chapter playlist ⏯
• memories - shawn mendes
• hearts don't break around here - ed sheeran
• love you like that - dagny
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gemmaclark
gemmaclark my relationship with liam is summed up perfectly with this one photo that my beautiful boyfriend took at dinner
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shawnmendes it's me; i'm the beautiful boyfriend
connormcclain did you even eat any of your food???
———
gemma clark <<<
"It's not that cold."
Shawn was looking at me, somewhat disappointedly, because my teeth were chattering.
"I can't help it," I replied, wrapping my arms around myself in an effort to keep warm. "And it is pretty freakin' cold."
"It's really not that bad," he said, the Canadian in him demanding to be heard. "You said you wanted to take a walk with the love of your life or whatever, and I intend to do that. Rain or shine. Freezing or not."
I smiled to myself at his sincerity, and he took my hand in his, making my heart skip a beat.
"Your hand is like an icicle," he said, looking at me with a grin. His was still warm, somehow.
"Yeah?" I replied. "Got anymore groundbreaking observations?"
He kept his grin and then kissed the back of my hand, keeping our fingers interlaced. Goddamnit, he's such a dream.
The field behind my house was big, with a pond in the middle of it all and the woods outlining the whole space. The grass was frosted over and the pond was frozen. The weather was gloomy and dry; the sun was behind a bunch of clouds and the dead leaves made a crunching sound when we stepped on them. It was pretty, but I was frozen solid. I did always dream of taking walks in this field with the love of my life, and what if this is the only time I could get to? Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I could die next Tuesday and then the chance would surely never arise again. So right now, it's worth it.
"I love you even when you're the most difficult person alive, Gemma Clark," he told me in a sing-song voice.
I couldn't help but smile. "Right back at you. You aren't exactly the easiest person to deal with all the time, you know."
He pretended to be offended, even though I was right. We both have our moments. But definitely me more than him.
"You take the cake for most difficult, though," he said.
"You know what? I will concede that," I replied.
He smiled again and swung our arms, the happy feeling in my heart expanding to the rest of my body.
"I know it's barely two days, but I'm kinda sad that we won't be spending actual Christmas day together," he said.
"I know; I was thinking about that, too. I think it's a good idea for us to each be with our own families, but being apart from you just always sucks," I replied with a sigh. "I've gotten used to it, though."
He didn't say anything, and I was worried that that last bit sounded rude.
"I didn't mean that to sound like it did," I said, not looking at his face.
"I know you didn't," he replied. "Even if you did...you'd be right. It feels like we spend more time apart than together sometimes."
"Yeah," I said softly. "But we make up for it."
He nodded, looking at me and smiling a little. "Yeah. We do."
Neither of us said anything else about it and we walked in calm silence for a few moments.
"I thought you said you were going to sneak into my room after your dad goes to bed, and that hasn't happened yet," he said. "Every night, I lay in bed, waiting for you to show up, and then you never do."
I chuckled. "Why don't you just text me?"
"I don't know. Then I'll seem needy."
"You're the least 'needy' person I know," I said. "And I've thought about it, but every time I get in bed, I don't really feel like getting out. And I just assume you're tired, so I just go to sleep. Why didn't you just come to me?"
"Are you kidding?" he asked. "What if your dad saw?"
"Will me going into your room look any better for you?"
"Well, at least I wouldn't be the one instigating it. You'd look worse, I think," he replied.
"Honestly, I think you're going to look worse in his eyes no matter the situation," I joked. He put his face in his hands and groaned.
"Do you think he likes me?" he asked, taking my hand again. "We were talking this morning before you woke up, and I felt good about it, you know? But he's really hard to get a read off of. Like you. Neither of you really wear your emotions on your face."
I laughed a little. "He's definitely harder to read than me, that's for sure. I've known him twenty years and I still don't know what he's feeling half the time."
He sighed. "Reassuring."
I smiled. "I think that's a dad thing, though," I told him. "You don't have to worry, love. Of course he likes you."
"You really think?" he asked.
I nodded. "I know he does. All he wants is for me to be happy and safe, and he'd be absolutely blind to not see how happy you make me. And you make an effort, which means a lot to him, too. I told you that being yourself is all you've got to do."
"I guess," he said. "I just...I know how important he is to you, and vice versa, and I just want him to feel like I'm good enough to be with you. That's all."
It's honestly sweet that he cares so much. It's true that my father and Liam are pretty much the most important people in my life, and the fact that the current guy who could possibly be the Most Important Person In My Life Ever cares about their approval so much is nice. Jake was always polite and kind when he was here, so I think he cared somewhat, but at the end of the day, I don't think he really valued my family's opinion either way.
"Believe me," I replied. "He does think that. He's going to be wary, but he'd be that way for anyone. No matter what, you are good enough for me. Better than good enough. And nothing anyone else thinks could ever change how much I want to be with you."
He smiled and kissed my cheek, making me feel warm inside, despite the low temperature. "Thanks, Gemma. For making me feel loved. And for taking me on this walk. And for bringing me to your home and letting me in; really letting me in. It means a lot to me, truly."
He rarely calls me Gemma, so I always feel weird when he says it. Gemma. It's mostly Gem, and it's sometimes Clark, and occasionally it's the full thing: Gemma Clark. Even more rarely, Gemma Rose. I feel like he usually only uses Gemma in more serious situations. Like this. I feel like I only call him Shawn. You can't really shorten that like you can shorten Gemma.
