chapter playlist ⏯
• high - 5sos
• everything i didn't say - 5sos
• ghost of you - 5sos
---
a couple weeks later
gemma <<<
"Can you sort these?"
Lily, Isaac's assistant, dropped a stack of manuscripts on my desk.
"Sure," I replied. I did not want to sort them, because that's not really what I'm here for, but seeing that Isaac is out right now and I don't want to be the cause of consternation, I agreed.
"Great," she said with a fake smile. "Alphabetically, by author's last name."
I know that.
But I just nodded, and she left. Working here with Isaac has been pretty good, honestly; he lets me read manuscripts, shows me the ins and outs of what his job is like, and we go out to lunch all the time. I think Lily is jealous, and that's why she hates me; maybe she was the one he used to take to lunch. I don't know. All I know is that I enjoy his company, and I enjoy books, and I like the gig I've got right now.
July has just begun, which means I've been doing this for roughly three weeks. It keeps me busy; between this and Jesse, I haven't had much time to dwell on Shawn. That doesn't mean I don't still think about him all the time and cry myself to sleep over the whole thing, but it's not as bad as it used to be.
Speaking of Jesse, I am so thankful that we are friends. Or, whatever we are. We make out sometimes, but that's it. Anyway—he just makes me feel so good. He's so kind and he makes me laugh all the time, and it's just like we found each other at the right time. We had always been friends, but because of my depressive episodes, I never saw my friends, and he and I never hung out alone. But we started hanging out a lot after the break-up, and I'm very grateful for it. Maybe he knows that being alone all the time would make it worse. Or maybe he's just trying to get in my pants. Either way, it's nice that he cares.
"Coffee Boy is here," Lily called out to me, as if she was annoyed by the whole thing. Coffee Boy is actually Jesse, because he brings me coffee all the time on his way to work, and that's just what Lily and Isaac have started to call him.
I looked up to see Jesse walk into the building, sunglasses on and two cups of coffee in his hands. He smiled upon seeing me, and my heart fluttered a bit. He sat down on the other side of my desk, which was situated in a private but somewhat awkward corner of the big room.
"Morning, Coffee Boy," I said to him, smiling as he handed me a cup.
"Morning, Office Girl," he replied, taking the sunglasses off to reveal those blue eyes.
"Thank you, as always," I told him, taking my first sip. I felt the energy start to course through my body already.
"You're welcome, as always," he said. "How's your day been so far?"
"Well, I've been here for an hour and I'm already ready to go home," I replied.
"Where's Isaac?"
I shrugged. "A meeting, I think. Should be back soon," I told him. "Sorry. I know how important those baseball talks are to you."
Isaac and Jesse strike up conversations sometimes when Jesse comes in here, because Jesse is annoyingly likable and outgoing. They most often talk about baseball, because Jesse loves the Red Sox, while Isaac loves the Yankees, so it's sort of this rivalry thing, I suppose? I don't really know.
"Maybe next time," he said. "Or I can wait for him. Will I distract you?"
"A little, but not that much," I replied, setting my cup down and getting back to work. "What are you doing tonight?"
"Um...nothing that I can think of. Ryan bailed on me. We were going to have a video game night," he said.
"You're way too cute to be such a nerd, did you know that?" I told him, making him laugh a little.
"Oh my God, you are the biggest nerd I know," he replied defensively. "But the hottest."
"Whatever," I said. "Maybe you could come over. I was going to order Chinese food and watch a rom-com, and it'd be a lot less depressing if I did it with someone else."
"I'd love to," he said, smiling. "As long as it's not Sixteen Candles. That movie is so, so dumb."
"Fair enough," I replied. "You can choose."
"Sounds great," he said.
We didn't say anything for a moment. I focused on what I was doing. Bauer. Christensen. Where did that Edison one go?
"I think Shawn has a girlfriend. Did you see that?" I asked him. I had seen pictures and tweets and all that jazz last night, and I couldn't help talking about it. It's been on my mind since then.
"Yeah, I did. Who says that's his girlfriend, though?" he said, as if it was all no big deal.
I shrugged. "Why else would he be out, walking around with a girl?"
"Maybe she's super in love with him, but he doesn't really feel that way about her. And so he hangs out with her all the time to make her feel better about the fact that he's not in love with her. But they do make out sometimes," he said.
