I ended up pacing the floor of my dorm room, my stomach twisted into knots.
Tomorrow was the day of the trial. Or today technically. But I couldn't sleep to save my life.
I couldn't stop my thoughts from constantly racing. And I felt nauseated at the very thought of the trial.
I braced my hands against the metal frame of my bed, letting my head dip low.
I couldn't call Parker. He'd been sleeping what was considered well for him, and I didn't want to be the one to break that streak.
I was almost certain I was going to puke though.
I pulled on a pair of sweats over my boxers and my converse, leaving my dorm and heading downstairs.
"And where are you going at 12:00 in the morning?" Dylan questioned, raising an eyebrow at me.
"Anywhere but here," I answered, signing myself out.
I put that I was going to Java Chip, even though I had no intention of actually going.
"Be careful," Dylan advised, and I nodded before leaving my dorm building, stepping out into the crisp night air.
I took in a deep breath, hoping it help clear my head and alleviate my nausea.
As I continued down the walk, I saw a familiar brunette sitting outside, her camera hanging around her neck as she sat criss-cross on the sidewalk.
McKenna glanced up at me as I took a seat next to her, the two of us sitting in silence.
"So what brings you out here on this fine night?" I asked, glancing over at her.
"Bad dream," she answered, quietly. "Just thought I could use some fresh air for a bit."
I reached out and wrapped my arm around her, and she buried her head into the crook of my neck, letting out a sigh of content.
"What about you?" she asked me, quietly.
"Couldn't sleep."
"Thinking about the trial?"
I just hummed in agreement.
The two of us sat there together as the night wore on, enjoying the calming presence of one another's company.
Eventually at some point we ended up lying side-by-side out in the courtyard, staring up at the sky.
"You have nothing to be afraid of," McKenna promised.
"Easy to say."
"Parker wouldn't let you do this if he thought you'd be in any danger doing so."
"Parker has to make sacrifices too," I pointed out. "He wouldn't want to put me at risk, but he also wants to win the case as well. He's put a lot into this to come this far and lose it all at the end."
We lapsed into silence, the weight of the world weighing down on my shoulders as the starry night sky stared back down at me.
I glanced over at McKenna, who was studying the sky with a pensive expression as well.
"I know we're not technically together," I stated, quietly.
She glanced over at me, a curious expression on her face.
"But do you think you could come to the trial tomorrow?"
She reached over and grasped my hand in hers, running her thumb over the back of my hand before bringing it up to her mouth, kissing the back of it, offering me a slight nod.
"No matter what Lee, I'll always care about you."
~*~
"I can't wear this," I said, ripping off my tie. "I'm sorry. I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't do it."
"Calm," McKenna said, her fingers lightly trailing up and down my back.
I ran my shaking hands through my hair, slowly nodding.
Parker came into the front office, giving me a onceover with his eyebrows furrowed.
"Where's your tie?" he questioned.
"I can't."
He signed me out, nodding towards McKenna. "You have to wear a tie Lee," he stated, as the three of us trooped outside.
"I'm suffocating in, it's too much."
I clambered into the passenger seat, my eyes travelling to the Starbucks coffee already sitting in the cup holder. "You went to Starbucks?"
"I got you one," Parker dismissed, as he pulled out of Jefferson Lake.
"I didn't ask if you got me one," I said, my eyes travelling to Parker's coffee.
"I'm trying to get through this thing Lee, same as you," Parker clipped, his voice strained.
I twisted the tie around my hands, taking in a slow breath and letting it back out.
Parker slid his phone back to McKenna. "Text Emily for me. I unlocked it already. Ask her to pick up a clip on tie on her way."
"I'm not wearing a clip on tie," I muttered. "I'm not a child."
"Well you're wearing a tie. And if that one is going to choke you, then maybe a clip on is our best bet."
"Emily wants to know if you're drinking coffee?" McKenna questioned.
"Don't answer that."
We pulled up to the courthouse, and I picked up my coffee, taking a long sip.
"Take your Xanax," Parker instructed.
"I thought you had the Xanax."
