songs for this chapter
False God by Taylor Swift
To Be Alone by Hozier
smut warning!
****
HARRY'S P.O.V
Today marked one week since I last saw Liz. It was a gloomy day, the sky was threatening the earth with rain with its dark clouds. The sun is hidden beneath the gray clouds, an absence of light in the sky and inside my house.
Just like how the sky was filled with dark clouds, my mind was besieged with dark thoughts. Dark sensations, anxiety, and trepidation crowded my already rotten mind.
A whole week since I last saw Liz. I can't even begin to describe how much I missed her. The smell of her cherry perfume still lingered on my bed sheets, almost as if she was still sleeping next to me every single night; I liked to pretend she was.
The house carried a dark aura ever since she walked away. I like to think that she's the one who brought so much light to this morbid place. I miss her laugh ricocheting from room to room, her bright smile, and how some mornings it was the first thing I'd see.
Most mornings she woke up before me, waiting for me with a bright smile, I miss that. And if she was asleep, and by some miracle, I had woken up before her, I'd spend hours until she woke up studying the flawless features of her face. I had counted every single freckle on her cheeks and nose, I know how she scrunches her nose when she has bad dreams, or how she sometimes talks nonsense in her sleep. I had it all memorized in my head, but I miss seeing it with my own eyes. Living in my head was exhausting, especially since it was such a dark place.
But this week doesn't only mark the last time I saw Liz, it also marks the one month I've been clean. I've been sober for a whole month, but this newfound cleanliness doesn't mean I don't miss the euphoria the drug gave me. The more time passed by, the more I craved that feeling; the numbness and temporary happiness that came along with it.
I've tried using every single distraction I could think of to get my mind away from the deadly drug and the cravings that came along with it. I had an insurmountable feeling to use it again. I almost did. I almost relapsed again a few days ago.
I've barely left the house for the past seven days. I was scared that if I walked out and got in my car I'd probably end up driving straight to my dealer and getting more coke. As much as I craved it, I didn't want that. I don't want to like that anymore anymore.
I've used every distraction in the house I could get my hands on, countless hours of cleaning what was already clean, cooking only to not eat the food and let it rot in the fridge, and painting but somehow each painting always ended up being of the same person and same place. Paris and Liz.
I wrote a song or two, none that I think were good, one that will probably never see the light of day but at least I temporarily forgot about my cravings. Somehow I managed to fight it through.
At one point, when the cravings got too intense and music and art did not help, I turned to alcohol. A whole bottle of whiskey was used to wash away the intense cravings. The next morning I felt worse than ever. Alcohol didn't help as much as I wanted it to, I was just an emotional wreck.
I've also barely slept since I stopped using coke insomnia is one of the side effects of withdrawal, and the painful migraines I can't seem to get rid of. On top of that, my anxiety has been more unbearable than ever, and no alcohol or anxiety pills could help me calm down, the one thing that usually worked was coke. I used the drug as a way to relieve my body and mind from the intense anxiety, ironically enough the same drug is now the cause of it.
This whole month has been an anxious, emotional mess, I'm hanging on by a single thread, and no matter how tempted I am to go back to my old ways I'm trying my best to fight it through.
The first week of getting clean was probably the hardest, the cravings were intense and my anxiety didn't make it any better. I turned to boxing and working out at that point, something to give me the same relief and adrenaline Coke gave me, but in a healthier way. I had my garage turned into somewhat of a gym or at least a single empty room with nothing but a boxing bag hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the space.
I've been here almost every day, boxing for hours on end until the exhaustion gets so unbearable that I am forced to stop. But even then I can't find it in me to fall asleep. My emotions have been all over the place, coke was the one thing that calmed me down and now without it, I've been angry at everything and everyone. The smallest things had me snapping in half out of anger, boxing helped me tone that anger down. My irritability has been through the roof. I thought once I stopped using I'd be better but it feels like I'm just getting worse. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I was punching the hard bag with my bare hands, the lack of gloves protecting my skin sending a wave of pain through my bare knuckles and my sprained wrist.