I couldn't help but smile, thankful that the redness of my cheeks could be blamed on the cold. He makes me feel warm on the inside.
"Thank you for coming. And for wanting to. Your excitement and involvement in my family and just...the Nebraska side of me, I suppose, means the whole world to me," I told him, not being able to stop grinning. "You really are so unbelievably good to me, Shawn."
He shrugged. "Probably because I'm completely in love with you."
I laughed a bit. "Is that what it is?"
"Pretty much."
I smiled to myself and we kept walking, setting the sentimental talk to the side and beginning to chat about other random things. It was a quite lovely walk, so lovely that I forgot about how cold it was outside. He just does that.
"Thank you for walking with me," I said to him as we walked back into the house, even though I had already said it earlier. The heat hit me in a good way. I took off my coat and shoes, eager to enjoy a post-walk cuddling moment. We hadn't spoken about it, but it was pretty much a given. I need to be warmed up, don't I?
"Thank you for walking with me," he replied with a smile, kissing my forehead. "It was actually pretty nice."
"It was, wasn't it?" I said, walking into the kitchen. He followed. "Better than I expected."
"Everything you hoped it would be?" he asked.
I nodded. "And more."
He laughed, but I really meant it.
"But I'm very cold now," I said, brushing my hair behind my ear. "My bones are still frozen, I think."
"You just need a proper warming up," he told me. "I'd invite you to the guest room, but I'm not sure you'd actually show up."
I pretended to be offended, crossing my arms over my chest. "Guess you'll only find out if you invite me."
He grinned, then took my hand and pulled me close to him. "Want to come to my room, Clark?" he asked softly yet confidently, heating me up really quickly. My face got red, for some reason.
"I suppose I'd be up for that," I replied, grinning like him. I couldn't be more thankful that Dad was at work and Liam at his friend's house.
I followed him up the stairs, holding his hand the whole way up. When we got to the room, I closed the door behind us and he kissed
me right away, wasting no time. We do only have so much real alone time, and I'd like to savor all of it.
After we had separated, I fell onto the bed, quickly getting underneath the covers and pulling them up to my chin. He did the same, then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. I let out a deep breath, feeling quite at peace with my life in the current moment.
Neither of us spoke; we just laid there in quiet contentment for a moment or two. It was very nice.
"I can't wait to be part of the annual Clark Christmas Celebration," he said, and I could hear his smile in his voice. "The Triple C, if you will."
I laughed. "Well, we're all very excited for you to be there," I said. "I can't wait for you to meet Aunt Kate. She's going to adore you."
"I hope so," he replied. "I keep thinking like that, too. I keep thinking of all the people who will like you so much when they meet you. And then I realize that everyone you meet is going to like you because you're the easiest person to like."
"Not true," I said. "I'm sure someone will hate me."
"I wouldn't count on it," he replied. "Plus, my family's the same as yours. They just want to see me happy. And they'll probably catch on pretty quickly to the fact that you make me the happiest I've ever been."
I smiled and felt the butterflies in my stomach. So sweet. I love him so much.
"Ditto," I told him. I turned my head and kissed him, half on his lips and half on his face, making him laugh a little.
We were quiet a little while longer, and I was fine with that. I felt myself dozing off, even though it's like, one in the afternoon and I've done nothing to warrant a nap.
"I could fall asleep right now, I think," he said.
"I was literally just thinking that," I replied. "I don't see why that's a bad thing. A short nap wouldn't hurt anything."
"Oh, Gem," he said, stretching his arms out just to wrap them around me again. And that was all he said.
"What?" I replied, not seeing the problem with that. "I'm a tired girl."
"I know you are. I'm a tired guy, too," he said. "I just figured you, of all people, wouldn't want to waste our last few hours of alone time sleeping. I guess I was wrong, though."
I acted offended, then rolled over to face him. "You're the one who said you could fall asleep right now," I pointed out. "And if I had a more intriguing alternative to the nap, I don't think I'd be opposed. Nothing has been presented, though."
"That's the predicament, then," he said with a smile.
Neither of us said anything after that, because he kissed me and I always forget how to talk for a couple minutes when he does that. It's debilitating, in the best way.
"This is a good alternative," I breathed, making him laugh a little.
One of my favorite hobbies is making out with him. It sounds so awful and cringe and disgusting, but it really is one of my favorite things in life. It's just the best...only because it's with him, though. I don't love making out—I love making out with him.
I didn't really love to make out with Jake. Don't get me wrong—I enjoyed it, mostly, but with Shawn, things are just different. Way, way, way better. He is just really good at making me feel loved and he always knows what to do and it's always an eleven-out-of-ten experience. Every time is spectacular. Special.
I breathed him in as we kissed; he smelled incredible. I wrapped my arms around his neck after he had positioned himself more-so on top of me, kissing him over and over again, feeling breathless in the best possible way.
"Gem," he said, separating us and leaning his forehead against mine. He smiled, so I did, too. He didn't even say anything else, just that. I didn't know what the significance was.
So I kissed him again, biting his bottom lip so slightly. He got closer and made the kiss even more passionate, making me lose my mind. My brain felt a little foggy, like I couldn't really remember what we were talking about before this. All I could think about was this.
The make-out session went on for a while, never evolving into another more than that. Even if my dad's not here at the moment, I still worry that he will just incidentally come home early and end up finding us in bed and...well, I would rather just not take the risk.
"When's your dad usually get home?" Shawn asked as we laid in bed, both just looking at our phones.
