HP Fanfiction Help (closed for catch up)

Always {Snily}

Always by @witchesdistrict

Okay, the idea is good, but the way you have written it make almost no sense at all. Things seem to just happen for no rhyme or reason, and it is very confusing to read.

I'm going to start by talking about the format of your story. The paragraphs aren't spaced out correctly when you write your dialogue. Be sure to make each new speaker a completely detached paragraph so that it avoids confusion and helps the flow of things.

Also, this is a little thing, but McGonagall has one n and two l's. It's a common mistake that even I have made in my own writing.

Okay, and how old are your characters anyway? Like, I recall you saying that they were in their fifth year at some point, but then all of the sudden Snape's a Death Eater and they're old enough to apperate. So?? How old are they?

And I just don't understand why they were sent to court. I get made fun of all the time, but do you see me filing a complaint to the ministry of magic? The truth is, they didn't even insult the girl, and they were sent to court?? What??

And why was there a Triwizard Tournament? If you wanted your characters to go to a ball, just throw a Christmas Ball or something. There was absolutely no need for you to bring the TW tournament into the situation. It just added in more confusion to the overall story.

And did these characters ever go to class? I don't ever recall them studying for a Charms assessment or going to the library to research herbology. Hogwarts is a school, and everything isn't just fun and boy drama.

And not to be rude or anything, but I feel like you got the essence of the characters all wrong. Lily Evans wasn't the type of girl to run around pining after Severus Snape and randomly yelling at James Potter. She had her reasons to hate him. He bullied Snape, and you didn't really show any of that in your story.

Also, Sorting Severus into Gryffindor was something different, but I don't think his reactions were quite right. This boy wanted to be in Slytherin, so don't you think he'd be a little crushed? He'd probably be such a downer that nobody talked to him.

Honestly, none of your characters really have any character. That are all just so flat and (I hate to say this) boring. They have zero personality, and nothing that happened even remotely matched up the the films or books. I understand that this is fanfiction, but it was so far fetched that I was lost the entire time.

There is a such thing as too much of a good thing. Your story started off okay, but ended not so well. You added in way too many things (Triwizard, Death Eaters trying to kill everyone, extra characters, unneeded drama) that the story felt too cluttered. I realize that you are editing it now, and I really hope you take some of these things in mind as you do.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I assure you my intentions are only to help you. Keep up the good writing and if you need any further help, let me know and I'll be glad to lend a hand. :)

-Jtsquared4