chapter playlist ⏯
• angel - finneas
• since we're alone - niall horan
• us - james bay & alicia keys
———
a couple weeks later
gemma clark <<<
me
helllloooooo
shawn
what
me
i called and you didn't answer :(
shawn
sorry. been busy.
Then my phone rang, and I answered it immediately.
"Hey," I said. "If you're busy then this can totally be postponed. It's not—"
"Well, you called and texted me, so obviously it's important," he replied, but not in a very joke-y way. Jeez. He must be pretty stressed out to snap at me.
"I just wanted to talk, because we haven't talked all day. I didn't know you were busy. I sincerely apologize. I'll just try again later," I said, and I hung up before he could say anything. I know he didn't mean to be rude, but it still hurt my feelings a little bit. I just wanted to talk. I obviously didn't mean to make him upset.
When my phone rang a few seconds later, I knew it was him. I decided to be the bigger person and get over it.
"I'm sorry," he said when I answered. "This has just been the most stressful day of my life and everyone always wants something from me and I'm exhausted. I'm sorry for snapping. All I want is to talk with you."
"It's okay," I replied. It was. "Is now actually a good time? Don't do anything for my sake."
"It's a good time," he told me. Then he sighed. "I just want to be home with you."
"I want that, too. It feels like I haven't seen you in years," I replied. I'm so dramatic.
"It's been three days, Gem," he said. And he had a point.
"But I completely get it," he added. "I've been missing you since the moment I left."
What a sweetie.
"Aw," I said. "Someone's gotta crush."
He chuckled. "I have a huge crush. Being away from my crush sucks."
I giggled, so pathetically satisfied with being called his crush. The guy has literally said that he loves me and that he would die for me, yet being called his crush really strikes my fancy.
He sighed. "I guess we should get used to all this, though."
"Why?" I asked. I really hope not.
"Because in the fall, you'll be in New York and I'll be on tour and we'll never see each other," he explained.
I frowned. "I never said I was going to New York."
"Oh come on, Gem. Obviously you are. You don't have to keep pretending that you haven't made up your mind yet. It's cool," he told me.
It's cool. Like it's that simple.
"Are you...do you..."
I was going to ask something along the lines of "is it actually cool or are you just saying that for me?" but I decided against it.
"I'm still not a hundred percent sure," I said, which was sort of true. Who knows what could change?
"But you're sure enough," he replied. "I'm happy for you, Gem; I really am. It's gonna suck, but it's nothing we can't get through. I'll be gone anyway, so it's not even that big of a deal."
It was sweet of him to say that, and it was nice to hear it. However, I still have my concerns. I mean, sure, he'll be on tour for a while next year, but not for the full two years I'm going to live there. But it makes us feel better now, so I'm not going to bring that up.
He's right, though; it's nothing we can't get through. I have the utmost faith in him.
"You're sure you're completely fine with it?" I asked him, looking out the window in my room. "Because we're in this together, and your feelings matter way more than any stupid school does."
He didn't reply right away, which made me nervous. Obviously I want him to be honest, but I also just want him to say he's fine with it, so everything feels a little easier.
"You know what...can we have this conversation over dinner? A FaceTime date, perhaps?" he asked, sounding a little distracted. "I'm just not going to be able to talk as long as I want to, and I don't want this to be interrupted, ya know?
"Yeah. Okay," I replied. I sat on my bed, and looked at my sheets, remembering a couple weeks ago when we were both laying underneath them, sick as ever. I never thought I'd say it, but I miss that. Being sick and with him is better than being well and away from him.
"I want nothing more than to just keep talking to you," he said. "But...alas."
"We must part," I replied with a small smile. "Until dinner. What time do you wanna eat?"
"Six-thirty? Your time? That's only a couple more hours to wait," he suggested.
"Sounds incredible," I replied, my excitement for this event growing more and more. "What are we dining on?"
"Whatever you want," he said. "We don't have to eat the same thing, you know."
"Isn't it more fun that way, though?" I asked, and he laughed a little.
"If you say so," he replied. "Text me and let me know what we're having, okay? I've got to go."
"Okay, will do. Love you," I said.
"Love you, too, Clark. See you soon."
