TW: this chapter contains mentions of drug abuse and relapse, if I need to write a summary at the end for this chapter and the rest that contain similar content please let me know.
USA: 1-800-662-HELP
UK: +441483944367
SPAIN: 900 16 15 15
ITALY: 39 800 186070
CANADA: 1-800-663-1441
POLAND: 800 199 990
these are some numbers of hot lines I could find online, take care of yourselves.
Sending you lots of love <3
LIZ'S P.O.V
I got fired from my job the next day.
I knew that me getting fired was inevitable, nobody would want a journalist with a dirty reputation. But, I guess a part of me hoped it wouldn't have happened this soon. I still haven't found the time to process everything in my head, between the video getting leaked and me getting fired I was an emotional wreck.
I got the news the morning after I woke up in Louis' house. I spent the night there along with Lexi and Niall, the three of us stayed in the pool for hours before the rain got too harsh and we were forced to move back inside.
The rest of the night we spent cuddled up on the couch, watching The Office until we all fell asleep at around 3 a.m. I was woken up four hours later to the annoying sound of my phone ringing nonstop. Most of the calls were from Zayn, I ignored all of them and only responded to the one's from my boss.
The moment I read his name on my screen I knew what was coming, God, I just hated that it had to happen so soon.
Two hours later I was back in my office, packing up my stuff with tears in my eyes. The moment I walked inside I got dirty and judgmental looks from everyone, it made me want to crawl inside a hole and never come back out. I've never felt this bad about myself before. I pitied myself, but I also hated myself for how stupid and reckless I got that night.
I packed up all of my stuff along with Jess's help. She's always been the only person with whom I was able to make friends here, from the moment I walked into this office to now she's always been kind.
A part of me loved her because of how much she reminded me of Candice.
I looked around my office one last time, with sorrow filling my chest I walked out without looking back. I felt everyone's judgmental eyes on me, but somehow I managed to ignore them as I walked to the elevator.
Seconds later I was back on the first floor, walking through the empty halls in silence.
I managed to speed walk to my car, shoving my stuff in the backseat before I got in the driver's seat. I drove out of the parking lot and made my way to Harry's house.
I haven't talked to him yet, and I wasn't planning on doing it anytime soon. He called me multiple times last night, and I ignored every single call. Every message he sent was left unanswered, a part of me felt guilty for doing that, and another part of me didn't care as much.
I just needed the time to process everything myself, between the tape, getting fired, the gala, and the contract I needed to be left alone.
When the time comes I'll talk to him, I just don't know if I'll forgive him.
I made it to his house, with anxiety filling every bone in my body. I parked my car right next to the unfamiliar one that seemed to take up space in the front yard. I walk out of my car, staring at the orange one next to me.
I swallow harshly, opening the front door only to be met with complete silence once I step inside. I looked around the hallway, the kitchen, and the living room, but no one was there, not even Willow who usually runs at the sound of the front door opening.
"Liz," a voice echoes down the hallway, but it's not Harry's. "Thank God you're here."
I turn around, my eyes meeting a very anxious and apprehensive Zayn. His face is paler than usual and his eyes are covered red, his skin completely taken by the harsh underbags under his tired eyes.
"Where's Harry?" I ask.
"In his room," he stopped right in front of me, avoiding eye contact as he stammers over his words. "Look... he's-"
"Is he okay?"
"That's what I was calling you about." He swallows harshly, and immediately I'm apprehensive about his next words. "He got in a little bit of an accident."
My heart speeds up, my eyes wide open as I stare at him. "A-accident?" I pause, and he nods. "What kind of accident?"
"Last night he drove out to look for you..." he pauses and I already feel my heart ache in my chest. "I guess the rain was too harsh, and he was completely out of it, his car swerved off the road and-"
"Oh my god." My palm slams over my trembling lips, tears feeling my tired eyes as I stare at Zayn in disbelief. "Why isn't he in the hospital?"
He's hurt, and it's because of me. It's all my fault.
"He was, we came back early this morning, he refused to stay there, he kept fighting the doctors about it and after a while, they gave up and let him leave. He has a few cuts and bruises, a sprained wrist, and broken ribs, he's fine, he just needs to take it easy for the next few weeks."
"Oh God." Suddenly my vision starts uncontrollably spinning, my heart starts to pound in a fast rhythm as my breathing matches along with it.
It's all my fault.
"He's fine, I promise he's fine..." he suddenly stops, his brown eyes meeting mine as he holds back the next words.
