chapter playlist⏯
• a little more - alessia cara
• too good to be true - the vamps
• begging - dua lipa
———
a little over a week later...
gemmaclark
gemmaclark day 293947 of living alone: still can't cook for shit. i'm going to starve out here in the wilderness
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edithjoness you're 19 for crying out loud. figure it out
shawnmendes you haven't even been alive that many days. i did the math
———
gemma clark <<<
I hated admitting it. He's only been gone a week.
I miss him a lot.
Shawn let out a sigh, and I wondered what he was doing. A different city, a different time zone, different people. How pretty are the girls in Chicago?
"Another day, another hotel room. And you just let me leave like it's nothing."
I smiled, laying back on my bed. "Is not letting you leave an option? Isn't this like, your job?"
He chuckled, and his laugh sounded just as good through the phone. "I mean, I have to go either way, but it'd be nice if someone put up at least a little bit of a fight."
I laughed. "Noted."
Maybe I will put up a fight. Will that make you like me? Or, admit that you do?
"Anyways, how are you? Haven't seen your face in forever, it feels like," he questioned. I imagined him looking straight up at the ceiling like me, wishing I was about two thousand miles closer to him. Maybe he was wishing that, maybe he doesn't really care. The fact that we've talked on the phone every day since he left and have texted constantly makes me think he does wish that, but how can I really be sure? Maybe he's just being nice?
"I'm...good," I replied, letting out my breath. "A little bored without you, to be honest. I burned my dinner tonight, so I guess that's progress."
He chuckled. "How in the world is that progress?"
"Because I used to not even try to make dinner."
I could picture him shaking his head at me, because it was pretty stupid. I'm nineteen years old and can't cook at all. It's not even that hard. How will I ever support myself if I can't even figure out how to cook chicken?
"That is minimal progress, Gem."
"Progress nonetheless."
A comfortable silence filled the air, and it was quiet enough for me to hear him breathing. We talk a lot, so sometimes there just isn't anything else to talk about. The silence isn't awkward though. It's nice. I could stay like this with him on the other end all night.
"It's late," I noted, remembering Chicago was two time zones ahead of LA, and it was already 10:30 here. "You should go to sleep."
"Not that tired," he responded, even though his fatigue was evident in his voice . "My body's still on LA time. Are you going to sleep?"
I smiled a little. "Not unless you are."
"Well I'm not."
"I guess I'm not either, then."
He let out a quiet laugh. Silence between us again. I heard him take a deep breath.
"Anything new with you?"
I sighed. "Nothing at all. Jake still hasn't called, not even to get his stupid clothes from my apartment," I told him, frowning as I thought of him. "He must really not care about me at all. And I'm not even that upset about it."
He laughed a little. "Yeah, me neither. I'm not going to miss you complaining about him, that's for sure."
"I was so stupid. I'm sorry for ever complaining to you about that sorry excuse for a boyfriend," I groaned, hearing the disappointment in my own voice.
I'm pretty much over Jake, I guess. I mean, I'm really not, but I've kept myself distracted so as to now think about how worthless the whole situation makes me feel.The first week after the incident was a little rough, just because my whole routine was out of whack, and I missed his company, and I was still a bit shaken up from the Alex Donovan thing. It was a rough time, and Shawn having to leave didn't make any of it better.
But now I'm getting back in the swing of things, you could say, although I do have a lot of free time on my hands. I used to go to school and work, then used my spare time to hang out with Jake, but now I go to school and work to come home to my empty apartment. I liked being alone, because I'm not the social type really, but there's something about being alone everyday that makes you feel a bit...worthless. Not that Jake made me who I am, but he made me something. Something more than just...me. Being with him gave me more of a purpose. Motivation.
I've used this extra spare time to work on my writing, attempting to perfect the novel I've been working on for a year and a half that somehow still sucks, and I've picked my old guitar back up and started trying to play again. I guess the free time is nice; it's just a bit lonely.
"It's okay," Shawn said, pulling me out of my thoughts and back into our conversation. "I didn't mind. Although, I knew it wasn't going to last from the first time I met you."
I laughed a little, even though it wasn't really that funny. It kind of sucked. But somehow, it's funny how stupid I was.
"That feels like years ago."
"The first time we met?"
"Yeah."
"It was only a few months ago. I barely know you, really," he joked, making me laugh a little. If only that was true. Things would be much simpler.
"It's weird though," I thought out loud. "Like, how much can change in a few months. And even how much can change in a single day. Like...what does time even really dictate? Three days or three months or three years, what's it even matter? Something that took three years to build could fall apart in one day."
You sound insane, Gemma.
He laughed lightly. "Are you having an existential crisis, Clark?"