"Six, seven-ish," I said, which was a good four or five hours from now. However—Liam. "I'll text my brother and see what his plan is. I'll probably just pick him up when he's ready."
me
hey kiddo. having fun?
His reply came a few minutes later.
liam
yep
me
know when you want to be picked up?
liam
probably like 4ish
That's great news.
me
okay cool. i'll talk to you closer to 4 then
liam
sounds good
"Liam says he wants to be picked up at four-ish, so that means we have about two hours of alone time, which seems like enough time for a nap to me," I announced.
"I would agree," he responded, holding me close to him like he was before. "I'm just so exhausted from kissing you."
I grinned. "It's quite the workout, huh?"
He hummed something like a sound of agreement, closing his eyes.
"I have to turn out the lights," I said softly, as if he was already sleeping, and he released me from his grasp. I got up, flipped the switch by the door, and got back into bed quickly. And he rewrapped his arms around me.
I set an alarm for 3:30, put my phone on the nightstand, then turned my head a bit to kiss him again.
"I love you," I said in a sing-song voice.
"Love you more," he mumbled.
"I would argue, but I just want to sleep," I replied, yawning. "So you can win that one."
"Fair enough," he said, yawning too.
We both just didn't talk after that, succumbing to our invalid fatigue. His arms around me didn't even bother me that much, surprisingly. Having his chest against my back felt good, because it was so much easier to breathe like him. Getting into a steady breathing pattern is really important for me to sleep, and I've gotten a lot better at it. It's really easy when I have a person right next to me whose breathing is super steady. I'm thankful for that.
When the alarm went off, I was really not feeling getting up. I looked at my phone to see if Liam had texted me. He had, requesting me to pick him up at four o'clock.
"I've got to get Liam at four," I said to Shawn, who still had his eyes closed. "You should just stay here and rest."
He didn't react for a second, then he stretched his arms over his head and yawned, looking at me with tired eyes.
"I'm coming with you," he replied drowsily.
"You don't have to," I told him. "I don't think this outing will be particularly eventful."
"Don't care. I want to come with," he said, sitting up.
"Alrighty then."
We got out of bed and I put on a little bit of mascara to at least look like I somewhat cared about my appearance. Then I put my messy hair in a ponytail to control it.
"What a cutie," I said with a smile, running my fingers through his hair, which was pretty messy, too. It was cute on him, though.
He smiled a little. "Thanks. I try."
And so we left, driving for a short amount of time to Liam's friend's house. I texted Liam, and soon enough, he emerged from the house and walked to the car.
"I never get shotgun anymore because of your boyfriend," Liam said to me when he got in the car.
Shawn looked at me like he was offended and shocked that Liam had disrespected him, even though I knew they were both joking.
"A lot of people would love to have me riding shotgun, for your information," he replied to Liam, making me laugh.
"This is true," I added as I backed out of the driveway. "Many would call you lucky."
"It's not that I don't want you here, it's just that I would prefer you in the backseat," Liam replied. I grinned. They have already gotten on well. They argue like they've known each other for years.
"I'm a lot bigger than you. I need more space," Shawn argued, looking back at Liam.
"There's plenty of space back here. One might call it spacious," Liam said, stretching his arms out to demonstrate. "And you're really not that much bigger than me." Not true.
Shawn looked back at me. "Did you know that he is exactly like you?"
I gave him a doubtful look. "Offensive."
"I second that," Liam chimed in. "I'm nothing like her."
"Believe me. You guys are unbelievably similar," Shawn said, but I wasn't really buying it. Dad always says Liam and I act just alike. Maybe we just can't see it.
"Whatever you say," I said. "Now that we're all here, what should I make for dinner?"
"If you're cooking? Cereal," Liam answered. Shawn laughed. I frowned.
"That's just rude," I said. "I try to do something nice for the family, and you just make fun of me for it. Cook your own dinner if I'm so terrible."
"I didn't mean to laugh," Shawn told me, putting his hand on my shoulder. I rolled my eyes, and he kissed my cheek.
"I was just joking, Gemma," Liam said. "If you're asking for suggestions, I want tacos."
"Okay. I will take that into consideration," I replied. "But I will also take your offensive comments into consideration."
"Whatever."
We got home shortly after finishing our conversation, and Dad still wasn't home, so we played basketball in the driveway. Shawn and I versus Liam. Liam insisted on these teams, even though anyone could say that they were very uneven. Liam kept doing all these fancy moves and kept draining three pointers, and no one on my team was really putting it in that much effort, so he beat us. Neither of us were really bothered by it, though.
We came back inside and sat in the living room for a while to warm up. Liam turned on a basketball game, so the night was off to an exhilarating start. After laying on the couch with my boyfriend for a good amount of time and yelling at the TV during the Lakers game, I decided to get started on dinner, insisting that Shawn not help me because "I needed to do this on my own." Which was kind of true. I just didn't want him to feel like he needed to help. I typically work better solo anyway.
Tacos was the only request I got, and they're easy to make, so I decided that that would be a good meal.
I heard the door open and shut, meaning that Dad was home. He came into the kitchen and gave me a weird look.
"Are you cooking?" he asked skeptically.
I nodded. "Yes. Tacos."
Dad slowly nodded, as if he was still trying to understand, but accepted it. "Okay, well, that's great. Carry on."
He turned to leave the kitchen.
"I will," I replied, feeling as though I had to prove myself, since there are all these doubters in my household. "It should be ready in about ten."
"Sounds awesome, Gem."
