chapter playlist ⏯
• keep holding on - avril lavigne
• let me go - hailee steinfeld
• quit - ariana grande
—————
about a week after that
gemma clark <<<
gemmaclark
gemmaclark: morning :)
———
So, of course, I let Jake off easily after he ghosted me in New York, because he was sweet when he came back and made me breakfast the next morning. I'm a sucker for pancakes and he's a really good chef, just saying. He gave me a long talk as we ate and a real explanation, and made me feel a lot better about it. I know I said one more chance, but one more chance. This time I mean it.
Shawn and I have been texting still, but I haven't seen him since we got coffee that one time. Sometimes I feel better talking to him than talking to my own boyfriend. Is that wrong? Probably, but it's the truth. Jake doesn't try to understand me sometimes, which is one of the most frustrating things ever. Shawn gets me and tries to get me, like Edith does. Like someone who really cares. I know Jake cares, but in a different way.
My phone rang with Edith's name on the screen.
"Hey dude," I answered, putting my phone on speaker as I tied my shoelaces.
"Hi. Can we talk?" she asked. I raised an eyebrow.
"Um, yeah, of course. About what?" I replied, putting my feet on the floor when I was done.
"Just something. It's not bad, don't worry," she said.
"Whatever you say. Lunch?" I asked.
"Duh."
We arranged to get lunch, and then hung up. That was such an un-Edith-like conversation, because she was always bubbly and chirpy, but this time she was just...normal. Edith Jones has never been normal, but that's what I love about her.
I grabbed my sunglasses and put them on my head, then grabbed my keys and phone. It was chilly outside, but the sun was shining brightly, warming the air just a bit. Not enough.
When I got into my car, the radio was playing that Chainsmokers song that I despise, which is always a great way to start an adventure. With a song you hate.
Edith was waiting for me at a table at our favorite place that has a killer caesar salad. She looked nervous. I got nervous, too.
"Hi," I said, sitting across from her. She grinned.
"Hey Gem. What's up?" she asked.
"The same. You?"
"Same."
There was an unusual silence between us, and I scrunched my eyebrows while I looked at her.
"Okay, please tell me what's up," I said, putting my hands on the table. "You're acting weirder than usual."
She looked up at me, and then sighed.
"Please don't be mad at me," she started. What could she possibly have to tell me?
"I won't. Unless you did something that I deserve to be mad about," I told her. My stomach felt uneasy now.
She shook her head. "It's not like that," she said. "It's just...kind of crazy. And you might be disappointed, or a little upset, but just hear me out. I have a plan, and I'm going to be fine. I just...really need you. I don't think I can do this alone."
It clicked.
"Are you...?" My voice trailed off, because I didn't want to finish. I was too scared to.
"Pregnant?" she said, smiling a little. "Yeah," she whispered, folding her hands on the table and hanging her head.
Woah.
Woah.
Woah.
"Seriously?" I asked, obviously shocked.
She laughed at my disbelief. "Seriously."
I couldn't help but grin. I wanted to hug her.
"How could I ever be mad about that, E? That's amazing news," I told her, and she smiled weakly. "I mean, you are keeping it, right?"
She nodded quickly. "Of course. I couldn't...No, of course I'm keeping it."
I nodded, then grinned. "How did Brad react?" Knowing him, it would be super sweet.
"Um, well, that's the other thing," she said hesitantly.
"What is?"
She started smiling. "I'm...I mean, we're getting married. I told Brad I was pregnant and he pulled out a ring and proposed right then and there."
Of course he did.
"That's the most adorable thing I've ever heard!" I gushed, and she laughed again. "So now you're pregnant and engaged? Jesus Christ."
She nodded. "Yeah. I guess I am."
I laughed; the kind of laugh that you do when you're so happy and in shock that you just have to laugh. This is insane.
"So, when did you find out? When's the wedding? Before or after the baby? How long have you been keeping this a secret?" A thousand questions came to my mind at once. I needed to know everything.
"Chill, Gem. I found out a couple weeks ago. Missed my period, took a test, freaked out, took another test, called Brad, and then told him when he got home. He was ridiculously happy. Then we got engaged, scheduled a doctor's appointment, confirmed I was indeed pregnant, and then told you," she said.
"You've known for two whole weeks and I'm just now finding out?" I half-joked.
"We just told our parents last night, so don't worry. You're at the top of the list," she told me with a smile.
"How'd your mom and dad react?" I asked, knowing it could go either way.
She shrugged. "They were happy, for the most part. I think the engagement was a bit of a shock on top of the pregnancy."
"So, when's the wedding? Before or after the baby is born?" I asked curiously.
Edith sipped her water. "Before, I think. I don't really want to be pregnant for my own wedding, but there are worse things in the world. We want to be officially married before the baby is born, just for simplicity's sake. We're thinking like, four months from now. Something small and low-key," she said with a shrug. "Nothing is set in stone yet, though."
