It was too sudden; it was too much to process.
The Empress was vile, but I never expected her to go as far as murdering two people in less than a week. For her, it was as if the lives of the people below her didn't matter. The only important people in her view are the Emperor and herself.
I wouldn't be surprised if she murdered her mother for the Emperor's attention.
Even without the Empress's mother, the Empress planned things out so detailed and precise that it scared me. Before I knew what I had gotten into, I thought there would be no way the Empress could be this cruel. It was just recently that I thought the Empress and I had a truce.
I was too altruistic. If I let the Empress die from the attempted assassination, I wouldn't have been in this situation. It didn't matter to me anymore. My urge to go home—to my real home, not the home that I still feel unfamiliar with sometimes—was desperately tugging onto me every hour as I lay in idleness.
The frivolous talking with Guan Shu and everyone else for that matter, was no longer, as I stayed seated in the Cold Palace, waiting for my meal.
"Here, have some tea." Guan Shu, although she was technically no longer my maid, continued to serve me.
I wrapped my palm around the cup, wiping my eye with my free hand. "Thank you."
"Ying Yue, you haven't talked for a while now," Hua Er gently rubbed my back and leaned in close to my face. "Please talk to us."
"Just in shock," I mumbled, swallowing the warm, earthy liquid.
It wasn't as if I didn't trust them. It's just that they've never seen me like this. Their perspective of Ying Yue, was that she was a warrior... A strong woman who defied the odds of the people praying on her downfall, a strong woman who showed no sadness. It was me, and it still was. But I felt uneasy expressing my emotional side to them. It was as if I was hiding this part from them, as if I hid behind a mask of independence and sentimental detachment.
Although I battled my way through this journey, opposing and fighting against anything that hindered me, I still lost. It was all for nothing, wasn't it? I stay in this dark, unkempt room, for however long until I think of a plan. Or when Chang Ying finally arrives.
To make matters worse, the person I didn't heavily rely on but should have was on vacation. I didn't even know women in the harem could do that! Chang Ying was my only hope. I will only hope for her return, but I will utilize my time in the Cold Palace.
"You haven't talked about anything that has to do with the case for two days," Guan Shu said with worry written on her face. "What have you been thinking about?"
I sighed. "I apologize, to both of you. I'm still in shock that I still can't comprehend what is happening."
Guan Shu still served by my side and confronted me, even though I should've been confronting her.
"You've lost your son," I clasped my hands between Guan Shu's. The warmth of my hands embraced her clammy hands. I gently tapped my index finger on the back of her hand. "And I am sorry that I haven't checked on you."
There was no excuse for my behaviour. I thought shutting two of my closest companions out would leave me to cope with my emotions in a better manner. It didn't. I was still stuck in the same state of mind and headspace.
"Rong Er... I love him. I love my child so dearly, but," Guan Shu peered at me with glossy eyes but welcomed me with a carefree smile. The smile was faint, almost as if it wasn't there. "I love you as well, Ying Yue. I am still grieving, dwelling, on how I failed to keep him safe... But I don't want to see you like this."
She sniffed. "You're still alive... right in front of me."
Hua Er set herself across from us. "We can't let the Empress win. She took two things from us. Rong Er, and your title."
"I agree. There must be something we can do." Guan Shu softly spoke. Her lips trembled as she wiped the rest of her tears with her sleeve.
Guan Shu had changed. Her eyes were dull. It is supposed that eyes are the windows to the soul, but when I look into her eyes, there was a blockage. I've never had anyone grieve in front of me. It was hard for me to look. It was also hard to comfort Guan Shu because I couldn't. I didn't know what to say or do. I should give her some space. This was a woman who had lost her only child... who was her only family.
I felt as if I was bothering her.
"I—Guan Shu... I appreciate your service but," I thought about the words I could use. As of now, she was a fragile china piece, about to break any minute. "I need you to let me handle everything for now. Rest. I want to give you time."
She was fine until I spoke. Her anguish cries created livelihood in the lifeless room. Hey, at least we lived in a palace. There was more space to do things... Even though it was so dusty and dirty. If she screamed, no one could judge her.
Carmen, stop.
I shook my head to prevent myself from the intrusive thoughts. I was never good at keeping a serious face in serious situations.
Hua Er embraced Guan Shu from the side as she let her eyes speak.
"T-Thank you." Guan Shu untangled herself from Hua Er and groggily walked to the small bed.
