chapter playlist ⏯
• eyes off you - prettymuch
• moonlight - ariana grande
• best part - H.E.R. feat. daniel caeser
———
a couple weeks later
gemma clark <<<
me
wanna meet up after i get off work at 3?
shawn
can't. don't get out of here til 5
me
i've got a skype meeting with isaac and my agent at 5...how about like 7?
shawn
i have that press thing at 7. remember?
me
riiiiight
shawn
you can come over when i'm done
me
at midnight? i need my sleep, love
shawn
i know...it'll be late.
shawn
i'm sorry. this really sucks
me
don't be sorry. we're just busy these days. we'll be spending lots of time together tomorrow, so a little separation is probably good for us
shawn
i guess. i'd like to see you, though
me
i'd like to see you too. you have the best face in the world
shawn
thanks
me
you can just come over after your thing and sleep with me. no point in driving all the way home. i'll be up anyway
shawn
i think going to your place would actually take longer, but i'd be stupid to turn down such an incredible offer
me
you don't have to if it's too much trouble
shawn
no trouble at all. i want to, anyway
shawn
ugh i've got to go :(((
me
sigh. it's hard being in love with the most incredible person in the world
shawn
i would know
me
haha okay have fun. i love you <3
shawn
love you too
———
later that night
"You're early!" I exclaimed after I had swung the door open to reveal my unfairly handsome boyfriend.
Shawn smiled and shrugged. "I pulled a few strings. Ten thirty's not too bad, right?"
He closed the door behind him and I couldn't help but smile, too. "Ten thirty is incredible."
We both laughed a little and he pulled me into his arms, holding me close to him. We stayed like that for a moment; it was the most peaceful I've felt in days. He breathed in and out deeply, as if the exhaustion was actually falling off his shoulders. I always underestimate his fatigue, because he's usually so incredible and unfazed. But God, he must be tired.
"Wanna go straight to bed?" I asked, my voice muffled in his shoulder.
"Yes."
"To sleep," I clarified.
"Obviously," he replied, looking at me like he was insulted. "All I want is sleep. I don't even have enough energy to stand."
Glad we're on the same page.
And so, only a few minutes later, we were both in my bed, hanging onto consciousness by a thread.
"Ready for tomorrow?" he asked, looking over at me.
I sighed. "I guess. I don't know. I thought I'd feel better about it by now...I'm just nervous."
"You have nothing to be nervous about, Gem," he told me. "You're always great, and you'll be great again this time. I'm sure of it."
Shawn and I are taking a "business trip" to New York City tomorrow. It sounds very grown-up and official when you say it like that, and I like it. In reality, I have a big meeting about my book with Isaac and other people
of the company who are making my book happen, and I'm really stressed. Shawn has stuff to do, too (famous people things), so it was just the perfect time to go together. Tomorrow's Tuesday, my meeting is Wednesday, and we're staying until Thursday night; it's almost like a mini-vacation. Almost.
I'm just excited for us to be away from our lives a little bit. The stress and business and hectic lives we've been living lately are really putting a wall in between us. Exhibit A: right now. I haven't seen him in two days, but we're both too tired to stay awake and spend time with each other.
"I hope you're right," I said.
"I am," he replied confidently. And that was the end of that conversation.
He fell asleep first; I was in the middle of a story about a parking lot confrontation I had earlier when I looked over and saw him passed out. I'm just glad he fell asleep first.
It didn't take me long to fall asleep as well; however, at two-thirty, I was jolted awake—I really did feel utterly jolted. I sat up and tried to catch my breath. If I had a nightmare, I couldn't remember it.
"What's wrong?" I heard Shawn's voice ask, sounding worried. I must have woken him up.
I shook my head and laid back down. "Nothing. I just...woke up."
"Abruptly?" he asked. "It seemed abrupt to me."
I smiled a little and nodded. "It was definitely abrupt. Did I wake you up, too?"
He yawned. "Not really. I've been off and on all night."
I frowned. I felt bad. "Is it because of me?"
"No," he quickly replied. "I don't know what it is. Usually I sleep better here than in my own bed...tonight, though, I just feel weird. Maybe I'm just too stressed."
"Maybe you need some tea or something," I said.
"Tea?" he asked.
"Yeah. Like sleepy tea."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Tea that helps you sleep," I explained, even though it didn't need explaining.
"Do you have this magic tea?" he asked.
I nodded. "I don't typically have much trouble falling asleep, so I don't use it that often, but I'm pretty sure I have some. Want me to make it for you?"
"No, I'll be good. Just stay here and don't get up," he told me.
"I really don't mind," I told him, knowing he said no just because he didn't want me to go through the trouble. "And you need your rest."
He thought about it for a second. "Well, if you really want to make it for me, I'll drink it."
I really didn't mind at all. He's been so busy and we have to be up early tomorrow.
"I'll come with you," he said as I got out of bed, throwing the blankets off of himself.
I didn't object, and we walked to the kitchen, where I located the "sleepy tea."
"It's just chamomile tea, actually," I told him. "But my mom called it sleepy tea. It supposedly helps with anxiety, so my mom would always have it ready for me. You really should start drinking it, actually. It might help you."
