[A/N: new chapter again! It's very long, but it's cute and funny and sad and... Just go read. Don't forget to let me know what you think! :)]
Caity
It had taken me almost an hour to get to the lunchroom where Alison and I had agreed to meet; traffic was a nightmare and there wasn't a spot to park my car anywhere near, so eventually I was carrying a hangry Hailey down the street until I reached the lunchroom and saw Alison wave at me from behind the window. I got in and put Hailey down, sighing and rolling my eyes at her whining.
'Ey!,' Alison said brightly, getting up and pulling me in. I responded her hug and sank down a chair.
'I'm so sorry for being late, but this morning's been hectic.' Alison chuckled and sat down too.
'Don't worry,it's fine. L.A. is a hectic city. I'd rather have London.' I smiled a little at her and ordered Hailey to come sit next to me. She refused and plopped down on the ground, looking grumpy.
'Whatever, just stay there then,' I said annoyed, ignoring her and redirecting my gaze at Alison. She bit her lip trying not to laugh. I sighed and then chuckled. 'She's hangry and didn't sleep very well last night, so... I'm sorry.' Alison shook her head.
'it's fine Cait, don't worry.' Hailey crawled under the table and was still whimpering a bit.
'If she is hangry and doesn't get it her way she's just –'
'- like Austin,' Alison laughed. I grinned.
'Yeah...'
'I've spent enough times with him to realize whom she gets it from.' Alison smiled and looked at the menu. 'Anyway, let's order something to eat then.' We fell into some easy conversation about L.A. and the nice January weather while picking out something to eat. I ordered pancakes for Hailey, who was finally done whining and came back up from under the table to sit next to me, eyeing Alison in suspicion.
'You remember Alison, right?,' I asked my daughter. Hailey shrugged. 'It's daddy's friend. We met her yesterday.' Alison smiled and waved at her and Hailey half-heartily waved back.
'So Cait, are you already used to L.A.?,' Alison asked while she sipped from her coffee. I shrugged.
'Not really. Stanford is... I miss it sometimes. It's smaller, friendlier, more personal. L.A. is so big and all about appearance and... I don't know.'
'Hmm, I get what you're saying. Although I moved from London to Sheffield for Oli, and I still love London, but Sheffield is just a nicer place to live.'
'I don't think I am made for big cities,' I answered, thanking the waitress when she put my food in front of me.
'I was born a city girl,' Alison chuckled, doing the same. 'I love cities, but L.A. is unreal.'
'It is,' I agreed.
'Grandpa and grandma are back there,' Hailey mumbled. Alison looked up at her.
'Back where, love?'
'There.'
'In Stanford,' I explained to Alison.
'Ah. You miss them, don't you?,' she asked.
'Yeah,' Hailey and I said in unison. Alison smiled a little.
'I get that...'
'But it's fine. It's not the end of the world, it's just that Hailey and I were so used to having them close and now we're over two hours away from them and everything is different.' Alison nodded in understandment, encouraging me to continue. 'It's just hard sometimes, but whenever I get homesick I just think about the fact that we are a family with Austin now, and it makes it more bearable, but...' I sighed and decided to stop talking before the sad feeling that was already in my chest would flow through my entire body. Alison stared at me.
'Are you happy?,' she then asked all of a sudden.
'What?' I looked up at her in surprise. 'Yes, of course I am.' I meant it.
'Good,' she smiled. 'It will pass.'
'What will?'
'That feeling of being homesick. That unsettled, homeless feeling. It will pass.' She smiled at me and continued eating, looking at Hailey when she addressed Alison to look at Squidgy.
'Oh my God,' Alison laughed. 'Is that –'
'Squidgy!,' Hailey said happily, poking the stuffed squid.
'Do you know the Squidgy song?,'Alison asked. Hailey's eyes got wide and she nodded profoundly before she started singing and Alison joined in. I laughed and the sad, homesick feeling got replaced with a happy one; it almost was like Lillian was here with us. Alison was just as bright and carefree as my best friend and I suddenly missed Lillian a lot. It felt like I had known Alison for years, although I hardly knew a thing about her.
'How do you know the Squidgy song?,' Hailey asked her when they were done.
'Your father and Alan thaught me,' Alison answered, taking a bite of her food. '
'Alan says unicorns are real,' Hailey started, pricking her pancakes with her fork. I chuckled and rolled my eyes.