I went back to my work and he went into the living room, greeting the boys and instantly becoming invested in that stupid basketball game. I couldn't help but feel like this was just a tad patriarchal, but then again, I volunteered. Besides, I was just happy to see Shawn getting along with Liam and my dad so well. I mean, I knew they would, but it's just nice to actually see it happening. He was so worried about them liking him, but I knew that they would. He's the sort of person who's kind of impossible to dislike.
My taco spread was not too bad, if I do say so myself. The boys ate it right up, you know, as boys do, and I couldn't help but feel a little accomplished. I mean, taco meat is not very challenging to prepare, but still. It's just different for me. I like the feeling of providing, if you can even call it that. I enjoy doing things for the people I love. I enjoy taking a small amount of responsibility off my dad's back after a long day of work by making dinner for us. Sometimes I think I'd make a decent wife/mother, but then I remember that I wouldn't at all.
"You outdid yourself, Gemma," Liam told me as he put his plate in the sink. He always finishes so early because he just inhales his food. I swear, he doesn't even chew. He just breathes it in and then repeats the process.
I was pleasantly surprised by this comment, since Liam is typically the first to criticize me. "Thanks, Liam. I'm glad you enjoyed it."
"Well, you only outdid yourself because the bar was set really low for you," he replied. There it is.
"Liam," my dad scolded.
"Kidding!" he quickly said before running up to his room.
Dad shook his head, and I smiled. It didn't really bother me too much.
When my dad finished, he kissed the top of my head and thanked me for the meal, then sat in his recliner and probably instantly fell asleep. Shawn and I happily took care of the small
amount of dishes.
"Thanks for cooking," he said to me, smiling as we stood at the sink, me washing and him drying. "It was really good. And I'm not even just saying that."
I chuckled. "Well, thank you. And I'm glad you liked it. Couldn't have done it without your constant love and support."
He smiled and shook his head.
We worked in silence for a couple moments, and the sound of my dad snoring confirmed my theory about him sleeping in the recliner. The dim kitchen lights lit the room up a little, but not much, because it's that time of year when it gets pitch black at like, four in the afternoon.
"You're a really good daughter, Gem," Shawn said softly after a minute, just out of the blue. "And sister. Like, I just think you're the best that it could get for your dad and Liam. You obviously mean so much to them."
Why is he so sweet?
"That's really kind of you to say," I replied with a smile. "I try to be good. It's not very hard though, because I just want to give them the best, you know? It's just not hard to want to make an effort for my own family. I mean, you know how it is."
He nodded. "Yeah, you're right. Still," he said. "There are lots of people who move away from their family and just let themselves drift apart from them, but you're the opposite. You just try so hard to be there for Liam and your dad, all the time. Even though you have this crazy, different, California life now, this is still the life you care about most. And that's just...that's just really great of you."
My heart melted a bit in my chest. He dried and put away the last dish, relieving me.
"I just care a lot about the people I love, I guess," I said with a shrug.
"Such a unique concept, that is," he joked.
I shoved him playfully, smiling. "Shut up. It's true."
"I know it is," he replied, kissing my cheek. "I love that about you. I really do."
I looked at the ground, trying to contain my smile. "I love you."
"I love you, too," he told me.
By the time we went to bed that night, my dad was fast asleep, so I went directly to the guest room to be with Shawn.
"I'm exhausted," he said when we were comfortably in bed. "Why? I don't know, because it's not like I did anything particularly productive or taxing."
"Well, all I know is you need lots of rest before the Clark Christmas Celebration. The Triple C," I told him with a smile.
The Clark Christmas Celebration is an annual celebration that was previously held by my father and mother, but is now held by Aunt Kate and her boyfriend. It happens every December twenty-third, and is a get-together only for my dad's siblings and parents. We go to my mom's side on Christmas Eve, then have a big party with my dad's extended family on Christmas day, but the Triple C is only for our small family. My dad, his kids, my Aunt Kate, her boyfriend, and my dad's older brother's family. He has kids that are a little older than me. We get on alright, I suppose.
And of course, the celebration includes Nana, my dad's mom. Papa passed away about four years ago. And then my mom a little while later, so my dad definitely had a bit of a tough go at it for a while there. We all did.
"I cannot wait to attend my first ever Triple C," Shawn said, sounding genuinely excited.
"The first of many," I replied with a smile, kidding and not kidding.
"I hope so," he said, and I agreed. "Do you think it'll be awkward, me being there?
"Not at all. It'll be completely normal," I reassured him, knowing that it would really be normal. There's no reason for it to not be.
It's weird that Jake never came to a Clark Christmas Celebration, but Shawn and I just hit six months and he's already just about made it to one. It doesn't feel odd at all. I feel like our relationship is a bit expedited, but not in a bad way. Just in a way that I feel like we are totally on the same page about everything that there's no gray area. We know what we want our relationship to be, and we know that for it to succeed, we both need to be the best versions of ourselves. We're serious about this.
"I can't wait to bask in the glory of you with all your family," he told me. "I'm going to tell everyone about your book. And about how you made the Chancellor's List for the sixth semester in a row."
"Don't," I whined at him. "Don't brag about me. My cousin goes to Princeton, so there's really not much to brag about there. He's probably on the Chancellor's List, too. I'm not going to look too impressive next to Princeton."
He rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, did your cousin write a book? A book that's getting published, may I add?"
I sighed. "I can't say for certain, but I don't think so."
"And do I look like I care about Princeton?" he asked.
I looked at him and pretended to examine his face. "I'm going to go with no."
