Part 1.
Second POV
You had meant to be in your room studying. It was already two hours later since you got home, lying around and snacking and indulging in whatever activity the boys were doing while the need to knock out more schoolwork prodded the back of your brain. As much as the urge was felt, your body didn't bring itself to start just yet. Apparently it wanted to play a couple rounds of video games with Mikey—as zoned out and on autopilot as you were—shove more chips into your mouth—even though you weren't actually hungry—and doze off on Leo's shoulder for a little bit, which he helpfully coaxed you into.
You knew you were losing time. You could be pages ahead by now, but letting yourself lean against Leo as his hand rubbed your shoulder in soft circles until you dozed off on the couch was somehow so much easier.
You couldn't nap long before the nagging at the back of your mind finally won. Your brain just would't shut up, and clearly only one thing would make that go away.
It wasn't just school occupying your mind like any other day, either. From morning until now your mind rattled on with thoughts of all the things you needed to take care of. The issue of handling Mr. O'Neil's guardianship of you before the next meeting coming up sat on your mind for almost the whole day during classes. You still hadn't cracked the puzzle in figuring out how to keep him out of trouble or relieve him of the position without being moved back into a group home. No loopholes were to be found, and as soon as the stress gateway was opened it easily found other paths to torment your mind with for the rest of the day.
Rather than focusing in class you also came to think the possibility that if anyone had been watching you that day and continues to stalk, showing them the monthly time address for your visits to FCS's building probably wasn't a good idea... and that thought led to how long it had been since your last training session with Raph. How your plan for balancing all of these priorities was starting to fall apart. And as of right now, your brain was still lagging one step behind, trying to remember a single important thing from school today so at least you'd know you paid some attention. Apparently you didn't.
Leo had stayed with you until your head lifted from his shoulder, mumbling something about needing to get started. Seemingly satisfied with your cat nap, he rubbed your back and told you he'd be in the dojo.
Nearly dead on your feet, you dragged yourself into the kitchen in aim for Donnie's coffee pot. Or, maybe it was for anyone, but Donnie was the only one who used it. So much that it always made you wonder why he didn't keep it in his lab. Either way, coffee was a must-have right now if the buzzing in your brain and lead in your bones was any indicator. The burnout was coming soon and that was not good.
You had actually finally been on the way to the bedrooms to do your work, still really not looking forward to it for today, when you passed Donnie's lab on the way there. Those cracked lab doors tempted you all too well. One last brief distraction before you holed up in your room for the rest of the night.
You peeked in, unsure if it was an okay time to interrupt. "Heeey, Don Don."
He was sitting at his desk, leaned far back in his chair like he'd been sitting there in that idle position for a while. "Hey, Y/n."
You tentatively stepped in, a full mug in hand. His desk was never empty to begin with, but right now it just seemed scattered with random machinery parts all the place. "Whatcha doin'?"
"Just... tinkering." His tone was lighter than usual as he poked at a piece of tech until it flipped over. You could tell Donnie was either stumped for ideas, or sad about something.
Coming closer, you saw more of the scrap metal filling his desk area. That and some head-shaped-looking metal box with a yellow band around its perimeter, one antenna sticking up from it.
He still appeared in deep thought, and it clicked that he was probably getting ready to go out soon.
"Right. You guys have some Kraang mission today." Your tracks stopped, ready to reverse and let him work.
"No, no. I'm just messing around here. This won't be finished anytime soon, really." He looked away from the parts in front of him for the first time, waving you over. "Come on in."
And you did, deciding to take the seat nearby Donnie's table. Stretching your feet down to reach the floor, you rolled over to get a closer look at everything laid out in a precise order.
"So... Leo told you about the mission huh?"
"Not really. Just mentioned it." You shrugged and took a sip of the hot beverage. "Is it something to do with that newt guy and Raph's old pet?"
"... It's likely they'll be there." Donnie settled for the indirect answer.
It would actually be very inconvenient if they are, he thought. He would have only have one shot to try and find any information on you at TCRI, in case he doesn't get enough time to find anything and the Kraang wipe out or further encrypt everything afterwards so they can't try hacking in again.
Sure, Leo accommodated for that possibility in the plan. And Don is well aware Raph probably has some words to say to Slash if they meet again, but as fraught as the circumstances already are, he wasn't so sure his brothers would be able to hold off dozens of Kraang droids and those guys. Not unless Slash and Newtralizer left them alone and provided a big enough distraction for all those Kraang...
Donnie looked over to you now, intending not to be rude by dropping into one of his many schools of thought. You were looking into the brownness of the mug, swirling it some as you fidgeted with it in your hands. Eventually, you set it down in a safe clear space before it could spill on you.
Donnie understood. He had been exhausted and simultaneously burdened enough times to understand the restlessness. You must be in need of something to do with your hands.
Unless that was just his brain happily identifying one more member of the inner circle that might not deny any chance to aid with his work. With a smile, he picked up a wrench. "Wanna help?"
You grab the end of the table and roll closer, right next to Don and equally in front of the scrap pile. "Sure. If I can."
With more of a lively smile, Donnie picks up the hunk of metal in the center and hands it to you. As you took it, you realized the bottom and top halves of this 'head' weren't connected, merely sitting on top of each other to look that way.
"Just adding some screws would be great. I gotta get started on this sometime, right?"
