HP Fanfiction Help (closed for catch up)

United

United by @thewonderfullibrary

I love the premise of the four friends. It's cute and enjoyable. And I just love friends! Darn, I wish I had some lol,

But...

You have a lot of characters.

A. Lot. Of. Characters.

There is nothing wrong with that at all, but like I've said to previous authors, if you are going to have all of those characters, you need to make the readers remember them. If us readers don't remember who they are, we're gonna be hella confused.

And it's even worse when you don't remember a character or their Hogwarts house. You can't just mention their houses once. You've created these four beautiful friends and after chapter one I forgot which girl was in which house! You should try to mention their houses a lot. In chapter two, you should restate their houses, maybe even more than once.

You need to say it until we remember it. Even if it sounds repetitive, trust me, it'll help your readers out a lot. I'm not saying keep repeating, "she is a Ravenclaw. She is a Ravenclaw. She is a Ravenclaw." Please don't do that.

But you can subtly remind the readers. Even I do this in my stories. My character Aquila has green hair and is in Slytherin, so I constantly repeat, "The green-haired Slytherin... she walked to the Slytherin common room, and her green hair swung back and forth..." It may seem repetitive, but I think it's kinda helpful.

And when you introduce a new character, you want to make us remember them. You can't just toss another kid in and not describe him. And if you're going to have one character call another character by last names, you should at least keep reminding us what his first name is to avoid confusion when someone says his first name.

In short, describe, redescribe, repeat.

Some of your paragraphs are very long. When I see very long paragraphs, I scroll to the end and inference what happened. I'm not going to read a very long paragraph. I'm just not.

#sorrynotsorry

I get it; you've got a lot of information, but it would be best to split it up a bit.

And you're eight chapters in and what is happening? It's very entertaining to read, but I feel like there are no conflicts anymore. There was no conflict in deciding what dance theme and there's no conflict with the Hogwarts houses. Your whole story is based around these four girls, but they're all in different houses. And there's no conflict!?!

Shouldn't Rae be thinking about them? Wishing they were with her at night in her dorm? What about the other girls? What are they thinking?

Overall, it is an enjoyable story. Your spelling and grammar are really good. The formatting is consistent, and that's great. There is a lot more good than bad, trust me.

Keep up the excellent writing!

-Jtsquared4