chapter playlist ⏯
• say - ruel
• unsaid - ruel
• if this is love - ruth b
-----
about a month later
gemma <<<
"I'm sorry, babe. I've got class tomorrow and I just can't stay up anymore," I said, yawning.
"It's okay, Gem. I'm thankful that you stayed up this long," he replied. He looked tired, too, because he just woke up. It's two a.m. here and eight a.m. where he's at. I have class in six hours, which will be two p.m. his time, and by the time that's over, he'll already be getting ready to go on stage, and by the time his show is over, then we'll be able to talk, as long we both don't have anything else going on. But he'll be exhausted, so the window is short. And so then he'll fall asleep, and by the time he wakes up, I'll be fast asleep, and then the cycle repeats all over again. It's awesome (note the sarcasm). Hopefully the next time zone gives us more flexibility.
"I'll catch ya in the morning sometime," I said. "Or, well, whenever it's convenient, I guess. I have class."
He smiled. "When do you not have class?" he asked rhetorically.
I answered anyway. "Weekends. And the occasional Friday."
The best days are weekends that are also off days for him. Because even if he has an off day, I might still have school, and when it's a weekend and I don't have school, he might still have an event or prior commitment. But when they overlap, it's heaven. They don't come too often, though. so I cherish them.
"Okay, goodnight. Or good morning. Whatever it is. Love you," I said, giving him a smile. I examined him; he was laying on his side in bed, a white comforter pulled over him, his hair messy and his eyes heavy. The window behind let in all of the morning sunlight. What I would give to be next to him. Outside my window, it was pitch black.
"Love you, too. Night, Gem," he said.
And we ended the call. I couldn't help but feel a bit empty. There's just a lot of dead air between us these days. We used to just talk each other's ear off, but now it's like we find it hard to have a thirty minute conversation. It's just hard to relate to each other when we're living two completely different lives. Sometimes I think it's a good thing that we don't talk a lot, because then at least we can save up topics for when we do get to talk.
I looked at my computer, where I still had an assignment open that I haven't finished. I need sleep, though. But not finishing an assignment? That's not me. I don't know how I got this far behind in the first place.
NYU has been kicking my ass. Maybe it's less about NYU and more about me; I'm finding it much harder to focus on academics lately, which is troubling, because I've never been that way. It's not like I'm super busy. I mean, I hang out with Sloane, Jesse, and Ryan sometimes, but not an overpowering amount. I work on my writing in my free time, but I typically prioritize homework. I just can't focus on much anything anymore. It's like I just don't have any motivation. And I don't really know why. I think I'm just in a funk.
I decided to shut my laptop and work on it tomorrow. I can do that.
Time for bed. What I've been waiting for since I woke up.
I've also learned to value sleep much, much more. Going to bed is the best part of my day. And napping is my favorite hobby. Literally.
I got underneath the covers, pulling them all the way up to my chin. It's freezing, but I like it like that. I can snuggle up in my blankets and be all comfy and it's fabulous.
My favorite thing about sleeping, however, isn't the relaxation or getting to be all cozy. My favorite thing about sleeping is being away from reality. I don't have to worry about finishing schoolwork, or the heavy pressure to write a better book than my first one, or saying the right thing on the phone to my boyfriend. I don't have to worry about all those stupid things that hold me hostage in my own head.
I closed my eyes and drifted away to a place where love wasn't contingent upon proximity. A place where I could let go for once.
------
a couple days later
shawn >>>
It went to voicemail. It always seems to go to voicemail lately. It almost seems like she's avoiding me.
It's been a little over a month since we last saw each other on her birthday, but those couple days were so good that I thought we had really mended what the distance did. But now I'm starting to think otherwise.
I said I would be better, and I feel like I have been better. Now she's the one pushing me away. I don't know why things can't ever just be easy.
me
i've got the next few hours free. call me when you can
I sighed and hoped she would respond, otherwise this night would be boring. The nights where I'm free are pretty much reserved for us. We FaceTime and spend the night "together." It feels as close to a date as it possibly can given the circumstances.
