HP Fanfiction Help (closed for catch up)

From Slytherin to Gryffindor, Adventure Awaits!

From Slytherin to Gryffindor Adventure Awaits! by @ilovecandyyy23

When I read your fanfic, I was pleasantly surprised at how good it was. I don't know what I was expecting, but your story exceeded all of my expectations when it came to plot and character development. Your overall plot and general storyline is very impressive!

While your plot is good, if I had came across this story in my recommendations, I would've clicked away after the first chapter--not because the story is bad, but because of all of the grammatical errors you made. They really took away from the story, and it made it not only harder to read, but less appealing. I did find myself skipping through some hard-to-read passages within your story.

The first grammatical error I'd like to point out is tense change. You go back and fourth between present and past tense, so when you revise, be sure to change everything to past tense because that is what most of your story is written in.

The second grammar thing is your sentences. They aren't sentences; you sometimes forget to put in a verb or a noun, sometimes causing your sentences to only be a prepositional phrase or a dependent clause. No matter what the case, those need to be corrected and made into full sentences, verbs and all.

Third, you have a lot of run-on sentences. When you combine two or more sentences together, be sure to add in a comma then a conjunction (and, but, or, yet, etc...). It is very cluttered to read a sentence with no connecter word it makes it feel like you're rushing through the sentence you should probably fix those.

Another thing I've noticed is that your dialogue doesn't have the proper punctuation. When writing dialogue, be sure that you have either a comma or a period or something inside the quotes. Here is an example:

"Hi," Jessica said. "This is how to properly write dialogue!"

Notice that there is a comma within the first set of quotes. When you want to say "said character," you must put a comma or exclamation point or question mark inside the quote that comes before it. You also need to have a form of punctuation at the end of the entire quote too. Make sure that all of your punctuation is inside the quotes.

I have also noticed that you aren't putting commas in the correct places. There are a lot of comma rules that I don't want to get into cause I'll be here for hours, but just try reading a sentence out loud, and anywhere you pause, add in a comma. It will really help the flow of information and make it easier for readers to understand.

In some of your beginning chapters, you forget to capitalize some names and places. I noticed you leaving Victor lowercase and sometimes even bigger things like Diagon Alley. Just make sure that all names of people, places, and pets are beginning with a capital letter. This rule also applies to the word "I".

When you write a time cut or time skip (I don't care what you call it), make sure that you tell readers that it is a time cut. It is weird reading a story set in the morning, and then suddenly she's getting ready for bed without any explanation. To show a time cut, you can do a number of things. Three simple asterisks (***) is the generic way to show a time cut. Some writers choose to make their time cuts all artsy but putting in things like this: \/\/\/, -:-:-:-, ↜↝, and basically anything except words. Any symbol would do; just please add something in.

I have also came across little notes you've left to yourself for what seems like future editing. So, when you do edit, make sure to find those notes, and do what they're telling you. It's a little strange to be reading and then see this: (add in more detail). It's great that you're leaving yourself notes, but be sure not to leave them there.

Now that I have covered all of the big grammatical errors, I'll go into something I really enjoyed about your story, which was the entire plot. Your plot is wonderful; all of the danger you added in like the Harpie and the conflict with Draco Malfoy really makes your story cool. I'm also happy that you didn't have any of your characters falling in love. Thank you for staying true to their ages :)

Something else I really liked is your knowledge of wandlore. I like how you gave your character a conflict with her wand--that's something that I don't usually see in fanfics. I really love wizard-wand connections, and I was really happy about that aspect of your story.

Your characters are all enjoyable to read about, and I think you have captured the Golden Trio beautifully. When I was reading, I was completely immersed into your story. You have a way with words that is really beautiful, even if it isn't formatted correctly.

Your descriptions are vivid, and I was always able to see exactly what you were describing. You set the tone really well in your first chapter. I knew from the start that you were a good writer, and that stayed true all the way to the end. However, I'm not sure you ended the story as strongly as you started. I would suggest going back and making the ending seem more like an ending.

To recap, you have a beautiful style of writing, wonderful descriptions, and great character development, but you need to work on correcting some of those grammatical mistakes. I hope this review was able to help you a bit!

Keep up the great writing :)

-Jtsquared4