chapter playlist ⏯
• all we ever do is say goodbye - john mayer
• strangers - sigrid
• when we were on fire - james bay
———
the following night
gemma clark <<<
"Jake," I murmured, feeling his lips on my neck and the smell of his cologne around my head. He made a noise like "hm?" but he continued to kiss me, biting my skin gently. Damn, it felt good, though.
"Maybe you shouldn't," I said hesitantly, pulling back from him a bit.
He stopped, raising his head to look at me, and then raised his eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, I want to know that your apology is sincere and that you didn't do it just so you could come over here and sleep with me."
The words lingered in the air for a moment, hanging over me and making me feel bad. But I was being honest. I've got to be honest if I want to keep this relationship alive.
His face fell, and he brushed my hair behind my shoulder gently, frowning.
"I didn't...you really think that's why I came over? You think that I would use you like that? I really did mean my apology, I meant every word. I just thought..." he trailed off, sitting back and away from me now. "Just tell me to stop and I'll stop, Gemma. I don't want it unless you do, you know that."
I did know that. Now I feel like the jerk.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to be like —" I began but he shook his head.
"No, you're right. I do this every time. Let's just not," he said, squeezing my hand and giving me a small smile. He got up and grabbed his jacket. He stopped, and I realized that his jacket was hanging right next to Shawn's from the other night. I already had a lie.
"Who's is this?" he asked, pointing to it. "It's not mine, is it?"
I quickly shook my head. "Edith wore it over here a couple days ago. I think it's Brad's or something." I shrugged, thankful that I had a best friend who was willing to let me use her to lie to my boyfriend.
He believed it, I guess.
"You don't have to leave. I just didn't want it to...be like that. I want you here, though," I told him, sort of feeling bad now.
"Really?" he asked. I nodded. I did really want him here.
He put his jacket back, and a piece of me felt guilty for lying. But telling the truth would only complicate things. It's not like I cheated on him or anything.
A harmless little white lie. That's all it was. Like he hasn't told me a million and one of them already.
"I'm sorry," he said, sitting down next to me on my bed. "I'm sorry for hurting you over and over again. I really don't want to."
I nodded. "I know. It still hurts, though."
He sighed, then interlocked his fingers with mine, looking at me to meet my eyes. "I will be better. Promise."
Promise. Kind of a big word. There's a lot of meaning in that word. Although I did believe it more when I knew he was sober. Alcohol is what gets us into these messes.
I gave him a weak smile. "I don't know if I can believe you, Jake. I don't know if you'll ever change. That's kind of scary, ya know? You...you hurt me. How am I supposed to trust you ever again?"
His face was sad, regret in his eyes. I think I've painted him in a really bad light. He's truly not evil; he doesn't want to hurt me, he really doesn't. He wants me to love him, he wants us to work. But he just can't control his own emotions sometimes, and his anger and jealously get the best of him. I don't think he's a bad guy, though. He just might not be my guy.
"I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't want to hurt you," he said weakly.
"But you did! Jake, you did hurt me. I don't care if you didn't mean to. You fucking did, and it hurt, and it broke something here. We're not the same as before."
He was quiet for a moment, his sad eyes focused on the floor. I flashed back to the moment a few minutes ago when he was kissing my neck, and I was forgetting about this. All the mistakes. But that's what always happens. He tried to take away the pain by giving me a good feeling instead, as if it could just wash away what he did. Not this time. Although it felt much easier that way.
The beauty of our relationship was that we always talked about being different, and being better, and we made these promises, but everything was just the same. Nothing ever changes.
He's such a good liar, though.
"You always say you don't mean to hurt me. You don't want to hurt me. If you don't want to, then stop fucking doing it. Stop fucking hurting me, Jake. Because I know that I am done with this," I told him, feeling my face get hot and my words come out fast. "I'm done choosing you when all you ever do is choose yourself."
Was I being too harsh?
No. He is the one in the wrong here, not me. It's insane that I even consider this being too harsh.
"Gemma," he began, but he trailed off, not knowing what to say. I don't even know what I wanted him to say. Are there any words that could fix this? Probably not.
"I don't know what to say to make it better. I don't know how. I don't know how to fucking make this better, Gemma," he said, his voice low and quiet. He put his face in his hands as he said this. "I'm never going to be the guy you deserve. Never, ever, ever. As much as I want to be."
I felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart. These words hurt more than anything else.
"I love you, Gemma. You might think that everything I say is complete bullshit, but please believe me when I say that I love you. I wouldn't still be here if I didn't," he said.
I rolled my eyes.
"Well, I'm very lucky then, aren't I? That I get some of Jake Dempsey's precious time?"
"Gem, you know I wasn't saying it like that. Don't be like this."
"How come you get to be like that, though? You can act like a total jerk to me and I'm just supposed to take it? That's not how this should work!"
He didn't say anything.
"You don't love me, Jake Dempsey. You're just saying that so I will fall back into your trap, and we can repeat the cycle. You don't love me," I told him coldly.