And with that, we hung up, and the only thing on my mind was six-thirty.
———
later
gemmaclark
gemmaclark having a facetime date with my boyfriend in five minutes. i'm very excited. i put on makeup and did my hair and everything. do you think he'll notice???
load more comments
edithjonesharrison how is this level of perfection even attainable? just wondering
shawnmendes update: he definitely noticed
———
"Finally alone," he said, sounding slightly breathless. I watched him collapse on the bed in his hotel room. He hasn't even looked at the camera yet.
"Tired?" I asked. He didn't even respond.
He lifted the camera up so I could see his face, and he yawned. Then he looked at me.
"Holy shit, Gemma," he said, sitting up. "Look at you."
"What?" I asked, totally reaching for compliments. I don't even think he realized my desperation.
"You look...amazing," he replied. "I mean, you always look amazing, this is just a different type of amazing."
I chuckled. "I'll take it."
"I don't mean it like..." he said, trailing off.
"I know what you meant," I replied, knowing what he was going to do and trying to avoid it.
"Sorry. I'm not very good with words. Not like you, at least."
I smiled. "You do have a way with words. Even Michael Jordan missed a shot every once in a while."
He shook his head and smiled. "Whatever, Gemma. My point is that you look totally hot and that's the only way I know how to put it."
I couldn't help but laugh.
"Thanks. I thought I'd try to look good, since this is a date and all," I replied, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
"Oh. I didn't get the memo about looking good," he said, running his fingers through his messy hair. It was still perfect.
"Please. You always look good," I told him. "It takes effort for some of us, ya know."
He rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, Gem. Either way, you look incredible."
I smiled. Maybe I should try and look nice more often.
"I wish I was there," I replied, not being able to help myself. Being alone with him right now sounds absolutely heavenly.
"Me too," he said. "What I would do to you if you were here, Gemma Clark."
I blushed and smiled to myself. "You'll have to tell me about it."
"I will," he replied. "After we eat. I'm actually starving."
"Deal," I said.
We just talked about normal stuff while we ate, but I knew that we were going to talk about New York again eventually. That was the whole point of this, actually. It made me nervous,
because I'm scared he's going to say he doesn't want me to go or something like that.
After we ate, I migrated to my bed and he migrated to his, and it was almost like we were together, except not really at all. It felt nice to just be mutually at peace, though. I literally spent half an hour putting this makeup on just to eat pasta and lay in bed. I don't regret it, though.
"I have poetry to give you when you get home," I told him.
He smiled. "Good. You've been so busy lately that I almost thought you weren't going to write me anymore."
I pretended to be offended that he even thought that. "As if I could ever. You are too good a muse to just stop writing about."
"Well, I'm excited to read it," he said. "If I ever get to come home."
"Sunday, right?" I asked, just to confirm.
"Sunday," he replied. "Three more days."
I sighed. "I'm just going to hibernate until you get back. Life is so pointless without you in it."
He chuckled. "How are you going to survive New York when you can't even make it a week without me?"
He has a point. There may be times where I go weeks without seeing him. I can't even stand the thought of months.
"Don't remind me," I said. "It's going to be such a challenge."
"Yeah," he said, his voice trailing off.
He had his phone camera facing towards the ceiling, so I couldn't see his face, which was a good and bad thing. It's better to not have to look at someone's face while you're having a tough conversation. Just like it's easier to fight over text. I find it a lot harder to say anything hurtful when he's standing right in front of me. Because when I look at him, I'm so strongly reminded of every thing I adore about him; it makes it challenging to try and prove him wrong.
"Please tell me if it bothers you," I told him. "Like, I know you want me to do what I want to do, but I don't want to do something that you're not okay with. You know?"
He picked him his phone and made it so I was looking right at his face, that perfect face that I never want to be three thousand miles away from. Am I making the wrong decision here?
He sighed. "Look, I'll be honest: the thought of you moving three thousand miles away makes me want to cry," he said, which made me feel so terrible. "I don't know what I'm going to do every night without you to cuddle and watch movies with. Or how I'm going to get back to sleep without your three a.m. sleepy tea. Or how I'm even going to fall asleep in the first place without you to hold."
