chapter playlist ⏯
• i don't even know your name - shawn mendes
• what a feeling - one direction
• here - alessia cara
— — —
shawn mendes >>>
"Do you know who that is?"
I looked at my friend, Connor, and he furrowed his eyebrows.
"Who?"
I nodded towards a girl who was sitting alone at the bar, taking tiny sip after tiny sip. She seemed to just be observing everything from her corner, looking down at her phone frequently, then back up at the people around her.
"That girl?" he asked, and I nodded. "I don't know...she looks a bit familiar though, doesn't she?"
"Yeah, she does," I said. But the familiarity wasn't what caught my eye, really. Her loneliness caught my eye. How could someone like her be alone?
She was beautiful; next-level beautiful. Like, you would bring her home to meet your mom and your mom would be confused as to why this girl is with you, she's that beautiful. But not in a fake way, or overpowering way. She was just beautiful. She looked like the quiet girl in school that no one really paid any attention to, but really was stunning once you actually looked at her. Even now, I don't understand why there's no one around her. Am I seeing something different than everyone else?
I continued to glance at her frequently, quickly bored by my surroundings. It's never been my scene, parties, but I often found myself around, with nagging friends and no excuse. A real girlfriend would give me an excuse, but I don't have one of those.
"You shouldn't keep staring at her. You should just talk to her," Connor said, giving her a quick glance before looking back at me. "She's cute."
"Cute" wasn't Connor's type, I knew. Connor's type was hot, no strings attached, all fun and no commitment. It's fine now, when we're nineteen or twenty, but it will catch up to him, and no strings attached won't fly with most girls. Besides, isn't all that stuff better when you actually have feelings for the person you're doing it with? I mean, I don't know, maybe I'm the weird one.
Honestly, what do I know? It's not like I've ever been "in love." Maybe I said I was, I don't know. But I wasn't in love. How do you even know?
All I know is that the games get boring and these parties all start to blend together, and I always feel myself getting sucked into it all over again. Hanging out with a girl for weeks just because I feel bad for telling her that I don't want this anymore. I feel like the out of place one here, because it seems that everyone else in the world is the opposite way. Easy, no strings, careless fun. No consequences. No feelings. When did feelings become such a bad thing?
I looked over at the girl for the seven hundredth time, then back at Connor. "No way."
He gave me a look. "Are you kidding me? That girl would be all over you, believe me."
"She's way out of my league," I told him, shaking my head.
"Impossible. Have a little confidence, dude. you're Shawn Mendes, for Christ's sake. Who's she?"
"I...I don't know."
"Exactly. What do you have to lose?"
I couldn't tell if any of this made any sense or if he was just totally talking out of his ass right now. Probably the latter.
Either way, I wasn't about to do anything about it. There's no way she's here alone, and even if she was, she wouldn't be interested in me. I also don't want to be that guy who's annoying a girl when she is just trying to be alone.
When I didn't answer, Connor just shook his head. "Just keep staring, man," he muttered. I ignored him.
A few minutes later, a guy did approach her. Goddamnit I should have made my move now this guy's going to get her you shouldn't be such a loser Shawn.
I watched the whole thing; the way he leaned over the back of her chair, talking into her ear; the way he ran his hand down her arm, reaching her hand and interlacing their fingers. The way that she kissed his cheek and smiled at him. I knew she wasn't here alone. A girl like that.
The whole thing gave me a bad taste in my mouth, but I still watched them, wondering what he was saying to her, wondering what he had said to make her laugh, wondering what name he had called her. Wondering if they would go home together, and if she would say "I love you" before they went to bed. And wondering if he said "I love you too," and really meant it.
Oh my God, I need to stop. I don't even know her name.
At this point in time, I had gone back to watching the rest of the party, trying to remove that girl that I didn't even know from my mind. Connor looked at me again, then nonchalantly glanced back at her.
"The good ones are always taken," he said, looking at the pair a bit longer. I nodded, as if I didn't care. "God, they know that people can see them, right?"
I laughed a bit. "I don't think they care." I was jealous.
He gave me a look, and then looked at them again, as if he was figuring something out. "Hey, that's Jake Dempsey."