"But what?"
"They found drugs in his system, a lot of them, he didn't overdose or anything, it's just that-" he inhales a sharp breath, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration as he searches for his next words.
I stare at Zayn with confusion and uncertainty. It wasn't a shock to anyone that Harry liked getting high, which is why I'm confused on where he's leading with this. I've spent months with Harry and in that time I've seen him get high a lot, it never got easy watching somebody you care about put themselves through that but at one point you get used to seeing it. I wanted to help him, but you can't help someone who doesn't want any help.
"I don't understand?"
He bites his bottom lip anxiously, silence lingering in between us until he suddenly blurts out the words with a shaky breath. "He was clean for a whole month."
My heart sinks to my stomach. "Why would he do that-" I cried out, but Zayn stops me before I could finish the rest of my sentence.
"We got invited to another gala," Zayn lets out a sad chuckle, letting his left hand run through his messy hair. He watches me with such intense sorrow it feels like a stab wound to the chest. "None of us expected it, it wasn't supposed to happen for a very long time."
I knew about the gala, and for some reason it slipped my mind that the rest of my friends could be invited along with me.
"Is he awake now?"
"No, not yet," he pauses. "You can go see him though, someone needs to stay with him. I have something to take care of. Please call me when he wakes up."
"Yeah- yeah, okay." He gives me a sad smile, barely lasting a second before he walks out of the house.
I'm left alone in the silence, my feet hesitatingly walking towards Harry's room. I grip the door handle, slowly opening the door until I'm met with darkness and the sounds of heavy breathing ricocheting in the room.
I walked inside, my back pressed against the door as it quietly closes. I stayed like that for a little bit, leaning against the door as my eyes roam around the room.
It was dark, the blinds completely blocking out the sun from getting in, but it was enough for me to make out his figure. I move my eyes away from him, bitting my lip in anxiety as I walk towards the windows.
My trembling hands pull at the blinds until some sunlight comes in. The room was still dark, but this time I had enough light to notice all of the cuts and bruises on his skin.
My palm slams to my lips, containing the sobs that were threatening to escape. My eyes followed every small cut on his face, they were still fresh, covered in red that but once they start to heal they'd be easy to cover up with some makeup with how small they were. I moved my gaze down to his torso that was barley covered up with any blankets, my body wincing at the sight of his bruised skin around his ribs. I started at the purple forming under his tattoos and wonder how the doctors let him leave so soon.
I pull one of the chairs he had in his room closer to the bed, my body immediately relaxes into the soft material as soon as I sit down. I sent Lexi a quick text telling her I wouldn't be coming back tonight, after that I turned off my phone not wanting any kind of distractions.
I pulled my legs close to my chest, my arms wrapped around them as my head leaned over my knees. I stayed and watched him like that for what felt like hours.
I don't know how much time went by, my eyes stayed glued on him the whole time. I watched the way his chest rose up and down with every breath he took, and a part of me winced at the idea that he might be in pain just by breathing. I watched the way his long eyelashes fluttered every once in a while as he moved in his sleep, again the idea that he might be in pain from the slightest of movement terrified me. I counted every breath he took, the way his lips parted, or how pale his skin was compared to usual. I stared at him until I had every feature of his face engraved in my mind until I could close my eyes and see his face staring back at me.
Despite how rough his body looked with the cuts and bruises, he still looked calm in his sleep. Someone or something out there definitely took their sweet time creating him, his beauty was so unrealistically mesmeric that even in tough times like this he didn't lose his spark.
He had this bright aura around him that made me feel warm, but I guess the sun had a way of doing that.
That's just who he was.
He felt like seeing the sun for the first time after a dark winter, or a rainy day. He felt like the full moon, shining light into the dark sky along with the stars.
He was a ray of bright light.
He brought light into my life without even trying. It's what made all of this so much harder, a part of me believed that he had nothing to do with the video being leaked, and another part of me didn't trust him as much.
I was so conflicted, there was a waging war in my mind and I didn't know which part to trust. Logically it made sense in my mind for him to be behind the video being released to the rest of the world, nobody else knew about it besides him and I, so it only made sense, right? But then the other part of me couldn't believe that he'd do something like that, not after everything we've been through.
I could feel my mascara run, my head was a mess, and seeing him like this only made it worse.
A loud groan managed to pull me away from my thoughts. "I hope you know, this whole watching me while I sleep thing is starting to get really creepy," his raspy voice echoing in my ears sent a breath of relief to come out of my mouth.
