THIS IS THE CHAPTER YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
if you havent seen the countless amount of foreshadowing for this, where have you been? I've been making little hints at this since like chapter 5. I definitely gave it away in more recent chapters though.
She knew it would end up like this.....
That night all she had thought about was how the next morning she would make her way to the shop whilst he was still asleep, pick up a pregnancy test, do it without him knowing and it come back positive.
She knew it would happen.
But now for it to be actually happening was a different kind of feeling.
"Oh my god"
She stuttered quietly as that big bold word glared back at her.
There in her hands, that all important white stick with 'pregnant' running across it.
Joe was right about that morning after pill.
How could she of been so sure?
She obviously hadn't.
"No, no, no. This cant be real. This cant be happening"
Her first thought was joe. She hadn't told him about all those realisations she had been having the night before. She didn't want to scare him, but to know he would no matter what be there for her, settled her. Not much though. She was scared.
This was going to be a huge set back for them.
It wasn't going to be easy.
They were in no way in a position to be having a baby. They weren't in love. They weren't even properly together. Deep down, they weren't happy.
"Oh my god....this cant be real"
It definitely was. It all made sense. The random pain she got when joe lesnt on her to the craving of pizza, a food she would never normally eat, it all added up. And it all came back to that night in december. There was no other time it could of been. Joe had been the only person she had slept with.
He was going to be an amazing dad.
She knew that. She knew he would be from pretty early on and she also knew she wanted to have kids with him. There was no one in the world she would rather have as the father of her kids but now it was all different. This could break them. She didn't know how he would react and even though she wanted him to support her, he might not want this. He might not be ready to be a dad right now with the position their relationship was in. He could run. And that's what scared her the most. What if he was more scared than her? What if he freaked out and left her to do this all on her own? That's if she would. She didn't even know if she wanted to do this. A part of her knew she could never get rid of a baby that was her own, a human life she had created. For her, it just didn't seem like the right option. But she was also frightened, and if she had thought about it more and come to the conclusion that things would be better without a baby, then she would have to consider not going through with this pregnancy. It was going to be a hard decision. A decision she couldnt make without joe and if he wasn't ready to step up to support her and be a dad, then she didn't know what she would do. She needed him. They had both realised that, but a baby could end it all for them if he wasn't prepared to be the dad she always imagined him being.
He was still asleep.
Perfect time to figure out a way to tell him because she couldn't keep this from him.
Rule number 1- honesty.
This couldn't be a secret for much longer.
She was already dressed, so hid the test in her Jean pocket which could luckily be hidden by her oversized jumper. She sorted herself out before walking out of the bathroom and going downstairs to the kitchen to make herself a coffee. Putting her pod into the machine, she picked her favourite mug, taking it once it was done.
"Ugh"
She looked down at it.
"I cant even have this"
This was the part of her that wanted this. She wanted to protect this baby already and she couldn't of been anything more than 2 and a half weeks. She was early and she knew this was a crucial stage.
Settling for a glass of water instead, deciding not to eat or drink anything risky until she had done her research, she decided on how to tell joe.
Give him the coffee and when he asked say she couldn't have it because she was pregnant.
Easy right?
Yeah, but she was nervous.
His reaction could make her determine whether she wanted to keep this baby, whether she wanted to be with him. If he wasn't supportive, he wasn't for her.
But those words from last night kept replaying in her head...
"No matter what happens I'm always going to support you"
Did he really mean that though?
"Good morning"
Her plan was ruined. He was stood there. She couldnt go upstairs and prolong it because she was nervous, he was here now walking up to her and kissing her lips softly.
"Hey"
She spoke quietly. There was no hiding her nerves now. This was real. She couldn't keep this secret from him because he deserved to know if he was going to be a dad. It wasn't fair to keep this from him.
With a million and one thoughts running through her head, and him speaking the words
"Are you ok?"
It was now or never.
She couldnt keep it in any longer.
"I'm pregnant joe"
"What?"
The atmosphere could of been cut with a knife.
He was shocked. Obviously it wasn't what he expected to hear on what seemed to be a very normal weekday morning, but with the position they were in he knew she wouldn't joke about this. That didn't stop him from not thinking though.
"I'm pregnant"
"Ok.....are you sure? You've done a test and everything?"
He asked her. He couldn't be happy. It was hard to. It wasn't exactly planned or thought through. He didn't know what to do. How to react. He didn't know what she was thinking.
"Yeah, I'm sure"
Pulling the test from her back pocket, she handed it to him and from that moment all she could do was watch. Watch as the nerves grew more on his face.
