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Crystal Clear

TheUltiBookGoddess

This story is about a girl named Crystal. It is a George Weasley pairing. Thus far, it was a very nice read because most of the grammar was good and the concept was as well. I like the fact that Crystal's family used to support Voldemort. It was different and unique in a good way. There are some things that could be polished up.

I find the fact that Valentina, Crystal's younger sister, ended up without a house extremely unrealistic. She could've been made a hatstall, but the Sorting Hat would never shout out a combination of all of the houses. The Hat would wait until it has decided which house she would be better in before saying anything. It is basically impossible for her not to be properly sorted.If you wanted to put her in Slytherin, it doesn't have to be that McGonagall decided for her to be there after not being sorted into any house. Perhaps she and the Sorting Hat were arguing about whether or not she should be in Slytherin. Slytherin is not only about being evil and cunning, but being ambitious. Maybe the ambitious part of Valentina overruled everything else about her. She would eventually give in to the Hat, unable to decide any house she'd prefer.

Next, keep in character when it comes to the characters that were already part of the Harry Potter series. As I was reading, I found Draco Malfoy a bit too kind to Crystal. He isn't that kind even to people in his own house who are pure-blooded. Draco still should be as mean and rude as he always was. If you'd like for Crystal and Draco to be friends, perhaps Crystal could find Draco's rudeness amusing, or she could be just as rude herself. Or maybe they could be frenemies... Just a suggestion.

Also, if Draco saw her with a Muggle camera, he would probably sneer at it. But since she's older than he is, maybe she'd intimidate him more. I just do not see him introducing himself to her so nicely, even if it was because he liked her sister.

There were insinuations that Draco and Valentina would actually be together, but I would suggest not to insinuate things like that for two reasons. First of all, they just met not long ago and they've probably only ever had a few conversations. Second, they're much too young since they're only in first year. If you'd like them to end up together, make it happen later on in the story, once they're older.

When they're learning about Boggarts in class and Crystal's fear is all of the people she loves dying, she calls her fear childish. I find it strange for her to be worried about being judged by everyone else for being scared of their deaths. When she runs out of class crying, it could be out of fear for the people she loves, rather than because she's scared of being judged.

Crystal's best friend is Harley, and in one chapter, out of nowhere, she suddenly decides she's in love with him. That was something that should be modified. If she's going to have feelings for her best friend, she should gradually start to realize it throughout the story instead of it hitting her at one point when no one saw it coming. Since the story's written in the first person, maybe it could describe her feelings around Harley and how they start to change. She could get more nervous around him sometimes until she realizes she likes him. Loving him, however, seems unrealistic because she's still young. She's only in her third year, give it some time. (Clearly, she probably won't end up with him anyway because it's a George Weasley story.)

Be sure to change paragraphs when someone knew starts speaking. A couple of times, the paragraphs weren't separated and it got confusing. There were also a few typos in the names: 'Harley' and 'Harely', for example. Pick one spelling of the name rather than spelling it two ways. The rest of the grammar was relatively good, just watch out for sentences that are questions; put question marks at the end of them.

In my own personal opinion, the fact that Crystal's friends call her 'Chris' got a little confusing for me... I would suggest 'Crys' instead, but that's up to you.

I think this story has a lot of potential, just try to make the earlier chapters more realistic. I hope this review was helpful!

-queenb816