Parker stared at me for a few moments, unblinking. "You're fucking joking."
"No Parker, fuck."
Parker reached up and massaged his temples, falling back in his seat. "Jesus Christ."
We were going to need a lot of Jesus this morning, that's for sure.
And then Parker shot up, ripping open his center console and sifting through it until he pulled out a small pill box.
"Is that it?" I asked.
"Yes, thank God. It's from North Carolina."
There were two left inside.
I washed one down with my coffee before stepping outside of the car, following Parker inside next to McKenna.
Parker met up with Patricia and I dropped down onto a bench, McKenna taking a seat next to me.
"How're you holding up?" she asked me.
"I feel like I'm disintegrating inside," I answered, my voice quiet. "And I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to hold myself together."
She placed her hand on my kneecap, running her thumb across it.
After a few more minutes, Emily and Emmett joined us, Emily with a clip on tie in hand.
"Did you ruin your tie?" Emily asked Parker.
Parker jerked his thumb in my direction.
"What's wrong with your tie?" she asked me.
I just took the clip on from her, my voice feeling as though it was stuck in my throat.
Emily offered me a small, understanding smile.
I clipped the tie on, tugging my shirt collar away from my neck. But it was much more tolerable.
"You still look spiffy," Emily promised, reaching around and fixing my collar. "No worries."
"It's about time for us to go in," Patricia informed me. "How're you doing?"
I'm not sure if I was going to puke or break down into hysterics or collapse right here on the floor.
I just nodded in response.
"Let's go inside and grab a seat," Emmett said to Emily.
"Coming?" Emily asked McKenna.
"In a minute."
Emily took an extra moment with Parker before the two of them went inside the courtroom.
I rose up to my feet, my chest feeling as though it was going to collapse within itself.
"Ready?" Patricia asked us.
I reached up to fix my tie, my hands shaking.
Fuck, I can't do this.
I let my hands drop to my knees, taking in a deep breath.
"You okay?" Parker asked me, his arm encircling my shoulders.
I shrugged him off, nodding.
"I just need a minute," I managed to say, my voice sounding strained even to me.
"Fuck," Parker muttered.
"I'll stay with him," McKenna offered. "You guys go ahead in."
"Take as much time as you need," Parker informed me, before heading inside.
I straightened back up, unable to control my breathing.
Breathe in through the nose and out the mouth. In through the nose, out through the mouth.
But as hard as I tried, I couldn't subdue the hyperventilating.
McKenna took my hands in hers. "You can do this."
"I-I-I c-can't."
"You can," she promised. "Just think of it like the mock trial, okay? It's just you, your lawyer, and Parker. You guys can do this."
I took several more minutes to regain control over myself, my hands still shaking and my breathing still uneven. But I had to get in there.
"You got this," McKenna promised, with a comforting smile.
I stepped through the courtroom doors, Parker's head immediately snapping in my direction.
He offered me a small smile, and I made my way to the front to side between he and Patricia.
He slid me a glass of water. "Don't let yourself get overwhelmed," he whispered. "Keep your eyes on me. On McKenna. On whatever you need to. We can get through this, okay?"
I nodded, taking a few sips of the water.
The trial started shortly after with opening statements from both Patricia and Cornerstone's lawyer.
I found my eyes sliding over to see Cornerstone's lawyer team. They all looked menacing and intense, ready to take this case. Which I suppose they should be after all, they were defending their school and their integrity.
"I would like to call Parker Adams to the stand," Patricia stated.
I glanced over at Parker.
In the time that the lawyers had been battling, his skin had flushed much paler than when we'd walked in. He had an anxious aura around him, losing some of the confidence that he'd originally had.
But he flashed me a small smile before tipping back the rest of his water. He rose up, taking the stand.
Patricia's questions focused mainly on where he'd been pre-suicide attempt and then on the lack of communication between he and Cornerstone, both leading up to the attempt and then the day of. Parker stayed cool and collected, answering the questions with confidence.
And then Cornerstone had the opportunity to cross-examine.