I smiled to myself, rolling onto my side and looking out the window. "Something like that," I admitted. "Life is just weird."
"Pretty much," he replied, and I could hear in his voice that he was smiling. Probably trying not to laugh at how crazy I sounded. I didn't mind.
"Remember that one night, a long time ago; you had just had some fight with Jake, and you drove us up on that hill where you could see the ocean, and then we ate pizza and you showed me all your favorite songs?"
I laughed at how he had remembered all of that and described it in such detail.
"Yeah, I remember. Why?"
"We should do it again," he simply suggested, making me smile.
"Yeah," I agreed softly. "We should. If you would ever come back."
"Only like, another week," he reassured me. "You can't get too attached to me, Clark. I'm not good at the whole "being in one place all the time" thing. I wish I could be, but I'm not."
I smiled to myself, even though that was sad. How did I manage to get myself attached to a guy who has to leave all the time? How did I manage to get myself attached to him at all? Why would I set myself up for failure like that? I've betrayed myself.
"It's okay. You're worth the wait," I replied with a bit of a laugh in my voice.
"How sweet," he said sarcastically, even though I wasn't even being sarcastic. I was being serious.
"Okay, it's late," I said decidedly, because I couldn't afford to say anything else stupid tonight. "You need to go to bed, and so do I."
He laughed a little. "If you want to get rid of me that badly, you could just tell me, ya know," he said in a way that confused me on if he was joking or not.
"No, it's not that. You have a busy day tomorrow, I'm sure, and I have school, so it's probably best for us. You know I love talking to you," I reassured him with a smile. "It's obvious, because I've called you every day you've been away."
"Yeah, only because you have a Jake-sized hole to fill in your life."
Ouch. That felt like a punch to the stomach.
I frowned. "That's not true."
"It's okay," he replied plainly. "I get it. Obviously I don't mind."
That's not true.
"You know, not everything comes back to Jake. I like talking to you. That's why I call you. It has everything to do with you and nothing to do with him," I explained, somehow complimenting him while also trying to be mad at him. "Why do you act like you know me better than I know myself? It's kind of frustrating."
His reply was delayed, making me nervous that I was being mean. I wasn't trying to be mean. I just hate that he feels that way, because it's really not like that at all. I mean, it's kind of like that, but not in the way he's thinking. He's not a replacement. I had a boyfriend and now I don't, and now I have more time to talk to my friend. And I really enjoy talking to said friend. That's all it is.
"Sorry. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I just thought...I don't know. You had Jake, and now you don't, and now you talk to me every day. Doesn't it sort of seem like that?" he asked, his voice sounding unsure. I hated hearing him say that.
Why couldn't we have just gone to sleep when I originally suggested it?
I sighed. "I'm sorry that it seems like that. It's really not like that. At all," I quickly responded. "You're not like, Jake's replacement or something. I've loved talking to you ever since we met, and I've always thought you liked talking to me too. And it just became easier to do when I didn't have Jake breathing down my neck about you."
"Breathing down your neck about me?" he questioned.
"Yeah. Constantly telling me how he didn't like that you and I were friends. He was convinced you were in love with me or something and that I was going to leave him for you one day," I explained, and I went on before he could confirm or deny that, because I was too scared to know. "Now I don't have him around to do that. I can talk to you as long as I want. It's nice, and I genuinely like it, and you can believe me or not, but it's true."
He took a moment to reply.
"I believe you, Gem, and I obviously like talking to you too," he told me. "Sorry for thinking otherwise."
"No, I get it. It's just not true," I replied with a smile. I wished I could hear him smiling in his voice again. "Give yourself some credit."
"Yeah, I know," he responded. I then heard him yawn.
"Time to go to sleep now," I told him, and he chuckled.
"Okay, Mom," he joked. "I'll talk to you tomorrow?"
"Yeah. Just call me whenever you can," I told him. "I have a lot of free time these days, as you may have noticed."
He laughed lightly. "Maybe I'll call after the show. Or...I don't know. I'll call."
"I'll be anxiously waiting," I replied, only half-kidding. I probably will be anxiously waiting, quite literally.
"Night, Clark," he told me, and I could hear his smile now. I could feel myself smiling.
"Goodnight, Shawn."
And then we hung up, and I already missed him.
———
a couple nights later or something
"Look, I'm your best friend. You don't have to hide these things from me," Edith said, taking a bite of her pizza and looking at me. "Legally, you can't hide these things from me. It's the law of best friends."
I chuckled a bit. "Edith, I'm not hiding anything. We made out not once, not twice, but zero times," I told her, and she frowned. "I had just broken up with Jake, do you really think one of us was going to make a move then? Where are your morals?"