These are all pretty much parts of our daily lives, given we're both in town. We pretty much never go out, for obvious reasons, so most of our nights are spent in, watching movies, playing music, cooking, eating, sleeping. Even though we don't live together and both have our own places, we pretty much don't spend the night apart if we don't have to. So, we pretty much live together.
"But it would break my heart to see you miss out on an amazing opportunity for my sake," he said. "Plus, it's only temporary. And I'll still be able to call or text you anytime and see your beautiful face." He smiled a little.
It makes me happy that he's optimistic, because he tends to be pessimistic in situations like this. I don't know if he really is optimistic or if he's just putting up a front for my sake, but he seemed genuine, which made me feel hopeful.
"I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I think it'll be manageable," he said. "And I want you to go. One hundred percent."
I was hesitant to say anything. Am I...am I really going to New York? Now that it actually seems to be real, I can't even believe it. A full scholarship to NYU. How the hell did I manage to get that?
"Well..." I said, avoiding his eyes. "I guess I'm going to New York, then."
He grinned, making my heart happy. "I guess you are, smarty-pants."
I looked at him for second, still very surprised that this wonderful human being is the person I have the privilege of knowing better than anyone else and loving more than anyone else. My luck is absolutely insane.
"I'm not trying to get all lovey-dovey—" I started, and he groaned.
"Please don't."
"—but thank you. For supporting me in everything and encouraging me to take chances and just being the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. I love you very, very much."
He smiled, and I smiled, and it was a good moment.
"I love you very, very much, as well, Gemma," he replied. "The least I can do is support you. You're the reason that I'm happy. You're the reason that I even smile."
I blushed, which is stupid. "Oh, come on. You have lots of other reasons to smile."
"Yeah, but if I didn't have you, I don't think I'd see the world the same," he said. "You're like, the sun, and all the other things in my life that make me happy are like planets. If the sun isn't there, then the planets can't move, and if they can't move, then I'm not happy. Does that make sense?"
It didn't really, but I understood what he was saying. It was a sweet sentiment.
"Definitely," I replied. "I completely get it, and that's very true. Nothing feels right if things between us aren't right."
He nodded. "Exactly. Everything means nothing."
I made a mental note that I need to write poetry based off this moment. I need to write more poetry, period.
"But I've got you. And you've got me. And things are really nice," I said with a smile, making him smile, too.
"See? You made me smile," he told me.
"Only because you made me smile first," I replied defensively.
"This is exactly what I was trying to avoid," he said. "Arguing over who made who smile first. We're literally disgusting."
I laughed. "I totally agree. I'm about to vomit."
"But still," he said.
"Still."
We were both quiet, and I looked at the time. 10:32.
"It's really late where you are," I said, internally cursing time zones. "You probably need to go to bed."
"Nah. I just wanna stay up and talk with you," he said.
"I don't even know what else to say," I said. "I feel like we talk about everything."
"Well, I'll do the talking," he replied. "Just lay down, Gem. I know you had a long day. You can just fall asleep; I won't mind."
I did have a long day. School, then work, then book stuff. But I'm sure it wasn't near as long as his. However, if he's telling me to lay down, then I'll do it.
"Okay. You talk," I said softly. I'd love for him to talk.
"Okay," he replied. "Sometimes I just need to start talking. And then the lyrics will come to me. But I have to get inspired first. And you're here, so it's perfect."
"What am I supposed to say?" I asked.
"Whatever you want. Or nothing at all," he replied. "It's a very loose process."
I smiled and laid down in my bed, pulling the covers up to my chin, then propped my phone up on a pillow and turned on my side. He did the same. It sorta felt like we were together.
"Forgive me, because I'm a little deliriously tired," he said.
"Maybe you should go to bed, then," I told him.
"Nope. You're more important to me, Gem," he told me, which was sweet in theory, but I just wanted him to get some sleep.
"Okay. Whatever."
"I'm an artist, and art has to be inspired, and you're the perfect person to inspire me," he said.
"You need to get inspired at midnight?" I asked skeptically.
"I just need to get inspired in general, Gemma. Can you just let me do my thing?" he asked, and I sighed.
"Sorry. Please do your thing," I told him.