In an act of boredom and desperation, I scrolled through our text messages and reread them, which is a weird thing to do, but I just found myself doing it. I found myself at a conversation from a few days ago.
me
what are your plans for thanksgiving
gemma
i already told you. i'm going home. just for a couple days.
me
right.
me
would you mind if i tagged along??
gemma
um i would love for you to tag along. is this you telling me that you can???
me
yep. wednesday, thursday, friday, and saturday. that's when you're going to be there, right?
gemma
i'm flying in tuesday night. but yes.
gemma
are you actually serious? you can actually come?
me
yes gemma. i'll be there. as long as your dad will have me. i didn't really ask.
gemma
don't worry, i'll tell him. he'll be thrilled.
gemma
wow this is great news. i'm so excited :)))))))))
me
me too :)))))))))
gemma
i was having a terrible day but that made me feel a lot better. thank you
me
i'm glad. but why are you having a terrible day?
gemma
just sort of struggling in this one class. i'm pretty sure my professor hates me. but it's whatever.
gemma
and now i have to do three hours of homework for that stupid class.
me
you're impossible to hate, gem. i'm sure you'll get through it.
me
if you want a break from the homework, i'm free until 9 pm your time
gemma
i'm definitely going to take you up on that.
me
good. i guess i'll talk to you later, then?
gemma
yep. love you <3
me
love you too <3
I remember being a little upset because she never did call me. I just figured she was doing her homework and didn't want to be bothered, which is completely fine. But it sort of feels like she's pulling away from me these days. I don't know if it's on purpose or not, but that's just what it feels like. I'm a hypocrite, though, because a month ago, I was doing the same thing. I think our relationship just ebbs and flows with this long distance stuff. Things just aren't ever going to be perfect again and that's okay. It'll just take some adjustment, I think.
I'm excited for Thanksgiving, though. I mean, I'm not American, but Thanksgiving is an excuse for me to get away for a few days and be with my very American girlfriend, so I'm going to take it. I just hope she's as excited as I am. It feels like she is, but with the thousands of miles in between us, I can't really tell if it's genuine. It'll be good, though. She's always so happy when she's home. I love being a part of it.
I scrolled back to another conversation. What else do I have to do?
gemma
i hate hate hate not being able to touch you
me
ditto. 1000% ditto.
gemma
sloane and ryan are literally making out right now and it's disgusting but also i want to make out with you :((((
me
i want to make out with you too :(((
gemma
ugh. now i'm dwelling on it.
me
remember venice?
gemma
of course i remember venice. what about it?
me
nothing. it was just a good trip, that's all.
gemma
i got to touch you a lot on that trip.
gemma
that was the first time we ever spent the night together :(
me
we did more than "spend the night together" but okay
gemma
haha yeah we did
gemma
i surprised myself that night
me
you surprised me that night too
gemma
how so
me
i don't know. i knew it would be good but it was better than i expected
gemma
i'm blushing
me
me too
gemma
i wish we could relive it. i just want to feel it again. the first time.
me
agreed. now that there's been so many times it's crazy to think that there was ever a first
me
we've come a long way
gemma
a very long way.
gemma
i was so nervous that night. you don't even know.
me
yes i do. you were pretty vocal about how nervous you were, but every time i said we could just stop if you wanted to you didn't take me up on it.
gemma
i didn't want to back out. i figured there was no better time or place for us. and i think i was right.
me
i think so too. it holds a very special place in my heart.
gemma
same. waking up next to you in that hotel room with the light shining in through the glass doors is still one of my favorite memories.
me
i'm getting emotional
gemma
haha same.
gemma
let's go back sometime?
me
definitely. next summer.
gemma
next summer. sign me up.
me
will do.
me
i've gotta go. just know i'll be thinking about you and venice for the rest of the day.
gemma
haha same here. love you.
me
love you too gem.