He shrugged. He's reluctant to believe he needs any kind of help.
"How long have you had anxiety? Like, when did you start taking medicine for it?" he questioned curiously.
"Sixth grade," I told him. "I was a very, very anxious child. Scared of everything, nervous about everything. Kinda like I am now."
He smiled. "I can't believe you've been like this for that long. I mean, since you were that young. That just have been really hard."
I nodded. "It was. My dad was always really
anxious, so my mom had a loose outline for what worked and what didn't. I used to have trouble sleeping because I had an existential crisis every time I closed my eyes—true story—and so my mom started making me sleepy tea. It used to work pretty well for me," I told him with a shrug.
"How's it work, anyway?" he asked, resting his head against his hand.
"Um, well, it contains something called apigenin, which is an antioxidant that binds to the benzodiazepine receptors in your brain, and that makes you sleepy," I told him. "It just...relaxes your nerves, I guess. Calms you down. You could use it."
"Benzodiazepine," he repeated in a mocking tone. "You know I have no idea what that is."
"Yes, you do," I told him. "They're central nervous system depressants. Xanax. Valium."
"Oh," he said. "You could use that."
I gave him a look and he smiled.
"Here you go, my love," I said, handing him a warm cup of tea. I hope he feels better. I love making people feel better.
"Thanks, Gem," he replied, taking it. "I love you."
"I love you, too," I said.
He took one sip and pretended to immediately fall asleep; I suppose that was some attempt at humor. I laughed.
"You're a total loser," I told him, still grinning.
"Says the girl watching me drink tea at three in the morning," he said. "That seems pretty loser-ish to me."
He drank it pretty quickly, letting me have a few sips every now and then, and soon enough, we were back in bed.
"I love being in love with you," he murmured, kissing the side of my head before rolling over farther onto his side of the bed. I smiled to myself.
He must have fallen asleep, because when I said, "Why's that?" he didn't say anything back.
———
the next day
"Here we go," I said softly, the nervousness obvious in my voice. The takeoff is the worst part, by far. The landing sucks, too. Everything in between is a little less scary.
I looked out the plane window and my stomach turned. I'm not afraid of flying, but I wouldn't say it's my preferred method of transportation.
"Oh, Gem," Shawn said, looking over at me and shaking his head. He thought I was a total baby just because flying makes me a little nervous.
"You act so tough, but it turns out you're just as weak as the rest of us. Just as human," he said with amusement.
"I've never claimed to transcend humanity, Shawn."
"You sorta act like it, though."
I scrunched up my eyebrows. "How so?"
"No, you don't act like it," he corrected himself. "You just sort of...come off as though you transcend humanity. In a good way. An intriguing way. It's just the way you carry yourself; you always seem so untouchable."
I couldn't tell if he really meant it or if he was just trying to cover up his true feelings about me being stuck up. I don't think I'm particularly stuck up. I'm not sure what I would even have to be stuck up about. I'm from Nebraska, for crying out loud.
"I'm the most human person I know," I said with a sigh. "Nobody embodies the ups and downs of being alive quite like I do."
He chuckled. "Well, right now we're going up, right?"
"Figuratively and soon literally, yes."
We had been sitting there for a good few seconds, my anxiety going off the charts as we waited for the inevitable ascent. I don't know why the pilot must make us sit there in awful anticipation for three minutes. Just start driving already.
I flinched when the plane started moving. Shawn laughed.
"You've done this a thousand times, Gem," he said. "When will you get used to it?"
"I don't know," I answered, a little defensively. I clutched the arm rest tightly. "Maybe I never will."
"You know, for someone who is so smart and knows so many useless facts, you should know that you have a way better chance of dying in a car accident than dying in a plane crash, yet you willingly get into cars every day," he told me, as if I didn't know that. Everybody knows that.
"I know that the odds of me dying are slim, but I never said my apprehensions were rational," I told him. "I just get a little anxious, okay? A little..."
I couldn't finish, because the plane ascended off of the ground and into the air right then, distracting me.
"I'm fine," I said. I feel much better already. "See? Perfectly fine."
"Whatever you say," he replied. "Do you have any idea what we're going to do for the next six hours?"
"Sleep?" I asked hopefully.
"That'd be nice," he said.
"I also downloaded seven episodes of The Office, so we can always watch that," I said.
"All you ever watch is The Office."
"So?"
"Maybe you should branch out instead of rewatching The Office for the twelfth time."
"I've only watched it four times through."
"That's a lot, Gem."
"Not really," I replied. "It deserves to be watched a million times through."
"I guess," he said, then he yawned. "I might take you up on that sleeping option."
"I'm so down."
Waking up in the middle of the night and having a thirty minute conversation/tea-making session wasn't exactly beneficial to my sleep, but it was fun and I don't regret it.
He rested his head on my shoulder, most certainly an uncomfortable position for both of us.
"You have the most uncomfortable shoulder in the world," he told me, sitting up again.
"Sorry that my shoulder doesn't live up to your standards," I replied. "Your shoulder isn't exactly my favorite, either."
He looked at me like he was insulted. "Whose shoulder do you like more than mine?"
