood you."
"I've never misunderstood you, Your Majesty. I understand your distress. I understand the envy," I said, almost pleading the words to her. "So please, we are on the same side here. But, I do want to say. I am not your accomplice to any schemes. I am not going to be your—"
"I get it," the Empress interrupted sharply, she took the cup from me and placed it harshly on the table. She jutted her chin and glared at me. "You may leave."
But I didn't want to leave yet. I wanted to know for sure that she won't try and harm me again. I continued to look at her, not breaking any eye contact nor blinking. She didn't scare me. She should scare me, but I was heated into breaking her. I was so heated into psychologically analyzing her, that I wanted to take apart the components of her mind like a machine, and see how it worked.
We kept looking at each other, filled with different emotions. She was irritated, and I was interested.
"Empress—" I began.
"Ying Yue, I am not going to harm you anymore," the Empress gritted her teeth. "I will repeat myself: you may leave."
"I shall take my leave then, Your Majesty." I bowed.
Before I got anywhere, the Empress called my name. I turned around.
"I hope you keep that a secret between us," the Empress regained her power. "Chen Xi murdered Dong Mei. Chen Xi murdered Li Mei."
"Yes, Empress," I replied with sass.
I spent an hour to myself, angrily dwelling on the Empress's behaviour. The aggressive needle stabs and thread-pulling made Hua Er worry as she looked over my shoulder. "Ying Yue, are you okay? You're still mad?"
"Yes, I am still mad! I confronted her and tried to calm her down," I scoffed. "Her Majesty does not deserve her title. Benevolence is not one of her character traits!"
"Sewing should be a calming activity, but you're so worked up," Hua Er shook her head.
The embroidery of a red dragon breathing out fire out of his nostrils was beautiful to me. It was enough for me to continue pushing the needle in, and pulling the needle through in such frustration, that I didn't notice how intense I was. This artwork helped me unleash my anger, but this was not enough. The Empress was on the edge of making me lose it.
I don't know what I would do if she angered me enough to tip me off the edge, but I'd like to see her try.
"Son of a b—" I muttered under my breath as I felt the needle slightly pierce my index finger. The blood oozed out quickly. I popped my index finger in my mouth and sucked the blood out.
"What did I say?" Hua Er tsked as she handed me a small cloth.
"His Majesty has arrived!" I heard a loud male voice outside of the palace.
There he was. The Emperor walked in with one of his trusted eunuchs with a thoughtful look. He was well kept with his hair bounded up with a gold headpiece to secure it. The red and black mianfu flowed freely as he moved. The Emperor screamed power.
I put the angry dragon down on the table in front of me and walked down to greet him. As I smiled at him, I wiped the blood on my hanfu. I bowed gently. "Greetings to Your Majesty."
"It's been so long," the Emperor whispered, putting his hand to my face. The eunuch left abruptly, and so did Hua Er. "I've missed you."
It wouldn't be so long if you weren't a gullible prick.
"How did you know I was ready to see you? You know I get quite nervous when you come uninvited." I replied, walking to the dining area to pull him a chair.
He sat down and studied me. "I didn't mean to startle you, Ying Yue."
I looked at him, still smiling at his demeanour. His elbow was on the table with his chin resting on his fist. The Emperor looked more inviting and friendly than he did the last time we spoke. I wondered why he wanted to see me, as the Empress was carrying his next heir.
Maybe.
"Her Majesty is pregnant," I initiated. "I don't mean to come off disrespectful, Your Majesty. I enjoy your company—I do, but, why are you seeing me now?"
The Emperor took a while to speak. I can feel his eyes boring into mine as I settled down next to him. My body was turned towards him. Although I wanted to keep up the attitude with him and keep up my hatred for him, I couldn't. It was hard to resist the Emperor. His facial expression was soft, friendly, and even his eyes twinkled as he looked at me. He ranked me up even though I didn't bear him a child.
I had him wrapped around my finger now.
Maybe he was pitying me. He's never come to the Cold Palace to see how I was, did he? Or maybe he wasn't allowed to? Whatever. He still hurt me and I don't think I'll ever forgive him for it.
But the way this man looked at me, made it seem like everything will be alright.
"I always do spontaneous visits, but if you mind—" the Emperor began.
"I was just teasing you, Your Majesty," I reassured him with a grin.