I smiled to myself. That was nice. Look, we can be like we used to be. There's proof, right there. Then I scrolled to the next conversation up.
me
busy tonight?
gemma
busy always
me
i mean do you want to have dinner?
gemma
it's almost two a.m. where you are, my love
me
i know, but i'm hungry. i thought you'd be busy when it was dinner time here
gemma
so you waited all that time?
me
yeah. it wasn't a big deal, though.
gemma
aw. all i want is to be able to say yes, but i've got to leave in ten minutes for a meeting.
me
a meeting?
gemma
the only time isaac could see me was seven. we're just talking over some stuff before he goes out of town.
gemma
i would say that i'll be right back, but i can't ask you to stay up later
me
that's fine. another night.
gemma
i'm sorry babe.
gemma
i wish i could just skip it but that's not really an option.
me
it's not a big deal. i need to go to bed anyway.
gemma
okay. i love you
me
love you too
I remember being very frustrated with that conversation. I stayed up so that we could eat together, and she didn't even mention that "meeting" until I asked her if she had plans. I'm sure she wasn't trying to blow me off, but it felt like that.
But I can't get mad at her for having a life. I mean, she's successful and she's making things happen for herself and I really can't be mad about that just because we can't talk as much as I'd like to. I mean, if it weren't for me, we could at least be in the same city. We're both to blame.
I sat for another thirty minutes while waiting for her response. I debated on calling but didn't want to seem too pushy. I had given up hope just moments before my phone rang.
I let it ring a few times to make it seem like I wasn't waiting.
"Hello?"
"Hi. Sorry it took me so long."
I wondered why, but didn't press on. "It's okay."
"So, you've got the morning free?"
"It seems that I do."
"Well, I'm willing to push off the stupid amount of homework I have if you want to talk to me," she offered in a cheerful voice. Hey, she sounds like she loves me. This is good.
"While I would normally suggest you prioritize your schoolwork over some stupid boyfriend, I really, really want to spend the night-slash-morning talking to you," I told her, a smile on my lips.
She laughed a little. "It's a date, then," she replied. It's a date. The words made my heart flutter.
Thankfully, we've made it into time zones that are about thirteen hours apart. So when it's eight a.m. here, it's like nine p.m. there, and vice versa. We usually can talk when one of us just wakes up and the other one is getting ready to go to bed. Usually, we have our long talks when I just wake up and she is getting ready for bed, since she has class and not much time to chat for a long time.
"Can we FaceTime?" she asked.
"Definitely," I replied.
"Okay, cool. I'm going to change out of these clothes and into sweatpants," she said. "It's been a long day."
"Can't wait to hear all about it. Just call me when you're ready," I told her.
"Will do."
Then we hung up and I could finally relax because I had her for the night. I laid in bed and waited for her call.
When it came, I answered it to see her laying in her bed, too. She looked beautiful.
"Hey," I said softly.
She smiled. "Hi. You look amazing."
I chuckled. "Right back at ya."
And then we both just looked at each other for a moment or two. It's been a minute since we've FaceTimed, and if we don't FaceTime, then we don't see each other. Phone calls are good but there's something that's much better about getting to see her face while I speak to her. Getting to see her smile. It's way better than a phone call.
"So," I said. "Tell me about the long day."
She groaned. "Class at eight a.m. with the professor I hate. Then, another class after that. And then I forgot to eat lunch."
"How do you forget to eat lunch, Gem?"
"I don't know, I just did! By the time I realized, it was two p.m. and I was knee deep in homework, so I didn't want to get up and interrupt my productivity. So I waited until I went out with Sloane and them for dinner, but that wasn't until seven, so I was starving. And so after that, they all went to Jesse's and I was going to tag along but I'm just too tired. And now I have this stupid award ceremony on Saturday, so that's another thing to stress about."
"Award ceremony?" I asked, since she had never mentioned that.
