"The show went so well!" Hannah squealed behind me as I slid my key in my door. Her room was across from mine. I bought out the entire floor for my crew. We like to do hoodrat shit at night so we need the entire floor.
"I know!" The only reason I get a little worked up before a show is because i'm worried if i'll hit my notes. Not just any note. My whistle tones. Singing Emotions and Can't Let Go, 3 times a day on 5 different shows can really get to you. Prince usually make me drink tea with lots and lots of honey in it like he does. Sometimes we'll sleep with humidifiers in the room or if we can get them. We'll sing in the studio with them. We care for our voices deeply and right now it was time for me to rest my voice, write in my journal, and listen to this tape Prince sent me.
"I'm so proud of you Jasmyn....look at you." Her voice started to crack. I really hope she doesn't cry because i'll cry. "You've developed and changed a lot over the years. You've developed in your creative stature and your creative confidence. Your just....growing up so fast. I remember when you were 13 doing your first music video."
A few tears threatened to spill from my eye. "Pink Champagne..."
"You were crying after the last shot, you didn't even wanna leave the set."
I smiled at that memory. She was right, I didn't wanna leave. I still remember all the little outfits and set ups I had. My bedazzled pink bat that had my name on it. My donut buns headband, which I still occasionally wear around the house. I actually have an entire room in my house that has all my old clothes from when I was 13. All my music video outfits, every single photo shoot outfits, tour clothes. Every single accessory, prop, you name it. I still have it! I just love having those memories with me. I remember when I was little my mom used to take pictures of us all the time. She keep suitcases full of pictures of us and the family, tour staff, concerts. Everything.
Prince was right, sometimes a memory isn't enough. You need a souvenir. That's probably why he records everything. He's constantly taking pictures.
"Well i'm off.." I exhaled. "Good night girl."
"Night jazzy." She waved and walked into her room.
I closed the door behind me and looked around my suite. Serenity. No reporters, no paparazzi. Just me and my thoughts. I walked over to my suitcase and pulled out the little box Prince sent me. He had it delivered to my set today along a bouquet of lavender roses and a cute little note, that was on my mind all day. I even hit a Bb7 tonight because of it. The highest note i've ever hit in my career.
somewhere between all our laughs, long talks, stupid fights, and all our lame jokes. eye fell in love ~ Prince
I pressed the note to my chest. He's such a sweetheart. My sweet baby boy. I grabbed a bottle of apple juice out the mini fridge and took a sip before setting it on the nightstand. I pulled my dress over my head, and made my way to the bathroom to run myself a nice hot bubble bath.
While the scent of the rose oil filled the bathroom, I took in the the beautiful Spanish moonlight. I would love to live here, or maybe just have a house. I would love to get married here one day or maybe honeymoon here. Marabella is such a beautiful city with a beautiful culture.
I stopped the water and stepped out my panties and bra. Then I ran to pop the tape in. A slow distorted beat started.
La da da da da da da da
La da da da da da da da
I grabbed my juice, my notebook and ran back into the bathroom, nearly killing myself on the rug in the process, and slipped into the hot bath.
There comes a time, in every man's life
When he get's tired of foolin' around
Juggling hearts in a three ring circus
Someday will drive a body down to the ground
I never imagined that love would rain on me
And make me want to settle down
Baby it's true, I think I do
And I just wanna tell you that I wanna with you
"Awe!" I cooed, poking my bottom lip out. I took a sip of my juice and place it on my bath tray. I picked up my notebook and clicked open my pen.
Forever, forever, baby I want you forever
I wanna keep you for the rest of my life
All that is wrong in my world
You can make right
You are my saviour, You are my light
Forever I want you in my life
La da da da da da da da
"La da da da da da" I sang along, nodding my head side to side.
I couldn't help but wonder why he was being like this in his music. Prince's music is like his diary. It's how he says what he's feeling. Did I do them impossible? Did I tie down a player? Am I holding on to the guy that you so called can't hold on to?
There comes a road in every man's journey
A road that he's afraid to walk on his own
I'm here 2 tell U that I'm at that road
And I'd rather walk it with you than walk it alone
You are my hero, You are my future
When I am with you, I have no past
Oh baby my one and only desire
Is to find some way in this doggone world
To make this feelin' last
Oh baby it's true, I know I do
And I just wanna tell U that I
want to with you, yeah
And baby if you do to
Am I actually happy? Am I in love? I thought I was in love last time. I wanna be really sure time. I just really want this to work. I put actual blood, sweat an tears into this man.