'Not this again,' I muttered. Alison smiled at me and then looked back at Hailey.
'Do you think they're real?,' Hailey asked her. Alison shrugged.
'I don't know, I never saw one.' Hailey pouted a little in contemplation.
'Alan says he did.'
'Alan says many things,' Alison chuckled and I joined her. 'What does your dad say?'
'That Alan is weird,' Hailey muttered. Alison laughed again, harder this time.
'Maybe you should listen to your father, darling,' she said, still laughing. Hailey frowned and went back to her pancakes and Alison looked up at me with joy twinkling in her green eyes. 'She really is a smart kid.'
'Yeah, and that's something she didn't earn from Austin,' I said and Alison snorted.
'No, that's for sure... By the way; don't mind me asking but Austin told me you got Hailey researched for Marfan. How did that end?' She looked genuinely concerned and I smiled at her in reassurance.
'She doesn't have Marfan.'
'Oh.' Alison's face relaxed and she smiled. 'Good!'
'Yeah... Austin would've punished himself if she had.'
'But that's not his fault...'
'I know,' I shrugged. 'I told him that before. But he said he'd feel responsible if she turned out to have Marfan and had to go through everything he went through. Everything he still is going through.'
'How's he doing?,' Alison asked in all sudden seriousness. I shrugged.
'He's doing okay. Went through hip surgery weeks ago, but he healed well. Still have to go to physiotherapy every week, but he's okay. Most of the days.' Alison stirred her coffee and leaned her head in her hand to watch me.
'What do you mean by most days?' I sighed and thought about the answer for a moment.
'Well, he's got bad days every now and then. He's got pains and complaints similar to those of fibromyalgia when he's done too much, and on some days he can't get out of bed or he's just not worth anything. And it sucks, because there is nothing I can do for him when he is cramping up and in pain.' I looked away from Alison and focused on fixing Hailey's ponytail for no reason, just to not give in to my tears. 'And there is nothing that can help him to ease the pain, not even his painkillers. The only thing that does is weed, so he just smokes a joint or two before coming to bed in the hope to have a good night and a better day for once. But it has it's known side effects also. I don't like having him stoned around Hailey.' Alison hummed in understandment and we fell silent for a while.
'Have you ever thought about CBD-oil?,' she then asked me. I frowned and shook my head.
'No? I don't even know about that.'
'It's oil made from the same plant weed comes from. It has the same effect on pain and anxiousness as weed, but without the risk of getting high.' I could only stare at her. 'Oliver uses it for his anxiety sometimes. It works for him.'
'Really?'
'Yeah. Maybe it's worth a shot for Austin too.'
'I don't know if it's even legal here in the U.S.,' I wondered. Alison shrugged.
'Just try to figure it out.' I nodded and we stayed silent again. We finished our lunch and decided to get another cup of coffee and a slice of pie, and Alison told me about Oliver and Bring Me The Horizon and the work she did for them.
'So while I work for Bring Me and Drop Dead, and indirectly for Oli in that matter, I still have my own job and my own income. I don't like to be depending on someone.'
'No, me neither. That's why I am searching for a job here,' I said.
'Oh, found anything yet? I bet there is a lot of work to find in plastic surgery here, isn't there?,' Alison asked. I laughed and shook my head.
'I'm not into that kind of thing. I am a cardiac nurse, have been since getting my degree, and I want to get back into a hospital. I found a job offer for ER-nurse in a hospital not far from here. I sent in my resume a few days ago.'
'Oh! Good for you!,' Alison said.
'Yeah, I'm just getting restless by sitting at home all day. And since Hailey is getting to preschool soon... I'll be home alone all day and I'm just not made for that. Although Austin wouldn't mind having me home.' I rolled my eyes.
'The guys would never mind us staying home,' Alison said darkly. 'But we have our own lives and own dreams to follow. So you better go get that ER-job and rock the hell out of it.' She winked at me and I smiled, both of us looking up when a bunch of noisy men came in. Several people look at them in annoyance, a girl and her friend let out a yelp of recognition and Alison's eyes grew wide and she rolled them when Oliver waved at her, almost bumping into a table.
'Scuse me,' he muttered to the couple at the table. Alison sank into her chair.
'I'm not with them. I don't know who they are,' she whispered while the whole band came up to us loudly. I chuckled.
'Ey girls!,' Oliver said, kissing Alison and plopping down next to her. Hailey stared at the men in front of us with wide eyes.