"Shut up. I hang out with you because I like you," I told him. "And I really doubt that's the case for them. She looked pretty, didn't she?"
He shrugged. "I mean, she's no you. I guess she wasn't ugly, though."
"She was blonde. I didn't think he was really into blondes," I thought out loud.
"I wasn't either. Until you dyed your hair. Now I think I'm definitely into blondes," he told me. "I'm sure he had a similar epiphany."
"I really doubt that, but thank you."
"You're welcome," he said. "You shouldn't dwell on him. It's not good for you."
I gave him a look. "I do not dwell on him. I just thought it'd be a fun topic of conversation."
He smiled at me like he knew that I was lying, and then leaned forward, resting his arms on the desk so he was closer to me. "I'm sure moving on is just as hard for him as it is for you, Gem, if not harder. You're the one who broke up with him, remember?"
"It's not like that, though," I said. "It was time for us to break up, and he knew it. He knew it wasn't working anymore. He just didn't want to go through it. But now, I think he's grateful that I did it."
Jesse gave me a sympathetic look. "I wasn't there, I guess, so I don't know. All I know is that he did everything he did for you and said everything he said to you and felt everything he felt for you for a reason. But you act like...you act like moving on is no big deal for him, and I think it is probably a huge deal," he said. I don't know why he's saying all this...to make me feel better? It's sort of a lose-lose for me.
"Give yourself some credit," he told me. "Getting over you is very hard. I can't even imagine dating you for a year and a half and then having to get over you. Sounds impossible."
I smiled and shook my head. "We don't have to talk about this anymore. Thanks, though."
He shrugged. "You're welcome," he said before looking at the time on his phone. "I should probably get going. I guess I'll see you tonight? Just text me when you want me to come over."
"Okay. I will," I replied. "Thanks again for the coffee. And for being amazing, in general."
"Anything for you, Gemma," he said with a smile. "See ya."
"Bye," I replied, and then I watched him leave. He walked out the door and put his sunglasses over his eyes, then looked back inside at me one more time. He probably saw me staring, but whatever. I sighed.
What do I feel for him? Why can't it be clearer?
I don't know what we are. I don't know what I want. I don't know where this is all going. It stresses me out.
But he puts no pressure on me. We'll make out just because, and he acts like it's no big deal because he knows how I feel about the whole thing. Isn't that sweet? I don't know why we do it. I guess it's just a loneliness thing; we're both just longing for someone's affection, and it's easy to find it in each other. I just hope he really doesn't mind; he says he doesn't at all because he's just glad to be making out with me, but I don't know whether to believe that or not. He sounds genuine, but I just don't want to play with his feelings at all. However, I have laid it all out for him. I told him how I felt, and that I'm not ready, and that if he wants to kiss me still, it's on him.
It's just confusing. Because everything comes back to Shawn. Every time I think, Maybe I do want to date Jesse, my stupid brain tells me No, you just want Shawn. Dating Jesse would be in vain. And I think that might be right, but I just don't know. I do really, really, really like Jesse as a person. I just don't know if I could ever fall in love with him. I could never love him the way I loved Shawn. And that scares me so much, because if I can't commit to a perfect guy like Jesse, how am I going to ever commit to anyone else who's not Shawn ever again? Am I going to be alone all my life because I'm chasing a feeling that's gone? Dr. Kelley and I talk about this all the time, and she assured me that I'll get through it, but I'm sure if she's right.
Thinking about Shawn having a girlfriend makes me sick. I saw those pictures of him and that blonde girl, and it was like someone punched me in the gut. Who is she? Are they dating? Does he kiss her? Does he hold her when they're laying in his bed and whisper everything he loves about her in her ear? Does he like her more than he liked me?
I just...I hate to think about how he feels about me. Did everything between us mean more to me than it did to him? Has moving on been easy? Does he not love me anymore?
I felt myself getting worked up, and I knew it wasn't good. My hand started to shake and I started to feel really hot and my heart started racing and I felt tears in my eyes. This is not what I need right now.
I walked unsuspectingly to the bathroom, hoping Lily didn't catch a glimpse of me. The door was heavy, and it took me a moment to open it.
Just breathe, Gemma. But I can't just breathe. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath at all.
Why do I always do this? Why can't I just be normal? I bet he's with a normal girl now, and I bet he likes that a lot more. I bet she doesn't have anxiety attacks three times a day. I bet she's perfectly balanced, and I bet he loves that about her.