I tried to wrap my head around it all. My best friend is going to have a kid. Holy fuck. Think of all the things we haven't done together, and she's already getting tied down. If the situation was reversed and I was pregnant with Jake's baby, I don't know what I would do. I mean, I would keep it, obviously, but other than that? I definitely don't think I would want to get engaged to him just because I was pregnant. And I don't know if I would even be able to raise a kid with him right now. We're so far from ready for that. Edith and Brad are very different than us, though. Much more in love.
But there are so many cool things about your best friend having a baby that I am definitely more excited than upset. I mean, hey, I love a baby just as much as the next girl.
"I'm so excited, E. Baby names! The nursery, and oh my God, the cute little shoes!" I said excitedly, and she laughed a bit.
"I know. I'm actually really excited," she replied, looking down at the table. "Nervous, but excited."
"You know you've always got me, right? I'll support you through anything. Anything at all," I told her, putting my hand on hers. She looked up at me and smiled. Her eyes glistened like she was trying to hold back tears.
"I'm really scared, Gemma," she said, her voice almost a whisper. "I don't...I don't know what I'm doing."
"Hey, don't worry, sis. You're going to be fine. You have me, and your family, and most importantly, you have Brad. We're all going to be there for you. You won't be alone, not for a second," I told her, and she quickly nodded, wiping her eyes carefully.
"I'm sorry. I'm such a mess," she said, shaking her head.
"Nonsense. You're pregnant," I told her, waving it off. "Hey, that means you get to eat double. Look at all the pros."
She chuckled. I hope I'm making her feel better. Even though I'm probably not, I'm trying to.
"Thank you, Gem. You're really the best," she told me.
I smiled and shrugged. "Well, you deserve it. You and my soon-to-be new best friend."
She smiled. I smiled.
We had our lunch, and my caesar salad was delicious, as always. Edith had to meet Brad, and I had to go a stupid photoshoot, so we went our separate ways. I felt like I needed a drink after that conversation. I still can't quite wrap my head around it.
I arrived at my destination for this photo shoot that I didn't want to be a part of. When I don't need modeling to pay the bills, I won't do it. But right now, it pays the bills, and it pays them well. But when I don't have to do it anymore...that will be a good day.
"Gemma! Running a little late, aren't we?" my usual manager lady, Jen, asked me. I still don't even know her official job title. She towered over me at something like six feet, but she didn't even need her height to be intimidating. She was hands down the scariest person I know, and I've been on her bad side ever since I started here. I don't know how to fix it.
"I'm sorry. Traffic," I replied, which was true. LA traffic is the worst of the worst.
"Think ahead, Gemma," she told me. I nodded diligently. Fuck you, Jen.
And so I had to suffer with Jen and a bunch of other annoying girls who talk too much about worthless crap for way too long, and Jen even did me the honor of making me go last for everything, so that I was the one who suffered from us running late. Might as well spend as much time possible here, right? I mean, I obviously love it.
"On time next time, Miss Clark," Jen said, talking to me as I grabbed my stuff.
"Yes ma'am," I replied, then I sighed softly to myself. It pays the bills, Gemma. This is how you can afford that caesar salad. Just a bit longer. You'll get out, eventually.
I finally got into my car and saw a bunch of missed calls from Jake. Fuck fuck fuck. Before I could call him back, he called again.
"Hello?"
"Hello? Why didn't you pick up your phone? I called you like, six times, Gem."
Here we go again.
"I'm sorry. I was in the middle of a shoot, Jake. What am I supposed to do?"
"Prioritize your boyfriend, that's what."
I tried to not blow up on him for saying hands down the most hypocritical thing of our generation, but I couldn't. I'm already frustrated as hell from that stupid shoot, and now this. I don't need everyone in the world to gang up on me all at once. Especially not my own fucking boyfriend.
"Flashback to a week ago when you totally ignored me for a whole day! Prioritize me, why don't you?"
He sighed and didn't say anything for a moment.
"I said I was sorry."
"That doesn't just erase it."
"Why do you have to be so difficult? You never see anything from my perspective."
"Oh, and what's this almighty perspective that you have?" I challenged.
"My girlfriend drives far into the city alone, and says the shoot will finish at four, but now it's five and she won't call me back. That wouldn't have you a little worried?"
I sighed. "I understand that you were worried, Jake, but I was only an hour late. You don't have to come and attack me like this when I have a valid excuse. Unlike you, who just mysteriously says he was 'busy.'"
"I can't even talk to you anymore, you're so goddamn difficult."
"You want to call me difficult? Me? Take a look in a mirror, Jake. Then you'll see difficult."
"Whatever, Gemma. You aren't even trying anymore."
"I'm not even trying anymore? What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that you don't give a fuck about this relationship anymore."
I thought I heard him wrong, the thought was so ridiculous.
"You're joking, right? No one has ever put as much into a relationship than I have put into ours. Do you realize the amount of shit I take for you? And from you, at that. I'm a fucking saint for staying with you."
