"Damn tie," I muttered, ripping it apart and setting to redo it.
I hated ties. I felt as though I was being choked by them.
I knotted the tie and tightened it, letting out a choked cough as I fixed my collar over it
If I survived this mock trial without ripping this thing off of my neck, that would be a miracle in itself.
My phone buzzed on my desk, and I glanced over to see that it was a text from Parker.
I headed downstairs, waving at Dylan.
"Going somewhere special?" he asked, with a knowing smile.
Yeah, fake-court.
But I just smiled back, before heading out towards the main office.
I still needed to take my Xanax, saving it until the last minute.
I crossed through the front office, accepting a peppermint patty from Ms. Betty before stepping inside the nurse's office.
"Back for your Xanax?" Nurse Addie questioned.
I nodded, accepting a Dixie cup from her as she took down my medicine, handing it to me.
There was only one pill left in this morning's slot, because I'd already been by this morning to take the rest. I tipped back the Xanax, washing it down with some water.
Hopefully that helped to calm my nerves throughout the mock trial.
"Good luck today Lee," Nurse Addie said, with a supportive smile.
"Thanks."
I stepped out of the nurse's office as Parker walked into the front office.
Perfect timing.
He signed me out, and I followed him out to the Audi.
There was a Venti Vanilla Mocha waiting for me in the cup holder.
"You got me a Venti?" I asked, glancing over at his Grande.
"I can be nice when I want to be."
I chuckled at that, tipping back my coffee. "You're watching your caffeine intake right?"
He nodded, pulling out of Jefferson Lake. "If I wasn't then I'd have Wyatt, Emmett, and Emily on my ass anyways. So don't worry about that."
"I'll still worry."
He flashed me a small smile, and I could see the tired lines creased on his face, the purple bags under his eyes. "I'm fine Lee. I told you, it was a one-time thing."
"I've been around you long enough to call you out on that bullshit."
He let out a frustrated sigh, reaching over and turning up the radio.
The two of us rode over to Patricia's office in silence, Parker reaching up to adjust his tie every once in a while.
"Do you feel like it's choking you?" I asked, as we stepped out of the car.
"No Lee, that's only you."
"Maybe it's a Claustrophobic thing."
"Maybe."
Parker tossed his empty coffee container in the trash, holding the door open for me.
We were waved back by the receptionist, and Parker led me to the mock trial room. This was clearly something he was familiar with.
"How're you feeling?" he asked, coming to a stop outside of the room.
"Okay."
"Remember that this is the formal mock trial, so Patricia isn't going to pause to pep talk you this time," Parker warned. "Look to me, breathe through this. If you ever feel overwhelmed, we'll call this. No trial is more important than your mental health."
I nodded, and he squeezed my shoulder before pushing open the door, leading me inside.
There were already people seated in the makeshift courtroom inside, and their eyes shifted towards Parker and me as we stepped inside.
I kept my eyes trained on Patricia, who was sitting at the desk in the front, papers spread out in front of her.
There was a judge sitting up at the front as well, her eyes scanning over me.
I reached up and rubbed the back of my neck, dropping in the chair next to Patricia.
"Good morning," she greeted.
I nodded and Parker grabbed my coffee, taking a sip.
I lowered my eyes at him, and he offered me a sheepish smile, returning it to me.
"How are we this morning?" Patricia asked.
I tipped back the rest of my coffee, which was quite a long sip, before reaching over and tossing the empty cup in the trash. "Okay."
"Been better," Parker muttered. He cleared his throat, glancing over at me. "But we'll get through this."
Patricia nodded, gathering up her papers in a single scoop. "Parker, you'll testify first. And then Lee will follow. In the actual trial, Parker will testify first and then Lee you'll be on standby, we'll only use you if needed."
"Okay," I muttered, quietly.
That didn't do much to help ease the tension inside. Parker shot me a supportive smile, but it was clear that he was feeling nervous as well underneath the façade.
"Are you okay?" I asked him, letting my voice dip low.
"Yeah, fine. Why?"
"Because you aren't acting like yourself."
Parker cleared his throat, nodding. "Sorry, just some early morning jitters. But I'm good."
That was such bullshit, but I didn't push the issue, watching as the judge rose up to her feet.
"Are both parties ready to proceed?"
Patricia glanced over at the people who were going to be impersonating Cornerstone, who nodded.
"We're ready," Patricia agreed.
"Then let the trial begin."
I now understood why Parker was nervous. Watching him up on the stand was brutal.