"I didn't tell you?" she asked, and I shook my head.
"Oh. It's just an award banquet sort of thingy for authors. It's nerdy and I don't want to go, but Isaac says I have to," she replied with a frown.
"Are you up for an award?" I asked. She's got to be.
"A couple," she said, shrugging. "I don't really care that much, though."
"Well, why not? It sounds exciting to me," I replied. Her nonchalant attitude was almost concerning.
"I mean, I guess it kind of is, but things like that just make me nervous. And if I do win, I'll have to get up on a stage and say a few words and that's so stressful," she said. "I'd just rather not put myself out there. Then I can avoid all the anxiety that comes with it."
"Oh, come on, Gem. Don't you think that putting yourself out there has worked out for you so far? I mean, think of how nervous you were to even send your book to a publisher. But that worked out, didn't it?" I told her.
"Yeah, I know. I just...I don't know. It just feels a lot harder to find the motivation to put myself out there these days, I guess. Even getting out of bed is hard," she said. She wasn't looking at her phone; she was laying on her side and looking somewhere else, as if she didn't want to look at me.
"That doesn't sound very good, Gemma," I told her.
"I know it doesn't. But it's okay," she said in a way that didn't feel very reassuring.
"Is it, though?" I asked.
She finally looked at me with a small smile. "It is. Believe me. I'm just in a funk, but I'll get out of it. Don't worry about me."
But now I have to worry about her.
I decided to not push anymore, since that would only end in an argument.
"Well, at least we get to see each other in a week," I said, trying to lighten the mood.
She smiled. "I'm so excited. I can't believe you're coming. That's the best news ever."
"The thought of you and your family hanging out without me kind of hurt. So I figured I might as well tag along," I said, smiling too.
"You're basically one of us now," she replied. Over the summer, we stayed a week at each of our homes, so I spent a week with her in Nebraska. And it was really great. Probably one of the best parts of our summer.
"It sorta feels like it," I said. "I'm literally counting down the days."
"Me too," she said. Then she sighed. "Counting down the days till we get to see each other. I wish I would have told my past self to not take you for granted."
I smiled weakly. "Same. I just got really used to spending three days in a row in your apartment that I forgot to be thankful for it."
She laughed a little. "Those were the days."
They were. But things are just different now and it's okay.
"What about you? How was your day?" she asked me. We already covered this in our short talk before she goes to school and before I go to bed. She seemed to remember this. "Or, how did you sleep?"
"Amazingly," I replied. "I just woke up thirty minutes ago."
"Really? Jeez, look at you, late sleeper."
I shrugged. "Sometimes you need to just recharge."
"Totally agree," she replied. Then she sat up in her bed, seemingly excited about something. "Oh, look!"
"All I can see is your face, Gem."
"Right," she said, flipping the camera. She got up and walked to the window. It was raining.
"The rain? That's what you're so excited for?"
"Yes," she said defensively. "I love rain. And I love falling asleep to the sound of rain. Don't you?"
I had never really thought about it. I guess it's nice. "Sure."
She flipped the camera back again, and she was barely smiling. She looked at me and then back out the window, then sighed.
"Anyway," she said, laying back down in her bed. "What's going on with you that we haven't talked about yet?"
"We talk about everything, babe," I told her with a smile. "There's nothing new."
"Well...what's the weather like where you are?" she asked. It's nice that she's trying.
"Um...it's kind of cloudy. And I think it's pretty cold out there," I replied, flipping the camera to show the big window across the room. "Might get up and get some breakfast. I don't know yet."
"Breakfast sounds amazing," she said with a smile. I flipped the camera back on me.
"Well, it's not as amazing if you're not there to steal food off my plate," I replied, making her chuckle.
"True," she agreed. "Soon. Soon we'll be back together and everything will be right again."
She sounded very sure of that, which was reassuring. I was pretty sure of it, too, but my mind seems to be playing tricks on me these days.
