It was a slap in his face – the thought that she wanted to get rid of their child. As usual, she was being selfish. The temptation to yell back was absolutely there; the frustration was tearing him up. However, after all the fights they'd gone through, he knew better. Staying calm would calm her down too.
"You just discovered you're pregnant, baby, at least sleep a night on it before you make a decision." He laid a hand on the small of her back, subtly leading her to the couch.
She didn't exactly cooperate – all her muscles were tense. "I don't have to sleep on anything! Why the hell would I change my mind!"
The words cut through his heart. He tried to keep his calmness by paying attention to his breathing, putting a lot of effort in sounding reasonable instead of angry: "Because it would hurt me, Alex."
She rolled her eyes. "Don't be so dramatic."
A disbelieving laugh rolled over his lips. "You think I'm the one being dramatic? You smashed up your bathroom!"
Like a stubborn child she pulled up her shoulders. He pushed her towards the couch, sat down on it and pulled her on his lap. Immediately she tried to get away from him, but he wrapped a strong arm around her.
"No. Sit."
Angrily she turned around, trying to hit him in the face with her elbow. He however knew her well enough to be prepared, grabbing her lower arm.
"Enough, Alex. Hitting me is gettin' you nowhere."
"Just stay the fuck away from me, asshole!"
"That's not what you want. Not really. The only times you get this aggressive is when you panic, when you're afraid to cry."
She yanked her arm, kicked his ankles. As vicious as she was, she was still a girl and he was stronger than her. The look on her face told him the fight inside her head was exhausting her. In the end, her arms slumped down and she bent her head in defeat. Juice wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against his chest. She pressed her cheek against his chest and he heard how she started to follow his breathing.
At least ten minutes passed before Alex looked up skittishly. He gave her an encouraging smile. She looked away, but her fingers laced with his. "I don't know how you put up with me," she said quietly.
"Well it took a while before I figured out your instruction manual, but I think I get it now." He cupped her jaw with his hand, forcing her face upwards so he could look her in the eye. "We're in a relationship, remember? We're in this together. Whatever we decide."
She nodded slowly, briefly looking into his eyes. "I really don't want to keep it Juice."
He tried to keep control of his disappointment. The idea that he would lose a son or a daughter before it was born, stung. Even if it was so little. He was sure he would look different at little kids now; time and again he would wonder what his own kid would have looked like. "You have only a few months left before you're prospecting period is over, Alex. You made many sacrifices, but is your top rocker really the only thing that matters? A kid can give you so much joy... I know that you're scared to live without a goal in your life. But this would be a wonderful new goal, right?"
"What, playing mommy and daddy?" she snorted. "No thanks."
"But what do you want?" he asked.
"I dunno. I'll see what comes my way."
"This comes your way, Alex."
She looked up to him and kept his glance. Her jaws clenched. "Be honest, Juice. Can you really picture me with a pram?"
"Almost all of my brothers have been pushing a pram at some point in their life. Why wouldn't you?"
She bit the ring in her lip, searching for an answer. "That's different," she said eventually. "They don't have to care for it all day long."
"Neither have you. We can work things out. There are many croweaters who love to babysit."
"You want your kid to be raised by a whore?" she huffed.
He shrugged his shoulders. "I'm sure I banged more different people than most croweaters. Does that make me a bad father?"
Alex had no comeback. His thumb brushed her cheek before he moved it to her lip.
"I love you Alex. I don't want to talk you out of this, but please promise me that if you really want to do an abortion, you won't do it behind my back. Let us go there together. But please, think a little longer about it before you make the decision."
"I don't know what there is to think about," she muttered, studying her fingers.
"You're scared," he stated. "You're terrified. But I know you Alex. You never let the fear stop you. On the contrary: fear is always motivating you, it gives you strength. I just don't want you to consider yourself as a coward. Once you've done it, there's no way back."
She closed her eyes. A single tear slipped down her cheek.
It broke his heart to be confronted by her brokenness again. He wished his love could heal her wounds, but it wasn't that easy. He moved his lips to her cheek, catching the drop with them. His touch made her shiver.
"I know you've been on your own for a long time; that it was up to you to take care of your little brother. Maybe you even blame yourself for his death, because he might never have ended up in an MC if you had done things differently. But Kip was a great guy, Alex, and I believe that's your doin'. You have a great influence on other people, even when you can't see it yourself. Without you... Without you I would have died. Kozik would have died. Rita would have died."
As he mentioned Rita's name, her hand glided to her stomach. She stared at it.
"It's my fault her baby died. Don't you think it's cruel if I get what she lost because of me?"
"Being the reason another kid doesn't grow up is cruel too," he answered softly.
She flinched, the words hit her hard.
He regretted his words and tried to explain them. "You know... We've been so close to death. You. Me. We lost people, love you lost so many people. Doesn't that make you... want to respect life?"
"You mean I shouldn't ruin another life?" She sounded bitter.
"No. You had nothing to do with your parent's death, nor with Kip's, or Piney's, or Opie's. But those have been taken from you. I just don't want you... to lose more. That we – that we lose more."
Finally, she looked up. Tears were shining in her eyes. "You really think I can be a good mom, Juice?"
"Yes," he answered without feeling a shred of doubt. "You're the most bad ass woman I've ever met, Alex. I believe that you will protect your child, your family, at all costs. That you will do everything that is possible to give your kid the things you missed. Yeah – I know you have anger issues. But you shouldn't forget about the life you're living. For almost a year you let the world believe that you're a guy. That does something to you, it causes a lot of stress. Once we have this little one, that stress will be gone. You will just be Alex. Alex Epps." His cheeks flushed as he raised her hand, planting a kiss on her ring finger. "Alex Ortiz, one day, I hope."
She turned around so her upper body was facing his. Her fingers slightly brushed his neck, causing goosebumps. Softly, she pressed her lips against his, quickly followed by her tongue.
He kissed her back, tenderly, full of desire.
She pulled back a little, brushing her bottom lip with her thumb. "I love you Juice."
"I love you too."
"I won't forget the things you said today. But I – I need time. My head's a mess."
"I get it, love." He kissed her. "You want me to silence the noise in your head?" He kissed her neck, smirking as he heard her inhale sharply. His hands wandered across her back and crept underneath her shirt. She took off her kutte, he pulled her shirt over her head.
Right when his lips connected with hers again, his phone went off. At first he ignored it, then he heaved a deep sigh, pulling the thing out of his pocket.
Kozik, he read. He rested his head against Alex's; he had completely forgotten about his brother.
"Well, here we go," he muttered, reluctantly taking the call, afraid that Jax would be the next one he would call.
. . .
Hey guys,I started a new Juice fanfic -- a little Romeo and Juliet like since he'll fall in love with a Mayan. I hope you want to give it a try, it's called 'Rivals'. (: