chapter playlist ⏯
• she's a god - neck deep
• run - canyon city
• numbers - the cab
———
two weeks later
shawnmendes
shawnmendes my girlfriend wrote a book. this may be surprising to you, but it's not surprising to me at all, because she does incredible things all the time, because she has an incredible mind that is capable of the utmost incredibility. today's just another day of her being awesome and me being proud of her.
anyway—please read the book. it's amazing, and i'm not just saying that because i'm in love with her. it's objectively amazing. i've literally read it four times. maybe you can, too. ;)
(p.s. this picture is her attempting to call her brother via the hotel phone because he didn't answer from her cell phone. she's still doing it. liam if you're reading this please pick up)
(p.p.s. yes she just normally looks that good)
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gemmaclark hey btw i love you. and liam never did pick up :(
connormcclain i haven't read a book since like 2013 but i guess i'm going to have to get back on it now
———
gemma clark <<<
"Shall I make a toast?" Shawn asked, looking at me as he poured my glass. Him + this dim light = perfection. I could stare at him for hours.
"If you'd like to," I replied, taking the glass from his hand. "But don't feel like you have to."
"I want to," he said.
I knew he would want to, but it still made me smile. I raised my glass as he raised his, curious to hear what he would say.
"To you, and your brilliant mind, and the brilliant things you can do with it," he said, making my heart melt. He's just so good. So good.
"You're an angel," I said softly, making him roll his eyes.
I gave him a quick kiss, and then we sipped our drinks. It burned my throat in a good way. I took another swig, relieving the stress of today a little bit at a time.
"I can't wait to go to bed tonight," I said. He laughed, but I really meant it.
"Oh, come on, Gem," he said, nudging my shoulder. "You're twenty years old, you have your own published book, and you're in New York City with a guy who is the self-proclaimed love of your life. The last thing you should want is to go to bed."
I chuckled, feeling a bit inspired. "Okay, fair enough. What should I want to do instead?"
"I don't know. At least stay up and bask in the glory of this moment," he told me. "You only publish your first book once, ya know."
"True," I replied. This is so fine by me. I leaned my head on his shoulder and continued to gaze out at the city, which is pretty much the only thing I do here. New York City is nothing like Los Angeles, really, and for a homegrown Nebraska girl who grew up "in the sticks," every day that I'm here feels like something I need to appreciate and somewhat gawk at. It's just so pretty.
"Given anymore thought to the NYU thing?" he asked. I felt a knot in my stomach. We really haven't spoken about it since I told him the first time, but I've thought about it a lot more. And I hate thinking about it, because my head tells me to go, but my heart just wants to stay with him and where I'm comfortable.
"A little," I replied, only partially lying. "Haven't gotten any closer to figuring out what I'm going to do, though."
He didn't reply straight away. I knew we were both thinking about the same thing: what would happen if I left? Could we figure that out, or would it ruin us? Would we come out stronger? I don't know the answer to any of it.
"I know I sound like a broken record," he said. "But if you want to go, then please go. I know I'm the biggest thing holding you back, but that's not what I want to be. I want you to do what's right for you, not what's right for us."
I sort of feel like that contradicts what a relationship is supposed to be, because aren't we supposed to put each other first? You're not supposed to be selfish in a relationship. That's why our relationship has worked so well. Both of us just want the other to be happy; I'd sacrifice a lot for that to always be the case. I guess he would be the one sacrificing there, but I think that's too much to ask.
I nodded. "I know. But maybe what's right for us could actually be what's right for me, too."
He took a moment to reply. "Maybe. I don't know, though. I just want you to take me out of the equation and make the decision you want to make. We both know you've dreamed of an opportunity like this one for a long time, and it's weird, because it feels like your dreams are my dreams, too, and I just want you to chase them as far as they'll take you. And I know you want that for me, too."
He gets awfully sweet after eleven p.m. and a glass of champagne, doesn't he? I mean, he's always sweet. It makes me actually consider leaving, which is exactly what I didn't want him to do.
"I'll be around even when you don't want me to," he told me, taking the last sip of his drink. "You wouldn't have to worry about us growing apart. I'll be here every minute I can."
I smiled at the sentiment, thankful for his comforting words. Even if he didn't mean them, they're nice to hear. And I do think he means them. It sucks.
"I know you would," I replied. "I think you and I would be just fine. I really do think that."
I'm pretty sure I actually believed that. We're strong and mature and I don't think there's much that could come between us. Never say never, though.
"Yeah. Me too," he said, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his chest. He kissed the top of my head.
"I love you," I told him in a small voice, as if I was nervous to say it. As if.
"I love you, too, Gem," he replied. "So much."
I smiled to myself. He loves me. How can someone so kind and patient and caring and breathtakingly attractive love me?
"Thank you for being here and for always pushing me to do the best thing for myself, even if it's scary. You're the reason any of this is even happening," I said, which is true. I would never have had the guts to send my book to a publisher if he didn't bug me about it all the time. And now look where I'm at. I know this is my accomplishment and all, but I genuinely owe it to him for pushing me to take the leap.
"Your talent deserves to be recognized," he said with a shrug. "Girlfriend or not, I would have done the same. Your book is incredible, Gem. Obviously it is. It's the kind of thing you shouldn't keep to yourself."
I had to smile. It's so nice to be with someone who really believes in you.
"Thank you," I said. "I'm endlessly thankful for you."
He ran his fingers through his hair nonchalantly. "You don't have to be, though. Seeing you happy makes me happy, so it's more of a selfish act than you really think."
I chuckled. "Regardless—thank you."
We sat there for a couple moments in silence. It was a perfect peacefulness. My appreciation for small moments like these grows more everyday. I reminded myself to be thankful that he's physically here with me, holding me, because when we're apart next week or whenever the next time is that one of us will be out of town, I don't want to look back and see that I took this time for granted. I've got to savor it.
"We've got a whole summer, Gem," he said eventually. "I mean, I know we're not going to be together all the time or anything, but we'll make the most of it. It's going to be great. I'm excited."
Yes. Happy thoughts.
I don't have school, and he doesn't have any sort of tour or big event that takes up every day, so we're "free" all summer. I know that he'll be plenty busy and I probably will, too, but still. It's more than we usually get, and we're both very excited, despite the fact that it's only the beginning of April now.
"Me too," I replied. "We just need to do things for ourselves and not worry about everyone else. If we want to get out of town, then let's get out of town, ya know? We can't debate it for three days and then finally decide to just stay home because we wasted all our free time debating it. I just want to make the most of it. It's the summer of us."
He grinned. "I like that. The summer of us sounds nice. And I completely agree with everything you said, but I think you're the one who needs the advice, Miss Rational."
He's not wrong. However, he can be quite rational himself.
"Whatever. I'll take that advice. I just don't want to miss out," I replied.
"We won't," he said. "I promise."
It's hard to keep a promise like that.
"Too bad summer is still like, two months away," I said, sighing.
"April and May are the fastest months," he said reassuringly. "You'll see. We can enjoy this time, too, you know."
I gave him a doubtful look. "We're barely going to see each other these next two months, and you know it."
"We're seeing each other right now," he said, making me smile a little.
"Is that so?" I asked, tilting my head to the side as I looked at him. I knew he was about to kiss me, and just the thought gave me butterflies.
He nodded, leaning in closer to me. He smelled good. I pulled my hoodie sleeves over my hands, since New York is still chilly in April, especially at night. Plus, being around him gives me chills. In a good way. An exciting way.
The hustle and bustle of the city faded out as I got a little lost in his eyes, the same eyes I've looked at a million times before. But just because you've seen something a lot of times doesn't make it any less amazing. They still make me feel things.
"Seven billion people in the world and I got you. How is that even possible?" I asked, knowing he didn't have a good answer. Such a lame thing to say, but it's honestly how I feel. I used to make fun of people for saying stupid things like that.
"I'd say the same about you," he replied with a smile. "One word: soulmates."
I grinned, too. "Maybe," I conceded. "Probably not, but maybe."
He rolled his eyes.
"Kidding," I said, nudging his shoulder. We felt further from kissing now, but I didn't mind. There's plenty of time in the night. "We were definitely made for each other. In some way, whatever way that could be."
"Yeah," he replied. "You would have said that that wasn't even possible nine months ago. Look how far you've come."
I smiled. It's true. I don't know exactly what I believe in, but I do know that I was firmly against soulmates or even the concept of being made for someone for a long time, pretty much until I started dating him. Now things are different. Me crossing paths with the most amazing person who fits me so perfectly is just too unlikely for it to be anything besides predetermined. Maybe by God, or whoever else is up there watching over all of us humans. Maybe it's written in the stars. Maybe soulmates are real—I don't know. I will admit that I feel like my soul has known his for forever.
"It seems you that you've really opened my eyes to true love," I replied. "Truly quite the accomplishment."
He smiled satisfactorily and shrugged. "I barely even tried."
I rolled my eyes, wondering how true that was. Like, how hard he tried to pull me. If I was easy or a challenge. I feel like our road to each other was difficult but easy at the same time. I feel like he had to try a little bit; I'd say he put in a good amount of work. I mean, he saved my life, he cancelled plans for me, he came out to see me at my beck and call. He's been so good from the very beginning. But I think I gave in pretty easily after Jake. I think I was already giving in before Jake and I broke up, whether I knew it or not.
"Please," I replied dismissively. "You practically tripped over your own feet to get to me, and you know it."
He chuckled. "Yeah, you're right. Getting you was like, one of the most impressive things I've ever pulled off. But you're also the greatest thing to ever grace my life, so it was well worth the fight."
I gave him a peck on the lips and smiled. "Well worth it, indeed," I replied. "I mean, in retrospect, things actually moved pretty quickly between us. We hadn't known each other that long before we actually started dating. Just a few months or so."
"Well, I knew I was going to fall in love you from the first day I saw you, so it didn't feel that fast," he said. "Swear to God."
I also wondered if that was true. I know he swore to God, but still. I'll never be inside his mind, so I'll never know for sure, but the idea of him knowing such a thing so soon felt unrealistic.
Oh, the skeptic in me. Why can't I ever just shut up and be romanced?
"It's already been ten months," I said, which blows my mind. "I think life just moves fast now. The days are slow and so are the weeks, but the months are fast and the years are even faster. In the blink of an eye, everything can be different."
He was quiet for a moment, maybe just thinking. Reflecting.
"Well, I don't think everything is different. We're those same people who met a year ago, ya know? We still do the stuff we used to do. We still go to the same places. I don't think much has changed, really."
Yeah. Maybe he's right. Maybe it just feels different these days, since life is getting so hectic. And our relationship is still progressing, even if only in small ways.
"Yeah, you're right," I said. "I guess I meant that our lives are changing. But you and I are the same you and I that have been here this whole time."
"And always will be," he said, nudging my shoulder.
"Hopefully," I said.
He held up his almost empty glass. "To always being the you and I that fell in love. Hopefully."
I chuckled and took a sip after clinking our glasses together.
"Not because I don't believe in us, but I just think it's important to be realistic," I said. "At least, sometimes."
"I think to me...you and I staying together feels like the most realistic outcome of all this," he said softly.
"I know," I replied. "I feel that way, too. But the statistics just don't support that. Your love for
me clouds your perception. My love for you clouds mine, too. That's the whole purpose of keeping things realistic. To uncloud."
He shook his head. "Are you planning on breaking my heart? Or are you really worried about me breaking yours?"
I didn't reply. I know I'd never be the one to break his heart.
"It's just being realistic, babe," I told him.
"It's realistic with other people. That's not our reality," he said. He took a pause for a moment or two, sipping his drink while staring thoughtfully ahead. Why does he say such things? He has no idea how this will all turn out, yet he acts like us breaking up is like, the most impossible thing in the world. I don't want to break up, obviously, but there is a chance that we will in the future. There's no harm in saying that.
"I wouldn't...I wouldn't even know how to break your heart, Gem," he told me. I felt a pang in my chest. I hate when he gets all melancholy. "I can't even imagine it. You'd be the one that would break my heart, and you know that's the truth."
I furrowed my eyebrows, because I didn't think that was the truth at all. He's the one who has access to any girl he wants at any time and is always leaving. He's the one to break my heart, for sure.
"Oh, come on. You really think I'm capable of that?" I asked him. I didn't think so.
"I don't think you would do it on purpose," he replied. "But I definitely think you're capable of breaking my heart. You hold a lot more power over me than you know, Gem."
"Well, I don't think I'm going to," I reassured him. "I don't know how; I've only ever had my heart broken. I'm actually quite experienced with taking heartbreak and have gotten used to masking the pain. So I don't see myself switching sides and breaking hearts. I'm better at taking it."
He shook his head. "Oh, Gemma."
"But," I began again. "I think you're just a little too idealist sometimes. And I like that about you, but I'm just not that way. I have to pay attention to stats and facts and not just what I feel in the present moment. That doesn't mean I think we're going to break up. It just means that...I recognize it as a realistic and possible outcome."
"Well, you may, but I don't," he said with a small smile, letting me know he was just joking. I know I'm annoying. I know he probably wishes he was having this conversation with anyone else.
"No hearts are getting broken any time soon," I said, leaning my head against his shoulder again.
"Promise?" he murmured, lazily leaning back against me.
"I promise."
And that's something I could say for sure.
———
a couple days later
"Coffee?"
I put the bookmark in my novel and closed it to take the cup from him. It smelled like heaven. He looked like heaven. I smiled to him as he sat across from me. We've been in New York for four days, and we've spent a great deal of time sitting on the balcony connected to our hotel room. The view is unbelievable. The air is perfect. Everything is absolutely magnificent.
