KAYLA:
I waved at Cal. He pulled over where I was standing and unlocked the doors, expecting me to open the door myself. Grimacing, I signalled to the big basket I was carrying. Cal frowned and got out of the car.
"What's that?"
"Stuff," I said nonchalantly, sliding into the car after he opened the door for me.
Cal stood there, looking at me strangely.
I huffed.
"Come on, let's go. You'll eventually know what's in there. Hurry up! I don't want anybody to see that I'm ditching school!"
Rolling his eyes, Cal got into his car, slightly whiffing of alcohol.
"Yeah, as if they don't already know. Kayla, you have got to understand that no matter where I go, eyes follow and gossips spread."
Ookay. Figuring I had better keep quiet, we rode in silence for the next 10 minutes or so.
"So, where are we going, Cal?" I finally asked, after the silence became too unbearable for me to take.
"I don't know, Kayla," Cal whispered after a moment, his voice heavy. "What's the point? What's the point of going anywhere?! What is there to live for, if we're all going to die anyway?" I turned to him worriedly. Suddenly, his shoulders started shaking.
"Cal...?"
He shook his head and pulled over, hunched over the steering wheel, his face bowed.
"Its... I'm okay... I'm sorry. Its... I was doing a lot of... thinking... yesterday. And the drinks just made everything..." he trailed off, his voice hoarse and muffled.
Slowly, I reached over and stroke his hair softly. At first, he flinched at my touch, but then, he began to relax, his ragged breaths slowly becoming even.
"Its okay to cry, Cal. Its okay."
Cal just sat there in silence, not looking at me, licking his wounds in silence. After a few minutes, he slowly tuned to me, his face a mask of grief and sadness.
"Why, Kayla? Why did he have to die? Why must I be the one who has to live? Who has to bear the guilt? Why?"
I stared at Cal, at loss for words. How I wish I could reach out to him, help him stand, remove his grief... but I know I couldn't. No matter how much I wanted him to heal, it was he who had to do it himself. I could only watch.
"Because its part of life, Cal," I whispered slowly, not sure whether my words would help.
Cal looked taken aback, as if he had never heard someone say that to him before.
"Well then, life sucks!" he finally said, looking like a six year old about to throw a big tantrum.
"It does, but only sometimes, Cal..." I paused, rearranging my words. "You know, the funny thing about us is that we almost always focus on the bad things in life, and completely overlook the good things we have. Or had."
Cal scoffed and tried to interrupt me, but I held my hand out.
"No, wait. Hear me out. Let me give you a simple scenario. Erm, what's the most delicious thing you've ever tasted? How about a..."
"Root beer float," Cal mumbled, despite himself. I gave him an encouraging smile.
"Okay, the first time you taste a root beer float, you just feel so darn happy, don't you? Like... like you're living on a cloud of lollipops where chocolate rains down from the sky and rainbows are made out of bon-bons. The second time you taste it, you probably will still like it a lot, but you have to admit, its not as delicious as your first glass, isn't it? And... the thirteenth time you have it, your happiness will be even less enormous, and in fact, your float probably won't even offer you anymore happiness 'coz you're just so used to the taste. Capisce?"
Cal nodded, his lips twitching.
"On the other hand, the first time you... erm... find a thumbtack in your root beer..." Cal actually took his eyes of the steering wheel to look at me. "...Your despair would be enormous, overshadowing all the happiness you might have enjoyed in your first sip of thumbtack-less root beer. The third time you find the thumbtack, you would be even more horrified, possibly even convinced that the guy who poured you root beer is scheming to get your tongue mutilated. And the twelfth time you find the thumbtack in your root beer, your despair would probably be so great you won't even able to utter the phrase 'root beer float' without bursting into tears!"
"Do you see where I'm going Cal? It's like... happiness is an acquired taste, something you can get used to so easily, but despair is surprising, and shattering each time you encounter it."
I paused, and softened my voice.
"You have so much in your life you have to be happy for, Cal, even though you may not be able to see it. Donovan's death was a tragedy, Cal, but don't ever resent him, or anyone else for that matter, for it. You should be happy that he was... No. Is your brother. That you were lucky enough to know such a beautiful soul, the one family member who loved you and taught you how to love and live. He may not be around anymore, Cal, but at least he was there for you, for no matter how short a time. At least you knew him, Cal. He had made you into the person you are, today, and for that, you should be grateful. A part of him will always live on in you."
I quietened, not knowing whether I had said the right things, or whether I was being too overly unsensitive. I had never experienced the death of somebody close to me before, so, although I tried to put myself in Cal's shoes, I knew I would never fully understand the grief he was feeling.
"I'm sorry," I blurted suddenly.
Cal seemed to awaken from a reverie.
"What? Why?"
"'Coz... I don't know. If I hurt your feelings or anything. I'll be frank, Cal. As much as I try to understand, I know I can't fully comprehend the feelings you might have, but..."
Cal put his hand on my shoulder, forcing me to look at him.