'Hi lads, what brought you here?,' Alison asked.
'We're focking starving,' Oliver said, grabbing the menu.
'Yeah, we need food,' another guy with bright blue eyes said and he looked at me and Hailey, then smiled. 'Hi!' Alison looked at us too and laughed before introducing the whole of Bring Me and Oliver's brother Tom to me and Hailey. They grabbed some chairs and we all cramped around the table. The guys were loud and funny, and it felt like I was sitting here with Of Mice And Men, which made feel at ease. Everyone was nice, and they adorded Hailey, who immediately found a way to wrap Oli and Jordan around her finger. I watched her and Oli interact while Hailey was telling him something, and he smirked a few times while listening with his head leaning in his hand. Alison was staring at them too, biting her lip and smiling faintly with a dreamy look in her eyes.
The guys got excited when their food arrived.
'Fock yeah,' Oliver muttered, diving in immediately.
'Fock,' Hailey whispered.
'Hailey, no!,' I said in slight shock. 'That's not something to say!'
'Oli did it too!,' she defended herself, earning a laugh from Oliver.
'But Oli is old and wise enough –' Alison coughed loudly and smirked. I laughed. '- old enough to say it. You're not.'
'Thanks,' Oliver muttered. I threw him a look.
'She's like a parrot, please watch your language, Oli?'
'Sure.' He went back to eating and joking around with the guys and I looked at Alison, who was still laughing.
'Oh God, you're just like me sometimes,' she said to me. 'I tried to raise them, but...'
'Trust me, you're not going to be able to raise that one. Not even mum could,' Tom said, pointing at Oliver. 'I've told you many times before, Ali.' Alison smirked at him.
'I know...' Oliver put his arm around her and pulled her in, kissing her temple.
'But I do listen to Alison, though.'
'Oh, do you?,' Alison asked sarcastically. She threw him a look. 'Did you when I told you to go look for your passport the day before we left for L.A.? Did you when I told you to not buy second car?' Oliver smirked.
'Like you regret me getting you that car.' Alison shook her head.
'Nah, it's a nice one.'
'I thought so,' Oliver said, kissing her before turning to Mat to talk about their show tomorrow.
'Oh Cait, by the way; I was planning on inviting you and Austin for tomorrow's show. If you'd like?,' she then said, emptying her coffe cup.
'Eh... Yeah, why not?,' I said, smiling. 'I'll ask Austin.'
'Please do. I don't wanna be the only girl back there for once.' She gave me a glance that told me she knew that I understood her; dating someone in a band could be hard sometimes.
&
Austin
'Hey Aust, let's go out tonight,' Alan said in a bored tone, plucking at some strings on the hole in his jeans. 'We haven't done that in a long while. Let's go do something fun. Grab some food, have a drink...' I frowned and looked at him.
'Eh... You know that I don't drink anymore, right?'
'Yeah I know, but... We can just hang out.' I stared a him for a few more seconds; he was acting weird.
'Okay. But why?' Alan shrugged.
'I just miss you, man.'
'What?,' I laughed a little, shaking my head in disbelief. 'You miss me?'
'Yeah... You're my best friend and we haven't spent time together in ages,' he complained.
'Eh... May I remind you that we have spent almost every single day together since we started recording?,' I said.
'Yeah, but that's not the same.' I rolled my eyes and kicked against his feet.
'You're a whine,' I chuckled.
'Everybody's busy, lately,' Alan muttered. 'You all have your girlfriends to go home to and I am just... You know. Alone.' He really seemed a bit upset about, and I somehow felt for him.
'Alright. Fine. We'll hang out.' Alan's head jerked my way and he smiled. 'But I kinda promised Caity I'd be home for dinner.'
'Oh.' He inflated a little again.
'But you are more than welcome to come over for dinner and then afterwards we'll hang out.' He smiled and nodded.
'Yeah, I'd like that...' I watched him get up and stared after him while he picked up his guitar and slung it over his shoulder.
'What's wrong with him?,' Phil asked, taking a sip of water. I shrugged.
'I don't know. He's just lonely, I guess...' I took my phone out of my pocket and dialled Caity's number.
'Hey handsome,' she answered happily. I grinned like a goof at her words and shook my head.
'Hey babe, listen...' I could almost hear her smile falter off her face.
'If you're gonna say you won't be home for dinner then I swear –'
'No... No. I'll be there, don't worry. I was just gonna tell you that I'm taking Alan home for dinner.'