The scene I'm in right now is literally my ultimate dream. Sitting on a balcony in New York City with a boy I love so much, reading and drinking morning coffee and just being peaceful and content.
How much peace is really there in our lives?
Answer: very little.
"Flight leaves at 11:05, right?" he asked, sipping his coffee.
I nodded. "We should probably get packing pretty soon."
"Probably," he replied. "Even though I kinda just want to stay here with you forever."
I smiled softly, sipping my coffee. "That is literally the only thing I want in life. Just for us to get to stay right here a little while longer."
I picked up my book again and he looked at his phone. Coexisting at its finest.
"Any word from Isaac this morning?" he asked me. I've obviously been in close contact with Isaac since I'm in New York and I just published my book and there's a lot of things going on. But I want to lay low with the book thing—I'm trying to stay away from interacting with people, and Isaac knows that that is what I want. He has reassured me many times that I don't have to do all that extra stuff if I don't want to. No book signings or things like that. That's just not me. I don't want this to be about me. I want it to be about the book. So I'll happily promote the book on my social media, and I'll happily tell my friends about it, but I'm not going to put on a fake persona to fit the typical narrative.
I shook my head. "Not yet. I'm sure he will in a little bit."
He sipped his coffee and nodded slowly.
"How'd you sleep?" I asked him, not wanting to spend any more time talking about the book.
"Good," he replied. "Well, I mean."
He smiled, satisfied that he caught himself in a grammatical error before I did.
"I always sleep better next to you," he said, looking at me with a smirk.
"Do you?" I asked cheekily, quite enjoying the flirty banter.
"Who wouldn't?" he replied. "You're really...comforting, I guess. You ease my mind. That really helps."
I felt that. I often find myself tossing and turning for hours, trying to calm down my mind so that I can just get some damn sleep. It's harder than it seems. I will admit that having someone next to me, especially someone who brings me such internal peace, is quite helpful.
"Quite frankly, I never want to sleep anywhere that's not next to you," he added, making me chuckle.
"Sounds like a plan," I replied, leaning over to kiss him. First kiss of the day. Second only to the last kiss of the day, which is typically the best.
We stayed out there a little while longer, finishing our coffee as I read and he did whatever else. It was a good final time of peace before heading out.
However, the un-peacefulness of life demanded to be acknowledged and acted upon. We had to pack and clean up the mess of a hotel room we had created, then get out the door and get to the airport and get on the plane and then sit there for six hours and then get to the airport in LA and get home. This is an all-day affair, and it's my least favorite thing.
"I swear, you've never not left your phone charger," he said, holding the cord up to me as we stood in the now nice and neat room that we had mostly restored back to its original state.
I took it from him. "Why would I bother remembering it when I know you're going to remember it for me?"
He smiled a little and shook his head. "Good question."
I looked around the room one last time. "Okay. I think that's it. Ready to go?"
"More than ready," he replied. "What's a word for that? More than ready?"
"I don't know one off the top of my head," I said. "Maybe eager? All I can think of is like, overexcited? But that would imply that you are excited, and I believe your desire to leave is born not from excitement but from exhaustion."
"You're correct with that analysis," he said. "Let's just get out of here now."
I nodded, wanting nothing more.
On the way to the airport, my phone rang. This doesn't happen often, so I was confused as to who was calling me. Upon picking my phone up, I saw it was Isaac. I answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hey Gemma," Isaac's voice came through the speaker clearly. "How are you doing?"
"I'm great," I replied. "How are you?"
"Just fine," he said. "I knew you were leaving, so I figured I'd just give you a quick call before you're out of town."
"Of course," I said quickly. "I wanted to chat one more time, too. How are things going?"
"We're great. Everything is going very well and the reception has been astounding, which is just what I expected," he told me, which felt good to hear. "Congratulations, Gemma. This is all your accomplishment."
"Thank you, Isaac. Really, for everything.
I quite clearly couldn't have done it without you," I replied. I'm not trying to be a suck-up; I'm serious. I literally couldn't have done this without him.
"Nonsense. You're such an intelligent girl who can do amazing things. I'm sure you could have figured it out," he said. Sounds like something Shawn would say. "However, I'm grateful to have gotten to be a part of it, and I'm glad to have gotten to be a part of it with you. You're so gifted & have such a bright future ahead of you, Gemma. I can't wait to see where you go."
I had a warm feeling in my chest, that feeling you get when you finally feel validated by someone you sought validation from for a long time.