My body was supposed to be healed by now, or at least somewhat better and less painful, but I was overworking my body so much that the pain was still there. I still felt the same pain in my ribs and wrist as I did the night of the accident. I didn't care though, the pain was one of the other things that made the cravings fade away. If I was in pain I wasn't focusing on the cravings as much.
I think if I still had Liz then I wouldn't be drowning myself in whiskey until I felt physically ill, or I wouldn't be punching bags until the pain became intolerable. I think she made me feel better; I think she made me want to be better.
I think being around someone so ethereal and angelic made me want to be better, it made me want to repent and beg for forgiveness for all the sins I committed before I met her. My stained soul and bloody hands didn't deserve to be near her, I didn't deserve to touch her. I was ready to dip my hands in holy water, to wash away my sins just so I can touch her without tainting her.
She's so flawlessly perfect that sometimes I think that she's a figment of my imagination, because how could someone so good, so beautiful, be real? It also made no sense that our paths crossed, we were from two different worlds, two different people with different morals, yet somehow I still found my way to her. It felt too good to be true. She felt too good to be true.
She was my biggest motivation to be better now. I don't want to disappoint her.
As sickenly obsessed as I was with her, it didn't mean I still wasn't hurt by her actions last week. Seeing her on a date with that Chris guy, hurt me in ways I didn't even know were possible. It was also the last time I saw her, the last time I heard from her. A part of me was waiting for her to call, to at least ask how I was. But she didn't and it fucking killed me.
I missed hearing her voice and how it always told me all the details of her day. Now I know nothing about her, all I know is she's still staying with Alexa and Louis, and the only time I hear about her is when Alexa or Niall tell me stuff.
Alexa did call me recently, she said Liz was okay but she needed my help throwing her a surprise birthday party. Her birthday was soon, I almost forgot about it. Alexa wanted me to be involved in the surprise, even invited me to the party but with everything going on I doubt Liz would want me there. I think Alexa is also the only one that believes I wasn't at fault, which makes me feel better knowing not everyone has turned against me.
I hate that she walked out without hearing me out, I had nothing to do with the video and it pained me that I still couldn't find a way to prove it. I tried my best to find how someone could get access to something so personal considering my security wasn't flawed and no one but me had access to my computer and cameras, but I still haven't found a thing. I think if I did she'd finally talk to me, I just don't know how okay we would be. She was mad, but so was I.
I was mad that she left. I was furious she left without hearing me out, hurt and angered that she left when I needed someone- when I needed her the most. She was gone and she never called. I was mad that she went on a date with someone who didn't deserve her. I was so mad I wanted to scream it out.
I've been, and still am a mess. This month has been a horrible rollercoaster ride of terrible moments and I just want it to end. I should be proud of myself for being clean for a whole month but I just feel sick, I can't feel anything except pain and worry. I hate it.
I hate what's upcoming soon. The gala was making its way close to me, a gala that wasn't supposed to happen anytime soon but now that it is I know that Adrienne has something fucked up planned otherwise this party would've never happened. Apart from the gala, she's been on my ass about a job in Paris for days, a job that I have little to no details about, all I know is I'm all on my own this time.
I punch the bag harder, sweating, coating my forehead and messy hair. My eyes burned from exhaustion and mixed with the sweat coating my eyelids I only felt worse. I was running on two hours of sleep and two shots of espresso, but even with the coffee and adrenaline running through my system I was still exhausted.
I punch the bag one last time, letting my hand drop to my side as the other runs through my sweaty hair. I stare at my knuckles, bruises forming on the skin from how hard I've been punching the bag for the past two hours.
I needed a break, I also needed something other than coffee in my system, I felt like I was gonna pass out at any moment. I walk out of the garage, slamming the door shut behind me as I make my way towards the bar and down to the hall near the kitchen.
A feminine voice echoes in the house, the familiarity of her delicate tone making me stop in my tracks. "Harry?" She yells out my name, her footsteps following right behind.
Liz.
She's here.
I let out a deep breath, walking towards the sound of her voice. She lets out a breath of relief but once she sees me worry follows right in her eyes.