You smiled helpfully, seeing Donnie become more motivated than when you came in. You sat up and started working on the task in your lap as Donnie began some menial but necessary circuitry work.
Getting the first bolt situated into the side of the metal 'jaw', you moved on to tightening the top and bottom halves together. You paused to move the yellow-banded metal around for a better angle, becoming able to see its eyes peeking through the band, too. The resemble of a turtle. You hummed in amusement. Donnie may be a scientist first, but his creative side was never lacking in his inventions either.
Donatello was much more active and focused now, working carefully on a hand-sized board of damaged circuits. Leaning back to inspect his corrections, he glanced over at you again, noticing you take yet another drink out of that mug every minute or so.
"Coffee working for ya?" He mused as you set the insulator down again.
"I'll find out if I don't fall asleep on my homework later." The scientist chuckled as you rubbed your eyes. "I know, I know. All the caffeine will kill me at this rate."
"I think you're getting your bandanas crossed." He points out. "I'm the last turtle to lecture you on caffeine intake. I get how vital it can be to getting a ton of work done."
You hum humorously, seeming to understand just as Donnie meant.
He could've well assumed by now that you know how Leo refuses to ever put coffee into his system. Not that he ever needed to. He was much more disciplined about not staying up all night to bother with engineering their next patrol buggy or defensive weaponry. Luckily Leo's worries over the dangers of coffee really only persisted back in their tween years when Donnie first started drinking it. He wasn't so sure Leo would extend that courtesy now, understanding the Worry Warrior was trying to get you to get more sleep as it is.
"How is it all coming?"
You didn't have to guess what he was asking about. "I'm... on schedule, I guess."
"You haven't had trouble juggling school and training?" D inquired curiously, sticking his tongue out as a small piece of wire was giving him trouble.
"Well... yeah." You admitted. "I haven't really gotten to that in a while. The training."
For a moment Donnie had to let your response sink into his brain, causing him to eventually pause with the circuit board in his hand again. "I thought Raph was helping you with that."
"Yeah. I haven't really had time. Doing nothing but homework when I'm here is pretty much the only reason I've stayed on track." Of course, by that you meant working to the bone as much as possible every night in hopes that would complete everything in a halfway decent amount of time.
"Are you worried about falling behind?"
"I... I don't know. I guess not." You had to think on that. Getting as far as being able to defend yourself had been so important to you when you first started, and now it was the first thing to take the back burner. "I've kinda just been focused on school lately. There's not room for much else."
Donnie hummed with a nod, presuming that was logically fair. You have protection at all times of the day when outside of the lair. And with Leo's necklace around your neck you'd always be able to reach him and his brothers in the worst case scenario.
Of course, what you don't know about is this whole Kraang situation that's suddenly becoming a factor. None of them knew much detail about it, really. The thought took Donnie back to the last time Leo kept word from you, when the rest of them all collectively helped him bite the bullet in the interest of your safety. Now... Donnie could somewhat understand his hesitance. You knew next to nothing about the Kraang as it was and it wouldn't do any good for you to know the possibility of an extra threat on top of The Foot on the lookout for you, too.
The necessary precautions were already in place. That is, if Leo told April and Casey about these new developments at least. That was something Donnie would have to add onto his long mental checklist as a time-sensitive priority.
"I've nearly missed my fair share of training sessions getting caught up in work." He offered, sensing some guilt coming from you. "I'm just surprised Leo hasn't blown a gasket."
"Not yet," you mumble, twisting your wrist upwards.
This caused the inventor to elicit a small laugh. Your repetitive motion in the corner of his eye brought his attention to you again. He saw the humor missing from your own expression. And the rigor growing in your movements as you continued tightening the bolt.
Donnie's brain began running diagnostics like he was the piece of circuitry riddled with wires and numbers. He found himself analyzing your behavior now, maybe falling back into Therapist Donnie's persona a little bit.
You were suddenly so intensely focused on the task. It was like there had been an energy transfer between the two of you. You were the pensive one now, fallen into racing thoughts despite the provided distraction. That was fine. If busy work wasn't enough, it looked like you would need some encouraging words instead.
You pulled the wrench free, and Donnie casually scooted the remaining nuts and bolts along the table to you. "I don't blame you. You've been in school your whole life so I'm sure you know what you're doing. If you have a plan and stick to it things will work out. Once your work load's clear, you'll have plenty of time to pick up where you left off. A little bit of time out of the dojo won't keep you from getting stronger."
"Stronger. Right."
A frown settled into Donnie at the irony in your tone. One more he glanced over at you. He heard the brief laugh in that response but your eyes were only becoming more pensive. Usually you chose your words and delivery more carefully. It wasn't hard for him to notice that, between his observant nature and his awareness of your social anxiety. Until more recently when the awkwardness of talking with each like this dissipated day by day, it wasn't often you let something slip past. He felt it must have become muscle memory in here by now. In the same way this became his sanctuary, you fight less to conceal the things bothering you when talking in here.
"What does that mean?"
He saw your hands pause, and the hesitance in your eyes when you looked up. "Nothing... sorry, I didn't mean to say that."
"Hey, might as well talk about something while we work right? If you want." He offered a harmless smile, then turned back to his circuitry work to let you decide. Donatello found it more beneficial having some kind of gateway for discussion between you two, so
it didn't have to feel like you were having an in depth lay-out-on-the-couch session on your inner most thoughts and feelings.