"That means a lot, Isaac. I really lucked out with you and the rest of the team. You've been a great mentor and guide to me, really," I said, speaking truthfully. They've all been so helpful, especially him. It would have been easy to treat me like an idiot and make me look stupid, but they didn't. He took me under his wing. I appreciate that so much.
"I know this is your job, but it's my dream. And you made it happen for me. So, thank you," I said.
"It's been my pleasure, Gemma," he replied. "Have a safe trip home."
"Will do," I said. "Goodbye."
"Goodbye, Gemma Clark."
I smiled to myself as I put my phone down.
"I'm feeling a little threatened after that phone call," Shawn said from next to me.
"Why's that?" I asked, genuinely confused.
"Just seems like you and Isaac get along quite well," he replied. I rolled my eyes.
"Oh, come on. Don't go all Jake Dempsey on me, please," I said, really meaning it. I don't think I could feel that way about Isaac if I tried. And vice versus, most likely. I'm his pupil.
"I'm not, I'm not," he replied quickly. His worst fear is becoming Jake. "I just would feel better if he was like, an unattractive old guy. But he's not unattractive, nor old, to my dismay."
"Well, he's nowhere near as attractive as you," I told him reassuringly. Before we started dating, I would have never guessed that this person—this gorgeous, perfect-looking human being—would ever need validation about his physical appearance, but I was wrong. He needs compliments to feel better, just like the rest of us. It reminds me that he's only human.
He smiled a little. "You're just saying that."
"I swear to God," I said, putting my hand over my heart. "He's like, older than me and talks really intelligently...it makes me uncomfortable. I could never see him that way."
"Right, and you prefer someone who talks like an idiot," he said, somewhat jokingly.
"Obviously that's not what I was saying," I replied. "Just...the way he words things and the way in which he talks makes me feel weird."
"If you want to be with him, I don't want to stop you," he told me, not being able to hide his grin. Everything's a joke, all the time. I like it, most of the time.
"Shut up, please," I said, giving him a weak smile. I just don't like the direction this conversation is heading, even though I obviously know he's only kidding.
He kissed the side of my head. "Sorry."
"It's certainly nothing you have to apologize for," I told him.
"Just in case," he replied with a shrug. "Anyway, all good things from him?"
I nodded. "Yeah. It blows my mind that people are like, actually reading my book. I can't even wrap my head around it."
He smiled. "Me neither. Not because I don't think it's good enough, but just because it's kind of crazy to see the manifestation of this dream that you thought was completely impossible not that long ago," he said. "You've always been good enough, Gem. Things just changed when you started believing it."
I chewed on that for a moment. He's right; it's weird how I thought it was impossible like, a year ago, and now it has actually happened. Did things really change when I started believing I was good enough? I don't think so. I think things changed when he started telling me I was good enough. Maybe I started believing it then...I don't know. All I know is I'm thankful that I'm here.
"Yeah, maybe," I replied. "I think things changed when you came into the picture."
"Yeah, of course you think that. You love giving other people credit for your accomplishments," he said with a small smile. "I had nothing to do with this. This is all you, one hundred percent. Own it."
I wish I deserved such support. I love it.
"Say I'm right," he said. "Agree with me, please. It will make me feel better if you agree that this was completely your accomplishment."
While I didn't fully agree, I knew I had to indulge him. "You're right," I replied, somewhat reluctantly, to which he smiled.
"Yeah, I know," he said.
We both sat in silence for a few more minutes until we arrived at the airport. The airport process is something neither of us enjoy, so we're both typically pretty quiet. Whenever I travel, I always get to that point where all I want is to just be home, so I don't want to talk or do anything else. I think we both feel like that right now.
I'll spare you the waiting, the painfully long plane ride, and the long car ride home. All that matters is that we made it to my apartment at approximately seven p.m.
"I love New York, but nothing beats this stuffy old apartment," I said as we both brought our stuff inside. He chuckled, closing the door behind us.
"I completely agree," he replied. He dropped his stuff and stretched his arms over his head, yawning at the same time. "I could use a nap."
"I thought you slept on the plane." I remarked, remembering how his head was on my shoulder and his eyes were closed for almost two hours.
"Yeah, I did, but I'm still tired," he said, yawning again. "One can only sleep so well on a plane."
I smiled. He makes a solid point. "Well, I'm going to work on some homework. You are more than welcome to take a nap, though."
He frowned. "You're already going to work on homework? You literally just got home."
"I've got a lot to catch up on," I replied with a shrug.
"Come on, Gemma," he said, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind me. It felt good, just that touch from him. "You want to take a nap with me. You know you want to."