"Exactly," he said. "You're way cooler than Princeton. And you probably would've gotten in, too, if you had applied there."
"How do you know I didn't?" I asked. I didn't.
"Because," he said, like it was obvious. "You would have gotten in. Duh."
I rolled my eyes. "There you go again, talking about things you know nothing about. Having the utmost faith in me, always. Which is sweet, yet unrealistic."
He smiled and kissed me, just a peck on the lips. "Maybe you just don't give yourself enough credit, Gemma Clark."
"Maybe not," I agreed. Then I had a moment of realization. "I wrote you a poem."
"You did?" he asked with a smile.
I nodded. "I'll get it."
Then I hopped off the bed, went into my room, tore the paper out of my notebook, and brought it back into the guest room, proofreading it on the way to make sure it wasn't horrendous.
I handed it to him.
"Can I read it out loud?" he asked.
"I will die of cringe, but go ahead," I said. I kind of wanted to hear him say it. Just to feel what it's like to listen to him say the words that I wrote about him. I think that'd be nice.
"when i wake up to your footsteps
as you get up out of bed
they make a song that sounds so simple
that it dances in my head
a melody so perfect
that it gets me through the day
and the thought of us forever
is one that will never go away
holding hands and sharing secrets
building our future in my head
we'll hang our pictures in the hallway
i'll leave you poems on our bed
the whole world seems so simple
like a venice summer day
they say that nothing lasts forever
but they've never felt this way
so let's hold on together
when you're near and when you're far
i'll hold you in my arms now
and i'll always hold you in my heart."
It was better than I remembered, actually. I'm kind of pleased with it. I was so nervous to hear what he thought about it, though.
"Gemma," he simply said, his voice soft. The lamp illuminated his face enough for me to see his expression, but he was still looking down at the paper.
"What?" I asked, an involuntary smile creeping onto my lips.
He didn't say anything; rather, he took my face in his hands and kissed me, a slow and steady kiss that felt so perfect, so easy. A kiss that made me completely melt.
"How can one person be so incredible?" he asked when we had pulled apart, still close to me. I blushed, for some reason.
"I could say the same thing about you."
He kissed me again, making me feel good.
"Seriously, Gem. I...I don't even know what to say," he told me. "I love it. I love you."
I smiled again. "I love you, too."
"This is why I never show you any of the songs I write about you," he said, leaning his head back against his pillow. "Because they don't rival that."
I rolled my eyes. "You can't even be serious. I've heard songs you've written, Shawn, and they are way better than that."
"Not true," he said, shaking his head. "It just...makes me nervous that you're so talented. If you weren't so talented, the bar would be set way lower, but you set the bar really high with this poetry thing, and I really do love it, but also, you make it hard to compete."
I know he's trying to be nice, and it really is sweet. But it's borderline insane to claim that any of my poetry even rivals one of his songs. They're not even in the same field.
"That's dumb. You are way more talented than me. You put the poems to music, and I couldn't even begin to do that."
"I honestly think you could, with ease. Coming up with the words is definitely the hardest part," he replied. "But it seems so easy for you. How?"
"It's not easy at all," I said, which is really true. Sometimes, you have the words, but it's hard to arrange them, and make them make sense, and connect them. It's a lot more than just thinking of the words. "It's actually really hard, especially when it has to somewhat rhyme. It takes me a long time to come up with the right words, sometimes."
"How long did it take you to write this?" he asked, holding up the paper.
"Like, fifteen minutes," I answered. "I wrote it last night, before bed. But, it's pretty easy when I have you as my inspiration. You stir up all the feelings in my heart."
He smiled and kissed my forehead, stirring up the feelings again. All the good feelings. "I'm never letting you go, Clark. It's simply not an option."
I laughed lightly, hoping he meant that. I think about us breaking up a lot—not because I want to break up with him, but because I know that the majority of relationships end in breaking up, and I can't help but worry if we will too, and how and when and why...it just scares me. I know it's something I shouldn't worry about, but I can't help it. My anxieties demand to be felt.
I just wonder why. What could happen between us to break us up? How would it happen? Would it be mutual or one-sided? Would he move on quickly? Would I move on quickly? The thoughts just run through my brain at lightning speeds.
But the fact is that I feel confident about us. And I don't feel confident about much in my life, so that's saying a lot. I certainly
don't feel like he's going to break up with me. Not at the moment, at least. That's not my concern. My concern is the future, not-inevitable-but-statistically-likely eventual break up.
"Agreed," I replied with a sigh, laying my head on his chest. He wrapped an arm around me.
"Either way, I love you. Always will," he said softly. I wondered if that was true. If we broke up, would he still always love me? Would I always love him? I think so. I really think I will always love him.
"I love you, too," I told him with a small smile. "Always will."
I really meant it.
———
gemmaclark
gemmaclark who is more festive: me or this random person's house that we encountered on our christmas eve eve morning walk
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edithjonesharrison you for sure. you're too cute not to win
shawnmendes getting sick and tired of you not giving me any photo cred. you could at least tag me.
———
the next day
"How cute are you?" I said to Shawn when he walked into my room, making him roll his eyes. I sat on the floor in front of the mirror, doing my makeup, while he just looked effortlessly perfect naturally. So rude.
"I don't know. You tell me," he replied coolly.
I smiled, running my fingers through my hair. "Off the charts cute."
He smiled, too. "That's good to know."
