Having spent the entire weekend letting my emotions get the better of me, I'm fresh out of tears and completely empty inside. When Sunday night rolls round, I tell my mum that my throat is still causing me grief and, as I've barely eaten a thing since Friday, she agrees to keep me home for the last week of college.
My phone is full of texts from Ben, that I've been reluctant to read. But now, hollowed by my sadness, I decide to sift through them.
Pick up x
It's not what you think x
We need to talk x
Answer the fucking phone!
It's been 2 days. Please talk to me x
I'm so sorry x
The last one makes a lump appear in my throat and I choke it down along with my feelings. I decide to look at Pete's messages too.
Holly, I am so sorry. Hope you're ok x
How are you doing? x
I'm sorry I handled the whole situation badly x
Feeling a mixture of sadness and anger, I decide to call him, and he answers on the second ring.
"Holly?"
"Hey." I say, in a small voice.
"How are you?"
"Um... ok. You?"
"I'm ok. I was worried about you."
"Yeah, you seemed worried when you were shouting that stuff in my face." I say, a little more angrily than I'd expected.
He sighs. "I know - It'd been bubbling up for a while and then I'd had a few and just... I didn't mean it to come out that way. I just couldn't stand the thought of him messing you around."
I don't respond.
"Are we ok?"
I bite my lip. "I need some time - I'm pretty annoyed still."
"I understand. Have you spoken to him?"
"Nope."
"He dragged me out the pub and punched me," he admits. I gasp.
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah - I'm fine," he sighs, "after all of this, you're asking if I'm ok? You're too good, Holly." I'm immediately reminded by a similar comment Ben made to me once.
"I better go."
"Ok. Thanks for calling."
I hang up and sit there, replaying Pete's words in my head. By the sound of Ben's reaction, Pete's story is likely true. Without a second thought, I erase his messages from my phone and block his number. When I'm finished, I crawl back into bed and close my eyes.
***
Leila calls me over the next few days to tell me that Ben also hasn't been to college. I tell her that I'm not interested, but the opposite is true. She also reminds me about the end of year Christmas party, which is taking place on campus on Friday night.
"Are you coming?"
"Nope. I'm not really feeling it."
"Please come - we miss you!"
"If I promise to think about it, can we talk about something else?"
"Sure... have you heard from Ben?"
"Argh! I don't even want to hear his name right now!" I say desperately. "I've gotta go." I hang up before Leila can reply.
She texts later to apologise and to remind me to think about the party.
When Friday rolls around, Carly, Sarah, Kelly and even Molly have texted and pleaded for me to come. Defeated, I finally give in and agree.
My almost week without food has resulted in me dropping a few pounds and my previously suitable party dress now hangs awkwardly around my waist.
"Hmm... I'll have to pop out and get you something else to wear." mum says.
"Maybe this is a sign I shouldn't go?" I ask her.
"No! You can't miss the Christmas party! I'll pop to the High Street - I'm sure I can find something suitable."
She returns less than an hour later - record shopping time for Sandra - and she hands me a yellow bag.
I open it to reveal a beautiful taffeta dress. It's dark red, almost burgundy, with a fitted bodice and a ruched skirt. I'm a little taken back – there's no way it'll suit me. But when I try it on, it hugs me in the right places and has just the right amount edge to it, which is exactly what I wanted.
"I love it mum - thank you."
She smiles. "You must wear it with your shoe boots!" She says, pulling them out of my cupboard. They match perfectly.
I also add my leather jacket for a little more edge and go for a black smoky eye with a nude lip gloss. I also decide to put a little effort in my hair, culminating in loose curls that fall down my back.
When I'm finished, my mum looks almost wet eyed as she says, "you look beautiful." I blush and give her a cuddle.
Dad agrees to drop me to and from the party and mum lectures me to not drink too much before I go.
***
Never one to miss an opportunity for pre-drinks, we agree to meet in the pub not far from the college. It's old and stuffy, with tobacco-stained wallpaper from years before. It's full of regulars and as I arrive first, I stick out like a sore thumb. While I wait, I order myself a rum and diet coke. As Leila's dad is also acting as chauffeur for the evening, she arrives a short time later. She orders a vodka and diet coke and requests a shot of cherry liquor for us both, which we swiftly consume. Carly texts to let us know that she and the other girls are still waiting for the bus, so we drink up and make our way into the party without them.