"Who?"
"Jake Dempsey. The guy who's going making out with your girl."
I cringed. "First of all, she's not my girl. And who's Jake Dempsey?"
Connor gave me a look, as if I was the stupidest person alive. "You know, he was in those movies. Maybe in some big tv show. I don't really know exactly what he does, I just know that he's kind of a big deal."
"How big of a deal can he be if I don't even know who he is?"
"Touché. Why didn't you have that attitude with the girl?" he asked, nudging my shoulder, and I didn't say anything.
"I actually have heard that he and his girlfriend are like, pretty serious. Think like...Selena and Justin. Or Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis," he said, and I just looked back at this supposed "Jake Dempsey" and his pretty serious girlfriend, now both laughing like they had heard something hilarious.
"Do you know her name?" I asked Connor, and he looked like he was thinking.
"No. But that's nothing a quick Google search can't fix," he said, but I shook my head.
"No, that's just weird and stalker-ish," I quickly said. "And it's okay. Really. I don't even know her," I replied.
"Says the one who looks at her every four seconds," he said, and I smiled. He was right.
"It doesn't even matter. She probably wouldn't like me anyways," I said, trying to play it off.
He gave me a grin and a pat on the shoulder.
"You don't give yourself enough credit."
I shrugged.
"You know, I think I'm just gonna take the rest of the night off. I've got an early day ahead of me anyways," I told him. I don't really have an early day, but it's a great excuse.
He nodded. "Sounds good. I'll catch you later."
"Yeah."
And with that, I put my hands in my pockets and started to make my way towards the door, but not before making an obligatory stop by a group of girls who just had to talk to me. I know, sometimes I'm a jerk inside my head. but I entertained them for a few moments too long before insisting I truly had to leave, smiling and turning away from their goodbyes.
In a split second, someone pushed past me and out the door. I saw her dark hair and could tell it was the girl from earlier, and soon after her came the boyfriend, "Jake Dempsey" or whatever. Just by his name, he sounds like a total douche.
I followed them; well, not actually "followed," because I was already going that way. I heard them, and then saw them going to the side of the building where no one was. I heard her say "stop, Jake" and when I peeked over behind the corner, I saw how he had taken her wrists in his hands and pushed her against the side of the building, his face in hers, and how she had turned her head away, and how he was saying something to her. Not in the way like before, not like she wanted him to be there. More like he was hurting her. I knew I should do something, but I was frozen for a moment.
Right as I was about to actually do something, he let go of her wrists and they fell to her side. He looked at her and said something else, then turned on his heel and got inside a car that was supposedly waiting for him, leaving her standing there as he drove away. And then after he was out of sight, she slid down the wall until she was sitting on the ground, her knees curled up her her chest, and she silently sobbed. My heart began to hurt for her.
"Are you— are you okay?" I approached her, for real, not in my mind this time. She looked up at me with tear-stained eyes, and sniffled, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her t-shirt. Her eyes were brown and beautiful; twinkling with the neon signs and lights of the city around us. I couldn't stop looking at them.
When she didn't reply, I shook my head and looked down at my feet.
"Sorry. That was a stupid question," I told her, and she quickly shook her head. Why am I such an idiot?
"No, it wasn't," she replied before sniffling again. There was a silence between us, filled by the sounds of the city. "I'm...I'm okay."
I put my hands in my pockets, noticing that it was a bit cold out here, and she was only in jeans and a John Mayer concert t-shirt. I don't know her, but I also don't want her to be cold. But I also don't know her, so.
"Are you sure? Because you don't look okay," I told her softly, and she just looked up at me.
"It doesn't matter," she replied, wrapping her arms around herself. I saw the goosebumps on her arms. "Really."
"Well, I think it does."
She looked at me doubtfully.
"But it doesn't, that's the thing. Everyone just says they're okay, because that's what everyone else wants to hear. It doesn't matter. It never does."
I didn't know what to say. I feel bad.
"Life is just pretending," she said decidedly.
I sighed. "Yeah. It is. I get really sick of pretending," I said, leaning against the wall. She nodded.