But I'm almost positive that she's right. I just need to be with her again. It's not like there's something wrong with us. Any couple would be a little off after being apart all the time. We're good, and I'm sure of that. I just need to see her again.
-----
thanksgiving break!!!!
I may have been wrong, I think.
Well, not completely wrong. Just not as right as I had hoped.
It's been a whole day since I got here, and Gemma has been...off. I mean, things started off well. She picked me up at the airport and kissed me first thing, making my head spin. Then she drove me home and was really talkative, which is a really good sign for her. But then we got back and she said she was tired from the drive, which was completely fine by me, especially because I woke up so early to get on the Longest Flight Ever. So we laid down for an hour or two, but that was all. We had dinner with her dad and brother, which was nice, but she just didn't seem like herself. She's usually so chipper when she's home, but she's just seemed...lackadaisical. I didn't know if I should say anything.
"Thank you for coming," she said as we laid on the bed in the guest bedroom. It was late, about eleven-thirty. She rested her head on my chest, and I ran my fingers through her hair, which she had recently cut a little shorter than before.
"I'm happy to be here," I replied. "I haven't been anywhere that feels like home in forever, so this is...this is great."
She smiled and tilted her head up so I would kiss her. I did. I was dying to do more than just give her a quick peck on the lips, but she did not seem to feel the same way. How have we not made out yet? It's like, all she talks about on the phone.
She held up her hand, the one with the ring, and we both looked at it. I had given her some sort of promise ring for our anniversary this past summer.
"It's good to know you're still wearing that," I said.
"Of course I'm still wearing it. I wear it everyday. Did you think I wasn't going to?" she asked, looking up at me.
"No, I knew you would. It's just relieving, what with all those New York City boys that are surely after your heart," I said.
"Believe me, no guys are after my heart out there," she replied, giving me a weak smile. "Guys don't even...guys don't even look at me."
False. There's literally no way that's true.
"Because of the ring," I said, making her laugh a little. "Gemma, you know that's not true. I mean, I want that to be true, but it's not."
"No. Believe me: it's true," she told me. "Not everyone sees me like you see me, unfortunately. Some people just see an average, nerdy girl who isn't really anything special."
That's not true. That's so not true. How does she have such a warped perception of herself? She's undeniably hot. Not just pretty—hot. Double-take hot. And besides being hot, she's beautiful. Like, so so so beautiful. Her smile lights up an entire room, and she's delusional to think otherwise.
"I don't believe that. At all," I replied dismissively. "Either way, I think you're the most incredible human being I've ever met. And every time I look at you, I think that. And even if no one else looks at you and thinks that, I do, and I gave you that ring to prove it."
She obviously needs a confidence boost, and it's pretty much my job to give her one. I mean it.
She smiled. "Thank you. You're the most incredible human being I've ever met, for the record."
That felt good to hear.
"Are you..." I started to ask "are you okay?" but that seemed too forward. I don't want her to think I think there's something wrong with her. But she's just seemed...down lately. Not her usual self. Usually when we're back in Nebraska, she's a ball of impenetrable happiness. But today she's been different.
"How do you feel?" I asked instead. I could make that sound at least a little less...rude. "I mean, like with the anxiety stuff and all that. Is it getting better or worse or staying the same?"
She didn't answer right away, as if she was deciding on what exactly she was going to say to me. "It's...pretty much the same. I take my meds every day, so it's controlled."
That gave me zero information at all. I just want to understand this "funk" she's in and help her get out of it.
I nodded. "That's good, then."
It was quiet between is for a few moments. I didn't know what to say.
Thankfully, I didn't have to say anything.
"I know that I've been...off lately," she said. Yes. You totally have, and I'm thankful you noticed. "I thought it would sort itself out when I got back home, but I still feel it. I'm trying to be happy, but I just feel like something inside of me is pulling me down. I don't know...I don't know what's wrong with me."