"And who's the dad?"
And that was the last thing she expected him to say.
If she wasn't already scared enough, that struck a nerve. How could he?
And he meant it genuinely aswell. He couldn't be smart enough to know it was him. Of course it was him. There was no one else. She was all she ever wanted. He was hers. Deep down, she loved him. She was the only person she saw having children with. Of course not now but it was too late. She was pregnant now. There was no going back. It had been 3 weeks.
She wanted joe to not be stupid and immature about this situation. She wanted to have this baby and with him by her side. If he wouldn't do that, then she had options to consider. She couldnt do this without him. She couldn't do life without him. That was made clear when they were apart. The amount of pain it caused her was something she had never felt before. It was worse than sadness. She didn't want to feel like that again, whilst trying to handle being pregnant all alone. She couldn't do it. She couldnt live without him. It had been proven how hard it was.
Shaking her head, she looked at him bitterly. She had turned angry in a split second.
"Rule number 7 joe...."
Her anger was bubbling. If he said one more stupid thing....that would be it.
"I know but I just thought, you know we were apart for a month and a half, you could of maybe seen ---"
"Dont you dare say what I think you are joe"
Even though this was bringing out her anger, her trauma was now also resurfacing. This sounded all too familiar to before.
'I wouldn't be surprised if you were shagging him'
That was the sentence that changed everything. And he had said something not far from it.
He hadn't learnt.
Rule 7- no hurtful comments....
"So....I'm the dad?"
He asked.
"Jesus joe! Yes of course you're the dad, but whether you deserve to be after that comment is a different question"
This was it. He had blown it. He had his chance to be supportive but he had wasted it by asking something so stupid that deep down he knew he shouldn't of asked.
It was going to be a repeat of before.
"Sorry....I shouldn't of said that"
Realisation hit him and whether what he said genuinely annoyed her or if it was her pregnancy mood swings already, he knew she was angry.
"Yeah, you shouldn't. You haven't learned, have you?"
"I have dot. I have learned. This is just one of those blips, they're always going to happen. This is just the first one and we need to overcome it"
He tried to explain but in the height of anger, dianne was ready to snap back.
"I dont really want to overcome it joe if you're going to say things like"
He knew he had no right to be angry back at her after once again assuming there might of been someone else, but this panicked him. She didn't want to overcome this? Was she again....breaking up with him?
"You dont want to overcome this? So you dont want me to be in this babies life and help you through this? If you want to do this alone go ahead"
He was angry now.
He didn't want to miss out on this.
Even though he was shocked, this was his child. There was a baby growing that was half of her and half of him. He was going to be a dad and there was no way he was going to miss out on that. He wanted to be there. He wanted to see them grow up, take their first steps, develop a personality, speak their first words, go to school. The list was endless. He cared about the life growing inside of her, he was just scared like she was. Scared about what this meant. How would they handle this? Could they get through it? It would be difficult. It added a whole new dynamic to trying to get their relationship to what it was but if she didn't want him then he wasnt going to stay. This was something they had to do together.
"No joe I didn't mean it like that. Of course I want you to be in their life. I want us to be happy"
She begged but the way she had come across was as if she didn't want him anymore. She was giving up on him and for joe that hurt.
"What if I dont want to be in their life?"
"No...."
This upset her. With her heart beggining to best fast, everything got the better of her. And she was extra hormonal now too so it wasnt a surprise when tears started to fall.
"Please dont say that joe"
She pleaded.
"I wanted to talk about this properly..."
She tried to talk but she was too overwhelmed.
"Me too dot...."
"Then why did you think this baby wasn't yours? Of course I havent slept with anyone else since breaking up with you. Why are you assuming that I did?"
She asked him bitterly trying to calm down but it seemed pretty impossible.
"Because I was scared dot. I still am. It's not exactly what I expected to be thrown into first thing in the morning"
He told her.
"And you dont think I'm scared?"
She asked him.
He paused.
"I'm carrying your baby joe. Key word there is your. This baby is half of you and half of me. They're going to grow up to be our child joe. They are already ours. And that's a scary thought for someone who is already on edge every day thinking what's going to happen today? Is joe going to set my final nerve on fire? Are we going to have an argument? Are we going to break up again? Because we are not in a good place joe. I know we've been happy the past few days but this is a long road thats now been made even longer and I need you but by that response you seem not to care"
She ranted. She needed to tell him how she was really feeling. Rule number one- honesty.
"No dianne. Of course I care. I really do. I was surprised that's all"
She sat down.