He laughed sarcastically. "Gemma, why would I still be here if I didn't love you? There's a thousand other girls in LA that would gladly take me. And they probably would be easier to deal with than you. But no, I stay with my Gemma, even though my mind tells me that it's not working, and even though my heart tells me you don't love me back. I stay," he said. Was that supposed to make me feel any better?
He continued. "Every time I even try to think about leaving, I just can't. I know you want to get out, I can see it in your eyes, but I can't even bear the thought of you with someone else. You're my girl, you always have been. And I know that I have a sucky way of showing you that you mean the whole world to me, but you do. That's why I go so crazy, just when I see you looking at another guy. It just convinces me that you really don't love me. But I can't let you go, Gem. I love you too much. I need you too much."
I had never heard him like this. Sound so...genuine. I've known him for a really long time, and I can tell what's real and what's fake. This was real. A part of me wishes it wasn't.
"I think you should just go home, Jake," I told him bluntly.
He looked at me helplessly. I don't know what to do.
"Don't push me away like this, Gemma. Don't just avoid it like we always do," he said. "Tell me you don't love me. Tell me and I'll leave and I won't come back."
"Jake, you know I don't want that—"
"No, Gemma. If you don't think I'm the guy for you, then don't let me keep you from him. Just tell me the truth."
Never has he said anything like this, not since I've met him. It's always been us. There's never been a doubt; it's always been this thing that was like, written in the stars. Now it's like, he's letting me choose. He's letting me choose what I want for once. But I don't know what to say. I don't know what I want. It's always been him.
He sighed and his face fell after I didn't say anything, then he shook his head.
"I knew it. I've always known it. You've always been better than me; you've always deserved more. And every time I feel like I have you, I go and fuck it up. Every single time."
"Jake, please. We don't need to do this right now," I told him quietly. I don't want this. I just want things to go back to when we were happy. I would just rather not talk about it. I guess that's what's wrong with us. We avoid our problems.
"I'm only saying any of this because I want you to be happy, Gemma. I want the best for you. And it kills me to say it, but maybe that's not me," he said, getting up and grabbing his jacket.
"So what, are you breaking up with me?" I asked him, as if I was challenging him. Wondering what he would say.
He turned his head and smiled at me. "I could never break up with you, Gemma Clark. I love you way too much."
And with that, he opened the door and left. I fell onto my bed, his smell still lingering on the sheets. I missed him.
God, am I crazy? Does he really mean everything he's saying?
I don't know. I don't know anything.
— — —
the next day
shawn mendes >>>
"I don't know about this, Natalie."
Natalie. Sounds sweet. Sounds cute. Sounds like a girl you want to know.
I mean, it sounds like all of those things.
She smiled at me, with perfect teeth and dark red lips, pulling me along with her. I followed, even though I wasn't too into it. "You think too much, Shawn. Just...don't think. For once."
Before I could even respond, she had me against the wall and her lips were on mine. And it was...fine. It's always just fine. Nothing I haven't felt before.
What is Natalie Adams? To me? Girlfriend definitely isn't the word. Friend with benefits? Maybe, as much as that phrase makes me cringe. She's just...there. We don't really go out, or go on dates. We just end up together. I asked her out on a real date one time, and she just laughed and said that I'm "too good" for her. I didn't know what that meant, so I never brought it up again.
She always ends up around, because her friends are friends with my friends, and so we are just both there and that's that. She'll have a few drinks and convince me to as well, then we'll make out in the corner of the room until she breathlessly suggests going back to her place, to which I almost always breathlessly agree to. I don't know why. Something about saying no feels wrong, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. She really is a nice girl, and I like her enough, as a friend. She kills the time, and fills the lonely space for just a moment.
It's such a Connor thing to do; he knows it too. "You still hooking up with the Adams girl?" he'll ask, to which I'll shrug. He'll grin and laugh. I don't think it's funny, but whatever.
I had no desire to be with Natalie, not tonight, at least. Completely sober me never wants to. Yet, she continued to kiss me and I continued to kiss her back, tangling my hands in her perfect blonde hair. She comes back because she probably thinks that I want her to. I kiss her like I mean it. Sometimes I think if I try hard enough than maybe I will mean it.
She was hot, sure. And she was sweet enough, funny enough, nice enough, enough. But she wasn't much deeper than surface level. Like, I know basically nothing about her, the real her. I know her favorite fast food place, and I know her favorite Drake song, but I couldn't tell you the first thing about her real life. Where she's from. Her family. What her big dreams are. She's never shown me what's going on in her head, but maybe that's a boyfriend-only privilege. Of course, she doesn't seem to want that, either. We've been playing this game for a couple months now, and I still don't get it. One time she mentioned a boyfriend, like she had one. Am I the other guy? Am I even in the equation? I don't really want to be that.
But in a way, I'm thankful that it's only this and nothing more. I don't want to be her boyfriend. We aren't even like that. How can you be so fucking close to someone but not even know them at all?