She rolled her eyes. "Morals don't apply to love, Gemma." I shook my head at the mention of the word "love."
Edith was grilling me about Shawn again, as she often did, and we were sitting on the floor around the coffee table with our spread laid out in front of us. A pepperoni pizza, because that's the best we could compromise on a topping (I'm a cheese girl, she's a meat lover), and that kind of sparkling grape juice that the kids drink at parties because it looks like alcohol (someone can't drink real alcohol because someone had to get pregnant)
Edith has been busy being pregnant and being Brad Harrison's fiancée (big deal) but, at least she's actually in town. That means she's filling in for Shawn as well. Even though he's definitely nowhere near as loud and opinionated as her, she's a good substitute for him. They both give decent advice and are good listeners. Well, Edith tries to be a good listener. That's what matters. Plus, I need to talk about him, so I probably need to seek advice from someone who's not him.
I'm confused, and a little stressed, but also very content all at the same time. I'm confused about my feelings for him and his feelings for me; also I'm stressed about it, along with school and work and still worrying about Jake and still thinking about the stupid Alex thing.
But somehow, I'm content in the middle of all of it. I'm happier without the burden of Jake on my shoulders and without him constantly letting me down; plus I talk to Shawn more, which makes me happier. It's an odd mix of emotions.
But with him, it's a very confused happiness. Every time I think of him, I feel my heart start beating faster and I feel my face start to get hot. There's these things he does to me that he doesn't even know he does. Have you ever just thought of someone and then got all red in the face? Just by thinking of them? I didn't think that was possible, but apparently it is, because every time I think of him, I feel it. It's so frustrating.
But I just broke up with Jake like, a week ago. And true, Jake and I had been falling apart for a really long time before things actually ended, but still. He was still my boyfriend and we still barely just broke up. But my heart feels very real feelings for Shawn. I mean, I've always felt like I belonged with him, but I had never considered that in the romantic sense, always just as friends. Maybe our strong connection means we're supposed to be together as something more than friends. But, am I just convincing myself of these emotions because now I'm lonely and don't have anyone to fill the romantic role in my life? Or was I concealing the feelings I felt for him for a long time? Even I don't know.
If I like him, then what do I do? I don't even know if he likes me back.
He did kiss me.
But that was a long time ago. He kissed that Natalie girl, too.
Yeah, but he meant it with me.
He "meant it?" I sound insane. How do I know if he meant it?
He wrapped. His arm. Around me. While we were sleeping.
I fell asleep on him! What choice did he have?
Still.
He probably just feels bad for me. I got drugged and cheated on all in a span of like, three days. He probably is just trying to make me feel like there's someone out there who actually cares about me.
Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, I can't change my feelings about him. I've tried, very hard. And I'm losing sleep over it. I wish he would just say something.
And even if he does like me back, then what? We date? Is that the next step? I mean, I just got out of something. Is that what I want?
I need a drink. A real one.
"You two need to pick up the pace," Edith said, as if she was reading my thoughts. "You're going to lose interest by the time you decide to actually kiss for the second time."
I glared at her, but she didn't care. "It's not going to happen, E. Give it a rest."
She groaned. "Well, why not? You like him, and you know he likes you. What's the hold-up?"
"Here's the hold-up," I told her, turning to face her. "One: I just broke up with Jake like, two weeks ago, and you said I should be single for a while, which I would like to enjoy. Two: I'm still not even sure that he likes me. Three: I'm still not even sure that I want to like him like that. Four: I can't even look in his direction without my face turning red as a tomato, so I don't think I could deal with confessing my feelings for him."
Edith leaned her head against the couch, taking a bite of her pizza and holding her finger up. "All valid points. Except for the second and third one. Those are dumb."
I rolled my eyes. "So what do you suggest, Miss Relationship Expert?"
She looked at me, furrowing her eyebrows as if she was analyzing my face. "I suggest to do whatever you want to do. Be single? Okay. Ask him out? Okay. Keep playing the "we're just friends game?" Annoying, but okay," she told me, giving me a small smile. "I just...I just think you deserve something good. A good guy who's going to treat you like you deserve to be treated. And obviously, this kid is just doing everything he can to make you happy. When did Jake ever do that?"
I frowned and shook my head. "He didn't."
She gave me a knowing look. "I don't know where your heart's at or anything, but if you are really feeling something with Shawn, that's a big deal. And you shouldn't push it away because you and Jake just broke up. Which, by the way, isn't true. You and Jake were over long before you caught him cheating, and you know that."