"Then leave me, Gemma! Do it! You won't, because you need me. And you don't want to admit it, like I will admit it, because you just think you're so much better than me. You think you could do so much better, don't you?"
"That's not true, Jake."
"Yes it is. If you don't want me, Gem, don't keep taking me."
I let the words hang between us for a moment, only hearing his steady breathing through the phone.
"Do you want me?" I asked softly.
"Of course."
"I don't believe you."
"I don't care. Believe me or don't, Gemma. I'm telling you I want you with all of my heart. Do with that what you will."
"But why do you want me? Apparently I'm the most difficult person in the world and you think I'm not even trying anymore, so why do you want me?"
"Because I...I love you. That's it; that's why. That's enough for me and it should be for you. And you accusing me of not wanting you drives me fucking insane."
"Well, you drive me fucking insane, sorry to break it to you."
"Your attitude does as well."
"Anything else while we're at it?"
"Here's one: how about how you keep texting that Shawn kid and acting like I don't notice? That drives me just a bit insane, too."
"He's only a friend, Jake. I've told you a million times."
"Only a friend my ass. Maybe he's a friend to you, but you're more than a friend to him, I can guarantee it."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Why would he just be your friend, Gemma? I'm sure he has plenty of friends; he doesn't need you to be his friend. He has a thing for you, Gem; don't be so oblivious. And you constantly talking to him is just feeding into it."
I rolled my eyes, thankful that he couldn't see. Complete bullshit.
"You don't even know him, Jake. We are just friends and that's all we'll ever be. Why are you so insecure about it, anyways? What do you possibly have to worry about?"
He took a moment to speak. "You leaving me."
"Don't treat me like shit and maybe I won't leave."
"Are you going to?"
"You told me to. Earlier. Maybe I will."
"Gem."
"What?"
"Just...don't. Please."
"Why?"
"I love you."
Three words that are supposed to hold everything suddenly felt so empty.
"Not enough."
———
shawn mendes >>>
gemma clark
guess who just almost broke up with her boyfriend??
It was the best thing I had seen all day.
If you took out the "almost."
me
gemma clark?
gemma clark
ding ding ding
me
so why the "almost?"
gemma clark
i don't want to leave him. i really don't. i love him
me
so you want to stay?
gemma clark
i do. i just want it to get better, ya know?
me
yeah i know
gemma clark
have you ever been in love?
me
what?
gemma clark
have you?
me
yeah?
gemma clark
so you know what it's like
me
i guess so
gemma clark
i'm in love
gemma clark
i can't help it, shawn
me
i know
me
please, just don't let him off easily
gemma clark
oh definitely not. he has to apologize if he wants to even speak to me again
me
will he?
gemma clark
probably. just so we can start the cycle over again
me
don't be dumb, gemma. please
gemma clark
don't be a fool
me
haha very funny
me
but i'm serious. i don't want you to get hurt
me
i mean, no one does
gemma clark
don't worry about me. this isn't my first rodeo
me
huh?
gemma clark
it's just a phrase. never mind
me
sorry i'm not an intellectual like you
gemma clark
it is frustrating, but i'll let it slide
gemma clark
would you happen to want to hang out later or something? i sort of want to see what jake does
me
there's nothing i love more than being used to make your boyfriend mad
gemma clark
no i didn't mean it like that!!
gemma clark
i'm sorry i'm just now realizing how awful that sounded
gemma clark
i mean, i want to hang out with you, but i also want to piss off jake
gemma clark
but mostly hang out with you
me
apology accepted. i'm there
gemma clark
yay!!
gemma clark
can i please pick you up? it would mean a lot to me
me
sure. if it means so much to you
gemma clark
okay. you send me an address, i'll be there at 7-ish. deal?
me
deal. see you then
gemma clark
can't wait
me
me neither
It's only five-thirty. Seven is so far away, but at least I can practice in my head not sounding like a total idiot whenever I speak.
I've already decided that I'm going to get over my stupid Gemma Clark crush, because it isn't doing me any good. Connor's right. I'm just going to get hurt, and I don't want that. She'll never be able to have feelings for me, and that's okay. It's not her fault. She has already found the guy she loves, and I should just be happy for her. She said she was in love with him. It's just wrong for me to try and break up something that she wants, even if it seems miserable.
I can find someone else, and I can fall for someone else. Someone who can actually reciprocate the feelings I have. Gemma and I can just be friends, like we say we are. That's fine. I like her as just a friend.
Whatever you say.
—————
hey everyone! haha it took me forever to update, sorry! i've been so busy with school, and soccer just started, so that takes up basically all of my day. do any of you guys play soccer? i like it for the most part. high school sports are definitely the most exhausting thing ever, though.
did you like this chapter? i know it kinda sucked, but i'm trying. what do you think will/should happen next??🤔
➡️what are you guys listening to right now?
i've got like real people do by hozier on. it's currently one of my faves; i just think it's so perfect.
ok thank you thank you for reading!! please vote and comment!!
have a good day!!
-maggie xx