"I didn't do it," I screamed. "Stop blaming me!"
I hit his hands. I was in pain. My body was becoming weaker and weaker under his hands.
"Stop!" I moved my legs. "You're hurting me, Joe!" My nails tried every way of scratching him. He was strong. I was weak. I was weaker.
"Exactly. A bitch like you should die." His hands tightened on my neck. Oxygen was leaving my lungs and the pressure of me trying to hold onto my life didn't help me out. My life was flashing before I blinked, I felt so near my end. "You ruined my fucking life." this was real.
His voice rang in my ears like it'd be the last voice my soul would hear before fading off.
The same villain face he looked at me years ago, the same smile he looked at me like he was satisfying a part in him. He was ravenous to something. And he was taking it from me.
He was taking my life away and I was helpless to flee. I wasn't as influential as he always has been. I couldn't call for help, I couldn't stop him.
I couldn't breathe and I couldn't do anything.
I watched myself vanish around him.
I didn't want to end. I wanted to live.
I wanted to breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe, Viviana.
My back arched hard in fright, I wheezed at the sound of vibration. The sound of my phone rang through my body. It was just a dream. A nightmare. Sweat was rolling off my skin and my breath was fastening. It happened again. And again. When will this stop?
It's been a few weeks again. These few weeks weren't something I'd like to remember. Something was wrong with me.
Thankfully I moved to my new apartment, but ever since I entered that door, nightmares couldn't leave me alone. Memories kept playing back, past kept repeating.
Every day I slept on the bed and shut my eyes, terrors instantly fell beside me.
Each one of them was only about him.
He kept coming back at me even during my sleep. The thought of him never left me. Even if I tried everything during this situation, nothing stopped the pain, the terror I woke up to the intimidating white walls that watched my tears become dry till the morning arrived.
I've tried putting a night light on, I tried putting an end to my nightmares endings, but nothing saved me from dying by Joe. I tried taking sleeping pills, I even drank coffee nonstop. I didn't have no longer the motivation to go out and search for a job to help myself from going tight with the money I had left on my debit card. Everything was useless. Medical treatment.
Nothing.
Every day I got worse and worse. I didn't eat, the last meal I had was probably more than 24 hours ago, I've lost my appetite for everything. I couldn't sleep and once I did, nightmares greeted me with warm arms. I was frustrated.
Jessica and the others have been great to me, but yet we haven't spent much time together recently to go up to her and tell them what's going on with me, besides they had a life to live and a job to look up to, and I wanted to keep this to myself without causing anyone a trouble.
And as if somebody is going to know. I have been home all day since a week ago. The only reason I got out was because I ran out of coffee. My life has gotten worse, I was mentally ill, I was on my bed all day. Falling asleep and waking up again.
Looking at my phone with annoyance I shut it down. It was a call from Alex. I've been ignoring his messages and his phone calls a lot lately.
Thu, 26 Sep at 01:18 pm.
"We need to talk Viviana."
"Answer my calls."
Mon, 30 Sep at 05:42 pm.
"Put the price you want."
"Goddamnit Viviana."
"Just be my fucking whore."
You missed 2 calls from Alex on 10/6/2023.
You missed 5 calls from Alex on 10/9/2023.
You missed a call from Alex today at 02:04 a.m.
I don't even know how he got my number, but as we hooked up again last time he must've gone through my phone while I was asleep.
Not so surprised to be honest.
I've been keeping my brain on off mode, but thinking about his offer was the only thing that kept whizzing in my head. Why did he want me?
Why is still waiting for my response? Why was he even holding himself just for me to approve?
Lately, I've been thinking about what would happen if I gave myself up to him. Will it really be that bad? I was tight with money and I had to find a job in any matter, but as a twenty-three-year-old woman with no experience?
Was that possible?
I was thinking about it. And I was sure it wouldn't be as bad as the things I went through with Joe. Joe was my boyfriend. And he shared me for money, but what was Alex? He was nothing. He wanted me just to be there for him.
And only for him.