"I hope he doesn't show tonight." I say to Leila as we walk into the hall.
"Me too – Mark's still not talking to him, so I don't think he will."
The hall is overly adorned with Christmas decorations, and everyone is dressed up and looking their best. I see a few people look our way as we enter, but I try to ignore it. I won't let it ruin my night.
The girls arrive a little while later and I can tell they're already pretty drunk. We hug and they sweetly ask if I'm ok. I tell them I am, though I'm not sure I believe it myself.
"Heartbreak suits you... you look thinner." Sarah says, and I'm not quite sure whether to take it as a compliment or not.
Molly offers me some of her hidden vodka and I accept, desperate to blot out the aching in my chest. As much as I dread the thought of him at the party, every time I see a flop of curly hair, my breath hitches and my heart skips a beat.
As the alcohol starts to work its magic, I loosen up and actually start to enjoy myself, making my way onto the dance floor to drop some moves to the cheesy Christmas songs playing.
Mark and James come over to see us and Mark gives me a little hug to show support. As the night wears on, I'm happier than I've felt in the last week and, finally in the festive spirit, I decide to pop outside for a cheeky cigarette.
Standing at the smoking area, I'm approached by a tall, olive skinned guy with short brown hair and a lip piercing.
"Hey, I'm Matt." He says, introducing himself.
"Holly - hey."
"Hey Holly - I've seen you around college. Aren't you Sutton's girlfriend?"
"No, definitely not." I say with conviction.
"Oh, ok... cool - good to know." He says, smiling again and walking a little closer to the gates.
I flick my cigarette to the floor and as I turn to walk back towards the party, a car pulls in. Ben. Unable to face him, I start picking up the pace.
"Holly! Please will you wait a sec?!" A door slams behind me and I hear his footsteps gaining. I don't stop, but he soon catches up with me.
"Hey! Will you talk to me for one fucking minute, please?!" He pleads.
"No, Ben." I say through gritted teeth.
"Just let me explain!"
"What, so you can just lie to me again?!" I say, willing the tears to stay away.
"Please! Just give me one minute!" He says, the sadness clear in his tone.
I don't respond, but I don't move either. He runs his hands through his hair and sighs.
"I - I did say that stuff to Pete, but I didn't mean it! I was drunk and being stupid because I'd seen you earlier that night and was trying to warn him off you... It's just stupid shit that guys say to each other. And I was sleeping with Becca - I didn't tell you the truth because I didn't want you to think differently of me. But I stopped as soon as we got together and I haven't spoken to her since. I swear! Please believe me... I miss you."
I exhale and my heart aches at his words. "I believe you... but I'm not over it yet."
"But you forgive Pete so easily..." He says scornfully.
"I haven't forgiven him! But he isn't the one that hurt me! You did!"
"Just come with me - we can sort this all –"
"I can't keep doing this with you. Every time, you fuck me over and then reel me in again. I'm a mess. Please, just leave me alone."
Hearing the commotion, Matt heads back over.
"Is everything ok?"
"Oh, fuck off Turner, this is none of your business." warns Ben.
"I'm talking to Holly." Matthew replies heatedly.
I look up at Matt. "I just want to go in, please?" I ask in a small voice.
He nods and we turn back towards the party.
"Holly?! FUCK!!!" I hear Ben scream, and a loud sound of something being hit, but I don't turn around.
For the remainder of the night, Matt keeps checking in to make sure I'm ok. Having lost the joy from the alcohol I'd had earlier in the evening, I put my best fake smile on.
When the room lights up, signalling the end of the event, Matt comes over and asks for my number. I hand it over and watch as his number flashes on my screen. It's a desperate distraction from the overwhelming sadness that fills me.
I say goodbye to the girls and walk to the car park, where my dad is waiting. I wave goodbye and as my dad pulls away, I can see Ben's car waiting in the distance.