"I mean, Leo and Raph... they've especially been trying to make sure I'm prepared as much as possible to keep going to the surface, and that makes sense in my head, but... but part of me feels like all of that still won't make a difference."
"Why is that?"
Your hands rested for a moment to let you think. It made sense you didn't know the answer yourself. "It's helping. It is. It's just... in the long run I can't see it being enough. Like," you let out a sign of frustrating, trying to get the words out, "I don't know, it can't ever be enough. At this point it just seems like the only way you get stronger is through trauma."
Donnie was following until that last comment. The ridges above his eyes crinkled slightly. "... How do you mean?"
Your head shook, eyes shifting while you tried to elaborate. "Like, in life. Bad stuff has to happen to you before you learn anything. Like... when you watch shows and movies and stuff, no one can ever just know better, they have to get hurt before they really get it. It's just worse in the real world."
You weren't completely wrong– not completely. Donnie knew that. He also got more and more used to your beliefs that he couldn't always tell if they were more pessimistic or realistic. He had come to realize it was the first contrasting perspective he's heard from someone with such a different experience than him and his brothers. Than even Sensei, April and Casey, who also led human lives with their own misfortunes, but didn't share quite the same outlook on life as you.
"And with everything that's happened to you, dont you think you're stronger now?"
Again, your tightening motion slowed, redirecting Donnie's eyes to your musing expression. The lack of glimmer or even optimistic light catching your eyes answered him loud and clear. "No. But, I know more than I did."
"Does that not make you stronger?"
"... No." You answer, giving another moment of passive contemplation. "... I guess it makes you smarter, but at the end of the day you should always be able to rely on yourself, alone, and... I used to think I knew how to do that because of how long I took care of myself, but... now I know I can't."
Donatello felt himself straightening up, quick to pull you back from this habit of being so hard on yourself. "No one can do everything alone when you get hurt like how you did, Y/n." He spied your slumped demeanor and lifeless eyes, still able to tell that you were listening. "Everyone gets help from time to time. It's a basic human need and that's okay. Others' strength becomes your strength."
You were twisting the wrench faster, and responded in an auto-piloted flat tone. "It's still bad to rely on it though."
"Is it?"
The question made your motions stop; your subconscious train of thought, too. For a moment you wondered if you had said something wrong to him. You paused to think over your words and tone, hoping they didn't come off as harsh. "... Isn't it bad to need to rely on other things? Seems like that would be some kind of ninja rule. About, self-sufficiency or something...?"
"Well, yes. To an extent. It's important, but there's also a reason we have clans," Donnie points out, offering a more sanguine smile. You nodded fairly at his point. He thought more as you turned back to your work. "I think for you it may be more of a wired survival response now."
"I guess but... I've felt like this before Ka–" you stopped short and sigh irritably, yanking the wrench off once finished with one side, "before."
"Exactly. Even before then." Donnie revised gently.
"Oh... You mean my parents."
"Do you think they could be the whole reason why self-sufficiency is such a need to you? Why you feel guilty when we help you?"
"Maybe..." You admit. Heat radiated from your skin at the ease in which he called you out. Leo and Donnie really had that observation skill in common. "But, it also just seems like what life is trying to teach me." Your hands move the robotic head on your lap to access the other side. "I had a mom and a dad and life told me to learn how to get along without them. I only felt better about any of that when I left the group homes to take care of myself. And now I have to learn how to fight so I don't nearly die again if..."
Your twisting hand lingered unsurely once again at realizing you ran right into one of the 'don't talk about it' points. Donnie, however, was right there with a segue for you.
"I think you're right."
You look over at him, perplexed. After a moment a sad scoff slipped out from you. "No you don't."
"I do."
"I'm being morbid and negative again. I'm supposed to be doing the opposite." You argue with a melancholy smile that you barely managed to keep up.
"Sure the mindfulness matters, but you have a right to be, Y/n... And I won't lie, I know it's bad to rely too much on other things." Donnie realized maybe he understood that the most out of all his brothers. He relies on his tech and intelligence more than anything. It's how he moves about the world, how he breathes. Ninjutsu was a close second; still a form of nature ingrained to him, just not the primary one. If he looked over to your lap or on his cluttered desk he would see parts of the robot you're repairing that he literally created to go into battle for him. "Unfortunately in this world there might always be the day my brothers and I aren't together, for whatever reason... Or when Sensei gets older and isn't around anymore. He tries to prepare us for that, but I know that my skills; my tech, my bo staff aren't always going to protect me. Anything could happen at any time and we have no control over it. That doesn't mean you should never let yourself rely on others."
It was for your benefit, starting out. But as he went on, Donnie found himself sinking further into that rabbit hole. It was something he'd always known, but only every once in a while did the possibility really hit him. Like now, he always found himself grateful during those times, that he's always had people to rely on.
You rely on them. His brothers and himself rely on each other all the time. They rely on Sensei to become stronger and more independent, but also more cohesive as a team as well. They rely on April and even Casey, and Y/n does the same. They all rely on you to keep their existence secret, and simply as a very loyal close friend. That's exactly what you do, and what you are.
Donnie's been lucky enough that relying on others has never let him down, he comes to suddenly understand.
Not everyone has that luxury.