"Thank you, Kayla." he said simply, pulling me into a hug.
---
"So where we're going now?"
Apparently, my pep talk had worked, or at least, had made Cal more of his old self. After a few deep breaths, he had continued driving along the long, quiet highways.
"I don't know!" he said, matter-of-factly, smiling at me.
"You don't know?"
"Yeah. We can go anywhere or everywhere. Take your pick!"
I giggled.
"But, what is in the basket, anyway? Tell me!"
"Its... erm. Look. Could we stop by a stream or something later? There's some food in the basket, and... erm. Well, some other stuff. Can we, Cal?"
Cal gave me a lopsided grin.
"A picnic, huh?" he looked at me. "Donovan liked picnics," he added quietly.
"Good! And, while I'm setting everything out, I want you to go for a long walk. Think about stuff. Clear your head, Cal. You need some time to think about... well. Everything."
"You're not fooling me, Kayla! Go for a long walk? What, let me guess. By the time I come back, my car will be gone, and there I'll be, in the middle of nowhere, alone, all pretense of a picnic gone. Think about life, my Aunt Marge. I'm not suicidal!"
I stuck my tongue out.
"Hey, trust me! And at least you won't die of thirst, if, indeed, I do leave you. You'll have plenty of water to drink!"
Cal chuckled. For a while, we sat in a companionable silence.
"Let's play a game! Uhm, I spy!"
Cal groaned.
"Aww, come on Kay! That's so grade school!"
I shook my head and turned off the air conditioners.
"What are you doing?"
"Open the windows, Cal! Completely down!"
Frowning slightly, he brought them down, and immediately, wind rushed into the car, whipping through our hair and filling the car with a fresh, vanilla scent. I whooped and Cal laughed.
Reaching for the radio, I popped in a CD I had burned specially for today. Colbie Caillat's 'Brighter Than the Sun' filled the car, lightening up the atmosphere with her light, happy tunes.
I grinned and looked over at Cal, who looked much much better than he did this morning, all tenseness gone from his face.
"See, this is fun, isn't it? Bet you'd never done this, you spoilt kid!" I screamed so that he could hear me over the sound of the wind and radio.
Cal grinned, his eyes crinkling.
" I spy, with my beautiful, dreamy, perf- Ow! Fine. I spy a crazy thing, jumping around and screeching," Cal yelled, a dangerous glint in his eyes.
I bit my lip.
"Is it an animal?"
Cal laughed heartily and nodded. I frowned.
"Did you see a fox?"
"No, foxes are graceful. This thing isn't," he yelled back, dorkily grooving to the music.
"A rat?"
"Close!"
For some reason, he laughed aloud again.
I exhaled a sigh, looking around. We were moving too fast, how could he possibly have caught sight of an animal on the road? Unless...
I caught his twinkling eyes in the rearview mirror.
"You jerk, Cal!!!" I screeched, trying to hit him.
Cal just laughed, letting my punches land on his rock-hard arms. This is so unfair! He probably didn't even feel it!
"Oh, this is how it starts, lighting strikes the heart, It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun!"
"Freak," I muttered, but the howling of the wind and the summery tune drowned my voice and Cal continued singing happily, his face a picture of happiness. Pure happiness.
---
"Kayla... this is... beautiful!" Cal said in awe, looking down. I smiled happily and jumped to his side, wanting to look at it from his point of view.
And beautiful it really was.
I had spread out a red checkered cloth, and on it, I had placed a small vanilla birthday cake I had bought hurriedly yesterday. The cake, tastefully colored in pastel hues, complimented the yellow plates and cups I had brought along. Cold lemonade peered out from a bottle I had packed along, and I had strewn flower petals on the tablecloth randomly. Donovan, frozen at the age of 17 or so, smiled back at us, propped up on the picnic basket. But of course, it was the place itself that really made everything look perfect. Cal had found a beautiful spot; just a metre away from where we were standing, The Avon River flowed quietly, the sounds of water splashing intermingled with the occasional chirping of the bluebirds.
Like Cal had said: It was beautiful.
I grinned and pulled Cal over, sitting him down. I sat to the right of him, and handed out a plate and cup to him.
Cal still seemed stunned, so I nudged him.
"Its... wow. I mean, how did you get his picture?"
"Its on your website."
"My website?" he said, as I placed a slice of cake on his plate.
"I mean, your family website."
"There're pictures on there?"
"Yeah! What, don't tell me you've never checked it out?" I asked in shocked.
Cal shook his head, his eyes still fixed on Donovan's picture.
"Well, they do. All of you Cafferty's have their pictures there," I added. No need to tell him that Evan's picture was missing though, I thought.
I poured both of us lemonade, and then looked at him expectantly. Cal tore his eyes from the picture and looked at me for the longest time, finally giving a small nod. Clearing his throat, he started to speak, his eyes cast in front.
"Donovan... I miss you, big brother. I know its been almost two years, but... the pain never does completely go away, does it? But, I've been trying Donny. Trying real hard. 'Coz you would have wanted me to be happy, wouldn't you?"