"Okay. Gemma Clark," he began, somewhat dramatically. "Um...let me think. I love you."
I laughed. "I love you, too. Is this inspiring?"
"Things take time, Gem."
"My bad."
"Anyway," he started. "I've never loved anyone the way I loved you. I guess I never knew what love really was until I met you."
There's no way I'm falling asleep during this.
"I mean, there were girls before you that I liked and I guess I thought I could fall in love with them, and maybe I even told them that I was in love with them. But now, I know I wasn't. There is only one girl I've ever been in love with, one girl I've ever loved enough to want to be with her forever. There's only one girl I would pass up every other girl in the world for," he said. And then he yawned.
"Who's that girl?" I asked blissfully. I can't believe I get to be that girl. The girl he wants to be with forever. The very thought makes my head spin in the best possible way.
He smiled. "I'm glad you asked. Because the thing about this girl is that I want to talk about her all the time. Whenever I'm having a conversation with anyone, I'm just waiting for her name to come up, and if it doesn't, I just bring it up myself. I just want to tell everyone how incredible she is: how smart she is, how kind she is, how talented she is, how loving she is. How perfect she is for me."
He hasn't said her name yet. Maybe that's the point. Maybe it's supposed to be suspenseful.
"She can't be that great," I said. "I mean, she's just a girl."
"She's not just a girl," he responded, as if he was offended by that. "I don't even think she's human. She's more like an angel."
I rolled my eyes, even though I was quite flattered. "Isn't she a lot of work, though? Doesn't she have all this emotional baggage that she's been carrying around for years? Why would you, a world famous superstar, even waste your time with that? I mean, couldn't you have anyone?"
He gave me a look, like are you serious? But I just wanted to hear what he had to say. I obviously know he loves me for me and he doesn't care about all that stuff.
"Don't get mad at me," I added. "I'm trying to inspire you, remember?"
He looked like he still didn't like the question.
"Well, she's...she's a lot more than all that," he said softly. "She's been through a lot worse than me, a lot worse than a lot of people, and the fact that she holds it together as well as she does is really impressive."
He paused for a second. "And...I love her. I'd stick around through anything because I love her, and you can't change who you love."
Okay. I liked that answer.
"And for the record, even if I could have anyone," he said, smiling a little. "I'd still choose you."
My heart melted in my chest, and I decided that I loved him a little more than I did thirty seconds ago.
"You are truly as good as it gets, Shawn," I told him, not being able to stop smiling.
"That's because we're soulmates. Duh."
I had to laugh a little. "Whatever we are, I'm very thankful that you're mine."
"Yeah. Ditto."
———
three days later
me
guess who's going to NYU next semester?
isaac
does it happen to be new york times bestselling author gemma clark?
me
it's just gemma clark, actually
me
wait
me
you are joking, right?
isaac
i'm afraid not. unfortunately, you are a new york times bestselling author
me
WHAT
me
HOW
me
WHEN
isaac
1. your book is a new york times bestseller
2. to put it into simple terms, lots of people like your book and are buying your book
3. i was just notified a few minutes ago
me
i can't believe this
me
holy cow
isaac
i knew you were going to do great things, but they're happening a lot faster than i originally thought
isaac
congratulations, gemma. you should be very proud. this is no easy feat.
me
thanks, isaac. literally couldn't have done it without you.
isaac
you have a point
isaac
next time you're in new york, we're celebrating
me
sounds like a plan
isaac
good. i'll let you know if anything else happens. maybe next you'll win the Nobel Peace Prize.
me
haha very funny
isaac
anyway—NYU is officially a go?
me
yup. had a good long talk with the boyfriend and he's all for it. he wants me to chase my dreams or whatever
isaac
a good man
me
a great man. so yeah. i guess i'm going
isaac
that's great to hear. you're going to love it, i promise.
me
i hope i do. i'm so excited!!
isaac
you should be. this is a huge step for your career, gemma. many more bestsellers are to come from you, i'm sure of it.
me
we'll see about that. thanks for having faith in me, though
isaac
that's what editorial directors are for, right?
me
right.
me
okay, gotta go. keep me posted on the Nobel Peace Prize pls
isaac
always a comedian, gemma clark
———
a few hours later
I decided to not tell Shawn about my bestselling book, since his flight was due only a few hours after I heard the news. Telling him in person would be way more fun.