He had to wonder what his outlook on life would look like if he grew up more like you: abandoned so young, living in too many different places by the will of distant strangers who controlled so many aspects of your life.
"I know it's a lot to unlearn. I mean there's not just your parents but frustrations with growing up in group homes and still dealing with foster services, too..."
You awkwardly smiled at such lighthearted conversation material. "Leo told you about that too huh?"
"I know I miss a lot being cooped up in here all the time, but I still pay immense attention. I could see you were off after you came back from your last meeting. And even though you've barely mentioned the next one coming up I'm sure you're not too excited for that either."
"And here I thought I was the most closed book ever."
"You internalize a lot but your facial expressions give away more than you think." He returned your joking tone, lightly smiling. "Y/n, I think you need to cut yourself some slack. It's not your fault you're in this position. I mean, you said only trauma makes you stronger, but you don't believe that's the case for yourself?"
You let out a humorous laugh, letting your head drop into your palm. "I know it doesn't make any sense... I don't know where my head's at." Your voice wavered tiredly; you massaged the side of your head and then rubbed over eyes. "All day it's just been..."
"Yeah. It makes sense, on a certain level. Give yourself time. Seriously. There are good things that have come from relying on us, too, right? You gained a new sanctuary to get away from the real world when needed, and, we all really enjoy you living here."
"Really?"
"Yeah." Donnie sets the circuit board aside and smiles wider at you. "I mean, it kind of feels like you've always been here."
"Aw..." You mumbled sheepishly, reverting your head back to your lap so he wouldn't see your excited reaction.
"Have you told anyone other than me about this struggle you've had with asking for help?"
You only thought for a second or two, remembering how Leo's noticed the issue with you, but you never actually admitted it. You shook your head.
"That's okay. It's understandable why it doesn't feel natural to you to ask for help with whatever you need. But, now that you know you have people to rely on, maybe you can give yourself a break and try to let your guard down enough to?" Donnie wore an encouraging smile as you seemed less put off by the suggestion now. "It can be so much easier not needing to be in control all the time, trust me."
Oh yeah, there's that pesky ironic need to feel in control he's mentioned, too. The idea of letting all of this go didn't feel quite as impossible now, but the risk still left a nauseating weight at the bottom of your stomach.
"Do you really think it would help?" Your voice was soft, but desperation still found its way in.
"I do." He responded unwaveringly. "Y/n, we all want to help. It's what we do anyway."
"Yeah." You nodded and looked back down, pensive. Your attention flew back to the heavy metal sitting on your legs. Pulling the wrench off, you lifted it up to observe the handiwork. It looked much better with mouth connected properly, until the bottom half popped open, slinking down until it sat into a gape. "Crap– sorry, I guess I didn't do it right."
"No, that's supposed to happen." Donnie grinned and sat up, moving closer to look over it. "You are great at tightening screws."
This makes you chuckle lightly, feeling a little better. "What is this anyway?"
"A project I started once..." He took the head into his hands, trailing off. The look in his eyes as he stared at the robotic turtle head led you to believe there was more to say there. But ultimately Donnie felt it wouldn't be beneficial to either of you to get into that story right now. "It's been a while but I thought maybe it was time to start rebuilding again."
"Seems like a good start."
"Yeah." He sets the metal down next to his own finished product, patting the top of its head. "Ol' Metalhead just needs some time and attention."
"Metalhead." You repeat, chuckling again. "Oh, you let Mikey name him."
"Uh, no. Actually I did." He smiled a little sheepishly. "It was admittedly the first thing I came up with... Which... maybe I would've come up with something different back then if Mikey wasn't stuck in his naming-everything-so-literally stage."
"Aw, I'm sure he was happy he inspired the name." You found yourself grinning more. "Metalhead's catchy."
"Heh. Thanks." Donnie turned back to the yellow-banded head with a distant look on his eyes. You sat quietly watching him and wondering what all must have gone on the first time he built it.
The silence didn't stretch too long before he pulled his hand away and turned back to you. "My point is, Y/n, we take taking care of our own very seriously. We're all more than happy to help, and you know how much Leo cares about you especially. I can't imagine there's anything you could ask him to do he wouldn't jump the chance at. If it's too hard talking to us, maybe start with him."
It sounded like a smart idea coming from Donnie, but imagining going to Leo made you realize he was surprisingly the one you were most nervous about. Even if it made logical sense in your head that you could always go to him, asking the one who's helped and sacrificed for you the most for more help just made you feel like an awful person.
"Or if you still feel like that's too much, you can start with something small." Donnie spoke up again after watching your face give away some of your thoughts. "Baby steps are always good, and if it works out hopefully you feel better about asking again next time."
"I'm sure you're right." That sounded more like something you might be able to try. With a lot of courage to work up first... You smiled to the best of your ability. "I'm gonna think about it."
And that was the truth, because you couldn't promise you would come to wholeheartedly believe all of it. The constant battle of your head and heart attacking each other didn't make it so simple.
Donnie knew he gave you a lot to think about. He just hoped it made sense, that it could help. He also wonder what those DIY therapist websites would have to say about an overflow of too much advice at once.
"Okay. I should really stop procrastinating." You announce, grabbing your coffee mug and rising from the rolly chair.
"Thanks for the assistance. And uh... you know you can always come talk to me about any of this, but, if you ever wanna take it easy, or just tighten bolts in silence, we can do that, too."