I let my legs drop to the floor, my hands in my lap as I stared at him with sad eyes, "How do you feel?" I watch as he tries to move, resting his elbows on the bed as he tries to brace his back against the bed frame. I get up from my seat, moving towards the bed to help him, "Do you need anything?"
"I need to sit up," he groans out, clearly in pain.
"Maybe it's best if you don't move," I hold him by his shoulders, trying to be as gentle with my touch as I help him sit up.
"I'm fine," he breathes out, his head leaning backward until it touches the white wall. His eyes stare up at the ceiling, inhaling small breaths that tell me he's in a lot of pain, he's just too stubborn to admit it.
"Your ribs are broken and bruised, your wrist is sprained and your face is covered in cuts," I tell him, my eyes still glued on him. "That doesn't seem fine."
"No?" He turns his head until his eyes meet mine, clear amusement hiding behind the dark green, which only makes me shake my head in response. "It's looks pretty badass though."
"It's not badass, you almost killed yourself," I try to hide the pain in my voice, but the words still come out like a broken record.
"I'm not that lucky." No amusement in his voice this time, not a sense of humor in the words, which only makes me wince in response as I fight back the tears blinding my vision.
"Don't say that," I fire back.
"It's the truth," his voice lacks so much emotion it's terrifying. I don't respond, instead, I only stare at him but his gaze never finds mine, uncomfortable silence lingers in our room until he decides to speak up again. "I didn't release the video, I promise you."
"We'll talk about that later," I drop my gaze down to the floor.
"No," he shakes his head. "I want to talk about it now."
"Later, please, you need to rest now."
He doesn't respond, and for a quick moment, his eyes find mine before he looks away again. But in that quick second, I could see how much pain he was trying to hide, he might've been making jokes for the past few minutes but the look in his eyes was contradicting every word he uttered.
"I'm hungry," he blurts out, pushing the covers away from his body as he starts to move.
I widen my eyes, jumping out of my chair to stop him. "Don't move, stay here, I'll make you something." I press my hands against his shoulders, stopping him from moving but my plan doesn't work when he grabs my wrists in one hand.
"Sorry Liz, you're a horrible cook, and I'd rather not get food poisoning on top of all of this." He drops my wrists, getting up from the bed slowly. A small wince escapes his lips, and when I try to help him again he brushes me off.
"I'm not that bad," I roll my eyes.
"Liz, baby, I lo-, I like you a lot but cooking isn't a specialty of yours."
A small blush creeps onto my face as I follow right behind him. I tried to lend him a hand or hold his arm in support but he just brushed me off again. He walked slowly down the stairs, and with each step, I could tell his body was in a lot of pain but he refused to admit it, and most of all he refused help.
We slowly walked into the kitchen, Willow was lying on the cold marble floor right by the oven. Once she saw us she ran our way, this time ignoring Harry and going straight towards me.
I picked her up, giving her a small kiss on the head as I held her tightly in my arms while Harry moved around in the kitchen picking up different ingredients for the food.
"I missed you so much baby," I whispered to Willow, holding the cat closer to my chest. I walk towards the kitchen with her still in my arms, my eyes following all of Harry's moves as he pours water into the small pot.
"What are you making?" I ask, walking closer to him.
"Pasta," he replies, putting the water over the stove before he moves to cut the tomatoes he picked up from the fridge.
"I could've easily done that," I roll my eyes. "You didn't need to get up and do it all yourself."
"Mhm," he hums under his breath in amusement, "Last time you tried you set off the fire alarm."
I ignored his words. "Do you need help with anything?" I place Willow back onto the floor, moving right beside him.
"No, it's fine."
"Okay," I mutter under my breath, this time walking away from him and taking a seat by the table.
I sat in silence watching his every move, every time he moved it was so clear that he was in pain and it was killing me that he was acting like everything was okay. I know I ran off last night, and it was my fault that he even got in the accident in the first place, but I just wish he'd talk to me first.
Our relationship wasn't simple to begin with, and I'm scared that it will only get more complicated from here. I'm still in a battle with my feelings and thoughts. Logically I need to be on my own to figure out what I even want, but I'm also scared that if we take time out he'll get bored, or find someone better, someone who could stay and give him what I can't. I'm terrified, and I don't know what I want.
I felt happiness because of him, and I'm scared that if I walk away I'll never find that feeling again.