"Yeah, me too," she said, kicking a stray rock in front of her. "It's funny, though, because I can't stop pretending. I pretend so much that it's not even pretend anymore. It becomes me. And it's like my whole identity is just this lie that was created to please the people around me, and I can't even please myself."
When I didn't say anything, she shook her head. "I'm sorry. You probably think I'm insane."
I quickly shook my head. No. I like you for only having known you for two minutes.
"I don't. Really. I get it," I told her, and she just nodded.
"Okay."
We were both quiet for a minute, until I saw her shiver and decided enough was enough.
"I hate to be so cliche, but you're freezing. Here," I said, taking off my jacket. She shook her head and objected, but I couldn't stand to see the poor girl cold again.
"No, really. I'm okay," she said, waving her hand no.
I gave her a small smile. "You're not okay, obviously, and I already took it off, so you might as well just take it," I told her, and she showed an adorable smile, looking down at her feet before looking back at me.
"Okay," she said, taking it and putting it on carefully. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," I replied, and I couldn't help but smile. I feel like an idiot. Is it completely obvious that I think she is gorgeous? Yes.
She stood up, now wearing my jacket, which gave me some sense of pride for no reason, and held her hand out to me.
"Gemma Clark. Crying at a club near you," she said, and I laughed and shook her hand.
Suddenly, Gemma was the most beautiful name I had ever heard.
"Shawn Mendes," I told her.
She tilted her head to the side and looked me funny, letting go of my hand. "Wait, Shawn Mendes? Like, the Shawn Mendes?"
I chuckled. "I mean, I don't know any others."
"Wow. You did look familiar," she replied. "Nice to meet you, Shawn Mendes. I hate cliches too."
I laughed. "Nice to meet you too, Gemma Clark."
And then we both just kind of stood there, her beautiful eyes still glistening from her crying, but she was smiling, and it was as perfect as I imagined.
"I can give you a ride home, unless you want to sit in the cold all night," I said with a smile, remembering how her boyfriend left her and hoping I wasn't coming on too strong, although I probably was. She laughed.
"So you saw that?"
"Saw what?"
"My jerk of a boyfriend totally ditch me."
"Seems like your jerk of a boyfriend did more than just totally ditch you," I replied bluntly, and a sad look crossed her face again. It was true. I saw what happened.
She sniffled again. "Yeah. You could say that."
"You shouldn't be with someone like that, you know," I told her, looking at the ground and not at her.
She shook her head. "It's more complicated than that."
Except it's not. "Sorry," I quickly replied, not even knowing what I was saying sorry for. I was sorry that her boyfriend was a jerk, and I was sorry that she was cold, and I was sorry that she was actually going to be with this guy again after what he did. I was sorry.
She shook her head before I could even finish. "No. I don't need apologies. Not from you, at least."
I looked at my feet then up at her, wondering about her boyfriend. Wondering what he had to apologize for. Wondering if she was going to take my offer for a ride. Kind of hoping she would.
"Okay," I simply replied, waiting for her to say something else. I wanted to know what he did what he said, what made her fall to the ground and fall to pieces.
"I was supposed to stay with him tonight. Jake," she said, kicking a rock on the ground. Jake. I hated everything about him and I've never met him.
"But you're not going to, right?" I asked. If she was, I might go crazy.
"No. He left me. If he expects me to just..." she trailed off, angrily clutching the sleeves of my jacket.
"What did I expect though? What's new with him anyways? It's always something with him, ya know? I'm always the bad guy. What is with that?" she went on, saying things I didn't know how to respond to. I think she forgot I was standing there.
"All I do is try to please him, and convince myself that this is right, that we belong together, that I really love him as much as I want to. But like, I can't anymore. I can't do this anymore," she said, her voice becoming softer, and another tear fell from her eye. No don't cry. Please don't cry.
"I'm so sorry. You don't even know me and you probably think I'm crazy," she trailed off for a moment, speaking again before I could say anything. "It's just...he never even listens to me. Nobody ever listens to me. And it sucks."
She looked out; past me, past the crowded streets, past this town. I could see the brokenness in her eyes, and the longing. For more. For better.
"You shouldn't be with someone who makes you feel like this. Someone who makes you feel like you have to convince yourself that you love them. That's so wrong," I told her.