I turned back to the mirror, putting mascara on as I sang along softly to the Ed Sheeran song that was playing...Hearts Don't Break Around Here. After mascara, I put on a subtle nude lipstick and some gloss on top.
"Have you been watching me?" I asked, suddenly noticing his eyes on me in the mirror. I turned around with the lip gloss tube in one hand and the applicator in the other, as I had stopped mid-application to say that.
He nodded. "You're doing great. You look amazing."
I smiled, turning back to the mirror to put on a little more lip gloss. I put it back in my makeup bag when I was done, then stood up and went over to Shawn, wrapping my arms around his neck. I leaned down to kiss him, transferring half that lip gloss to his lips.
When I pulled away from him, he wiped the gloss from my mouth. I laughed a little.
"A little sparkle never hurt anyone, you know," I told him, running my fingers through his hair, which probably messed it up.
"That doesn't mean I want to wear your lip gloss," he replied as he fixed his hair.
"Just saying," I replied, putting my hands up in defense.
He stood up, and we both looked at ourselves in the mirror. We looked good. We look better together. I wrapped my arms around him and leaned my head on his shoulder.
"We're kind of cute, actually," I said, looking at our reflection with a small smile.
"I was thinking the same thing," he replied. "I think we look better together."
"You really think?" I asked. I felt the same. I really hope he means that.
He nodded. "I mean, you always look perfect, but I just look so noticeably happier when I'm with you. Anyone with eyes can see that."
I blushed. "Me too."
Just at that moment, Liam's voice boomed from downstairs.
"Let's go, lovebirds! You better be in the car in sixty seconds or less!"
I gave Shawn an annoyed look, and then we headed downstairs. Then we went outside to the car; I sat in the passenger's seat next to my dad while Shawn sat in the back with Liam.
I turned around and looked at him. "I would sit next to you, but then Liam would get to sit in the front, and he doesn't deserve that sort of satisfaction."
"Haha, you're so funny," Liam said sarcastically. Shawn laughed. I rolled my eyes.
We arrived at Aunt Kate's house after about thirty minutes. I was a little nervous for some reason, even though I know everyone will absolutely adore Shawn. I guess I just feel a little vulnerable about it. I know there's nothing to worry about, though.
I took his hand as we walked towards the door, assuming that he was nervous. He seems cool, calm, and collected, but I know that he's got his own little anxieties, and meeting my family is one of them. Even though he shouldn't even be worried, because he's so easy to love. He says he feels comfortable around my dad and Liam already, which I'm so thankful for. He claimed that my nana is the only person he's super concerned with making a good impression on, which is fair.
"Just have fun," I told him softly as Dad and Liam walked ahead of us. "Don't worry about what everyone else is thinking of you. Just try and enjoy yourself, okay?"
He nodded. "I'm more excited than nervous, honestly."
"Really?" I asked, smiling widely. That'd be really nice, if it's true.
"Yeah," he replied. "It should be fun, hm?"
I kissed his cheek and kept my smile. "It will. I love you."
"I love you, too, Gem."
Aunt Kate shares the same affinity for Christmas as me, and her house is always decorated like it came straight out of a JCPenney's catalogue. This year's no different. I instantly felt so relieved to be here. It just feels so right. All these people that I love, all under one roof. It's crazy, and it fills me with the most joy.
"There's my pretty girl!"
Aunt Kate was coming at me, arms open for a hug. I love Aunt Kate to the core of my being. Words can't even describe how much she means to me and how much she's done for me. She's talked me off ledges, held me during my worst cries, talked to me in the middle of the night, and has just been the person I needed to step in for me when Mom died. She'll never be my mom, obviously, but her warmth and love and kindness has meant so much to me the past few years. I'm so thankful for her, and her approval of my boyfriend is very important to me. And vice versa, really.
"I've missed you," I said into her shoulder. I really meant that.
"I've missed you, too, Gem. But now we're together again!" she replied, pulling out of the hug and smiling at me. Then she turned to my boyfriend. "And you must be Shawn, a.k.a. the man of Gemma's dreams."
He laughed while my face turned red as a tomato.
"She talks about you like you are, at least," Aunt Kate added, and I looked at him and shrugged. It's probably true.
"I'd really like to be. I mean, she's the girl of my dreams," he said, making me roll my eyes. Aunt Kate smiled. If I'm the girl of this dreams, then his dreams suck, quite frankly.
"Well, it's amazing to finally meet you," she said, hugging him and most definitely taking him off guard. "I'm a hugger, by the way."
He laughed. Seems like a solid first meeting.
"It's nice to meet you, too," he told her. "Gemma talks about you all the time."
"Well, Gemma talks about you all the time when I'm with her," Aunt Kate said with a smile.
"Okay, we get it," I interjected. "I like both of you a lot. Can we move on?"
They both laughed.
"I'll let you visit with everyone else, and then we'll reconvene, okay? I need to annoy to your father, anyway," Aunt Kate told me, and I nodded in reply.
After that, I introduced him to my other aunt and uncle, and their three kids who are all a little older than us, Aunt Kate's boyfriend-but-almost-fiancé-because-he-claims-he's-proposing-soon, David, and my grandma, Nana, who Shawn loved and who loved Shawn. They talked for like twenty minutes, just him and Nana, and I'm pretty sure she likes him more than me.
"He's a keeper, hm?" Aunt Kate said when it was just she and I talking. He was now talking to my dad and David, and they were all laughing. My heart.
I nodded. "I know we haven't been together that long, and it sounds crazy, but..."