You cradled the warm glass mug in your hand, thinking how nice it would be to destress in the calm environment of the lab. When there wasn't too much going on in the living room, it was the only quiet place you could go to in the lair, other than Leo's room. You found yourself wondering when stopped feeling so uneasy in here and got rather comfortable instead. Your lips stretch, smiling a little easier this time, and you nod. "Okay. Thanks, Donnie. Good luck with Metalhead."
"Heh. Yeah. Thanks, Y/n."
After closing the lab doors shut, you wavered in place. You really needed to start on your dreaded work for the night, but Donnie's words scraped slowly towards the forefront of your mind all the while. In a sense, you did feel better about possibly approaching this. Although the goal was to be able to successfully handle school yourself before needing to ask for help.
And then there was the factor of the guys' work. They do too many important things to keep being held back any longer. Letting them be further pulled out of their own lives and into your own needs still felt wrong. But both Leo and Donnie have said you could ask, no matter how much help you need.
There is at least one instance where you could say you actually asked for help once. You had gone to Raph yourself asking for more help with training. Maybe it was easier because it was only a couple hours after a panic attack. And, technically you were asking him to do the same thing he was already doing. Although, now you were completely forgetting about the lessons and practically blowing him off, after making such a big deal about them...
Training felt like the most important thing then. How in the world did homework become the only priority? At the very least Raph didn't have a problem with the request. In fact, he's seemed more quietly excited about kicking the training up a notch. And he did at one point ask you if you were ready for him to turn you into a badass.
And this week you repaid him by forgetting to show up. Great. That's one more thing you'll really have remember to make right. And actually somehow getting back to training every week.
Maybe simple time management is small enough to take baby steps with? But, confessing how much trouble you've had with juggling these few simple things would just make everyone try jump into your make-up work with you, which much more than you're willing to ask while everyone's already doing all they can for you.
Even if it would really speed up this impossible process late work... And it's probably the exact thing Donnie thinks you should be putting yourself out there with.
But what about when they get tired of the burden? When having what's supposed to be a friendship becomes too much? When it becomes irritating having that one friend in the group who can't take care of anything by themselves...
There's no reason what happened before won't happen again.
No– they're good people. They're trustworthy.
So was Dad. That doesn't mean they're incapable of getting tired of you. What's to keep them from regretting taking on all the weight from your life?
. . .
Maybe I should've asked those questions while I was in there.
Suddenly you felt a completely different kind of exhausted. Why did every single thought in your head have to be so deeply negative?
Your head drops down rather ungracefully. Only half of the coffee was gone. Taking the distraction and granting yourself one last put off, you detour to the kitchen to top yourself before diving into the torture.
"Please tell me that's not coffee."
"God–" You jolt, stopping the flow of coffee into the mug before you could burn yourself. You looked over to Leo, stopped just inside the kitchen entrance. He really couldn't help the whole ninja sneak thing huh?
You took a quick two-second survey of him. He wasn't sweaty, which meant he was just meditating instead of training, probably with Master Splinter.
"It's... not coffee?"
"It's 6 PM."
"Mhm. Which means I have hours of work to speed through before you get back and force me to bed."
"I don't see why there would be any forcing involved." A smile tugged at one of his cheeks, and he pointed a browless eye ridge towards you. "You agreed you'd start going to bed at midnight."
"Very true. I should make sure the coffee lasts me that long." You thought aloud, forgetting to stick with the not coffee rouse.
Leo moved closer as you grabbed the coffee pot again. "You realize that needing that to stay awake this early in the night means your body is telling you it needs sleep more than anything else?"
"I will sleep, later tonight. At midnight when you all get home."
Leo didn't respond immediately, taking advantage of the fact that your back was turned to him for the time being. Unsure thoughts sunk into his mind as he settled against the counter opposite you. That time frame was dependent on how the mission went. Even with his immense amount of precise preparation, a mission could never actually go according to plan. And with a mutagen warped mutant and crazy Kraang-hating alien on the loose, it was bound to go sideways in big ways.
Typically if it were a regular patrol tonight just he would and whoever didn't want to take take a longer patrol shift that night would be getting home that early, since full patrols still weren't a safe option. He would check up on you, and since Donnie usually was the one to come back with him, he would continue with whatever project he was currently working on.
Midnight was around the peak time The Foot would really start creeping out, but as of late it's been completely silent. It both comforted Leonardo in terms of your immediate safety, and yet rubbed him all the wrong ways in terms of everyone's safety in the long run. Shredder was never one for silence.
Luckily Raph and Mikey were okay still staying out longer and handling night life; keeping a lower profile than usual for an extra couple hours at most in case anything went down. It was almost the middle of November, when the clocks were about to turn back. He and his brothers always enjoyed the coupon extra hours of darkness an earlier sunset granted them. It was the perfect opportunity for a ninja to take advantage of, and yet there was nothing for him or any of his team to report along the lines of Foot activity...
All the more reason they had to complete this mission tonight. Why it had to be successful.
"If you keep drinking coffee you won't be able to fall asleep until hours later," he pointed out after a moment too long of quiet stretched. "Which means you'll crash right before you have to get up again for school."
"I'm not gonna drink that much. Just enough until you come and put me to sleep." You teased, finishing the refill.
"Y/n! You haven't even finished your first cup–"
"Yeah, which means I'm drinking a mug and a half instead of two." You reason, facing him with a cheeky facade now. Your index finger tapped the side of your brain. "That's regulation right there."