"I have the right to not disclose such information," I answered coolly. To be perfectly honest, I don't really have an opinion on anybody's shoulders. But I like him the most, so by default, I like his shoulder the most.
"What's wrong with my shoulder?" he asked, frowning. "I think it's alright. You always rest your head on it. It can't be that bad."
"It's not that bad, but it's just not my favorite," I said, shrugging. I knew keeping this up would annoy him, so I kept it up.
He crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, you could at least just say so to spare my feelings," he replied.
"Does it matter that much to you?" I asked.
"Kind of. I just don't like the fact that you've enjoyed resting your head on the shoulder of another more than you've enjoyed resting your head on mine. That messes with a man's head," he told me, making me smile a little.
"I'm just kidding, obviously," I said. "Your shoulders are my favorites. Both of them are tied for first place."
"You really mean that? Or are you just pretending to spare my feelings?" he questioned skeptically.
"I really mean it. I was just messing with you," I said honestly. "You make it kind of easy."
He rolled his eyes. "What a joy it is to be in love with you, Gemma Clark," he said to me.
I smiled to myself and rested my head on his shoulder—my favorite shoulder, by the way.
"Good enough for you, your majesty?" he asked, making me chuckle.
"Perfect," I replied. I'm thankful that I'm not super short—I'm actually a little taller than most girls—because he might be too tall for me, if not. We have a comfortable amount of space between us that's not too much. Too much could end up being more problematic than cute.
"Oh, Gemma," he said after a moment, sighing. "If only everything was this simple."
I understood perfectly. If everything in life was as easy as loving him, I'd have no problems. I feel bad for him, which sounds stupid, because he's him, but I still do. He works hard and he wants to make everyone happy and he wants to make everything perfect. He has this whole crazy career that is constant, and then there's me, and his family, and his own mental health, and...it's harder than even I give him credit for. But he always just acts like nothing bothers him, even though I can see right through it. It's been getting worse lately, but I don't know what to do to help besides just be there for him.
"I know," I replied softly.
Neither of us said anything for a moment.
"You should sleep," I told him. "Really. You can lean against me; I really don't mind."
He gave me a weak smile. "I'm alright, Gem. You lean against me. I can sleep like that."
I frowned. "You need more rest than me, superstar. You have priority comfort."
"I don't need any rest at all. You made me the tea, remember?" he said, making me smile a little. "Lean on me."
And so I did, knowing he wouldn't give it up. He leaned back against me, like we were supporting each other.
"See? Perfect," he mumbled. It wasn't really perfect, because being on a plane is inherently uncomfortable, but it wasn't that bad. I'm not super great at falling asleep on planes, but maybe I can this time. I brought books and The Office, if not.
We stayed like that for a while; I never actually fell asleep, but I thought he might have. I didn't want to move until he did to make sure he wasn't sleeping.
"Were you sleeping?" I asked him once we sat up and normally again.
He nodded. "Yeah, I was out for a little bit. What about you?"
"Me too," I lied, not wanting to make him feel bad, because he would feel bad for getting sleep when I didn't. "I'm still tired, though."
"We can take a nap in the hotel room," he said, which made my heart skip a beat. A nap. With my boyfriend. My two favorite things.
"I literally can't wait," I replied, meaning it.
We both didn't say anything for a moment.
"I wish other people weren't on this plane so we could make out or something," he said, making me blush.
"I mean, we still can," I joked. "It'd just be weird."
"There aren't that many people, anyway," he added. "I don't think anyone would notice."
"Yeah, because you and I typically blend in so well."
He chuckled, and leaned against the back of his seat, closing his eyes for a minute.
"For Christmas, I think we should meet each other's families," he said, totally out of the blue. I was surprised that he said this, but very thankful that he did. I just feel like it's time.
"I totally agree," I replied. "I was actually going to suggest that in the near future. How are we going to do it?"
"We can just split our time. We can spend like, a week with each," he answered. I nodded in agreement. "By then, we'll have been dating for over six months. Seems like it's been long enough."
"Agreed," I said. Then I nudged his arm. "Best six months of my life." The cheesiest sentiment I could think of. It's true, though.
He rolled his eyes, but he couldn't stop himself from smiling. "Oh, shut up."
I laughed. "It's true," I said in a sing-song voice. "It's okay if it hasn't been the best six months of your life, though. My life has been pretty disappointing and uneventful thus far, so the past six months have seemed extra incredible to me. And they have been extra incredible. But your life has been neither disappointing nor uneventful; you'd probably had a million extra incredible moments before you even met me."
He shook his head and put his hands over his face. "I really didn't want to get all sentimental on the plane, but you're going to make me say it, I guess."
"Say what?" I asked.
"That this has been the best six months of my life," he replied. He put his hands over his face again, as if he was hiding. "And being with you makes me really happy and I love you a lot."
When he was done talking, he took his hands off of his face. "Okay, I'm done now."
I smiled, my heart filled with such love and joy and gratefulness. "Ditto."
He smiled and kissed my forehead, then looked at his phone again. I looked out the window and just thought about how incredibly lucky I got. This has been the best six months of my life because I've actually been happy. I haven't been hiding who I really am to make other people happy. I've found someone who really loves who I really am, and that's the best thing in the world.