And I might be getting all over my head, but after last night I'm sure he'll never want to do anything with me again. I left without hearing him out, and the moment I did he got hurt.
If I were him, I wouldn't want me either.
I sigh, pushing the chair away and walking out to the backyard. I sit down on one of the poolside chairs, my hands pulling out the cigarettes from my back pocket.
I place the stick between my lips, lightning with my right hand, inhaling the deadly smoke I stare off into the distance.
The silence that lingered in the cold air was only making me more anxious, my thoughts could get very dark when I was left alone without anything to distract me, and right now I was a huge mess.
I'm scared, so fucking scared, if Harry did release the video I don't know how, or if, I could ever forgive him. But also another part of me is screaming at me, telling me that he'd never do anything like that, and I want to listen, I do, but I've learned that when you put too much trust in people they always hurt you in the end.
"I made some for you," Harry walks out into the backyard, placing a plate of pasta on the small table right next to me.
I smile at him thankfully, avoiding as much eye contact as I can. I can feel him sit down on the chair next to me, his eyes on me but I ignore them.
I don't know if he'll ever forgive me for last night, and I don't know if I could ever forgive him for the video.
I need some time apart from him, and as much as I'm terrified that he'll move on and forget about me, I know that if we never talk or meet again I'd be fine. I hope that we'll find our way back to each other again, but also if it's not meant to be I'll find a way to heal, I always do.
"Can we talk?" I turn around to face him, his eyes narrow at me as he nods slowly. "I think we need some time apart," I try my best to keep holding eye contact with him, but the way the hope in his eyes flashed away the moment I said that made it so much harder. "I'll be staying with Lexi, I just think I need to be on my own for a little bit."
"I told you, Liz, I didn't release the video, I'd never do that-"
I stop him, shaking my head, "I wish I could believe you, I do, trust me."
"So why don't you?" He fires back almost instantly, I shake my head, my eyes meeting the floor as I anxiously pick at the skin around my nails until it starts to bleed. When I don't respond he talks again, this time much calmer, "If my words aren't enough I'll find another way to prove to you I had nothing to do with the video."
"It's not just the video Harry," I inhale a shaky breath, trying to be as gentle as possible with my next words. "Why didn't you tell me you were sober for a month?" I look up again, my fingers still picking at my skin as I wait for his response.
I know this could be a touchy subject, and I wasn't going to push him for an answer if he didn't want to talk about it. I just wish he'd told me about it soon, a month was a huge deal, and I just want to tell him how proud I was.
"It wasn't a big deal," he shrugs his shoulders. But even if he tries to act like it's not that huge, his tone contradicts it. "I ruined it anyways."
I shake my head, getting up from my seat and instead finding my way next to him. "It is a huge deal, a whole month is a big deal and please don't say that you ruined it, because you didn't. You relapsed and that's okay, it's part of the recovery which takes time and patience. It's a long process that can't be done overnight, relapsing doesn't erase that success, so please don't let it discourage you. I'm proud of you, H."
"You are?" He asks, his eyes glistening with hope as I smile, my head leaning down on his shoulder gently.
"I am." A small smile tugs on my lips for a quick second. "Don't sell yourself short, a whole month is a huge accomplishment and I am proud of you for it. I hope you know you didn't have to go through it alone, and I know you didn't have to tell me but I wish you had, I could've been there for you."
"Thank you." I almost missed the words with how quietly he said them under his breath.
"Look..." I move my head away from his shoulder, my eyes meeting him again. "I know I said we need some time apart, but if it ever gets too hard, or you need someone to talk to, please talk to me. You don't have to go through this alone, I'll be just a phone call away if you need me."
"Thank you," he mutters again.
"I'll be staying in the guest room tonight, I'll call Zayn to check up on you in the morning once I leave." My stomach turns into knots just by uttering those words.
I hope he had nothing to do with the video, I also hope he finds a way to prove it because I've learned that words mean nothing.
I also hope he can forgive me for leaving, I just really need some time to process everything alone.
I also hope that something, or someone out there fights for us to be together. I think I'll be fine if we don't go back to how we used to be, but I also hope we do.
He made me happy, I'm not ready to let go off that completely yet.
//
Don't hate me, I'll fix this mess soon... kind of.. hopefully.
I've been re-writing this chapter all week and i hated every single version. Writers block sucks, i was on the verge of deleting the whole story with how frustrated i got.
sending you lots of love <3 hopefully i can upload the next chapter sometime in the middle of this week.