"La da da da da da da da.....La da da da da da" I sang along as the song faded out with Prince's acoustic guitar playing.
I see God in his eyes. He is by far the biggest blessing in my life and forever will be. Forever in my life. It's crazy because I don't even know when he became so important to me. It's like watching a snowstorm and you see the little flakes falling but you never realize how much its adding up. Next thing you know the entire city is covered. Your heart is full and your sitting in a bathtub yearning for someone and their doing the same for you. It's a great feeling.
I closed my notebook, tucked the pen into the spine, and tossed it up on the counter. I slid into a pair of fresh panties and a bra. I took my time as I slid on Prince's pink silk pajama shirt.
I took a deep inhale of the sleeves. It smelled just like him.
I hopped on the bed and started flipping through the channel. I landed on Batman's animated series. I loved the comic books. I'm a big fan of the Joker. I don't really like Batman, which it weird when I say to most people but I have a theory.
The adjective nearly everyone will say when you ask them to describe the Joker is crazy. Of course he's crazy: he dresses like a clown, he's obsessed with Batman, he spends most of his time locked up in Arkham Asylum which is a prison for the criminally insane. In every way, the guy is deranged!
Or is he?
Labeling Joker as crazy is just too easy. It's dismissive of the darker undertones that sanity implies. If he were crazy, he wouldn't be responsible for his actions, they would be a by-product of his mental illness. He didn't really mean to kill all those people, he was bewitched by his defective brain!
Sanity is a more sinister angle for Joker. It would mean that he is 100% aware of his actions and that he dresses, talks, acts and thinks the way he does by choice. He prefers to behave this way contrary to the way the rest of us are. He chooses to disregard life as valuable. He wants to be viewed as crazy, finding freedom in that image. He wants to be the villain and loves it. He is a man with nothing to lose and nothing to fear. Because we as "normal" people can't possibly relate to such extreme behavior, we label it as craziness, mistaking it for what it really is: pure evil.
How dark would such an individual be, a man so far gone as this? How endless is that abyss? Nobody could relate to this extreme mindset. Joker wants us to dismiss him as crazy as because in a way, crazy is predictable. Which gives him the advantage to do the unexpected. Joker has gone beyond crazy. He's become something else, something quite unique.
The Joker is an individual who overcomes that basic human fear and dread, and is able to define his own values, meaning, and purpose. He decides the course of his own life, in no way influenced by anything outside of himself.
Batman, of course, has this power as well, but while he sometimes struggles with this, the Joker has dived right in. He has embraced his will to power in the world and tried to assert power and change in the world around him.
The Joker puts Batman through challenges that force him to question what he believes in, to teeter on breaking the "one rule" that he clings to. His no kill rule and that is one reason people repeatedly read the comics so much. We are held in suspense over what decision Bruce Wayne will make: kill and abandon the rules that hold his soul together...or not?
However, The Joker is a really misunderstood character. He's actually not the opposite of Batman. Their moral code is obviously different but in a way Batman is the closet thing to Joker in Joker's world. Obviously a psychology based reader, such as myself is going to search for classic psychological tags for characters.
Let's go to a dangerous place. Let's go inside Joker's head for a bit. First we have to go back to the road that eventually lead to existentialism, a philosophical theory or approach that emphasizes the existence of the individual person as a free and responsible agent determining their own development through acts of the will.
To the Joker pointing out ideologically hypocrisies through manipulation is an unending game.
Just how does a person or society get its values anyway? Objective thought or truths are indifferent, yes they may be true but they have no essential relationship to existence. They're more along the lines of discoverable.
2 + 3 = 5 but so what.
George Washington was the first U.S president.
There are recognized standards that can be used to determine the truth of those assertions. But so what? Subjective thought, however has no criteria for truth. And yet this is precisely where we derive our values. If I tell you for example that it is immoral to cause unnecessary harm to others and if you challenge my assertion, ultimately there are no objective standards for me to appeal to and I cannot prove my claim.
There is no objective criteria of truth to justify my assertion. None the less "subjective truths" are essential to my existence in the way that objective truths are indifferent. That's because we pretty much ARE what we do and we do -the actions we perform- are the results of decisions which are the embodiment of values chosen.
Yet those value are not grounded in certainty but in acceptance.