Cornerstone focused mainly on Parker's relationship with me prior to the attempt. They focused on his shortcomings, where he hadn't necessarily excelled as a guardian. To the normal eye, Parker looked as though he was breezing through the questions. But I could tell that they were taking a toll on him, could see the shift in his jaw each time they asked him about another inadequacy or the slight flex in his upper arm.
Patricia called out objections whenever she could, trying to ease the load for Parker. But listening to Cornerstone's questions for Parker were brutal, and when they were eventually done it was hard to tell which side had come out on top.
Parker descended off the stand, coming back to the table.
"You okay?" I asked him, quietly.
"Yeah, fine," he agreed, with a slight nod.
He poured himself some water, contemplating in silence as Cornerstone had the opportunity to call up a witness.
"We would like to call Polly Brewster to the stand."
My eyes widened as I saw my ex-girlfriend take the stand, her hands twisting in her lap as she briefly made eye contact with me.
Her strawberry blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail, her brown eyes staring directly into mine with hesitation. Her pale complexion was covered with a layer of makeup, done up for the trail today.
Cornerstone questioned her on our relationship prior to the attempt. They had her point out my emotional state throughout our relationship, including the mental breakdown I'd had.
I glanced over my shoulder to see McKenna staring at Polly with a stoic expression, and I couldn't help but wonder what she was currently thinking.
And then Patricia had the chance to cross-examine. Patricia pointed out the weaknesses in our relationship, showcasing how very little Polly actually knew about me. Patricia had Polly admit to never coming to check on me pre-attempt, and then never coming to see me after.
If I had to take a guess, I'd say that Patricia came out on top during that round.
And then Patricia called the nurse from Cornerstone up to the stand. After that, Cornerstone called my therapist from Miami up to the stand.
"How's it looking?" Parker questioned Patricia, as Patricia finished cross-examining Dr. Hawkins.
"At this point I can either call for the Dean of Students, or I can call for Lee," Patricia stated, her eyes glancing over to me.
I glanced over to Parker, who was staring at Patricia with an impassive expression.
"Whatever you think is best," I stated, quietly.
"Well I think we'd wrap this case with you," Patricia stated. "But I need to know that you're comfortable with that."
No.
"If need be I'm willing."
I glanced over at Cornerstone's lawyers, who were whispering amongst themselves as well.
Patricia straightened up, turning to face the judge.
"Are you sure about this?" Parker asked me, quietly.
"I would like to call Lee Adams to the stand."
"Too late now."
Cornerstone's lawyers immediately glanced over at me, their eyes narrowing in.
I took in a deep breath, rising to my feet and making my way over to the stand.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
"State your name for the record," Patricia instructed.
"Lee Adams," I stated.
"Lee, in your own words, what happened three days before the attempt?"
This was easy. I'd already answered this.
"I was suffering from a Depression." My hand immediately dropped to my bracelet inside of my jacket sleeve, and I began twisting it around my wrist. "And I couldn't get out of bed that morning."
"What about class? Did you go to class?"
"No."
"Did you take your medication?"
"No."
"To the extent of your knowledge, was Parker contacted?"
"No."
I glanced over at Parker, and he was watching me with a studied expression.
"Did you ask for Parker to be contacted?" Patricia questioned.
My eyes immediately snapped back over to her, the question new.
My breath caught in my throat, and I took a deep breath to relieve my constricting chest.
"Uh, no."
"Why not?"
I could feel myself slipping to my anxiety, and I took a moment to recompose myself.
Patricia didn't waver, her eyes remaining trained on me.
"Because I didn't want to bother him," I finally stated, my voice thick.
"Can you remember a time period in which any of the staff members of Cornerstone came to check up on you during that three day period in which you didn't show up for classes?"
I recognized this question, and I felt a sense of relief course through my body.
"No."
"Can you remember a time in which the school nurse at Cornerstone came to check up on you during that three day period in which you didn't show up for classes or show up to take your medication?"
"No."
Parker shook his head, his jaw shifting.
His uneasiness made me feel uneasy, and I had to look away from him, focusing on Patricia again, which was the last thing I wanted to do.