———
the next morning
"You've got to wake up, Gemma."
I groaned, knowing that today was the day. I'd give anything to just stay in this bed and not have to face my obligations.
"Can we just skip it all?" I asked, my voice cracking due to the fact that I just woke up. "We could spend the whole day together instead of apart."
I felt Shawn get back in bed next to me, and for a moment, I thought maybe he would say yes. I didn't actually want to ditch everything, because we'd both get in trouble, but the thought is nice.
"It's tempting," he said, running his fingers through my knotty hair. "But I've got to go and you've got to go. We have all day tomorrow to do whatever we want."
I forgot about that. A whole day to us. That hasn't happened in forever.
"You're right," I said, rolling over to look at him. And he looked perfect, even at seven in the morning. I hate him.
He smiled. "Like always."
I rolled my eyes. Not true.
"I got your medicine," he said, handing me two pills and a glass of water from the nightstand. I need to marry this guy.
"I love you so much, did you know that?" I told him, sitting up. He smiled as I popped them into my mouth, taking the cup from him and taking a swig. I swallowed it all. I need this medicine today.
"I'm going to shower," I said.
"I'm going to lay here," he replied. "I don't have to leave until nine."
I frowned. "Good for you."
I got out of bed and showered quickly; I hate lingering in the shower. I'm a big "do what you gotta do and get out" person. If I let myself linger, then I end up having thirty minute concerts and that is not time I have.
"Should I wear the yellow dress? Or just keep it casual?" I asked Shawn, as if he cared.
"Yellow dress, for sure," he replied. "You radiate positivity in that dress."
"I wore that dress the night you told me you were in love with me," I informed him.
"So, it must be good luck. Wear it."
I decided that I was going to wear it. I do radiate positivity in it, and I want to give off the most positive of vibes today.
I decided on a name for my book a few weeks ago—"Wake Me Before You Go"—if you read the book, you'd understand the title. I didn't have a title for it the whole time. That's why it was just "My Book." I literally had nothing else to call it. So, yeah. It's going to be a good day, I think. I don't know what I'm so worried about.
I put on my dress, did my hair, and did my makeup. I looked pretty cute at the end of it all, if I do say so myself. I put on a sweater, because it's November and NYC is not LA.
"You are the most adorable author in the entire world, guaranteed," Shawn said when I walked out of the bathroom. "Someone who wrote an entire novel shouldn't even be allowed to be as adorable as you—it's just not fair."
I slipped on my white Converse, smiling and shaking my head. "I'm not going to disagree. I'm pretty adorable."
"You are, Gemma Clark, and everyone agrees," he told me, instilling some last minute confidence into my mind.
"So you like the look? It's not too...I don't know, try-hard?" I asked, turning to look at myself in the mirror on the wall.
"I love the look," he said. "Just stop stressing and believe in yourself."
Such a motivational speaker.
"I do believe in myself," I promised him with a nod. It's true...kinda.
He got out of bed to wrap his arms around me and kiss my forehead. "Call me when you're done.
"Will do," I replied. "Have fun at your thing."
"I will. Have fun at your thing," he told me.
I grabbed my phone and my bag before turning for the door. I was almost out the door when he called my name again.
"Gem."
I turned around, thinking maybe I forgot something.
He smiled. "I love you."
The words gave me butterflies in my stomach. He always knows the right things to say and exactly when to say them.
"I love you, too," I replied, an involuntary smile on my lips.
And so I left, feeling better than I thought I would. I'm still so nervous, because I'm always nervous around Isaac and this time there will be more people to be nervous around, which is great. It'll be alright, though.
I had to make small talk with my Uber driver, which is definitely one of my Top Ten Least Favorite Things Ever. Soon enough, I was standing in front of the tall building that I still wasn't too familiar with. I mean, I've only met Isaac Benton like, three times total. Most of our interactions are digital, due to the immense distance. It'd probably be a lot easier if I was closer.
I walked up to the only floor I've ever been on (the fourth), and saw Lily, his assistant, at her desk. She smiled upon seeing me. I don't think I really like her, because she seems fake, but she really hasn't given me a reason not to like her, so that's just me being a bitch. I smiled back.
"Hey, Gemma," she said warmly when I came in the door.
"Hi Lily," I replied as kindly as I could. "How are you?"
"I'm fine. Busy," she said, and I nodded. I get it. We're all busy. "What about you?"
"Just the same," I replied with a shrug.
"Well, Isaac's ready for you in his office," she told me, and I was thankful that I didn't have to talk to her anymore. I just hate talking to people in general. It's a real personality flaw.
"Okay. Thanks!"
I knocked on Isaac's office door, and he said "come in!" So I opened it and walked in; he smiled upon seeing me.
"Hi," I said, my nervousness obvious. I shut the door behind me.
"Always a pleasure to see you, Gemma," he said with a warm smile. Warm is really never a word I would use to describe Isaac; he seems rather cold in nature. His smile was warm, though. But he doesn't seem to smile too often.
"You too," I replied. My book was on his desk, I noticed. The manuscript.
"Have a seat," he told me, and I did.
"How are you?" he asked.