"Oh, I know. I don't want to bother you. I know that you might have something against me because I sent you off to the Cold Palace," the Emperor shook his head in disappointment. "But you know, Ying Yue, that I do love you."
I rested the palm of my hand on top of his while I slightly leaned towards him.
"Don't blame yourself, Your Majesty. I understand that it's a tough decision. But, at least I am out and at least I still have your love," I paused, looking at our hands intertwining to avoid his eyes. "Thank you for the title, I'll try my best to help the Empress manage the harem."
"Ying Yue, your maid's son was quiet and polite," the Emperor settled his eyes into the midst of nothingness. I started to feel uneasy. "The palace has so many tragic losses, and it's hard to cope with it. I've been the Emperor long enough to overcome such situations and to grow a thicker skin, but death will always pain me the most."
"Your Majesty, did you visit me to make me feel sad?" I frowned playfully.
The Emperor snapped out of it and chuckled, grinning at me as he clasped his hand in his. "No, never! I feel obligated to tell you how I feel... I don't know what I'd do if you were still in the Cold Palace and Wei Cheng's assassination attempt turned out successful."
"Oh, Your Majesty, don't think about those things!" I gushed, getting up to sit closer to him.
"You are right. It's bad for my health," he spoke softer. "How did you know it was Wei Cheng who did it?"
I nervously laughed into his shoulder. "Well, he was the first person to speak up when I caught the maid. I thought it was suspicious for him to call me out and then deny drinking the wine."
"Yes, I was thinking that too. You are always excellent when it comes to details." the Emperor looked at me in admiration.
Is he on to me or am I paranoid? I shouldn't be.
"That is me, Han Ying Yue." I grinned, still trying to play it cool. Slowly, I pulled myself apart from his body still looking into his eyes.
Sure, it looked suspicious, and it made me look suspicious, but I'd do it to cover for the concubine. Either way, it's the least I could do. My role is to keep the harem manageable and well-kept. I didn't know how hard it would be, though.
Before the Emperor could speak another word, a loud burst into our company was enough for us to stand up to see what the commotion was. I quickly fixed my slanted headpiece from leaning on the Emperor's shoulder.
We both turned to face my maids, all kowtowing.
"Greetings to Your Majesty," they chanted. "Greetings to Madame Ying Yue."
"You may get up." the Emperor furrowed his eyebrows.
Something about them was missing. I tried to point out something, but I chose not to say anything alarming while the Emperor was beside me. When they rose, I continued to scan them. "What's wrong?"
Fen Ai was the first to speak up, her words trembling while trying to get a sentence out. I prepared for the worst but what she said nearly killed me.
"Guan Shu committed suicide." she managed to get the words out of her mouth. Fen Ai's eyes were staring down, avoiding my cold stare.
My heart hammered against my chest as I gathered enough power to tuck in my chair and rush towards my maids, leaving the Emperor to process what he just heard. I ignored the increase in my breaths. "Are you joking?"
Pink spoke up immediately after, "No, Your Grace, she's—"
"Prepare my sedan," I demanded, ignoring the Emperor's gaze. "We'll go to her quarters right now."
"Your Grace—" Fen Ai looked at me with so much worry. She gripped my arm but I shrugged her off aggressively.
"Follow my orders, now!" I was about to lose my patience right then and there.
Guan Shu couldn't have committed suicide. There was no way. I don't care if the Emperor saw me in such a distasteful manner. I could give a rat's ass about it. Rong Er was dead, yes, but Guan Shu loved me, she loved spending time with me and the little circle we had. There was no way she could have the desire to kill herself.
Through the ride there, I continued to doubt her suicide. Guan Shu was never the type to, ever! Even though suicide would have been an option, Guan Shu wouldn't have chosen it. I knew her. I knew how she rationalized her thoughts. She would have never considered suicide. But losing your one family member—your blood, a part of me believes that she did have the desire to die.
I was about to weep, but I chose not to until I saw her body coldly laying in bed. I've already lost one maid, I don't want to lose another one.
But Guan Shu was different. She tended to my every need, she loved me and treated me like I was her daughter or her niece. Although she was grieving, she still served me with love and care from the bottom of her heart.
We arrived at the servants' quarters and I rushed to find Guan Shu's chamber. Hua Er was notified soon after and was running towards me at full speed, stopping to look at the bed. Tears began to build up, instantly after. My lips began to quiver at the sight; I nearly fainted. I handled death before but I couldn't handle the sight of the death of a loved one.