It was hard to watch. Hua Er and I exhaled in unison, but it wasn't because of relief. There was nothing we could do to make her feel better. The only thing that could help her was to let her alienate herself away from us for a while. I pitied Guan Shu. As a maid, it's hard to isolate yourself from everyone else because it is your duty to provide service to everyone.
I guess Hua Er noticed my thinking face because she moved her face closer to me. "What are you thinking about?"
I furrowed my eyebrows, leaving the surrounding environment and trancing myself into thought. "Give me a few minutes, I need some time alone to think."
Hua Er nodded.
As I sat there for a moment, my eyes fixating on the teacup in front of me, I noticed an unsettling disturbance of my thoughts. I looked up and made eye contact with Hua Er.
Was she still here?
"I said alone, Hua Er." I tried not to smile.
"Sorry..." Hua Er mumbled and frolicked away.
It didn't take long for Guan Shu and Hua Er to fall asleep next to each other. I looked down at their peaceful faces and limp bodies. I could have sworn that I only spent five minutes thinking. A gradual smile spread across my face when I thought of their dedication and loyalty to me, something that was a very important value of mine. Loyalty was something I long and strive for... in any type of relationship.
A hard knock on the door caused me to jump.
Did someone want to visit me in the Cold Palace?
Was it the Emperor? I gasped, louder than I thought it would be. Was this him coming to greet me, apologizing to me for the mistake he did? I planned the conversation in my head. I would yell at him, reject him, but beg him to get me out of here.
I quickly walked to the large front door and opened it.
"Carmen." Jaxon nodded, he gave me a quick wink.
I laughed softly and let him in. As he immediately came in, he closed the door as soon as his body is in the building. I slightly leaned my body backwards away from him. "What's the rush?"
"I'm technically not supposed to come in, only to guard," Jaxon explains before coming closer to me. Our bodies involuntarily press together, like unplanned magnets that didn't really want to go with each other but due to science, they had to... "Now that I am here. I would like an explanation."
"Really? Because I thought you'd come here and yell at me about how incompetent I am," I retorted, fixing my posture. "As a matter of fact, I was framed by the Empress herself. So, you have no rights to—"
"I wasn't going to yell at you." Jaxon interrupted before I rambled on.
I inhaled sharply. For unknown reasons, Jaxon always caused me to be moody whenever he was around me.
The eyes of Jaxon continued to stay on me. He didn't take his eyes off of me at all, like I was his prey or something. Creepy, much.
I thought it was rare for Jaxon to not yell at me. I was the main key to getting us out of here, so I wasn't blaming him. He stopped pressuring me, though. I nodded my head, showing that I understood him. "Right... So you are here to... talk to me?"
"Yes, I am here to talk to you," Jaxon held my wrist gently and led me to the small dining table. He sat me down while he stood. "I missed you."
So I told him everything. From Guan Shu's perspective, and mine. I took my time when I explained to him what I've gone through and he looked patient. There were times when he asked questions and I answered, but most of the time, Jaxon stayed silent.
After I finished, Jaxon wrapped his arms around me promptly after. We both didn't say a word. I wasn't asking for any comfort from anyone, but I was happy to bury my face in his chest. Dopamine was racing away in my system. I pulled away hesitantly, knowing that this could lead to something I didn't want.
I had no more love and affection towards the Emperor. He never believed in me, ever. The character of who I am as of now, and who I was before the trial, is the same to him. He never thinks. He never rationalized his thoughts before sending me to the Cold Palace. The love I had for the Emperor disintegrated like sand.
"That bastard," Jaxon muttered under his breath.
"I know," I exhaled the build-up of stress from my body, then wrapping my fingers around the teapot handle. I dragged an empty teacup towards his body. "Tea?"
Jaxon nodded and watched the liquid flow into the cup.
I realised how lucky I was to have the title of Noble Consort. I've never thought about the power I had. It was also a major confidence boost. I lived with such privileges.
I am now a peasant. Kind of. A mere peasant. I would bet my kidney that Niu Lin was gossiping and ridiculing me behind my back, even more than she usually does.
"Stripping me of my title made me realise how ungrateful I am," I spoke softly, realising that I could wake up Guan Shu and Hua Er any second now.
Guan Shu doesn't know about Jaxon and me. I never told her because she never caught us. It was preferable to tell her soon, as now I knew I can fully trust her. I can trust the people around me now. I feel as if I had a strong intuition.
Jaxon gave me a weak smile. "I'm sure it did."