I could hear the pain in her voice. I feel bad for her, of course, but I just can't help but wish I could just catch a break with her. It just seems like it's always something. I just wish she could be easy for once. I wish she could be a normal girl with a normal brain. I know it's selfish, but I just feel like I'm never enough for her. I don't know what to do anymore.
"I just worry about you, Gem. And if you don't talk to me, then I can't help you. I know I'm far away and sometimes our schedules don't align, but...I'll always make time for you. Seriously. You don't need to pretend to be okay," I told her.
She interlaced our fingers, reassuring me a bit. "Please don't waste your time worrying about me. You have much better things to do."
As if it's that simple.
"I'm not kidding, Gemma," I told her. She dodges every serious conversation.
"I'm not kidding either. I can take care of myself," she replied defensively.
Yeah, right.
I decided to not say what I was thinking. "Well, what's the harm in talking to me? I just feel like we shouldn't really keep things from each other."
"I told you, didn't I?" she asked, sitting up and turning to look at me. She let go of my hand. I can't catch a fucking break.
I didn't say anything; we were now sitting facing each other, and she had this look in her eyes that I couldn't quite figure out. The room was dark besides the lamp on the nightstand. Her makeup was smudged underneath her eyes from the long day, but it was sort of hot, and her hair was a little messy, but it was cute. Her lipstick was faded. I felt like kissing her, though I seriously doubt she feels the same way.
"I can never win with you, can I?" I asked rhetorically. I hoped she could hear the exasperation in my voice.
She just looked at me, and I wondered what she was thinking. Do I make her as mad as she makes me? I mean, she makes me mad, but never to the point where I think about breaking up with her. Does she reach that point? That worries me.
Then, without a word, she situated herself on top of me, a leg on each side of my body. What the fuck is going on?
She hovered over me, and I could hear her breathing. I could feel myself breathing heavily, too. There's so much tension between us, in like a million different ways. Her eyes met mine, and it seemed like she was about to say something, but she didn't. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't find the right words.
All of a sudden, she kissed me—slowly, intentionally, deeply. Fireworks. I kissed her back, but my mind was foggy. We were arguing and she was mad at me and now she's...making out with me? Even for Gemma, this makes no sense. When she's mad, she's mad, and she definitely wouldn't try to please me in any way while she's mad. But here we are.
She began to kiss my neck, something I haven't felt in so long. I couldn't get my hopes up that anything else would happen tonight, since her dad and brother are sleeping nearby. But I wanted it so badly. We haven't done anything in forever.
She kissed my lips again, slowly but still intensely, like she meant something by it. She found my eyes and I tried to search hers for an answer, any answer as to what she feels, but I just can't read her. She can be a total mystery sometimes.
She slid her hand underneath my shirt, her cold fingertips piercing my skin. Her touch sent chills through my body and made me feel like I was burning all at the same time. She bit my lip, and I literally couldn't think straight anymore. Everything is clouded.
She sat up and I was about to get mad that she kept stopping, but then she pulled her shirt over her head, which was pretty much the last thing I expected her to do.
I gave her a somewhat confused look, but couldn't hold it too long. Holy shit, she's hot.
Then she did the same to me, taking my shirt and pulling it off easily and gracefully. Then she let her fingertips graze over my stomach. She kissed my neck again, the right side then the left, then trailed a line down my chest to my stomach to my waist, making me lose my breath. I felt her fingertips on the button of my jeans, which she made quick work of.
What is going on? Is she still mad at me or was that whole situation diffused?
Then she took off her own jeans, tossing them to the side. I was trying to wrap my head around this whole thing.
"We have to be quiet," she said. "I'm not kidding. If Liam or my dad hears anything at all, you're dead."
"Got it," I told her, holding my hand up. "Scout's honor."
She smiled, and I felt proud for coaxing it out of her. I still feel like she's angry with me, and I'm still confused as to why this is happening, but I'm not about to stop it. I'm done trying to understand her.