"I'm doing well," I answered. "Still trying to wrap my head around all of this."
He chuckled. "It's happening, Gemma. Soon."
My stomach turned.
"But there's still much work to be done," he said with a sigh. "It's all going well, but there's just a lot of stuff to do. Publishing a book is no easy feat."
I nodded. "Of course not."
He smiled, barely, then looked at his watch. "Alicia, Oliver, and Damien should be here any minute now."
Alicia is the girl who made the cover illustration/design options and is also some sort of marketing director; Oliver is some sort of finance/numbers guy, and Damien is the manufacturing/retail guy. I think. I may have messed that up, but that's what I remember.
Sure enough, those three strangers arrived shortly after that, and were actually really nice people. Alicia said she loved my dress, and Damien agreed that it "made me glow." So, Shawn was right about the yellow dress.
It was actually a very productive meeting that I really shouldn't have stressed so much about. All the people who work for Isaac are really nice, helpful, and understanding of the fact that I'm just a twenty year old girl who doesn't know a single thing about anything. Still, a lot of the things Oliver (the finance guy) said went straight over my head. I just nod and pretend that I get it.
"So, when do you think you can you come back to New York?" Isaac asked me after the other three had left.
"Like, for another meeting?" I asked, a bit confused.
"Yeah. We're going to have to do something like this again, relatively soon. That was very productive, but that's just the tip of the iceberg of what needs to be done," he told me.
"And I need to be there?" I asked. I sound clueless. I just didn't feel that I was super...necessary. I feel like those four could get it done by themselves.
"I mean...don't you want to be?" he asked, looking at me with dark brown eyes. He was standing, and he was taller than me, so his close proximity made him even more intimidating than normal.
"Of course," I replied quickly. "It's just...I didn't really feel like I was adding much to the conversation there. Which is totally fine. It just doesn't seem like you need me."
He smiled a little, which relieved me a bit. "You're the author, Gemma. Some things we just can't do without you. I know that you have school and a job and other things, but..."
He stopped and looked past me at I don't know what. But then his gaze fell on me again, making me feel nervous.
"This is the most important thing you've ever done," he told me, which I guess is true. "And you're essential and beneficial to this process, more than you know. And if you want this to be successful, I need you to be committed to it. I can't do it by myself. Not without you."
I felt stupid for even insinuating that I don't think I'm important to the process, because obviously I am. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it, I guess. He's right. I have to be committed to this if I want it to succeed. This is my career. This is the first big thing I've ever really done for myself, and if I'm doing to do it, I'm going to do it well.
I nodded. "I know; you're right. It's just really easy to feel inferior and insignificant next to people like you who know everything about the business, when I know pretty much nothing," I explained to him.
"I completely understand, Gemma. But you have more knowledge than you know," he told me, which doesn't really make any sense when you really think about it. "You just need to believe in yourself and your abilities."
I smiled. "You sound like my boyfriend."
He chuckled. "Well, your boyfriend is right. You're a spectacular writer and a truly gifted individual, Gemma, and you just need to start believing that. The burden of insecurity only weighs you down and holds you back."
The burden of insecurity is on my shoulders constantly, Isaac.
I nodded. "Thank you. I'm really going to be committed to this and I'm going to believe in myself. Whenever you need me back, I'll be here," I told him.
"I'll email you," he told me. He put his hands in his pockets.
"Okay, cool," I replied. "Anything else to discuss?"
He shook his head. "Nope. That's all I've got."
"Awesome," I said. "So, we'll be in touch?"
"Definitely."
"Great. Then I'll see you later, I guess."
"Bye, Gemma."
I smiled, thankful that this whole thing was so close to being over. "Bye."
I said goodbye to Lily at the front desk, then left the building as fast as I could without looking weird and/or suspicious. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I am glad that it's over.
Once I had made it outside, I journeyed to the closest cafe I could find in search of some coffee. I don't know how I've gone so long without it. It's almost one in the afternoon.
I ordered some coffee and sat in the corner by a window, then took out my phone to call my boyfriend.
"Hello?"
"Hi. It's me," I said, blowing on my coffee to cool it down.
"I figured. How was the meeting?" he asked.
"Not bad. Productive. This is all actually happening and I'm really scared."
"A good scared?"
"A good scared. Still scared, though. It's hard to keep up with professionals. They ask me all these things and half the time I don't even know what they're talking about. Then I look stupid and feel stupid."
"If there's one thing you're not, it's stupid."
"In the realm of literature publication, I'm a complete idiot."
He chuckled. "Well, in the realm of real life, you're the most incredible person I know, and everything's going to work out."
I smiled. "I love you."
"I love you, too. I should be out of here in the next few hours. Then we can get dinner and do whatever else you want to do."
"All I want to do is be with you."
"Lame. Come up with something cool."
"I'll try, but keep your expectations low."
"My expectations are always in the clouds with you, Gem, and you still always exceed them."
I smiled and felt that familiar he-makes-me-so-so-so-happy warmth in my chest.
"Shut up and get back to work."
Shut up is pretty much always code for "I love you," and/or "stop being so sweet."
"Okay. Love you and see ya later," he said.
"Ditto!" And we hung up.
