ADDIE
I have a new perspective on life. The past few weeks have been very eye opening and in the best way possible. I don't know how to explain it, I feel, lighter, I guess. The fact that I've been able to stay sober since leaving the hospital is a massive achievement in itself. Some days are harder than others, I'm not ashamed to admit that there have been nights where I've been close to downing a bottle of vodka and stealing some coke from Bruno's secret stash because I know where he hides it, but I haven't. If getting sober was easy everyone would do it and I have to be kind to myself, take it one day at a time and if that's not possible take it an hour at a time. It's the advice given to me by my therapist, and it's allowed to be kinder to myself.
Yes, therapist.
Rocco had persuaded me that it would be beneficial to speak to a professional. I had been dead against the idea but in case I changed my mind Rocco had made me an appointment with the best trauma therapist in the city. I went, not really knowing what to expect and thinking it wouldn't work for me. I was wrong.
It's been three weeks since I started, and I go twice a week. Mary is a middle-aged woman who has a calming aura about her which helps me to open up. The sessions so far have all been focused on my substance abuse, I'm not comfortable talking about my childhood or what happened when I was taken. I want to be able work through my addiction before tackling everything else. I'm scared that if we dive into everything else and I haven't got a hold on my vices I'll just fall straight back into them and that can't happen. I have too much going for me right now for it to get fucked up because of drugs.
I also thought it would be the right time to work through my issues because I need to be the strongest version of myself in order to take John down once and for all. Rocco and my brothers have come up with a pretty solid plan, one which will only include me if I feel ready for it. Daniel wasn't happy about it but when is he ever. He voiced his opinions loudly and was told rather impolitely by Paddy to shut the fuck up. They are complete opposites, but both have my best interests at heart. Daniel can be overbearing at times, often taking up the father role but Paddy also doesn't know when he crosses a boundary. They may be bad men in the outside world, but they would tear the world apart for me. As much as I'm flattered it also scares the shit out of me. I would never forgive myself if anything happens to them because of me. Hell, Dan already took a bullet for me and the thought of losing him, doesn't bare thinking about.
A sharp jut to my ribs brings me back to the present. A annoyed looking Paddy stares at me as he jumps circles around me. I realize a puff of air, sending a glare his way. "What the hell was that for?" I demand.
Paddy has been on a mission to get me fighting fit, finishing the process Rocco started by throwing me about a gym for a couple of hours each day. Most of the time it helps, exhausts my body enough that my brain doesn't go into overdrive but today I can't seem to get out of my head. I have a thousand different things that is occupying it. Between fighting my addiction, healing from all my trauma, building a healthy relationship with Rocco and now I have the looming date of meeting my real father. I just feel like I have all these juggling balls up in the air and at some point they are going to fall. I have a building pressure mounting on my chest and I feel like I can barely breathe.
"Your head is not in the fucking game." Paddy snaps. He made himself the boss in my being able to defend myself. Says I need to be able to fight so that nobody can get the upper hand on me again. I may be smaller in size but if I'm trained correctly that shouldn't matter, my skills will out way their size. That's Paddy's philosophy anyway but I think he is harboring some guilt for not being there for me.
Check me. See's a therapist for a few weeks and starts spouting their crap.
"I need a brake, I have too much going on right now." I admit. Now I'm not usually one for giving up on something but I'm done. Mentally and physically, I don't think people realize how hard to is to constantly fight your true instincts. I was dead set against our daily training session today but Paddy never takes no for an answer but he is now going to listen.
"All I'm asking for is two hours of your time Adaline. It really isn't that much to ask for." He just really doesn't get it and I'm not surprised. Paddy has never struggled with anything in his life, or nothing that can be traced on paper. No hidden issues, nothing. I may have asked Bruno to do a little digging and he was more than happy to help.
It just didn't seem fair that my long lost brother knew everything about me and he was a stranger. I don't like not having the upper hand but my findings left me unsatisfied. Patrick O'Connor had the perfect upbringing and I can't help but feel slightly bitter about that.