I stopped and looked over at him again. He looked over at me at the exact same time, and he smiled. I smiled, too. Then he went back to his conversation, leaving my head buzzing with all of these wonderful feelings that I feel for him.
"I think he might be the one."
I was shocked to even hear myself say it. I've never admitted such a thing; of course, I've said that I see a future with him and I do want him to be the one, very badly, but I don't know if I've ever let myself believe that he is. It sounds crazy to say that he's the one. How am I supposed to know, anyway?
Aunt Kate squealed, a huge smile on her face. "I think so, too, Gem. I've never seen you so happy. And he's just incredible. It's so obvious that you two are so in love."
"Really?" I asked. I always thought we hid it pretty well.
She nodded. "Totally. Just by the way you look at each other. I keep seeing him look over at you; it's so cute."
I couldn't help but smile.
"He's gotten along with Liam and Dad so easily, and he's just so understanding in every way," I said. "I always felt on edge when Jake came to visit, but with Shawn, I feel so comfortable."
"Your dad likes him," Aunt Kate said with a small smile.
"Did he tell you?" I asked. This would be big for Shawn, spoken affirmation.
She nodded. "We were talking earlier. He said he was nervous about him, after Jake and stuff, but he said that Shawn has pleasantly surprised him. He said that he can tell that you're really happy, and he thinks that he treats you really well. So, I think you've got his blessing."
I knew my dad would like him, but it's still a relief to hear. My dad's approval means a lot to me, obviously, and it means a lot to Shawn, too, which is good to know. And I guess he's got it.
"I knew he would like him, but he was still so worried about it. It was quite funny, actually," I said.
"At least he cares," she replied. "I'd rather have someone who cares too much than doesn't care at all."
I nodded. "Definitely. I'm glad he cares so much."
I looked at him again, but this time he didn't look at me. He seemed rather invested in his conversation, which was fine by me.
"He's a good one. A really good one. I'm beyond blessed, really," I said with a sigh. "I just hope he feels the same."
"He does, sweetie," Aunt Kate reassured me. I mean, I know he loves me and I know he wants to be with me, but does he really think I could be "the one?" I didn't even believe in "the one" until I met him, and the fact that I think he might be it is a little frightening, quite frankly.
Our conversation drifted away from my relationship as we started talking about my book and Aunt Kate's possible future wedding, "if David would ever propose," in her words. Every time I talk to her, I feel like I could talk for three hours. It seems as though, even when we've talked about everything, there is still something else to talk about. I like that.
A while later, Aunt Kate went to prepare some food or something, and Shawn took the opportune moment to steal her spot.
"Hey you," I said, smiling at his arrival. "I feel like I haven't seen you all night."
"I've been busy mingling," he replied, leaning back against the couch cushion. "Trying to make everyone like you is kind of exhausting."
I chuckled. "Oh, come on. It's effortless for you."
"Not really, Gem," he said. "I like everyone, though. But Nana is my favorite, for sure."
I had to smile. What a cutie.
"She's your nana now, too?" I joked.
He nodded. "I don't see why not. She really likes me, if you couldn't tell."
"Oh, I could tell. You two are absolutely adorable," I replied, which was totally true. My adorable boyfriend and my adorable grandmother is a winning combination.
"How was talking to my dad and David? That seemed to go on for a while," I asked.
"It was good," he simply said.
I wanted more. "What'd you talk about?"
"Um...you. Your aunt Kate. The economy, for a few minutes," he said, making me laugh a little. "We talked about a lot of things, actually. We talked about my life for a while, which was awful, because I hate talking about myself."
"Sounds like a good time," I replied. "It wasn't awkward?"
He shook his head. "Nah. Talking to your dad was awkward at first, but I feel comfortable with him now. We can just talk normally; I don't really feel weird around him anymore. And David's chill."
That was so good to hear. I had this bad scenario in my brain that they wouldn't like each other, or that my dad would hate him for no good reason, or that they would just always be awkward around each other...I'm so glad that's not the case. They seem to get on well with each other. And David is chill.
"Well, I'm very glad to hear it," I said to him with a smile. "I'm pretty sure everyone here is going to like you more than me by the end of the night, but I don't really mind. You deserve it."
He chuckled. "I don't think so. Everyone I've spoken to talks about you like you are the best thing since sliced bread."
"They do not." I didn't believe that.
"They really do," he replied. "I mean, of course they do. You are the best thing since sliced bread."
I smiled and shook my head. "You're a crazy person."
He shrugged. I leaned my head against his shoulder and breathed in deeply.
"Thank you for being you," I said softly. "For doing this and for being the way you are. I really don't deserve it."
"You deserve the best version of me, because you give me the best version of you all the time," he replied. "I love you, and I plan on loving your family, too. That's just what you do, and that's what I want to do."
Maybe he does feel it like I do.
I kissed him, quickly and innocently, seeing we were here in the middle of this family event. We smiled at each afterwards, all lovey dovey like. It's hard not to be all lovey dovey when you're so stupidly into someone.
"I love you," I told him.
He was about to kiss me again, but our conversation was interrupted by Liam.
"If you kiss in front of me, I will vomit," he announced.
"Why are you over here, then?" I asked, a little peeved because I like kissing my boyfriend and I don't like being interrupted.
"I'm bored," he whispered, like someone would he offended. "Nobody here is my age. The only kids are old, like you guys, or babies."
"What do you want me to about that?"
He groaned. "I don't know. I just want to complain."