I took off my blazer and put it on the counter, because of how hot I felt. I don't have anxiety attacks three times a day, but they have gotten worse. I used to have them sometimes when Shawn and I were dating, those ones where I'd wake up in the middle of the night and he'd have to talk me through it. They come more often now, and Dr. Kelley tells me it's probably my anti-depressant that makes them happen more, which seems like exactly the opposite of what an anti-depressant should do. She says that combining drugs like that is a bit of a wildcard depending on the person, and what I have going right now is best for me, even if it means more frequent anxiety attacks. At least I'm not committing suicide or anything.
She's helped me learn to get through them quickly. I did the first step perfectly, which was to recognize that an attack is coming on and then go to a room where I'm alone. That's part of "controlling what I can control." I just need to catch my breath; I need to find my rhythm. And I need to talk myself out of it; I need to think happy thoughts and focus.
You're fine, Gemma. Everything between the two of you was real, remember? Remember when you two went to Venice, and he asked you to be his girlfriend? Remember when he'd sing you songs he wrote about you? And remember when he gave you that promise ring on your anniversary? He loved you. He can't love her the way he loved you. Not yet, at least.
I caught my breath; I found the rhythm. I wiped my teary eyes, and tried to regain my composure.
What's wrong with me? I don't have the right to get mad at him for moving on. I broke up with him. But it just really hurts me to think he could be the way he was with me with another girl. But that's just me being selfish. He should do whatever makes him happy.
My current instability is just evidence of my incapability to be enough for him. I know that, and I need to accept it.
It's okay. Everything will be okay.
Could he do it all with her? All the things we used to do? Could he carry her to his bed like he used to carry me? Could he let her unbutton his shirt? Could he say her name like he used to say mine?
Fuck fuck fuck.
It has just occurred to me that I'm never going to get over him.
Fuck.
---
one month later
AUGUST
shawn >>>
paige
you didn't call
me
was i supposed to?
paige
you told me this morning that you would :(
me
i completely forgot. sorry. i can call now?
paige
you don't have to. and it's okay
me
my brain is fucked. i don't know why, but i feel like i'm going insane
me
diagnose me psychology girl
paige
hm, you're probably just tired
paige
maybe go to bed earlier??
me
well i would do that but there's this girl who always wants to talk to me
paige
shut up. you can say goodnight whenever you want
me
goodnight :)
paige
dick
me
kidding
me
so whatcha doing
paige
laying in my bed texting you
paige
what are you doing
me
the exact same thing
paige
twins
paige
oh my gosh my sister thinks she's ariana grande
paige
i need to get out of this house
me
when's your stupid apartment going to be fixed?
paige
idk probably never at this point
paige
i can't live in this house anymore. i don't know how i ever did it.
me
are your sisters that bad?
paige
at singing? yes.
me
no i just mean in general. why do you hate your house so much?
paige
idk. just always wanted to get out
paige
i obviously love my family and stuff but i'd prefer to love them from afar
me
i hate loving my family from afar
paige
they must be better than mine, then
me
probably
me
well you can stay with me if you find yourself in la
paige
270 miles too far
paige
maybe i'll get the urge to take a five hour car ride tomorrow. who knows
me
you can bring eve
me
connor is literally dying to see her
me
he asks me to go to vegas with him pretty much everyday
paige
yet you've never visited
me
always busy
paige
excuses
paige
it'd be nice to see you
me
that's what i'm saying. come and see me
paige
why do i have to do the five hour drive
me
because i'm going to let you stay with me
me
i think i've done my part
me
and you're really good at it
paige
true
paige
i'll think about it
paige
don't get your hopes up
me
don't flatter yourself
paige
i wouldn't dream of it
paige
okay i have to go and put an end to this singing. i'll talk to you in the morning??
me
yep. when you're on your way.
paige
shut up!!!!
paige
but goodnight
me
night
I turned my phone off and set it down, then rubbed my eyes. It's late.
So, yeah. I guess there's something going on between Paige and I. It started that night when Connor made me come over while he asked Eve to be his girlfriend. We just hung out that night, and it sort of just progressed from there. I can't really explain how it happened, because it just did. I certainly wasn't really looking for someone. But I like having her to talk to. It's nice to have someone around who cares.