"Don't say my name, idiot, Guan Shu doesn't know about us." I changed the topic.
"Right, when are we going to tell her? I mean, she is one of your loyal—"
"Did you really miss me?" the words spewed out of my mouth so fast, that I could not catch up with it. Desperation was not something I wanted to feel. Jaxon would accompany me more often now in the Cold Palace, and it was easy for anything to happen.
I wanted nothing to happen. Nothing at all.
What I wanted is to leave this place without feeling a longing for love, just the feeling of satisfaction and relief. But when I'm facing Jaxon, inches away from his face, I wanted something from him. I've never asked Jaxon for anything, nor relied on him. Heck, I was the star of this journey. I am the only person who can get us out of here.
After what had happened, I am in a very vulnerable state. The need for people was at its peak, which justifies my sudden distance away from Hua Er and Guan Shu. I'm afraid of exposing what's under my skin. I cried in front of Jaxon before, and I can do it again. I hated to cry, and I hated to cry in front of everyone. I hated being vulnerable.
It's a psychological thing, I know.
"Yes, I did miss you," Jaxon replied before I could even muster another word.
I looked away from him. We were too close to each other. I can feel his body temperature rising. It found its way to wrap itself around me. The last incident where Jaxon caught me red-handed by my panties was a bit scarring. I clenched my jaw.
Jaxon chuckled. "Are you embarrassed? You don't have to be so uptight all the time. Just admit—"
Before he could finish, my lips crashed into his. He realised my eagerness as he hungrily tasted me back as if he wanted to devour me. Our little rendezvous made me feel a sense of guilt. Who cares? The Emperor looked me in the eye and disposed of me like I was a toy he didn't want to play with anymore. I had no admiration for the Emperor. The love I had for him diminished and his place on my mind left as Jaxon's tongue slipped between my parted lips.
A burst of ecstasy crowded my mind.
I focused on Jaxon, and only Jaxon.
He eased my body onto the table without detaching his lips from mine. I felt his weight almost on me. Jaxon's body stayed between my legs, and I was pulsing. Guan Shu and Hua Er could wake up at any moment, but instead of feeling anxious, my arousal was growing.
"What can we possibly do?" Jaxon teased, running his fingers down my hanfu, then gently caressing my inner thigh.
"What you can do is tell me what is possibly going on."
Jaxon and I both snapped our heads in the direction of the voice. Guan Shu stood with her hands on her hips, expressing disappointment by the tone of her voice and the expression of her face. I crunched up towards Jaxon's body. My arms automatically wrapped around his neck while I peeked at Guan Shu behind his shoulders.
Jaxon cleared his throat and side-eyed me for an answer. I tried to hide a smile and scooted off the table to Guan Shu. "Guan Shu... Ja—Lan Yun and I..."
"We're not in a relationship! Or anything... I know I shouldn't have kept this from you but," my voice fainted out at the end until I looked directly into her eyes. "I might... be having an affair?"
I chewed my bottom lip aggressively. I knew Guan Shu was loyal to me, loyal as a dog, but I couldn't predict what Guan Shu would do next. The tense atmosphere made me awkwardly clear my throat. I might have felt guilty for keeping it from Guan Shu, but in the harem, you don't know who to trust.
"His Majesty will not take this well if he finds out," Guan Shu sighed before leaning against the wall. "How long has this been going on? Who already knows?"
Jaxon eased into the conversation gently. "Hua Er and Lei Shu are the only ones who know before you."
"I'm glad that you didn't tell many," Guan Shu sharply exhaled. "Ying Yue, I'm sure you know this secret is safe with me but, I do worry for your safety."
"We've been meeting up secretly and... I think we'll be fine," I mumbled, then looking up at Jaxon for help. "I hope you don't... don't think less of me now that..."
Guan Shu scoffed. "I am proud of you. His Majesty put you in here as if you haven't rescued him and his loved ones constantly! If I were you, I'd do the same!"
One of the reasons why I love Guan Shu was because of her mouth. She spoke the truth and didn't refrain from speaking her mind. A small smile spread on my lips. Guan Shu approached me closer and leaned her face towards my ear. I raised my eyebrows and leaned my ear near her lips.
"His Majesty is handsome, but Lan Yun is quite a catch," she whispers, but loud enough for Jaxon to raise his eyebrows.
He chuckles. "I can hear you."