'Oh... Alright. Why?'
'He's a bit off since a few days and I just think he needs some love.' Caity chuckled.
'Okay. Take him home then.'
'He's not a stray kitten,' I laughed, remembering New Year's Eve.
'He is and you can't change my mind. Now get your asses home a.s.a.p.' I promised her we would hurry up and be home soon, but it still took us two hours until we wrapped things up for today. I had picked Alan up this morning so I also took him home now, and he was still a bit quiet when we arrived. He sauntered after me to the third floor and when I opened the door Hailey came running at us.
'Daddy!' She jumped in my arms and hugged me, and I laughed.
'Hi baby,' I said, kissing her.
'Oh, hi Alan!,' Hailey grinned over my shoulder to him. Alan smiled.
'Hey tiny kitten.'
'Hey stray kitten,' Caity said while she walked up to us, kissing me and hugging Alan just a little longer than she usually did. 'Come on, dinner is almost ready and we're hungry.' She pulled him in and made him drop his bag and take off his jacket. Alan frowned at me and I just smiled, put Hailey down and watched my best friend undergo all of Caity's motherly love. I knew she would be like this to him, and that's exactly why I took him with me.
Alan followed her and obeyed her request of sitting down at the dining table. He still seemed off while trying to listen to Hailey's quabbling, and I caught Caity stare at him while cooking. I got something to drink and stood next to her, following her gaze at him.
'What's wrong with him?,' she asked softly.
'He says he's lonely.'
'Oh...' Her eyes softened a bit and she kept looking at him. 'Poor thing... Ask him to stay the night.'
'And where's he gonna sleep?,' I frowned at her.
'We can put a matrass on the ground in Hailey's room, don't worry.' She kissed my cheek and took the pan off the stove, taking it to the dining table. I followed her and sat down, and enjoyed watching the other three talk and eat for a while.
'How was your lunchdate with Alison, by the way?,' I asked Caity. She smiled.
'Fine. We had fun. We've been talking for so long, and the guys joined us in the end.'
'You were out with Alison?,' Alan asked a little jealous. Caity chuckled.
'Yeah, I was. She invited us to come see Bring Me tomorrow, by the way.' Her eyes met mine over the rim of her glass when she took a sip of her drink.
'Oh my God, yes!,' Alan said, his eyes wide with excitement.
'Eh, Al... We're in the studio tomorrow.'
'Oh...Yeah.' He slumped down his chair.
'It's at ngiht, you might make it,' Caity said positively, and I just smiled at her.
After dinner Alan and I cleaned up the kitchen while Caity was putting Hailey to bed and making a bed for Alan.
'Are you sure she's okay with me staying here?,' Alan asked.
'Yeah, why wouldn't she be?' He shrugged.
'Maybe she just wants to be alone with you. I'm always in the way anyway.'
'Alan.' I closed the dishwasher and looked up at him. 'You're not. Stop.'
'It's just that I am always tagging along with someone. I'm always the third wheel. Remember New York? I fucked that up for you because I wanted to join you so badly because I felt alone.' I chuckled and shook my head, folding my arms over my chest and leaning against the kitchen counter.
'You're not in our way. Caity loves having you over. She loves you, Alan. Don't worry. As long as she's got someone to mother about, it's all fine to her.'
'She doesn't mother about me,' Alan complained. 'I'm not asking for –'
'Alan, sweetie, I put your bag already in Hailey's room, alright?,' Caity called from the hallway. I threw Alan a meaningful look and he smirked.
'Yeah, thanks!,' he yelled back, adding 'Mom.' I laughed and walked out of the kitchen, turning around when I heard Alan open the fridge and sigh. 'You don't even have a beer?'
'No,' I said. 'But you might wanna have a look in the cupboard over the fridge.' I plopped down on the couch and listened to Alan yelp in surprise.
'Oh my God, how did you get this?,' he asked in excitement, coming back at me with two joints, handing me one.
'Colson hits me up sometimes.'
'I love Colson,' Alan muttered, opening the door of the balcony and lighting up his joint. 'Wait, isn't Cait getting angry when she notices?'
'No,' a voice behind us said. Caity stood in the doorway, folding her vest around her body against the fresh January wind. 'It's fine, don't worry,' she told me when I looked at her in slight anxiousness. She walked up at me and kissed me. 'I know you need it,' she whispered in my ear. I smiled a little when she pulled away. I did needed it, especially today. I knew the guys hadn't noticed, but Caity surely had as soon as I woke up this morning; I'd woken up bad and had been in a lot of exhausting pain today, and my painkillers hardly did anything for it; I had just taken some an hour ago.