"I don't," I replied, trying to convince myself it was true. The only thing I want is to nap with him.
"Yes, you do," he said, his breath tickling my neck. "And you deserve a nap, because you published a book this weekend, and then had to endure a six hour plane ride, and now you're finally home and you're tired."
He had some good points.
"A short nap," he added. "An hour, max. Just to give you enough energy to tackle that homework."
And with that, he sold me. He knew he did, too, because he spun me around to face him, then kissed me sweetly, like he loved me or something. I enjoyed it.
"A short nap," I gave in. "Not only because I am very tired, but also because you could be whisked away to another city at the drop of a hat, so I need to savor these moments that I get to spend with you."
He smiled, then looked at me for a moment without saying anything. I didn't say anything either; I just let him stare because I knew he would say something that's gonna make me feel good. And I selfishly like that.
But instead of speaking, he scooped me up into his arms, bridal style, and I thought about how I would give anything to be married to him. I'd really like to be married to him.
"We don't have to nap if you don't want to," he said as he set me down on my bed gently. "We can do something else."
I gave him a look. "I do want to. The promise of a nap is what got me here."
"Oh," he said dejectedly. "I sorta thought it was me."
"You thought wrong," I told him, even though he definitely had it right. "I came for the nap and I want the nap."
There was some sunlight coming into the room, so he closed the curtains all the way. I pulled the covers up to my chin so that every part of my body was warm and cozy, while he climbed into bed next to me.
"Thank you, Shawn," I murmured.
"Thank you," he replied. "For letting me nap in your bed."
"It's an honor to have you nap in my bed."
"Maybe I'll do it more often, then."
I smiled. "You never used to nap."
He groaned. "I know, Gem. You've changed me for the worse."
"Who said it was me?" I asked defensively.
"You are the biggest supporter of naps that I know. You have been convincing me that I deserve naps for months now," he told me.
"And now look how the tables have turned," I replied with a grin, making him chuckle.
"They really have," he said with a sigh. "Lots of things have changed."
I looked up at the ceiling, thinking about that statement. It's true. In the last year, my life has been completely flipped upside down. Breaking up with someone is a huge change. Then beginning to date another person is a huge change. Trying to publish a book is a huge change. Life has been crazy for a while now.
"Yeah," I agreed with a sigh. "In a good way, though."
"Definitely in a good way," he said, looking over at me, then looking back at the ceiling. He turned over to lay on his side, but not facing me.
Neither of us said anything for a few moments after that, and I thought maybe he was falling asleep. I knew it would take a me a few minutes, since my brain is wired from being awake for so long. His is a lot easier to turn off.
I rolled over so my back was to his back, then let out a deep breath. I had to let my mind succumb to this level of relaxation; I'm back in my apartment in my bed with my boyfriend. Things are simple in this moment, and I really like that.
I felt myself getting more tired as I laid there, and figured he had fallen asleep. Thank God I really pressured him into getting into napping. It's a great hobby, and he's actually getting pretty good at it.
I heard my phone vibrate in the nightstand, which is a rarity, because the only person who texts me is Shawn, and he's seemingly asleep next to me.
It was Isaac. I should have figured.
isaac benton
hey, check your email as soon as you can. some publications wanted some comments on your book from you and i figured you wouldn't mind responding via email. no human confrontation, right?
me
haha, yes, no human confrontation please. and that sounds good. i will look in the next hour or so
isaac benton
okay awesome. thanks
me
:)
I put my phone back down and adjusted myself to my previous level of comfort again.
"Are you texting other guys while you're in bed next to me?" he asked in a drowsy voice, obviously joking. He rolled over to face me and opened his eyes, but they were heavy and sort of puffy. His hair was messy.
I nodded. "All of them. I just got done texting all my other boyfriends. I invited them over after you leave tonight."
"Who said I'm leaving tonight?" he asked with a grin.
"You're not sick of me yet?"
"Well, yeah, but that's what the nap is for," he said, making me chuckle.
"Ah, the truth comes out," I said. He rubbed his eyes. "But don't feel like you have to stay."
"Don't feel like you have to let me stay," he replied. "I mean, I'd stay with you any day of the week, no questions asked. but if you just want to be alone, then don't be afraid to say that you just want to be alone."
I appreciated that, because that is a genuine feeling sometimes. Not really with him, but sometimes your mental battery runs out and you just don't want to even think. But when someone's talking right next to you, you can't really not think. However, I enjoy his company and he's always respected my mental battery, anyway.
"Okay," I simply replied. "You can stay tonight."
He grinned. "Good. 'Cause I was really excited about it."