"We can play a game. The three of us," Shawn suggested. I glared at him. A total idiot. The last thing I want is to share my boyfriend with my terribly annoying little brother.
And so we played a riveting game of "I Spy," which I was really good at and the boys were really bad at. It was actually kind of fun. By the time we were done with that, it was time to eat, and after that, it was time for presents. The only people who get presents at this event are the adults, and all the grandkids get their presents from Nana.
I might be alone on this, but watching other people open presents is my favorite thing, even though I hate opening presents. It's not even the presents themselves; it's just the thought that is put into them and the joy they bring sometimes. I just like seeing the reactions.
My dad's siblings and their respective spouses/partners took turns exchanging gifts, while the rest of us watched. It sounds really boring, but it's really not. It's just one of those things we've always done, and I enjoy it thoroughly. I'm pretty boring though, I suppose.
Aunt Kate got my dad a crockpot, which he really needed, because he dropped the last one on the driveway at Thanksgiving (total disaster). My dad got Aunt Kate a gift card, because that's the type of gift giver he is.
"Okay, my turn," David, Aunt Kate's boyfriend, announced. "I've got one for Kate."
Aunt Kate got all red. "You didn't have to get me anything, David; really."
He didn't listen though. He pulled a small box out of the pocket of his jacket, then got down on one knee. The whole room got quiet as everyone said soft "oh my Gods" and awed. I teared up, if I'm being honest.
"Kate, you've been my whole world for three and a half years now. You've turned my life upside down and changed it in the best way. I always thought that finding someone who was perfect for me was impossible, but then I met you, and now I know that the only thing that is impossible is living a life without you."
Aunt Kate was crying, because we Clark women are good at crying. At least, I am.
"Katherine Clark, I love you more than anything in the world. Will you marry me?"
Everyone held their breaths for the following few seconds. I knew she was going to say yes, but still. The moment was so suspenseful.
"Of course I will," she said through tears and a little laughter. Love brings so many emotions, really.
He slid the ring on her finger, then he stood up and they kissed and everyone clapped, blah blah blah. Shawn squeezed my hand, making me smile.
"I'm getting married!" Aunt Kate exclaimed. She was grinning. I felt so happy for her.
I hopped up to congratulate her, but mostly to look at the ring. It was so beautiful and suited her to perfection.
The party ended a little later than usual with all of the buzz about the newly engaged couple, but we made it home at a somewhat reasonable hour. All the talk of love and engagement made me really want to be alone with my boyfriend, and, thankfully, Dad and Liam headed off to bed as soon as we got home. I pretended to search through TV channels until they were all in their rooms, including Shawn. When I was sure the coast was clear, I tiptoed upstairs to the guest room, opening the door slowly. He was already laying in bed, looking at his phone. He didn't even look up when I walked in.
"Hey," I said, crawling into bed next to him.
"Hi, Gem."
He put his phone down and gave me a small smile. I laid close to him so we were face to face.
"I'm sad that I'm leaving tomorrow," he told me. "I mean, I'm obviously happy to see my family, but I'm gonna miss it here."
I smiled. "Really?"
He nodded. "Really."
That made me so happy. So, so happy. Having your significant other love your family and vice versa is like, the most important thing to everyone, especially if you're super close to your family. I couldn't ask for better.
"Dad and Liam like you. They'll miss us around for sure," I said, sighing. "Makes me feel bad."
"I know," he simply said. Usually he tries to convince me that I shouldn't feel guilty, but he didn't say anything like that.
"I wish it was easier," I said. "I wish I just knew what to do."
He didn't reply right away.
"It never gets easier. You just get better at ignoring it."
I looked at him, feeling like I got a glimpse at his heart. I want him to tell me how he feels about it. How it feels to always be leaving people. I want him to unlock the chain around his heart that keeps it all in. He can tell me. It's safe with me.
"It still hurts, just as badly?" I asked.
He nodded, rolling over to look at the ceiling. "It feels like you're letting them down, even though they'd never say that. Leaving you feels like that, too. Leaving people that you love makes you wonder if it's all even worth it."
My heart broke, thinking about him feeling like that. It sucks.
"You've never let me down," I told him softly. "You doing what you love could never disappoint me or your family. Giving it up at all for the sake of us would, though."
"I know," he said. "It's stupid of me to even act like I'm so burdened. My life is a dream. I'm just lucky to have the most incredible people in it."
He looked over at me and I smiled.
"You can't help feeling the way you feel," I told him. "Just because your problems aren't as big as someone else's doesn't mean it still doesn't suck. It still does. But, you're right. You do have some pretty amazing people in your life."
"Believe me, I know," he replied, leaning in slowly before kissing me, putting his hand on the side of my face. I melted.
And then we just kissed, long enough that I was surprised I could speak coherently afterwards.
"Stay with me tonight," he said, taking my hand. I knew it was risky, and my dad probably wouldn't like Shawn as much if he found out, but I didn't really care. Staying here with him felt like the only right thing to do.
I kissed him one more time, like the cherry on top.
"Okay."
———
hey everyone! this was a hecka long chapter, but oh well. i hope you liked it?? if not, spare my feelings and don't tell me. thanks.
thank you for reading and voting and being loyal readers. it means so much to me :)
➡️ what's the jam?
some of my current faves:
• come to brazil - why don't we
• angel - finneas
• jesus in LA - alec benjamin
• queen of the night - hey violet
• strangers - the jo bros
• preacher man - the driver era
let me know what you're listening to!!!
okay, thanks for reading!! see you at the next update!!!
xx-maggie