Luckily the walk back to the hotel was a short one. I was completely zoned out, I couldn't concentrate. The fight with Ali, still fresh in my mind. The hurt expression on her face broke my heart. I really screwed up big time.
After a silent 10 minutes I was back in my room with some of the girls. They were all trying to talk to me or trying to lighten up the mood. But nothing was working.
Maybe Jacob was right. Maybe they're better off without me. I mean come on, I just hurted the person that has always had my back. I never had to ask, she just was there. Always.
"I screwed up" I broke the silence.
"Queenie, you both had a bit to drink, you both were tired from an exhausting day. Things like this happen from time to time. I bet that when the morning comes all will be forgiven." Lindsay tries to soothe my conscience.
It's not working though. "I need some air." I stood up and walked out of my room. My friends looked at me with pity. They knew that there was nothing they could say to ease my mind.
This is the point where the dark side of my mind takes over. It's the moment where I become a prisoner of my own mind. I made my way to the roof and sat down near the edge, mesmerized by the city lights. It's peaceful here.
I wish I could have said the same thing about my mind. Negative thoughts taking over. The fight with Ali, all the things Jacob has ever done or said to me. I can't shut it off.
He always tells me that I'm not worth his time. That he is the only one who loves me. That the only thing I'm good at is bringing people down. Everyday I try so hard to fight those thoughts, to not give in to them. But what if he's right? What if I am a burden to the people around me? What if I'm getting too tired of fighting?
I was spiraling in my mind until suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder, scaring the shit out of me.
"Hey, chill. It's just me."
"Jeez, you scared the living crap out of me." I told her.
"Yeah, I noticed." She laughed. She took a step closer to me and took me in her arms. For a moment it was peaceful and quiet. Just like the others, the tall blonde midfielder knew that at this moment she couldn't push me. I had to be the first to start the conversation.
"I didn't know you were here in London." I told her almost in a whisper.
"Well, my sister and best friend had this friendly against England today and because that said best friend plays over there, I don't get to see her that much. Therefore I decided to hop on a plane and come to cheer them on. So you scoring that goal was all because of my cheering. You're welcome by the way." She grinned at me.
I just laughed at that comment. I'm really grateful that she's here. I don't get to see her all that much. I don't get to see most of my friends because I play over here in England and most of them are back in the States. I guess that's the hard part about playing here. Don't get me wrong I love playing at Arsenal but from time to time I miss my family and my American friends. Kristie being one of them.
"I really messed up today." I whispered on the verge of tears.
"Sam told me what happened. You made a mistake Ellie. It happens to the best of us. Don't beat yourself up for it. It's not worth it."
"You didn't see her face, Mewy. She looked so hurt and I did that. I caused that." I looked down at my hands. "I'm the reason she's upset."
"You know, I've known the both of you for quite some time now and I know that the bond the both of you have, is stronger than you think. I know you're scared that people will abandon you for no reason, but with us, with Ali, with me, you don't have to. Okay? I will never ever leave you. You're my best friend and I love you."
"I love you to."
"Now, here's what we're gonna do. You give her some space and go to sleep, like I don't know, NOW. Tomorrow morning you go and talk with Ali and we will figure out the rest together. Sounds good?"
And that was what it took to calm me down. That's what it took to at least slow it all down to a manageable peace. Kristie is one of the few that is able to do that. Maybe, just maybe, Jacob's wrong. As long as I have people in my life like Kristie and my national teammates, I'll be fine. I hope.
The next morning I was aimlessly walking around the hotel.
"Wow, don't you look cute? Did you get hit by a truck or something?"
I turned to the Squirrely defender and just showed her the finger.
"Okay… someone's in a bad mood." She chuckled.
"Kelley I swear I'm going to kick your ass if you don't shut up." I glared at her. Did I sleep like Kristie told me to? No, I did not. In my defense I tried so that counts right? Probably not. Kill me now.
"Relax Baby America, I come in peace and bearing gifts. I knew you were not going to sleep so I thought you could use this." Holding up a cup of steaming coffee.
"Ooh my god! I do, thanks." I tried to take the cup out of her hands but right before I could take it, she pulled away.
"And?" She shielded the coffee away from me.
"Uhm thanks... Kelley?" I looked at her confused.
"Try again."
"Thanks Squirrel?" I tried again.
"Nope"
"Worms?"
"Nope."
"Thanks Kell, you're amazing?"
"Getting closer, but still no."
"You're the best?"
"Andddd?" She smirked at me.
"Ooh my God Kelley, just tell me what you want to hear!" I groaned. I was so done with this and I just wanted my coffee.
"If I tell you, it won't mean anything." She pouted.
I sighed. "Thank you Kell, you're the best and I love you?"
"Now was that so hard?" She smirked. I scoffed.
She finally gave me my coffee and a kiss on my head. "How are you feeling? Are you okay?" She asked me worried. Here's the thing with Kelley and well Sonnet's the same. They're literal children and they will joke around with you but when you need them, they're always there for you. That's what I love about them.
"I'm f-"
"The truth please. Not your famous Meredith Grey line." She interrupted me while giving me a stern look. Why do they know me so well, Jeez. I hadn't even said anything.
"Okay, I'm not that fine. I didn't sleep well. I kept thinking about what I said to Ali. I shouldn't have said those things, I didn't mean any of it and now she must hate me. But everything will be fine. I will be fine." I rambled.
"I don't hate you."
I turned around and there stood the dark haired defender with a small smile on her face. "Not gonna lie, I was hurt, but I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I know you didn't mean what you said but you were right. I do treat you like a kid sometimes and that's not fair to you. It's just that you mean so much to me and you do feel like my daughter sometimes. I don't want anything to happen to you and when we couldn't find you yesterday, no scratch that, today" we all laughed. "I was worried but I shouldn't have reacted the way I did and therefore I'm sorry." She smiled at me.
I didn't say anything. Instead I just ran to her and jumped in her arms. "I'm so sorry." I sobbed out.
"I know." She tightened the hug. I buried my head in her shoulder.
"Aw, how cute. GROUP HUG!" Kelley yelled.
SMACK!
"AUWW!"
"That's what you get for ruining the moment" I heard Alex scold Kelley, making me laugh.
"Come on, let's get you some breakfast. You need to eat." Ali steered me towards the dining hall.
Once we arrived, I took my usual spot with the youngsters. The moment I sat down, Ali placed some food in front of me. I just looked at her.
"Don't even think about starting an argument. Eat. Now." She challenged me. Breakfast is not really my thing. I have nothing against it, it's just that if I can choose to sleep longer or train faster, either one's fine, then I'd choose that.
"Okay mom." I mumbled.
SMACK!
"Hey! What was that for?!" I started rubbing the place where she had hit my head just seconds ago.
"I'm not old enough to be your mother. I'm more like the very cool sister." She smiled proudly at me.
"More like the crazy drunk aunt." I mumbled making Lindsay and Sonnet snort.
Ali raised an eyebrow, challenging me to continue. I instantly threw my arms around her.
"Kidding, you are the cool big sister and I love you very dearly."
Out of nowhere, Kelley popped up.
"Ooh I love you too Queenie." She said joining our hug.
Both Ali and I looked at her confused. Lindsay captured the whole thing on her Instagram live making fans crack up by our interaction.