Despite your lightheartedness, Leo's eyes didn't pull away from the newest coping mechanism. There was always so much worry in his bones. Sometimes you thought you two were exactly alike in that way.
You let your jocular grin fall into a leveling expression of sympathy. You know well enough he's not wanting to control what you do. It's the worrying until he starts growing gray hairs you focus on. "Leo, I promise. I know better than to keep chugging coffee this late." You set the caffeine dose down and close the canyon of space between you two. Leo's arms wrap around you, his face showing no less worry yet. "This is my last cup. Trust me, I don't want to be kept up all night."
Leaning against him, you could more easily see the worry lines beneath his mask unravel from between his eyes. His pupils darted between yours quietly before eventually nodding, only looking a fraction less distraught. He looked down to you, enjoying the sight of your chin resting on his plastron and the feel of your weight leaning into him. "I'm just not sure forcing yourself to stay up is the best thing for you right now."
"I get you're worried." You nod, shifting in his embrace to rub at your eye. "It's just until I catch up on sleep this weekend." Leo blinked at hearing you slurring your words. Oh you were tired tired. And barely keeping your eyes open wasn't really helping either.
"You know that stuff is addictive right?"
"Tch." You laugh, in the scoff-like way you do when finding Leo's 'mother hen' tendencies entertaining. You snaked your arms around his middle and snuggled up as if you were ready to go to asleep on him right then and there. "You turned out fine."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't see you chugging energy drinks anymore."
"... You knew about that huh?" He eventually lets lose an awkward smile. Then his fingers reach up to rustle your hair. "Observant little kunoichi in training."
You laugh and shake your head to stop him, unwilling to let go of him to do it yourself. "Hey, don't call me little."
His light chuckle made your eyes droop closed again. You could've slipped into an endless bliss if you weren't putting so much effort into merely standing up right now. That and the stimulation of his hand smoothing over your hair kept you partially awake.
You rested your head onto his chest like a pillow, letting your eyes close. "Would you feel better if I had those little energy drinks instead of the coffee?"
Once smoothed back to the way you had your hair before, Leo nestled his chin onto the top of your head. "Not really. I doubt they're any better."
"Of course." You smile at the answer. "I bet you threw those things away first chance you got. Out of respect for your body." You quipped again. He doesn't say anything this time either, prompting you to move your head to look up.
He was looking straight ahead, through the space above your head. It was easy to see this quietness wasn't because of some immediate worry. Something about that last joke silenced him, and you had to think back over it.
"... What, you still have them?" You ask doubtfully. But his lack of response when he looks at you confirms it. A more anxious part of you had to question why he was being so strange about it. Suddenly you were the one in worrisome shoes, reaching your own conclusion. You took a step back, eyes wide and on him. "You're not still drinking them are you?"
"No." His head tilted, until he shook his head. "No, I don't need to." He finally spoke again, holding onto your hands when you pulled back. He held yours in a comfortable grip, unwilling to sever the contact.
His silence before made you inexplicably nervous. The possibility that he could've easily been still drinking them without you knowing mulled over you. It seemed certain he stopped at one point when the vans stopped disappearing. What reason could there be for him to start again? You weren't even sure the last time he drank one of those things was to guess.
"Hey. Come here." Leo tugged your hands again, snapping you from your train of thought. He wrapped his arms around you again, placing you right back into the crook of his shoulder. "I haven't touched any of those drinks in a long while. You can relax."
"... Okay."
He said it sincerely, so it was enough reason for you to believe him. The only thing that really still nagged at you was that look of... was it guilt on his face? Pity? If he's not drinking them why would he still have them? And why would he act weird about...
Just in case.
Oh. Of course.
It dawned on you that he would've gotten rid of them if he felt certain enough your nightmares were gone for good. It's been almost a couple months since the last one, yet he was still...
You hadn't even been thinking about the nightmares. You forced yourself never to again. That and having Leo there with you every night helped to keep them at bay. But he still does. He still keeps precautionary measures around to be prepared for it. Now, you had to wonder if you should be worried about the same–
"Relax," his voice soothed softly, smoothing up and down your back now. The distraction was just what you needed, forcing you away from that road you were about to go down.
Stop thinking. It does you no good.
Your arms snuck around his middle again, meeting at the back of his shell. You let him hold you around the waist and rub your back in a nice slow rhythm until you could relax against him once more. Until his warm and entrancing presence surrounded you and you nearly felt as comfortable as a baby swaddled and being put to sleep on a warm chest.
You had nearly fallen asleep standing there letting him cocoon you like that. But soon enough you felt the caffeine in your veins shielding off any possibility of prolonged rest. As comfortable as were, you knew it was for the best, despite Leo's soothing sleep tactics you've become more than familiar with.
"You know I'm not gonna fall asleep again, right?"
His shoulders shake due to a hearty laugh. "I'm not always trying to put you to sleep ya know. You just hold so much tension in your body."
"Oh." You mutter, smiling a little. That wasn't anything Raph hasn't told you enough times in training. It was hard to control it but not usually hard to realize for you. Most of the time it was better around Leo. Lately it hasn't made much of a difference who you were with or where.
"How's it all coming along?" His voice was gentler.
Your eyes opened groggily. You really did need to finish that cup.