I haven't seen her in a few weeks, but we text each other all the time everyday, and sometimes we talk on the phone. I didn't think I would ever start talking to someone new anytime soon, but for some reason, Paige makes it easy. We just click.
I wouldn't say that I feel some sort of intense chemistry between us or anything. I don't feel like I'm falling in love with her. She's no Gemma in terms of attraction. But...I'm not going to hold every girl to The Gemma Standard. That's unrealistic.
I know she's been hanging out with that Jesse guy a lot. I see all of the photos. Edith says that Gemma says they are friends and nothing more, but I don't really believe that. I would have a lot easier time with this is he was ugly. But he's not.
I wonder if she has seen anything about Paige and I. I do and don't want her to at the same time. I want her to see us and get jealous and feel like she made a mistake, but I don't want it to make her sad that I'm "moving on." Which, for the record, I'm not. Not technically. I'm moving on despite my very real, very intense feelings for her.
You need to sleep. No more thinking about Gemma.
I fall asleep thinking about Gemma pretty much every night, and I'm not exaggerating. When I'm completely alone with my thoughts in a dark room, I think about her. Typically, I fall asleep to the fantasy of us being together again; there are a few different versions I've invented in my head. It's pathetic, I know.
I just hope she's doing well. I hope she's figuring herself out. I hope she's not feeling so burdened. I just want her to be happy.
Hopefully Paige does make it out here tomorrow. She'd be a welcome distraction.
---
gemma <<<
"She's here!" Liam announced as I walked through the door of my familiar home. I figured it was time for one last visit before school starts again. Besides, I've had a pretty rough week.
"I'm here," I said, the exhaustion evident in my voice. Although I was very tired, I felt so safe and warm and okay again. I love being home.
"I'll take your stuff," Liam offered, walking towards me. The kid is nearly six feet tall and fifteen years old. He gets bigger and looks older every time I see him; it's scary.
"Thanks," I said as he picked up my bag and took it to my room.
I walked into the kitchen, where my dad was working over a bowl of noodles. Chicken Alfredo, I quickly realized as I looked around. My favorite.
"Hey Gem," Dad said with a big smile. He pulled me into a hug. Holy cow, I feel like bursting into tears and I don't even know why. I just feel like I don't see him enough and don't deserve how much he loves me.
You are enough, Gemma.
"Hi Dad," I replied. "Smells really good in here."
"I figured I'd make something nice for you," he said. "It's not all the time that a big New York Times bestselling author walks through my door."
I laughed. "That's true," I said. Liam emerged into the kitchen too. "Why is Liam so tall?"
Dad shrugged. "I don't know. He's passed you up, hasn't he?"
"I passed her up like, last year, Dad," Liam said defensively. His voice is deeper now, too. He's growing up so fast.
"I don't like it," I said.
"Sorry you're short," he replied.
"I'm above average for girls, actually," I replied matter-of-factly.
"Let's not argue already," Dad interjected. "Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes."
I went to my room and sat on my bed. Feels weird every time I come back here. I remember when Shawn and I used to come visit together, and we'd look through stuff from when I was younger, like old pictures of me. I loved those trips. Being in the place I love most with all the people I love most felt so special. I wonder if that other girl will bring him to her house. Maybe she has a little brother who will grow to idolize him. Maybe she has a dad who will really like him, too. Maybe she even has a mom who will love him as much as my mom would have.
Don't do this to yourself. Not now.
It's impossible not to do it. I can't stop doing it. I look around this room and still find ways to see him. I can see him sitting on the floor, looking through my old CDs and laughing. I can see him laying with me on my bed, running his fingers through my hair. I can see him opening the door with that goofy smile after everyone had fallen asleep to come be with me. Everything is still him, and it sucks.
I wonder if he ever feels this way.
Probably not.
---
the next day
shawn >>>
paige
i will be there in ten minutes
paige
expecting a celebration upon my arrival
me
what kind of celebration
paige
like a party. with balloons and stuff
me
sorry. fresh out of balloons
paige
it's okay i guess
I quickly looked around my room. Is anything out of place? Is there a Gemma poem just laying around or something? Did I put away that picture of the two of us I used to have on my nightstand?
Nope. I had hidden all traces of Gemma well. It's like she was never here.
Fuck that.