I was ready for him. I cleaned the apartment to immaculacy, put on make-up, curled my hair, lit candles, bought a bottle of wine, and put on a Spotify playlist I titled "romantic" as background music. Everything was in place to be perfect. I just need him to not bail on me, be in a good mood, and not fall asleep ten minutes in. That's a lot to ask, but it's what I really want. Need, almost.
He agreed to stay the night at my place, and I was buzzing in anticipation, checking my phone every ten seconds to see if there was a "on my way" text. I couldn't help but be so excited. I get to see him again and touch him again. Going over a week without touching your own boyfriend does something to a person.
My phone buzzed. My heart jumped.
shawn
on my way. can't wait to see you!!!!!
I smiled to myself and stared at the message for a couple seconds. I'm a very big fan of that kid.
And then I waited even more impatiently for the next text, then one that said almost there! or should be about five minutes.
That text came what felt like centuries later.
shawn
five more minutes max
me
:D
shawn
haha. that made me smile
And then finally, finally, finally, there was a knock at the door.
When I swung open the door, there he was, in all of his glory. He looked absolutely perfect. Not a single hair on his head was out of place.
Before he could even say anything, I took his face in my hands and kissed him, making up for my seven days of abstinence. He definitely caught my vibe. His arms wrapped around my waist and we stumbled back into my apartment, closing the door behind him.
The energy was electric, right off the bat, and I was really hoping that we would let this go on for a while, despite the fact that we haven't even spoken yet. We talked so much while he was gone. We didn't make out, though; not even once.
We fell onto the couch laughing. My heart was utterly full. Each touch was better than the last, and he seemed to know exactly what I wanted.
"I'm sorry. We can talk, if you want," I said, looking into his eyes. I could be hypnotized if I look too long.
He brushed my hair behind my ear. "No. This is perfect. I mean, all we've done for the past week is talk. This is what I want to be doing."
I smiled. He smiled. It was perfect. It was like he never even left.
And we kissed for a long time, which was all I wanted. It was easy. Things are easy with him.
We finally stopped when Since We're Alone by Niall Horan began to play, to which I insisted he dance with me, because it was a song that he said reminded him of me, and that's stuck with me since he told me. Naturally, I know every single word.
"Since we're alone,
Yeah, you can show me your heart.
If you put it all in my hand, oh I swear,
No, I won't break it apart.
Since we're alone,
Show me all that you are.
And if you get lost in the light
It's okay, I can see in the dark."
It's not a slow song, so our dancing was a little all over the place, but it was perfect. He held my hands and sang to me, spinning me around every once in a while, making me laugh. He pulled me in close for the next part, as if it was extra important. I shut my mouth and let him sing for a moment.
"Why would you wanna play someone else?
I love you best when you're just yourself.
Yeah, you're everything I want."
I grinned, then kissed him quickly before taking his hands again to continue, since the song was only halfway over. There's a lot more to enjoy.
"This is one of the most moments where I could be convinced to marry you. Like, right now," he said. There was a little twinkle in his eye that made me believe him.
"If I wasn't such an over-thinker, I'd totally go for that," I said, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"Yeah. Same," he replied. "Still. I could be convinced."
"Are you proposing to me right now?" I asked with a smile.
He shrugged. "Like I said: I could be convinced, Gemma Clark."
"Well, I do have a bottle of wine. That might convince both of us," I told him, and he laughed.
"Perfect," he said. "By the time that bottle is empty, we might be engaged."
I laughed, shaking my head at the insanity of the thought. Theoretically, what if he asked me to marry him right now? I know he obviously won't, but what if? Like, I want to marry him, but I don't want to right now. But would I say no? I mean, if I want to marry him in three years, why not just to do it now?
Good thing he doesn't actually want to get married now, because I don't know what I'd say.
The song ended and we both retired to the couch. I was actually pretty tired. It's been an eventful half-hour.
"Oh, Gem," he said, pulling me close to him. I leaned against his chest as he wrapped his arm around me. His heart was beating really fast.