I laughed a little, putting my hand on the side of his face. "You're a dream."
"Your hands are cold."
"Well, maybe I need to be warmed up."
"Maybe you do," he replied, but he didn't move, and we just stayed like that. I wonder if he didn't catch my hint or if he just ignored it.
A moment went by. "Okay, come here."
I smiled to myself and he pulled me closer to him. But we were facing each other, so obviously that resulted in me kissing him, which resulted in him kissing me back, and this whole thing went on for a little while.
"We came to nap and now we're not even napping," I said, reluctantly pulling away from him.
"You started it," he replied defensively. "I'm only appeasing you."
I rolled my eyes. "Right."
He smirked. "It's not my fault you find me irresistible."
I blushed for literally no reason. I do find him quite irresistible. We're dating.
"Shut up," I said, rolling over. "I'm going to sleep now."
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. "I really love you, Gemma Clark."
"You really test me, Shawn Mendes," I replied.
"Only because I really love you."
I smiled to myself. "I really love you, too."
He unwrapped his arms around me and went back to his side of the bed. I fell asleep quickly and dreamed about him.
———
the next morning
"This has to be a joke."
My boyfriend appeared in my doorway and walked to my bed with a glass of water and a little cup of liquid medicine. He had a sympathetic look on his face.
"Sorry," he said, handing me the glass and medicine. I took the medicine and washed it down with the water. I made a face, because the flavor of the medicine was not overpowered by the flavorless water. It tasted like grape soda, but in the worst possible way.
Last night, I woke up at like, three a.m., and threw up. And then Shawn woke up, and I cried, and I was shivering, even though I was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and it was a very stressful night. So now it's ten a.m., and we're still recovering after getting a low amount of sleep after that whole incident. I threw up again at six, and then again at eight, and we just woke up again about ten minutes ago. I'm very, very lucky that I don't have anything to do today, and that he has no commitments until late tonight. I can't afford to miss any more school or work. I'm also very lucky that I have the most amazing boyfriend who will do anything and everything for me, which makes me feel slightly guilty but mostly happy. I love him.
"You really should just go home," I told him as he climbed into bed next to me. "You're going to get sick, and then you'll be out of commission, and your life is way more important than mine. Save yourself, please."
He looked over at me and smiled. "My immune system is way stronger than yours, babe. I'll be fine. Who's going to take care of you if I leave?"
"Me?" I asked. "I'm twenty years old and my mother's been gone for four years. I think I've got this."
"I really don't mind, Gem," he replied. "I know you would take care of me if the roles were reversed."
"Yes, and I will be taking care of you in approximately two days if you don't go home," I told him. "The flu is so contagious and we were just kissing last night."
"You haven't been diagnosed yet," he said. "It could be something else that's non-contagious."
"You just told me ten minutes ago that I definitely have the flu."
"Well, that's what Google told me, but we can't always believe Google."
"So you have more medical knowledge than Google?"
"I just might, Miss I'm-The-Smartest-Girl-In The-World."
"I've never said that. Not even once," I said through chattering teeth.
He smiled. "You have like, ten blankets on and your teeth are still chattering."
I tried to stop it. "Sorry. Is my illness bothering you?"
He chuckled. "You're meaner when you're ill."
"I feel like you're pushing my buttons when they do not need to be pushed."
"How so?"
"You're just being contrary," I replied. "As always."
"I just want to wrap you in my arms and make you warm, but you'll probably kill me if I touch you, right?"
I nodded. "You got it."
"Back to the drawing board, then," he said with a sigh.
"I'm really fine," I insisted. "I feel alright."
He gave me a look, as if he couldn't figure me out, but then seemed to just let it go. I'm thankful when he just lets things go, because I like to let things go. Not everything is a federal case, ya know? Jake never let things go, while I let every single issue he caused slip right through my fingertips. Can you say upgrade?
"Listen to this," he said after a moment. "Gemma Clark's debut novel exceeds expectations and brings hope for a new generation of young authors."
"Where's that from?" I asked. I've tried to stay away from the internet today, partly due to my fear of everyone hating my book.
"I just typed in "Gemma Clark book" and clicked the first link," he replied. "Here's another: Gemma Clark stuns the world with her new novel, getting rave reviews in its first twenty four hours."
"I'm sure not that many people have read it," I said, trying to offset the positivity. "That's still really cool that anyone would say that at all."
"Well, more people are going to read it now that everyone who has is saying great things about it," he told me. "Look: The perfect balance between drama, thriller, romance, and a little bit of humor: Gemma Clark's first novel is a must-read."