I know she was here. I can see her still. I can see her sitting in the chair by the window, reading a book while I played guitar. I can see her laying in my bed, wearing an oversized t-shirt and glasses, smiling up at me before I climbed in next to her. I can see her standing in the doorway with that perfect Gemma smile after I texted her begging her to come over. She's still here, and I don't know if she ever won't be. And as much as I want it, I don't think bringing another girl here is going to make her disappear.
I saw that she's back home. I miss those days. I really did love her family, and I loved how happy she was when she was with them. It made me so happy. I miss bringing her home to mine, too. And I know they loved her. Who wouldn't?
I waited for Paige, feeling anxious. She makes me nervous. I haven't been nervous around a girl in a long time, so the whole situation just feels weird and foreign. I just want to like her as much as I liked Gemma and move on. I don't want to see her in this room anymore.
When I heard a knock at the door, my heart started racing. I feel so out of my element. Whenever Gemma came over, she'd just walk in, and I'd be doing whatever, and it'd be so casual and normal. Nothing I'd ever be nervous for. It's been a very long time since a girl has come over and made me nervous, and I don't know what to do with myself.
I opened the door, and Paige was standing there, looking all cute and perfect. She's shorter than Gemma, but not by that much.
"Hey," I said, smiling at her. I didn't know what else to say.
"Hi," she replied, a bit of a laughter in her voice. "Here I am, as you requested."
I laughed, too. "It's really great to see you."
She brushed her hair behind her ear. "Yeah. You too."
She came in and I shut the door behind her. She's been here before, but that was a month ago, and things change after not seeing someone for a month. The awkward sets in all over again.
"How was the drive?" I asked her.
She shrugged. "Uneventful. Eve actually volunteered to drive halfway, so I got to sleep."
"That's not that bad, then."
"No. It wasn't," she replied.
"Well, I'm really glad you came," I said, and she laughed a little.
"Me too," she said. "Hopefully it was worth the drive."
Neither of us said anything else. I'm just nervous to fuck it up.
"Well, I thought, maybe, if you're down, that we could go out to dinner. Or something. Tonight," I said. "Only if you want."
Chill out. You're making a fool of yourself.
She laughed. "You are so cute," she said, which was not the reaction I was expecting, but I'll take it. "I'd love to go out to dinner or something tonight. If you want to take me."
"I'd love to take you," I replied, which I think was honesty. I just feel like...like it's wrong of me to take another girl out. As if Gemma even cares. I just feel like I'm cheating on her, which is such a dumb thing to think.
"Okay," she said. She was smiling, so I think I said the right thing. It's getting easier.
"It's a date, then," I said. It is a date. That's what I'm treating it as.
"It is?" she asked.
"Unless you don't want it to be," I said. "It definitely doesn't have to be."
"No. I mean, I'd like it to be," she replied.
"Okay. Great."
Then we both started laughing, diffusing the awkwardness a little. I'm glad she seems to feel the same way as me.
"Why is this part so awkward?" she asked, putting her face in her hands. "I mean, I'm so awkward. You are too, don't get me wrong, but it's cute when you do it."
I laughed again. "I really don't know why it is. It siouan time be. Let's just both agree to not be awkward anymore," I offered.
"Yeah. Good idea."
"So, what, there's like four hours until dinner," I said, looking at my phone. "Want to...just sit here and talk for a while?"
She smiled. "You read my mind."
She sat next to me on the couch, closer than friends but further than boyfriend and girlfriends. Paige and I haven't done anything, for the record. Never even kissed. I've thought about doing it a few times, but it never feels right. But tonight, I can see it happening. For sure. As long as the date goes well. I don't see anything crazy happening, though.
"I've never driven five hours to see a boy before," she said with a smile. "And now I've done it three times. Even though the first wasn't really technically for you.
I smiled, too. "Well, I'm honored to be that boy. I don't want you to have to keep doing it, though. I can come out to you, just after things get a little less busy. Connor and I can come."
"I really don't mind the drive that much. I'd like for you to come out so I can show you around, though. You can meet my family and found out for yourself how crazy they are," she said. Family. I don't want to meet her family anytime soon. That implies that we're doing something serious, and while I know that that's the direction this is heading, I don't know if I'm quite ready to face that reality. That's quite a big step to take for me. Getting attached.
It took six months for me to meet Gemma's family and for her to meet mine. I'm sure if they lived nearby it would have been a lot sooner, but still. We were so secure in our relationship at that point. I wouldn't want to meet a girl's parents when she's not even my girlfriend. They'd probably try to chase me away, or they'd pressure me into making it something I don't want it to be. Plus, am I going to love any girl's family as much as I loved Gemma's? Probably not.
