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Melancholy {Twin Fanfic}

Melancholy by shadowsculpture

Okay, just as the title says, this story is indeed very melancholic. In this sense, that isn't such a bad thing, but sadly your characters don't fair too well... But that's the point, right!? Yeah! Moving on...

Your description does not make me want to read this. Sorry, but it's true. You shouldn't start it with NOT YOUR AVERAGE TWIN FIC! That makes you seem desperate for reads, and (even if you are or not) if you seem desperate, people are less likely to read it. I suggest revising that, and if you need some help, just leave a comment, and I'll gladly lend a hand!

I'm only going to ask because it's weird to me, but... why in Merlin's name is his nickname "Siri"? Like, I get that his name is Sirius--I do--but I cannot read that nickname without thinking of a Marauders scenario where Hogwarts students have working iPhones, and Peter keeps yelling "Hey, Siri!" when he calls to Sirius because he thinks it's funny when everyone's phones go off... Yes, I know they didn't have phones, but just... just imagine Professor McGonagall's reaction to all of this though. She'd be super annoyed... but then Dumbledore would find it highly amusing. I'd like to think his phone would be one of the ones that go off when this happens...

OKAY I NEED TO STOP; THIS IS A REVIEW NOT A HEADCANNON.

Anyway, calling him Siri is totally fine, but I just can't take it siriusly at all. Heh, heh... HEY SIRI!

Sirius is like this smarter version of Harry, and I literally die every time Harry is doing something stupid, and he's got another plan. I really hope that continues because it brings me so much joy. I literally can't even. And I love how much he acts like Sirius. It is highly amusing, and his responses to the things Harry does is great 10/10 100% yes go Sirius.

Okay, but let's talk about Harry here. I know that this boy acted like an angsty teen from page one, but I don't know if I like the way you have portrayed him here. I understand that his life with a brother would be so different, but I don't see Harry as the paranoid twin. I don't think he would be looking out for Sirius as much as you have him do. Yes, he would care about his brother, but I don't think that he would be upset about the Sorting like he was. Why would you glare at someone for not getting sorted into Gryffindor? How r00d.

And I really like that you show Sirius having a suspicion of magic and questioning his own abilities to do magic. It's great because you don't really see these types of doubting characters in fanfics a lot, and you have done a great job of showing that trait in Sirius.

I will point of that your paragraphs are literally sentences.

You space everything out like this.

And it seems that you're trying to emphasize every line, and that isn't necessary.

So if you could maybe look over that and combine some paragraphs together, I think your writing would flow nicer.

Okay back to the plot--WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS?? WHO IS ARO?? WHAT IS WITH JANE?? WHY IS SHE BEING SO SECRETIVE?? I WANT TO KNOW THESE ANSWERS NOW PLEASE.

Okay, but I honestly think that you should give some more depth to Jane. Right now I feel like she is a bit of a flat character, so you should give her some more interesting qualities that will help mold her into a wonderful three-dimensional character.

Overall, your story is really good! It is very enjoyable to read, so keep up the great writing!! :)

I'm going to end this review with a thank you. Thank you for not giving the twin the scar.

-jtsquared4