The following morning, I accept Middlesex University, the conversation from Leila still fresh in my head. I don't want to make Keaton's girlfriend feel uncomfortable with my presence around campus. If I'm honest with myself, my reasons for wanting to go there were a desperate attempt to leave all the drama behind.
With college finished and with time on my hands, I make the decision to get a part time job at the local library, set back just next to the park. The place is tranquil, the hours are good, and the pay is ok. Plus, it gives me something to do whilst I wait for uni to begin.
With my university choice so close to home, I agree with my parents that I'll stay at home for at least the first year so I can keep my loan costs down. They're pretty great about me going out, so I have no worries about going to parties or hanging out with friends.
I'm lucky that Leila has also chosen to go to university close to home, heading to Hertfordshire to study Graphic Design and Art. All our other friends have accepted places at universities across the country, but Carly has deferred entry for a year, with plans to travel for a few months instead.
After a few weeks of feeling like I'm in an endless loop of working and sitting at home, I'm relieved when, on Friday, Leila calls.
"Mate! I'm so bored! Please tell me that you're free tomorrow night?"
I giggle. "I'm free, what are you thinking?"
"Well, Pete has invited us to go into London for his farewell drinks before he heads off to uni. Do you fancy it?"
My breath hitches. "Erm... I'm not sure..."
"You can't hold off living because you're scared of seeing him. It'll be fine. After what happened at the Misty Moon, you're in a good place again, so you've got nothing to worry about."
I sigh but know she's right. "Ok, fine. But if there's any drama, I'm out of there."
"Deal!" She says and shrieks a little. "I'll let Pete know and will text you the details."
We say goodbye and I spend a few minutes trying to push the mix of excitement and nerves that rush through me. I'm nervous at the thought of seeing Ben again – those piercing green eyes looking straight through me and into my soul. The way he makes my breath hitch, my heart race, and my mouth dry. I'm not worried about what might happen or really, any potential drama that could ensue. More how I will react when I see him again. By the time we left Pete's a few weeks ago, I ached for him. To touch him, to talk to him again. And if he tells me he loves me again, I don't know if I have the willpower to turn him down.
The next day, whilst I'm on my lunch break, Leila text to let me know that Pete is planning to go to 'Face Down' at the Scala in Kings Cross. I've never been before but I'm familiar with the former cinema, now nightclub, having walked past it many times before. For the remainder of my shift, I agonise about whether Ben will be there.
As I walk home, later that afternoon, Leila texts again.
Panic over, Ben is not coming! x
Instead of relief, my heart sinks - the pain spreading through my chest, mourning his absence. Why isn't he coming? Is it because he's trying to avoid me? I've ignored him since he messaged me. The guy that said he'd never been in love before told me he loves he. Ben loves me.
I still don't know whether to believe it, or whether it was just a last-ditch effort to get me back. Confused, I take a slower walk home to collect my thoughts and smoke too many cigarettes.
***
At 7:30, I meet Leila at the train station to head into Kings Cross. The upside to living in the suburbs but on the outskirts of North London, is the ability to get the overground train into Kings Cross in just two stops. Ordinarily, we chose to visit locations on the Northern Line, making it easier to travel to Barnet and jump on the Underground.
She's already at the station waiting for me when I arrive, looking stunning in a blue sequin dress and scrappy sandals. I immediately feel inadequate and underdressed, having selected black jeans, a white pussy bow tie shirt and blazer. Thankfully I'd dressed up the outfit by a last minute choice to wear heeled boots on my way out, having originally opted for my converse which have, frankly, seen better days.
"Mate! You look stunning!" I say, sincerely. She flushes and smiles.
"Aww, thanks mate, I think I might have gone a little overboard for the occasion, but ever since I found out Mark will be there... I wanted to show him what he's missing." she giggles nervously, and I can tell that this evening is going to be difficult for her.
Shortly after Valentine's Day, Mark just stopped speaking to Leila. She tried calling and texting, but he just cut her out of his life. He couldn't even have the decency to tell her why it was over. It was a shitty move on his part, but one that Leila gracefully accepted. She was just so damn cool. If that was me, I'd have had to scream at him, or call him a bastard – something!
"He is going to lose his mind when he sees you!" I say encouragingly, as I place my hands on her shoulders. "Maybe you can use this as your opportunity to ask him exactly what went on... he owes you that, at least."
Leila bites the side of her lip and nods solemnly. "Yeah, maybe... but what difference will it make?"
"Closure!" I say, shaking her shoulders lightly. She giggles.
"Oh yeah, how well has that worked out for you, eh?" She replies, shirking my hands away. Touché.
"Yeah, alright... don't change the subject." I say, a little hastily. I delve into my bag to smoke a quick cigarette before we jump on the train.
"I'm just saying, mate, how's your closure treating you?"
I breathe out a billowing cloud of smoke and sigh. "I don't have closure; I have a gaping fucking wound in the shape of an 'I love you' text."
"Sorry mate." Leila replies, quietly.