"I don't know how we're going to survive. We're going to be apart for months," he said softly Don't remind me. I barely survived this week.
"I know," I said, my voice small. "We don't have any other choice, though."
"Yeah," he replied with a sigh. "We don't. It's just going to suck."
"Think of how good it will feel to be reunited after a whole month. This was only seven days and I feel like I'm on Cloud Nine right now," I said, and he smiled a little.
"Good point. I guess we'll have that to look forward to," he said. "I'm sorry for bringing it up. I just can't help but get sad about it. I don't want to bring you down."
"Nah. You could never bring me down. You're back and we have a whole night to ourselves. Nothing could make this night bad," I said.
"Nothing?" he asked.
I shook my head confidently. "Nothing."
"Okay. Well, I'll give you a challenge," he said. I furrowed my eyebrows, confused about what he meant.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
He sighed. "The Summer of Us is getting cut a little short."
I frowned. "What do you mean?" I asked again.
"I have to leave a month early for tour. Now it's August, not September," he said.
My heart sank. Well no—this is not the end of the world. We still have a lot of summer. Sure, a whole month getting knocked out definitely sucks, but there's still time. Things will still be good.
"That's okay," I replied, trying to appear unbothered and positive. "There's still a lot of summer to do whatever we want."
He smiled sympathetically. "You don't always have to be so...sunshiney. You can just say, okay, that really sucks, because it does."
"Okay. That really sucks," I repeated. He's right. It does suck.
"I really mean it, though. It'll be okay," I told him.
He nodded. "I know it will. It's just another inconvenience."
"We're used to it."
"Yeah," he agreed. "We are."
I sat up, his sad face making me feel sad, too. I know he feels like all this separation is all his fault, but I don't think he gets that I understand. This is his life and I signed up to be a part of it, and none of these circumstances that we can't control could drive me away.
"Well, there's a lot of night left, and it still feels pretty perfect to me," I said, smiling at him, trying to get him to be happy like me.
"Agreed," he replied. "What now?"
"Well, we could watch a movie, or do some more dancing, or, I don't know, you could kiss me again, or..."
"Oh, Gemma," he said, shaking his head. "You can just say you want me, ya know. You don't have to be all discreet about the fact that you want to have sex with me. The feeling is quite mutual."
I felt my face turn the brightest of reds. "I never said...I just wanted you to kiss me, for crying out loud!"
He laughed. "But that's not what you really want."
"Whatever helps you sleep at night," I replied. I mean, he was right in a way, but I really just wanted him to kiss me. Sometimes that's all I need. Besides, there's plenty of night left.
So he kissed me, just like I wanted, and it never really escalated into much. It was very nice.
And so that went on for a while, until my back hurt from laying against the arm of the couch. It was almost midnight when we finally cracked into that bottle of wine and sat on the living room floor, because that's just what you do when it's midnight and you just finished making out and you're opening a bottle of wine. There are just rules you have to follow.
"Oh!" I exclaimed. "I almost forgot. I have news."
He sipped from his glass and looked at me curiously. "What kind of news?"
"News about me," I replied.
He smiled. "My favorite kind of news. So, what is it?"
I sat up and leaned in a little, like it was a secret. I don't know why I did it.
"My book is officially a New York Times Bestseller," I told him. I tried not to grin because I didn't want to seem too excited, but I really couldn't stop myself. Especially when he broke into a big smile.
"What? You're kidding," he said, and I shook my head.
"I'm not."
"Gemma! Holy shit! Congratulations," he said, pulling me in for a hug, then kissing the top of my head.
I smiled. "Thank you."
He just looked at me for a moment.
"I never thought I'd be dating a New York Times Bestselling author," he said, shaking his head. "Wow."
"Well, I never thought I'd be dating a superstar-slash-the hottest guy ever, but apparently, dreams do come true," I replied, making him roll his eyes.
"I love how you see me for who I really am on the inside," he said sarcastically.
"I mean, I like who you are on the inside, too. I just like the outside more," I joked.
He pushed himself away from me.
"Obviously I'm joking," I said, meaning it.
"Yeah, yeah."