"Can we switch?" she asked, motioning for me to sit up. I had to laugh a little, but I did, and she laid back against the mattress. I situated myself on top of her, then I had to stare for a moment. She's so perfect. Her face turned red and she looked away.
And then I kissed her again, slowly, trying to bring back the intensity. She brought her hands into my hair, working her fingers through it.
"Can you....go slow?" she asked, which was kind of un-Gemma like. Is she nervous? Nervous to be with me, when we've done this a thousand times? I don't know how that should make me feel.
Her eyes were big as she looked up at me, as if I was going to say no. As if I ever would.
I nodded. "Of course," I replied, and she smiled shyly. Maybe she's just nervous because it's been awhile. I'm honestly a little nervous, too, especially with the fun, little caveat that her father and brother are also in this same house.
"You can be quiet, right?" I asked, still trying to catch my breath.
"Don't flatter yourself," she replied defensively, making me grin.
"What a joy it is to be in love with you, Gemma Clark," I said to her, brushing her hair out of her face. She rolled her eyes, but her smile let me know that she's in love with me, too.
"I love you," she told me. My heart melted. I love you. I didn't expect her to say that, but it made my heart happy.
"I love you, too, Gem," I said, and she kissed me again, and everything felt right again.
---
gemma <<<
I woke up in my own bed, and I quickly tried to remember everything in my morning haze. Why am I here what day is it what happened last night what time is it. I gathered:
- I'm home, in my bed.
- It's Thanksgiving. My dad is home today.
- I took a shower last night after Shawn and I...hung out, then I slept in here. He's probably still sleeping.
- It's nine a.m.
I texted Shawn.
me
good morning :)
His reply came almost immediately.
shawn
morning gem :)
me
have you been up long?
shawn
nope. just woke up about five minutes ago. you?
me
same.
me
are you mad about last night?
shawn
mad? why on earth would i be mad??
me
i don't know. just making sure you aren't.
shawn
no, i'm not mad at all.
shawn
are you?
me
no.
shawn
well, good. we're off to a great start, then
I smiled.
me
yeah. we are.
shawn
can i come lay with you or should i just not
me
you definitely can
A few moments later, my door opened slowly, revealing my messy-haired, tired-eyed lover. He gave me a small smile and closed the door behind him.
"How'd you sleep?" I asked as he got into bed next to me. He pulled the blankets over himself and wrapped his arms around me before saying a word.
"Alright. The jet lag is making things complicated, especially because this time two days ago, I was just now going to bed," he replied.
"That sucks. You can nap whenever you want, though. Nobody will judge you," I told him.
"I'd be an idiot to nap. That's time I could be spending with you," he said, making me smile.
I rolled over to face him, so our noses were almost touching, and put my hand on the side of his face, slowly stroking my thumb against his cheek. Such a pretty face.
"I'm sorry about last night," I said. "I mean, the bad part of last night. I should have let us resolve it before..."
"Seducing me?"
I chuckled. "Is that what I did?"
He shrugged, smiling too.
"Well, didn't take much seduction," I said. "You're quite easy."
"Yeah, 'cause you're my girlfriend who I haven't slept with in a month," he replied defensively. "I really didn't need convincing."
"Yeah. Me neither," I said, looking at his lips, then his eyes again. "I just thought maybe we would get along better without all of that sexual tension."
I mean, is that a thing? Maybe it's easier to get frustrated with him when I'm frustrated in other facets of life. At least arguing with him makes me feel something. To be so close to him all day yesterday and get nothing more than the occasional peck on the lips is absolute torture. I was bound to fly off the deep end at some point.
"And it's just gone now?" he asked. "Because, if I'm honest, I think I still feel it."
I smiled and shook my head. "It's always there. I just think it was somewhat overbearing."
"Overbearing, hm? You must be struggling without me more than I thought," he replied with a smirk. "Did you just start an argument with me in hopes that it would end in sex?"
