I'm in the school infirmary right now. I left the classroom in the middle of the lesson, because I couldn't sit there any longer. My handwriting is messy, my heart is beating faster than it should be, I'm feeling light headed and dizzy, I'm sweating, even though I'm feeling cold at the moment. If I don't calm myself right now, I might start hyperventilating.
Normal person would probably be freaking out right now because of these symptoms, but for me it's a daily condition. I need to breathe out slowly. Distraction would help me, but right now I only have my notebook. Writing everything down can help, because I can concentrate on one thought at the moment, but it might make things worse. But beggars are not choosers - right now I'm out of options - I need to calm down and go back to the class or I will fail the exams. Breathe out slowly, Lauren, you can do it. Just like the previous times. I open my notebook. I'll write about my day until this moment.
I woke up at 6 a.m. Mom was already messing things up in the kitchen, but that's the way she cooks. She's politician who also controls a huge company in Canada so she doesn't really have time to cook, but she always insists that she has to be the one preparing our breakfast. She says that otherwise she'd be a bad mother and disappoint me.
"Want some pancakes, sweetie?"
"Yeah, sure," I answered. We both sat down to eat.
"Coffee?"
"No, thanks."
"Kids these days, you guys don't know what tastes good. When I was your age, I would secretly drink coffee every morning, even though your grandma insisted that I should eat healthy breakfast or I will die because of heart attack. She was always so nervous about everything." I don't drink coffee or tea for breakfast, especially before going out somewhere. My heart already beats like a drummer in the heavy metal concert. Coffee would make it into a Super Mario on ecstasy or speed.
"So, what are your plans for today?" I asked before putting a piece of pancake into my mouth.
"Scream at my company workers, meet some famous politicians - the usual. Speaking of which, do you remember the one named Tougo Sakamaki? Today I have a meeting with him. If everything goes smoothly I will reach the most important agreement in my career."
"Sounds stressful." Inhale, slowly exhale.
"No, not at all. I've been preparing for this meeting for quite a while now and I'm sure that everything will go as planned." But what if it won't? What if something happens? What if mom messes up in front of them? Her career will be over. Her passion, her reason for breathing will be taken away from her. What if she faints and...
"Lauren, are you alright? Don't worry about me, everything's going to be fine," She said while squeezing my hand to show how calm she really was. Her hand was warm and steady. It wasn't shacking like mine. She was so relaxed. I was probably showing my mom that I didn't believe in her. I felt guilt.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"For what, silly? You did nothing wrong . I swear, you are just like your grandmother." She smiled.
"Now, tell me what are your plans for today?" I took a sip of water.
"The usual. School, then after school activities. Today I have basketball. After that I will study with Lea. She asked me for some help with English. But I don't really know why. I mean, it's not like I understand the subject completely myself."
"Busy day, for you too, huh."
Mom checked the time.
"I guess I'll be going now. Have a nice day at school, sweetie."
"Good luck," I waved. When she left, I took out my textbook. English teacher is very strict. Preparing for her daily lesson is more stressful than preparing for an actual exam. And today English was a first period for me. And speaking of Lea - she is my best friend and she understands my daily struggles with an anxiety, even though she doesn't have it herself. Lauren, remember to breathe.
In school I was feeling a normal amount of uneasiness. The bell rang and so did alarms in my head. Any other lesson is fine, but English teacher just knows how to make students panic. Breathe out, breathe in. Today our teacher seemed to be in a good mood and that's a good sign. Usually, we analyze literature, but today we were analyzing a 1998 movie, named 'Stepmom'. One thing led to the other and here I am, spending these past ten minutes in a school infirmary convinced, that my mom is dying with cancer. I wonder, how her meeting is going...
....... ........ .......... ........ .......
"Mister Tougo, now, when all of our formalities were taken care of, shall we relax and have a cup of tea?"Nadia asked happily. She couldn't believe it - everything worked out so smoothly.
"With pleasure, Miss Nadia."
"Oh please, just call me Nadia, I insist."
"Then I'm just Tougo for you - no more formalities for today."
" To be honest, I'm so happy that everything worked out. I should call Lauren and tell her the good news."
"Lauren?" Tougo asked curiously.
"She's my little girl. Lauren is already seventeen, but I still see her as that little bundle of joy. Kids grow up too fast," Nadia sighed, "I wish their growth would take a few centuries and not short years."
"That would be quite troublesome. First few decades would be all fun an games until they hit their puberty." Tougo chuckled knowingly, " Then the rebellious period would be a looong fight. I have six boys around the same age as your daughter and I can assure you that they are a lot of work to take care of."
"Oh my, Miss Sakamaki must be really happy woman to have a whole team of men on her side." Nadia laughed.
"She used to be, but now she's in heaven." Tougo lowered his eyes with a sad smile.
"I'm so sorry... What happened?" Nadia's face showed concern.
"An accident. The pain that my boys did end...ure changed them a little bit." Nadia's eyes were getting watery.
"That's... Terrible... Poor children."
"It's alright, it happened a long time ago, but sometimes, we can still feel her presence as if she's still with us. I knew, that even though her body was no longer with us, her heart was still here. She was a perfect lady with refined manners and to this day, every time I look at the white roses, I remember her smiling face and her beautiful voice saying 'I love you'." Tears were rolling down Nadia's cheeks.
"I'm sorry, Nadia, I didn't mean to upset you." (He did) "Now, enough about me. I can see what a great and loving woman you are. Your husband is a very lucky man." Lauren's mom scoffed.