Patricia's questions were easier, asking him where he'd been around the time of my attempt and asking him general questions about his guardianship.
But Cornerstone ripped him apart. They were just generated questions of course, guesses as to what Cornerstone might ask. But they were aimed towards tearing Parker down, and he was clearly shaken by the time he stepped down.
But he just took a sip of his water, offering me a small smile as he bumped my shoulder.
I didn't realize how hard this was going to be on Parker. The questions aimed towards me weren't much easier, but it never hit me the toll it had to take on Parker that Cornerstone's entire case were based on his so-called inadequacies.
"The prosecution would now like to call Lee Adams to the stand," Patricia stated.
Parker nodded towards me, and I slowly rose, making my way up to the stand.
All of the eyes were on me, and I took in a long, hard swallow, my eyes focusing in on Patricia.
I had to make it through this mock trial in relatively one piece in order to make it to the real trial.
Breathe Lee. Breathe.
One thing I'd been really good at post-suicide attempt, and well into rehab, had been shutting off my emotions. A blank slate.
It had been something that had driven Parker, and my therapists, crazy. The fact that they could never get anything out of me.
It had taken a lot to bring me back from that state, but I didn't lose the ability to completely shut myself down.
The consequences of doing so still remained the same. But that didn't make it impossible.
So staring at Patricia now, I willed myself to feel completely nothing, to welcome the emptiness inside.
And I answered each question with the same monotone voice, the same numbness eating away inside of me.
The only time I made eye contact with Parker, I saw him staring at me with a haunted look in his eyes. And I'm sure that if he could've, he would've pulled me down off the stand in that moment.
But I just refocused my attention on the defense now, automatically replying to every question they threw my way.
I felt a sickening feeling in my stomach, as though I was going to be physically sick.
"Thank you," the judge stated, and I numbly clambered down from the bench, taking my seat next to Parker once again.
He slid me a glass of water, but I couldn't bring myself to drink it.
I just wanted to leave, to get out of here and never return again. I no longer felt numb inside, just hollow. And it was a sickening feeling.
"I need to go to the bathroom," I informed Parker quietly, as the judge released us.
"Okay but-"
I was gone before he could finish, zig-zagging my way out of the courtroom.
I took the disabled stall, fumbling a few times to lock the door behind me before I could no longer contain myself.
I collapsed onto my knees, violently puking until there was nothing left in my stomach, and even then I couldn't keep from dry heaving.
I felt physically and emotionally drained, my body wreaking the havoc of the torture I'd just put myself through.
And that wasn't even the real thing.
I never wanted to sit in a courtroom again, to testify in front of a group of people as they silently judged me. To numbly listen as people, strangers, threw accusations at me about my past and my mistakes.
It was one of the worst things I'd ever had to go through. And after my past riddled with bad choices and unfortunate mistakes, that was saying a lot.
I slowly pushed myself up to my feet, splashing my face with cold water and then patting it dry with a rough paper towel.
I braced my arm on the wall of the bathroom, my stomach still clenching every 30 seconds or so.
I couldn't let Parker know that I'd had such a negative reaction to the mock trial, or he'd never let me step foot into an actual courtroom.
I ran my fingers through my hair, smoothing out my clothes before exiting the bathroom.
Parker was leaning against the wall outside, his phone in hand and a pensive expression on his face.
"Hey," he greeted, shoving his phone into his pocket. "You took off, are you okay?"
"Yeah fine. That Venti just really got to me."
He didn't seem convinced, his eyes searching mine. "You look pale."
"As do you."
Parker's face had been flushed of color for weeks now, leaving him with a sickly pale color in place.
He extended an arm towards me, pulling me in tight. "You sure you're okay?"
I let him side hug me for a couple of seconds before pulling away. "I said I was fine."
"Okay." He cast me one last unconvinced onceover. "If you're sure, then let's get you back for your afternoon classes."
~*~
Needless to say, I never made it to my afternoon classes.
And now I was standing in the middle of my room, my eyes rimmed red from crying and my stomach and throat aching from dry heaving.
I abandoned my dorm room, letting the door slam behind me as I tore down the staircase.
"Going somewhere?" Carl questioned.
I quickly scribbled my name on the sheet, it being too late for me to just come and go as I pleased.
I headed over to the girls' dormitories, signing in over there and waiting in the common area as they paged McKenna downstairs, it being too late for me to just let myself upstairs.
McKenna stepped out of the elevator, a look of confusion on her face.
