"I spoke to them again the other day." I admitted to my psychologist, Emma, and she nodded, writing something down. "It didn't go well. I could've handled it much better." I played with dandelions golden fur as I spoke, avoiding eye contact.
"And why do you think that?" She asked, eliciting a big sigh from me as I looked up
"I scared him. I told him about the psych hospital, he didn't sound happy for me, he sounded scared and worried. It hurt so instead of staying on the phone I walked away" her eyes locked with mine as she handed me a tissue when she noticed my voice crack with sadness.
"It's a big decision, we discussed this with your parents and they came around. Not everyone will understand what you're doing or why, you know that this will help you, But It can be scary for loved ones to hear-" she started explaining and I almost went to speak up but didn't. It didn't feel right. ‘loved ones’... Were we lovers anymore? I didn't know how I felt....
I gathered my breathing before looking back to my psychologist
"What are you thinking?" The doctor asked
"I just...I don't know...I think we should head off. It's getting close to the time they want me there." I changed the topic, standing up and leaving the dining room where we were so I could grab my bags.
We got in the car, music playing on the radio as I sat in the backseat. I'd miss my family, and Dandelion. It hurt to think that I didn't know how long I'd be away for.
When I got there, The hospital environment put me a little bit on edge, but I took some breaths and headed in with my psychologist. My Newfound family had said goodbye at home so as to not crowd the waiting area I sat in whilst I was signed in. It was nice to have a big family, and they all accepted me with loving, open arms. Basilio was very sweet, always wanting to be with or near me and all of them were lovely. I felt a little bitter towards them though, I didn't get the childhood they were given.
"Artemis Bertoli-Pavladi?" One of the Nurses called out my name - which I changed as soon as I was mentally prepared to do so. Finding out the origins of the name I had made me sick to my stomach and I needed to change it. I didn't want to associate myself with that.
I got up and went over to her. Emma stayed with me as I'd requested, I may be choosing, but it's still scary because I don't know how long I'll be here. Since I was willingly admitting myself, I was free to leave whenever but I would try not to until I was better. Emma had warned me that with things like this, you're never fully better you just get better at coping, and that's what this place was meant to help me with. Help me to cope better.
"That's me...I uhm..." I stood up before looking at Emma, who nodded out of encouragement
"Perfect, thank you. Right this way" the nurse smiled at me and I felt almost completely at ease. She did my height and weight before checking me in - I followed her instructions and soon enough I was in a room that I would be calling mine, with my psychologist helping me to unpack and settle
*BZZ BZZ*
My phone rang as we finished putting my clothing away, I picked it up assuming it was either my parents or Calisto wanting to check on me - My oldest younger brother was too kind for his own good. Or it'd be Basilio wanting to talk, that little kid is a sweetheart.
"He-"
"Hey, sorry I uhm.... Ryan told us you were off to the psych ward today and I wanted to give you something. I'm at reception but they won't let me further..." I was unintentionally inturrupted by Milo's soft, gentle voice which threw me off. Emma looked at me to see what was happening
"Oh... Hi Milo. I'll head over" I replied back, hanging up before anything else could be said
"Can you come?" I asked my Psychologist with pleading eyes, hoping she would
"Of course, did he say why he was here?" Her voice was neutral, and I wish I could be as calm as her. I felt as though my insides were going to fall out both ends.
"He wanted to give me something, but they won't let him through"
"you don't have to see him-" she started but I shook my head
"No, I should and I want to." And with that we headed off to the Reception where, sure enough, Milo was there, he was sitting next to a large bouquet and had a small bag in his hands as he looked on edge. The discomfort in him hurt. He needed a hug, but I couldn't give him that.
"Milo?" I spoke up and he instantly shot up, grabbing the bouquet and looked to me
"Hi, I bought you flowers and a little 'good luck' gift....the receptionist checked them and said they were fine" he held them out to me and I looked to my psychologist who watched the interaction before looking back and taking them
"Thank you, did you want to come through?" I asked hesitantly as I took the gifts and Emma took them off my hands, I didn't know what he was doing here or why.
"If you were happy?" I nodded at his response as we set off down the hallway and back to my room, he looked around the room as I sat on the bed. Emma put the flowers on the table next to the bed and handed me the bag before she went to stand outside
"You can sit on the bed" I invited as I sat by the pillow cross-legged
"Oh...thanks." he said as he sat awkwardly, he looked anxious, and it set me on edge a little
"Is everything okay? You're off"
"Yea, I've just had some things I'm working through - thats not why I'm here though. I really just wanted to say I hope you get better, and wanted to know what comes next" he asked and I smiled softly, I appreciated his honesty.
"Thank you. As for what happens next I-" a loud sound came from the hallway, startling me. I froze as my heart thumped in my chest. I didn't know what the noise was, but it was followed by some foreign curses that I knew from the place William kept me
I grounded myself with closed eyes, I could smell the room is been kept in, breathing in stung and my lungs burned.
I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe
I don't know how long it took to calm down, but when my eyes opened, Emma was in the room and Milo had gone. And I felt guilt and sadness flood me, he came all this way to visit and I couldn't keep it together....
Fuck.
"He left quite quickly...he didn't want to stress you." Emma commented as soon as she realised where my thought train was headed
Emma spoke to me for a bit, ensuring I was settled and everything was ready for me, before she left. And I felt so much more alone than I've felt in a while.
*KNOCK KNOCK*
A knock on the door helped to alleviate some of the crushing loneliness I was experiencing.
"Hello?" I called, allowing the knocker in. It was one of the staff who greeted me with a smile.
"Artemis, a few of the other in-patients were about to begin on some crafts - did you want to join? It's a good opportunity to introduce yourself and get to know the people who are here" she offered and I jumped at the opportunity, following her to a large, open room where there were a group of three people at the table, all waiting for the staff member to come back, there was another staff member in the corner of the room, just watching.
"Hello ladies, this is Artemis. She just arrived today so be nice to her" she smiled with a little laugh, catching their attention. They all looked at me as if I were some sort of puzzle. The Ginger looked to the Brunette and smirked, The Purple smiled to me
"Ignore them, it's just a game they play with new residents. They try to guess what you're here for, its harmless fun for them but they forget that not many people actually appreciate their game" she explained as she pulled the chair out and patted it for me, taking a seat I kept my hands in my lap.
God I feel so awkward.
The Ginger was staring at me still, with a curious expression as the Brunette was listening to the instructions and absentmindedly fiddling on a piece of paper, curling it until it broke and then getting another bit of paper and repeating.
"That's Isla" the one with purple hair told me in her gentle accent, nodding to the Brunette who had now been given a bowl of beads and a beading board
"I'm Leanna" the ginger piped up as she looked directly to the lady with purple, she had a crochet hook in her hand and the staff member was holding the wool for her
"And you?" I asked the one next to me
"Kathryn" she answered softly and both girls at the table smiled widely
"Kathy! I've not seen you in ages!! Two days!" Isla came round the table and gave Kathryn a hug, confusing me - she was right here, Isla was looking at her?
"Relax" she smiled and I just grew more and more confused
"I'm lost - she was right there?" I spoke up anxiously. Is Isla blind? Is that why she didn't see Kathryn? Was I being rude? Isla looked guilty as she looked to Kathryn who looked at isla before back to me and shifting position...
"Sorry, we're a system. Kathryn is one of our alters, she was fronting and helps manage and care for us. We have Dissociative Identity Disorder" Her voice changed from her soft and gentle one moments earlier to a strong southern accent as she spoke to me, my eyes widened as I looked to her - I'd never heard of that before, or seen someone switch accents so quickly
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Posted: 25.03.24