These values if you step back and look at history with a broad view flip and change around so much and often what is vital to one era is totally absurd to the next. Joker grasps the absurdity and unpredictability of existence. An individual who has looked profoundly on the world of men and seen that at the deepest level we are alone in "absolute isolation" an aloneness that constitutes a kind of madness or divine insanity. To him values of the social norm is a joke. A temporary agreement largely kept together by true absurdness. They're barely floating above acting like chimpanzees and they'd fall apart and kill one another given enough fear. You're life is a joke. Joker is not irrational, he's psychotic and there is a difference.
Batman who also lives well outside the social norms except he fights for justice, is the closest to getting the joke. Joker is fascinated with him. A grown man dressed as an armored bat. Now that fits perfectly into Joker's head. Almost.
He's another man above the social mores and conformity. Another man with his own value set, from his own subjective truth and not part of just conditioning. Batman is not apart of the plan. Joker tends to pattern smash and destroy all things common and makes it a point to treat people like they're part of a game. If he can change their social values then he wins. He can show how quick "moral" people will change given the right circumstances. It's not about money, it's not about fame, it's not about revenge, it's about controlling human will. That is his game.
Sometimes he'll shoot you, sometimes he'll give you a flower. Sometimes the flower has acid, sometimes it's full of money. His unpredictable behavior is what makes him seem crazy. He intentionally breaks the patterns or roles of human behavior even for criminals. His subjective truth is that because there are so many simultaneous subjective truths, then there really isn't any and thus it's all a joke. Batman gave him a direction, a meaning. He is battling him philosophically which is what makes the comic so interesting. If it was just a guy driving a school bus blowing up buildings he wouldn't be so famous.
The Joker is that useless card in the deck. the one that doesn't make any sense the one that doesn't fit with the rest of the pack which is restricted by rules no matter what game you're playing 2-10 Jack, Queen, King, Ace; all have relationships to one another. The Joker, he's the most free of them all and unpredictable.
Both he and Batman construct themselves as agents of change for society and use fear, one for confidence,hope, justice and personal betterment, and one for confusion, primal honesty, and violent self indulgency. Joker manipulates anyone the same way Batman manipulates his foes through fear and cunning, but for different purposes.
Batman is hyperrational, and has strong values, but way outside of social norms, He's a vigilante. But for him, just because you can move outside norms doesn't make them all meaningless for everyone else. You, yourself is enough authority to bestow meaning and there doesn't have to be an ultimate meaning or some facts in nature to appeal to for confirmation. His thing is, you are what you do. And what you do may be derived from values and that from subjective truths, but the will for him is to avenge his parents, even if it is not objective, the emotional reasoning is reason enough, not to be considered "true" but to cause him to act and then it doesn't matter because it's the actions themselves that make you what you are and not the beliefs that lead to them.
"It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that matters" -Batman
You don't think your existence, you live it, the thoughts are a descriptive reflection. Lots of people believe things but do not act on them. If you really believe, then you will have the discipline and self regulation to become the embodiment of those values. And that is what Batman is.
Joker is the opposite of Batman, when you consider their philosophy, in that he starts with the subjectivity and works the way up to actions and Batman starts with actions and works his way down to values. For him the actions of one, be they from personal values or whatever, will ironically instill those values in others just by observing the actions. It's a kind of leadership through doing rather than explaining. That the values don't arrive from contemplation but from experience and there is no other way to get at them, not language, not teaching or deductive reasoning, only through living. So by making himself the example, because of his experience he is working it all backwards making actions lead to his values in others. They're both "crazy" contrasted with "normal" people.
I whipped out my notebook and flipped to the very back page to write.
arbitrary beliefs or collectively values > decisions > actions
actions > observation of those actions > altercation of decisions > new actions and new beliefs
So Joker needs to break Batman's will. Joker sees him as a fellow lunatic, but is incapable of understanding his attachment with people, especially people who despise him. Crime isn't rebellion however. It's more of a game. Joker is intellectually bored, just messing with cops and the mob. Batman is his only true challenge and the people of Gotham are like a live stage. Who will they turn on, him of the bat?
Both because that's what they do.
Anything outside the norm is simply hated and feared. That's Joker's lesson. And he loves to point out ideological hypocrisies through immoral manipulations.