I finished my coffee and decided to head back to the hotel for a power nap. I plan on being awake and present for tonight and tomorrow, because this is the first time in a long time that our only plans will be to be together, and I want to soak that in as much as humanly possible. Who knows when it will happen next?
I expected our hotel room to be messy, because I knew for a fact that I had left it a bit of a mess when I got ready this morning, and I told Shawn that I'd clean it up when I got back, but when I walked in, it looked almost as perfect as it did when we arrived yesterday. What a sweetheart. Plus housekeeping.
I fell onto the bed and was immediately disappointed because it's not mine. My bed is amazing, and this pales in comparison.
me
taking a nap btw. just in case i don't answer or something
me
not a long one. a power nap
shawn
sounds awesome wish i was there
me
that makes two of us :(((
I sighed and plugged my phone in, the cord barely making it to the bed. Screw the outlet for being so far away and screw my charger for being so short.
It took me awhile to fall asleep because of the caffeine I had recently ingested, plus I always have a bit of trouble sleeping when I know that it's light outside. However, I eventually drifted into a pretty nice slumber.
I woke up at 5:48 to a still empty hotel room. I slept for over three hours. Holy cow.
He said he'd only be a few hours, and it's technically been like, three hours and fifteen minutes. Maybe he's on his way.
I decided to take this opportunity to freshen up my look; I needed fresh makeup and I needed to change back into my dress, which I had taken off to save it from wrinkles during my nap. I also needed to recurl my hair. There is a lot to be done, actually.
So, I put on my The 1975 playlist and went to work, starting with makeup. I received a text from him in the middle of "I Couldn't Be More In Love," right when I was about to change into my dress.
shawn
i'm so sorry. it all went way longer than it was supposed to. i'm leaving in like two minutes
me
don't sweat it. i just woke up like 15 minutes ago anyway. and i need this extra time to make myself look halfway decent. take all the time you need
shawn
whatever you say. see you soon :)
me
i can't freakin wait
I smiled to myself, then I finished getting ready. I looked at myself in the mirror for a few minutes when I was done, wondering what he could possibly see in me. My pondering was interrupted by a knock on the door. I eagerly hurried to open it.
"Who is it?" I asked, a little bit to make sure it was actually him but mostly just because I want to mess with him.
"It's me," he replied. "Let me in."
He sounded a little exhausted, so I decided to not mess with him and to just let him in, which is what I did. He smiled upon seeing me. My body felt at peace again.
"You look really pretty," he told me, walking into the room past me. I closed the door behind him.
"Thanks," I replied, a little shyly, for some reason. "You know, we don't have to go out if you're not feeling—"
"Gemma," he cut me off. Rude.
"We are going out, and we're going to have a great time. I want to forget about everything that's not you, just for one night," he said. He sounded tired. He looked tired. I just wanted to fix it.
I nodded. "Okay. I just...I don't want to make it seem like I'm pushing to do something when I really just want to be with you, anywhere that that is. I just know you've been really tired recently, and I don't want to add to that."
He smiled and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing my forehead. "I appreciate that. I really, really do. But this is the first night we've had together, alone, in like, a month. I don't want to spend it in a hotel room. I mean, I don't want to spend all of it in a hotel room."
I rolled my eyes.
"There's time for that later, though," he said. "Are you hungry? Because I'm starving."
I'm totally starving. I barely ate anything after breakfast because I knew we were going out for dinner and I wanted to be hungry for it. You know when you go out for a meal but you're not even really hungry? I hate that. I want to be able to finish my food; I hate wastefulness.
"Me too," I told him. "I haven't really eaten anything all day."
"Me neither," he replied. "Okay, so we're both hungry. Great. We'll eat dinner. Then what?"
I smiled at the fact that he was trying to plan a whole night out. It's cute.
"How about we decide over dinner?" I suggested. "Since we're both starving and indecisive."
He grinned. "Great idea."
———
dinner time🤠
"Your turn," I told him, taking another bite of my pizza.
"Okay. Give me a second," he said with a mouthful of food.
We had found a low-key pizza place that we felt comfortable enough to hang out in for a while. Nobody has even looked our way, so it's been very successful. We sat in the back corner and shared a large pizza after placing bets on who would eat more. I said me and he said him, obviously. And I'm not big into losing. As we ate, we played one of our favorite games, which we have dubbed "The Question Game," because the whole game is just us asking each other questions. "Game" is a loose term, really.
"Um...best concert you've ever been to?" he asked after thinking about it for a moment.
"Oh, good question," I said. I honestly haven't been to many...I had never even been to one until I moved to LA. Jake took me to Ed Sheeran on like, our seventh date, and that was my first ever concert. I didn't tell him that it was my first ever concert until later in our relationship, mostly because he already thought I was some country girl who lived in the middle of the woods and had never seen urban civilization, and I didn't want him to think that even more. Even though he didn't care where I came from. I thought he would.
The answer came to me. "John Mayer, for sure. The Search For Everything World Tour. It was the summer before senior year, and Jake bought tickets for me and my aunt Kate, because she also loves John Mayer. One of the best nights of my life."