She nodded towards the staircase, and the two of us stepped into the stairwell.
"Lee, what are you doing here?" she asked, in a resigned voice.
"I know that I don't have the right to come over," I said, quietly. "And I swear that tomorrow we can talk about what happened between us and where we go from here. And can talk about all of the dynamics of our relationship and how much of an utter asshole I am, including how much of one I'm being right now. But I just really need someone to talk to."
"So you can come to me when you need me but not when I needed you?"
I let my head dip low because she's right. And because I'm an asshole for it.
She placed two fingers underneath my chin, tipping my chin back up.
"Tomorrow we'll talk about it," she promised. "But come upstairs and tonight we can just talk."
~*~
"You did this?" I asked, my eyes scanning over her latest project.
Depression and Anxiety explained through photography, and I have to admit that I had never been more captured by McKenna's work as I was right now.
"After my personal struggle with Depression, and then firsthand witnessing your struggle with Anxiety, I thought that I could make a statement."
"I love it."
A smile spread across her face. "That means so much to me."
"It's just my opinion."
An argument we'd had a countless amount of times.
"And your opinion is everything to me." She took a seat next to me on her bed, her knee brushing up against mine. "And it should be to you as well."
I just nodded, flipping through the last photo in her collections. "These are great, really."
She took the photos from me, a genuine smile on her face. "I just entered them in the local fair, so I'm hoping I can place with them."
"I'd say you have a fighting chance."
I remember when I used to do all of the local fairs with my artwork, my mom my biggest supporter. But since her death I haven't had it in me to submit anything. It wouldn't mean anything to me without seeing the smile light up her face when I informed her that I'd placed, or hearing her promise to take me out for ice cream when I'd informed her that I didn't.
My mom was my biggest support as well as my loudest critic. And not having her here hurt.
"So how're you feeling after last night?" McKenna questioned, her eyes sweeping over my face.
"I'm okay."
I know that I came to McKenna in a fragile, broken place last night. And I know that she didn't have to take me in, and I wouldn't have blamed her if she decided not to. But she did anyways, and I didn't take that lightly. So I knew that now we needed to discuss the issue at hand, our relationship that was currently being held in suspension.
"I know that I've been self-absorbed," I stated, my gaze dropping down as I played with the hem of my shirt. "And that I haven't paid you the attention you deserve. I've noticed it not just with you, but in other aspects of my life too. I guess that I sometimes just get so caught up in what's happening around me that I sometimes forget that other people's lives don't just stop in the meantime."
I glanced up at McKenna, who was staring at me with an impassive expression.
"And I know that I tried to change you."
I raised an eyebrow at her in question.
"I know how you deal with certain situations versus how I do," she explained. "And I wanted you to conform to how I dealt with those situations while I was in need, even though you have your own process that doesn't match mine. And that's not something to get angry about, it's just something I should've adapted to."
I nodded, silence elapsing between us.
"So what now?" I questioned, my gaze meeting hers. "I feel like there's a lot of shi- a lot of stuff between us to just brush over."
A soft smile danced on McKenna's lips. "I agree."
"But I feel the exact opposite too. I feel like too much stuff has happened between us for us to just walk away."
"I think a break could be good for us," McKenna stated, her voice small. "Not a long one, just long enough for the two of us to figure ourselves out. I think that when I came to you, I was still reeling over my sister's death. And I put a lot of that onto you. And I think that you were still dealing with your suicide attempt, and with all of that coming to head again that's really taking a toll. And I just don't think that either one of us are in a place to be in a relationship right now."
Although that sounded level-headed and fair, it didn't sit right with me. I wasn't ready to let go of McKenna, not after everything that's happened.
"It's not forever," she reminded me. "Just for a couple of weeks, just long enough for us to decide where we sit and what we want without the pressure of a relationship."
I leaned over, brushing my lips across her forehead. "If that's what you want."
"I think that's what's going to be best for the both of us. You'll see."
***************************************************************************************************
So what did you guys think about the formal mock trial? Did it go as you expect? What about the conversation between Lee & McKenna? It finally happened. Thoughts & opinions on that?
The picture up at the top there was submitted by fortheweak. What do you guys think?
An update two days in a row, I better get some loving for this. You guys know that this NEVER happens.
Teaser: Parker's POV! (The last one of the book *sobs*) There's some loose ends that need to be tied up through Parker's POV.
Update: Wednesday or Thursday, I'm trying to at least space these out a little bit.