"Liz?" My voice follows right behind hers, I step closer to her, my breath hitching in my throat at the sight of her. She was dressed in tight denim jeans, the material hugging her hips and thighs in all the right places. She wore a white top, and a black leather jacket over it accompanied by her black doc martens . Her face lacked any makeup, she looked slightly tired but still as beautiful as ever. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to talk to you," She swallowed hard, hesitantly walking closer to me. "Is this an okay time?"
"Yeah... of course," I hesitate, trying to give her a small smile but it fails. She notices my struggle and, in return smiling softly but it doesn't reach her eyes. She looks tired, her eyes slightly red accompanied by the bags under her eyes. "Is everything okay?"
Something bad must've happened for her to come in here announced, especially after barely speaking to me for weeks. Worry washes over me, the feeling tightening a knot in my stomach, Naoussa following right through.
"Uhm- I... uh," she stammers over her words, her fingers pinching the bridge of her nose as she struggles to put her thoughts into proper sentences. "I came here to apologize."
"Apologize?" I raised my brows in pure confusion.
"Yeah-" she takes a deep breath. I get impatient, almost too eager to see where she's going with this. "I came here to apologize for blaming you that the pictures of the video got released. I realized today that it's not your fault you had nothing to do with it and I was quick to blame you and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me that day, I should've never blamed you without hearing you out first." She looks defeated. "I'm sorry." She said again.
"Why the change of mind?" I don't let the irritation in my voice go unknown. I missed her, I did, however, it took her three weeks and a date with another man before she came back and acknowledged me again.
I put myself out there over and over again, I told her how I felt and she ignored it. "Uhm- it's just that something happened today..." she jumps around the words, clearly hiding something from me. "And I realized that what happened with the video and the pictures wasn't your fault."
"I told you," I said almost too proudly, however, that emotion didn't reach my face. I stay blank.
"I'm sorry," she narrowed her eyes at me, her voice laced with guilt and sorrow.
"Yeah," I scoff quietly, almost as if I was talking to myself.
I never expected her to apologize but I'm really glad that she recognized her fault in this. I put myself out there multiple times and told her how I felt and she turned a blind eye every single time. Fine, I can deal with that, but her running off after the pictures got leaked and not hearing me out pissed me off. I know that she had the right reason, hell, if I were in her place I'd probably blame me too. I looked guilty, being the one with access to the video and everything, but I wished that she'd hear me out and let me explain myself first before she jumped to conclusions on her own.
"I missed you," she blurted out the words before I could say anything else.
I raised my brows almost amusingly, but the anger and frustration in my tone didn't go unnoticed. "Did you also miss me when you were on a date with Charles?"
"Chase," she corrected me under her breath but it was still loud enough for me to catch it. "And yes I did," she admitted out louder. "I wouldn't have kissed you if I didn't." There's a beat of silence between us, neither one knowing what to say, it stays that way until she speaks up again. "I'm sorry."
"You already said that," I replied blankly.
"And I'll say it over and over again until you forgive me."
"There's nothing to forgive," I ran a shaky hand through his hair, a frustrated breath leaving my mouth. She stays quiet as I speak again, watching my very move. "You had every right to be suspicious of me, it just pisses me off that you left without hearing me out; that you left when I needed you most. And then not even a whole month later I see you on a date with another man?"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving without hearing you out, and I'm sorry for leaving you when you needed someone."
"I didn't need just someone, I needed you and you walked out. You never called me or even texted me, you never asked how I was doing."
I was burning with a lot of emotions right now, each one overcrowding my body until I felt overwhelmed by it. Anger was the one I felt the most, that along with hurt. The lack of coke in my system only made my reactions and feelings worse, without it I'm a walking disaster.
"I am sorry for everything, I fucked up and I understand if you never want to see me again. I should've heard you out, I know it might be too late but I realize that now, I'm sorry I left when you needed me the most. I'm sorry I went on that stupid date with Chase, I didn't know you'd be there. I never realized how much it would hurt you to see me with someone else after everything. If I was in your place I'd be angry too. I was selfish and I can't apologize enough for it."