I recalled that night vividly. It was June, and I wore this pale blue sundress and curled my hair. I remember being at the concert, and even with the thousands of other people, it somehow felt like it was just me. When he played Slow Dancing In A Burning Room, I felt like I had drifted into another dimension. The most perfect dimension where it was just me and the music.
"That sounds...really great," he said with a smile. "Next time he goes on tour, you and I are going."
I grinned. "I'm so down."
"Your turn," he told me.
I thought hard. It's a little challenging to come up with things that I don't know about him, because it feels like I know a lot. He keeps to himself a lot, though. Maybe there are lots of things I don't know...that's the thing.
"What's a moment you wish you could relive?" I asked.
"Just one moment?" he asked. "That's impossible."
"Okay. Two," I said.
"Um...our conversation on the hill when I told you that I was in love with you," he said. "Plus the kiss at the end."
I smiled. I was hoping that would be one. That would be mine, probably. Or maybe meeting him. Even though it was sort of awful and cringey. I wish I could see him for the first time again. I wish I could look into those eyes for the very first time and really feel it. But, I'd probably choose the night he chose, too. The part where he said he was in love with me, and the part where we sang along to music in the car, and the part where we kissed. And then the part where he kissed me at my door when we got back to my apartment. Total butterflies.
"And the second one?" I asked.
He thought about it. "Performing for the first time on my own tour. To hear people singing back the songs that I wrote, word for word...that was unbeatable."
"I bet," I said. I can't even imagine. "What's that like? Performing? With thousands of people watching you? Sometimes millions. Isn't that pretty much the scariest thing in the entire world?"
He chuckled. "For you it is. For me...it's what I know. The nerves go away a little bit after a while. I love it; I'll always love it. It makes a lot of people happy, and that's worth it for me."
He shrugged, like it was nothing.
"Your turn," I told him with a smile.
"Were you actually in love with me when I told you I was in love with you, or did you just say it back because you didn't want me to feel bad?" he asked. I laughed a little.
"Of course I was actually in love with you," I said. That's true. "I knew that I was in love with you after Alex Donovan drugged me, and you came over the next day and took me out for ice cream and we had a John Mayer karaoke session. You made like, the worst day of my life into such a great night. I got home and called Edith and told her that I was in love with you."
"Really?" he asked, his face looking happy.
I guess I'd never told him that before. I nodded. "True story. You can ask her."
He smiled satisfactorily. Did he really think I wasn't in love with him when I told him that I was? Jeez.
"Well, I feel like I know you even better than I did when we walked in here, which I didn't think was possible," he said, making me laugh a little. "Ready to go?"
I nodded. "Let's get out of here."
"I won, by the way," he said into my ear as we left.
"Shut up," I replied. "You ate one more piece than me. That's not that impressive."
"Green is not your color, Gem," he said in a sing-song voice, holding the door for me. I shook my head.
"Thank you for holding the door, but not for anything else."
He laughed.
After that, we walked around New York for a little while, holding hands and just enjoying each other's company. I got cold really quickly, because it's November, so he let me wear his coat, and I felt like it was our first date. Except it was way easier than our first date, because we're already solid in our relationship and I don't have crazy anxiety.
"It's pretty here," he said after we had been walking in silence for a moment or two. I looked around. We were in a less crazy area—well, all of New York City is crazy—but the area we had found ourselves in wasn't bustling with people.
I nodded. "Yeah. It is."
We walked a little more in silence.
"NYU has a super good creative writing program," he said out of the blue. "Did you know that?"
My stomach fell. Why would he say that? Did he find out that I've sort of been researching NYU? Very loosely researching.
I mean, it's not like I'm going to go there or anything...we'd be too far and my life would change so much. Plus, I have so many scholarships at UCLA, and I doubt I could get that at NYU. Plus plus, I'd be three thousand miles away from the one person who makes getting through the day worth it.
"Yeah," I simply replied. "I did know that."
He didn't say anything immediately. We walked a little more without words. I had no idea what he was going to say next.
"I just saw the tab on your laptop open the other day. You told me to turn on Netflix with your laptop, remember? I wasn't snooping; I promise," he told me. I do remember that. Goddamnit. How could I be so dumb to leave that open?
I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say, really.
Then he sighed. "If you want to go there, you should. You're an amazing writer. You should go somewhere with an amazing program. You deserve that."
I don't know why I was surprised to hear that, but I was. I still didn't know what to say.
"I'm not...I was just looking," I explained. "I don't want to transfer or anything. I like UCLA; I really do. NYU is too far, anyway."
He frowned. "Too far from what?"
"You. The places and people I know. Everything."
"If I wasn't in the equation, would that change your mind?" he asked.
Honestly, probably.
"No," I told him, shaking my head for added emphasis. "I already have a life in LA. I've got my job and my apartment, and I've got Edith, plus now Gabby. It wouldn't be worth it to uproot everything and move to New York."
"I don't want to be pushy," he said. "But I just don't ever want to see you miss out on opportunities because of me. Because you think I'll be mad or sad or whatever."
"I won't," I said softly.
He went on like I hadn't said anything. "Because I let you down every single day with all of the hectic mess that is my life, and you still love me just as much. And even you moved three thousand miles away, I'd love you just as much as I do now," he told me.