"You aren't listening to me Patrick. I don't have two hours to give you. This is all too much! I'm going home." I exclaim, I need to get out of here and away from this infuriating man. He seems to think that because we share blood that he knows what's right for me.
He doesn't.
"Adaline-"
A hand wraps round my wrist urging me to stop but I shake it off, "No, let me leave." I demand and I leave the gym without any arguments.
The drive back to the house is quiet and I'm grateful. One of Rocco's men has been designated driver for the day so it means I don't need to start up a conversation. I'm able to try and sort through all the thoughts racing through my mind. I may looking like I have all my shit back together but I like like a duck in water. Calm and collected on the outside but my little legs are working overtime just to keep my afloat. I hate that I'm not perfect and as put together as I once was, I hate that one man was able to completely destroy years of hard work. I'm praying that when he finally meets his maker that I will be free but I'm terrified that no matter what happens, John Webster will still have a hold on me. He took so much of me, used and abused it until I was just a shell of myself and I don't know if I'll ever get that back.
As soon as the car has stopped, I'm out and rushing into the house. Almost running to the one place I can sit and gather my thoughts. The one place that everyone knows just to leave me be, the library. Even at my worst, one of the only things that helps me calm down is picking up a book and immersing myself in someone else's world. I pick up the book I'm currently ready and retreat to the furthest away part of the room. Hiding from everyone just for a few hours, it gives me enough time to work through everything so that I don't fall back into bad habits.
Thanks for the coping mechanism Mary.
"What did that Irish twat do now?" Bruno asks, sitting down next to me.
I did wonder how long it would be until someone found me. I take my nose out the book to find Bruno staring at me with his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes filled with concern.
"Nothing, I just needed some time away from all the noise. Everything was getting a bit much." I shrug, closing my book before placing it back on a shelf. Now the quiet spell has been broken I wont be able to fully divulge back into the realm of imagination.
"You sure?"
"Yes, Bruno I'm sure." A small laugh leaves my lips, anything for this man to find a way to have Paddy on his shit list. "I am just feeling overwhelmed, with meeting Liam and knowing that I'll have to face that monster again I just feel like someone is pushing a weight down on my chest." Man that feels good to let it all out.
"None of it needs to happen if you aren't ready for it. Liam will understand and as for that fucker. His end will come with or without you there and if it's going to be detrimental to your health then you won't be there end of story. Addie all any of us care about is that you are safe and well. Nothing and I mean nothing else matters."
I stare at Bruno in awe, for us getting off on such the wrong foot I am so glad that we have the relationship that we do. Without saying anything I wrap my arms around him for a hug. Blood isn't the only thing that makes you a family, It's dedication and trust. We may not have always been friends but this man is my brother, I would trust him with my life and I am so glad that I have someone else in my corner that understands me. I know something must have happen to him in order for him to relate to my story and while that is a different story for another day I appreciate that he has allowed me in.
"Don't start getting all soppy on my now Bruno. I'll think you have gone soft." I pushing him away laughing as I wipe away a stray tear. He laughs with me and he goes to leave, not before giving me a small smile.
~~~~~~
Deep breaths Addie. Deep breaths.
I have been repeating the words over and over again as I pace the width of Rocco and I's bedroom. I'm actually surprised that I haven't worn a hole in the carpet. Nerves wrack my body as I think about what I want to do tonight. It has been well over a month since I got home for the hospital and Rocco and I have had no intimate contact what's so ever. Like none.
I'm aware it's normal and when I brought it up with Mary I was so embarrassed. Before I would've just got really drunk and slept with a stranger, it would ease the pain for a little while but when the alcohol would wear off I would end up hating myself. This time around though I can't use alcohol as an aid and Rocco isn't just some random man, he is the man that I love. I need our first time to go well and I'm scared I fuck it up.