A beautiful explosion of quiet laughter escaped from our lips. As in the moment of this bonding time, we forgot about what had happened. We talked as if everything was okay. We talked as if everything would resolve itself. The three of us spoke about random topics such as the philosophy of past dynasties, the strangeness of the Empress's and Niu Lin's relationship, and other things involving the Palace.
Many jokes were said, and I suddenly felt like I was back in my chamber when I was still 'Lady Ying Yue.'
"What are you three laughing about?" Hua Er walked towards us nonchalantly, yawning as she spoke.
She plopped herself on the table and rubbed her eyes. Her hair looked like it was in the middle of a rat king. If you do not know what a rat king is, I suggest you not look it up.
Hua Er's eyes widened as she saw Jaxon. Her eyes darted to Guan Shu and then to me. "She knows?"
"Yes, I told her an hour ago," I responded.
Guan Shu whipped her hair back and scowled at Hua Er, then scanning her eyes on the three of us. "I cannot believe you three kept that away from me! Am I not loyal?"
"It was more of a safety precaution. I apologize, Guan Shu." I leaned my head back and closed my eyes.
The thoughts of never going back to the harem made me shudder. My family and friends still await my arrival, although they probably think I'm dead or missing as of now. I wanted to shake the thought out of my head, but I couldn't. I missed the feeling of a phone and the luxurious life of not having to be formal all the time.
If I could wake up again and blink a few times to see my family, I would. This journey back home wasn't a journey, was it? I felt as if Ancient China was just a hotel for me to stay at. Instead of visiting a tourist attraction, I lived in one.
A gentle knock interrupted our time.
I lifted myself up, groaning as I did. "Must be food."
Living here might not be so bad. I'm isolated from the rest of the concubines.
A tinge of sentiments shocked my body, electrifying it to the days where I was once the favoured Noble Consort. Su Yin held a large container with a grim expression on her face. I tilted my head slightly and smiled at her for reassurance, but it was as if she filled herself with pity before she came.
"Milady," I whispered, grinning with fresh tears floating above my lower lash line.
Su Yin shook her head and exploded into a universe of tears. She casually dropped the container and launched herself into my arms. Our bodies pressed against each other. I felt the warmth of our almost merging bodies, and I soon frowned in the presence of her. Su Yin reminded me of the trauma I had faced, that I was still not over it. I could not bear to stay here any longer. I had a short reminisce of Su Yin and I walking and talking in the gardens, and many of the women addressed me with such politeness.
Now that I am here, I can imagine their attitude if I had walked into the harem without my title. I might be treated worse than they treat maids!
"Lady Ying Yue... Sister... I missed you," Su Yin wept and wept in the fabric of my unwashed hanfu. "His Majesty is still running investigations, but they had yet to find anything! I-I don't... I don't want you to stay here forever..."
Su Yin pulled away. "Sister, the Empress made Madame Chang Ying leave because she would have helped you!"
"That, I know of," I replied, wiping her tears with my thumb.
"I'm not letting the Empress get away with this. I can be a mere Imperial Concubine, but I will..." Su Yin declared but stopped as her eyes narrowed behind my frame. She furrowed her eyes and immediately covered her mouth with her palm.
I observed her reaction. "What?"
As I turn around, Jaxon was sitting right in the middle of the setting. Damn it! How stupid was he to do that? I gave him a scolding look, but he knitted his eyebrows in confusion. Jaxon's face was as blank as a fresh canvas and all I wanted to do right now was to shake my head in disbelief.
Hua Er and Guan Shu were in the background, waving frantically at Su Yin, but I knew they did not understand what she had discovered.
Jaxon was right in between you two!
"Why is Lan Yun here?" Su Yin gave me a smug look like she already knew the answer.
I scratched the back of my head and nervously moved closer to her. "Please don't tell anyone. You're the only concubine that knows..."
"I'm just offended that you haven't told me anything! I am your trusted friend and I love you too much to betray you like that," Su Yin held my hands and nodded. "Your secret is safe with me. Besides, many women in the harem have affairs!"
"Thank you. Also, you best not worry," I whispered. "Tomorrow when you arrive, I will already have a plan in mind. The question is, are you able to—"
"Yes!" Su Yin grinned widely. "I will do anything you tell me, sister, just name it! I'm not even allowed to stay here for long!"
I laughed. "You seem way more excited than I intended you to be."
"I certainly am, this is giving me a rush," Su Yin raised a fist in front of her. "Sister Ying Yue, I will not disappoint."
"I know you won't. Thank you for the food." I gave her one last reassuring hug and picked up the container she carelessly dropped.