Caity cupped my face and kissed me again.
'I love you,' she said. Then she turned to Alan and cupped his face, kissing his cheek. 'And I love you. I won't disturb you anymore. I'll be in bed if you're looking for me. Goodnight, boys.' We both stared after her when she got back inside. 'Oh and Alan?'
'Yeah?'
'Please try not to wake up Hailey when you go to bed, would you?' Alan put the joined between his lips and saluted, making her chuckle before she closed the door. Alan sighed and took a long drag, plopping down on a chair. I followed his example and we stayed silent for a moment.
'I've got to tell you something,' he then said in all seriousness. I looked up to him and took a long drag of my joint, welcoming the calming effect it had on both my body and mind. Alan seemed to be a bit nervous, though.
'What?,' I asked impatiently.
'I eh...' He fumbled on the hole in his jeans and looked away over the city in front of us. 'I've been talking to a girl, lately.'
'What?!,' I let out, shooting up straight. 'Are you kidding me? Who?' Alan grinned a little, still not looking at me.
'Well, we've been emailing every now and then, 'cause she doesn't have a phone.' I frowned.
'Who doesn't have a phone nowadays? Come on, Alan. Are you being catfished?' He shook his head.
'No.'
'Are you sure?'
'Yeah.' He inhaled deeply from his joint and held the smoke in his lungs for a moment before letting it circle out again. I kept looking at him while taking a drag of my own when he said: 'It's Lillian.' I choked on the smoke filling my lungs and coughed a few times.
'What?!,' I let out, again. 'You're fucking kidding me?!' Alan shook his head.
'No, I'm not.'
'Oh my God. Lillian?' I thought about Caity saying Lillian would be too much for Alan, and I chuckled.
'What?,' Alan asked, suddenly all insecure. 'And it's just... I miss her. She's been gone for months and we can only email and I just... I like her.' I chuckled and shook my head.
'Fucking Lillian...,' I muttered. Alan grinned.
'Been there, done that.' I grunted and slid down my chair a bit, throwing him a look before bursting out in laughter. We sat like that for a long while, talking about Lillian, Caity, the new album, the new tour that was coming up. We had so much to look forward to, and I was so thankful that my favorite ginger would be by my side while doing all that.
&
I only noticed my phone going off because it vibrated in my pocket, since we were in the studio and our phones were supposed to be on still as long as we were in here. I pulled it out and looked at an unknown number popping up on my screen. Frowning, I got over to the door, getting out of the studio where Aaron was recording his vocals at the moment.
'Hello?,' I asked when the door behind me closed and I was alone in the empty hall.
'Hello, is this Austin Carlile speaking?'
'Yeah, that's me,' I answered, a little weirded out. Who was this and what did they want?
'Hi, my name is Joshua and I am calling you regarding to you girlfriend Caity Maverick... She and your daughter have been in a car accident and we're currently taking them – '
'Hold up... What?!,' I said loudly, trying to process his words. 'Are they okay? What happened? Are they hurt? Where are you –'
'Sir, they're fine. Your daughter is doing fine and Caity has some minor injuries, but she is awake and present and we're taking her to the hospital for further check up.' My heart was racing and I felt like I could hardly breathe. I asked what hospital they would be taken too and thanked the man, telling him I would be there as soon as I could before hanging up and storming back into the studio. David shot me a look and pointed at the red light above the sound box, which indicated we had to be quite because there was recording in process. I didn't take any note of him, though.
'I need to go,' I just said, panicking a bit. 'I need to go, Caity and Hailey were in an accident and I need to get to them.' Alan and Phil shot up.
'What?!,' they both said. Tino looked at me with wide eyes, and Aaron took his headphones off before coming out of the box.
'What happened?,' Tino demanded.
'I don't know. I got a call and they were in a car accident and an ambulance is now taking them to the hospital and I –'
'Austin, calm down. Breathe,' Alan just said, putting his hand on my arm. I looked at him and tried to calm down my breathing. 'That's it. Come on, calm down...'
'I need to go,' I said again. Alan just nodded.
'Yeah, of course. I'll take you to them.' I watched him pull his keys from his pocket. 'Come on, then.' I nodded and looked at the rest of the guys.
