"Harper... your dads on the phone" my mama called from the kitchen. I flicked the TV off and walked slowly to the kitchen.
"I've told her Ben but she didn't want to and now it's too late, she can't fly she's too far gone. If that's the case you will have to come here wont you" I could hear half of the conversation and I knew he had wanted me home again, he called every week desperate for me to return home and return to church. Apparently they were happy for me to return, the family, church and dad, they could be there to support me and dad wanted me back where he could see me, but mama wasn't in Utah, Willa wasn't, the Oregon family wasn't and neither was Teddy, life for me wasn't there anymore. I did miss things about it, it had been my entire life. I enjoyed church for the most part and although I wasn't your typical member, I still felt like I missed it and belonged in some part to it.
I reach out my hand and mama is surprised, up until now I haven't spoken with him, but my rage has subsided and I'm calm. I'm nesting, and getting ready for my baby bird and I didn't have room for hate in my life or for anything that made me feel unsettled. I was ready to be at peace and to welcome Wren into the arms of a zen mama.
"You sure" she asks.
I nod and smile weakly "it's okay mama" I say and she kisses my head and leaves me to it.
"Dad" I answer quietly.
He takes a long breath "oh my baby I've missed your voice"
I can hear it in his, that he is sincere, and I feel terrible, that I've basically ghosted him. "I just want to say straight away that I'm mortified about how I acted when you told me about the baby. Things happen in life and it's not a reflection of your character Harper. I heard he wasn't a nice boy... and I'm sorry you had to deal with a person like that. Just to be clear I would have never made you marry him or anyone for that matter. I was just panicked and spiralling"
There's a moment I feel like his voice cracks, he is unusually emotional for my dad.
"Harper I hope you forgive me... and what I said about your Mama, that was horrible...Allie will be a wonderful grandmother. I'm so excited for this grand baby, our first, and your grandparents here are delighted to have another great grandchild too. Mom wants to come up and visit when baby is here so I will bring her with me if that's okay, to visit"
I feel a tear roll down my cheek and capture it in my hand wiping it away "of course dad.. I've missed you all" I confess "so much"
He tears up "Harper you have no idea. I feel like I lost my right arm... kid you are my world you know that right... your old dad needs you"
"I know" I whisper through tears, and I sit at the breakfast bar and run my hand over my bump.
"I'm coming up this week" he announces.
I am wide eyed "what" I ask excitedly "really"
I can hear the smile in his voice "really my baby. I want to help you set up her nursery if that is something you don't mind. I would love to be the one to build my granddaughters crib"
I cry again, easily done with the hormones "I would really really like that dad" I confess.
"I hear you have been a good friend to Ethan" he adds changing the subject.
I sit back a little, confused. "Ethan" I ask.
"Ethan, that good looking kid working with your mama" he says laughing.
The frown fixed upon my brow is deep "dad I know who he is, I work with him too, but how do you know him?"
"He's Joshua and Lillian's son" he informs me as if I should know that.
"Me and mamas friends from college" he adds.
"Josh and Lillian" I repeat realising who he means. "I don't think I met them more than a couple times" I say trying to remember them in better detail.
"No they moved from Utah to Jersey when Ethan was little... you went to kindergarten with him"
"Did I" I ask a little thrown. Why hadn't he mentioned any of this?!
"Ethan Bishop" I state trying to determine we were indeed talking about the same guy.
"Ethan Richards" he corrects.
"No it's Bishop" i state and he laughs "it's not I should know Harps"
"Hang on" i say and I place the phone down and walk at a fast pace to the family room "mama what is Ethan's last name" I ask
She looks up from her magazine "Richards"
I must look extremely confused because she puts the magazine down "what's wrong" she asks.
I open my mouth but nothing comes out as I try and digest the information. "Why does he go by Ethan Bishop" I ask.
She smiles "it's his name he goes by with his friends I think... a joke to do with church I believe, and being LDS... it started as a joke and kind of stuck, or that's what he told me anyway"
My lips turned up a little at that curiously "sounds like something he would do" and I think back to our first conversations, he did have a sense of humour. I just hadn't entertained Ethan lately and certainly not the last month when everyone who breathed sent me into a rage. I had a lot to learn about him, and I was kind of intrigued.
"Oop, dad" I say skidding off back to the kitchen where I left him.
"Sorry" I apologise picking the phone back up.
"That's okay I have you on loud speaker. I'm working. So I will see you Wednesday ?" He asks.
"Yes Wednesday. I can't wait. I finish work tomorrow for maternity leave so perfect timing"
"Great... I love you my darling daughter"
I feel such a weight fall from my shoulders "you too dad"
I place the phone back on it's cradle and return to the family room "mama I have so many questions" I say coming to her side and lowering myself oddly to the couch.
"Here"she says plumping some pillows behind me.
She wraps her arms around me and cuddles into my shoulder "ooh I love you my baby" she says squeezing me.
"mama" I ask.
She looks up to me with her icy blue eyes "yes my darling"
"Why didn't you say you knew Ethan from home" I ask.
She shrugs "I don't really know him that well from home. I knew him briefly when he was little. I took you over on a few play dates with him when you were both toddlers... I think he was with you in kindergarten and then they moved away. I didn't really keep in much contact with his parents, but dad did. Anyway last year they sent me a message saying he was in the local college and studying pharmaceuticals and could he possibly work with me as he studied"
"I just can't get my head around the fact he never mentioned any of this to me or said he was LDS"
Mama strokes my belly "she's awake" she observes smiling.
I place my hand over the movement and smile "Morning Wren" I announce.
"Ethan isn't active in church so he probably wouldn't mention it"
I look to her curiously "he's not" I ask.