"You never let me down, and that's the truth. And I'm not moving three thousand miles away," I replied, trying to be lighthearted.
"But even if you did," he said with a smile, looking over at me.
"You'd love me just as much," I finished, and he kissed my forehead.
"You got that right," he told me, making me smile. I love this boy so, so much. I'm not going to NYU, though, so there's nothing to worry about.
We walked a little longer, neither of us speaking, our fingers intertwined. I closed my eyes and prayed that this could last forever.
———
later😎
"This is one of your best and riskiest ideas, Gemma Clark."
If you told me a year ago that I would be standing on the rooftop of a New York City hotel in a bikini with my world famous superstar boyfriend—in November, at that—I would have laughed.
But here I am, clutching a towel around my cold body.
"My ideas are known for their excellence," I replied. "You get in first."
Our hotel has a rooftop pool. And rooftop hot tub. So here we are.
He grinned and shrugged threw his towel on a nearby chair, then made his way to the hot tub, where he quickly took a step in, because it's really cold outside and it's hundreds of degrees in the hot tub. I was entranced by his body the whole time.
"I can confirm that it is very hot," he announced, making me laugh. He submerged his whole body, up to his neck. "So much better. Come on; get in."
I hesitantly looked at him, then at the water, then at the New York City skyline. How many times will I get the chance to sit in a hot tub with the hottest guy I've ever met and admire this view? Hopefully many more times, but this could be it, as far as I know.
I took off my towel and threw it where he threw his, then quickly made my way to the edge of the hot tub, stepping in. Even on only my feet, the warmth of the water felt so, so good. He held out his hand to me, and I took it, walking the rest of the way in.
"Hey," he said with a small smile. Our faces were really close.
I felt my face get red, for some reason, and I smiled, too. "Hey."
I moved back to the edge, where I could sit. He sat on the other side, so we were across from each other. We both just soaked it in for a moment; the sound of the jets and the noises of the city filled the air between us. It was so peaceful and stress-free and...perfect.
"This is good," I said. He laughed a little.
"Better than good," he replied. "It's kind of perfect."
I smiled and nodded. "Kind of perfect," I agreed.
He intently looked at me for a moment, making me feel all self-conscious. I felt my face turn red and I looked down at the water to hide it.
"This whole night has been kind of perfect," I said, meeting his eyes again. "I'm really glad that you're here."
He smiled. "I'm really glad that I'm here, too. I know it's been hard for us to see much of each other lately, and I know it's mostly because of me, but...it's always worth it. Even if all we do when we finally get to see each other is sleep, it's completely worth it," he said, and I completely agreed.
"I know it sucks, because we both have careers and obligations and everything else, but...I'm just really thankful for the time we have together. Being so busy makes the time we have together even better," he told me.
I smiled. He always knows what to say.
"I agree. One hundred percent," I replied. "Moments like this make up for the separation."
And he looked at me, cocking his head to the side so slightly.
"What?" I asked.
He shook his head. "Nothing. I'm just so glad I met you, Gemma Clark."
My heart melted in my chest; something so simple could make me fall in love with him even more.
"Me too," I said with a smile. "I'm really, really, really glad."
He began to move closer to me, making me a little eager. Once our faces were super close, he put his hand in the crook of my neck, running his thumb over my cheek. He looked at me, building up the anticipation to the point that I just wanted to scream at him to kiss me. He's good at making me want him so badly.
I tried to say something, but I couldn't find the words. I am so into him.
When he did finally kiss me, I felt like my body had melted into the water. I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer; he kissed me slowly, like we had all the time in the whole world. And it felt like we really did.
It was the hot tub make-out session of my dreams, the kind of thing I thought was reserved for Nicholas Sparks books and teen romantic comedies. It was gentle and hesitant, yet passionate and breathless; every touch felt meaningful and electric. I don't know how long we stayed there for, but I could've stayed forever.
When we stopped and agreed we needed to get out, I kissed him one last time, making him smile. He got out and wrapped his towel around his waist after drying the rest of his body. I got out after him, instantly hit by the freezing cold air; he brought my towel over, then wrapped it around me gently.
We both caught ourselves just looking at the city around us; I was mesmerized. I didn't grow up in the city, so even now, being in a huge city like this takes my breath away. It's so spectacular.
He wrapped his arms around my body from behind me, warming me up.
"This is the best night I've had in a long time," he said softly.
"Me too."
"Maybe we should do it more often," he suggested.
"If only," I said with a small smile.
He kissed the side of my head and let go of me.
"If only," he repeated with a sigh.
———
hey everyone!!!! i know it took forever to update and i'm sorry but this chapter is sort of a cute lil lovey-dovey moment for them, which i stan. what do you guys think will happen next?? i have big plans, so stay tuned. it's officially summer, so maybe more updates? i will try!!
thank you all for reading and sticking with me. it means so much <3
➡️ what are you guys jamming to?
of course, i love 5sos' new song "easier," and also waterparks' new song "turbulent." im going to listen to the jo bros new album later, and i'm pumped! i hope it's good. also, the new EP from prettymuch is great!!!!
okay goodbye love you all have a great day/night!!
-maggie xx