'Go!,' Phil said. 'Don't worry, we'll manage. Go see your girls!' Without a word I grabbed my few belongings and hurried off after Alan, who was holding the door open for me and guided me downstairs and out of the building to his car.
'Jesus,' I said, staring ahead of me in shock. Alan said nothing as he drove off, and I stayed quiet too, sinking into my own thoughts about the last time I had hurried to an emergency room.
&
I was helping a customer when Linda, my manager, called me into her office. Her face was serious and I frowned.
'Austin, your grandmother is on the phone for you.' She pointed at her desk and I looked from her to the phone, picking it up.
'Hello?'
'Austin? Sweetheart, I'm so glad I got you on the phone. Your mom –'
'Grandma, hold up. What's going on?' The rushed, panicky voice of my grandmother made me uneasy and I got a heavy feeling in my chest.
'It's your mother. She was with me and she was standing in the kitchen and suddenly complained about chest pain and she just collapsed and I –'
'What?!,' I let out. Linda popped her head back in and asked if I was okay, but I ignored her and turned my back to her.
'The ambulance just took her to the hospital. They think she had a heart attack or something. You have to get there as soon as possible.'
'I – I... Yeah. Okay.'
'I'll meet you there.'
'Sure.' I started shaking and put the phone down in a hurry, running towards the door.
'Austin? What's going on?,' Linda asked.
'My mom has been taken to the hospital and I need to go see her,' I rushed while getting to the back of the store and getting my jacket and bag.
'Oh, God... I am so sorry! Do I need to drive you?,' Linda offered, looking at me with wide eyes. I looked back into her middle aged face, suddenly panicking even more.
'No,' I muttered, pushing her aside and getting outside to my car as fast as I could.
I didn't remember anything about driving to the hospital, I only realized it hadn't even taken me ten minutes. Just as I pulled up at the parking lot in front of the emergency entrance, an ambulance arrived and as soon as it stopped the backdoors were thrown open and two nurses pulled out a brancard. I recognized my mother's hair and the clothes that I had seen her wear this morning before going to work, and I ran up to her.
'Mom?! Mom!' I was held back by a nurse while she was rushed in.
'Hold up, son.'
'But that's my mother on that brancard! I need to –'
'Calm down. They're going to take care of her, okay? Don't worry.' My eyes trailed the brancard that held the woman I loved most while she was wheeled inside in a big hurry, and the sliding doors closed behind her.
'What happened? What is going on with her?' I was getting frantic and tried to get around the nurse, but she softly grabbed my arm and made me look at her.
'I'll tell you if you calm down. Let's go inside, okay?' I nodded and followed her inside. My eyes were scanning the emergency room for my mother, but she wasn't there. I was shaking uncontrollably and the nurse led me into a small room, closing the door behind us.
'What's your name, boy?'
'Austin...'
'Alright Austin, listen. We picked up your mother after she suffered from what we think was a heart attack. On the way here we tried to stabilize her and prepared her for emergency surgery, and she is already off to the OR to give her the best chance of survival.' Her words didn't even reach my brain; I was shocked and not able to take in any information whatsoever.
'But...'
'They'll take good care of her Austin, don't worry.' She softly patted my arm a few times and smiled up to me. 'Do you want something to drink?' I shook my head and stared at the wall in front of me. The nurse gave me a sad look and put her hand on my shoulder before quietly leaving the room. I sat there for a while, until the door opened again and my grandmother walked in. She looked at me with wide eyes and I sprung up, walking up to her and pulling her in a hug before I suddenly started crying.
'Ssshh Austin, it's gonna be okay.'
'What if she's not?,' I cried. My grandmother tightened her arms around me and I cried on her shoulder, which I bet was a funny sight because I was at least two feet taller than her.
'Don't doubt God's power to heal, darling! She's in His hands now, don't worry.' I pulled away from her and wiped my eyes and nose. We both sat down and stayed quiet for a long while.
I didn't know whether we were sitting there for just minutes, or maybe hours before someone opened the door of the room and we both looked up. Grandma straightened her skirt a bit while a doctor walked in and gave us an empathetic smile.