Guan Shu's feet dangled above the ground, next to her bed. Around her neck was a silk scarf. I knew we couldn't save her because the pained expression on her face, indicated that it was too late. Her lips were purple and her skin was milky white. I blinked back the tears but I couldn't control them because my sudden outburst was loud enough for everyone to hear.
"Come here." the Emperor rubbed my back and took me into his arms. His body warmth and scent comforted me enough for me to continue to weep like a child. My blaring cries seemed to not disturb the Emperor because he continued to rub small circles with one of his hands while the other around my waist.
I can't help but wonder why she would do that to me. I can't help but wonder why she wouldn't just tell me how she felt every day, so I can try to tend to her needs. Maybe I was too busy with all of the other things, that I never noticed her true pain and grief. It was my fault she ended up how she ended up. All my fault.
If only I had asked her, comforted, took my time to help her out. It was all my fucking fault!
I cried, and cried, and cried. I didn't care to expose my vulnerability. I didn't care to hide my weakness. I didn't care. I just didn't care anymore. Guan Shu was gone and I was allowed to cry. I'm tired of playing tough. I'm tired.
Just this once. Just this once for me to shrivel up like a dying flower. Just this once for the Emperor to feel like he was in control when it came to me. He saw this new side of me. This emotional side was able to let loose for once. Now, everyone can see that I'm not a stone-cold consort that has no feelings for the Emperor.
The Emperor didn't mind my wet snot and tears against his silky attire, and I felt thankful for that. I sensed more people swarming around. The eunuchs and physicians were here already. I could hear them discussing things, but my excessive whining was so loud to me, that I didn't hear a single word from them.
Many maids are probably whispering to themselves on how strange it was for a high-ranking consort to be crying over one of her maids, but they don't know how I was. They would be dying to be my maid because of my caring nature... but they would never be Guan Shu. They would never ever have the same spirit as Guan Shu; the nurturing, loving Guan Shu that helped me get through the days, weeks, and months.
Something that pained me the most was that I haven't spoken to her on a deeper level. I wish I did. I wish she told me more about her—about everything that there was to her. I wish she told me about her husband, I wish she told me about the things she did when she was young. I wish she told me about the Palace when she was younger.
She was not only my maid or servant. She was my friend. Out of all the deceiving women here that only wanted power and control, Guan Shu was one of the only people to help me through the terrors.
Now she's gone, and will be replaced. Besides, after Chen Xi, I knew that everyone is replaceable. Heck, Dong Mei was replaceable!
Here I was, in the Emperor's arms, clinging onto him. My arms were around his upper torso, and I was hugging him tightly. As much as I didn't want comfort from the Emperor, I felt like I needed to be comforted right now.
He didn't mind, though. He still held onto me, even when I was almost hugging his guts out.
My two maids are gone. I haven't gotten over the loss of Chen Xi yet, but the gods didn't care. Whatever they worshipped here, they didn't care. They got rid of Guan Shu even though Chen Xi's body was still warm in her grave.
Hua Er grieved too. She laid next to me as I balled myself up in a fetal position, lying on my side. There were tears in her eyes, but not as much as mine. I don't get mad, though, because Guan Shu and I bonded more. Times like this made me wish Jaxon was there to comfort me, but the news probably hasn't gotten to him yet.
The hard truth is, nobody would care because Guan Shu was only a maid. But maids were of high importance as well. They served and they helped. Guan Shu went above and beyond with her services, and I didn't have the chance to thank her for that. I didn't have the chance to do many things, and I hated myself for that. I focused too much on harem affairs and problems that I forgot to truly spend time with others.
I never said anything throughout the ride back to my palace. Neither did Hua Er nor my maids. I respected that. I was too lost in my own thoughts, that I became unaware of my surroundings, and I didn't care. I needed this. I needed this time to truly reflect.
"Hua Er," I said softly, my guards were down and I was more vulnerable.
"Hm?" Hua Er shifted her body towards me.
Hua Er always had a soft voice. It would calm me down every time I felt stress building up. It sounded like smooth, flowing water gently coating my body.
It took me a while to say a word without wanting to burst into uncontrollable tears again. All of the repressed emotions inside of me was let out already. I didn't want to unplug the stopper for my despair to flow out again.
"Did you see it coming?" my voice cracked, and I ended up whispering.