Everything about the Joker is symbolic of his philosophy. He even dresses like a clown and yet he's not the entertainment, and isn't there to make you laugh. It's everyone else who is his entertainment. They are there to make him laugh, as he kills them and controls them. He has a permanent smile, not something usually associated with murdering people, usually that's anger. But for him it's just funny. He just enjoys knowing how predictable everyone else is. And he is there to smash it all up and create complete chaos. Something maybe more like the true nature of human beings. Only they don't realize it. T
They're wars are organized but they're no more absurd than civil wars really or street vs street violence.
For him a city wide madhouse like is paradise. Esepcially during times of civil unrest or after a severe natural disaster when people revert right back to their own real values. Everything is chaotic. He would be happy as a clam.
That is what makes him so evil and so frightening. He has no normal motives. He is way outside of norms and comfortableness. His randomness is what make him the most impossible to understand and that is what makes him the most feared. People fear what they don't know. Also he makes them face sides of themselves that they try to hide.
And he challenges us. Is the Joker happy? Is Batman happy?
Now he's not the entertainment and isn't there to make you laugh. It's everyone else who is his entertainment. But him being their entertainment is what is his entertainment. He's always on TV. And to prove how sick people are, he knows there are people secretly rooting for him. They give in to his demands and turn on those, like Batman, who try to save them because they are afraid of the Joker. And they admire the Joker. He even has a gang of "clowns" spawn up doing crime in his image. Pure anarchy! He kills the mob and the cops. To him, and in Gotham he is kind of right, there is no difference, the cops are just another gang in blue. Even criminals are afraid of the Joker. He is pure chaos. His intellect is admirerable, but his actions are atrocious. But the better the villain the better the hero. And it isn't powers that make villains better or stronger, it's the philosophical backdrop.
But I can't help but think that the Joker also has a little romantic attachment to Batman. Not at all sexual mind you, but combination of sadomasochism, compulsive behavior, routine, & single-minded obsession. Hatred is love, murder is sex, pain is pleasure, reality is fake, insanity is sane, & worst enemies are biggest fans. Batman gives him a purpose. Batman doesn't fit the pattern and yet he defends the pattern. If Joker really wanted him dead, he'd be dead.
He's quite interesting let me tell you and that's why he's my favorite.
I looked up and was met with the credits of the show. "I know I did NOT just think about the Joker for thirty damn minutes."
I could actually hear the fans screaming outside my window. I loved them so much but I really wanted to sleep. I figured I should show face atleast once.
I walked out onto the balcony and the wind almost swept the roar of the fans chanting my name slapped me in the face.
I waved and blew kisses to them. My babes. My lambs
"We are lambily." I sung in the key of We Are Family. "I got all my lambies with me." I met Sister Sledge. I sung it with them when I was 14. I had so much fun in that bright ass red outfit I wore. It was the first time I performed with people who were novice compared to me
I blew them one last kiss before I went back in the room. I closed the large curtains, trying to find a little peace again. I loved them dearly, but it's almost 2 in the morning.
I jumped back on the bed with a sighed and grabbed the phone off the nightstand. I was gonna call Prince, he usually talked me to bed every night.
He picked up on the last ring. "Hey baby..." his voice was really deep, he was probably sleepy. He doesn't sleep much which isn't healthy and I keep telling him that.
"Hey pooks, you must've been sleeping?"
"No actually I was down uhm...down in the studio, working on some jazz with Eric. I finally let him go home." I heard the shuffling on his closet in the bathroom.
I slid my legs under the sheets, relishing the warmness. Not as warm as my baby's arms back home but it's good enough. "How's the Camille album going?"
"See I don't really know where it's going. I'm thinking about incorporating some other songs I did earlier. Strange Relationship is going to be on there because you.." He paused to yawn. "You told me you really liked it."
A small smiled tugged at my lips, he's fighting his sleep like a toddler. "Baby your tired you need to go to sleep."
"I don't need to sleep." he mocked me.
"Prince, when do you sleep." I flipped through the channels, looking for a decent TV show to fall asleep on.
"Sleep is a wasted of time."
I took the phone off my ear and looked at it in disgust. How could he say that? "Boy are you crazy?"
"Tell me Jasmyn, what do you get done when your sleeping?"
"Nothing."
"Exactly."
I shook my head and decided to get over it, you can't argue with Prince on certain things. He just does them and he looks good while he's doing it. So you don't complain.
"I miss you in my bed, it's really lonely without you."
I frowned and looked to the side at the empty spot next to me. "I know!! I miss being in your arms all cuddled up."
"You miss being in my arms huh?"
"Yeah." I giggled.
"Well my arms miss you being there."
