HP Fanfiction Help (closed for catch up)

Stardust {George Weasley}

Stardust by @RhiannonMills0

Okay, your description at the beginning of the story could use a few touch ups. After all, the description is what people read to get into the story. You start it by talking about Luna having a sister when the story isn't about Luna. It's about Aria, so you should start off with saying that Aria is Luna's twin. Make Aria the subject of the sentence; not Luna. And, does her Hogwarts house really matter? I feel like that's useless information for a description.

And about being friends with Harry, Ron, and Hermione... that's probably useful information, but I think it should be worded differently. It sounds like she thinks the adventures are horrible things. Maybe say something like, "She was friends with Harry, Ron, and Hermione, and that lead to many marvelous and impromptu adventures," or something like that. Don't make it seem like she's reluctant to join them on their adventures. Unless she is.

Okay, speaking of Harry Potter & Co., how exactly did they all become such good friends? How did Aria Lovegood become such good friends with them? I think that should be explained in more detail. It's rather important because in a lot of fanfics, authors add in useless additions to HP & Co., so I'm only trying to help by saying that there needs to be a reason they're all friends. She can't just pop up; it makes no sense.

Speaking of life at Hogwarts, it seems old Sorty isn't working correctly here. You said the hat let her choose witch House she could be in because she exhibited traits of all of the Houses. This isn't Divergent; you can't choose your House. One choice doesn't mean crap in Hogwarts because...

You don't get a choice! Sure, you can give the hat some input (if you really don't want to be a Slytherin just let him know, and sure, he'll take your feelings into account), but that doesn't mean he lets you choose. Ultimately, the hat has the final say, no matter what you want. If he wants you in Slytherin, you're in Slytherin! This is not a democracy.

And, I hate to be rude but (this must be said), if she can't be Sorted, and she has all of the traits of every house, she's not real. There is only one chivalrous, brave, daring, kind, generous, fair-playing, witty, smart, creative, ambitious, cunning, resourceful human being, and her name is Mary Sue.

I'm not trying to be mean or bash your work or anything. People can exhibit traits from all four Houses, but one House will be most prominent. There is no way the hat will not know where to Sort a student. There. Is. No. Way.

Okay, what I like throughout your story is how descriptive you are. I really get a sense of the scene and the characters, but there is a such thing as being too descriptive. Don't describe every, little detail about Aria's hair and face and body. Don't describe every inch of her house and every stitch in her blanket. Let us readers make our own images of these characters and places in our heads.

That's the beauty of a story: everyone has a different picture of the characters.

We know how they look and sound, but not every person will have the same images of a character. That's what's so great about Harry Potter. You've seen the fan art; it's all different artists' interpretations of what HP & Co. looks like. Some characters have light skin to you but dark skin to someone else. The shade of Draco's hair might be blonder to me than it is to you.

Okay, I totally veered off topic, but that needed to be said. (I should really get myself a rant book...)

Anyway, your story is the beginnings of something really good, now you've got to build on it! Happy writing, and I hope this helped! :)

-Jtsquared4