"Are we going to talk about the fact that I messaged you and you completely ignored me?" he says, leaning against the wall. I light up and shake my head.
"I was hoping to avoid it, honestly." I say, exhaling.
"OK..." he says, shifting awkwardly.
I groan. "... I've been seeing a guy on and off for about a year... it's complicated... and even though we weren't - aren't - together, I wasn't ready to move on. I'm still not, to be honest."
He nods his head. "Fair enough... I don't want to come between anything. But if you're ever in that place, feel free to message me."
"Ok... I will." I smile and take another pull on my cigarette.
"You're the only girl I've ever met that makes smoking look sexy." he admits, and I can't help but blush.
"Real smooth..." I say, and he laughs.
"Yeah, not my finest, but it's true!"
"Glad to hear that my shortened life expectancy gets you going!" I retort and immediately place my hand over my mouth in shock. Shaun just laughs louder.
"And she's funny! You're an all-rounder, girl."
I hear the doors swing open and look over Shaun's shoulder to see Ben. Our eyes meet at the same time and my heart flips as he takes in the scene before him. Noticing a shift in the atmosphere, Shaun turns around and Ben's eyes widen as he sees who I'm standing with. He looks more presentable tonight, with fresh clothes and a newly shaven face. But his eyes still look hollow, haunted and it saddens me.
"Holly? What in the actual fuck..." he says, sounding more confused than anything else.
"Sorry Shaun, can you give me two minutes?" I ask politely and he kindly nods and exits.
"Are you seriously here right now, with him?" He asks incredulously as the door closes. I have to remind myself of his fragile state to stop myself from getting riled up.
"No, I'm not. I'm here with Leila. I just happened to bump into him."
He scoffs. "Of course, you did... you're so innocent, aren't you? Entirely unaware of what you do to those around you."
His comment pisses me off, but instead of arguing, I simply step towards him. "How are you?" I ask, which takes him back.
"I'm fine..."
"Good. I've been trying to get in touch with you. I'm really sorry again for the freshers thing... I didn't go with Leila. And I swear, I wasn't trying to do anything to upset you. And I'm sorry if I did."
"Don't worry about it... it worked out well in the end anyways... I met Lizzi." He boasts, trying to annoy me.
Feigning ignorance, I ask "Lizzi?"
"Yeah, she's playing here tonight... we just, sort of, hit it off." He says, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. Up close, I can see his pupils are dilated.
"Aww, well that's nice." I lie, hating myself for the false niceties. Inside, I'm screaming.
"Yeah, I guess so..." he says, but his heart doesn't seem into it.
"I guess you can fall out of love as easily as you fall into it." I add and immediately curse myself for uttering the words.
"You can talk, with the fucking Hulk in there... really didn't peg you as that kind of girl." He spits out.
"What kind of girl?" I exclaim. I tried to rise above it, but he knows exactly how to annoy me.
"You know... big muscles, small brain..."
I scoff. "So sorry he's not doing business management like some people, but he's a grown man with a real fucking job."
"Yeah, well... he looks like a cunt." Ben replies with a sneer.
"Takes one to know one... you fucking junkie." I snap and flick my cigarette onto the floor. As I make a move to leave, he slams his arm to block the door into the pub, and I can see his chest is heaving with anger.
"What?!" I shout angrily.
"I'm not a junkie, I'm just having fun..."
"Yeah, looks like a blast. When you stop having fun, why don't you let me know. Always got time for that Ben. This Ben is a fucking waste of space."
I push his arm away and open the door to the pub. As I walk past him, he pulls on my arm momentarily and a rush of electricity floods me. His touch still sends me into overdrive.
"Don't go home with him..." he pleads, letting go of my arm. I say nothing and walk away.
I head back over to our table and Leila hisses "where the fuck have you been?! I've been calling you non-stop and you left your phone in your bag! Ben's here!"
"I know! He caught me talking to Shaun outside."
Her jaw drops open. "And? What happened?!"
"Nothing... he was a bit of a wanker, tried to rub Lizzi in my face and I snapped and called him a junkie..."
"Oh fuck!" she says, looking nervous.
"As I walked back in, he asked me not to go home with Shaun..."
"You weren't planning to, were you?"
I shake my head. "Of course not, but he showed a glimpse of the real Ben... he pretends he's over me, but I'm not sure. I just need to get him away from-"
"Hey, we're skinnylizzi and this is 'Get fucked"... 1,2,3,4..."
We sit and watch as she sings and growls into the microphone. Admittedly, they're pretty good, but it's the way she handles herself on the stage that I'm interested in. She is winking and grinding to the music, making suggestive faces to many of the guys in the room, including Shaun as it turns out. As I look around, my eyes lock with Ben. I want to turn away, but I can't. It's like we're the only two people in the room. Suddenly nothing and no one else matters. The corner of his mouth rises briefly, and he mouths "I love you". I look away briefly and when I turn back, he's gone.
Once the set is finished, I head to the bar for our final drink off the night before we head home. It's almost 11 and Leila and I both have uni in the morning. Waiting for the drinks, Lizzi sidles up and takes a seat next to me.
"Don't I know you?" She asks, inquisitively and I know she recognises me.
"I don't think so... do you?" I reply, cagily.
"Oh my gosh, you're Ben's ex, right?" She says, voice full of pity.
I say, handing over the cash to the bartender. "I wouldn't say ex..." I reply, keeping my tone level.
"Whatever, like I give a fuck about labels... what are you doing here?" her voice is overly friendly, and sickly-sweet and it pisses me off no end.
"To see the bands..." I say, catching the eyesight of Shaun behind her. He smiles and she turns to take a look at him.
"Ohh... I get you... he's cute. I thought you might be here for Ben?" she asks, and I shake my head.
"He's a real sweetheart, isn't he?" she says, hoping for a rise out of me. I can feel the bile rising in my throat, but I swallow it down.
"Not a word, I'd associate with Ben." I say, dismissively.
She laughs. "You're cute, I like you." she says, and I force a fake smile.
I collect my drinks from the bar and turn. "It was nice to meet you..." I say, walking away.
I place the drinks at our table and let out a huge breath. "And?!" Leila asks excitedly, having witnessed our little interaction.
"I hate her."
"What did she say?"
"That Ben's a 'sweetheart'."
"That bitch!"
I nod and take a swift drink. " I think we can safely say we're done here for the night."
"Yes... it's certainly been eventful!" she jokes, and I laugh.
Finishing our drinks, we quickly pop over to say our goodbyes to Shaun and Mitch.
"Hi... I'm really sorry about that earlier..." I apologise, but Shaun just shakes his head.
"It's cool... I'm guessing that's the guy?"
"You guess right..."
He nods and looks contemplative.
"He's seeing someone else..." I add, and then wonder why I mentioned anything. It doesn't really change anything.
"Interesting... well, remember what I said, yeah?" he says, looking a little hopeful.
"I will" I smile, and he squeezes my elbow lightly.
I look up to the back of the room and see Ben watching me again. He looks lost and fragile, and my heart sinks. We wave goodbye and as I head out the door, I turn to see Lizzi approach Ben.