I feel as though I'd been sitting up here for hours. I reached up and tugged on my shirt collar, painfully aware of the tightness in my chest.
The questioning continued for what felt like hours, Patricia going on to ask me about my emotional wellbeing pre-suicide attempt and then some questions related to Polly and the rest of my friends.
And then Cornerstone had the chance to cross-examine me.
I immediately locked eyes with Parker, and he offered me a supportive smile.
I can get through this. I just had to keep breathing.
"Hello Lee," the woman lawyer said, with an easygoing smile.
I nodded in response.
"How long were you a student at Cornerstone?"
"I don't know, like eight months or so?"
"In that time period, how many times would you say that Parker came to visit you?"
"Practically every weekend. So 32 times, give or take a couple of weekends?"
"Let's say in a month prior to your attempt, how many times would you say that Parker came to see you?"
I glanced over at Parker, and his face was impassive.
"Maybe once."
"Would you say that that had an effect on your emotional wellbeing?"
Yes.
"Probably."
"Let's say in a month prior to your attempt, how many times would you say that Parker called you?"
"I don't know."
"If you had to guess?"
"I don't know, like six times or so."
"How many times did Parker call you the month prior?"
Like every single day.
"Like twenty times or so."
So would you say that that had an effect on your emotional wellbeing?"
"Maybe."
She nodded, clasping her hands in front of her.
I reached up and tugged on my shirt collar, having the urge to rip off the clip on tie. But I just took a hard swallow, letting my eyes flicker back over to Parker.
He wasn't looking at me, his gaze cast downwards as he clasped his hands on the table, his upper body tense.
The questioning continued for several more excruciating minutes, until my hands were trembling and I could no longer breathe.
I shot a look over to Patricia, afraid that if I continued sitting up on this stand I'd have a full-blown panic attack in front of all of these people.
That thought just accelerated my anxiety.
And then, by the grace of God, Cornerstone finished their cross-examining.
I clambered down from the stand, Parker handing me a glass of water as I sat down.
I just laced my hands across my face, trying to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth.
It wasn't working.
"You okay?" Parker asked me, quietly.
"I'm going to be sick."
Parker said something to Patricia, and Patricia rose up, requesting permission for me to exit the courtroom.
As soon as the judge granted me permission I was gone, the courtroom doors slamming behind me.
I felt worse than I did after the mock trial, sweat beading across my forehead and my stomach twisted into knots.
I emptied the contents of my stomach into one of the stalls inside of the bathroom until I was dry heaving afterwards, my legs collapsing underneath me.
I felt light-headed as my stomach clenched again, and I pressed my fingers into my temples, my head spinning.
I heard the bathroom door open. "Lee?"
Emmett's voice.
The stall door swung open. "Jesus."
"That was locked."
"Not anymore," Emmett muttered, running a paper towel under some cold water and laying it across the back of my neck.
He reached over and flushed the toilet, his nose crinkling as I dry heaved. "Relax, alright kid?" He laid another cold paper towel across my forehead. "It's over now. It's done."
He took a seat next to me on the floor, the two of us sitting side by side for the next several minutes.
I was still hyperventilating, my hands still shaking, but I was no longer dry heaving, although my stomach was still clenched into knots.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that," Emmett said, quietly. "They were such assholes."
I didn't comment.
They weren't only assholes to me, but to Parker as well. And Parker had managed to keep his shit together.
"But it's over now," Emmett stated, glancing over at me. "You can be done with them. And hopefully we get a win out of this one."
"You don't know?"
"No, they were making their closing statements when I left. I think Parker would've left if I didn't, so I sacrificed one for the team."
Another minute or so passed before I managed to push myself to two feet, Emmett doing so as well.
"Who knows what bacteria I just acquired from sitting on that ratchet floor?" he questioned, brushing off the seat of his pants. "That's dedication Lee, I just want you to remember that."
"Fuck off."
I tossed the wet paper towels in the trash, tugging off the clip on tie as I ran my fingers through my hair.
"You alright?" Emmett asked.
I nodded. "Better."
"Good. I thought you were going to pass out when I first got in here, that or puke on me. Glad I was wrong on both accounts."