'Family of Pamela Johnson?' We both nodded and the doctor sighed and sat down, rubbing his face before trying to find words to sayd what I already knew somewhere deep down. 'I am sorry to inform you that she sadly passed away...' Hearing him say it felt like all oxygen was sucked out of the room. It turned into a vacuum, a place where I wasn't able to breathe, to hear, to move, to feel. I saw the doctor's lips move, telling how my mother had died but it was as if it was in slowmotion and the sound of his voice hardly reached my ears. His words didn't make sense; it hadn't been a heart attack, but a rupture of her aorta and I just didn't understand what he was saying. The only thing I felt was this sharp pain in my chest, which was the start of a panick attack and the beginning of the most painful time of my life after losing my loving mother at age seventeen.
'Austin?' My grandmother's broken voice made me look up. 'We're going to see your mother. Come on.' She held out her hand to me and I got up, my legs hardly able to keep me up as I followed her and the doctor through the emergency room.
Suddenly, all my senses came back and flooded me with impulses; the sounds of people around me, the beeping of monitors, the hurrying of nurses, the crying of patients, the smell of desinfectans and the sight of the white, clinical space around me. It all became too much.
'I – I can't,' I stammered, stopping in my tracks. Grandma turned around, tears on her face, holding out her hand once again.
'Come on. It will be okay.'
'It won't be okay!,' I yelled. 'She's dead! It won't be okay!'
'Austin,' my grandmother cried.
'No!' Without another word I turned around and ran off, oblivious to everything around me. I ran and let my legs carry me, ran out of the emergency room and through the entrance, right unto the parking lot before falling to my knees when the full realization of the fact that my mother had just died hit me like a train.
'Fuck!,' I yelled. 'No! Why?!' I stared at the clear, blue sky. It was may, and the weather was beautiful. Mother's Day was around the corner. 'Why, God?! Why her?!' I didn't notice people staring at me, wondering what had let me to this insanity of yelling outside. 'Why? Why her? Why mom?! For fuck's sake! How could you?! Are you even real?! FUCK YOU!' My voice quieted down after my breakdown and I hid my face in my hands, finally giving in to that wave of emotions that took me over and made me cry in uncontrollable anger.
&
'Austin?' I looked up from my thoughts and was met with Alan's worrying brown eyes. 'We're here.' I looked around and saw we had reached the hospital.
'Oh, right.' I sniffed my nose and opened the door, getting out and heading towards the entrance of the emergency room. Inside I walked up to the front desk.
'Hi, how can I help you?,' a nurse asked me. I sighed, running a trembling hand through my hair.
'I am looking for Caity and Hailey Maverick?,' I asked, trying to keep controle over my shaking voice. I was aware of Alan's presence near me, and knowing I wasn't alone made me feel a little better.
'They're in bay six, sir, just that way,' the nurse answered and she pointed behind me. I hurried towards what had to be bay six and stopped when I heard Hailey's little voice.
'What are you going to do with mom?,' she asked. I scraped my throat and peeked through the curtain.
'Hello?' The nurse and Caity looked up and Caity's face opened in slight relief, her eyes tearing up. She looked tired, fragile and anxious.
'Austin!'
'Dad!' Hailey ran up to me and jumped in my arms, and I picked her up. Her little arms flung around my neck and I closed my eyes while hugging her.
'Hey baby.' I was so glad that they were okay.
'Hi Alan,' Hailey muttered and Alan smiled and waved at her. I put her down and walked up to Caity, softly kissing her and wiping her tears away.
'Sssh, I'm here. I'm right here.' Caity was sobbing now and I made her look at me. 'Calm down, babe. I am here, don't worry.' She seemed to calm down a bit and wiped her eyes, excusing herself to the nurse. I looked at her bruised face and the already cleaned but deep gush that ran over her eyebrow. There was blood all over her shirt and still in her hair.
'No, it's fine hun, don't worry,' the woman smiled at her. 'Now let me proceed with stitching that wound, okay?' Caity nodded and grabbed my hand, and I held it while Hailey was entertained by Alan and the nurse stitched Caity's eyebrow before she left us alone for a moment.
'I'll just be checking some results, okay?' She disappeared throught the curtain and Caity closed her eyes while biting her lip hard. Hailey was giggling because of Alan, and he laughed.
'Alan?,' Caity croaked. He looked up at her.
'Yeah?'
'Do you mind taking Hailey away for a moment? So I can talk to Austin?' Alan frowned but then shrugged and took Hailey's hand. When they were gone Caity started crying.
'Babe, what's wrong?,' I asked, looking at her in worry.
'I am so sorry,' she sobbed, putting her hands in front of her face. I frowned and watched her cry for a moment.