Mary tried to reassure me that as long as I take things at my pace that it couldn't go wrong but her advice kind of fell of deaf ears. My worries and insecurities have taken over and the urge to not take the leap tries to overcome me. No. I will try this, I want this and I need it. The lack of intimacy has made me feel like Rocco will stray and find someone who is normal and not broken. I know the thoughts are extremely stupid and he isn't like that but the fear is there. I want to get back to what we were like before and in order for that to happen I need to take these first steps.
"Spitfire I can hear you thinking from all the way downstairs." Rocco muses as he enters the bedroom. His suit wrinkled and his tie has been loosened. I stand in the same spot and just stare at him. His hair looking like he has ran his fingers through it multiple time and his eyes look tired.
"I want to try something." I blurt out. I may as well start now.
"Okay baby, what would you like to try." Rocco walks further into the room so that he is within touching distance. Wrapping my finger round the ends of his suit jacket I bring him in closer, close enough that I can press my lips to his. The kiss starts of slow but I soon pick up the pace, nibbling on his bottom lip. The groan that escapes his lips urges me to on and it's not long before we are both battling for dominance.
I take the moment to guide us to the bed before pushing him onto it. "Baby what are you doing?" His question comes out husky. Lust overtaking his eyes and the bulge in his suit pants tells me he wants this.
"I told you, trying something." I state before stripping myself of all my clothes except my underwear. His eyes roam my exposed body and instead of feeling nervous like I thought, I feel powerful. I have an all consuming heat ripping through my body which urges me on. We both need this.
I pull his tie off before unbuttoning his shirt. Rocco helps by freeing himself on the item of clothing. Once off I let my eyes roam over his sculpted tattooed chest, taking a deep breath I take both of his wrist and tie them together. The action has his eyes widening, I have thought this plan through and the only way that this is going to work is if I have all the control.
"Baby.." Rocco's voice is unsure but I press my lips to his, essentially shutting him up.
"I need you to trust me." I say, my voice steady even if my heart is pounding in my chest. I unbutton his pants and with his help I drag them from his legs. We are both left in just our underwear and before I can back out I climb back on top of his.
As soon as my core comes into contact with the hard ridge of his cock we both groan. Fuck this feels good. Closing my eyes I jut my hips forward and an electric current shoots through my body. Even with underwear on I can still feel every ridge of his cock. I start to move my hips faster, letting the pleasure take over.
Our moans and groans start to fill the room, I would usually feel so embarrassed ay how wet I am just with dry fucking but I'm not. It feels far too fucking good.
"Fuck baby you feel so good!" Rocco moans as his hips buck up to reach my thrusts. He may not be able to touch me but that isn't stopping me. My nails dig into his chest as I move my hips up and down, moaning each time my clits rubs against the head of his cock.
"Rocco, keep doing that!" I moan, burying my head in the crook of his neck. Sucking and biting at the skin, relishing in the salty taste of his sweaty skin. Both of our skin glistening with sweat as we work towards the end. That tingling feeling in the base of my spine begins to over take. After a few more thrusts we both come undone with a moan. Without thinking I untie Rocco's hands, wanting nothing more than to be in his embrace. I may needed to have full control of the moment it's self but now all I want is to be wrapped up in him.
We both lay there breathless but wrapped up in each other. Fuck that felt good to be close to him again and I was able to finish without freaking out. It might only be a small step but its a step in the right direction.
"Fuck Addie! I am so proud of you baby." Rocco tightens his arms around me before pressing a kiss to the side of my head.
"I love you Rocco." I mumble into his neck, my heart almost bursting at the overwhelming feeling.
"I love you too baby."
And for this first time in a long time I'm proud of myself. Maybe everything will all workout the way it's supposed to.
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Hello Darlings!
Happy Saturday! Hope you are all having a wonderful weekend.
I'm so sorry that this update has taken so long. Work and home life has been a bit crazy but I'm back.
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