Cal paused.
"I remember how we used to play football at home, breaking so many ornaments that our butlers had to ban us from the main rooms. How we used to play hide-and-seek when we were kids, and how I could never ever find you. And when I was older I realized why: You sneaked out of the house." Cal smiled. "I remember the late-night raidings we made on our fridge, how we used to drive Rheese crazy with our midnight TV sessions... I wonder how she is now. She was the closest thing both of us had to a parent, remember? And then, when I got older, you were still there for me. You were the first one I ran to when I got my first kiss. You advised me on how to get Anne to fall for me."
Cal paused and continued wryly.
"And, just to let you know, Donny, your advice completely sucked. Seriously. Pushing a girl 'accidentally' won't lead to anything but her calling you names and hating you for the rest of her life. In fact-"
Cal looked indignant.
"Hey! Did you do that on purpose? I mean, you were 12 at that time, shouldn't you have known better?"
Cal shook his head, muttering 'Freak!'.
"Anyway, Donovan. I just wanted to say: Thank you. Thank you for being the awesome-st big brother any guy could wish for. Thank you for showing me what a true family should feel like... Thank you for always being there for me, thank you for being my friend, thank you for teaching me all those stuff, for spending time with me... Actually, Donny, I... have something to confess to you. These past weeks, I sometimes wake up, and... well, you aren't the first thing that comes to my mind. When I do catch myself, usually hours later, I'm overcome by this... overcoming sense of guilt. How could I have forgotten about you? Whenever I laugh too loud, or talk too much, I feel guilty. But today... I realized that... it's okay to be happy. It's okay to move on. And I want to thank you for sending an angel to look after me, to tell me that, Donny."
Cal paused and looked at me, smiling.
"She's... she has made me laugh, made me smile, made me think... and most importantly, has helped me realize one very important thing. Something that you used to spend every day doing- being happy, no matter what the circumstances are. Thank you, Donny, for sending her."
Cal looked at the picture of his brother and raised his glass of lemonade.
"And Happy 19th. I hope you're happy, wherever you are, and... still find enjoyment in that glass of root beer float," he said, cocking his head in my direction.
I smiled back, my heart doing weird summersaults I couldn't quite understand.
---
"I suppose you want to know how he, you know... passed on," Cal said softly. We were back in the car; the food was gone, the day was getting late, and Cal remembered his promise to send me home before my parents got suspicious.
I kept quiet, not wanting to push him.
"It's okay. I can talk about it. He... died in a car crash. The same car crash that gave me the leg injury," Cal said, shrugging.
"He was driving too fast, couldn't see the car behind the corner... and... well, next thing I know, I was in the hospital ward and that beach of a mother so insensitively told me, the moment I woke up no less, that my brother was gone. We'd never liked her; Donovan and I used to make up jokes about her, but that day... I really started loathing her. My dad couldn't even make it for his funeral... and so I was the only family member attending."
"Oh, Cal!" I said sympathtically, squeezing his hand.
"Yeah, and after that... I, ehm. Well, I got depressed. Don't know if you know but I took some time off from school last year because I had anger-management problems- I literally punched anyone who got in my way, drank too much and all that shnazzle... and, so I got sent to a rehab centre. After Donovan died, Kayla, everything just went downhill for me."
He paused. We had pulled up in front of my house, and I could see that my parents weren't home yet. I didn't want to leave, even if they were home: I wanted to stay here with Cal, to talk forever, to listen to his stories... I mean, even though we'd just spent hours together, now that our time together was ending, I was desperately holding on to our last few stolen moments, wishing that I could, literally, spend the whole day with him. Just being there for him was enough for me.
"But then, I met you. Okay, well, not you, but Elle first... and, well, you guys just made me... happy. Especially you, since I do see you everyday and since... well, Elle stopped talking to me. Honestly, Kayla, I've never ever had so much fun with anybody since the day Donovan died. Even today, this momentous day, which I had thought would be full of depressing memories and shouting sessions... turned out to be one of the most wonderful-lest day I've ever ever had! Incredibly ironic, I must say..."
Cal smiled at me, then suddenly grew serious.
"You're incredible, Kayla. You really are. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise."
I sat there, not moving. To say I was touched was an understatement, but then, I was also aware of the other smaller, more important things. Like how close we were sitting. How I felt: all warm and fuzzy inside. The tingly feelings on my fingertips. Cal's clear skin. His cologne.
Cal leaned in slowly, testing my reaction. I didn't move, both because I was too shocked to do so, and because I simply didn't want to. Then, as if unable to stop himself, his lips grazed mine; a soft peck on my lips.
I gasped, and suddenly, as if realizing what he was doing, Cal pulled back, biting his lips as if scared of my reaction. My cheeks flaming, the reality of the situation finally sinking in on me, I fumbled for the door.
"Goodbye, Cal. Thank you for everything. I'll see you! Tomorrow! I mean, in school!" I yelled, blabbering over my shoulder, legs practically sprinting towards my front door.