Plus, Paige has sisters. How am I going to go from Liam, who I genuinely had such a good time with, to three sisters? I mean, I'm sure they'll be fine, but it's not like I can hang out with them the same way. Or like them as much.
I'm being an idiot.
"I mean, I don't want to scare you away," she quickly said. "We totally don't even have to go near my family. I don't want to put any pressure on you or anything."
I smiled, pretending I had no issue with the family comment. "No, it's cool. I'd love to meet them." Lies lies lies.
She looked at me like she didn't believe I was genuine. "I'm sorry. I don't even know what all of this is going to become. I don't want you to think I'm trying to label it or anything before you want to label it. If you even want to label it."
I could tell she was pretty nervous, but all this talk is making me feel...well, nervous. I don't want to talk about labels.
"You just need to relax, Paige," I told her, laughing a bit. "You're stressing for no reason."
She hid her reddening face with her hands. "I know," she said, her voice muffled. "I'm just feeling nervous about everything. Like I said, I've never done this before, and I like you so much that it makes me scared I'll mess everything up, and I just don't want to do that."
"You're not going to mess everything up," I told her. "Probably, at least. And even if you did...it'd be okay."
She didn't seem to believe that.
"And I like you a lot, too. I'm also super nervous, if that's any consolation," I said, just trying to make her feel better. But I mean, I am super nervous.
"Really?" she asked with big eyes.
I nodded. "Really. I want to get this right with you."
Jeez, where did that comment come from? Do I mean that?
"I want to get this right with you, too," she replied, her eyes looking into mine. She has the bluest eyes I've ever seen, if I've never mentioned it before.
Huh. I guess I did mean that. I'd really like to get this right with her.
The moment is right for the kiss. Right now.
Is it?
Yes! She's nervous and you're nervous and you're connecting. It's perfect.
I wanted to save it for the date.
Fuck the date. You can be on a whole separate level by the time the date's over.
True. But still.
"Well, I'm glad we're on the same page," I said with a smile, making her chuckle.
"Yeah. Me too," she replied, not taking her eyes off me. But eventually she did and looked at the ground instead. "I thought maybe you'd be...I don't know. Closed off, because of Gemma. I know how much she meant to you."
I felt a lump in my throat at the mention of Gemma's name out loud. Haven't heard it in a while. But Paige and I talked about Gemma a good amount before we ever became anything more than acquaintances, so she's pretty familiar with the situation.
I just shrugged. "I mean, I can't wait around forever for her to make up her mind and fix whatever problems she has. It's exhausting and unrealistic."
"I just..." Paige started, still not making eye contact with me. "I just get scared that if we were together—which we certainly don't have to be—she'd finally say she's ready to be with you again, and then you'd pack your bags to be with her. And I'd be left out to dry."
I smiled a bit to show I thought that that was ridiculous. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do in that situation.
"There's no chance she and I will ever be together again," I said confidently, even though that sentence broke my heart to say. "She burned all of her bridges with me, and she has to live with that. Plus, it's been almost six months. I'm completely ready to move on and put what we had in the past."
She nodded. "I get it. And I don't want to pressure you into anything before you're ready. I know that getting over someone takes a long time. And maybe you are over her, but you still don't feel ready to be with me, and that's fine to. I just—"
I kissed her. Shut up, Paige.
She was quick to kiss me back, putting her hands on my shoulders to steady herself.
Okay. This is not bad. Not at all. I could totally get used to this.
But if we're holding her to the Gemma Standard...
I'm not holding her to the Gemma Standard. I'm not thinking about Gemma anymore. There's a new standard, called the Realistic Standard, and that's my new favorite standard. I'm not fucking comparing everything to Gemma anymore. That's not a way to live my life.
She's not as good.
"That was rude," I said when we separated, making her laugh. "Sorry."
"No. I'm totally annoying. Feel free to shut me up whenever you want," she told me. I smiled, and she was smiling, too, and I felt happy. This feels right, doesn't it? This is good, what she and I have.
Not as good as what you used to have.
---
that night
gemma <<<
"I'm really sorry about the breakup, sweetie."