She sniffled again, wiping her eyes. "I know it is," she said, her voice a whisper. "I know it's all wrong. But I'm a great pretender, Shawn Mendes."
I could not get a handle on this girl. I don't understand her at all, but I want to. I want to understand.
"If the offer still stands, and I couldn't blame you if it doesn't because I seem like an actual crazy person, I could really use a ride home," she said after a moment, meeting my eyes for a second before looking at the ground again. "As long as you're not going to like, murder me or something."
I laughed. "I wasn't planning on it," I replied, and she tucked a piece of her dark hair behind her ear, a small smile still playing in her lips.
"I'm really sorry," she said again, and I shook my head and gave her a smile.
"Don't be," I simply replied. She smiled a bit, crossing her arms over her chest and looking at the ground. "I'd say we should get out of here, probably."
She laughed softly. "That sounds like a great plan."
I shoved my hands in my pockets, feeling the cold air through my shirt without my jacket. She followed me to my car, hesitantly getting in. I haven't been this nervous to drive somewhere in a long time.
I watched her get in, buckle her seatbelt, and sit politely in the passengers seat. I couldn't stare, but I wanted to. She, however, didn't seem to give me a second glance.
"So, did you grow up here?" she asked me when we were on our way, and I appreciated her making small talk. I'm awful at starting conversations and holding them.
"No, not at all. I'm from Canada. I've been here a couple years, I guess," I replied.
"Canada? That's far."
I nodded and laughed. "You're telling me."
"Do you miss it?" she asked.
"Yeah. A lot. But, you get used to it eventually," I said, not wanting to dive too far into my personal life. "What about you? Are you from here?"
"Me, a California girl? In my seventh grade dreams," she said with a small smile. "Try Nebraska."
"Nebraska? Sounds...cool."
She laughed a bit. "Not really. It's kind of a dead end," she said, looking out the window.
"So why are you here? To be tied down to a guy you don't even love at what, eighteen years old?"
She gave me a look, as if she was surprised to hear me say that. I was only half kidding.
"Nineteen. And yeah. I guess you could say that," she mumbled.
"But seriously," I said, looking over at her. I needed her to be more than this...than this guy.
She took a deep breath. "My mom died, about three years ago, and I couldn't stay in Nebraska. She was the only thing keeping me there in the first place. I was mad at my dad, even though it obviously wasn't his fault, and so I moved to LA to live with my aunt," she explained, still looking out the window. "But she moved back to Nebraska about six months ago, and I decided to stay here."
Oh.
"I'm really sorry. About your mom. That must've been really hard," I said. She shrugged.
"Kind of. But I was always on my own, really. It was just hard, not having anyone to talk to about...life. No one can ever really replace your mom, you know?" she said, and I nodded. I mean, I didn't actually know, but I understood.
"Sometimes I think I should've gone back to Nebraska. With my aunt," she said. "Maybe it would have been better..."
She trailed off, and I wondered what she meant. Better.
"So why don't you now? Why don't you just get out?" I asked.
"It's more complicated than that," she simply replied. I hated that response. What's so complicated about it?
I dropped it, because I didn't want to push too much. I don't even know her.
"I got a contract to do modeling when I moved here," Of course you did. "and I met Jake through that. But modeling isn't really my thing. I don't really have the look for it. At all. Or the personality."
You're way too beautiful to be a model, I wanted to say.
"What, is there a specific model personality?" I asked with a smile.
She smiled. "Kind of. It's like, the confidence and the way they carry themselves. Always looking perfect and acting like they're better than everyone else."
I laughed.
"I mean, I'm sure they don't all act like that," she quickly added.
"So what do you want to do? Instead of modeling, I mean," I asked.
"I'm not really sure," she replied. "Just take it a day at a time, I guess. I'm taking college classes now, but that's about as far as I've gotten."
"Okay, but what do you want to do? Like, your big dreams?" I asked her, looking over at her and smiling.
She laughed a bit. "My big dreams?"
I nodded.
"Well, I...I don't really know. I've always liked writing, so, in an ideal world, I guess I would write," she said with a shrug, smiling as she thought about it. "And live in a cute little house by the ocean. Being truly happy is the main dream, I guess."