"I'm glad." I smiled. I landed on a Star Trek rerun.
"Star Trek's comin' on!" I bursted out in an odd amount of excitement. I based a music video off this. "I love Star Trek."
"Do you really?" he snickered as if he didn't believe me.
"Yeah, I'm a Trekkie!" I settled down on my side, propping my head up on my hand.
"Get outta here. I'm a Trekkie. Ain't Captain Kirk the coolest white man on the planet?"
I rolled my eyes at his comment. "He's adorable."
"You can always tell who's gonna get killed."
"Can you now?" I urged him on.
"Just look who's beamin' down. Say you see Kirk, McCoy, Spock, and Yeoman Johnson. Yeoman Johnson's gonna get killed? If I was Yeoman Johnson, I'd say "I'm not goin'. I know what's gonna happen".
I yawned and shuffled my feet under the covers a little to make myself more comfortable. "It's amazing how you've just broken down this whole Star Trek thing."
"I'm a Trekkie, that's why. I broke it down to the barest essence of the Trek. I'm a Trekkie. I know everything about Star Trek. What's Captain Kirk's first name?"\
My eyelids felt heavy. It's been a long day and I have another on ahead of me. I probably shouldn't have went out tonight. I closed my eyes and settle my head down onto the pillow. "Captain."
"No, it's not Captain. His name is James T. Kirk. What's Mr Spock's last name?"
I groaned a little in to the phone. I was literally fighting to keep myself awake at this point.
"You didn't even know that. Name is Spock Jenkins. One of the Jenkins boys from Vulcan."
I nodded off a little before shaking myself back awake. "What?"
"We'll talk about it later."
"M'kay."
I heard a deep chuckle on the phone line. "Goodnight baby.."
__________________________________
I pulled the lever and leaned my seat back on the plane. I was headed to Italy now. The entire plane was asleep expect me.
I flipped through the channels of the TV when I landed on Letterman, Eddie Murphy was on. His eyebrows were extremely nice tonight. He haircut is a little low for his long ass head but who am I to talk shit.
"Let's talk about your car. You like cars?"
Eddie bursted into his signature laugh, sounding like he's a heaving whale. Again, I can't talk shit my laugh is just as bad. "This is Negro file, these questions."
I nodded in agreement. These shady talk show hosts these days.
"Do you like cars? Is your-Do you have a big house? How many carots is that ring on your finger.?" I almost fell out my seat I was laughing to hard, his impression of Letterman was dead on.
I was just as breathless as Eddie was laughing on the show. Sometimes you have to laugh at racism, sometimes they think their so slick doing it with a smile on their face thinking we don't notice it just because they smile.
Eddie took a deep breathe, pulling himself together. "Yeah I like cars."
"Don't get smart with me pal." Letterman shook his finger at him in a stern yet joking manner. "Your only 25 alright?"
"Yeah I like cars."
"What kind do you have?" Letterman asked as he slid a wipe paper to the side.
"I like cars. I got a uhm." Eddie let out a few chuckles. Letterman's face was hysterical. He looked a little nervous being called out like that. He was holding on to that smile for dear life.
"No I really do like cars. Their my weakness I got a couple of them."
"That's not what you said-That just-T-That is unfair of you to suggest that."
Eddie raised his brow, as he was rubbing his palms together, in the most pimp like manner. "What?"
"To suggest that I asked you a Negro file question."
"It is!!"
"It is not!!"
"The last time I was here you asked me well.." he threw his hands up. "What do you do with all that money?" he mocked Letterman's voice again.
"What do you think? Those are the questions that we ask our black guest?"
He looked to the side and back to him. "Yes!!"
"I never saw like Joan Collins on-"
"Eddie's on! Let's get out the black questions!" he joked to the crowd.
I threw my head back and howled. I put my hand over my mouth trying to muffle my laughter at the rest of this interview. Eddie is really funny man. I can't get over it.
"So Eddie, how's the love life goin'?"
Eddie chuckled again. "What do you mean by that?"
"I mean you were seen with Jasmyn for a little bit."
I turned the TV up a little higher. I wanted to hear this.
"No man." He sighed looking at the ceiling. "She's not on the market anymore."
"She's currently in a relationship?"
He shrugged. "I don't wanna get in trouble with Prince now." he chuckled.
"Oh....my....God!" I whispered to myself. I lost my ability to hear all I could hear was my breathing.
I know this nigga did now just pull all my business out there. I am so burning his house down.