I squeezed my eyes at the long overthinking moment I had again I was not on my greatest time to think about it. I should sleep. I should get well. I should shower, I should do-
My eyes flickered open and a whine left my lips at the sound in my apartment. I would've liked it much better if it was my phone at that point.
But sadly it wasn't.
It was my door.
Knocking and ringing the bell couldn't let me stop from avoiding it. I had to see who it was even if I had to crawl up there.
My vision was bad, but I was sure it was because of my bad sleeping schedule. I'll try to do something about this again. I can't keep up like this, Joe is gone. I had to erase him from my sleep. Out of my life.
"Alex..?" I uttered facing the same man I've been ignoring over a week. "What are-"
"We have to talk." he cut me off. How did he find my place? Is there anything this man can't find?
"Not right now." My voice cracked. That was the first time I spoke up after days long. He looked at me baffled. Sure thing my hair looked oily and like an old stainless steel sponge scrubber that should've been in the trash bag by now, the dark spots under my eyes were wild and creepy if I ever went out late at night. I looked awful.
"Are you sick?" My head aches at the word sick.
He didn't fall into worries. He took the situation like every other one in his lifetime. He didn't worry, he didn't attend to me, he didn't ask like he'd give me CPR if I choked, nor would his voice tremble seeing me like this. He asked like it was his usual day routine. Nothing much.
"Sir please..." a beg left my lips directly. "I'd like you to leave." a cramp has pinched my abdomen. I felt off and something was erroneous. Very erroneous. I can feel my veins pop out of my skin, begging the evil to exist from my flesh, my heart was anywhere but where it was actually supposed to be. I was hurt. I was losing my vision. I was losing consciousness.
And I'd rather fall on the floor, with no one around than seek 'his' help. I didn't want anyone to throw their pithiness at me. I didn't want help and this was just a phase in life I had to go through, it was normal and I shouldn't be afraid of what I'd face next. I don't want his help.
Neither do I want him to see me right now.
I want him gone from here.
Gone.
"You're useless." My eyes tightened at his face.
Alex wouldn't say that, he's the one who's been dying to have me at his service. "You filthy ungrateful bitch." Joe. Joe. Joe. He's taking over my mind. Over my whole life.
His voice strangled my lungs, I was panting for air, but what if there wasn't any air around me?
He's all I can feel in my body. His name is pierced in my head and pinned on my skin.
"Do you really think you can get away like this?"
"I will fucking murder you."
"I will watch you take your last breath."
"You didn't deserve anything I did for you."
"You deserve to be fucking dead and alone."
"You deserve to rot in hell."
My hand tightened around the door handle. My heart was racing and I was just? Not able to do anything. Alex's face was becoming blurry, I saw him mouthing me something, but my ears suddenly closed. Everything I heard was just peeping. Silence. Coldness. Deadness.
My body fell. Before it did I knew and felt something strong hold me back. It was stronger than the flat ground, it was tighter than my grip on life. It was warm yet so empty and dark.
Black. Darkness. Black and Darkness.
~
"I'm sure she'd be just fine." A manly voice shook over me. I was cold. The first pleasant meeting between me and the light has been completed.
I wasn't prepared for so much light. Yet.
My body was going through something agonizing and I barely couldn't figure out what. I was here for a reason. At the hospital with a water bag hanging up my head. A doctor. And Alex?
"Rise and shine, young lady." A small chuckle left the man I called a doctor a second ago. His fingers fisted around the edge of the bed before leaning forward for a closer look at me.
"What happened?" I asked as I looked over at Alex standing behind him in the background, with his arms crossed and face deeply drowned with emotionlessness. I couldn't tell if it was a concerned look about my health or an annoyed one. As it's Alex it's probably the second option.
"You had an caffeine overdose...you must've been drinking too much coffee or food that has lots of caffeine in it. And I can't lie to you, caffeine overdose is a condition that is very deadly if you keep going on so..." his lips pressed together and I felt my stomach tighten. I felt like throwing up. "I'd suggest you stay hydrated and drink a lot of water. You need to flush that caffeine out of your body directly." I nod.