"Then come and sit here with me and talk properly about it, if you really care"
He didn't hesitate. He saw next to her, hand falling to rub her exposed knee.
"I'm sorry"
"Its going to have to be more than a sorry joe"
She shook her head.
"I erm....dot, I dont know what else to say...I...."
"I want you to show it joe. I want you to show me that your sorry"
She told him. He thought for a moment.
He knew he had to make up for her horrible he had been recently. Saying stupid things to upset her that he knew weren't true but were said in the spare of the moment out of anger.
"I'll show you over the next nine months"
That was the best answer.
That was what she wanted.
She wanted him to be there for her because this was going to be hard.
"You better because to be honest with you joe, you've done something today which hurts and after that I dont know if you trust me"
She told him.
"I know and I'm an idiot dot. I'm sorry and I promise im going to make it up to you by being the dad you want me to be"
He said.
"So you want this?"
She asked.
"Of course I want this. This is our baby. Half of you, half of me, remember. I was just shocked. It wasn't what I expected to wake up to and I know you're probably feeling the same too....and scared"
He said.
"Yeah. I'm scared. You got that right"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He asked her, his arm coming around her waist. He knew this was going to be hard for her.
"I was worried about what this meant for us...I knew this was going to be hard for you to take and I was scared you wouldn't want this and that I would be all on my own"
She began.
"I would never leave you to do it on your own dot. Even if we weren't together, i would of still supported you. You're pregnant with my child at the end of the day. Theres no way I could of just walked away from it all. I care about you, and i care about our future and now that includes a child, yeah it's going to be difficult but i could never walk away"
He tried to explain. He was always going to be there for her, no matter what. This was just one of those hurdles they were going to have to face. It was definitely bigger than the rest but they would get through it.
"Thank you....it erm...it happened that night. Well, you know, the only time we've had sex since we broke up. It's not hard to pin down"
She told him.
"Well that's good, you'd be due in september. I might have to share my birthday"
He made her laugh a little. That's what was needed in that moment.
"Maybe"
She took a long deep breath.
"September seems so far away"
She looked down sadly.
She was terrified about what the next 9 months would bring. Not only would she be carrying a human and feeling all those pregnancy hormones but she would also be working on their relationship. They had to try extra hard now to make sure that their child grew up knowing that mum and dad loved eachother more than anything in the world. That was their goal.
"I know but it will fly by I promise"
He assured her.
"I hope so...."
"When did you find out?"
He asked. Now they had diffused the argument, they could talk properly.
"This morning. I got up early went to the shop and brought a test because the past few days have all been adding up without me realising. Like wanting the pizza, it was obviously a craving looking back on it now. There would be no way, I would just eat meat like that. The pains I got when you layed on me. It's because theres a baby in there and...I guess I'm making milk now. I dont know how early on all that starts but..."
"It will all happen at your pace dot. But its exciting, it shows that the babys healthy especially for you to be getting cravings this early on. You must be about 3 weeks right?"
He said.
"I think a little less. I was definitely not ovulating, i know it can take sometimes even a week to bond into one cell. It is a cell, right, isn't it?"
She asked.
"Yeah, it's a cell. I know science isnt your strong point little one. Well, I dont know much about pregnancy but they cant be forming yet surely. They must be so tiny, like a grain of rice"
He explained.
"That's quite nice to think about. That their going to grow into this little human. But a little human that wont feel so little when I have to push them out"
"I'm sure it will all be ok. We can worry about that when it gets closer, but you're going to do so well. You'll smash this dot"
It was quiet for a few moments. She looked sad and it wasn't just her nerves. There was something much more that was terrifying her.
"You ok?"
He asked her.
"Yeah...I'm just worried about it that's all"
She admitted.
"You dont need to worry about the birth dotty. You can make a plan on what you want to happen and there will be people you can speak to if your scared. I'm sure most women, if not every woman feels nervous about giving birth"
He told her.
"Its not that..."
"I want you to be there joe. I want you to be there, when I'm having this baby. And that what scares me. Nine months is a long time, what if something happens between us? Because were definitely going to have arguments, we literally just did. It's not going to be all perfect. I don't want to go into labour and be scared to come and tell you because were on bad terms from an argument three days before"
"Dont jinx it"
She looked at him, a very nervous look on her face.
"Even if that does happen though dot, you know even if things dont work out and for whatever reason we dont end up together again, you know you can always call me. I'll be there, I promise. No matter what terms were on"
He told her.
"Thank you....."
Even though they had made up this time, it was too early to jinx it....
Wasn't it?.....