My eyes soften for a split second but just as soon as that emotion flashes in my eyes it's replaced by something else. I let out a quiet, dry chuckle, my hand running through my hair again. My voice slightly raises out of frustration as I speak again.
"Hurt? I wasn't just hurt, Liz. I was pissed off. I wanted to rip his hands off just for touching you like that. I was jealous, of seeing you with him, making you smile and laugh the way I should have made me envious. Don't you get it? I want you all to myself, I want to be the only one that gets to touch you like that, that makes you smile, that makes you feel that way. You consume my every thought, I can't think of anything else no matter how hard I try and then for you to run off and- "
"... I, uh- I didn't know you felt that way," she interrupted me, stammering over her words, eyes widened and her cheeks flushed red. "I don't know what to say right now other than that I'm sorry again."
"You didn't know I felt that way?" I scoffed. "Have I not made it clear over and over again how I felt?"
"I don't know," her voice comes out in a insecure whisper.
"Yes you do, you just don't want to admit to yourself that there is something there."
"That's not true," she fights back quickly.
"Yes, it is," my voice raises out of frustration.
"It's not, you're just twisting my words right now."
"Why won't you just admit it?"
She clenches her jaw, hesitation running in her eyes almost as if she's fighting herself. She's holding back right now, and I can't seem to grasp why she's hesitating on this when she knows how we both feel.
"You want me to admit it? Fine," her voice raises an octave, almost matching my condescending tone. "I can't stop thinking about you either, and it's fucking killing me. I mean for fuck's sake I was on a date with another man and I couldn't stop thinking about you, I wanted it to be you instead of him, I wanted it to be you touching me, I wanted it to be you kissing me goodbye at the end of the night, not him-"
"He kissed you?" My eyes widened in disbelief.
"It's terrifying how often I think about you. I care about you a lot and it fucking scares me, it scares me because I don't know what this feeling is and I don't hate it. And- and I think I -"
She said everything I've been hoping to hear her say for weeks now. It's like a soft lullaby ringing in my ears when I hear she feels the same way. I always knew she felt the same way, it was obvious and I'm not blind when it comes to other people's feelings. I just needed to hear her say it, to confirm what I already thought was true.
I don't give her a chance to finish before I pull her in closer to me, leaning in until our lips meet again. She kisses me back without hesitation, my body melting at the touch of her hands on my skin. I've missed this- I've missed her.
This kiss was different from the one last week, that one was hungry and full of desperation and anger, but this one was softer, more gentle but needy at the same time. I pull her in even closer, not an inch left of space between the two of us. I can feel her rapid heartbeat against my chest, mine matching hers too.
Her hands make it through my hair, grabbing a fistful of it gently, just holding it in the palm of her hand as a small groan escapes me. My hands make it to her waist, holding her tightly as if she's about to run away again, I dig my fingers into the material of her jeans, a small whine escaping her lips which gives me access to slip my tongue into her mouth.
She doesn't fight me on it she kisses me back even more desperately now. My whole body bursts into flames at the intimacy that I've been longing for weeks, her back hits the white wall, a small whine escaping her lips.
"Jump," I breathed into her lips.
"I don't want to hurt you," she responds.
"You won't, I'm fine," I pleaded.
She nods in response, her legs wrapping around my waist as I carry us into our room. A small wave of pain washes over me, but I don't let it show I can barely feel it, pleasure taking over any other feeling.
I carry us to my bed, her lips not once leaving mine. I tower over her as she lays on the bed, her elbows holding her up. I pull my shirt over my head, tossing it on the floor.
She watches me with dark eyes, her face flushed but she still finds it in her to shake her head in disapproval. "We can't- you can't. You're still healing, I don't want to hurt you."
"You could never hurt me, angel." Her eyes widen at the nickname, a small smile forming on her lips but it drops almost right away. I almost shocked myself with the name as well, it's been so long since I last called her that out loud.
"You don't know that," she shakes her head. "You still haven't-"
"I'm fine," I rolled my eyes. "I wouldn't have let it lead this far if I was in pain."
"Oh really?" She raises her brows, her tone implying that she doesn't fall for my lie.