"No, of course I didn't," I replied, trying to appear offended. "I meant that argument, but I'm over it now."
I am over it, but it's still sort of frustrating. He never lets me deal with things on my own. He always wants to fix it or make it better for me, when sometimes I just want to take care of it myself. And I don't know exactly what he thinks he can do from seven thousand miles away when we have approximately two hours of available time for each other per day, if that. I appreciate his concern, and I try to show that, but that's just not enough for him. He has to try and save me. And that just complicates things sometimes.
He looked at me as if he was trying to figure me out. Should we talk about it? Or is it better just to let it go until it inevitably comes up again? I think I'm sticking with the latter.
"Me too," he said. Clean slate. Maybe today could be a no-argument day. That'd be cool.
"Well, it's Thanksgiving, and I'm very thankful for you," I told him with a smile. "Just for the record."
"For the record, I'm very thankful for you, too," he replied. "I'm thankful for you every day."
Even when you make it really hard. That's what he was insinuating. I'm thankful for you every day, even on those days when you are so fucking difficult. I know he feels that way. It's not a secret.
Either way, I'll take it. Kissing him last night meant not arguing anymore, which means him still liking me. It takes a lot for me to stand down from an argument, especially when I feel like he's wrong, but I just really don't want to fight here. We can fight on the phone, but these few days should be anxiety-free. The days where we see each other are rebuilding days, as I call them in my head. What the distance between us destroys in two months, we have to fix in a few days. I have to rebuild what I've ruined over the past few weeks, and I can't afford any setbacks with my impossible-ness. I just feel so worthless lately that's it's hard to find the motivation to fix it. I probably need to work on myself before I work on our relationship, but I don't really know how to do that.
I wish I could explain to him how I feel. I do, very much, wish he could just snap his fingers and fix it like he thinks he can. But it's deeper than that, and he just doesn't understand. And it's okay that he doesn't understand. I just wish he wouldn't push and push. I wish he would let me do it myself.
Thankfully, we have this break, and then we'll see each for Christmas in less than a month. That will be amazing. But, I can't get ahead of myself. If I fuck everything up, then we won't make it to Christmas.
"Well, maybe we should get moving. I think your dad made breakfast," he said, interrupting my thoughts.
"A Clark family tradition," I replied with a smile. "Dad makes breakfast, then we all lay down for a while, then we get ready to go to Aunt Kate's."
"I love your family," he said. "You guys build in some sort of nap time into every holiday. I respect that a lot."
I laughed. "The holidays are so exhausting, so we've always had a designated chill time. Especially after Mom died. My dad loves a good nap."
He smiled. "Well, same here. Me and my jet lag thank your family greatly."
We then got up, and I hoped that he would kiss me. It's his turn to make the move.
I opened the door and waited for him while he unnecessarily tried to fix his hair, as if anyone in this house cares. Then he made it to where I was standing, and I smiled up at him.
"I love you," he said, putting his hand on the side of my face. Okay, that's better than a kiss.
"I love you, too," I replied, still smiling. Then he leaned down and kissed me, using both of his hands to hold my face. I wrapped my arms around his neck and I could have melted right there. I love you and a kiss? How did I get so lucky?
Maybe this rebuilding thing won't be so hard after all.
----
hello :) hope everyone had an awesome holiday season! i know i did. christmas is the most wonderful time of the year—no contest. i hate the come-down though. i've just been finding it hard to like...get up every day? feelin a little motivation-less lately, anyone else with me?
hope you liked this chapter. what do you think is going to happen??
⏯ what's the jam?
i absolutely adore the new the 1975 song!! it's the first single off their next album that i've actually liked, so thats exciting. also, i've been getting into clairo recently, which is fun. i absolutely love "bags" and "north." i've also found this artist called boy in space who has a real alec benjamin vibe; if you like alec i would for sure recommend him!
thanks for reading. y'all rock :)
xx-maggie