When the call goes to voicemail, Sam makes them both a cup of tea to settle their nerves. She waits patiently for Lena to say what's on her mind.
"Wh- what made you and Alex think there was something wrong with Kara?"
"Well, it seemed like she had been running for most of the day. Alex made it seem like that was weird for her."
"But... she runs all the time. She's told me her distances. Isn't she training?"
"I don't know, Lee." Sam takes a sip of the steaming hot coffee. "But it's more than that. She... well, she wasn't answering Alex's questions and seemed just... off. I don't know how to explain it. It was-"
"Was what, Sam?" Lena's voice takes on a fresh edge of concern.
Sam takes a deep breath as she puts down her mug to plant her hands on the counter, as if to steady herself. "It was like on the beach... She freaked about causing one of your panic attacks, and I had to calm her down to focus. She had the same look in her eyes, like guilt or concern or... something. I don't know her as well as you or Alex, but... something was there."
Lena's heart rate spikes again. Guilt. What could Kara be feeling guilty about? If anything, it should be Lena with all the guilt. They had been doing so well together, and she just had to ruin it. She's destroying her relationship; she feels guilty about pulling Sam away from Ruby. Her company has been more or less abandoned since her first panic attack in years. She should've paid more attention to Kara this morning. She should have at least stopped to look at the woman before going into work. Maybe then she would've seen something... noticed something. God... she just can't get anything right.
Lena can't even hear Sam's voice anymore. She falls into a full blown spiral. All she hears is her heartbeat and the harsh trill of the line ringing and ringing before Kara's cheery voicemail kicks in. Lena's shaky hands are quick to hang up and redial. She keeps doing it... over and over and over again. She can't stop until she can ask Kara herself if she's okay. Sam was right; she can't focus on herself if she's too busy worrying about the unknown with Kara. How could she not know that something was wrong this morning? Why didn't Kara come to her with anything after Kelly spoke with the blonde? Doesn't she know that Lena wants to be there for her as much as Kara has been there for her?
What if she just doesn't come back... ever?
Lena literally has to shake her head to try to dispel that thought. Her brain just keeps repeating over and over again that she should have noticed. She hadn't even heard Kara leave in the morning. Now... now, Lena doesn't know what's going on, but she knows that she trusts Sam's and Alex's judgements of Kara's demeanor. Something's wrong. And all Lena wants to do is fix it.
After about the dozen failed attempts to get through to Kara, Lena is quick to grab her keys and leather jacket. Sam tries to step in her way; Lena brushes past her to jam the elevator button. Sam is quick to squeeze in before the door closes. She lets out a heavy sigh.
"You are not in a state to drive. Give me the keys." Sam holds out her hand expectantly.
Lena glares at her, but the tears building up in her eyes diminish it's power. She wordlessly slaps them into Sam's awaiting palm. Sam sends her a smirk in response. In the tense silence, Sam whispers, "Alex went to find Kara. She's not alone, Lee."
Lena doesn't even acknowledge what Sam said. She can barely stand still; she's too full of nervous energy. As soon as the elevator opens in the parking garage, Lena takes off to her car, not waiting around to see if Sam was following. She practically flies into the passenger seat with her leg bouncing uncontrollably. Sam does the best she can to keep up with her best friend. Sam hurries along, but she doesn't dare speed or cut corners driving over to Kara's loft.
Lena barely waits for the car to be put into park before she's out the door and almost running up the stairs of the building. The moment she is just outside the apartment, she knocks incessantly. It feels like hours before the door cracks open with Alex peering out. Lena's eyes are teary and wide with worry. Alex's expression is not helping calm her. Lena practically forces her way in, not listening to a word that the eldest Danvers is saying.
"Kara? Kara?" Lena looks over from the kitchen to the living room to the dining room. Kara's apartment is only so big, so Lena is speed walking back to Kara's bedroom. She freezes in place once her eyes land on the huddled and crying blonde. Kara's clutching a pillow like her life depends on it, shrunk in on herself. It breaks Lena's heart. She utters in the quietest voice, "Oh, Kara..."
Whether Kara simply sensed a difference in the room or if Kara actually heard her will always be a mystery, but she raised her head out of her pillow to meet those caring, green eyes. It is like time came to a sudden stop. Kara's shuddering breaths are the only thing heard in the space. It's several moments before Kara can even get anything out of her mouth.
"I- I'm s- so, sorry."
Lena has to take a step back like those words were a physical blow. Why is Kara sorry? Lena should be the one apologizing for not noticing anything. The moment that she notices Kara's eyes dimming and losing any sort of hope with her tiny shuffle backwards, Lena sets to motion to immediately dispel any doubts. In three quick strides, Lena pulls back the sheets to slip into bed right next to the woman she loves.
Kara quickly dissolves into sobs. She physically holds herself back from clinging to Lena, at least until she feels Lena's arms wrap around her. Only after that does Kara abandon the pillow to embrace her girlfriend. She can't hear much over her cries, but she registers that Lena is softly hushing her between kisses to the crown of her head. She sinks into the comfort that Lena might not be mad at her anymore.