I nodded. "I like that," I told her. "And writing is cool. Much cooler than being a model, I'd say," I said with a smile.
"Turn here. And yeah, I think so too. Other people don't think so, though," she said.
"Other people like who?"
She sighed. "My friends, my boyfriend. Basically, everyone besides my mom."
"Well, add me to your mom's side of that list," I told her, and she laughed.
"Maybe you should just do what you want to do and not worry about everyone else," I suggested, and she gave me a small smile.
"Yeah," she said. "Maybe I should."
"Am I here?" I asked, pulling into an apartment complex. She nodded.
"I really can't thank you enough," she said sheepishly, brushing her hair out of her face to look at me. "Not just for the ride, but for listening. Nobody really listens to me."
I returned her smile. "No problem," I said. "I liked listening."
She didn't get out just yet, she just looked at me with an amused smile.
"What?" I asked, laughing a bit.
She laughed too. "Your girlfriend must be crazy about you."
I really laughed. "Yeah. If only she existed."
Her mouth dropped open. "No way! I refuse to believe that you don't have a girlfriend."
"Believe it. We don't all settle for people we don't love, Gemma Clark," I said with a smile, and she laughed. It's funny how she thought something that wasn't funny was funny.
"Touché, Shawn Mendes," she replied, a bit of a twinkle in her eye. I liked hearing her say my name. "I'll see you around. Thanks again."
See me around? Where? When?
If she didn't have a fucking boyfriend...and Jake Dempsey, at that. How could I have been dealt worse cards in this situation? I'm up against a movie star, for Christ's sake.
"See you around," I replied, watching her get out of the car.
She was still wearing my jacket as I drove away, and I wasn't mad about it at all.
———
"You're kidding." Connor's voice was clear through the phone. I had to call someone about her, about my twenty minutes with Gemma Clark. He would never believe it.
"I'm not kidding, Connor. That's the thing. She was in my car, we were talking and laughing. It was like...amazing. It was amazing.
I know I'm exaggerating. But it's been a long time since I've felt anything real towards someone, so it feels even better. It feels crazier.
"Okay, so then what? Did you get her number or something?" he asked.
"How do you ask a girl with a boyfriend for her number?"
"I thought you said she doesn't even like her boyfriend," he pointed out. I sighed.
"She doesn't, really. But she's like, trapped in this relationship with him," I replied. "He sounds like a total jerk and I kind of hate him."
I'm getting worked up over a girl that I just met and simply gave a ride home. It was nothing. A favor. She has a boyfriend. She's not interested.
"Sounds like a mess, dude. I wouldn't want to get involved in all of that," Connor said. Well I know you wouldn't. You've never met her.
"I know, but I just felt like there was something there," I said, looking out my window at the city. "Maybe there wasn't. Maybe I'm crazy. Probably. But I felt something between us. I felt it from the moment I saw her. Is that insane?"
Yes. That's so insane.
I remembered that I was talking to Connor, who wasn't much of a girls or feelings expert, so his advice is probably not the best ever. And he probably does think I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy.
"No, it's not insane. Nobody would fall for a girl like that if they didn't have to."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked defensively.
He chuckled. "I mean, why would you wanna get involved with a girl who has an intimidating, famous boyfriend and some kind of inferiority complex when you don't have to? I definitely wouldn't want that."
Maybe he's right.
God, I don't want to be involved. And I'm not going to be, because I'm never going to see her again.
"Yeah, you're right. I'm going to bed. This night has been a little too much for me," I told him, running my fingers through my hair.
"Yeah, me too. I'll see you later," he replied.
I said goodbye and hung up.
Would it be weird to stalk her Instagram? I mean, it's obviously weird, but is it wrong? I just want to see what her life is like. See if she's fake, just like everyone else. I mean, she admitted to it. At least she's honest.
I quickly found her profile, sporting tons of pictures and tons of followers. There was a picture from just this morning.
gemmaclark
98,627 likes
gemmaclark: gemma or harry potter?? ⚡️
Cute. She's really cute.
