Unexpected by @eccentricwriterfreak
Hello my name is Jessica, and this is the day I review "Unexpected". I am fifteen. I am female. I have hair and a nose. My mom is a lovely lady. I ate a pop tart for breakfast this morning. I enjoy nifflers, demiguises, and nundus. I have an obsession with Fantastic Beasts and Where They are Located.
That was my version of the oh-so-cliche opener to your story. Now--I mean this in the nicest way possible--after reading that, I wanted to throw my phone across the room and cry. That is the second worst way to open a story. The first worst way is leaving the description blank, but I don't even want to talk about that. Ever.
After reading the first chapter, I was disappointed in your description. The story is so bloody good! Jade is freaking awesome! Her sass man! Her freaking sass! THE SASS!!
I'm going to be brutally honest; if I had randomly stumbled upon your story and read the description, I wouldn't have read it at all. And that's really a shame, because after the opener, your entire story is great. I feel like there are a dozen better ways to open your story that don't start with "hello" or "my name is".
Alright, let's focus in on the pros now, k? Great!
Pros:
JADE IS A PIECE OF ART. SHE IS A SASSY BADARSE WHO AINT GOT TIME FOR DAT. I MIGHT BE BIASED BECAUSE I LOVE THE NAME JADE, BUT WHO EVEN CARES!? SHE IS AMAZING. YASS JADE. YASS.
And can we talk about her sassing Snape around chapter 2-ish? Total bad*ss!
And then Dumbledore. He's just this mystical potato and it's great. I love your portrayal of Dumbledore.
God, and Tommy. Comedy gold! C o m e d y. G o l d.
I had a slight disagreement with you about Jade's house tho. You sorted her into Slytherin, but she acts like a total Gryffindor. She's got that "eff you I'll fight them all," attitude that all the Gryffindors have, and she's literally braver than brave.
And when Blaise says something to her like, "Don't fight him. We're Slytherins so we have to plan things out," it kinda... I don't know, ticked me off a little. Because I'm a Slytherin and I find that I can be very impulsive. Not all Slytherins take the time to plan their revenge. Just saying.
But with Jade, I feel like her impulses are very brave and daring. Her decisions are totally Gryffindor. I even see some Ravenclaw in her like Hermione, but I guess Slytherin's cool too... it is your story; you do have the final say and all.
(Ignore me lol. My opinion doesn't matter.)
And one more lil critique. I feel like your story is sorta plotless. I get that she sorta Wizard of Oz-ed into Hogwarts, but after that it's just kinda... blank. Don't get me wrong; she's funny as hell and I enjoyed reading your story, but I feel like the plot is missing. You're just describing her day to day life and adding in tiny little conflicts here and there.
Where's the big plot? Where's the *hem* writer's climax?
(Oh Merlin that was bad)
But keep up the great work with your character building because your characters are very strong! You've done amazingly with Jade and Dumbledore and Blaise and I can't wait to see how sassy she is in the next chapter.