My aunt Kate is the only person that I want to talk about the breakup with, because she's a fellow girl, and she's thirty-six and wise. That's what I need. My dad has stayed far away from the subject, and the only thing Liam's said about it is so far is "You're boring by yourself" when I declined his offer to play an Xbox game.
She and I sat in her kitchen, having after-dinner cups of coffee like two old women. Dad, Liam, and David were in the living room engrossed in a football game, so Aunt Kate took the liberty of pulling me aside for this chat.
I shrugged. "I am, too. I want to tell myself I did the right thing, but...it's hard to let go of him."
Aunt Kate nodded, sipping her coffee. "I get it. At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you. If you two were meant to be, then you'll be brought back together. And if not, you got the hard part out of the way. Either way, you did the right thing for you. And if he really loves you, then he'll understand that."
I hope that she's right. I hope that he understands, fully, why I did what I did. That it really had nothing to do with him.
"Yeah. You're right," I said. Then I sighed. "I just wish...well, I always just wish that I could be normal. I wish that I didn't have to break up with him when he did nothing wrong. It's a really shitty feeling to know that you're not enough for someone."
She gave me a sympathetic smile. "I know, sweetie. Your dad has struggled with the same thing his entire life, just like you. And it's what drove him and your mom to separate, you know?"
I nodded. I know that. Dad has had a very similar struggle with anxiety since he was a teenager. It's pretty bad with him, and it was really bad when I was young. He felt like he couldn't be a good father anymore. He felt like he wasn't the husband he had promised to be. He pushed Mom away, and she didn't want to be treated like that, and eventually they got divorced. And as bad as I feel for my mother in that situation, I know exactly what he felt like. I did the same thing to Shawn.
"I know he wished he wouldn't have done it. He wishes he wouldn't have pushed her away," she continued. "He thinks he gave up too soon. And when your mom got sick, he felt like it was all his fault."
Fuck. I'm going to cry.
I just nodded, looking down and blinking back tears.
"But when you're in it and your mind is having those thoughts, it consumes you. It burdens you and makes you feel like you're making the other person suffer for your sake," she continued. "I know that's what it was like for your dad and you. I know that it wasn't selfish. You wanted what was best for him."
That's true. I didn't feel like I was what was best for him, and I couldn't get past that awful feeling. I just felt like I'd end up hurting him even more, in an even bigger way.
"Gem, I know that you have big dragons to slay. And I know that it feels like you're the only one who truly understands what you're going through," she said. True. "But you're stronger than you think. You're stronger than your dad. Hell, you've gone through so much, Gem, and you've come out of all of it even better than before."
Have I? I don't feel strong. I feel quite weak, actually.
"You just can't let it all control you. If you let it control you, you're going to end up with regrets, just like your dad. You have to use all that strength to pull yourself up and live the life you want to live, with the people you want to live it with. Because the right people will love you no matter what."
Shawn loved me no matter what. And I pushed him away because I let it all control me.
"My point is that...you are so much more than your disorders. And if you still love that boy, then damn it, you should go tell him," she said. Of course I still love him. I'd love nothing more than to go tell him I love him. I don't think I'd be met with some rosy response, though.
I sighed. "Well, I think he's moved on," I said. "And I don't even know if we were ever meant to be together. I'm just not the kind of girl that could fit into his life anyway. Just like with Jake."
Aunt Kate laughed a little. "Maybe you should date a normal boy, then. Just because you're pretty enough to have all the hot famous boys doesn't mean you have to be with them. There are plenty of attractive, normal boys whose lives you'd fit into perfectly."
I laughed, too. "Once I'm ready to date again, I am definitely choosing a normal boy. I can't do all that celebrity stuff anymore."
"You looked so pretty, though," she said. "Every time you got to go on one of those red carpets, I'd show your picture to everyone I knew. I'd kill to wear some of those dresses."
"I still have a couple of them. Most of them I don't get to keep, though," I replied. "Come visit me and we can have a fashion show."
She put her hand up for a high five, which I accepted. "Great idea, girl. When I get a spare minute, I'll be on the first flight out."
"Kate, can you come tell your husband about that time in Florida?" Dad called.
"What time in Florida?"
"The seagulls."
Aunt Kate let out a laugh. "Oh my God. David, I've never told you?"
"No!"
"Okay, sorry, but this is important," she said, smiling at me. She put her hand on mine. "Remember—you're stronger than you think, and I love you."
I smiled. "I love you, too, Aunt Kate. Thank you."
