Chap. 40

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*trigger warning*

I'm slipping again.

I sat with my back pressed against the wall, my arms wrapped around my shins as I tried to control my breathing.

But nothing was helping the raging war inside of me.

I've tried to fight it. But the voices in my head are stronger than what I'm capable of.

Parker was just downstairs. Well, two floors down, in the basement. He was running on the treadmill.

But I can't tell Parker.

He deserves better than this. I promised him after rehab I wouldn't be that person anymore.

I can't let him down.

I reached up underneath my bracelets, snapping the rubber band against my wrist again. My wrist was red and welted from the number of times I've snapped it today, yet I still snapped it again.

But it still didn't help.

I needed an outlet for the emotions I can't seem to control, the pain I can't seem to get a grip on.

I wanted to be better than this.

I closed my eyes, my hands shaking and my breathing ragged.

I can't do this.

As I reopened my eyes, they landed on my phone, perched on top of the bed.

I reached out and grabbed it, my hands still shaking as I unlocked it.

But I had no idea who I was going to call.

Warren was in California with his family.


My parents were dead.


Emily, Emmett, and McKenna were all out shopping for stupid Christmas presents.

Snap, snap, snap.

I slowly scrolled through my contact list, until I landed on the last person I ever expected to call.

But the only person who might know how to help me.

I pressed my phone to my ear, resting my head on the wall behind me.

"Hello?" Travis's voice asked.

"Travis?" I questioned.

"Afternoon Lee," he said. I could practically hear his smile through the phone. "What can I do for you?"

I was silent for a few moments, feeling as though the weight of the world was resting on my shoulders.

This was a stupid idea.

"How's North Carolina?" Travis continued. "Get any snow up there yet? I was just checking the weather on my phone, but down here in Florida-"

"I need your help," I said, my voice cracking.

"Let's talk through it," Travis suggested. "Tell me what's going on."


"I'll hold your hand the whole time," McKenna promised, as I laced up my ice skates.

"I still don't want to do this."

"Then we don't have to."

I rolled my eyes. "We're still going to. That doesn't mean I want to."

She huffed, rolling her eyes as well. "Well don't be sour about it. That ruins the whole experience."

"Well to quote my girlfriend, I'm not. I'm just pouty right now."

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