I was silent and it was nauseating to hear what he said. Overdosing myself? Without even realizing it? I felt sick to my stomach and the coffee in my body had finally made a move. I finally felt how many cups I drank every day, and how I refused to eat or do anything. I was killing myself.
And to what?
To a voice hiding in my walls? Or to the person I met every night before shutting my eyes? To my past or my future? I was overdosing on being hurt again or afraid that I was already hurt?
For what?
"Also," he added." Let someone take care of you for a while. I'm sure it'll help you remain your strength, and you can absolutely put a use to these muscles!" a laugh left his lips as he tapped on Alex's shoulders. Alex didn't even blink. His eyes were pierced into my skin, he didn't move nor even flinch at the sudden hands touching him. I hated he had to hear all of that.
"Can I go home?" I asked and took my eyes off the coldness that was looking at and through me.
"Of course! Once you fill the file outside you're free to leave!" He smiled. "Make sure not to come back here and stay healthy, young lady."
~
It was quiet on the ride back home. I didn't like it that much, but it felt normal. Alex wasn't a friend that I've spent many conversations with. And besides all of that, I've probably bothered him.
I wasn't so strong to keep away my clingy side from speaking up, as I've bothered him, I'm sure there's is still some space to bother more?
"Thank you," I said and broke the silence. I couldn't take my eyes away from my hands and look at him, embarrassment was eating me and guilt was seasoning me. I just allowed myself to watch his movement through the corner of my eye. He was like he had always been.
Frozen.
Only a nod and a low hum were something that was brand new to my sight.
I knew he wasn't quite in the mood to speak, so I let him be like that. I didn't have anything to talk about anyway. I've decided to look out through the window and watch the shady sky.
Stars were already out, moon was shining on everyone's window. It calmed me down and relieved some stress out of my heavy chest until I noticed the wrong street.
"Wait," I narrowed my eyes to check again. "This isn't my way home." I took my eyes off the window to look at him. He was calm and quiet.
"I know." He calmly made a reply. "You're going to stay at my place for a while..." a frown took over my face. Not so big that I'd tell him to drop me off right here, but small enough to refuse his offer. I didn't need his help or his house.
"That's unnecessary," I observed the look in his eyes. He looked at me with such a small glare, but still so big if he'd look at me any longer like that. Like I was a worldwide trouble to him.
"I can take care of myself," I added. "I appreciate your offer and help, but I'd like to stay alone."
"Oh, bullshit." He bit back. It's like he wanted to pick a war with me in that tone, but if I took another look at his face and expressions? Well.
"Overdosing? And you can take care of yourself?"
He let out a small scoff, taunting me for a tiny second before I sort of understood his words.
He was right.
I couldn't take care of myself. Joe was the one who told me to sit, to do this, he told me to eat that and this not. That will make me look fat and the other will show my bones off. I never decided
a decision for myself. Till now. And I couldn't really do it correctly. I was too bad at it.
"Still." I disagreed no matter what. Even if he was right and I was ten levels wrong. He was nobody. Why should I stay at his place? He's not my brother, not my father. Not my boyfriend.
He was just.
A sexual customer.
"I'm old enough to take care of myself." He let out a small huff before stopping at a traffic light. His face confronted me and the moon was right spotted in position to make the color of his eyes clearer. Sharper. Grey dark. They darkened and I feared if they could go any darker than this.
"Get to the point, Viviana." His brows knitted together and his eyes gave off a tiny little entreating face. Not in please I'm begging you. No. It was obviously more like I've had enough of your bratty attitude, cut it off. "You want to go to your house?" I straightly nod. "That's not happening. You can cry, you can rip your hair. You can't leave my house, till I say you can."
"Locking me up?" He was controlling over a person he had no clue about? Yes. We did fucking fuck and all, but we had nothing. We weren't friends. We weren't lovers. We knew nothing about each other. So why should he take such a responsibility to take care of me?
"Negative." The light has turned green and his sharp eyes have stopped dwelling on me. "Don't worry. You can sleep in the guest room, you have your own bathroom, your own closet, and your own privacy just like your own house." was that presumed to calm me down? "And I'll send someone to get you your clothes. Be my guest."