"I'm fine," I let the lie roll out of my lips easily, her eyes soften as I lean in to kiss her again. "Promise."
"Okay," she breathes into my lips. Her hands reached for my neck, pulling me in closer. "We have to go slow, promise me you'll take it easy."
"Mhm," I murmured against her lips, a small smile tugging on my lips at the intimacy. I can't explain how or why, but every time I kiss her it feels like an apocalypse happening in my body. The world around us can catch on fire and I wouldn't notice, that's how distracting and addicting she was.
"That's not a promise, Harry," she scolds me, but there's still a hint of playfulness in her tone.
I rolled my eyes. "I promise," my hand brushes away her hair. "Now let me kiss you, I missed you."
"I missed you too," she kisses me back almost instantly.
I smile in the kiss, my hands reaching for her leather jacket and quickly taking it off of her body, I toss it on the floor, not breaking the kiss once. I pull away, my hands now reaching for the hem of her shirt, pulling it over her head, and tossing it down along with the jacket.
I take my time admiring how she looks, she notices my staring, her cheeks turning a light shade of red. "You're so fucking beautiful."
She smiles, pulling me closer by the waistband of my black shorts. She quickly pulls them down until they fall to my ankles, I use my foot to toss them aside. I unzip her jeans next, doing it as quickly as possible. Her shoes are off next, and she's right in-front of me in nothing but a pair of white bra and underwear, looking like an actual angel in front of my eyes.
There's a deep feeling of intimacy and closeness between us, you can feel it in the air, in the way she kisses me or looks at me. You can feel the neediness and desperation in the way we kiss, but despite that, we still move slowly and take our time. It's been so long since I last had her like this, I just want to savor the moment for as long as possible.
My heart flutters in my chest, almost as if it's about to explode. I can't believe she's here right now. It almost feels unreal, like a dream and if it is I don't want to wake up anytime soon. I feel like I've drifted off into another world when she kisses me again. Unreal, she's so unreal. I'm going to spend the whole night holding her close to me like an unspoken prayer, going to spend the whole night worshiping her. It's what she deserves.
My shaky hands move to her back, unclasping her white bra. "So so fuckin' beautiful," I murmur again, completely in awe of her beauty.
She was so unrealistically beautiful, from the color of her hair to her bright eyes and her red lips she was so bewitchingly seductive. She had me in the palm of her hand, I'd do whatever she asked me to do. I'd risk it all just to hold her like this forever. I was a slave to her beauty, now that she had me I never wanted her to let me go.
I press my lips on her soft skin, trailing them from the base of her neck down to her chest. She moans in response, I let my tongue trail over each breast, admiring how perfectly sculpted her body was. I could do this forever and never get tired of it, she was so heavenly, so divine that I almost found religion in the curves of her body.
"Is this okay? Are you okay?" I asked, my hand freezing right over her stomach.
"Mhm," she murmured under her breath.
"Words, cherié. I want to hear you say it."
"Yes, yes," she breathes out almost instantly, making me smile in return. "Please."
"Please what?" I raised an eyebrow, slowly sliding her underwear down to her ankles, and tossing them aside. I look up at her again. "Tell me what you want and I'll give it to you, angel."
"You," she whines as my cold fingers trail up her bare thighs, slowly reaching down to her spot where she was most aching for me. I continue teasing her until she gives me the answer I'm longing for. I let my fingers trace slowly close to her core but did not touch her yet. "I want you," she pleads again. "I need you, please."
I don't know how this night managed to do such a turn, but I don't mind it. It was better than anything else I expected, and I never wanted it to end.
"So needy for me," I smirked, my lips meeting hers again, my right hand slowly slipping down between her legs. She gasps at the contact, revealing the moisture at the touch of my fingers. "So wet for me, and I didn't even have to do anything, yeah?" I let my fingers edge at her entrance, which only earned me a few frustrated gasps and pleading whines from her. I could listen to her pleading voice over and over again and never get tired of it, especially knowing it's me who makes her feel that way. It was agonizing to keep teasing her like this, especially knowing how badly I needed her, but at the same time, I wanted to take my time. I wanted to listen to her pleading voice for hours, I wanted to let my hands roam at the curves of her body until I had them memorized in my brain. I wanted to savor this night as much as I could. "Tell me you mine, Liz. Tell me that I'm the only one who gets to have you like this, that I'm the only one who gets to touch you, the only one who can make you feel this good."