Despite feeling like trash, that made me feel better. People must be liking it, right? They wouldn't write such reviews if they didn't. Holy cow. They like it.
"Can you hand me my laptop so I can check my email?" I asked him. I figured I should be in touch with Isaac during all this, or at least see if he's trying to get in touch with me.
He complied and handed it to me, and I quickly went to my inbox to see if I had anything from Isaac or anyone else important. I did.
One was Isaac asking if I could make it to New York next weekend for an event that the company is putting on.
"Isaac wants me in New York next weekend," I said, the un-excitedness evident in my voice.
"Of course he does," he replied. "When does he not want you around?"
"You sound jealous."
"Maybe I am," he said. "He gets a lot of you, it feels like."
"I don't know what to tell you."
"I don't think there's anything to say about the whole thing except for that it sucks."
I was still for a moment, just because I don't know what to make of this.
"I'm sorry," I said. "But I have to watch you give all your time to other people, too."
"I know," he replied simply. "That sucks, too."
What is his angle here?
"I'm not going to spend time with him, obviously," I told him.
"Well, I know that," he said. "I'm not mad at you. You've got to go."
I decided not to say anything else about it. Sometimes he's difficult. Like, what was even the point in him saying all that? Nothing came of that conversation except now I feel like a jerk for going to New York.
I also had a bunch of emails from magazines and websites asking for statements and interviews about the book, which was cool. I'll do anything online. As long as I don't have to interact in the physical form with anyone, I'm more than happy to cooperate.
"I think I'm going to knock out some of these questions from all these magazines and stuff," I told him, showing all the emails I had. "It's going to be boring. Please don't stay if you don't want to. I will be fine."
He looked at his phone, I guess for the time, then looked at me. "I literally have no other plans until tonight. My only plans for the day were being with you. So I'm perfectly content just sitting here while you do that."
I thought that was sweet. "Okay, then. I love you."
He smiled. "I love you, too."
And so we did that for a while; I worked on my stuff, and he eventually got out my guitar and started working on his own breed of work in the corner of my room. It was very nice just to have him there. But I did throw up again about thirty minutes in. That was horrendous. I hate throwing up so, so much. It's one of the worst feelings ever.
We were just about to watch Top Gun, because I love it, when his phone rang. I frowned and he promised it would only be a couple minutes. Then that turned into ten minutes, then twenty, then thirty, until I fell asleep. And when I woke up, he was gone.
I figured I should get out of bed to see if he left a note after checking my phone to see nothing Luckily, there was one waiting for me on my nightstand.
gemma,
ran to the studio for a little bit. i'll be back soon. sorry i didn't tell you but you were sleeping and i didn't want to wake you. don't be mad at me for leaving because you said i could. i love you and i hope you feel better!!!!!!!!
I put the note down and rolled back over in bed, figuring that sleeping is my best option, since I'll be bored if he's not here. I'm glad he got out of here, though.
However, I felt hungry, and wanted to attempt to eat something light. I know it's risky, because I threw up not too long ago, but there's no (real) harm in trying.
Lucky for me, I had saltine crackers. The perfect snack for the sick.
I sat up and let the dizziness subside before trying to get up, and had more trouble than I anticipated finding my balance. However, I was on two feet in no time. I slowly trudged to the kitchen, finding the box of crackers in a cupboard. I grabbed it, got myself a glass of water, then turned to go back to bed.
On my way back to my bed, I began to feel dizzy. That's normal when you're sick, right? I ignored it and continued in my quest. My bed's only a short distance away, so I'm sure I can make it without passing out.
And then everything went black. So I guess I was wrong.
———
hey everyone. IM SORRY THIS TOOK ME SO LONG I FEEL PRETTY AWFUL. i know i always say i've been busy, but i've been SO busy, and overall have not felt any motivation to write at all. once volleyball season is over i will hopefully get more productive, but no promises. i know everyone has lost interest in this book but i'm not giving up on it just yet :)
thank you thank you thank you if you're still keeping up with it. that's a lot to ask of you, and if you're still here, thank you so much. you're the reason i haven't just given up completely. plus, i want to see how this whole thing ends up. (i have drama planned you just wait and see)
➡️ i'm aware that the harry styles song is amazing but is there anything else we're listening to?
i really like:
- you were good to me by jeremy zucker and chelsea cutler
- lover by taylor swift
- afterglow by taylor swift
- she's a god by neck deep
- finally feel good by james arthur
- doing to me by astrid s
- out of my league by fitz and the tantrums
- high definition by watermarks
okay thanks for reading!! i need sleepo before school so goodnight <3
xx-maggie