I set my empty glass on the coffee table and pulled my knees to my chest, watching him look at his phone and sip his drink. He remained oblivious for quite a few moments.
When he noticed me, he put his phone down and tilted his head to the side. "Can I help you?"
I shook my head. "I just like looking at you. I'm a big fan of your looks."
He laughed a little and finished his drink. "Ditto."
We both just sat there, looking at each other and being all smiley. So cringey.
"You said on the phone that you wrote me a new poem," he said, looking at me then at the floor.
"I may have," I replied. I definitely did. "I'll show it to you if you play me one of your songs. Something I've never heard before."
He groaned. "That's not really fair, Gem."
"It doesn't have to be one that's about me. I just want to hear something," I said, trying to hold onto my chance here. "Pretty please."
He didn't say anything else; he just got up and went to my room, then emerged with my guitar. I smiled. This is all I ever want.
"This song," he said, sitting back down across from me, "is something I wrote when you were still dating Jake. I even thought about playing it for you as a way to confess my feelings."
His face turned a little red, which was so totally adorable.
"That's literally so sweet," I said, sort of wishing that could have happened.
He smiled a little. "That would have been super lame and I'm very thankful I didn't do it."
I frowned.
"Anyway, this song is about you and I don't know if I'll ever do anything with it. You can let me know if I should," he told me. I knew I would love it. I can't believe he's had a song about me this whole time and has never played it for me. Makes me wonder how many he hasn't played for me.
He strummed a few chords, and I gazed adoringly as he did. I just gaze adoringly at him whenever he plays me something. It's all so perfect.
"It's not that I'm afraid I'm not enough for her
It's not that I can't find the words to say
But when she's with him, she seems happier
And I don't want to take that away."
I love it already. It's weird that there was a time where I wasn't his and he was writing songs about me. That totally trips me up. Still, I'm grateful for it.
"How many times can I see your face?
How many times will you walk away?
I just have to let you know."
I can't.
"I'm not tryna start a fire, with this flame
But I'm worried that your heart might feel the same
And I have to be honest with you, baby
Tell me if I'm wrong, and this is crazy
But I got you this rose
And I need to know
Will you let it die or let it grow?
Die or let it go?"
I melted. I can't even believe that I am dating this boy who literally writes songs about me that are so good. God, if he had played this for me to "confess his feelings," I would have broken up with Jake on the spot, no question. Well, I probably would have done that if he confessed his feelings in any way, actually.
"It's not that I don't care about the love you have
It's not that I don't want to see you smile
But there's no way that he can feel the same
'Cause when I think of you my mind goes wild
How many times can I see your face?
How many times will you walk away?
I just have to let you know."
He looked up at me for a second, and I was just looking at him in awe. I can't help it. He smiled and looked away quickly.
"I'm not tryna start a fire, with this flame
But I'm worried that your heart might feel the same
And I have to be honest with you, baby
Tell me if I'm wrong, and this is crazy
But I got you this rose
And I need to know
Will you let it die or let it grow?"
This is so good this is so good this is so good.
While I was getting treated like shit by Jake, there was a boy writing this song about me. I feel so bad. Oh my gosh, I need to stop thinking and just listen.
"You can tell me to stop, if you already know
Though I'm not sure my heart can take it
But the look on your face says, don't let me go."
He looked at me, and I looked at him, and I felt something. Something more than the usual I'm in love with this guy. It felt like something clicked. But I don't know what it was. I couldn't tell if he felt it, too. He looked away.
"I'm not tryna start a fire, with this flame
But I'm worried that your heart might feel the same
And I have to be honest with you baby
Tell me if I'm wrong, and this is crazy
But I got you this rose
And I need to know
Will you let it die or let it go?
Will you let it die or let it go?"
When he was done, I kissed him, which is typically my reaction to someone writing a song about how much they want to be with me. I grinned as we separated and he grinned, too.
"You liked it?" he asked, as if me not liking it was even a possibility.
"I loved it. Like, so much. You're incredible," I told him. "Except, why did it take you like, a year to finally play this for me? The fact that you are just keeping amazing things like that away from me is insane."
He shrugged. "It's not as easy as it seems. Like, thousands of people is no big deal, but playing a song for you that I literally wrote about you is very frightening for me."