I washed my hands before exiting the bathroom, where McKenna was waiting outside.
"How're you feeling?" she asked, planting a soft kiss on my cheek.
"I'm okay," I promised.
"How's the trial?" Emmett asked her.
"I left just seconds after you did."
"Dammit."
He wandered off to question other people.
"You did well up there," McKenna stated, as the two of us took a seat on one of the benches lining the hallway. "That Polly bitch though."
I couldn't help but laugh.
"I can't believe she testified for Cornerstone."
"No loyalty these days."
McKenna rolled her eyes, and I couldn't help but laugh once again.
"I'm just glad it's over," I muttered, with a sigh. "Now I can move on with my life."
"Onto bigger and better things."
"Onto more important things," I said, locking eyes with her.
She reached up and curled a piece of hair behind her ear, her eyes dropping. "Lee, we need to talk."
Shit.
"I wasn't going to do this today, with the trial and all, but now is as good of a time as ever I suppose."
"Is this it?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at her. "Have we reached the end of the line?"
Because I'm willing to give it another go if she is.
"I've changed," I pointed out. "You can ask Parker, he was pretty surprised over this past weekend."
A smile danced on her lips. "I know you have. I can tell just from talking to you last night."
"So what is it then?"
"I'm moving."
I stared at her for a few moments, unable to grasp the words that she'd just said.
"I'm going to back to Michigan at the end of the semester," she continued. "I'm going back home."
"Why?"
"Because I'm tired of running from my problems Lee. If anything, you taught me that. You taught me that I can't keep running from my past, from my mistakes. I have to deal with my parents, I have to deal with my sister's death. I have to learn to grow from that. And me living down here is only avoiding the situation. The only way I'm ever going to move past Lizzie's death is by accepting it first, and I'm just not in a place where I can do that first. Not until I deal with it."
I felt as though my heart was being ripped out of my chest, and I let my gaze drop down to the floor, intertwining my tie around my fingers.
"So I guess this is it then," I said, quietly.
"We still have the rest of the school year."
"I can't do that McKenna," I said, glancing over at her. "I can't pretend like everything is going to be okay between us when in reality it isn't."
"I don't think I can either."
Silence stretched between us, my heart heavy as I accepted the reality of the situation.
I can appreciate what McKenna's doing. At some point we all have to take responsibility for our past, learn to accept the path we've been given and the choices we've made.
But it still hurt nonetheless.
And then the courtroom doors opened and Parker came sweeping out, his eyes immediately locking with mine.
"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice breathless as he wrapped me up in a tight hug.
"I'm okay," I informed him, wrapping my arms around him in return.
He released me, his eyes searching my face for a few moments. "I was worried."
"I know."
Emily came up behind him, Emmett in tow.
"So what was the verdict?" I asked, raising my eyebrows in question.
"Cornerstone is guilty!" Parker announced, throwing his arms up in the air. "Those guilty motherfuckers."
I couldn't help but laugh as people's heads turned to stare at us.
"You're in a professional, public setting," Patricia reminded him, as she passed us.
"Doesn't change how I feel!" Parker called after her. "They can rag on me all they want, but at the end of the day the judge ruled in our favor."
I couldn't help but laugh at Parker's elation as he turned and kissed Emily, people still staring at us.
"And now I'm starving," Parker informed me. "Let's go grab some lunch."
I nodded in agreement, and he headed for the door, his arm wrapped around Emily as he chatted with Emmett.
"Are you coming?" I asked McKenna.
"I think it's best that I don't."
"Regardless of what's happened between us, you were still here to support me. And we are your ride home."
She laughed at that, standing up to her feet.
"If it's any condolence Lee, I'll never forget you."
I stood up as well, leaning over and giving her one last kiss.
"Without you I would've never grown, never broadened my horizons," I stated, with a small smile. "And I'll forever be grateful for that."
"Lee, you don't-"
"Despite everything that's happened, I wouldn't trade our time together for anything."
A slight blush crept up onto her cheeks.
"And when it's all said and done, we'll always have Jefferson Lake."
THE END