Lena has the flicker of a thought about Sam and Alex somewhere in the apartment, but she's quickly distracted with Kara trying to burrow herself deeper into Lena's arms. She can hear the soft whimpers as Kara tries to pull herself together. Lena moves them to lay down fully, feeling the exhaustion hitting them both. Kara's ran for the better part of the day while Lena worked herself down to the bone trying to get caught up with LCorp before panicking about the blonde's condition. It's not long before Kara falls boneless, dead asleep. Lena manages to stay awake for a few minutes longer, playing with blonde locks.
****************************
Alex and Sam give each other exasperated looks the moment Sam catches up to Lena at the door. She practically had to jog to make it in time before Alex closed it behind the ravenette.
"Hey, babygirl," Sam whispers while squeezing Alex's arms.
"Hey, Sammy. I didn't know you were coming."
"Lee had tried calling Kara in a panic. I convinced her to let me drive at least." Sam slips a few steps further into the apartment just to catch the last views of Lena before she steps further into the bedroom.
Alex watches her girlfriend and how she wishes she had xray vision to check in on her sister without invading the space. She slips her hand Sam's and tugs lightly. "Come on. Let's get out of here; give them space."
Sam bites her lip, hesitating slightly.
Alex reads the woman instantly. "They'll be okay, Sammy. Come on. We can stay at mine."
Sam follows the woman with a sigh. "Can we stop for booze on the way? I could use a drink with all the stress those two knuckleheads."
Alex chuckles in response. She raises Sam's hand to kiss the back of it. "Of course. Anything you want."
Alex almost immediately regrets the offer. Predictably, Sam arches her brow with a teasing smirk and in that tone husks out, "Anything, huh?"
Alex rolls her eyes before rubbing the back of her neck. She mutters, almost under her breath, "Only you can switch from exhausted and stressed to flirty in the blink of an eye."
"Well... you aren't wrong." Sam giggles to herself as she leans up against Alex.
Thankfully, the sisters live within a walking distance of each other. A liquor store is only a block out of their way, but both are glad that they can relax and unwind together over a drink or two. One would think that after the day they've had that it was in the middle of the night, but they are a little shocked to see so many people out. It's actually only the start of rush hour.
Once they are back and settled, Alex puts in an order for delivery while Sam immediately cracks open a couple bottles of beer. She silently hands one to Alex while taking a generous drink of her own. She's so exhausted, and it's not even like she's done much to justify it. She would never, ever resent Lena; she just has an enormous desire for the woman to be at peace for once in her life. She can't help but feel like her best friend's entire life was designed to just... suffer. And while it is firmly Sam's belief that no one should ever have to suffer, she feels particularly strong that Lena deserves it the least.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
Sam's eyes snap to Alex's. She sees the outstretched hand, cluing in that she missed something while lost in her head. She smiles softly before gently lacing her fingers with her girlfriend. She lets out a surprised huff when Alex pulls her onto the couch to cuddle. It makes her giggle even though she is still feeling... sad? Is that the right emotion? Probably not, but it's as close as she's going to get.
"I- I guess I was just stuck in my head... feeling awful for Lena. The moment that it truly clicked that something was wrong with Kara; it's like a switch had been flipped. She had been so worried and stressed and scared," Sam rambles quietly. Alex is playing with her hair, and Sam can't help but nuzzle into it.
Alex lets out a sigh of her own. "Oh, man. So Lena has no clue then? Why Kara's upset?"
Sam sits up suddenly. "Wait? Kara told you that quickly? You know what's wrong?"
"Yeah..." Alex looks at her with regret in her eyes. "I wasn't... wasn't sure if Kara's perception was the truth. Sh- she told me that Lena was upset about missing so much work because Kara's needed so much help..."
Sam's eyes lose their light. Her face drops. "Wait... what?"
Alex nods her head slowly. "Something was said this morning at Lena's session with Kelly. I don't know what exactly because Kara was upset when retelling. But Kara thinks that Lena blames her."
"Those two have some much they need to talk about..."
Their conversation is interrupted when their food arrives. They spend the rest of the night watching tv and taking comfort in one another.
****************************
Kara lets out a huff as her brain rises to consciousness. She doesn't want that. She just wants to fall back under, back to where she doesn't have to think or feel. She lays as still as possible, trying to will her brain to switch off. She doesn't have much luck. Her focus on falling back to sleep produces the opposite effect; her brain becoming more and more alert. Then, her stomach grumbles... loudly.
Lena lets out a low groan before shifting herself. Only then does Kara realize that Lena is spooning her from behind, with her hand pressing against the bare skin of her stomach. Her shirt must've rucked up in their sleep. There is a moment of peace that settles across the woman... before it hits her. Lena was mad at her... but she's here? She's here and looked upset last night to see Kara so upset... Kara's not looking forward to this talk.