She squeezed my hand and gave me a big smile. Then we walked into the living room while she and my dad recounted a long, crazy story about seagulls and french fries on the boardwalk.
I just feel like there's something missing. This moment is perfect, being here with all these awesome people, but I just feel like I'm not all here. My heart is somewhere else. And that sucks.
I can't go confess my love for Shawn. As much as I want to. I don't think he'd take me back, and I'm being honest. And even if he did, I'd be a total hypocrite. We're just done, and that's fine.
I've made my bed, and now I've got to lie in it and not think about the fact that he's lying in his with someone else.
---
shawn >>>
"I'm so glad you convinced me to come all the way out here," Paige said. We had just gotten back from our date—it's so crazy to say that—and we're both slightly intoxicated and it's past midnight. It was a good date, a really good one; we talked and talked the whole time, and everything felt really easy and un-awkward. It was really nice.
"Yeah?" I asked, and she nodded. "Well, I'm also very glad. I really had a great time."
She smiled and looked down at the ground, then back up at me. "Me too."
Hey, she's staying with you.
Oh shit.
"I totally forgot that you're staying here," I said, feeling like an idiot.
She laughed. "I mean, only if you'll still have me."
"No, I totally want you to, I just forgot," I replied. I already felt a bit of a headache coming on.
"Okay," she said, still smiling.
"The guest bedroom is right there," I said, motioning to a door. "But I mean, you can stay with me, if you want."
I owe my confidence to the alcohol running through my veins.
She laughed a little. "You want to sleep with me me in the first date? Wow. Ballsy."
I laughed, too. "Sure, if that's how you want to put it. I just wouldn't want you to sleep alone. Maybe you're afraid of the dark and you need someone to comfort you or something," I said. I admittedly just want her to sleep in the same bed as me. I want to kiss her again. I'm hoping she'll take the bait.
"You totally don't have to, though," I told her quickly. "It won't hurt my feelings."
"Well, I am pretty afraid of the dark," she said, obviously lying.
"Better stay with me, then. I can protect you," I told her.
"Okay," she agreed, laughing a bit. Then she threateningly held her finger up. "As long as you don't try anything."
I put my hands up defensively. "I swear I won't. I'm too exhausted anyway."
She yawned. "I'm only kidding. But I am also exhausted."
I yawned after her. They're contagious, you know. "Let's get to bed, then."
She took a while performing her nighttime routine; there were many more steps than Gemma's. I didn't mind or anything, just couldn't help comparing. She finally emerged, wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Gemma would have worn a t-shirt that's too big, but Paige's fit her nicely. She smiled at me sheepishly.
"I'm here," she said softly, climbing in next to me. I smiled at her, feeling happy about this whole situation. "Sorry I took so long."
"It's definitely nothing you have to apologize about," I replied.
"Just in case," she said. We were face to face now; we were both smiling like losers.
"Okay," I said.
She laughed softly at our awkwardness, so I had to, as well.
"I think we talked about this already, but tonight was really great," she said. "Seriously. I'm just...really glad we met."
I smiled again. "Same. Weird, how we met and then met again."
"It's like it was fate or something," she replied, then she laughed.
"If it wasn't fate, then it was the craziest coincidence ever," I said.
"Whatever it was, I'm glad it worked out."
"Me too."
And I meant that. Which is weird. I mean all these things I'm saying, and I'm looking at her, and I do very much want to kiss her. Is this what moving on feels like? Am I doing it? I didn't think it'd happen so fast.
I took the lull in the conversation as an opportunity to kiss her. And we just kissed for a long time, and that's all it was, but it was really nice.
And then we fell asleep, and when I woke up and felt someone beside me the next morning, I thought that Gemma and I breaking up was all just a bad dream. But then I looked over, saw long blonde hair, and remembered.
---
hey there!! cheers to faster updates due to quarantine and me not having to get up for school anymore. i haven't gone to bed before 3 am since quarantine began two weeks ago. yikes.
i hope you're all safe, healthy, and doing well mentally. i know this is all crazy and it certainly has fucked with my head quite a bit. and it seems were nowhere near the end. please please please stay home and do what's right <3
➡️ what are you guys listening to?
first, obviously the 5sos album. my faves are wildflower, lover of mine, and high. i also just really love julia by lauv.
thanks for reading! i hope you all are enjoying it. love u all
xx-maggie