The next one was from a few days ago.
gemmaclark
127,382 likes
gemmaclark: i think i won
📷: jakedempsey
Look at her. She's so cute. She's so sweet, and funny. She's cute and sweet and funny and shouldn't be crying in the freezing cold because of her trashy boyfriend. The thought infuriates me all over again.
The next picture was of Jake. Boo.
gemmaclark
317,920 likes
👤: jakedempsey
gemmaclark: ugh he's so much prettier than me what's with that
Stupid. She's stupid for staying with him.
I clicked his profile, Jake Dempsey. His name was so fucking hate-able, honestly.
His most recent picture was of her, a couple days ago.
jakedempsey
985,467 likes
👤: gemmaclark
jakedempsey: "let's hold hands"
Excuse me while I throw up.
It'd be one thing if she was happy with him; it'd be one thing if I was just jealous because she was gorgeous and funny and cool, but it's not just that. It's the fact that she just deserves better. It's the fact that she's settling. It's just disappointing. I don't even know her and I'm so disappointed in her.
I lost the desire to look at her pictures, finding myself getting mad and depressed and feeling lonely. I just need to stop thinking about her. It was a one time thing, just a chance encounter. Gemma Clark will fade into the back of my memory until I forget that those gorgeous brown eyes were once looking at me and smiling.
I'm just going forget.
— — —-
gemma clark <<<
I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, still wrapped in a stranger's jacket. Is he a stranger anymore? I told him a lot about me, too much. Kind of everything.
I should've kept my mouth shut. I should've declined his offer for a ride and just called Edith, but I couldn't take another lecture from her on Jake. I could not stand her telling me that how stupid I am for staying with him. I know how stupid I am. But it's not as easy as she makes it seem. She doesn't know.
But I liked the ride, even if I probably said something lame and totally made a fool out of myself in front of a world famous superstar. A cute one, at that. He probably thinks I'm such a joke; a girl who's defined by her boyfriend. Not strong enough to even handle her own emotions without falling to pieces. Wow, he totally thinks I am so pathetic. I mean, I am, but couldn't I have just pulled it together for one car ride? I guess he found me crying, so it just started out awful. I could only go up from sobbing on the ground, honestly.
Dear God, I definitely said way too much.
But he listened to me. And asked me about my life. And he was funny, and made me laugh, and looked at me like he really cared about how I feel. And he smiled at me, like we had been friends forever. A complete stranger treated me better than my own friends. Wow.
He probably thought I was so pathetic. Correction, he definitely thought I was so pathetic. Crying about my boyfriend who was so obviously bad for me. He didn't even know me and he said I shouldn't be with Jake. Everyone can see it. I mean, it's not that hard to see when you're crying outside all alone in the freezing cold and your boyfriend leaves you all alone. It's crystal clear. I'm the only one who's trying to make it blurry, to convince myself that I want this too. I want him too.
Not all the moments are bad. There are a lot of nice ones. Fewer than when we started out, but still. It's not like I was forced into a relationship with him. I wanted to be with him. I fell in love with him, honestly. Now...it's just different. But in the beginning, seventeen year old me was head over heels for that boy. And I think that he was head over heels for me too. We were in love, so in love, but it just faded out. Combine being away constantly with parties and drinking and trashy girls in clubs and jealousy, and you get what we have now. Just a ghost of what used to be, and two people trying to hold on to something they should have let go a long time ago.
I still love him. How can you ever really stop loving someone? I just miss him even more. I miss when I used to feel safe. And happy. And not so...stuck. I don't get why we stay together. I don't get why he wants me still. He's not all bad though. Most of the time, he's good to me. But the bad times hurt really bad.
But tonight, as I washed the makeup on my face off, I wasn't thinking about Jake. I was thinking about Shawn. I don't even know him. But still. There was something about him that was so refreshing. Like a cold drink of water on a hot day. He was obviously so cool; everything he did looked like he had practiced it a thousand times to make it look the coolest it could possibly look. Every time he smiled, I felt like I had to as well. It was kind of electric.
Why did he even offer to take me home? Who would go out of there way to help someone like me; someone who was obviously such a mess? Why on earth would he do that? He must just be a nice guy. He had that look about him.