"It's... coming along." You answer, which was true. Maybe not as quickly as you wished, but at least you had maintained a consistent pace. That didn't stop you from feeling like you were getting nowhere, though.
Disappointment betrayed you. He didn't need a clear view of your face to tell your real feelings. You were usually better at lying than that. Not good enough that Leo couldn't see through it, but still better. Probably another side affect from all the fatigue. He saw the invisible weights around your neck hanging down from your shoulders.
"You know, I bet I could help you with some of it. That might help things go by faster."
He felt your shoulders immediately tense back up. His hand stopped its circular motion at the sudden response, all his work at smoothing out your bones thrown out the window.
What was that?
Again, his eyes shifted down to you. "... Are you okay?"
He leaned away slightly to get a look at you. From his view he could see you squirming over his inquisitive stare, your brain working to figure out what he's doing. But he couldn't help analyzing the signs. The suddenly tense demeanor, the way you kept yourself at a distance now, the sullen facial features. You were right back to where you were before, tired and worn down, in more ways than one.
What were you thinking about now?
The first thing Leo did was make sure there wasn't some hidden trigger he missed. As far as he could tell there wasn't anything physical that contributed to it. And he saw nothing in your face or eyes to indicate you were feeling any fear or danger. So he backtracked over his speech, up to the exact moment you froze up.
After seconds of silence passed between you two, both submersed in your own thoughts, Leo tilted his head and finally spoke.
"Why do you think you can't ask for help?"
He must have hit the nail on the head. Your eyes averted his and you appeared even more uncomfortable. It confused him maybe a little more than he felt it should have. But you had been so much better about allowing them to help you as much as they could. Well– except for with your schoolwork...
And Leo finally understood. It was this. That was your most prominent issue to face right now—that you knew of right now anyway—and you'd been actively trying to keep him away from it. Every casual decline of assistance hid so much more behind it.
"I... I don't think that."
"You do."
You stared at him, until your gaze fell away from his. He wasn't sure what you were thinking, but clearly you still weren't ready to talk. Not without a push.
"Y/n... you don't have to do all of this on your own."
Your head shakes. "I haven't done anything on my own since summer."
"And there's nothing wrong with that." He promised, wishing you would meet his eyes. You didn't have to say anything aloud for him to tell you disagreed. "You're still healing and I don't think you should have to shoulder the entire workload on your own... Last year when April had to stay down here, too, we did the same thing. Trained her, and helped her with school. It was mainly Donnie and Master Splinter, but it helped. It's not any trouble." It looked like the burden was only weighing heavier on you the more Leo spoke. He frowned, opting to try something else. He reached out one hand, gently capturing your wrist and sliding down to surround your smaller hand in his. "Why don't you talk to me? Tell me what's bothering you."
You parted your lips to speak, needing to make this sound as unimportant as possible. "Everyone's already doing a lot for me. I just think it's better if my schoolwork isn't something else you guys have to worry about."
"You know I don't care about that. It seems like putting all of this on yourself is making it harder. It wouldn't be as much trouble as you think."
"Leo..." You begin too tiredly, but it was clear to see you weren't getting out of this conversation so easily. If only your head wasn't too groggy to skirt around the truth as easily. "I... It's..." You keep starting to have your thoughts run off a cliff, while Leo sat patiently in wait for you to finish. You sigh in frustration, shutting your eyes to think. "Everything still reminds me of what happened. Every single thing we do goes back to how I got hurt and it just feels like everything has to revolve around my..."
Weakness, fragility, incompetence.
All words you knew Leo wouldn't like for you to use. Or Donnie for that matter. And probably any therapist worth a dime.
Leo nods when you exhale and let the thought trail off. "Yeah, that makes sense... I don't want everything to feel like a reminder. It just... well it seems like doing all the work yourself has been just as stressful."
"I mean... yes. It's not easy but I thought... I figured I could do this one thing on my own. Like, I could actually be able to handle something myself like things were normal."
"Letting us help doesn't mean you can't. It just takes less off of you."
You look down at the floor now, unsure what to say since he was so full of good points. "I guess. I... I was hoping it would make me feel better."
His hand moved around to your palm, and naturally you opened up enough to let your fingers intertwine. "Maybe being able to finish your late work sooner will help with that? I'm worried you'll get way too stressed if you keep trying to do all of this and your other homework by yourself."
"No, it's fine. It's been a distraction. Even with the stress, it gives me something else to focus on."
The revelation had Leo thinking for a moment. How much he still didn't understand; it wasn't surprising your plunge into school was a coping tactic. But he didn't realize how badly you felt you needed it. He would never know what it was like still having to fight off the demons for so long. But he also saw how this pattern was going to run you into the ground before you could see it coming. "Do you realize you haven't taken a break since Halloween?"
"Exactly, I just took a break." You shrug.
"That was two weeks ago!"
You nod absently, unsure where this detour came from. Then your brain caught up and the time frame hit you. "Wait, seriously?"
"Yes!"
Your eyebrows scrunched together as you further calculated this news. "... Thanksgiving break is in two weeks?!"
"Yeah. I mean, Thanksgiving is, so..."
Crap. You had wanted to get everything done by break. The deadline was before Christmas break but like Leo was telling you now, you knew letting things drag on that long would kill whatever soul you had left.
