Ryan woke me up in the kitchen last night, I wasn't sure why I was in there, or what had happened until Ryan explained it to me this morning and the fear of speaking was too extreme and I couldn't explain shit about what happened. I wanted to, my mind knew it was safe, it was my brain holding me back
Ryan explained the events of last night step-by-step to me, and although I wasn't aware or even conscious of my actions, I didn't blame my mind or brain for wanting to do that because I can never escape the memories.
These men are the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and it hurts that I can't share with them what I want to. I want to tell them how it is. I want to speak to them. I need their comfort. I need their love. I need their kisses and their love. But I can't escape the past year.
And something in my mind is stopping me from speaking and telling them. Part of it may be the fear of what would happen if I did speak because of what happened when William had me - even if my mind knew that they are nothing like him, and they are safe people. My brain didn't.
Oliver's mamma, Benedetta, came to me earlier and helped me, giving me advice and medication to help me deal with the withdrawal I was going through.
I feel like a passer-by in my own body. I don't feel like me anymore, it feels like I've long lost that person and it's so sad, because it feels like I've lost me...like I'm grieving the death of myself but I'm not dead? Maybe my spirit is dead, and I'm just a body? I don't know, and it's a hard feelings to explain. I'm just grieving the death of the girl I was last year. Because she's dead, she's gone. And it hurts so much
"Sweetheart?" Liam's soft voice called me as he came over to where I was sitting on Ryan's lap and sat next to us, pulling me out of my thoughts
"Where did you go just then, hmm?" He asked softly before continuing when he realised he wouldn't get an answer.
"Oliver wanted to ask you about something, do you mind coming with me? We're just going to him and the rest of the guys need to catch up with their families since we are going home soon" he asked and i nodded, he picked me up - not even allowing me to stand - as he took me to wherever we were going. I hadn't forgotten the way he sighed at me the other day when I didn't want to be left alone but after all I've been through that was minor and I'm probably overthinking it. I hope I'm overthinking it...
Arriving in a room, Oliver smiled and Liam sat us down before Oliver spoke
"How do you feel about starting to see a therapist and psychologist? We don't want to pressure you but we think it could be helpful." He asked and I took a breath before nodding at them. I would be eternally grateful for any help, anything to get me back, or even a fraction of me.
"I'll sort it out, thank you Trins. I love you, and I want to help you" he said with his voice thick with emotion and I froze.
It's been a while since I've heard those words from anyone in a genuine way, pair that with the meaning he had placed upon them and they felt so foreign and strange. At that place, every day I'd be berated and told I wasn't enough. Told I'd never be really loved and I never had been, that i was easy, that I was many different things.
And no matter how much I told myself those words weren't true they still affected me
Tears fell from my eyes. self doubt filled me alongside the happiness. He loves me. He really loves me?
"Mia Amata?" He asked as he came over and Liam was looking at me with concern. I tried to stop the tears, I really wanted to. I don't want to cry anymore
I opened my mouth to speak but my brain and voice box wouldn't activate I couldn't get words out. Oliver noticed and sat back a little
"Take your time Trins, we'll be here for you" he encouraged as I took a breath and focused. He slipped my hand into his, bringing me some comfort
You've got this Trinette. You can do this
I can't do this.
"We'll be here when you're ready" Liam reassured me and I felt so thankful that they were so gentle and kind. I really love these men, bu
Although James still puts me a little on edge, after what I've been through when William had me, him holding a gun whilst shaking and crying whilst in very obvious distress and conflict and devastation at himself paired with how he's been whilst I'm back, he's not a major fear source and I'm mostly over it. What I've been through the last year made that look like nothing. Im just grateful they took me back from William.
The room went quiet as I was deep in thought
We spent a while, just the three of us cuddling before the two men fell asleep. I suspected something was going on between the men when I saw the affection they displayed when it was just them. But I don't think they love me any less. in the way i love all of them, they love each other.
I remember the week leading up to me leaving, Liam had sort of come out but the guys were being assholes about it.
Internalised homophobia is a bitch, and it's horrible when people project their unhappiness onto others....but I'm glad they're all happy now. And I'm glad they had each other to lean on.
I still felt really unwell and groggy from not taking the injections anymore, and it was horrible. Fighting the grip that my guys had on me, I needed to rush to the bin or toilet. I hate throwing up or feeling sick in general so this is hell on earth.
-------------------------
⚠️🚨TW: SA🚨⚠️
-------------------------
The guys didn't let go of me when I tried to escape - their grips got tighter and I started panic, they wouldn't let me go. I froze as my mind took me back to Williams place and I felt as though I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't move, trapped in my place. My senses impaired just enough to prevent me from moving but not enough to completely knock me out. I knew what was happening, I was just trapped in my own body. A prisoner.
And as a special measure, they'd cuffed me to the wall after the last incident to ensure I couldn't move or attack the man. I was trapped in place.
One of his workers came towards me with predatory movements, and I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream as he attacked me.
His violent and aggressively rough hands started to touch me and roam my body. I felt ill as he touched me in places only my men were allowed. Only I was allowed. And it was painful both physically and mentally
For god sake. Why me? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?
I don't remember how long I was helpless for, how long the assault lasted. but it was too long. No one came to my rescue, No one came to help, No one listened to my screams.
No one cared enough to come and rescue me. Why would they? I'm a nobody. I don't matter.
I was brought back by Oliver shaking me awake and wiping my tears. I'd... I felt the need to shy away from his touch but I tried to force myself to accept it, I can't become a stranger to their touch. After a few seconds I had to throw him off me - not just because I felt ill, but because the physical contact repulsed me. And my heart ached at the look in his eyes.
But it wasn't long until I was rushing off to the bathroom to empty my guts.
Oliver followed me, wanting to ensure I was safe as he held stroked my back to try and help alleviate the pain. Afterwards I felt nothing but embarrassment, and he was just looking at me with soft, reassuring eyes and I sniffed the tears away.
A few hours later, we had moved to the main room with all the families in, Amadeo walked in and smiled at me. From what I gathered when I met him last Christmas, he was overall a good guy. Him and Ryan had some sort of conflict which I hadn't quite figured out but he was overall quite nice. I got along well with him.
"Ciao, Chiacchierona" He flashed a charming smile at me as he plopped down beside me and every single one of my men in the room glared at him. I hadn't seen him since I've been backed so welcomed him with the best smile I could, which was more of a straight lip than a smile, but he seemed to appreciate it all the same.
I nodded at the nickname, That's what he called me when I met him last year and talked his ear off whilst he listened to me chat away. Not sure what it meant though.
Obviously I can't talk now, but that will only be temporary. I won't allow it to be permanent. I can't allow that. I can't let myself live like this forever.
---
Posted: 02.10.23
My poor baby, she's really going through it....
I will say the book will be very up and down, like life there will be good moment and bad moments. She will get better one day!