I took his jacket off, and wondered how I was going to give it back. It would give me an excuse to see him again, maybe just to talk. I mean, I could use some real friends, and the way he let me talk and how he listened makes me think he would make a pretty good one. I shouldn't get ahead of myself though. He probably just felt bad for me and decided to be a good person and help a pathetic girl out. Probably.
As if Jake would be okay with me having an attractive, world famous guy friend. Right. He wouldn't totally flip out.
I tried to stop thinking about it as I climbed into bed, turning on the TV. Before I could choose a show, my phone rang. Jake, it said, a heart next to his name. I reluctantly answered.
"What?" I asked bluntly. I spotted Friends and turned it on, pulling my sheets over my body.
"Gemma. Babe. Are you home? Are you okay?" he said. I thought I actually heard concern in his voice, but I had to be wrong.
"That's rich, coming from you," I replied dryly.
"Come on, love. I really didn't mean to hurt you. I was just...mad. You know I can't control it," he said, the ghost of his accent there. After moving from Sydney to LA about seven years ago, he sounded American enough. There was a twinge of Sydney in his voice, though, which definitely contributed to his charm. I always liked the accent. I think it's cute.
But this is bullshit, what he's saying right now. He just got mad. I get mad sometimes, but I don't push my girlfriend against a wall and yell at her and hurt her and then abandon her at midnight at a club. That's not what normal people do.
"I don't give a fuck, Jake. I'm done with being treated this way. Seriously," I told him boldly, but I know he was probably not even worried on the other end of the line. I say this every time and I come right back. I'm the weakest fucking person I know.
"Come on, Gemma. You know I didn't meant to hurt you. You know I love you," he said now, and I rolled my eyes.
"Sometimes I'm not so sure, Jake," I shot back.
"Can I come over? We could talk. I wanna make it better, love," he told me. The charm in his voice was so tempting, a temptation I've fallen for countless times. Stay strong.
"I don't think that's a good idea. Maybe tomorrow," I said, attempting to put my foot down. He'll listen to me if I'm being serious.
"I don't want to go to bed like this, babe. I want to make it better," he told me again, something like sincerity in his voice.
No. He wants to come over here, apologize until I finally give in, then we'll make out, and soon enough I'll be letting him do whatever else he wants. And he'll wake up in my bed the next day, and I'll be happy for a moment, until I realize that I let him fuck me over again. I let him win.
"Let's talk tomorrow, Jake. I'm really tired," I told him finally, not willing to budge.
He sighed, seemingly accepting what I said. "Fine. Just...please don't say you're going to leave me. You know how much I need you."
Now I sighed, somehow feeling bad. "I'm not going to leave you." Ah, goddamnit.
"I love you, Gemma. You've got to know that. And I never want to hurt you, and I'm never going to hurt you again. Please don't give up on me," he told me. Lies. He says this every time. I'm just glad he's on the phone and not in front of me, because I would believe those beautiful blue eyes in a heartbeat.
"Okay," I simply replied. "Goodnight."
"Night, Gemma."
I hung up, wanting to cry again, but not wanting to be that weak again. I'm better than that.
With tonight on my mind, along with the words of Shawn Mendes, I decided that Jake Dempsey has one more chance. If anything like tonight ever happens again, I'm gone. If he ever hurts me like that, I am done. And I'm not just saying that. I can't live being afraid of my boyfriend. That's so messed up.
And that's what I will tell him tomorrow.
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hi there! that was my first chapter, i hope you liked it! if you didn't, please don't give up on this story because the first chapters are always the toughest.
thank you so much for reading! it means a lot to me! if you want to read some stories that you don't have to wait for updates, i have 3 completed ones that you could check out. you don't have to. but it would be dope if you did.
➡️ what songs are you guys listening to right now?
i'm just going to ask this question every chapter because i am genuinely curious about what you guys listen to. i'm a music dork who loves other music dorks okay don't judge me.
i've personally got a drop in the ocean by ron pope going, because it is such a good song that i'll never get sick of. 11/10 would recommend.
please comment & don't forget to vote. it makes my day!! :)))
xx- maggie