Her stomach interrupts her train of thought again.
"I can literally feel your stomach gurgling." Lena scratches said stomach lightly with her dull nails.
Kara shivers as Lena's warm breath hits the back of her neck. Her lips are so close that Kara swears she feels the vibration fall straight from her mouth.
"Can we stay put for a few more minutes or do we need to get you fed?" Lena nuzzles closer, her lips pressing lightly against bronze skin.
Kara opens her mouth, but it takes a few moments for her to get her voice to work. She barely whispers, "Stay."
Lena hums happily as she tries to pull Kara even closer, snuggling even further into her girlfriend's neck. Her breath evens out as she falls easily into a light sleep. She's not even sure how awake she was to begin with.
Kara lays there, torturing herself internally. She tries to relax and enjoy this moment. This might be the last they have. Lena's probably going to decide that this is too distracting... or too much work... or a million other things. And Kara can't blame her. Her baggage affected them both, and it was only because of Lena that Kara got some closure. Kara lets out a heavy sigh. She can feel the tears welling up again. Not again. Her body shouldn't have anything left to cry out of her system.
It takes a moment, but Kara quickly notices that Lena started quietly making a hushing sound while soothingly rub her thumb up and down her ribcage. Kara's breath shudders. She practically melts when she feels Lena's lips apply more pressure to lightly kiss her neck.
"Alright, your brain is too active to lay here for a few minutes. Let's get you fed, and then we can talk. What time is it anyways?" Lena peels herself away from Kara to look for her phone. It says that's it's 11pm. They slept right through dinner. Lena crawls out of bed but frowns when she doesn't see Kara doing the same. Her heart breaks. She swallows down a lump forming in her throat, unsure and nervous about how this is going to go. She was hoping to postpone it for as long as possible, soaking up every second that she got to hold the blonde in her arms.
Lena strides to the other side of the bed and kneels down. She carefully swipes away the few tears that are trekking down her girlfriend's face. "Darling," she whispers. "I- I don't know what's wrong. I'm hoping you'll talk to me. I'm here... for whatever you need."
More tears spill. She can't possibly mean that.
Lena's eyes drop to the floor. She can't bare to look in those blue eyes for the next part. "I- If this is about... if you need to focus on yourself while I try to get- get my panic attacks and emotions under control... I- I understand."
Kara blinks with confusion. She lifts her head from the pillow, wanting nothing more to see those green eyes to try to decipher what Lena is saying.
"But... let's start with some food? I'd- I'd appreciate... a meal together." Lena want's one last one if Kara's going to ask for... a break... or a breakup. Lena stands up and moves to the kitchen. She doesn't wait to see if Kara follows. It would break her heart to know that she wasn't going to join her, but the least she can do is cook. She's rummaging around the fridge and the cabinets, seeing what's available. She doesn't hear Kara's quiet footsteps, but she feels the penetrating stare as she continues to rummage. She doesn't turn around until she hears the soft, vulnerable voice.
"Wh- what did you mean?"
Lena furrows her brow and tilts her head. Kara's quick to supplement her question.
"Focus on myself?"
Lena starts to fidget. She can't hold Kara's gaze so she starts to focus on chopping up vegetables instead. "I- I understand that I'm... I'm a lot. I come with a lot of baggage... And it feels like at every turn we make progress... I freak out. It has to be tiring for you because it's exhausting for me. It's a lot to ask of you to stay with me while you have your own things to work through." Lena's voice is so small by the end of the little speech.
There's a heaviness that fills the air. The only sound is the soft thud of the knife against the cutting board repeatedly.
"I- You- That's..." Kara stutters. "Lena..."
"It's okay, Kara. I get it." Lena knows that she can't hide how resigned her voice sounds. She used to hide behind an emotionless mask, but she's seemed to lost that ability completely.
"No, you don't," Kara says more firmly than she thought she could be capable of. "That's- that's not what I- what I was upset about."
Silence follows. Lena keeps prepping the food, not willing to look up.
"Lena, please... I- I want to be there for you, too. I know you are working through things. It kills me thinking about you going through it alone. It hurts to see you in the midst of a panic attack, but I want to be there. This- this wasn't about you working through everything..."
Lena takes a deep breath. She channels what Kelly's taught her. She's trying not to lash out; she's trying to understand. She owes that much at least. "Then what was it about?"
Kara steps forward and slumps into one of the stools at the breakfast bar. Her eyes look at the shaky hands that are trying to cut up an onion in even pieces. She takes a deep breath to steady herself. They had promised to voice their doubts and concerns to avoid situations like these as much as possible. "Y-you said that you had missed too much work... and that... that is because of me."
The thudding of the knife comes to halt. Silence fills the air. Kara doesn't even realize it, but she's holding her breath. She tries to steady her emotions to prepare herself for the blow of Lena inevitably leaving. She reflects back on the feeling of Lena holding her in bed. Her soothing strokes and her calming hushing. She clings to that feeling, expecting it to be the last.