I took off my jacket as her hands pulled my face closer to hers, kissing me harder. Her fingers trembled slightly as she worked on the buttons of my shirt, quickly getting to the point. As always.
My mind wandered to the other night, with Gemma. She's a girl I want to know. She told me about her dreams and her problems and her life, and we only talked for twenty minutes. I feel like I know her more than I know Natalie. I need to put myself out of this misery. For her as well.
Just tell her to stop. You can do that. Just say you don't want to do this anymore. You don't want to play this game anymore.
"Natalie," I started, her lips leaving mine. I took her wrists in my hands and held them, and she looked at me, obviously confused.
"What?" she asked, seeming bewildered.
I breathed in heavily, looking for the words to
say. "I...I don't want to do this anymore."
I actually said it.
Oh my God, I actually said it.
Fuck.
She stepped back slightly, looking at me as if I was a stranger. "What? What do you mean?"
"I mean that I don't want to keep playing this game with you. This isn't good for either of us. You know that," I said, nervously looking down at the ground."
"Why not?"
God. I shouldn't have to explain this.
"This is just killing time. This means nothing to you. I mean nothing to you. I just don't want it to be like that," I told her.
She looked at me as if I had slapped her in the face, but then she softened and nodded. "You do mean something to me, Shawn. Really," she said, taking a step closer to me. I didn't believe her.
"But I don't, Nat. Come on. If I really meant something to you, then you would want to be with me. For real. But you don't. And that's fine. I knew that already, anyways. I just don't want to keep doing something that means nothing."
She sighed, and buttoned the few buttons of the shirt she had undone. "I know I shouldn't have done this to you. I knew that you didn't want this, but I pushed for it anyways. I don't know why I'm such an idiot." She shook her head, turning away from me.
"It's not your fault. It's mine. I let this go on way too long," I said, running my fingers through my hair. "I like you. Really. But this...I just don't want this. It's draining."
She nodded, brushing her fingers through her own hair. She sat on the edge of her bed and kicked off her heels. I sat next to her. "I'm sorry," she sniffled, looking at the ground.
"Don't be. It was fun."
Not really. But if it'll make her feel better, then I'll say it. She smiled a bit. "Yeah. I guess it was." We were both quiet for a moment, a comfortable silence between us.
"So who is he?" I asked.
She looked at me. "Who?"
I gave her a doubtful look. "Your boyfriend."
She chuckled. "I don't have one. Really. I'm just sort of in love with this guy who has a girlfriend. That's it."
I nodded. "I know the feeling." Shut the fuck up, no you do not.
"Any girl with a brain would choose you, Shawn. Believe me," she said.
"So why aren't you? Choosing me, I mean," I asked. Not that I wanted her to. I just wanted to see where the disconnect is. Because everyone tells me how "any girl would be lucky to be with me" or "you could have any girl you want" yet there's still no one here besides Natalie. And we've already established that that is not going to work out.
She smiled a bit. "Besides the fact that I'm in love with someone else? Probably because you're too good for me."
I rolled my eyes. "Such a lame answer. Don't tiptoe around my feelings, Natalie. Tell me the truth."
She gave me a look. "What do you want, for me to tear you to shreds?"
I laughed. "No. But...I'm just curious."
She thought for a moment. "Well, I wasn't just tiptoeing around your feelings. I meant it. You're too good for someone like me. You deserve better. Someone like me will ruin you. You can take my word for it."
I didn't say anything, because I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to respond.
"I really do like you," she said, nudging my shoulder. "And I would like to still be friends, if that's cool with you."
I nodded and smiled. "Of course," I replied. Another silence. I was thankful that this was the smoothest "break-up that's not really a break-up at all" ever. Neither of us genuinely like each other like that, though, so it makes sense. There were never any feelings involved.
"Listen, I think I'm going to go. Good luck with...that guy." I hate myself for being so painfully awkward.
She laughed a little. "Thanks. And good luck with the girl," she replied.
I looked at her funny. "What girl?"
She gave me a knowing smile. "Whoever it is that made you do this. End this, all of a sudden. She's a really lucky girl, whoever she is."
I smiled, not truly processing what she had said. "Thanks. I'll see you around?"
She nodded. "Yeah. See ya."
I couldn't help but notice the sort of sad look on her face when I closed the door, but I was still thinking about what she had said.
There's no girl. I just thought it was time to end this. Completely random time. No correlation to anyone else.
Keep telling yourself that.
—————
➡️ hi there!!
chapter 2 is finished. did you like it? if you did, please let me know!
are you enjoying this so far? i know it just started, but i want to make sure that this is actually interesting and not the worst ever. i'm enjoying writing it, so hopefully you are enjoying reading it!!
➡️ what songs are you guys listening to right now?
i'm currently listening to:
gravity by john mayer, which is one of my favorite songs ever. you should listen to it and love it forever.
please vote and comment!! it means so much to me.
thanks for reading!
xx- maggie