"I'm all yours," her eyes fluttered open, her chest moving up and down as breathless whimpers escaped her lips at the feeling of my fingers moving in and out. "All yours."
I hum at the sound of her voice, moving my fingers in and out as I wait to see which one gets me the most pleasurable reaction. Each time she moans louder and louder, the sound of her voice makes my boxers grow tighter each time. The pad of my thumb found her clit, moving in slow circular motions which owned me quiet whines with the mention of my name each time.
Her fingers found their way onto my shoulder, digging her nails into my skin I quietly moan at the impact at the same time as her. I watch as she's unraveling herself before me, her hand tilting backward on the pillow as her eyes flutter shut in pleasure. Her jaw opens slightly, small moans escaping her lips as I move my fingers faster this time.
"I'm so close," she opens her eyes wide, her legs starting to shake as she slowly unravels under me. Her finger digs even deeper into my shoulders until I'm sure it will leave marks.
"Come for me angel," I breathe out with her, my lips lowering down to her neck where I leave permanent marks on her soft skin. Her body was like a canvas waiting for me to leave my art all over it. She lets me leave marks all over from her neck down to her chest, letting me mark hers as mine. Her skin will be covered in purple love marks by tomorrow, a small reminder of what we did tonight.
"That's it, baby," I hum as she comes hard and fast on my fingers, her body trembling as loud breaths escape her soft lips. "So so good for me," I mumbled in the crook of her neck, my hand moving away from between her thighs.
"Open your mouth," the words sound assertive coming from my lips, but my tone couldn't be more gentle when saying them. Either she obliges, opening her mouth as I bring my fingers up to her tongue. She sucks my dampened fingers gently, her tongue running over the skin which has my stomach twisting into knots. A small groan escapes my lips, my eyes fluttering shut as she continues to suck my fingers clean. "Fuck," I groaned out. "I can't wait for you to do that to my cock." She moans out at my words, her sound making my dick go harder.
I stay quiet admiring how she looks right now. When she's done she grabs my wrist, popping my fingers out of her mouth she brings my wrist down to my side. "I need you now, please don't make me beg." Despite how pleading her words were, her tone couldn't have come out as more assertive.
"As much as I'd love to hear you beg I'm gonna have to save that for another time," I responded as her hands moved down to the hem of my boxers, helping me pull them down. "I've missed you so fucking much."
As much as I wanted to hear her begging for me to touch her- to fuck her I was going to have to wait for another day. Right now I was drowning desire and desperation, I needed her right now. I don't know how much longer I could hold on.
My forehead dropped on top of hers, my lips moving to hers. Our kiss was full of desperation and neediness, we were moving faster than before. Our teeth were clashing against one another almost as if we couldn't get enough of it. Her hands move down to my back, nails gently digging into my skin as she moans into my mouth.
I move my cock away from my lower stomach, now positioning it between her legs. A sharp breath released from her lips, her head tilting back again as I dragged through her slickness.
"You feel so incredible, Liz," I told her softly which made her cheeks flush in return. Her head tilts back again, her eyes fluttering shut as I let my hips roll forward. "Look at me," I breathed out heavily. "I want to see you, I want to see how good I'm making you feel."
She moans out heavily and right after her lips move to mine in a flash. I move my hips forward again, this time harder than the last. Her hands make it to my back again, her nails dig into my skin, roaming around my back until I'm sure there are scratch marks all over it. This time I took my sweet time kissing her, she tasted like mint, a familiar taste I had grown to miss these past few days, and that and the smell of her cherry perfume was enough to make my head swim. Her mouth opened again, lips parting as I welcomed my tongue inside, a small moan erupting from the back of her throat.