"We are divorced. When Lauren was six months old, I found out that he had another family in Japan. Another woman, three kids. The bastard had two wives at the same time for crying out loud." By this point Nadia's sadness was gone and it was changed into anger.
"The moment he heard that I found out about this, the bastard ran away without even saying a word. He just left signed divorce papers on the kitchen table. I've never seen him or heard anything from him ever since."
"Males like that still exist? Polygamy is so disgraceful and disgusting." Loath was written all over his face.
"Does Lauren know about this?"
"No. I told her that he choked on a takoyaki and died when she was just a little baby."
"Fitting fake death for a man like him." Tougo was laughing. Nadia also giggled, but stopped. She was rubbing her head.
"Nadia, is everything alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking me. I think I'll excuse myself for a moment."
"Of course, please take your time," Tougo said while standing up.
"Thank you." Nadia was also trying to stand up, but she was feeling too nauseous and dizzy.
"Are you sure you're alright?"
"I don't know, I feel a little bit dizzy and..."
"Miss Nadia!" But she couldn't hear him any more. Her vision became blurry and black dots rapidly covered her eyesight. She fell unconscious. Tougo rushed to her side, checked her pulse and breathing.
"Call an ambulance!"
.......... ............ ............... ..........
"...yes, the new one will arrive with me, so be prepared this time."
"Mister Sakamaki?" He took a glance at the woman in the hospital bed and hanged up the phone.
"Nadia, how are you feeling? Is everything alright?"
"My head hurts. Where am I?" She seemed to be confused.
"You're in a hospital. You fainted during our meeting, remember?"
"I did?" I don't really remember..."
"That's okay, doctors did some test on you and right now we are waiting for the results."
"Why are you here, Mister Tougo?"
"I couldn't leave a lady alone in trouble, could I?"
She was about to answer when gloomy looking doctor walked in.
"Miss Curtis, I can see you're finally awake," He said while flipping through the papers.
"What's the diagnosis, doctor?" She asked impatiently.
"We did some tests on you. We still need some more tests, like stereotactic biopsy to confirm our prognosis ..."
"Which is?" Nadia was getting impatient.
"We think that you have grade VI glioblastoma."
"Grade VI? Is this cancer?"
"Unfortunately, yes. It's a brain tumor."
B-but I was feeling just fine until this day. This can't be right."
"This is the most aggressive type of cancer and unfortunately most cases are asymptomatic until it's too late to do anything."
"Wait, you mean..."
"Tumor is too deep inside to operate. It's also too big and chemotherapy would be useless. If our diagnosis is right, you have only three months to live. I'm sorry."
Nadia was lying there in shock.
"I'm so sorry about this." Tougo Sakamaki put his hand on her shoulder to comfort her.
"If there's anything I could do for you to help you out, just tell me."
"Did someone call my daughter?"
"Nurse is about to..."
"Please stop her. I don't want Lauren to know about this. Not now. I need to think of something. She only has me. What will happen to my poor girl once I'm gone? She's not ready for life alone. She's still not ready."
"Miss Nadia Curtis, I know that you are having the hardest time of your life right now, but I have another proposition for you to think about..."
.............. ............... ................
"Lea! I'm free, pass me the ball!" I shout out with one hand up.
"Lauren!" Ball is in the air. There's no time to think. Caught it! I don't waist any time, because my opponents are running towards me. I throw it towards the basket from a three pointer position. SCORE! Whistle announces the end of today's match. Our team won by the score: 74:75.
I do my little dance of victory.
"Wow, that was awesome!" My teammates rushed to my side.
"It's nothing, really," I said shyly rubbing my neck. I usually stay a little bit longer after practice to make my skills better and recently I've been practicing three pointers.
"What are you talking about? That was an amazing shot, right, coach?"
"Good job, Lauren." I want to change the subject.
"Lea, where will we study?"
"How about your place? Your mom is always out - we will be able to concentrate on our homework... For a little while that is." we both giggled.
...
On our way back to my apartment, we went to the shop for snacks. I was happy and little bit relaxed.
"And I was saying: 'If you don't like my cooking, theres some dog food in the corner.' And you know what he did? He just went there, sat down and started eating it! I never thought that my cooking was so bad that even my dog wouldn't eat it." Lea sighed and I was laughing so hard that my belly hurt.
"Oh look, your mom is back already, I wonder why?" Something in my head snaps. She's never back this early. Something is wrong. Something bad has happened. My heart starts beating faster. Lea probably noticed my mood change.
"Come, home is right here, we'll have hot chocolate and some cookies. Sounds good, right?"
"Yeah." I'm feeling light headed right now. It's good that Lea is with me.
I open the doors, hand is a little bit shaky.
"Mom, are you here?"
"Honey, I'm in the kitchen. Come here, I have some news for you." I walk into the room. She's sitting in her usual chair, sipping tea and eating cookies.
"So, how did your meeting go? Is everything alright? Did something happen?"
"Meeting went really smoothly and everything worked out."
"That's a relief," I feel like she's still hiding something from me.
"I have another thing to talk to you about."
"What is it?"
"You're moving out to Japan the day after tomorrow." The bag of snacks that I was holding fell on the ground. My head is dizzy, heart is beating like crazy, I'm shaking, cold and hot flashes hit my body like tsunami waves. My throat tightens and my breathing quickens.
"W-what?"