I get it. I'm being selfish. I should just be grateful he ever played it for me.
"Okay, well, it was beautiful and perfect and if you could play it for me again sometime tonight that'd be great," I said, making him chuckle.
"We'll see," he replied, which was good enough for me.
He got so sick and tired of me asking him to play the last song he wrote for me, Memories, that he recorded a video of him playing and singing it and sent it to me, and I've watched it almost every day for the past three months. No joke.
"You know, you never play anything for me, and I know you can sing," he said, putting his guitar down.
"I don't have any songs to play you. And I really can't sing. And I'm not that good at guitar," I replied, which were all true statements.
"Lies," he said, shaking his head. "But, I digress. It's your turn. Poetry, please."
I rolled my eyes and went to get it from my notebook in my bedside drawer. I tore it out and scanned over it for spelling errors. There were none.
I folded it as I walked back to him, making it as tiny as possible.
"Here," I said, handing it over to him. "Please don't read it now. Save it."
He gave me a look. It just makes me feel really awkward when he reads a poem that I wrote in front of me. I guess I'm a hypocrite, since I acted like it was insane for him to not want to play his song for me.
"You know, if I was in a different mood, I might object, but I respect your wishes," he said, making me a smile. He put it in his pocket.
"Thank you," I said. "I do have to warn you, though: it's not my best work."
"Oh, shut up," he replied. "I can't wait to read it."
I blushed. Idiot.
"It's really relieving that I still make your face turn all red," he said with a satisfied smile. "I've still got it."
I chuckled. He'll probably make me blush for forever.
"I don't think it'll ever wear off," I told him. "I think I'll always be a blushing fool around you."
"That would certainly boost my self-confidence."
"If you need a self-confidence boost, just give me ten minutes and your undivided attention," I replied. I could go in forever about how amazing he is, but I think I could condense it into a ten minute spiel if needed.
He laughed. "I'll keep that in mind."
I smiled.
Our night went on normally. We watched A Few Good Men, one of my favorite movies, mostly because it's a fantastic movie but also because it stars a very attractive Tom Cruise, who I could definitely stand to look at for two hours. After that, we decided it was time for bed, and made our way to my room, where we actually didn't end up going to sleep until an hour later. I didn't really mind.
I knew I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes open for long, so I said what I needed to say quickly before I didn't have the chance.
"I love you," I told him. "And I'm very thankful that you're here with me again."
He rolled over to face me, and then kissed me. "I love you too, Gem. I'm very thankful to be back. Everything feels right again."
I smiled and he kissed me one last time before turning off the lamp and rolling over onto his side, his back facing mine.
And he was right. Everything felt right again.
———
shawn mendes >>>
I waited until I was sure Gemma was asleep. It didn't take long, because she's a pretty heavy sleeper when she's exhausted, and I know for a fact that is very exhausted. I had set her poem on the nightstand so that I could read it after she fell asleep. The time is right.
I unfolded the piece of paper, then took my phone and dimly lit the page enough that I could see what it said.
just call me when you can
and tell me when you land
there's miles in between
it's farther than it seems
i'm crying in my room
i can't stop missing you
oh can you please come home
'cause i'm feeling all alone
i'm losing all my faith
and counting down the days...
but then i see you.
you're home.
i'm kissing you again
the best it's ever been
i'm holding on too tight
we're smiling way too wide
we're laughing really loud
yes things feel better now
just stay the night with me
and we don't have to sleep
the distance falls away
now everything's okay
you're always mine. no matter where we are.
- clark
I read it two more times through, then folded it back up and stuffed it inside my phone case. I laid back down like I had never sat up. She is absolutely unreal. I really do want to marry this girl. Maybe not now, but I know she's the one I'll marry, whenever that time may come.
I just don't see it. I don't see where this could go wrong. The thought of me not feeling this way about her is absolutely insane. The thought of her not smiling that Gemma Clark smile at me is insane. I just don't see how we could fall apart, even if there are three thousand miles between us. I just don't see it.
New York will be fine. Tour will be fine. I believe in us.
———
keeping it brief for the sake of cohesion. it'll make sense. anyway, thank you for reading <3