I let myself move slower this time as I promised her moments ago, allowing myself to savor the sweetness of having her back. I am slowly becoming addicted to her, the way she felt and tasted was way better than anything drugs could ever provide me. She brought me a new kind of ecstasy, an unfamiliar, but good feeling of euphoria I've never reached with coke before. We were both becoming very breathless by the second, but neither one had the resilience to pull away.
Her left hand stayed on my back, pain shooting through my bare skin, exploring my mouth with her tongue. I feel her right hand pull away, quickly moving to my sweaty curls as she tugs on them. Pain shot through my scalp and back at the aggression of her touch, but it was addictive. It was so addictive it had me begging for more.
"Do it harder," I breathed into her mouth, my voice coming out in a desperate plea.
She does as I say, hands tugging on my hair harder as I start to move faster. I move my lips down to her neck, slowly sucking on the sweet spot behind her ear which has her moaning harder. This was it, I think this was where my lips belonged on her body and nowhere else.
I belonged to her.
I like to think that the night we met the stars and fate aligned together, allowing her to find her way right to me. It's cliche, but I didn't care. Nothing in my life made sense except for her. I was unsure of a lot of things except for the fact that we belonged together. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
"Harry." My name coming from her lips sounded like a soft prayer, enough for my head to start to swim. "I'm close."
I opened my eyes to look at her, she looked both devilish and heavenly under me, it almost made no sense how someone could do both so beautifully. But, now that I've looked at her, I don't ever wanna look away again.
I keep my eyes on her the whole time, her body trembling underneath me as mine does the same. Right here the lines between us blur; I blur into her. I appeared in her, and she appeared in me, our souls were the same, we belonged together I didn't want it any other way.
I conjoined our hands together, my hands dropping to her shoulder, leaving small kisses on the soft skin. I push in a little harder this time, a pleasurable cry escaping from her lips at the intensity of the feelings between us. I rolled in my hips again, this time going further than last time until it leaves us both moaning in pleasure and desperation.
"Gonna come on my cock" I moaned out into her lips. "Can you do that for me?" I feel our hipbones collide, I was so close to her, not a single barrier between us but somehow it still wasn't enough. I started moving faster, a pace that was quicker than the last but one that was slow enough not to cause any pain in my broken ribs. I was trying my best to go as slow as she wanted but fuck it was hard when she looked that good under me. "That's it, baby, let go," I kissed her again, quietly mumbling into her lips.
Serenity, pleasure, peace, and calmness all flow in the small space between the two of us. I kiss her one last time, pulling out of her which makes her hiss out at the absence. "I know, I know," I reassured her. "You're okay." A multitude of emotions overwhelm my body, all good of course, now that she's with me.
"How do you feel? You okay?" I asked, falling into the space right next to her, overwhelmed with exhaustion and the emotions flowing in my body.
"More than okay," she heavily breathes out. There's a brief pause of silence between the two of us were the only thing you could hear was the both of us heavily breathing and the loud beating of our hearts. She turns her head around, her eyes facing me. "I'm gonna have to use your shower to clean up."
"Go ahead," I sent her a small smile.
She sits up from her spot on the bed, sitting on the edge, she hesitates for a second but then she turns her head around to face me again. "Are you gonna join me?"
She didn't need to ask me twice, I jumped out of the bed in an instant following her to the bathroom. She chuckles at my reaction, turning on the water.
She walks into the shower and I follow in right behind her, hot water burns my skin as soon as I step inside but she seems not to care. "Jesus, Liz, that's burning hot," I hissed out, reaching over to the faucet as I tried to switch the water to a colder setting.
I'm soon interrupted by a small slap on my wrist, my hand gently pushed away by Liz as she shakes her head. "It's not even that hot, you're just being dramatic," she rolls her eyes.
She stands right under the shower, water running down her hair as she gently runs her hands through it. She reaches for one of my shampoos, opening the bottle but I stop her before she can squeeze it into her palm.
"Can I?" I point to the bottle.
She hands it back to me with a small smile, I squeeze the thick liquid in the palm of my hands before moving my hands on her short hair. I take my sweet time running my hands through her hair, not wanting to let the moment of small intimacy pass away so soon.