She shakes her head "Probably why he doesn't mind the nickname... he doesn't care"
"Is he in tomorrow for my last day" I ask and she nods "good... I have so much to talk to him about"
I try and get up but fail and mama laughs and pushes me from underneath "almost almost ... there" she says heaving me up as we both try and hold back the laughter.
***
"Hi" Ethan calls like always as he arrives at work. This time I am actually looking forward to seeing him. I have one hundred questions about to burst from me as he rounds the store.
"Hi" I say a lot more chirpy than previously.
"Ooh are you finally back to normal" he asks with a grin "has the demon been exorcized?"
he asks with a glint in his eye.
"Back to hell yes" I confirm.
He takes his jacket off and drapes it over the counter before coming over, his eyes wondering over my belly "Hi Little dancer" he says bending down and acknowledging her "have you been good to your mama" he asks looking up to me with his bright blue eyes, some stubble now on his face where once he was clean shaved.
"Are you growing a beard" I ask reaching out and running my fingers over his chin.
He reaches up and holds my fingers there "do you like it" he asks.
I smile "it's a little more rugged... makes you look more mature" I say and he lets me go and I drop my hand back to my bump.
"Where is Allie" he asks.
I point out front "she's just on a call but will be in in a sec"
"Cool" he nods.
"Ethan can I ask you something?"
He nods and stands back up. "What is it"
"Why are you Ethan Bishop online?" I ask curiously.
He lets out a laugh "did you finally stalk me?" He asks and he holds his chest "I'm flattered" he adds.
"Don't be...it was Teddy"
His face falls "oh... well in that case I expect she was looking for ways to get rid of me" he says "that girl really dislikes me"
"I can't deny it ... she does but it's not because of you it's because of me, she's protective of me... and Wren" I say looking down to my belly.
He reaches out and squeezes my hand "she doesn't need to worry about me... I would never hurt you" he says genuinely and I look down to his hand on mine, and I feel that, his honesty and kindness pour out of him. He has perhaps the kindest eyes I've ever seen.
"I know" I reply and I meet his gaze before he lets my hand go.
"So...I'm Ethan Bishop online because it's been my handle on social media since middle school and I just kind of left it and it transferred over to the other platforms. It was a bit of a nickname at school because my family, like yours, were LDS and I got ribbed for it in New Jersey, our community isn't so big there."
"I saw your white folder with the name on when you handed me that homework and I've thought your name was Ethan Bishop ever since" I say unbelievably.
He laughs "so you've had it in for me I bet"
I try and hide the smile and he pokes me "omg you did" he says jovially.
"I am not active in church and your name was Ethan Bishop. I kind of took it as a bad sign... an omen if you will" I confess.
He runs his hand through his floppy hair and takes a breath "so now you know I'm not an omen will you give me a chance" he asks.
I frown "what do you mean" I ask.
He looks affectionately at me, drawing his bottom lip into his mouth nervously. "Would you let me court you" he asks.
My eyes widen a little and I stand up slowly "Ethan I don't know if you've noticed but I'm heavily pregnant and due really really soon... I'm not up for courting, and anyway, I'm pretty sure your family wouldn't approve of you dating a girl whose pregnant with someone else's baby"
He takes my hand from my side "Harper I don't follow the rules. I do want to return to the church at some point... it was a wonderful place to raise a family and I miss it, but I also wouldn't allow it to take over my own views or wants and I want you. You would not be judged by me or my family. My mom knows all about you" he confesses.
My heart races a little at all this information "really" I ask.
He smiles "I talk about you all the time... perhaps a little too much"
I find myself smile back, stupidly, it felt nice to be thought of, like that, not that I had been thinking that way of him, but I would admit I could imagine it, because he was sweet and kind and that was something I found attractive in a person. The thing was I wasn't looking for anyone, I had my girl in my belly and it's all I wanted right now.
"Whilst I love that you think so highly of me Ethan... I am not looking for love right now. I ... I have Wren coming so soon and I need to be there for her with everything I have. I don't have time or energy to divert away from her right now"
He looks at me, his eyes are warm and comforting, he smiles gently a reassuring curve of his lips and a squeeze of his hand. "And I think that is commendable and you are the most incredible mother to Wren before she even arrives, and it makes me like you so very much more to see you devote yourself to her. Harper I will wait... I will be here and I will wait if I have to and I'm happy to, because I really like you... and if you don't mind I would love to still see you and Wren, as someone you can depend on, a friend. I want to support you."
I stand there a little overwhelmed as mama walks in and she is mid sentence when she looks at us, stood together, looking at each other in silence. Ethan's words hanging in the air
"Everything okay" she asks.
I turn away and let Ethan's hand go "yes" I say and I turn back to his waiting eyes "I don't mind you hanging around" I finally return.
His face lights up "That makes me incredibly happy" he confesses.
It was a strange few days, my dad was on the way, we had finally reconnected, Ethan was not a Bishop, and he wanted to date, and I was finishing work to start maternity leave. Was this the upside down?...
Now all I needed, was to have the conversation with Teddy that was a little overdue and finally set our boundaries back up so that our friendship could return to normal. I knew a dinner like the last would not fly with anyone and I hated to feel like I was slightly out of control around her. I loved Teddy and I wanted it to be easy to be around her again, no teasing, well a little, it was a natural part of our dynamic, just not flirting.
I would see Teddy tomorrow, she had booked Lamaze classes and we were going in the afternoon. I hadn't seen her since the dinner, we had messaged back and forth, she had a busy week or so with work and didn't have the time to drive up so I was looking forward to seeing her, finally in the flesh.