"Don't be. Listen, I might not have everything sewn up in a nice little bow, but at least I got to tell him how I really feel. Now it's your chance to do the same – he owes you that, at the very least." I say and link my arm in hers. "Now all we need is a little dutch courage... fortified wine milady?" I ask, mockingly.
She giggles and squeezes my arm a little. "Hell yes, but not the blue one, that was rancid!" I laugh loudly. "They all are! But we're not drinking it for the taste!"
***
One bottle of pink liquid and a short train ride later we arrive, half-pissed, at Kings Cross Station. The constant stream of people on a mission to reach their destination is something I've missed dearly since moving away from London. Not just the people, but the sights, the sounds, the food... Everything. Hertfordshire is such a slower pace of life. The busiest place you'll find is the local Tesco on a barbecue-friendly Bank Holiday. It just didn't have the same allure... though Ben had made it shinier for a while.
As we near the Scala, we see Pete, Mark, James, and a few of their friends. I worry that it'll be awkward between Leila, Pete, and Mark, but everyone is really friendly and excited to be out together. Before we know it, we're inside. The venue is sprawling, with four floors playing the greatest selection of pop-punk, emo, and rock music. I immediately feel at ease and can't help but bop my head along to 30 Seconds to Mars 'The Kill' as we head to the bar to order.
After a couple of drinks, we head onto the dancefloor. My mind feels free for the first time in ages, and I relish letting go and just having fun with Leila. We giggle stupidly as we dance away to Head Automatica, Jimmy Eat World and The Starting Line. This is definitely my happy place.
A little while later, I excuse myself to smoke and Pete kindly agrees to accompany me. We walk outside onto the bustling road, and I take no time at all to light up.
"Thanks for coming, Holly. I'm so glad we're ok again." Pete says, exhaling his smoke and smiling.
"Me too... I'm sorry, for everything. The last 8 months have been such a mess... I–"
"You have nothing to be sorry for," Pete interrupts, "I didn't get it before, but I do now... I know it doesn't mean much coming from me, but I've never seen Ben like this about a girl before."
I shrug. "Well... It's in the past now."
Pete narrows his eyes at me, "Is it? Why are you so quick to push him away?"
"Me? Push him away?" I say, icily.
Pete runs his hand through his hair and takes another drag on his cigarette. "Look, Holly... I only know pieces of the story; Ben doesn't really share... but I know he told you he loves you."
I stare up at Pete in shock. "He told you?"
"Yeah, I woke up the day after you and Leila came to mine. He was still awake... and absolutely fucking hammered. He was a complete mess. He kept saying: 'I told her I love her and it's not enough.'"
The last remaining fragment of my heart obliterates into nothing. I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes and I bite on my lip to stop myself from crying.
"Sorry Hols, I wasn't trying to upset you... I just, I didn't want you to think that he doesn't care."
I shake my head but can't lift my eyes from the floor. "Is that why he didn't come tonight?"
He nods solemnly. My legs feel like they might collapse and the pain in my chest feels like its restricting my breathing. Why didn't I just text him back?
"What can I do, Pete?" I say, in a small voice.
"Call him."
I nod and he gives me a brief hug before heading back inside. I spend a few minutes trying to psych myself up for the call. What if he doesn't answer? Or worse yet, he does and tells me to fuck off? I guess I'll never know if I don't try.
I scroll to his number and click the phone symbol. It calls. And calls. When I'm about to put the phone down, he answers.
"Holly?" the gruff, yet beautiful voice asks.
"Yeah, it's me."
"Are you ok?" he sounds both confused and a little worried.
"I'm ok... are you ok? You're not at Pete's leaving party?"
He hesitates for a moment, before replying "Yeah, I know... wasn't feeling it."
My chest aches. "I'm sorry to hear that... you're missed."
"I'm sure..." he says, sounding unconvinced.
"You are. I miss you... I was kind of hoping to see you..." I say, my heart beating out of my chest.
He doesn't answer.
"I just wanted to apologise, for not responding to your –"
"Holly, you don't have to say any–"
"No, please... I shouldn't have ignored you. I've just been trying so hard to move on, I didn't want to go back..."
I hear him sigh. "You don't need to explain anything to me... it's my fuck up. I ruined everything."
I don't know how to answer that, so I say nothing.
"Have a good evening, Holly. Take care, ok?"
" – Ben?"
"Yeah?"
"I... I still love you; you know that right? I'm not saying it because I'm drunk, I mean it. In spite of everything you put me through... I can't help but love you."
He laughs lightly. "I love you too."
I smile. "OK, thank you... I'm gonna go..." I say, awkward and unsure what else to say.
He laughs again. "OK, take care... and maybe have some water?" He jokes.
I put the phone down and stand in place for a few minutes, trying to make sense of the conversation that just took place. What am I doing? Where do we go from here? Can I forgive him completely and move on? Are we ready to be together?
Mind reeling, I head back into the club, desperate for the music to drown out my thoughts.