I'm scared that she'll leave again, run away from me if I say or do the wrong thing again. These past few weeks without her have been hollow, I got so used to being around her that I almost forgot what life before she came around felt like.
She moves back under the shower, water dripping from her hair down to her body as the shampoo washes away. Once it's gone she opens her eyes and looks at me again. "You disappeared for a second, what are you thinking about?"
"You," I replied almost instantly.
"Me?" She quirks an eyebrow up, a small smile tugging on her lips. "What about me?"
"Liz, I want to be with you," the words rolled out of my tongue with such ease it almost shocked me that I didn't even waste a second to think it through. I know this wasn't the time and place to say such a thing but I didn't want to wait any longer. I needed her to know how badly I wanted her.
Her eyes went wide at my words, almost making me regret ever saying it in the first place, but once a smile was plastered on her flushed face I knew I didn't lose her again. "Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?" A small chuckle escapes her lips.
"Is that something you want?"
"I'm surprised you even had to ask that." Her words wash away any regret I felt prior, relief swimming in my body. "Isn't it too soon though?" Her voice turns to serious, any humor that laced it prior was now gone.
I shake my head. "I don't want to waste a single second away from you again."
"Good," she moves away from under the shower and steps closer to me, her lips hovering over mine as she speaks up again. "Cause these past three weeks without you have been hell." She kisses me again, harder than ever before.
We spent almost an hour in the shower, laughing at the most random things, kissing under the burning water, or helping each other wash away the soap from our bodies. The level of intimacy that I've reached with Liz in these past few months is one that I never quite had, or felt when I was with April. Even though she and I were together for almost a whole year we never did half of the stuff Liz and I did in a matter of a few months.
April and I never kissed unless we were having sex, and yet Liz and I do it at the most random times without it having to lead to something sexual. It was an intimate affection that I never shared with April. I never had drunk conversations with April about our pasts, I couldn't open up to her in the same way that I've opened up to Liz. I never showed her my art room or any of my paintings, that was a personal thing that I never wanted anyone to see yet I showed Liz without a second thought. I never took April to any of the "secret" places I went to when things got too tough in life, yet I had no problem taking Liz there.
The time I spent with April was longer than the one I've had with Liz so far, yet the level of comfort and affection I have with Liz is one that I never had with April. I thought I loved April, but what I feel towards Liz is stronger than the love I thought I felt for the other girl. It's all so confusing, but then again I was drunk or high half of the time I was with April so my feelings and memories are doubtful. But if there's one thing I'm sure of is that I never want to lose Liz. I'm never gonna turn to drugs or alcohol again when things get too tough because I don't want to make the same mistakes I did with April.
I didn't treat April right, even after I claimed I loved her but with Liz, I'd give her the world in an instant if she just asked me for it.
"Do you have any clothes I can borrow?" Liz's voice brings me out of my dark thoughts, her hands wrapping around the white towel on her body.
"Yeah give me a second," she nods and I walk out of the bathroom and straight to my closet.
I picked out a pair of black boxers and a Pink Floyd tee for her. Changing into a pair of boxers myself I walk out of the closet, when I walk back into my room Liz is seated on the edge of the bed, towel wrapped around her body still as she types something quickly on her phone.
"This okay?" I hand her the clothes, and she turns off her phone, looking at me she nods and takes them from my hands.
I watch as she disappears into the bathroom, seconds later she walks out with the shirt that reaches down to her thighs. She jumps into bed, lying in the space next to me.
I grab her waist, pulling her closer to me until her head lands on my chest. I play with her hair in my fingers, a smile forming on my lips at the sweetness of this moment. If I could freeze time and stay with her forever like this, I would.
"You drive me insane, Liz," I whispered quietly under my breath I almost doubted if she heard me.
"I'm not exactly sane when I'm with you either, H." A smile reached my face again at her words and the mention of the name.
"Promise me you won't run off on me again."
"You're stuck with me now," she looks up at me, her smile so wide it reaches her eyes. "There's no getting rid of me again."
//
a/n: i know the smut wasn't the best but they're officially a couple so that makes up for it.
they're so cute i wonder how i can ruin it again 😻