I nodded, brushing my hair out of my face. "I know. You're right," I admitted. "It's just...I'm a little scared. Both the guys I've dated have screwed me over majorly, so I just have a hard time believing that one of them is going to be different. And I know that Shawn's been nothing but good to me, but Jake started out the same way. I just really, really, really don't want to get my heart broken again, and I don't want to lose one of my best friends in the process. You know what I mean?"
She nodded understandingly. "I know, Gem. I know that it's hard to trust again after Jake. Just take your time with it. If Shawn really likes you, he'll be willing to take it slow with you. Your happiness should be your first priority."
I took a bite of pizza and leaned back against the couch, closing my eyes for a second. She's right. My happiness should be my first priority.
But what scares me is that he makes me really, really happy.
———
shawn mendes >>>
me
was it you?
natalie
was what me?
me
was it you with jake when gemma came over?
natalie
what does it matter to you?
natalie
she's all yours now. you should be thanking me
me
it doesn't really work like that
me
does he not care about her? why hasn't he said anything?
natalie
do you think i know? we haven't spoken since he basically kicked me out of his house that night. he probably hasn't said anything to her because he's a jerk. he's a fucking jerk and she's lucky she got out
me
yeah...are you okay?
natalie
i'm fine.
natalie
look, i really hope things work out with gemma, but i don't have the inside scoop on jake. so if that's what you want, don't ask me
me
sorry for bothering you. i just worry about her
natalie
of course you do. because you're a good guy
natalie
you'd make her really happy
me
yeah, if i ever get the chance to
natalie
you will.
me
well you should be happy too
me
don't waste your time on someone like him. it's stupid.
natalie
yeah i know. you don't have to worry about me too, ok? just go get her
me
thanks natalie
natalie
i will never deserve a thank you from you
natalie
but you're welcome
I will never understand my relationship with Natalie Adams.
Gemma was two thousand miles away, but here I was, still thinking about her. I wasn't so much focusing on being lonely as I was focusing on her. Replaying moments and things we said. She was the only thing on my mind, and I could not get the thought of her out of my head.
What's new?
It was probably partially because we texted constantly, so I was forced to think about her. I don't know what to make of "us." There's this suspicion in me that she likes me back, but the only way I can know is by telling her that I like her and then waiting for her reaction, which isn't ideal. But, I'm going to have to do it some time. Why not now?
I haven't seen her in over a week though, not since the whole Jake-cheating-on-her-turned-into-sleepover-turned-into-breakfast-date. It doesn't seem like a long time, but we had seen each other like, three days in a row before I left, so I'd just gotten used to seeing her. I just like to be there to know she's feeling better. After the Alex thing, and the Jake thing, she needs one guy in her life to not screw her over, and I'll happily oblige.
I laid back on the stupid hotel room bed and closed my eyes, still thinking, but feeling my fatigue as well. I tried to fall asleep, which would have been great, but my mind was still racing.
I have to tell her.
Like, as soon as possible.
But should I? What we have now is pretty good. Should I jeopardize that?
It's not that good because I'm still acting like I like her purely as a friend. I'm still pretending every time I'm with her.
How would I even tell her if I wanted to? How do you just say that?
It doesn't matter how I tell her. It just matters that I tell her. It's easy. She's Gemma.
It's so not easy. Nothing has ever been less easy than this. And the fact that she's Gemma is worse, because we're such good friends that if I tell her and she doesn't feel the same way, our friendship is basically ruined and every interaction between us will inevitably be so awkward.
Does she even like me?
That stupid question has been running laps around my brain.
We talk a lot. When we talk, it's usually her who's calling me. And when we talk, she says all of these things that make me think she likes me. She says she wants me to come back when I'm away. She says she likes talking to me.
I mean, come on. How else am I supposed to interpret that? It seems pretty two-sided to me. Right?
But there's always Jake. There's always going to be Jake. How could I ever be sure that I wasn't just holding his spot? One day she could just decide she wants him again. Then I'm completely heartbroken, and I've wasted all of my time.
But, just the few days before I left, those days after the whole Alex incident, it really did feel mutual. The laughing and the singing and the spending the night...it all felt like a lot more than what it was.
Every day it feels like more. And I just wish I knew if she felt it too.
Maybe the only way to know is to tell her how I feel.
———
hey there!! sorry this was a filler and it still took me forever to write....haha that's just the way i am😉
if you liked this chapter, let me know, and let me know what you think should happen next!
➡️ what are you listening to these days?
i just discovered "a little more" by alessia cara, and i'm OBSESSED. also, "for emma" by bon iver, & "longer than i thought" by loote are great. you should listen to them!!
ok thanks for reading and thanks for listening to me gab love you💖💖💖
xx-maggie