'Why, what's wrong? What do you have to be sorry for?' Caity couldn't stop crying and I got up to sit next to her on the bed and pulled her in my arms. I put my chin over her head and let her cry into my chest until she eventually calmed down a bit.
'It's my fault,' she shivered.
'What is your fault?,' I wondered, looking at her puffy red eyes. 'What is? The accident?' Caity shrugged.
'Everything,' she whispered. I still didn't understand what she meant, and it started to annoy me a bit.
'Caity, what are you talking about?'
'It's all my fault, Austin! I was angry at Hailey because she was annoying and crying, and I looked back a little too long and I crashed right into the car in front of us and I – I –'
'Cait, breathe. Come on, look at me.' I pierced my gaze into her bright blue eyes and she clamped unto me like she was going to drown if she didn't. 'It's okay, you are okay. It's not your fault.'
'But I... I am not – I am not okay,' she panicked, hyperventilating now.
'Caity!' I cupped her face and pulled her back to me. 'Listen! It's not your fault!'
'I lost it, Austin. I lost it!'
'Lost what?!' I still had no clue what she was on about. She started crying again, going on with her story in a panicky, hushed voice.
'The steering wheel – it hit my belly and I started cramping and bleeding and they thought I had an internal bleeding so they made an ultrasound but –' She stopped to catch her breath and in that short moment everything fell on it's place in my mind. Her tiredness. Her moodiness. Those daily naps she never needed before. Her sudden cravings.
My eyes went wide at my sudden realization and I just stared at her.
'Are you –' She shook her head, her face beyond sad.
'Not anymore.' Her voice was barely audible over the sounds around us, but it was very clear to me. I inhaled sharply and got up, rubbing my face and running my hand through my hair. 'I'm so sorry...' I shook my head in disbelief and sat down again. Caity sniffed.
'Why didn't you tell me?,' I asked softly, not looking at her.
'I didn't know...' I nodded my head a little and stared at my feet. She was pregnant. She was carrying my baby and had lost it.
'How long?' Caity gulped a little and wiped her eyes again.
'They said maybe eight weeks.' Eight weeks. Where had we been eight weeks ago?
'New York,' I muttered, finally looking up at Caity again. She bit her lip and nodded.
'Are you angry?' I sighed and took her hand in mine, my face and eyes softening at the broken sight of her.
'Of course not,' I answered truthfully. 'How can I be mad at you for this?'
'I should have been more careful,' Caity cried. 'I should've been more careful...' I shook my head and pulled her in my arms again.
'No, Cait. It's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself.' I let her cry on my shoulder again, softly stroking her hair and trying to calm her down while hushing into her ear.
'Austin?'
'Austin?' Her voice was so clear that it made me open my eyes, but I immediately wished I hadn't. The pain hit me literally everywhere, and I got nauseous in an instant from feeling my legs and lower back cramp up so badly. 'Austin?' Caity's hand cupped my face and I looked at her concerned face. 'Are you okay?' I inhaled deeply and only then noticed that I had been crying, because my eyes were wet.
'How are you... Are you – Is Hailey okay?,' I muttered. 'Is the baby okay?'
'What are you talking about?,' Caity let out, staring at me in confusion.
'Are you?' She shook her head a little.
'You're the one whimpering and cramping up like you're having a seizure in your sleep, and you're asking me if I am okay?' Her eyes were big, still trying to fathom me. I rubbed my face and turned on my back, trying to breathe my way through the sharp shots of pain in my legs. I was sweating and shaking heavily and didn't know what to do or which pose to take for it to become better. Caity pulled me in her arms and I heaved heavily a few times, trying so desperately to find comfort but I couldn't. I squeezed my eyes shut against the tears but they came anyway so I just let them fall down. Caity's fingers softly stroke through my hair and over my back, which was tense while I felt every muscles tighten even more when I thought about my dream.
'I dreamt that you and Hailey were in a car accident,' I muttered between some shivers. Caity said nothing but pulled me in even tighter and I hid my face in her neck.
'We're safe.' I nodded a little.
'And... I dreamt about... the moment my mom died.' I closed my eyes again, ignoring the tears rolling off my cheeks. Caity didn't say anything anymore but just let me cry while her hands tried to get my body to relax. It took a long while before it even relaxed just a little, but it was enough for me to calm down and thank God with my entire being that it was Caity who was laying next to me.