Can I be done in two weeks? I really want to be done with this by the last few weeks of the semester. But I guess if I can get at least most of it done by break then I can– wait, no, because I was gonna use the weeks after Thanksgiving break to study for finals and make sure I actually learned enough not to flunk finals and tank my grades after all the work put into saving them. Plus I bet a least a few classes are gonna have tests or other projects before Thanksgiving gets here...
"Y/n..." The unease in Leo's tone was enough to pull you from your thoughts. He moved closer now, looking like what he would say next would somehow scare you off. "If this becomes more stressful I don't want you to have more attacks because you think you have to do it on your own."
. . .
Ah hell.
He's over here thinking of how to keep you from more anxiety attacks and you couldn't even toughen up enough to be more open with him.
"I– I don't." It was barely a whisper as your free hand picked at the side of your jeans. You knew you could lie much more convincingly than that, but right now you couldn't even look into such troubled eyes.
You weren't ready to do this so soon. You just can't do what Donnie suggested yet. Every instinct residing in your body was still hardwired against it.
Leo watched your internal struggle. The shame was written all over your face, and he felt like the grief was enough to destroy him over not being able to take it away or find out who put it there.
"I can feel something's off with you." His voice was so soft. So was his left palm ghosting across your cheek. He held your face in his hand, but didn't force you to look away from the ground. "I don't go against my gut. Especially when it comes to you... Whatever it is, you can tell me."
And what good would that do? It can't prevent any of the bad things from happening.
No. You weren't ready to let that heavy darkness out. You would take it to the grave before saying it out loud if you could. Your voice came out weak, much like your will. "Nothing. I just think it will be good for me, to try this on my own."
"Do you want to do it because you think it'll be good for you or because you feel like you don't have a choice?"
"Leo," damn it this wasn't fair. He didn't deserve this. "I need to do something on my own. So I can feel like a person again. Maybe it's stupid but I– I can't let you help me with this, too. Even if it takes some time... maybe it'll be easier living in my head when it's done."
Your gaze wouldn't stop moving, between the wall behind him, his eyes, his chest and just about anywhere else offering less discomfort. After so many seconds of not hearing him say anything, you looked up.
Leo looked you in the eyes as he nodded. He understood you wouldn't tell him, and he understood that what you said was probably still part of the truth. He watched your eyes drop to his hand when he rubbed his thumb along your skin, so you would know it was okay. "It's not stupid." His palm over your cheek shifted, creating a soft friction. "If it's what you choose to do, I get it either way." Once low enough, his forefinger hooked underneath your chin and nudged up. Your eyes finally held each other without breaking. "But I want you to know it's okay if you change your mind. If and whenever you're ready, I hope you'll come to me."
Seconds of smoldering intensity passed, and then he was laying his lips over yours in the gentlest manner possible. The contrasting tenderness actually surprised you. You couldn't fathom how he wasn't frustrated with you yet. All you felt was a disappointing confusion over it as he pulled away. He hugged you into his embrace, and desperately your arms lifted to hug him, too. "Thank you."
His words were so sweet, but all you could feel was growing guilt. He literally wanted you to tell him what you needed and some broken thing inside of you just couldn't do that. Asking him for more help made you feel like a horrible person, but denying Leo's help when he wants to give it makes you feel like crap, too.
I just love living in my head...
He held you for a while. You were both thankful for it, yet you had an indescribable urge to run away. You knew he knew you were dodging the truth. You both knew you managed to get out of it. And yet he still cradled you and made you feel a smidge better while you stared down at your coffee that was getting cold.
"Are you sure you'll be okay down here while we're out?"
You didn't know how long it had been during the embrace when he asked, but it felt like there would be a mutual imprint left on each other once you parted. He still had a mission to get to after all.
It took a moment to find your voice. "I'll be okay." He couldn't have expected any other answer. He still hoped it would remain true after trying to bring up whatever was so bad you couldn't say. You were the one to lift your head from his shoulder enough to see him again. "Don't get hurt, okay?"
Two mesmerizing eyes bored into yours, long enough to make your consciousness squirm. Eventually he smiled a little, and brushed his nose over yours. "I'll be home soon."
His perfect low cadence washed over you, adding to the clenching knots in your stomach either caused by the guilt, or the act of him nuzzling you. Your eyes met in a moment devoid of time.
She was right about one thing admittedly. Those concerned, considerate, beautiful, soft blue eyes deserved more honesty than this.
Your hands shot up and cupped both sides of his neck. The kiss wasn't as gentle as his, but he returned the sentiment nevertheless. His hands held you at the sides, just a bit higher than your waist now. Your nose rubbed his skin as you moved your lips across his. You only forced yourself to pull away moments later, once the message was pressed onto him.
I'm sorry.
Backing out of his hold, you headed for the doorway, staring down into the full mug back in your hands as you went.
Leo watched you leave, adoring the way you waited to sever your contact with him until the last possible second. You were having a harder time than you let on, that was the obvious fact. Until you were ready to talk about whatever you couldn't, he would just have to give you time... while simultaneously still working to get you more comfortable with opening up. He's gotten you to do it before, he was certain he could ease you into it now. Until then, he knew he had to keep working on staying on top of everything else for you. Which included making things safer topside.
He missed the fading warmth you created between his arms, but the time flashing on the stove told him the team should be ready by now, and he shifted focus to the task at hand before leaving the kitchen himself.