"No, Ying Yue." Hua Er firmly replied, her eyes aimlessly staring at the ceiling. She looked as if she was thinking of something. Her thinking face is very similar to an average person's thinking face. No sudden movement, eyes with no motion, just staring off at something while your brain thinks.
I wanted to know what she was thinking about. But usually, if Hua Er wanted to tell you something, she would. Other than that, she doesn't want you to know what she's thinking about.
After getting up from my bed, I turned to look at Hua Er again. Still, she was thinking about something. It's like I wasn't there with her.
"What are you thinking about, Hua Er?" I gently cracked a small smile, not even knowing I was capable of smiling due to the circumstances.
Hua Er finally widened her eyes and blinked a few times. She turned to me and flashed me a sad grin. "Nothing."
My eyes narrowed in suspicion.
"Fine," Hua Er sighed as she lifted her upper torso up from the bed. She turned her face away from me and stared at her fidgeting hands. "I was just thinking... What if Guan Shu didn't commit suicide?"
"What do you mean?" I shifted forward and put my weight on the edge of the bed.
"It's just... maids don't get access to fine silk," Hua Er began.
"The Empress has arrived!"
Hua Er and I both looked at each other before rushing towards the entrance of the palace. My maids have been excused for the night, so it was just Hua Er and me.
"Happiness and peace to the Empress." we bowed.
The Empress, paying no attention to Hua Er, looked me in the eyes and frowned. Her expression was unreadable, but I knew she was going to grill me for something. I've had enough of her.
She finally turns to acknowledge Hua Er. "You may be dismissed."
"Yes, Your Majesty." Hua Er bowed before she entered the bedroom again.
I know she noticed my watery and red eyes because she continues to deeply look into them. She hasn't brought her cocky self tonight, yet she still gave me malicious energy. My maid has died and she came here to spite me.
Our past conversation revealed a truce, so I had no idea why she was standing tall in front of me as if I was still a low concubine. I waited for her to speak up, but she didn't.
"Your Majesty, what is it?" I sighed with annoyance. I didn't care if I gave her the slightest attitude.
"Sorry for your loss," the Empress smoothed the top of her headpiece. "It's quite upsetting to lose a dear maid to you. That is why I came here to tell you, that your maids are your weaknesses."
I cocked my eyebrow up. "Would you like to repeat that for me?"
"You should not be attached to any of your maids," the Empress walked slowly around the main hall. She eyed the decoration and my seat in a judgemental way before facing me again. "Because it makes you emotional... and vulnerable."
"Guan Shu wasn't just a maid to me. She was a friend," I uttered, staring at the Empress. "Unlike you, Your Majesty, I establish connections with people that serve me."
The Empress stifled a laugh. "That's why you were thrown out to the Cold Palace? Because your maids love you very much to betray you?"
I balled my hands.
"That wouldn't have happened if you didn't plot against me." I gritted my teeth.
"Me? I did no such thing," the Empress gasped. "I thought we established something? Chen Xi murdered Dong Mei. Chen Xi murdered Li Mei."
Tears were beginning to form. My eyes were probably so glossy, that it was starting to become more obvious. My throat started to burn. I felt like a pot almost done with boiling water. The Empress had no mercy, no sympathy, and she will always be a psychopathic bitch. If it wasn't for Hua Er's voice ringing in my head, telling me to play nice, I would've beaten this woman to a pulp.
"Yes, Empress, we did but you and I both know who did it," I raised my voice. "And it was only one of my maids who had betrayed and that was because she had no choice."
The Empress got up from the chair she was sitting on. Her eyes were dull, almost pitch black like she had no soul. "And I'll do it again if I have to."
"What does that mean?" I muttered as I angrily resisted the urge to yell.
She walked towards me in a slow, nonchalant manner without breaking eye contact with me. "Please repeat after me, to ensure that I will not plot against you."
We were a few centimeters away from each other. I was ablaze with fury but she was calm. The fact that she didn't react to anything, made me even angrier.
"Ying Yue, I'll need to add to that list of lies." the Empress spoke in a patronizing voice.
I took a sharp inhale.
Our bodies touched as her lips were next to my ear. I feel her smirking, without even looking at her face.
"Chen Xi murdered Dong Mei... Chen Xi murdered Li Mei," the Empress took a short pause. "And Guan Shu committed suicide."